Marriage Talk From Jump Street

[SvelteVelvet]

I just wanted to share my story. My DH and I dated for 10 months before we got engaged and were married at the 14 month mark. We both knew what it was, meaning this was it for us we had finally found our mate, after date number one! Now we work for the same company so on the surface folks were like "well they knew each other so it's not the same". That's soooo far from the truth, we didn't come in contact enough for me to know more then he was single and that was it. I didn't know anything else about him. We really we serious about not jumping into anything (using just feelings as an indicator) so after the first month of dates we started couples counseling because we were both like "are we crazy" lol! We feel hard and fast for each other and four years later we are doing the dern thing. Now has it been all roses, heck no but we promised each other that we would put in the work to make our marriage what it should be, lasting, loving, respectful and honored.

I said all that to say sometimes it is ok to go with your feelings BUT there is always prep work involved so if everyone in the situation is truly on the same page feelings wise then the prep part should flow with out any hesitation.

Just my .2 cents.

Thanks for sharing your experience. Lol @ the "are we crazy" part. He even said he let his guard down sooner than normal with me, I feel as though we are on the same page as far as our feelings and our thoughts regarding how soon it is.

I'd definately get some counseling if it does get on the 'fast track' and through experience I am aware of the things that are important to me and the questions I need to ask, the things I need to see before I make that step.

On another note, I've kinda always felt that the ones the just KNOW right away and just do it have a better chance than people who are still in the boyfriend/girlfriend stage 3 to 5 years, of course both CAN lead to marriage. But I've noticed alot of the ones that do, it didn't take long for them to know, it didn't take having children or going through hell and back. Sure positives can come from those situations too, make the bond stronger if those things don't break it. But it could also be exciting to always learn new things about your partner in a marriage (of course learning all of the important stuff before) but I think it keeps that fire going. And like you said, nothing is all roses, it doesn't matter how long you've known each other, ish can still creep in but I think being madly in love and animalistically attracted to each other is a really important part. Not the only, but hey, lack of it is the reason why so many stray, get tempted etc. And with communication, which I feel we do rather well and I expressed some of my feelings with him last night, something I wanted to let him know he needs to keep in mind concerning us and me as far as respect of my time and consideration if we're going to continue. He took it so well and was very understanding and we had a conversation about it and at the end we were on the same page and I felt alot better. After that conversation, I'm feeling even more that it's 'possible'.

 

[SvelteVelvet]

My dh talked about marriage after knowing him like a week...needless to say I thought he was a NUT

Then I sort of liked it b/c he said he just knew right away, so I believe you can just 'know'. We've been married 8 years

Congrats! And that's usually how it is too. One knows and the other is like "Whatever!" and then it just sorta happens. The first thing out of one of my girlfriends DH's mouth when they met was that 'he was going to marry her' And she like, 'yeah ok". They've been married 4 years.

 

[reallynow]

Thanks for sharing your experience. Lol @ the "are we crazy" part. He even said he let his guard down sooner than normal with me, I feel as though we are on the same page as far as our feelings and our thoughts regarding how soon it is.

I'd definately get some counseling if it does get on the 'fast track' and through experience I am aware of the things that are important to me and the questions I need to ask, the things I need to see before I make that step.

On another note, I've kinda always felt that the ones the just KNOW right away and just do it have a better chance than people who are still in the boyfriend/girlfriend stage 3 to 5 years, of course both CAN lead to marriage. But I've noticed alot of the ones that do, it didn't take long for them to know, it didn't take having children or going through hell and back. Sure positives can come from those situations too, make the bond stronger if those things don't break it. But it could also be exciting to always learn new things about your partner in a marriage (of course learning all of the important stuff before) but I think it keeps that fire going. And like you said, nothing is all roses, it doesn't matter how long you've known each other, ish can still creep in but I think being madly in love and animalistically attracted to each other is a really important part. Not the only, but hey, lack of it is the reason why so many stray, get tempted etc. And with communication, which I feel we do rather well and I expressed some of my feelings with him last night, something I wanted to let him know he needs to keep in mind concerning us and me as far as respect of my time and consideration if we're going to continue. He took it so well and was very understanding and we had a conversation about it and at the end we were on the same page and I felt alot better. After that conversation, I'm feeling even more that it's 'possible'.

Good for you!!

 

[SvelteVelvet]

Good for you!!

Thanks!!!!

 

[Studio_gal]

Honestly, I would not be able to trust a guy who wears he's feelings so easily on his sleeve. He is as likely to fall 'out' of love with you as quickly as he fall in.

I'm exactly the same and I've experienced this "fall in love quickly" - to total coldness. This is one of my red flags
All I can say is get to know him, find out about ex partners why weren't they suitable for him, why'd they split up etc...and check what he says there.
I do wish you good luck

 

[envybeauty]

OP: You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. The goal of all of this (dating or whatever) is not just to jump into marriage and I am sure you know that.

Even if you got married DAY ONE of meeting him, you would still have to deal with him for YEARS to come ANYWAY. With that in mind for EVERY woman, I say there should be NO RUSH to get married.

Rush to become exclusive and enjoy each other's company while forsaking all others, etc. but I see no rush to get married. If the both of you enjoy each other, like the family members, then great. Enjoy it. Time will tell.

Good luck!!

 

[SvelteVelvet]

I'm exactly the same and I've experienced this "fall in love quickly" - to total coldness. This is one of my red flags
All I can say is get to know him, find out about ex partners why weren't they suitable for him, why'd they split up etc...and check what he says there.
I do wish you good luck

I can't really describe it, but we're not 'in love' and we both know that. We know we're compatible friends through conversation, similar interests, same ideas of having fun, same types of values of living and goals, and we happen to be madly attracted to each other as well. I feel he's not so much feeding me bull, Talking prematurely without forethought of what he's saying to me yeah. I don't feel it's pre-meditated. He's very aggressive in his approach to everything, a speak his mind type of person. He's been very open and candid about his life and relationships as well. He's been single for 8 months just focusing on goals, then he met me. Myself I've been single for over a year, doing the same just focusing on me not looking for a man at all. So from that I learned he's just as selective as I am when it comes to dating and I like he's not so much of a rebound person. Inviting me into his inner circle of the closest people in his life also gave him more of a genuine character in my eyes.

But we're definately getting to know each other and I stressed that point in our last conversation that that's what we are doing and I took initiative to tell him something about me that's important like "I need to tell you how 'such and such' needs to be if we're going to continue to get to know each other". It's a major pet peeve that will make me stop talking to a man, but because I like him..ALOT instead of 'doing away with him' after 3 strikes I decided to lay it down for him. We came to that understanding and so how that goes from there, well I'll see. There's a few other things I need to straighten out with him in regards to me, how I feel about things, what I'm down for what I'm absolutely not down for.

Getting it all out and talking to you ladies and reading your opinions helped me step back and evaluate, and put me in the mind frame of the things I need to 1) get straightened out through conversation 2) see how he applies that information tangibly 3) Determine if I it's 'safe' to feel the way I'm feeling. And I'm doing it all before letting myself fall in love and I start getting my feelings confused with my thoughts.

You've all been very helpful even the conflicting views, It helped balance me out. I'm a true blue Libra that's for sure.

 

[SvelteVelvet]

OP: You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. The goal of all of this (dating or whatever) is not just to jump into marriage and I am sure you know that.

Even if you got married DAY ONE of meeting him, you would still have to deal with him for YEARS to come ANYWAY. With that in mind for EVERY woman, I say there should be NO RUSH to get married.

Rush to become exclusive and enjoy each other's company while forsaking all others, etc. but I see no rush to get married. If the both of you enjoy each other, like the family members, then great. Enjoy it. Time will tell.

Good luck!!

Thanks! This forum is awesome. It came right on time, I've spent more time in here since it was added than the Hair/OT/ET forums combined.

 

[envybeauty]

I can't really describe it, but we're not 'in love' and we both know that. We know we're compatible friends through conversation, similar interests, same ideas of having fun, same types of values of living and goals, and we happen to be madly attracted to each other as well. I feel he's not so much feeding me bull, Talking prematurely without forethought of what he's saying to me yeah. I don't feel it's pre-meditated. He's very aggressive in his approach to everything, a speak his mind type of person. He's been very open and candid about his life and relationships as well. He's been single for 8 months just focusing on goals, then he met me. Myself I've been single for over a year, doing the same just focusing on me not looking for a man at all. So from that I learned he's just as selective as I am when it comes to dating and I like he's not so much of a rebound person. Inviting me into his inner circle of the closest people in his life also gave him more of a genuine character in my eyes.

But we're definately getting to know each other and I stressed that point in our last conversation that that's what we are doing and I took initiative to tell him something about me that's important like "I need to tell you how 'such and such' needs to be if we're going to continue to get to know each other". It's a major pet peeve that will make me stop talking to a man, but because I like him..ALOT instead of 'doing away with him' after 3 strikes I decided to lay it down for him. We came to that understanding and so how that goes from there, well I'll see. There's a few other things I need to straighten out with him in regards to me, how I feel about things, what I'm down for what I'm absolutely not down for.

Getting it all out and talking to you ladies and reading your opinions helped me step back and evaluate, and put me in the mind frame of the things I need to 1) get straightened out through conversation 2) see how he applies that information tangibly 3) Determine if I it's 'safe' to feel the way I'm feeling. And I'm doing it all before letting myself fall in love and I start getting my feelings confused with my thoughts.

You've all been very helpful even the conflicting views, It helped balance me out. I'm a true blue Libra that's for sure.

Be careful with that. Telling a man what you want in/from a man.

I know a couple where the girl told the guy all what she wanted in a guy. Well, the guy listened and conformed to what she wanted. They married and got divorced. Well, after the split, he revealed that he became what she wanted, or at least he did to get her. His TRUE self came out during the marriage and it couldn't work out.

Some will do that: become what you want just to latch you. It is better to ask who he is than to say what you want.

 

[SvelteVelvet]

Be careful with that. Telling a man what you want in/from a man.

I know a couple where the girl told the guy all what she wanted in a guy. Well, the guy listened and conformed to what she wanted. They married and got divorced. Well, after the split, he revealed that he became what she wanted, or at least he did to get her. His TRUE self came out during the marriage and it couldn't work out.

Some will do that: become what you want just to latch you. It is better to ask who he is than to say what you want.

I feel what you're saying. I'm not going reading him a 'wish list' though, I never do that with any man, that stuff comes naturally. What I had to talk to him about was something that needed to change between us as far as his the lack of respect he'd seem to have for my time I needed to let him know that it was valuable. It was alot more intricate but definately something we needed to lay down because of our different schedules.

The other thing I need to talk to him about is also specific to do with us, not what I look for in a man. And it's not so much something I need him to do or change, quite the contrary. I can't explain how I'll say it or what it is, but I know how to let a man know something about me without outright saying "Look nicca, if this happens, this is gonna happen, and if you don't do this..." No, this issue is a little more complicated, something I'm going to have to show through action, reaction, or inaction, THEN attach an explanation to it when and if it becomes an issue.

 

[envybeauty]

^^^ok. As long as you haev your head on straight! You'll be fine!

 

[Blackoutzangel05]

I totally agree with all of that. I've been there before too, as a matter of fact, all of my boyfriends have talked marriage quickly, but this one takes the cake on the first and second date. This is my hesitation despite my 'feelings'. I know that I feel something with him I've never felt before but I'm definately taking a wait & see approach because like I said I haven't entertained any of that talk. He hasn't told me he loved me. He's said "I don't know about you, but I'm very into you, everything about you, looks, personality.." he asked me how I felt about him or something along those lines and I told him that I like him alot and he said "And that's good enough". So it's like he's conscious that yeah we JUST met but he'll throw something in there sometimes that just takes me a back like the 'would you marry me?' and 'I want a boy and a girl, you think you could give me a boy and a girl?' and I'm just like erplexed. And again, I've heard the 'I want a son' talk real early before too. I just respond, "I've come this far without being a baby momma and I'm not going to turn in one now or ever. Yeah I want kids but a husband is going to come before that." So, I'm just remaining open to possibilities, seeing him and talking so far so good but you're so right about all of that. It's like with men, they will throw you as far as you let them throw you. Regardless, I'm trying my best to remain in control. You ladies are helping alot.

You have a great head on your shoulders....just give it time and see where it goes but don't limit yourself..there are numerous possibilities!

 

[Blackoutzangel05]

I feel what you're saying. I'm not going reading him a 'wish list' though, I never do that with any man, that stuff comes naturally. What I had to talk to him about was something that needed to change between us as far as his the lack of respect he'd seem to have for my time I needed to let him know that it was valuable. It was alot more intricate but definately something we needed to lay down because of our different schedules.

The other thing I need to talk to him about is also specific to do with us, not what I look for in a man. And it's not so much something I need him to do or change, quite the contrary. I can't explain how I'll say it or what it is, but I know how to let a man know something about me without outright saying "Look nicca, if this happens, this is gonna happen, and if you don't do this..." No, this issue is a little more complicated, something I'm going to have to show through action, reaction, or inaction, THEN attach an explanation to it when and if it becomes an issue.

I personally agree with what you did. I believe that some things, not a wish list, need to be stated. Your expectations sot hat they are laid out and there is no guessing. I did it and it worked out well for me. He told me what he wanted from a woman giving me the opportunity to see if I fit that bill and if not, we would have moved on.

 

[SvelteVelvet]

I personally agree with what you did. I believe that some things, not a wish list, need to be stated. Your expectations sot hat they are laid out and there is no guessing. I did it and it worked out well for me. He told me what he wanted from a woman giving me the opportunity to see if I fit that bill and if not, we would have moved on.

Exactly. I've learned alot from my past relationships and having the long interval between and being able to reflect, I know it's a mistake to not verbally communicate or worse play a psychological game of where I'm not being honest about my feelings or make a decision concerning him based on actions/turn-offs, things that will become limitations, or ended, without telling him first IF I'm really feeling that person. This is how I know I've matured and it's also an indicator that this guy is if anything, something special. I used to be good for thinking to myself "Well if that's how it is, then shoot, I'm gonna do this" and it ends up changing me instantly, and they'd have no clue why and I'd seriously expect them to 'know' or figure. You have to be direct with men, they aren't mind readers and if things aren't stated they may continue on thinking it's ok, you may develop an unhealthy attitude towards him and he'll start to feel it and it just becomes a little monster that grows and you forgot how it even got there..I just feel I want to give this one the best shot possible to reach what is right now alot of potential.

 

[brownsugarflyygirl]

bumping...reading through old threads and curious as to how this situation turned out

 

[Duchesse]

This is an interesting thread.

I was actually thinking of posting about a very similar situation, but didn't want all my business on the streets lol. I wonder how their relationship panned out.

The fourth day after I met the guy I'm currently dating, he said on the phone "you just need to move out here (he lives in another state), go to school,so we can get married and have some kids"...to which I kindly responded in a laugh. "Fool.you crazy!".

Now that he's here again, every time I see him, at least once this comes up..that we need to "breed', get married, have some kids and send them to the NBA. He has a dry sense of humor, so I don't take it that seriously, but is it strange for a guy to talk like that after only knowing someone for a few months? When I told my friend about this, she was like 'this guy sounds a lil' off".

 

[Theo]

This is an interesting thread.

I was actually thinking of posting about a very similar situation, but didn't want all my business on the streets lol. I wonder how their relationship panned out.

The fourth day after I met the guy I'm currently dating, he said on the phone "you just need to move out here (he lives in another state), go to school,so we can get married and have some kids"...to which I kindly responded in a laugh. "Fool.you crazy!".

Now that he's here again, every time I see him, at least once this comes up..that we need to "breed', get married, have some kids and send them to the NBA. He has a dry sense of humor, so I don't take it that seriously, but is it strange for a guy to talk like that after only knowing someone for a few months? When I told my friend about this, she was like 'this guy sounds a lil' off".

 

[Bublin]

I've not read all the posts but to the OP, just enjoy and go with the flow. Forget about what society dictates and if you want to run away and get married to this guy then do it...as long as you never have any doubt about him. If you have even the slightest doubts then stay as you are and enjoy the attention he is giving you.

I have only known my SO for just over 3 months. For the past 2 months we have both talked about marriage and having another child between us. At first we were both thinking 'no way, this is too soon' but we have decided to embrace our feelings and to heck with what anyone else thinks.

He has even booked a £850 flight to Jamaica in August for just 1 week to meet my parents - he says he has to meet my immediate family sooner rather than later. This is a big commitment on his behalf and i have nuff respect for him.

 

[Everything Zen]

I'm telling you- Dude busted out marriage and "once we have our second child" on the first date!!!! Do you know I lost my appetite and couldn't even finish my freakin' meal!!!!! erplexed

I love that man to death and we are still together a year later I can't wait to marry this guy!

 

[Ms.Nigeria]

Seems like a scam. Give it time you'll figure it out

 

[ladylibra]

sorry, but IME every guy i've ever known who's ever put the marriage card on the table that early has been psycho. i don't deal with men like that anymore...

 

[drasgrl]

My bf talked about marriage after about two months. I thought he was crazy. We've been together four years but not married because it's not what I want. He said he didn't care that we could get married when we're 70, we'll see.

 

[Kiadodie]

I agree with this. Actions speak louder than words. Especially with men. i have been there. One brotha was blowing up my phone with the I love you, I think youare the one. We are meant to be yada, yada. Fast forward a month. Barely an email out of him. Time will tell to show his "true" feelings as evidenced by his actions (or lack thereof).

Also, it takes more than feelings to make a marriage work. Marriage is often tested by ooooooooo so many things: finances, sickness, in-laws, temptations, children, etc. It takes unity and standing in accordance with one another on a VARIETY of issues to make a marriage work. Feeling is one thing. Determination and preparation are another.

Yup, it sure does (bolded). My cousin had a guy that was talking marriage etc etc. once my cousin fell into it and wanted it, he was no where to be found. I'm not saying that may happen to you but pay attention to his actions, NOT his words and you'll avoid a lot of heartache. Good luck!

 

[LivingDoll]

I just recently had a guy talk about marriage within the first conversation. That turned me OFF. Whenever a guy talks about marriage too soon I run the other way...he's either (a) telling me what he thinks I wanna hear or (b) looking for someone, anyone to be with him (it ain't about me at all).

 

[Kiadodie]

I just recently had a guy talk about marriage within the first conversation. That turned me OFF. Whenever a guy talks about marriage too soon I run the other way...he's either (a) telling me what he thinks I wanna hear or (b) looking for someone, anyone to be with him (it ain't about me at all).

Yup, I went on a date w/ this guy and he already started talking about marriage and on the 2nd date he told me he wanted to marry me.

This spelled DESPERATE to me and I ran. erplexed I feel like he'd take anyone. The thing is, he's a decent catch, I'm not sure why he's so darn desperate.
I want a guy that gets to know me well first. I mean really..how do you know if you want to marry someone on the 1st date.

 

[LivingDoll]

Yup, I went on a date w/ this guy and he already started talking about marriage and on the 2nd date he told me he wanted to marry me.

This spelled DESPERATE to me and I ran. erplexed I feel like he'd take anyone. The thing is, he's a decent catch, I'm not sure why he's so darn desperate.
I want a guy that gets to know me well first. I mean really..how do you know if you want to marry someone on the 1st date.

Insecurity. They usually want to be wanted.

 

[kblc06]

How do you respond? Do you respond? Do you take him seriously? Do you brush it off?

I run

 

[Guapa1]

LOL, would love to hear from the OP what happened. I'm in a situation very similar at the moment.