Setting high standards within a marriage...
- Thread starter hopeful
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hopeful
Well-Known Member
Hi ladies,
Just a quick update. Had a professional organizer at the house. She asked dh to put together a shoe rack. He said okay but I could tell he was like "da hell we paying you for?"
I walk by him struggling, seeming a little frustrated. I almost stopped to help him or get involved in some way, but I literally forced myself to walk away. Ten minutes later he was done. He said it wasn't hard to put together at all 
. So I am continuing to be feminine. I recently had a slip up where I was being too nice, focused too much on pleasing him (for like just a few days) and it bit me in the butt. I regrouped and am back to being more self-centered and focused on me. I swear I must have been born nice. I have to remind myself that being nice is something I seldom have to work on. It's the being more self-centered and focusing on me that is my challenge. Everything runs so much more smoothly when I stay in my feminine lane
.
Just a quick update. Had a professional organizer at the house. She asked dh to put together a shoe rack. He said okay but I could tell he was like "da hell we paying you for?"
I walk by him struggling, seeming a little frustrated. I almost stopped to help him or get involved in some way, but I literally forced myself to walk away. Ten minutes later he was done. He said it wasn't hard to put together at all . So I am continuing to be feminine. I recently had a slip up where I was being too nice, focused too much on pleasing him (for like just a few days) and it bit me in the butt. I regrouped and am back to being more self-centered and focused on me. I swear I must have been born nice. I have to remind myself that being nice is something I seldom have to work on. It's the being more self-centered and focusing on me that is my challenge. Everything runs so much more smoothly when I stay in my feminine lane.
hopeful
Well-Known Member
Hi again ladies 
,
I still slip up sometimes but I quickly get back in my lane. This has been one of the most positive things I have done for myself and my marriage. It's funny and wonderful how independent, strong, and smart most of us are. There is nothing wrong with being a good problem-solver. It's a gift and a blessing. But being helped, attended to, adored, pampered, assisted with the many problems in life is also a blessing and a gift. I got an email regarding our pool needing a new pump. It would be easy to handle it myself, set up the appointment, etc. but it's not the best thing to do for me or dh. I forwarded the email to dh and kept it moving. I never realized how much I take over
and handle things. I will be glad when it becomes natural for me to fall back and stay in my lane. One thing for sure is that I'm not giving up on myself. I deserve the life I'm pursuing.
,I still slip up sometimes but I quickly get back in my lane. This has been one of the most positive things I have done for myself and my marriage. It's funny and wonderful how independent, strong, and smart most of us are. There is nothing wrong with being a good problem-solver. It's a gift and a blessing. But being helped, attended to, adored, pampered, assisted with the many problems in life is also a blessing and a gift. I got an email regarding our pool needing a new pump. It would be easy to handle it myself, set up the appointment, etc. but it's not the best thing to do for me or dh. I forwarded the email to dh and kept it moving. I never realized how much I take over
and handle things. I will be glad when it becomes natural for me to fall back and stay in my lane. One thing for sure is that I'm not giving up on myself. I deserve the life I'm pursuing.
angelhairtype4
Well-Known Member
Such a great thread.
Sailor Saturn the lost scout
Sailor Saturn the lost scout
destinyseeker
Well-Known Member
This is one of the most insightful threads I've seen in a while. Thank you ladies! I married young the first time and did all the wrong things... Being too nice, allowing myself to be controlled (thinking I was keeping down friction), letting all the housework and child-rearing be "dumped" on me while being a full-time student and working a full-time job! After my divorce I was challenged with having too much masculine energy and "staying in my lane" because I became accustomed to relying on myself for everything. I do things very differently now! I have high standards and knowing your own worth helps.. A LOT.. Also, I learned that a real man wants to be "the man" so I had to curtail my Olivia Pope "fixer" attitude and this has helped immensely. Being overly self-sufficient leaves no space for him to feel needed and that means everything to a real man. It's truly been a learning process and I have quickly moved on from any relationships that did not serve me well until I have found one that does. My SO of 3 years is a true partner in every sense of the word as I will accept nothing less ( this time around). I overhear him often telling his friends and family that he is the lucky one in our relationship and he puts me first (and I let him) which was hard for me at first. My mom gave me some advice that I ignored in my youth but I embrace as I've matured... "Don't start anything (with a man) you don't plan on continuing" in other words, once you've taught someone how to treat you, they may not be open to going back and renegotiating...
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hopeful
Well-Known Member
Thank you angelhairtype4 and destinyseeker.
Love your story destinyseeker. I am happy for you and it's lovely to see how you evolved.
Love your story destinyseeker. I am happy for you and it's lovely to see how you evolved.
destinyseeker
Well-Known Member
DH has really been doing a great job of being more emotionally available and we're in a very good place
So happy to hear that
Glib Gurl
Well-Known Member
Me too - I really enjoyed reading all of this
FoxxyLocs hopeful southernbella This may be a silly question but what are some examples of how you can teach your mate how to treat you? (Some of the ways that I might "teach" my co-workers and associates...well, I don't see those applying quite as well in an intimate relationship.) Unfortunately, the role model I saw in my parents was the "maid with a ring" that someone referenced earlier...definitely not trying to replicate that....I like hope hopeful talked about just letting her husband take care of things...I'm such a control freak, I know that that would definitely be a tough thing for me to do....plus, in my own household growing up, that model just meant that things never got done
But that's because my mom wasn't a good teacher....Trying to learn from you ladies while I still can!
hopeful
Well-Known Member
...
This may be a silly question but what are some examples of how you can teach your mate how to treat you? (Some of the ways that I might "teach" my co-workers and associates...well, I don't see those applying quite as well in an intimate relationship.) Unfortunately, the role model I saw in my parents was the "maid with a ring" that someone referenced earlier...definitely not trying to replicate that....I like hope hopeful talked about just letting her husband take care of things...I'm such a control freak, I know that that would definitely be a tough thing for me to do....plus, in my own household growing up, that model just meant that things never got done
Glib Gurl
The thing is this, if I were young and not married yet, my priority would be to marry well in the first place, find someone who truly meets my needs most of the time and in most ways. Once you are married then you are put in the position to try to fix things, but if you are proactive from the jump you will save yourself a lot of heartache and frustration.
All that said, what I am learning is that it all starts with you. You have to figure out what you want and make the decision to not settle. That decision may mean being alone until you meet the right guy. That decision means you will not attract some guys, that guy who wants a maid is not worth your time.
You say your mom didn't teach well. I say perhaps she didn't choose well, didn't really know what she wanted or deserved. I would say your father may be or may have been selfish and didn't treat your mom the way he should have. It was not your mom's job to teach him anything. You see, that makes her his mom or him her pupil.
I am learning that we teach ourselves. We heal ourselves. Then we attract better people and have the courage to turn away from those who don't care for us how we want and crave. So I guess you teach men (if that is how you want to look at it) by really knowing yourself and loving yourself. Take really good care of yourself inside and out. Listen to yourself, be compassionate toward yourself. Be sweet and tender toward yourself. Once you know what that really feels like, it will be easier to weed out boys.
If I were dating I would do two things: treat myself very well, tenderly, sweetly, compassionately, and observe how the guy or guys I'm dating treat me. If he ignored me, didn't pay attention to my needs, didn't take charge in a loving, respectful manner, I would pull away from him. If he depended on me to make plans, to fix things, to stay in touch, then I wouldn't want him. You can fuss I guess and attempt to teach him with long speeches but I would just pull away and trust that he would catch on or that there was a guy out there who knew how to open doors, bring flowers, fix things, have intelligent conversations. If a guy wants you badly enough I believe he will teach himself. If he doesn't, he will find someone who is easier to please and who is fine with being masculine or fine with nagging and fussing.
It begins with you. The more healed you are from growing up seeing the dynamic you saw, the more likely you will attract what you seek. At least that is what I think.
Also, as far as examples. Say you love going to the movies. If he doesn't offer to take you, take yourself and enjoy the pleasure of your own company and really enjoy the movie too. So he calls and says I thought I'd stop by to hang out. You say I won't be home because I'm taking myself to the movies or simply I'm going to the movies. If you are really tired when he calls don't push yourself to be perky and on his schedule tell him that you are exhausted and need to go to sleep. Tell him to call you later after you are rested. You are showing him that your needs, your time, you, matter to you. You in turn are showing yourself that you matter.
Southernbella.
Well-Known Member
Me too - I really enjoyed reading all of this
FoxxyLocs hopeful southernbella This may be a silly question but what are some examples of how you can teach your mate how to treat you? (Some of the ways that I might "teach" my co-workers and associates...well, I don't see those applying quite as well in an intimate relationship.) Unfortunately, the role model I saw in my parents was the "maid with a ring" that someone referenced earlier...definitely not trying to replicate that....I like hope hopeful talked about just letting her husband take care of things...I'm such a control freak, I know that that would definitely be a tough thing for me to do....plus, in my own household growing up, that model just meant that things never got done
Trying to learn from you ladies while I still can!
I think Hopeful really nailed it. I guess I would just very strongly agree with the idea that it starts with you.
You have to really believe you deserve certain things. It's one thing to think logically that men should do x, y, and z for a woman but so many of us are carrying around baggage that makes it hard for us to truly expect to be treated well. It really does take healing and introspection to not just know but internalize these things and act accordingly.
I also agree that you have to treat yourself well. People, not just men, respond to a person with high self esteem and self worth. It's just something they sense. Take care of you and it will follow with the men you attract. That's not to say you will never attract men who don't know what to do. The difference is that they will either shape up to be worthy of you or they will leave. Either way, you win.
Within relationships, you have to be willing to be the "bad guy". Compromise is great in general but some things should be non-negotiable (you decide what those are for you) and you can't be afraid to stick to your standards even if your partner resists. If he loves you he will give you what you need because he wants to make you happy (and in marriage that goes both ways). Also, sometimes you will need to teach. As an adult, you have to be able to say "I need x, y, z from you." I think this applies more to marriage than dating though.
The control freak thing...I have to fight that occasionally so I get it. But it feels good to relinquish control. Sometimes things won't get done but that's always a learning opportunity. Unless it's an absolutely dire situation or something you want to do, just let him do it.
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sweetvi
Well-Known Member
I always loved your responses
. This needs to be bumped again...lolhopeful. I believe that is where many women fail. We are taught to be a ride or die and to stick by our men. That is all fine but the men are we choose are usually not deserving of that.
I had issues with compromise. I would be the one that is always available and free and would rearrange my schedule for the guy. Good reminder...
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Daughter
UK Blak
So... I've made so many mistakes and like someone else said upthread, I wish I'd really explored the relationships forum before I got married.
hopeful I've not set a good precedent, as I posted, I have been way too giving and accommodating - so do you recommend I just jump right in and begin to look after me? Physically and whatnot? Or can I not teach an old dog new tricks?
hopeful I've not set a good precedent, as I posted, I have been way too giving and accommodating - so do you recommend I just jump right in and begin to look after me? Physically and whatnot? Or can I not teach an old dog new tricks?
hopeful
Well-Known Member
Daughter
Are you referring to yourself when you say teach an "old dog" new tricks? I assume that is what you mean. It is never to late to take better care of yourself and behave more femininely. Never too late to raise your standards. It may not be easy to change but it is possible. Take baby steps, read books, and seek therapy if there is a serious underlying reason for how you treat yourself and allow others to treat you. I imagine some husbands will be resistant. Take baby steps and get support if you need it. Good luck.
Are you referring to yourself when you say teach an "old dog" new tricks? I assume that is what you mean. It is never to late to take better care of yourself and behave more femininely. Never too late to raise your standards. It may not be easy to change but it is possible. Take baby steps, read books, and seek therapy if there is a serious underlying reason for how you treat yourself and allow others to treat you. I imagine some husbands will be resistant. Take baby steps and get support if you need it. Good luck.
Britt
Well-Known Member
Glib Gurl
Well-Known Member
Okay, still reading the book, still pondering some things. Another important element to the book is self-love. Remembering always to love yourself more within the relationship. Focusing on being beautiful, smelling good, soft skin, feeling sexy, etc., but not on giving. Last night our cable went out. My first instinct is to make the call and take care of it. After all I had spent the day shopping while dh had been working all day. I instead pulled out the number for him. He looked...perplexed. Then he looks at our 20 year-old daughter who is home from college (and who had also been shopping all day, with me) and says do you think you can make the call? I give him a look and he takes the phone and makes the call. I go upstairs to freshen up and get pretty
I also had an issue earlier in the day that I needed him to help me resolve. He initially said he could not help because he was too busy at work. I said, oh okay, I guess I'll have to figure it out. But I didn't sound happy about it, because I wasn't. I would normally try to make him feel better for not being able to help me. Like say something like no it's okay, I didn't give you much notice. But I didn't feel like being nice. I hang up, 5-4-3-2-1, he calls back and has solved the problem. The author says that men love solving problems and that little boys want mommy to help them, men enjoy the challenge and satisfaction of solving problems on their own.
Okay, just kind of experimenting and thinking out loud. There is so much power in simply being a woman. And sometimes giving too much can actually diminish your femininity vs. enhance it.
Okay so I'm currently reading What Would Judy Do? A Grown Up Guide to Living Together (just because I'm curious about "real-life" issues of living with a partner) and she shared something that instantly made me think of hopeful and her story above....
Judge Judy was recounting a time when she was out taking her baby for a walk in the stroller with a neighbor who was doing the same. Her neighbor wanted to cut the walk short because she had to rush home to clean the bathroom before her husband got home. Judge Judy's response?
"'Elaine, no man ever rushed home to clean a toilet.' The words were true then--and now. Angela was working overtime, but her mate still withdrew his affection. If she had pampered herself and spent time getting a bikini wax and a great pedicure, getting a facial once a week, having her hair blown out, maybe he would have noticed. Instead she chose to becom ea martyr. She really thorugh if he saw how hard she was working, how neat she kept his closet, how beautifully she served his main course, how brilliantly the toilets sparkled, he'd be turned on. Men don't care about that stuff. They want something that smells good--and I'm not talking about meatloaf."
Saludable84
Better Late Than Ugly
And @glib girl, I definitely agree. I also feel like when you do to much, or rather take on too much, it's a recipe for disaster.
I'm preggo now, so I often wonder if even with my protruding middle, if I still look okay. I still believe that even when you have a man, they will always be superficial first, then that while get to know later.
I'm also a believer in the fact that men will only live the way a women lets them. I feel when it comes to standards, they don't have to be high, but they have to be consistent.
carcajada
Well-Known Member
Okay so I'm currently reading What Would Judy Do? A Grown Up Guide to Living Together (just because I'm curious about "real-life" issues of living with a partner) and she shared something that instantly made me think of hopeful and her story above....
Judge Judy was recounting a time when she was out taking her baby for a walk in the stroller with a neighbor who was doing the same. Her neighbor wanted to cut the walk short because she had to rush home to clean the bathroom before her husband got home. Judge Judy's response?
"'Elaine, no man ever rushed home to clean a toilet.' The words were true then--and now. Angela was working overtime, but her mate still withdrew his affection. If she had pampered herself and spent time getting a bikini wax and a great pedicure, getting a facial once a week, having her hair blown out, maybe he would have noticed. Instead she chose to becom ea martyr. She really thorugh if he saw how hard she was working, how neat she kept his closet, how beautifully she served his main course, how brilliantly the toilets sparkled, he'd be turned on. Men don't care about that stuff. They want something that smells good--and I'm not talking about meatloaf."
One of the reasons I am first/the priority in any relationship. And the bold is flawed thinking. If he's a man doesn't appreciate the little things, chances are he isn't going to appreciate anything else either.
hopeful
Well-Known Member
Glib Gurl
The whole point of this is for us to be happy and for us to attract and maintain happy romantic relationships. If the man is not masculine or does not love you, none of this will matter to him and that's okay because it matters to us and will matter to the right guy. Changing is risky. Because there is always the chance that the guy will be like bump this, I want to be catered too and I don't love you that much. So that's painful. But so is being a feminine woman acting like a man, feeling exhausted and used and unappreciated. If it's on your heart to be more feminine, go for it, but there are no guarantees that the guy you are with will respond accordingly. For me it's been worth the risk. And ultimately that is what self-love is, doing what is best for you, first and foremost.
The whole point of this is for us to be happy and for us to attract and maintain happy romantic relationships. If the man is not masculine or does not love you, none of this will matter to him and that's okay because it matters to us and will matter to the right guy. Changing is risky. Because there is always the chance that the guy will be like bump this, I want to be catered too and I don't love you that much. So that's painful. But so is being a feminine woman acting like a man, feeling exhausted and used and unappreciated. If it's on your heart to be more feminine, go for it, but there are no guarantees that the guy you are with will respond accordingly. For me it's been worth the risk. And ultimately that is what self-love is, doing what is best for you, first and foremost.
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