Setting high standards within a marriage...

hopeful said:
@Glib Gurl

The whole point of this is for us to be happy and for us to attract and maintain happy romantic relationships. If the man is not masculine or does not love you, none of this will matter to him and that's okay because it matters to us and will matter to the right guy. Changing is risky. Because there is always the chance that the guy will be like bump this, I want to be catered too and I don't love you that much. So that's painful. But so is being a feminine woman acting like a man, feeling exhausted and used and unappreciated. If it's on your heart to be more feminine, go for it, but there are no guarantees that the guy you are with will respond accordingly. For me it's been worth the risk. And ultimately that is what self-love is, doing what is best for you, first and foremost.
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See that's the thing...I am the ultimate girly-girl. I revel in being a woman and pampering myself. That's not to say that I won't try to take care of a partner, but no more so than I'd want him to take care of me. (Especially in this day and age when people are living single for longer stretches of time and both partners work outside the home, it doesn't make sense for one person to take on all of the household responsibilities.)
 
Glib Gurl said:
See that's the thing...I am the ultimate girly-girl. I revel in being a woman and pampering myself. That's not to say that I won't try to take care of a partner, but no more so than I'd want him to take care of me. (Especially in this day and age when people are living single for longer stretches of time and both partners work outside the home, it doesn't make sense for one person to take on all of the household responsibilities.)
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Right. Doesn't make any sense at all. And yet many women work 40+ hours and take care of almost all of the household chores and childcare responsibilities. I have met countless working mothers who ask me about what I do as an sahm and after I share they often proudly say oh I do all of that too. And I'm always just like :look: good for you.
 
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hopeful said:
Right. Doesn't make any sense at all. And yet many women work 40+ hours and take care of almost all of the household chores and childcare responsibilities. I have met countless working mothers who ask me about what I do as an sahm and after I share they often proudly say oh I do all of that too. And I'm always just like :look: good for you.
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I will say that's why I love some of the books and thoughts we've discussed on here. I know I'm naturally kinda selfish, but society will make you get over that, if you're a girl that is. But yeah, I'm not interested in playing the martyr. So my husband can enjoy a carefree life while I, what, watch from the kitchen? No thanks.
 
I've admittedly been avoiding this thread for the longest, fearing it was the typical restrictive, reductive, aesthetic-centered male appeasement rhetoric that often surrounds these "ideal femininity" discussions. I'm so glad I finally decided to :peek: in here. :up:

It's nice not to be persecuted for wanting more from my relationships with men--romantic, familial, or otherwise--than I was taught. I'm not married, but so much of this describes my daddy (not to mention brother) issues to a T--issues other women have dismissed and invalidated because, from their limited perspectives, he's "good" (read: moneyed and physically present) and thus above reproach. We really do tend to protect and defend men's misgivings to our own detriment.

Thanks to the wives who went beyond placing the burden on women to collectively will men to realize their masculinity (interesting how this message is rarely, if ever, reversed :scratchch) and reassured us singles that there are men who will respond favorably to us simply being our best selves. This dating game can seem bleak, and I was beginning to wonder whether even expecting to be called and courted is too much to ask of the modern man. You ladies' stories have renewed my hope and conviction in my standards. :)
 
nubiennze

I'm so happy you've enjoyed this thread. Thank you for your kind words. And I love your writing style :yep:, just lovely, kind of poetic and very intellectual.
 
The man being the giver and the woman the receiver is so true. I never realized it until I thought about my SO. Things just seem to flow really well, and we're almost 6 years in. He gives freely (not just monetarily, but time, attention, affection, support) and it makes me then give him everything in return. In the beginning I didn't give much but he gave a lot and over time that has helped me to open up.
 
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Hey ladies,

I'm bumping this thread in hopes of reviving it once again. I think it is the best thread I ever started:yep:. Please share your experiences ladies. Buy the book, Getting to "I Do" by Dr. Patricia Allen, and read it. I promise you won't regret it.

I had already been off track for a while, then my mom died and I was consumed with grief, just surviving. But now I'm ready to get back to the principles of this book.

Today I told dh I wanted to go to the movies tonight. He was like ok, then asked if I knew the times. I was like no, I just know I want to go to the movies :look:. Then I'm just like let me know what you come up with. I ain't going on fandango, looking for nothing, or buying no tickets :nono:. I will keep you guys posted.

How is everyone else doing?
 
^^^ Yep. The only time I make a suggestion is when I want to see a particular artist that comes to town. Otherwise I not doing anything. I'll let him know if it's way out of line.
 
Welp saw a movie last night:grin:. He seemed perplexed and amused at my refusal to look up times, prepurchase tickets etc. I wasn't able to see the movie I really wanted to see (due to time constraints and needing to pick up our daughter) so hoping to go see it Sunday. Will let you guys know how it goes.

We go to the movies quite often. It's the me not doing the work that makes it special and more fun. It felt good not being in control and taking care of everything.
 
@hopeful
Yesterday I asked dh when we were going to see Perfect Guy, he gave a very nonchalant idk. I didn't say anything else. He's knows I've wanted to see it since I saw the first preview he also knows that I'll go by myself if necessary.
Today, around 11 he told me I needed to get up and get dressed if I wanted to make the movie at 12:10.
He's getting better
 
@CafedeBelleza I'm so glad your dh came through for you. We had similar experiences today. I wrote this earlier today but just didn't post:

Okay so I decided this morning that I was going to see the movie I wanted to see (The Perfect Guy) by this evening. If he didn't mention or bring it up I was going to take myself. He has already mentioned it and suggested a time to go. I just said I will be ready by that time and you can let me know the exact time, which theatre, etc. He just told me the time and place. Now I'm going to take a bath and make sure I look and feel pretty. It was nice. I hadn't realized how me looking up times and purchasing tickets was impacting our "dates". He caught on quickly that I was over it though.
 
I posted in this thread a few years ago about how DH was emotionally unsupportive. I just wanted to post my update that he has gotten so much better with this over the years. He still isn't great with expressing his emotions, but he tries and it's so endearing when he gets it right because I know how much effort it takes for him, but he works at it because he loves me and wants me to be happy. He also tries harder to show his love and appreciation for me in other ways to compensate for the areas that don't come as naturally to him. Now when he says or does something that would have upset me or hurt my feelings before, I can truly just laugh it off because I feel so well taken care of, those things don't bother me like they used to. It's nice to be able to look back and see how much we've grown together.
 
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