"Marriage Is Hard Work...

[Nayeli]

Like sunnieb said, marry the right man for you. Everybody wants something a little different. And we all grow and change too. What you want at 20 may not be the same at 30 or 40. The most important thing I think for most of us is that he be kind, marriage-minded, and faithful. If you know yourself pretty well you will have an idea of who is right for you.

hopeful. It is impossible to overstate this! So simple, yet so often forgotten. I couldn't be married to most women's version of "the best husband in the world."

 

[LaBelleLL]

Like sunnieb said, marry the right man for you. Everybody wants something a little different. And we all grow and change too. What you want at 20 may not be the same at 30 or 40. The most important thing I think for most of us is that he be kind, marriage-minded, and faithful. If you know yourself pretty well you will have an idea of who is right for you.

This is all I constantly pray for. For the right man for me and I to come together. My match.

 

[CurlyMoo]

It's hard = understatement.

No comment about anything else unless this thread gets as real as the regretting children thread.

Can you post the link to that thread please?

 

[MuziqizLyfe]

Like sunnieb said, marry the right man for you. Everybody wants something a little different. And we all grow and change too. What you want at 20 may not be the same at 30 or 40. The most important thing I think for most of us is that he be kind, marriage-minded, and faithful. If you know yourself pretty well you will have an idea of who is right for you.

I can't bold on my phone but want to agree specifically with what you said about kind, marriage -minded and faithful. This can not be overstated! So many young women think every single boyfriend is marriage material because they are in love. I try to explain to my younger friends all the time that every man that you fall for, no matter how good the relationship may be is not necessarily good enough to be your spouse.

Some men make a good boyfriend...Maybe they are good for right now but would not work out in the long term. Women love to go on hope...Hope he will mature, hope he will change, hope he will want to marry me. Its a waste of time...pick somebody that is already that type of man from the jump. Yes, marriage requires work...it shouldn't be soul sucking back breaking work though.

The super hard work that some couples have to do just to keep the marriage going is because something crucial is missing in the equation on either or both sides of the relationship.

 

[Britt]

I can't bold on my phone but want to agree specifically with what you said about kind, marriage -minded and faithful. This can not be overstated! So many young women think every single boyfriend is marriage material because they are in love. I try to explain to my younger friends all the time that every man that you fall for, no matter how good the relationship may be is necessarily good enough to be your spouse.

Some men make a good boyfriend...Maybe they are good for right now but would not work out in the long term. Women love to go on hope...Hope he will mature, hope he will change, hope he will want to marry me. Its a waste of time...pick somebody that is already that type of man from the jump. Yes, marriage requires work...it shouldn't be soul sucking back breaking work though.

The super hard work that some couples have to do just to keep the marriage going is because something crucial is missing in the equation on either or both sides of the relationship.

Well said! I agree with every single word.

Although sometimes it gets to me that I'm getting older and not married as yet, I KNOW that I would not have been ready when I was younger and the men I was with are not marriage material either. It's only as time is passing that I am learning more and seeing what's really important and what I can and cannot work with in a mate. There are certain traits that are critical to a person's character and then there are other variables that need heavy consideration as well. I also think the older you get the more you know what works and doesn't work for you. What will fit and not fit. I don't think it will take years to know that with a person. Me, I can't see myself giving someone more than 6-9 months of my time at this point in my life if I don't know whether or not I can see myself marrying this man -- otherwise, it's a waste of time for me. I am truly flummoxed when women are in a relationship for years after their early 30s and things are still up in the air when the woman wants marriage.

 

[Maracujá]

I can't bold on my phone but want to agree specifically with what you said about kind, marriage -minded and faithful. This can not be overstated! So many young women think every single boyfriend is marriage material because they are in love. I try to explain to my younger friends all the time that every man that you fall for, no matter how good the relationship may be is necessarily good enough to be your spouse.

Some men make a good boyfriend...Maybe they are good for right now but would not work out in the long term. Women love to go on hope...Hope he will mature, hope he will change, hope he will want to marry me. Its a waste of time...pick somebody that is already that type of man from the jump. Yes, marriage requires work...it shouldn't be soul sucking back breaking work though.

The super hard work that some couples have to do just to keep the marriage going is because something crucial is missing in the equation on either or both sides of the relationship.

The lady who wrote 'The Tightwad Gazette' said the same thing and it really left me pondering. All you read nowadays is how you have to prepare, prepare, prepare for marriage to the point that it makes it seem impossible to even get married.

 

[MizAvalon]

Maybe it's because DH and I were older when we got married(Me 37, Him 44) or maybe it's because we're newlyweds or maybe it's both but marriage really isn't that hard for us. Honestly, we had our growing pains during the courting phase. That was more challenging than marriage has been so far.

Sex hasn't changed at all because I made sure to start out with something that I could realistically keep up with long term. Because of that we have the exact same amount of sex now as we did when we first got together. I wasn't going to have him complaining after a few years that the sex slowed down so I only gave him what I knew I could realistically maintain and he's very happy with that.

Division of Labor-He cooks, I clean. He cooks because he's better at it. I don't particularly like cleaning but I like my version of clean better than his so I choose to do that. He does his own laundry, I do my own.

I just think because I got married a little older that I had more realistic expectations about what marriage was going to be. If I had done it in my 20's I know for a fact that I would have had a much harder time of it and would have probably gotten divorced. Back then I was selfish, spoiled, didn't know how to compromise, etc. All very bad qualities for a spouse to have.

Having said all that, we don't have children yet so we'll see how the dynamic changes once we do!

 

[kanozas]

I was just thinking of this today. Older and you know what you want specifically. Younger, you're all green, trying to figure out the world and how to get it all.

Prepare, prepare, prepare, well, you should but the way that it's often presented, people are getting discouraged, not knowing just how "perfect" they ought be beforehand. In some cultures, you're ready when the day of the wedding comes. Commit and just do the thing. I don't think there is a magic bullet. I don't think you're going to get Herr. Perfektion either, even if he's a saint initially. But just do the thing. The difference between commitment phobes and the fearless is...those who commit to marry. I don't believe in settling, though. The best choice...but a choice, nonetheless. I heard a pastor say that the promised one is a myth. I dunno. Maybe.

 

[Sky]

It's work - that's for sure. But it's work that I enjoy. Watching me, him and the union grow is very fulfilling. Especially the union . . . the connection. I love that. It only feels like hard work once in a blue moon.

Yes - totally agree.

 

[brittle_hair]

Do you ladies believe the age you got married makes a factor as well? I am now ready to get married and settle down at 30 then if I were to do that at 25. I have learned many things about myself this past year and although I assumed I knew what it entails to get married but I had no clue about staying married.

For example ;
Learning to be less selfish
Compromising
Not allowing my girlfriends opinions to influence my relationships
Taking care of home. .... And the list goes on

I know I would of been divorced, filing for or separated had I said: I DO @ age 25


I would love to hear from everyone... Especially the married women

I agree with the age bit, I married at 31. I may have gotten away with 25, since we met when I was 26. But any younger than that would have been pushing it for me.

 

[JulietWhiskey]

I don't have a conventional marriage: my husband does 80% of the cooking, cleaning and childcare duties because his career is far more flexible than mine and if the fam was waiting on me to do all that istht, they'd still be waiting until the 12 of Never.

What makes marriage hard work for me is being completely present and bringing my best self to bear in any and all situations. And I agree on compromising: both me and DH like to be "in charge" and that can spell disaster IF battles are not chosen wisely. I've learned to do this wisely so that when I'm ready to throw down, he knows **** JUST GOT REAL.

But overall, he just does it for me. He's the smartest, funniest, most compassionate, most insightful person I know and he gives me "The Business."

I like and love him.