"Marriage Is Hard Work...

n_lucky

n_lucky

Well-Known Member
...but its worth it."

We've all heard this countless times.

How true is this statement for you?

What makes it hard and what makes it worth it for you?
 
You have to learn to live and compromise with another individual at all times. That's hard work.

Its Worth it to me because my husband is my best friend...to have that quality...that TRUE quality in your life partner is simply invaluable to me. So it's beyond worth it.
 
I think it's hard because most of us marry young and don't really know ourselves well enough, don't understand the opposite sex in general, or our men in particular. The other hard part is that people change. So just when you or he think(s) you got it down the other person changes a bit as far as their needs, wants, perspective, goals, etc. But yes, definitely worth the effort for the right person.
 
It's hard = understatement.

No comment about anything else unless this thread gets as real as the regretting children thread.
 
You got that right. Growing up I always thought marriage was overrated and I thought I'd probably never get married because things men do just annoys the hell out of me.

I personal think there's something wrong with the XY chromosome. LOL

BTW I'm married now and I still believe It's overrated. But now that my husband is a truck driver and I don't see him everyday I love him to death.



sent from my HTC Evo using Long Hair Care Forum app
 
Agree re the hard work bit. Is it worth it????? Ummm i am not sure yet - will come to my conclusions about that bit later.

The things no one told me about:
1 - Loss of identity
2. - Them thinking that you always have to compromise/sacrifice bc you're the woman
3. The dwindling social life
4. The weight of expectation
5. The unequal division of labour :nono:
 
I think the hardest point is that point when the children are still young and the husband is feeling pressure to really establish himself and it seems almost everything falls on the wife's shoulders. There can just be this point when you want to curl up and die or run away but it does pass and it doesn't have to be this way. It can just kind of sneak up on you. The early stages without kids is fun, but when the kids come it is magical and the worst thing at the same time, diapers, school, crying, 104 degree temperatures, throwing up, mommy I don't feel well, honey I'm working late, can you pick up my dry cleaning? And yet so many magical moments, the joy of bringing forth life, those cute little feet, mommy look I can tie my shoes! I love you, you're the best wife. All of the sweet hugs and kisses. Just so much happiness and stress all at once. And now I am at a point where I feel almost free. One in college, one in middle school. So much less stress. Husband settled in career. If you really want to be married it's worth it. Otherwise, maybe not.
 
Agreed. The compromising part is difficult, especially if you do not marry young and know exactly how you want to handle the situation, without input from anyone.

snillohsss said:
You have to learn to live and compromise with another individual at all times. That's hard work.

Its Worth it to me because my husband is my best friend...to have that quality...that TRUE quality in your life partner is simply invaluable to me. So it's beyond worth it.
Click to expand...
 
It's hard. You get tired of compromising and having to work things out, but you know you must if you want it to work. I would not have married my husband if he didn't compromise to.

It is worth it because I love having the companionship, and I want to do my best to give my future children both parents in the home.

Marriage takes a lot of patience, and it takes some getting used to. I couldn't imagine going through this first year and having a baby in the mix. When he is on my nerves because he sits his toothbrush on the sink it reminds me its better we get in our groove together more before we add children.

Sent from my DROIDX using DROIDX
 
Vintageglam said:
The things no one told me about:
1 - Loss of identity
2. - Them thinking that you always have to compromise/sacrifice bc you're the woman
3. The dwindling social life
4. The weight of expectation
5. The unequal division of labour :nono:
Click to expand...
Forgive the hijack, but, I'm single, and the bold are things I always observed and feared about marriage, from I was extremely young. I think I was 7 or 8 when I told my mom I would never get married.(She told me never to say that again). I saw those things, so much so that in my early 20s I would see a woman walking around with her husband and kids and feel a shiver of real dread.

The loss of identity thing is big for me - the way a woman becomes Mrs. So-and-So - never again does anyone ever think of her as an individual, with her own identity - she is always thought of in connection with him. And in many instances, in their life as well, she becomes his adjunct, his helper, although he isn't really hers. E.g. if he's in a position of authority at work or in the community, she goes out of her way to help and support him - write his letters, carry out social duties, do admin for him - she's in the background doing everything to promote his career, because his career is considered primary, but he doesn't do the same for her.

I can see however, that with the right partner, this need not be the case.
 
When you guys say unequal division of labor what specifically do you mean? Is this mainly geared towards marriages where the wife stays at home?
 
Marriage is not for everyone. I say this to anyone who ask me if it is hard. I think that it takes 2 very forgiving people to STAY married. Is every marriage worth the hard work? Nope. Sometimes you really do end up married to the wrong person.

So far the good has outweighed the bad by a long shot. I have to give GRACE most of the credit for helping me get past the bad times.
 
ebonylocs said:
Forgive the hijack, but, I'm single, and the bold are things I always observed and feared about marriage, from I was extremely young. I think I was 7 or 8 when I told my mom I would never get married.(She told me never to say that again). I saw those things, so much so that in my early 20s I would see a woman walking around with her husband and kids and feel a shiver of real dread.

The loss of identity thing is big for me - the way a woman becomes Mrs. So-and-So - never again does anyone ever think of her as an individual, with her own identity - she is always thought of in connection with him. And in many instances, in their life as well, she becomes his adjunct, his helper, although he isn't really hers. E.g. if he's in a position of authority at work or in the community, she goes out of her way to help and support him - write his letters, carry out social duties, do admin for him - she's in the background doing everything to promote his career, because his career is considered primary, but he doesn't do the same for her.

I can see however, that with the right partner, this need not be the case.
Click to expand...

This is key. If you do this, everything you mentioned becomes a moot point. The sad thing is that many women do NOT marry the right partner, which is why you hear more bad about marriages than good.
 
The right person is huge. I have a girlfriend who is always asking me how I get my husband to do this and do that. She thinks with effort she can make her marriage like mine. I gently try to tell her that we married completely different types of men, period, and that makes a huge difference.
 
VirtuousBeauty said:
When you guys say unequal division of labor what specifically do you mean? Is this mainly geared towards marriages where the wife stays at home?
Click to expand...

Um no :look: even if you work the same amount of hours, most of the house work falls on the wife's shoulders just like child rearing, you're the one who has to keep the house clean, cook dinner, wash dishes, do laundry, clean errant dirty Hanes that have been left in the sheets, plus have sex after doing all of that and working an 8 - 10 hour day.

Simply because it's expected of women, and in those early lovey dovey stages when you're going above board doing everything with stars in your eyes you are essentially setting yourself up for failure, cooking 3 course meals, ironing his socks, sex every night, then after the newness wears off and he's not helping with the house work because you've shooed him away for 1 - 2 years you get bitter not realizing you set up your own down fall.

The best advice my memaw gave was NEVER start anything you don't plan on doing for the rest of your marriage
 
n_lucky said:
...but its worth it."

We've all heard this countless times.

How true is this statement for you?

What makes it hard and what makes it worth it for you?
Click to expand...

marriage is work period but if you're working with the right person it is definitely worth it.

Compromising is the hardest when you're used to doing everything your way, with me another factor was keeping my parents out of my marriage, I'm a daddy's girl and when I want my way I was used to going to Big Daddy for help but my husband thought that was the most disrespectful thing in the world to go ask my daddy something and I didn't give the courtesy of asking first. I was just so used to it that it was a nonissue for me but I had to concede that we were husband and wife and our issues were just that, ours.

I also have a daughter and baby daddy drama so that was another set of problems

unlimited access to rough sex :lick:, date night, someone to gossip with at the end of the day, someone to hold my hand or cuddle just because, companionship, sex, and a true friend currently make it worth it. I hope by the time my daughter gets married I'll have more advice for her.
 
Carolina Girl said:
Um no :look: even if you work the same amount of hours, most of the house work falls on the wife's shoulders just like child rearing, you're the one who has to keep the house clean, cook dinner, wash dishes, do laundry, clean errant dirty Hanes that have been left in the sheets, plus have sex after doing all of that and working an 8 - 10 hour day.

Simply because it's expected of women, and in those early lovey dovey stages when you're going above board doing everything with stars in your eyes you are essentially setting yourself up for failure, cooking 3 course meals, ironing his socks, sex every night, then after the newness wears off and he's not helping with the house work because you've shooed him away for 1 - 2 years you get bitter not realizing you set up your own down fall.

The best advice my memaw gave was NEVER start anything you don't plan on doing for the rest of your marriage
Click to expand...

I agree. That's why there's certain housework in my house that rarely gets done. Oh well!
 
Interesting thread. I've always leaned towards its not worth it, which is why I never wanted to be. :look: I am afraid even with the right person, I'd get into it and be miserable.
 
Imani said:
Interesting thread. I've always leaned towards its not worth it, which is why I never wanted to be. :look: I am afraid even with the right person, I'd get into it and be miserable.
Click to expand...



Maybe these are just those things you hash out before your married along with the other stuff like wanting children etc.
 
ebonylocs said:
Forgive the hijack, but, I'm single, and the bold are things I always observed and feared about marriage, from I was extremely young. I think I was 7 or 8 when I told my mom I would never get married.(She told me never to say that again). I saw those things, so much so that in my early 20s I would see a woman walking around with her husband and kids and feel a shiver of real dread.

The loss of identity thing is big for me - the way a woman becomes Mrs. So-and-So - never again does anyone ever think of her as an individual, with her own identity - she is always thought of in connection with him. And in many instances, in their life as well, she becomes his adjunct, his helper, although he isn't really hers. E.g. if he's in a position of authority at work or in the community, she goes out of her way to help and support him - write his letters, carry out social duties, do admin for him - she's in the background doing everything to promote his career, because his career is considered primary, but he doesn't do the same for her.

I can see however, that with the right partner, this need not be the case.
Click to expand...

I thought I was the only one that felt this way since being a little girl. I think I started around 6 tho:look: I don't mind being in a support role, I think I'd actually enjoy it, helping someone be successful; that actually suits my personality, I'm quiet and like to help and be more in the background. The loss of identity and personal space is what gets me the most. I like my last name and I like my girly, slightly messy bedroom and bathroom.

End hijack and going back to lurk mode to read the married ladies' responses.
 
I definitely think the good outweighs the bad with my marriage. :yep: I don't think I've ever flat-out regretted getting married. :lol: But like others have mentioned finding the right guy makes a world of difference. :yep:
 
Eluv said:
You got that right. Growing up I always thought marriage was overrated and I thought I'd probably never get married because things men do just annoys the hell out of me.

I personal think there's something wrong with the XY chromosome. LOL

BTW I'm married now and I still believe It's overrated. But now that my husband is a truck driver and I don't see him everyday I love him to death.



sent from my HTC Evo using Long Hair Care Forum app
Click to expand...


I'm not married, nor do I have any prospects down the pipeline, but I think that I would be the exact same way. I wouldn't need to see my husband everyday; I would just need to know that he is there.
 
It is hard.

I get tired of reminding him that we both work the same amount of hours so he needs to pull his weight when it comes to the house work.

I am tired of him using my stuff. DON'T FREAKING USE MY EXPENSIVE CONDITIONER OR FACE CREAM WITHOUT MY PERMISSION!!!! After years of screaming and threats he finally understood that what is mine is mine.

When we need to talk he has nothing to say. When I don't want to talk he cant seem to shut up.

I hate when he buys stuff for the house without consulting me. This is OUR house and he is clueless when it comes to decorating!

I hate the fact that all important life decisions impacts us both and I cannot just do what I want anymore without his cooperation and any action he decides to take will also affect me.

Sometimes I just want to be on my own. I just want to have my own space instead of someone being in my face everday. I just wish to be single again.

Then I remember what it was like when I was single and hitting 30. All my friends/sisters were married/shacked up with kids and though I was dating very often/regularly, nothing was lonelier than coming home to an empty house or having to spend holidays like Christmas with family members, not because you want to be with them, but because you don't want to be on your own at Christmas. I hated the feeling that I was not a part of something. With marrriage (most times) I feel like I am a part of a unit, though some days I will also feel like I want to disassociate myself from that unit....................
 
Last edited:
Do you ladies believe the age you got married makes a factor as well? I am now ready to get married and settle down at 30 then if I were to do that at 25. I have learned many things about myself this past year and although I assumed I knew what it entails to get married but I had no clue about staying married.

For example ;
Learning to be less selfish
Compromising
Not allowing my girlfriends opinions to influence my relationships
Taking care of home. .... And the list goes on

I know I would of been divorced, filing for or separated had I said: I DO @ age 25


I would love to hear from everyone... Especially the married women
 
Definately. If I had married when I was younger I would have been divorced already.

sweetvi said:
Do you ladies believe the age you got married makes a factor as well? I am now ready to get married and settle down at 30 then if I were to do that at 25. I have learned many things about myself this past year and although I assumed I knew what it entails to get married but I had no clue about staying married.

For example ;
Learning to be less selfish
Compromising
Not allowing my girlfriends opinions to influence my relationships
Taking care of home. .... And the list goes on

I know I would of been divorced, filing for or separated had I said: I DO @ age 25


I would love to hear from everyone... Especially the married women
Click to expand...
 
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