Marriage Help - We are both good ppl. Just not compatible...AT ALL!

[mzcaramelicious07]

Brief background:
I was married before. Married my first boyfriend who turned out to be physically, verbally, emotionally abusive, controlling etc. I left the area to get away from him and decided to not date for at least a year to get rid of anything that may be left in me from that relationship.

I end up agreeing to a date after almost 2 yrs of being single. The guy is nice, romantic, attractive, hard working, intelligent, but I have never connected to his personality because we are completely different. He is super laid back, speaks in monotone voice only, passive. low tones and non-expressive looks on his face when he talks, no emotion etc. We ended up dating for two years because although I never had fun or connected on dates, he was a sweet guy and looking back now I allowed myself to stay just because he was the complete opposite of the controlling man that I was with before. I married him a couple of months ago, and am miserable. I get down when we have to have discussions because there is no connection and it gets me down being around someone for long periods of time whose facial expression and speech have no emotion whatsoever. I know there is nothing wrong w/ him or his personality but I am unhappy and am kicking myself for not ending things after just a few dates. I am bubbly, outgoing, etc and am truly missing the connection of being able to laugh, joke, crack up with someone. More importantly, he knows I am not happy now by my quietness, demeaner with him and he doesn't deserve that. He is truly a good guy, but it all comes down to I wouldn't even have a friend with his personality because I would be unhappy hanging with that friend. And now we are married. I don't know what to do to make things better. I keep asking myself, "Why can't I just be happy? Am I being selfish?" I know this is rambling, but I just wanted to get it off of my chest. Hope there is some good advice out there. And yes, we have already reached out for Marriage Counseling. Thanks to everyone.

 

[Seeking8Rights]

What were your reasons for marrying him? I mean why did you say yes?

 

[mzcaramelicious07]

Reasons for saying yes is because he is truly a nice guy, and I knew he would never treat me (harshly) the way my ex did.

 

[Britt]

Ouch OP...
I'm not married, but what you described is exactly why I think personality compatibility plays a huge role in who you gravitate towards and settle down with. While your DH is a good guy, it doesn't seem like you 'like him' outside of marriage, meaning you don't like him as a person/friend b/c he's soo different from you. For me, I knew I'd always need someone I could laugh with and joke around with, that's vital to me. For other women, maybe not so much. When you get tired of the lovey dovey stuff and get use to each other, you have to like the other person as a friend, be able to enjoy their company, crack up, laugh, etc. It doesn't sound like that's how your DH is, and unfortunately that's not going to change b/c that's just not who he is. You said you're outgoing and bubbly, I'd imagine you'd want someone a bit similar to that to some extent. Outside of him being a good man and not abusive and controlling like your ex what do you really like about your DH? Maybe you could build on that? If you can't come up with much, then... idk .

 

[frizzy]

The question is, do you want to continue with the marriage or not? If you want to stay, we (LHCF) can come up with alllll kinds of solutions to try, but if you want out, there is nothing to add.

You have to figure out what you want to do, selfish or not, you will have to live with the decision.

 

[mzcaramelicious07]

Ouch OP...
I'm not married, but what you described is exactly why I think personality compatibility plays a huge role in who you gravitate towards and settle down with. While your DH is a good guy, it doesn't seem like you 'like him' outside of marriage, meaning you don't like him as a person/friend b/c he's soo different from you. For me, I knew I'd always need someone I could laugh with and joke around with, that's vital to me. For other women, maybe not so much. When you get tired of the lovey dovey stuff and get use to each other, you have to like the other person as a friend, be able to enjoy their company, crack up, laugh, etc. It doesn't sound like that's how your DH is, and unfortunately that's not going to change b/c that's just not who he is. You said you're outgoing and bubbly, I'd imagine you'd want someone a bit similar to that to some extent. Outside of him being a good man and not abusive and controlling like your ex what do you really like about your DH? Maybe you could build on that? If you can't come up with much, then... idk .

There are a lot of great things about him. He is kind hearted, hard working, intelligent, goal oriented, very romantic and so many more things. Everything great on paper. We just have COMPLETELY different personalities. It was very apparent at our wedding because that was the only time when most of our friends came together. All of his friends were extremely introverted, laid back, monotone, etc and loved to be around each other. My friends were like "Whooooo. Glad we could get by ourselves cuz they are downers!" Again, nothing wrong with either one of our personalities, but we just don't connect. Sometimes I look at him and imagine him busting out of a cage and just being free, but he is who he is. I don't know what I can do on my end to be okay with this.

 

[mzcaramelicious07]

The question is, do you want to continue with the marriage or not? If you want to stay, we (LHCF) can come up with alllll kinds of solutions to try, but if you want out, there is nothing to add.

You have to figure out what you want to do, selfish or not, you will have to live with the decision.

Honestly, if I could snap my fingers and go back to when we were not husband and wife, I would politely go my separate way. But that's not the case, and I would feel terrible for leaving a marriage over his personality.

 

[carameldimples]

Yea it's sad, it sounds like you just don't like him....is he aware of it....I feel sorry for him.

 

[Lucie]

Wow, this is a doozy of a situation. Like you, I was married before too and divorced (not for the same reasons).

I don't think you're being selfish but I can relate to you. When you were married once before, you want a man totally different than your past relationship. And the flaws your ex-DH, you go totally extreme to insure that you will not experience them again. However, in that process of trying to make sure you found someone so different, you found someone SO different from YOU.

As I have mentioned before I am not in favor of divorce but know sometimes, there is no choice. I think you should continue with counseling as a couple AND for yourself. I have always heard that men marry a woman hoping she'll NEVER change and women marry a man hoping he WILL change. Your husband is who he is. How can you find a middle-ground?

Although he is more mellow than you, I am sure he loves you dearly and WANTS to please you. Perhaps, you can bring him out of his shell a little. I'd really hate for you to get divorced.

Please, please get some counseling just for you, to help you figure out what needs to be worked on within. I wish you all the best.

 

[mzcaramelicious07]

Yea it's sad, it sounds like you just don't like him....is he aware of it....I feel sorry for him.

Yes, he is aware. Only because my demeaner has changed. I'm now quiet and a little distant. And crying all of the time because I feel so bad regarding hurting him. He is a good guy and should be showered with everything that he needs.

 

[mzcaramelicious07]

Wow, this is a doozy of a situation. Like you, I was married before too and divorced (not for the same reasons).

I don't think you're being selfish but I can relate to you. When you were married once before, you want a man totally different than your past relationship. And the flaws your ex-DH, you go totally extreme to insure that you will not experience them again. However, in that process of trying to make sure you found someone so different, you found someone SO different from YOU.

As I have mentioned before I am not in favor of divorce but know sometimes, there is no choice. I think you should continue with counseling as a couple AND for yourself. I have always heard that men marry a woman hoping she'll NEVER change and women marry a man hoping he WILL change. Your husband is who he is. How can you find a middle-ground?

Although he is more mellow than you, I am sure he loves you dearly and WANTS to please you. Perhaps, you can bring him out of his shell a little. I'd really hate for you to get divorced.

Please, please get some counseling just for you, to help you figure out what needs to be worked on within. I wish you all the best.

Thank you for your advice. We are definitely seeking counseling. I have already reached out to someone today. I never thought about going by myself for myself as well, but maybe that would be a good idea.

As far as the bolded, that is very true. I can't say anything bad about the way he treats me. And even in the midst of the relationship being distant, he still reaches out. I feel so bad.

 

[MzLady78]

Wow, this is a doozy of a situation. Like you, I was married before too and divorced (not for the same reasons).

I don't think you're being selfish but I can relate to you. When you were married once before, you want a man totally different than your past relationship. And the flaws your ex-DH, you go totally extreme to insure that you will not experience them again. However, in that process of trying to make sure you found someone so different, you found someone SO different from YOU.

As I have mentioned before I am not in favor of divorce but know sometimes, there is no choice. I think you should continue with counseling as a couple AND for yourself. I have always heard that men marry a woman hoping she'll NEVER change and women marry a man hoping he WILL change. Your husband is who he is. How can you find a middle-ground?

Although he is more mellow than you, I am sure he loves you dearly and WANTS to please you. Perhaps, you can bring him out of his shell a little. I'd really hate for you to get divorced.

Please, please get some counseling just for you, to help you figure out what needs to be worked on within. I wish you all the best.

I was thinking something similar when I was reading- that you were probably so caught up in the fact that he was so different from your ex, that you didn't even notice how different the 2 of you are. You just wanted someone who was going to be good to you.

If you really want to try to work it out, see how the marriage counseling goes, and the individual counseling should you decide on that was well. But realistically, personality is a damn near impossible thing to change.

If it doesn't work out, at least you know you tried (I'm looking at you, Kim K ). And sometimes that's all you can do. But neither you, nor he, should have to suffer through an unhappy marriage. Life is too short for that.

 

[MixedBerry]

There are a lot of great things about him. He is kind hearted, hard working, intelligent, goal oriented, very romantic and so many more things. Everything great on paper. We just have COMPLETELY different personalities. It was very apparent at our wedding because that was the only time when most of our friends came together. All of his friends were extremely introverted, laid back, monotone, etc and loved to be around each other. My friends were like "Whooooo. Glad we could get by ourselves cuz they are downers!" Again, nothing wrong with either one of our personalities, but we just don't connect. Sometimes I look at him and imagine him busting out of a cage and just being free, but he is who he is. I don't know what I can do on my end to be okay with this.

So, how can a person be straight faced and non emotional like you say but very romantic????? erplexed I mean, like....huh?

 

[mzcaramelicious07]

So, how can a person be straight faced and non emotional like you say but very romantic????? erplexed I mean, like....huh?

He gets flowers, will leave cards for me etc. He does all of the "right" things. His mannerisms, speech, demeaner are just laid back, monotone, etc.

 

[ChasingBliss]

OP, I can so relate to your situation...and it took me 10 years to leave. Thank GOD, I didnt not marry him. I did him a favor. He....well we both deserve better than that. The sad part is that 3 years later he still reminds me that I hurt him bad. He's depressed and blames our break up for his poor health and lack of will. I took me a long time to stop feeling guilty and responsible. I never went back though. That I was not doing.

I am so much more content now. I too like the man who is ALIVE...basically I love happy men period with a great sense of humor and a strong personality...along with being responsible, dedicated, loving, romantic, ect...We can have all of that...I do. And I'm so grateful.

Marriage is a serious thing though. Please weigh your pros and cons.

 

[Windsy]

This is selfish...you had 2 years to walk away and now months into the biggest committment of your life you want out?

I just don't understand....it was a hell of a lot easier to walk away before the marriage and now you're doing this to him not cool at all.

I have no advice for you but to express my utter disdain for what you've done to this man; there's plenty of single women out there just dying for a chance at said man you describe and you knowing FULL well you weren't going to be happy with this man stayed with him for your own selfish reason with disregard for his feeling.

 

[dede1129]

I know how you feel and I am not here to judge you because I know you already feel bad for the situation you are both in. I am assuming you married him with the intention of being happy with him and it was not to end up hurting him or yourself in the process. However, it is my interpretation of the situation that you will remain unhappy until you end this relationship ONLY because seeking Maritial Counseling will NOT change the man. It may change your outlook on him and your marriage but it will NOT change the man. I am sure he wants to please you so he will attempt to do what it takes but at the end of the day he is who he is and you knew that before you married him and you know it more so now. Saying you don't want him does not make him a bad person, just not the right person for you but again...you know this.

If you are wondering why I am so confident in my assesment it is because I am currently in the middle of writing my next novel that deals with this. I would reveal the title but it has not yet been published. I have been where you are and all I can do is say the sooner you make the decision you will eventually make, the sooner you both can mend hurt feelings/broken hearts and move on to someone who is right...for the both of you.

I wish you the best and am here for ya girly!

 

[mzcaramelicious07]

This is selfish...you had 2 years to walk away and now months into the biggest committment of your life you want out?

I just don't understand....it was a hell of a lot easier to walk away before the marriage and now you're doing this to him not cool at all.

I have no advice for you but to express my utter disdain for what you've done to this man; there's plenty of single women out there just dying for a chance at said man you describe and you knowing FULL well you weren't going to be happy with this man stayed with him for your own selfish reason with disregard for his feeling.

I understand your disdain, but I did not intend to marry him and not be happy with him. That is the reason why I feel so bad because I don't want to hurt him and never had any intention of ever doing so.

 

[mzcaramelicious07]

I know how you feel and I am not here to judge you because I know you already feel bad for the situation you are both in. I am assuming you married him with the intention of being happy with him and it was not to end up hurting him or yourself in the process. However, it is my interpretation of the situation that you will remain unhappy until you end this relationship ONLY because seeking Maritial Counseling will NOT change the man. It may change your outlook on him and your marriage but it will NOT change the man. I am sure he wants to please you so he will attempt to do what it takes but at the end of the day he is who he is and you knew that before you married him and you know it more so now. Saying you don't want him does not make him a bad person, just not the right person for you but again...you know this.

If you are wondering why I am so confident in my assesment it is because I am currently in the middle of writing my next novel that deals with this. I would reveal the title but it has not yet been published. I have been where you are and all I can do is say the sooner you make the decision you will eventually make, the sooner you both can mend hurt feelings/broken hearts and move on to someone who is right...for the both of you.

I wish you the best and am here for ya girly!

Thank you for your post. I honestly don't want to leave him because he doesn't deserve any of this. I just don't know how to make it better.

 

[jrae]

I agree with dede1129. I'm not going to judge you either because I can see how you could make this mistake. I am also divorced but luckily I realized that there is more to finding a good man than finding someone who is the opposite of my ex-. I have turned down two marriage proposals from two good men since then because we were not compatible in the areas I feel are critical.

I hope this is a lesson to other women. It's very easy to make this mistake. Marriage is very complicated and there are a lot of factors that make for long-lasting compatibility. You should have sought counseling prior to marriage.

At any rate, still seek counsel now.

 

[Xavier]

Are there any moments when you guys are together where you connect? Do you connect on a physical level?

Funny thing is you sound like the man in the relationship. If you were a man it wouldn't sound so bad. I mean there are plenty of men who are with women who are so nice, wonderful and kind and the man ends up sticking around because he doesn't want to hurt her. But you know how those scenarios turn out. The man ends up meeting an exciting new women and having not only an emotional affair but eventually a physical one. If things don't change I feel that you will end up in the same horrible situation.

2 years is such a long time to be with someone...I just don't understand if you were not happy, why you went along with the marriage. Now that you are in it expecting him to change who he is seems so wrong when there really isn't anything "wrong" with him in the first place.

I hope it all works out for you both.

 

[chocolat79]

You have to know yourself and what you want. In this case OP, it sounds like you didn't know what you wanted for YOU. You only knew that you wanted the opposite of your ex. During those two years when you were single was the time to decide who/what you wanted.
Personally, I can't stand a dull, boring man, no matter how great they are on paper. How you managed to overlook that and solely focus on the "paper" part of the guy is incredible, I guess.

Question: Were you faking being happy with this guy? I mean, were you genuinely happy when he proposed? There was so much opportunity to stop and think before going down this road. Did you want to be married that badly? I mean, it's done now and as my mama says, "sometimes your mistakes are punishment enough".

Well wishes to you, OP. I actually hope it works out for you.

 

[mzcaramelicious07]

I agree with dede1129. I'm not going to judge you either because I can see how you could make this mistake. I am also divorced but luckily I realized that there is more to finding a good man than finding someone who is the opposite of my ex-. I have turned down two marriage proposals from two good men since then because we were not compatible in the areas I feel are critical.

I hope this is a lesson to other women. It's very easy to make this mistake. Marriage is very complicated and there are a lot of factors that make for long-lasting compatibility. You should have sought counseling prior to marriage.

At any rate, still seek counsel now.

We did do premarital counseling, but it was long distance, over the phone. Which of course turned out to be a major mistake. Where we both come off as just nice individuals with key preferences checked off of the list, the minister never got to see our mannerisms in person. The minister was also well aware of what I went through in my previous relationship and automatically thought, "oh. She likes this kind of guy now and he will never hurt her."

 

[Windsy]

I understand your disdain, but I did not intend to marry him and not be happy with him. That is the reason why I feel so bad because I don't want to hurt him and never had any intention of ever doing so.

OP, this trend has to stop with both men and women; there was ample enough time to walk away; it was the easiest route to take now this situation will eventually contribute to "marriage" leaving a bad taste in someone's mouth.....either yours or your husband.

I just can't understand going through with it and then wanting out in a shorter amount of time than what was contributed to the courting.

 

[SmileyNY]

Kim K, is that you? Jk. Op, I'm not going to pretend I know what it's like to be in your situation, b/c I don't. What I will say is, you deserve to be happy, so take some time to figure out exactly what you want (not what's just "good enough") and go for it. Life is too short to settle.

You were a victim, & I sympathize with that... but your husband is the one being victimized now. Precious years are being wasted. Please figure out what you want so that you both can move on (whether that be together or apart) and be happy.


Sent from my iPhone.

 

[caltron]

Don't beat yourself up over this. What's done is done and all you can do is move forward. Your dh deserves a woman who will be truly happy with him, and you can't go for years and years faking the funk.

As bad as you may feel, leaving is the best thing you could do. I can guarantee you that you can get a man with all of the good qualities your dh has AND who is compatible with you.

I can totally understand how you got in this situation. After many years of suffering, I finally got up the nerve to leave a long term, emotionally unhealthy relationship. I dated a lot and found a man who was everything a woman could possibly want. He was nice, kind, attractive, well dressed, professional, educated, romantic, loyal, attentive, trustworthy, $$$$$$$--the list of positives went on and on. The only problem was I was totally bored when I was with him. I tried so hard to love that man, but I just couldn't make myself love him. I realized how bad it was when he went away for training for three weeks and I didn't even miss him. He was so happy to see me again and I wanted to just stay at home by myself and watch T.V.

It's really, really, hard to leave a man like that, especially when you've been with a loser so long. You worry that you only have the ability to love guys who hurt you. I feared that there would only be two choices for me--marry a good man I didn't love or a bad man who I was madly in love with.

I did end up breaking up with him and it was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Then I met dh, and I've never been happier in my life. Dh may not look quite as good on paper as the other guy, but he treats me well and I am madly in love with him. He is a good provider and he has all of the qualities that are important to me. Honestly, there are still times when I wonder whether I could have made it work with the other guy, but I am so happy with dh I am positive I made the right decision.

So again, don't be too hard on yourself. You already know you made a mistake by marrying him, but you did not intend to hurt anyone. All you can do is go forward and make it all right. The way you can do that is to end the marriage now, amicably, so that both you and dh can find the ones you are meant to be with.

 

[mzcaramelicious07]

OP, this trend has to stop with both men and women; there was ample enough time to walk away; it was the easiest route to take now this situation will eventually contribute to "marriage" leaving a bad taste in someone's mouth.....either yours or your husband.

I just can't understand going through with it and then wanting out in a shorter amount of time than what was contributed to the courting.[/QUOTE]

I didn't come into the thread asking how to get out. I came in here asking what I could do to be happy for me which would in turn keep him happy as well. If I could go back to just a few months ago, I would. But the fact is, I can't. So I was asking what can I do to change/be happy because I know he is who he is.

 

[mzcaramelicious07]

Kim K, is that you? Jk. Op, I'm not going to pretend I know what it's like to be in your situation, b/c I don't. What I will say is, you deserve to be happy, so take some time to figure out exactly what you want (not what's just "good enough") and go for it. Life is too short to settle.

You were a victim, & I sympathize with that... but your husband is the one being victimized now. Precious years are being wasted. Please figure out what you want so that you both can move on (whether that be together or apart) and be happy.


Sent from my iPhone.

To the bolded, I know. And that's why I feel so bad because he doesn't deserve anything, but a woman treating him the way he treats me. I have tried to make myself happy with our interaction, conversation, his lack of leadership, etc, but it hasn't proved to be successful. I hate going home because I get down w/ his demeaner, way of speaking etc. I just don't know why I just can't make myself be happy. I'm crying everyday because I truly get down being around that type of personality all of the time and because I feel so bad that he is not getting what he needs. I am just now realizing what I have done. That I have let my ex influence yet another part....a MAJOR part of my life that is a life long decision. I just don't know how to make it better.

 

[Windsy]

OP, this trend has to stop with both men and women; there was ample enough time to walk away; it was the easiest route to take now this situation will eventually contribute to "marriage" leaving a bad taste in someone's mouth.....either yours or your husband.

I just can't understand going through with it and then wanting out in a shorter amount of time than what was contributed to the courting.[/QUOTE]

I didn't come into the thread asking how to get out. I came in here asking what I could do to be happy for me which would in turn keep him happy as well. If I could go back to just a few months ago, I would. But the fact is, I can't. So I was asking what can I do to change/be happy because I know he is who he is.

OP, IDK...you are who you are and he is who he is; if you "change" it won't be genuine and eventually you'll end up back here again at this point wondering what you should do....reality is you 2 aren't compatible and you can't force compatibility...in my opinion.

I can sit here and give you suggestions but it will only be a band-aid that would not heal this wound.

Sit down and talk to your husband and let him know how you "truly" feel...I don't think women on this board can give you any suggestions on how to change/be happy so that your marriage can work; this would be like trying to make a puzzle piece fit when it simply just can't fit.

This is personal and should be addressed with your husband.

 

[mzcaramelicious07]

Don't beat yourself up over this. What's done is done and all you can do is move forward. Your dh deserves a woman who will be truly happy with him, and you can't go for years and years faking the funk.

As bad as you may feel, leaving is the best thing you could do. I can guarantee you that you can get a man with all of the good qualities your dh has AND who is compatible with you.

I can totally understand how you got in this situation. After many years of suffering, I finally got up the nerve to leave a long term, emotionally unhealthy relationship. I dated a lot and found a man who was everything a woman could possibly want. He was nice, kind, attractive, well dressed, professional, educated, romantic, loyal, attentive, trustworthy, $$$$$$$--the list of positives went on and on. The only problem was I was totally bored when I was with him. I tried so hard to love that man, but I just couldn't make myself love him. I realized how bad it was when he went away for training for three weeks and I didn't even miss him. He was so happy to see me again and I wanted to just stay at home by myself and watch T.V.

It's really, really, hard to leave a man like that, especially when you've been with a loser so long. You worry that you only have the ability to love guys who hurt you. I feared that there would only be two choices for me--marry a good man I didn't love or a bad man who I was madly in love with.

I did end up breaking up with him and it was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Then I met dh, and I've never been happier in my life. Dh may not look quite as good on paper as the other guy, but he treats me well and I am madly in love with him. He is a good provider and he has all of the qualities that are important to me. Honestly, there are still times when I wonder whether I could have made it work with the other guy, but I am so happy with dh I am positive I made the right decision.

So again, don't be too hard on yourself. You already know you made a mistake by marrying him, but you did not intend to hurt anyone. All you can do is go forward and make it all right. The way you can do that is to end the marriage now, amicably, so that both you and dh can find the ones you are meant to be with.

I don't know how to not beat myself up over this. What have I done?!!
I truly hope ending the marriage is not the answer. I do not want to get a divorce and more importantly this good man did not sign up for one. I know he didn't sign up for an unfilling marriage either. That is why I am just trying to lean towards making myself happy with who he is.