Marriage Help - We are both good ppl. Just not compatible...AT ALL!

[Windsy]

"That is why I am just trying to lean towards making myself happy with who he is."

I'm gonna flip this back to you.....how can you do this?

I know you asked us and you know yourself and him better than we do so, tell us, how do you plan on going about this?

 

[mzcaramelicious07]

OP, IDK...you are who you are and he is who he is; if you "change" it won't be genuine and eventually you'll end up back here again at this point wondering what you should do....reality is you 2 aren't compatible and you can't force compatibility...in my opinion.

I can sit here and give you suggestions but it will only be a band-aid that would not heal this wound.

Sit down and talk to your husband and let him know how you "truly" feel...I don't think women on this board can give you any suggestions on how to change/be happy so that your marriage can work; this would be like trying to make a puzzle piece fit when it simply just can't fit.

This is personal and should be addressed with your husband.

Thank you.

 

[mzcaramelicious07]

"That is why I am just trying to lean towards making myself happy with who he is."

I'm gonna flip this back to you.....how can you do this?

I know you asked us and you know yourself and him better than we do so, tell us, how do you plan on going about this?

Telling myself that all of the other great qualities that he has outweighs the lack of connection. I could see up and leaving if we were just dating. But we are married and on top of that newly married. I made a mistake, but I would look at myself as an even bigger fool to leave a marriage after a few months without even trying to do what I could to make it work.

 

[Rastafarai]

I didn't come into the thread asking how to get out. I came in here asking what I could do to be happy for me which would in turn keep him happy as well. If I could go back to just a few months ago, I would. But the fact is, I can't. So I was asking what can I do to change/be happy because I know he is who he is.

But that is what is being suggested OP: leaving the marriage would result in your happiness and in turn give him a chance to be happy with someone who can love him and his personality. Don't make him suffer any further.

 

[Windsy]

Telling myself that all of the other great qualities that he has outweighs the lack of connection. I could see up and leaving if we were just dating. But we are married and on top of that newly married. I made a mistake, but I would look at myself as an even bigger fool to leave a marriage after a few months without even trying to do what I could to make it work.

I think you've already done that.....what is your plan to try and make a connection.

The problem here is the "lack of connection" - what can be worked on by you and him to try and see if a connection can be made.

I honestly think you're going about this the wrong way by NOT including him in this...he has to know something is wrong and be willing to work it out with you too.

Think about it, maybe he is that way because he doesn't know something is wrong; he could put forth some effort IF he is aware.

You have to bring him in on this...you can't go about this by yourself - you guys are a "unit" and has to function as one IF this is going to work.

 

[mzcaramelicious07]

Are there any moments when you guys are together where you connect? Do you connect on a physical level?

Funny thing is you sound like the man in the relationship. If you were a man it wouldn't sound so bad. I mean there are plenty of men who are with women who are so nice, wonderful and kind and the man ends up sticking around because he doesn't want to hurt her. But you know how those scenarios turn out. The man ends up meeting an exciting new women and having not only an emotional affair but eventually a physical one. If things don't change I feel that you will end up in the same horrible situation.

2 years is such a long time to be with someone...I just don't understand if you were not happy, why you went along with the marriage. Now that you are in it expecting him to change who he is seems so wrong when there really isn't anything "wrong" with him in the first place.
I hope it all works out for you both.

I went along with the marriage because I knew he treated me so gentle. I dealt with such harshness before that I simply stayed with a guy who was the complete opposite of what I dealt with before. I didn't marry him expecting him to change completely. Some in the leadership area because he even mentioned that he needs to grow. But as far as personality/connection, I didn't expect him to change. I did not expect to be so depressed with it (and am honestly surprised that I am crying everyday over this when he isn't doing anything wrong to me). It just didn't hit me until we started living together and spending much more time together which was post marriage.

 

[mzcaramelicious07]

You have to know yourself and what you want. In this case OP, it sounds like you didn't know what you wanted for YOU. You only knew that you wanted the opposite of your ex. During those two years when you were single was the time to decide who/what you wanted.
Personally, I can't stand a dull, boring man, no matter how great they are on paper. How you managed to overlook that and solely focus on the "paper" part of the guy is incredible, I guess.

Question: Were you faking being happy with this guy? I mean, were you genuinely happy when he proposed? There was so much opportunity to stop and think before going down this road. Did you want to be married that badly? I mean, it's done now and as my mama says, "sometimes your mistakes are punishment enough".

Well wishes to you, OP. I actually hope it works out for you.

I always felt there was a lack of connection, but was happy because he is a good man. It was very refreshing for once to be the one who was more outgoing, agressive, allowed to make decisions, etc. I had no desire to be married that badly. I actually didn't even plan to marry for a few more years, but got caught up in "he will never hit me and treats me like gold. There is nothing wrong with him and he will never hurt me."

 

[hopeful]

I think what will make you happy has little to do with your husband, and more to do with you. You need serious therapy. You attracted and married an abuser. You fled the marriage and the area you were living for your safety. And it never occurred to you that you needed therapy to understand the dynamics of how you ended up in that situation in the first place, and to get help healing from the trauma of being in an abusive situation. You just took some time away from men, which was good, but you needed more help than that. Now you turn around and date a man for two years and have no clue you won't be happy being married to him. Dating him must have not been too bad. You were "happy" enough then, but as soon as you get married, you are sad, and wishing her were different.

If I were you, for now, I wouldn't even worry about the couple's counseling, I would focus my energy on individual counseling. You need to get to the root of what's going on with you. All of your energy now is on him, him, him. How monotone he is, how passive he is. Very little focus on you, you, you. Like with all that you have written I still have no feel for who you are and what you are like. Once you get to the root of what's going on with you, and heal it, I think you will be much happier. If you really heal and still don't want him, fine. But for now you need to take the spotlight off him and put it onto yourself. I know you don't want to be married a third time if you don't have to. Also, do you have children? I'm just curious and wondering how they are coping with this chaos.

 

[mzcaramelicious07]

I think you've already done that.....what is your plan to try and make a connection.

The problem here is the "lack of connection" - what can be worked on by you and him to try and see if a connection can be made.

I honestly think you're going about this the wrong way by NOT including him in this...he has to know something is wrong and be willing to work it out with you too.

Think about it, maybe he is that way because he doesn't know something is wrong; he could put forth some effort IF he is aware.

You have to bring him in on this...you can't go about this by yourself - you guys are a "unit" and has to function as one IF this is going to work.

I have talked to him about it. I didn't even realize that my personality/demeaner had changed and he said it seems like I'm not the bubbly, happy person that he knows. I told him briefly what I expressed here and his response was he knows that he didn't make a mistake in marrying me, lets do counseling and do what we need to do to work this out. We have already reached out for counseling.

 

[mzcaramelicious07]

I think what will make you happy has little to do with your husband, and more to do with you. You need serious therapy. You attracted and married an abuser. You fled the marriage and the area you were living for your safety. And it never occurred to you that you needed therapy to understand the dynamics of how you ended up in that situation in the first place, and to get help healing from the trauma of being in an abusive situation. You just took some time away from men, which was good, but you needed more help than that. Now you turn around and date a man for two years and have no clue you won't be happy being married to him. Dating him must have not been too bad. You were "happy" enough then, but as soon as you get married, you are sad, and wishing her were different.

If I were you, for now, I wouldn't even worry about the couple's counseling, I would focus my energy on individual counseling. You need to get to the root of what's going on with you. All of your energy now is on him, him, him. How monotone he is, how passive he is. Very little focus on you, you, you. Like with all that you have written I still have no feel for who you are and what you are like. Once you get to the root of what's going on with you, and heal it, I think you will be much happier. If you really heal and still don't want him, fine. But for now you need to take the spotlight off him and put it onto yourself. I know you don't want to be married a third time if you don't have to. Also, do you have children? I'm just curious and wondering how they are coping with this chaos.

No. No children. I did get counseling (through church. Not a licensed therapist) after leaving the abusive situation. I have also looked into individual counseling as well to see if maybe there is something unresolved in me.

 

[caltron]

The longer you go, the worse it will become. Right now, you're only hurting him, but if you go on, you will be hurting lots of other people--your future children, his family, etc. I think you know deep down that you will never love this man and this will just end badly years down the road.

I can't agree enough with what the other ladies have said. You have to discuss this with your husband. If you don't feel you have the strength to leave him, at the very least, you have tell him how you're feeling. At least that way, it can be his choice about whether he is o.k. with your deception and is willing to see if you can learn to love him. What you're doing is on the same level as adultery to me. If you keep this to yourself and he finds out years down the road, the fact that you kept your feelilngs a secret so long will hurt just as much as the fact that his marriage is ending.

Finally, I don't think you not wanting a divorce so soon after you married should NOT be one of your reasons for staying. That is you worrying about *you* and not *him*

 

[Windsy]

No. No children. I did get counseling (through church. Not a licensed therapist) after leaving the abusive situation. I have also looked into individual counseling as well to see if maybe there is something unresolved in me.

I think this may be the root of your issue....go forward with the individual counseling before the two of you do couples counseling.

Also I'm glad to hear that he is aware of what is going on; he seems that he wants to work on this because he wants this marriage...this is a good thing.

 

[caltron]

I have talked to him about it. I didn't even realize that my personality/demeaner had changed and he said it seems like I'm not the bubbly, happy person that he knows. I told him briefly what I expressed here and his response was he knows that he didn't make a mistake in marrying me, lets do counseling and do what we need to do to work this out. We have already reached out for counseling.

I didn't see this before I posted. This is good and a great start and I wish you two the best. Even if it doesn't work, by telling him he won't feel as much bitterness.

 

[mzcaramelicious07]

The longer you go, the worse it will become. Right now, you're only hurting him, but if you go on, you will be hurting lots of other people--your future children, his family, etc. I think you know deep down that you will never love this man and this will just end badly years down the road.

I can't agree enough with what the other ladies have said. You have to discuss this with your husband. If you don't feel you have the strength to leave him, at the very least, you have tell him how you're feeling. At least that way, it can be his choice about whether he is o.k. with your deception and is willing to see if you can learn to love him. What you're doing is on the same level as adultery to me. If you keep this to yourself and he finds out years down the road, the fact that you kept your feelilngs a secret so long will hurt just as much as the fact that his marriage is ending.

Finally, I don't think you not wanting a divorce so soon after you married should NOT be one of your reasons for staying. That is you worrying about *you* and not *him*

I have told him about this. We have both agreed that counseling is the next step. I honestly came in here seeking advice on what to do on MY end to make this better in addition to what is gathered at individual counseling and couples' counseling.
My reason for not wanting a divorce is not simply because I don't want a divorce so soon. It is because I would feel that I gave up so quickly and didn't do all that I could to make it work.

 

[Mortons]

I get the feeling that this isn't so much about him as there is something going on with you. How do you feel when you are not home? What is your overall energy like at this point in your life? Why do you truly feel you are having trouble being happy?

Sent from my SPH-M910 using Long Hair Care Forum App

 

[mzcaramelicious07]

I get the feeling that this isn't so much about him as there is something going on with you. How do you feel when you are not home? What is your overall energy like at this point in your life? Why do you truly feel you are having trouble being happy?

Sent from my SPH-M910 using Long Hair Care Forum App

As mentioned before, I am a very outgoing, bubbly, assertive, confident, go getter but still nice person. I am very happy, excited, joking, cracking up person when I'm not home. I get the feeling that you are thinking this, so let me say I'm not a depressed individual going through a low life moment and blaming it on my husband.

 

[**SaSSy**]

You really need to work it out, unless he's cheating on you, being abusive to you and your children, or not contributing to the household, I really don't see why you need to divorce him because he has "muted emotions". You had two yrs to get out, now all of a sudden things are problematic. Go to counseling with or without him because it seems you have some issues within yourself.

 

[JinaRicci]

I think what will make you happy has little to do with your husband, and more to do with you. You need serious therapy. You attracted and married an abuser. You fled the marriage and the area you were living for your safety. And it never occurred to you that you needed therapy to understand the dynamics of how you ended up in that situation in the first place, and to get help healing from the trauma of being in an abusive situation. You just took some time away from men, which was good, but you needed more help than that. Now you turn around and date a man for two years and have no clue you won't be happy being married to him. Dating him must have not been too bad. You were "happy" enough then, but as soon as you get married, you are sad, and wishing her were different.

If I were you, for now, I wouldn't even worry about the couple's counseling, I would focus my energy on individual counseling. You need to get to the root of what's going on with you. All of your energy now is on him, him, him. How monotone he is, how passive he is. Very little focus on you, you, you. Like with all that you have written I still have no feel for who you are and what you are like. Once you get to the root of what's going on with you, and heal it, I think you will be much happier. If you really heal and still don't want him, fine. But for now you need to take the spotlight off him and put it onto yourself. I know you don't want to be married a third time if you don't have to. Also, do you have children? I'm just curious and wondering how they are coping with this chaos.

ITA with this post! From everything you said, your husband hasn't done anything wrong and I'm not sure if you were expecting him to based on your previous experience. I agree that you should go to counseling by yourself with a licensed therapist so you can work to save your marriage. Church counseling is good but there are sometimes deeper emotional scars that take more time to uncover and resolve that a professional should handle.

Just curious, did you ever fall in love with your husband? What was that like?

 

[ChasingBliss]

You really need to work it out, unless he's cheating on you, being abusive to you and your children, or not contributing to the household, I really don't see why you need to divorce him because he has "muted emotions". You had two yrs to get out, now all of a sudden things are problematic. Go to counseling with or without him because it seems you have some issues within yourself.

No offense to you Sassy, but OOOOH how I hate when folks say this to women. Why? You cant force people to feel that loving feeling for someone if they dont. Does it really mean they have a personal problem? Well it could...but not always.

On the other hand men can come and go as they please from us for the simplest of reasons and folks will just pat him on the back and say, "well I guess you had to do what you had to do son" ...

OP I really hope you can make some sense of this and come to a conclusion that is good for both you and your husband.

 

[mzcaramelicious07]

You really need to work it out, unless he's cheating on you, being abusive to you and your children, or not contributing to the household, I really don't see why you need to divorce him because he has "muted emotions". You had two yrs to get out, now all of a sudden things are problematic. Go to counseling with or without him because it seems you have some issues within yourself.

Lord. I can not stress enough that I did not come here saying I wanted a divorce! I came in here asking for some advice on what I could do to make things better. I was thinking that maybe some other women have dealth with this and could give me some insight on how to make things better. The majority of the insight I have been given is to "get out for you and for him" and my response has been I want to do everything that there is to be done to work it out. I have not once jumped to divorce.

 

[mzcaramelicious07]

ITA with this post! From everything you said, your husband hasn't done anything wrong and I'm not sure if you were expecting him to based on your previous experience. I agree that you should go to counseling by yourself with a licensed therapist so you can work to save your marriage. Church counseling is good but there are sometimes deeper emotional scars that take more time to uncover and resolve that a professional should handle.

Just curious, did you ever fall in love with your husband? What was that like?

No, I have never expected him to do anything wrong. I ended the first relationship. I didnt' stay in it or have been with abuser after abuser. I just made a mistake. My current husband is actually the only other guy that I have been with outside of the one who ended up being abusive.

I do love my husband. I have always admired him for the great heart that he has and how thoughtful he is. He's truly a good man.

 

[Carrie A]

So just focus on his good points and you may have to lower your expectations. He's not going to become an emotional person if that's not his personality. You may have to look to your friends for the more emotional interactions that you seek. I haven't read that book Love Languages but maybe that can help you better understand and appreciate how he expresses love.

 

[LoveisYou]

I agree with everything hopeful said.

 

[Zaynab]

I understand your disdain, but I did not intend to marry him and not be happy with him. That is the reason why I feel so bad because I don't want to hurt him and never had any intention of ever doing so.

I 100% agree with Windsy I also wonder if you need to seek some personal counseling for youself. Perhaps you don't feel that you deserve to be happy and have a kind, decent, loving man. I'm so angry about this because I see women that do this all the time--find a nice guy and then focus on something that isn't 'right' something that is usually intangible and honestly not a reason to get rid of someone. Yet you moved forward knowing he was introverted. I have a big personality and my dh is more introverted than I am. I don't try to change him, I know how he is and I accept him for it. He may not like your extravertedness. You shouldn't try push an introvert, I do know that.

I think you should sit back and be happy that you have a nice loving man and work on what's maybe lacking or hurting in yourself. I just think this is very unfair.

 

[Onyx]

There are a lot of great things about him. He is kind hearted, hard working, intelligent, goal oriented, very romantic and so many more things. Everything great on paper. We just have COMPLETELY different personalities. It was very apparent at our wedding because that was the only time when most of our friends came together. All of his friends were extremely introverted, laid back, monotone, etc and loved to be around each other. My friends were like "Whooooo. Glad we could get by ourselves cuz they are downers!" Again, nothing wrong with either one of our personalities, but we just don't connect. Sometimes I look at him and imagine him busting out of a cage and just being free, but he is who he is. I don't know what I can do on my end to be okay with this.

Are you sure that your friends aren't influencing you in any way? I just don't understand how you can date someone for 2 YEARS, never have fun with them on any dates or have any kind of connection (per your first post) and decide to marry them. I agree with the other ladies. Seek individual counseling because you have a pattern of settling and marrying men who are clearly not right for you (abusive or not). Good luck...