We are at the Crossroads (Me and My Man)

[Hidden_Angel]

I don't know why....... but iget the impression YOUR the problem not him......

Have you ever thought that its just your restless sprite and you MIGHT even need to be by yourself and explore the world a lil??? before your settled down?

 

[PaperDoll]

Thank You VeeJai, I'm gonna need it!!! Because According to everyone here I am undeserving, unappreciative, immature, instigating poor excuse for a girlfriend (Not quite in those words). But its ok because he loves it. I just gotta learn how to love him for who he is.....starting now. Thanks again.

c'mon now...

you asked for help, don't be defensive when the help or advice you're receiving isn't what you wanted to hear or it shows you something about yourself that you may not have realized or like

as i said before, i am speaking to you from experience, to this day, i wish someone would have told me to get *my* act together before i lost my ex-boyfriend b'cuz none of the dudes after him have been as good a man to me as he was

you don't wanna be in that spot, right?

all we are saying is instead of trying to fix *him* look at what you are doing and work on that instead, that alone might help you have the relationship you are looking for & need..it's good to see you say you need to "learn to love him for who he is, starting now."

if you really work @ that, i'm sure y'all will be okay! good luck!

 

[JuicesN'Berries]

Where is Kinikakes?
Isn't she a psychologist/therapist?
I would be interested in her doing an online clinical assesment of you

I am curious as to your way of thinking and/or your motives for being
"on-again-off-again" with James other than him being "boring".
on-Because he is sweet, sincere, caring and kind and loves me for me.
off-Because he is boring, not focused in school, smokes too much weed, and is kinda off his rocker at times.

Do you feel any remorse for treating him that way, like he is at your disposal?
yes because I know that he accepts me with all my flaws and I throw his up in his face. So at times I feel really bad.

Are you ever curious as to how he feels about you comparing him to others or putting him down by calling him boring?
I always think about how he would feel if he heard me comparing him or putting him down....and again I feel bad about it.

Do you believe that it is alright to demean or belittle someone who is simply being themselves?
No, and he always says "this is me, I'm just being me"

Do you have any empathy for him at all?
Very much so, Because at times he makes me feel like his world revolves around me and I love him and care for him but the world doesn't neccessarily revolve around him.

I would really like to know the answers to those questions.
Depending on your answers, I'm thinking, hmmmm, narcissistic personality disorder?
Can you explain the disorder, I might be able to diagnose myself, depending on the symptoms.

But, you can't go by me.
I am not qualified to make those assessments.
I'm only a psych student in my senior year; that's why am calling on Kinikakes!
Kinikakes!!!!!! Am I a narcissistic *****?

You seem to be a smart lady in that you can identify that something is "wrong" with your attitude towards this man.
I applaud you for coming to that conclusion on your own.
Why, Thank You

This is a man that you say loves you and treats you well.
Therefore the issue may not be James, per se.
James has other issues that push me aways sometimes, but I would rather not discuss them here.

James appears to be, based on your description, a decent, stand up guy, very grounded, and very mature for twenty-two.
Perhaps, that is your definition of "boring"?
True, He is all of the above. But I when I say he is boring, I mean the definition.

Is there something, somewhere within you that rejects those qualities in a man?
No, because I feel if he weren't so boring we would have the best relationship in the world. I really want excitment and not drama.

Are you rejecting him because on some level you do not feel you deserve to be treated well?
I don't think so, I just get tired of being on the phone and him not having to much to say and or the lack of intellectual convo.

Are you simplying longing for your ex and just using James to past the time, and therefore not really in love with him at all?
Maybe James is just a "safe" alternative for you.
I don't want to be with my ex. But Sometimes I do feel James is a safe alternative.....I know he is not going anywhere (I know selfish)

You're comfortable with him right now because he's familiar and he's sure to be around, which is why you can cut him loose weekly, but then you go running to snatch him up again...even though you're not all that happy?
Yup, but honestly I do want it to work. I love him and his family very much. I can see us being together, and often think about it. Sometimes I worry that he needs to focus on what he is gonna do with school and his life......this discourages me.

This situation seems to be more about you and how you perceive and receive James, rather than James himself.
You might be right, and or how I perceive and receive myself.

I am in no way throwing stones, just trying to dig deeper.
Perhaps some serious soul searching/inner work may be in order.
I appreciate this very much and it is very very helpful even with out a response. Thank you.

With the love of Christ,
dk

I had to write something outside the quote to post this.

 

[JuicesN'Berries]

c'mon now...

you asked for help, don't be defensive when the help or advice you're receiving isn't what you wanted to hear or it shows you something about yourself that you may not have realized or like

as i said before, i am speaking to you from experience, to this day, i wish someone would have told me to get *my* act together before i lost my ex-boyfriend b'cuz none of the dudes after him have been as good a man to me as he was

you don't wanna be in that spot, right?

all we are saying is instead of trying to fix *him* look at what you are doing and work on that instead, that alone might help you have the relationship you are looking for & need..it's good to see you say you need to "learn to love him for who he is, starting now."

if you really work @ that, i'm sure y'all will be okay! good luck!

No, I wasn't being defensive I was trying to be funny!!! Maybe thats why james doesn't understand my humor!! Yeah I don't want to be in that predicament that is why I came to ya'll. And now I'm sitting here waiting for him to get off of work so we can have a deep honest talk......not to mention phone sex!!!!

 

[winterinatl]

Smokes too much weed!! Why didn't you say so!!
Girl that makes dudes really uninteresting to me...
Like I said before, don't settle.

 

[Hidden_Angel]

Smokes too much weed!! Why didn't you say so!!
Girl that makes dudes really uninteresting to me...
Like I said before, don't settle.

he smokes? wow.... ya i can see that no offence but men who smoke alot tend to be boreing and lazy as all get out

 

[PaperDoll]

No, I wasn't being defensive I was trying to be funny!!! Maybe thats why james doesn't understand my humor!! Yeah I don't want to be in that predicament that is why I came to ya'll. And now I'm sitting here waiting for him to get off of work so we can have a deep honest talk......not to mention phone sex!!!!

poor james, he doesn't stand a chance (j/k)

let us know how your talk turns out! & be sure to wipe that phone off when you're done

 

[MochaSilk]

he smokes? wow.... ya i can see that no offence but men who smoke alot tend to be boreing and lazy as all get out

ITA with Hidden_Angel. JB, I also noticed on another thread that you're classified as gifted (me too - 143). Intellectual stimulation = intimacy (to put it nicely). At least that's what happens in my head. Weed, IMO tends to slow that intellectual process. Smoking it alot (like my real dad did) kills it altogether.

One of my favorite things to hear from hubby is, "I had a thought today..." It can be about anything, I just know it'll be something most people don't think of or observe, or it'll make me laugh.

Could be that you might be picking at him from boredom. It doesn't seem as though he can stimulate your mind intellectually, so you get the stimulation from picking at him. We all know that's not the right way to go about it, so...

I also agree with Winternatl (Libras unite!!), that he doesn't sound like he's the right one for you. I've heard that our largest sexual organ is our brain, and he's frying his.

Sticking with a man because he's a good man but not your type of good man might turn him into a bad man and you a bitter woman over time.

Kinda OT, this deals with a mix of high IQs and daddy-issues... My real dad has a high IQ, which he smoked away. When my mom met hubby the first thing she said was, "he's a vanilla version of your real dad, without the pot." Hmmmm...

 

[JuicesN'Berries]

ITA with Hidden_Angel. JB, I also noticed on another thread that you're classified as gifted (me too - 143). Intellectual stimulation = intimacy (to put it nicely). At least that's what happens in my head. Weed, IMO tends to slow that intellectual process. Smoking it alot (like my real dad did) kills it altogether.

One of my favorite things to hear from hubby is, "I had a thought today..." It can be about anything, I just know it'll be something most people don't think of or observe, or it'll make me laugh.

Could be that you might be picking at him from boredom. It doesn't seem as though he can stimulate your mind intellectually, so you get the stimulation from picking at him. We all know that's not the right way to go about it, so...

I also agree with Winternatl (Libras unite!!), that he doesn't sound like he's the right one for you. I've heard that our largest sexual organ is our brain, and he's frying his.

Sticking with a man because he's a good man but not your type of good man might turn him into a bad man and you a bitter woman over time.

Kinda OT, this deals with a mix of high IQs and daddy-issues... My real dad has a high IQ, which he smoked away. When my mom met hubby the first thing she said was, "he's a vanilla version of your real dad, without the pot." Hmmmm...

TBeBe, I think that you have hit the nail on the head as far as my situation goes. You seem to understand and have made me understand what the real problem is. When I talk to him its like talking to a brick wall he doesn't really have a passion or drive.....and it bugs me to death. Its so crazy because when we go out I have the tendency to be able to attract people and relate to them on some kind of level. He just sits back and watches in amazement, which also tends to get on my nerves because I want my man to compliment me and my outgoing personality. You would think that he would balance me out....but I think people wonder why me and him are together due to the severe contrast. Me and you seem to have alot in common, My father is also gifted, I know his IQ score was through the roof......but he has somewhat smoked his brains away. My Dad is a successful man but I sometimes wonder what he would be if he didn't smoke. I don't want to have to worry about what my man could have been if he didn't smoke.

 

[Hidden_Angel]

TBeBe, I think that you have hit the nail on the head as far as my situation goes. You seem to understand and have made me understand what the real problem is. When I talk to him its like talking to a brick wall he doesn't really have a passion or drive.....and it bugs me to death. Its so crazy because when we go out I have the tendency to be able to attract people and relate to them on some kind of level. He just sits back and watches in amazement, which also tends to get on my nerves because I want my man to compliment me and my outgoing personality. You would think that he would balance me out....but I think people wonder why me and him are together due to the severe contrast. Me and you seem to have alot in common, My father is also gifted, I know his IQ score was through the roof......but he has somewhat smoked his brains away. My Dad is a successful man but I sometimes wonder what he would be if he didn't smoke. I don't want to have to worry about what my man could have been if he didn't smoke.

Well mama' Tebe put it perfectly. in differnet words but ya thats what I'm saying, his a sweetheart and all but like his an idiot at the same time which makes you crave being out and about enjoing yourself explore and LOVEING life instead of SMOKEING UP life.....

 

[LadyPaniolo]

This thread and the responses made me chuckle. My husband was just like your BF, when he was with other women. They told him he was boring, most cheated on him and basically treated him like crap.

Then he met me! Girl, I have been there and done that with the "Exciting Relationship", ya know, "never a dull moment" and all that jazz.

I was so ready for a man who always keeps his word, who goes to work every day, rain or shine, sick or healthy. I was so ready for a man who took his responsibilities seriously and was not afraid to be an adult.

We've been married going on 3 years, with a little girl and a baby on the way. I've never been happier in ALL my life. He worries that I find him boring and I look at him like ! Iz you crazy??? I delight in his stability. He is the perfect husband and father.

If some tries to get at him, you will all see Joyousnerd on the news for cutting a like a deli ham, OK?
J/K not really.

 

[MochaSilk]

TBeBe, I think that you have hit the nail on the head as far as my situation goes. You seem to understand and have made me understand what the real problem is. When I talk to him its like talking to a brick wall he doesn't really have a passion or drive.....and it bugs me to death. Its so crazy because when we go out I have the tendency to be able to attract people and relate to them on some kind of level. He just sits back and watches in amazement, which also tends to get on my nerves because I want my man to compliment me and my outgoing personality. You would think that he would balance me out....but I think people wonder why me and him are together due to the severe contrast. Me and you seem to have alot in common, My father is also gifted, I know his IQ score was through the roof......but he has somewhat smoked his brains away. My Dad is a successful man but I sometimes wonder what he would be if he didn't smoke. I don't want to have to worry about what my man could have been if he didn't smoke.

DANG!! We definitely have alot in common, your man sounds like my first husband. I had gotten tired of the drama and games from other men, and found one the complete opposite, thinking that was the way to go. I didn't pick at him, I just kept leaving him, hoping he'd catch up. He was a good man at heart, but he just didn't do it for me. I wanted him to be like me, he wanted me to simma down. No way in the world that marriage worked. I think I may have damaged him, though. I got a mouth on me when I get riled up.

Me and hubby didn't start out as bf/gf. We were friends who kept running into each other over a period of 10 years. 3 1/2 years ago we ran into each other and haven't been separated since. We STILL stay up all night talking and laughing, and when we're apart, we're blowing up each other's text message and pics box. We work in two different fields, but we are both interested in one another, and our long term goals blend beautifully.

We truly compliment each other. He used to try to be a playa (don't tell him I said that), but he's just too kind-hearted. I was a playa, but got tired of the man-drama and pi$$ing contests. Both of us have used and been used, and kinda found ourselves along the way. He's right there with me when we're being social butterflies, but he's right there with me and just as comfortable at home, too.

You'll find your match, just don't hurt this one for not being the person you want him to be.

 

[JuicesN'Berries]

This thread and the responses made me chuckle. My husband was just like your BF, when he was with other women. They told him he was boring, most cheated on him and basically treated him like crap.

Then he met me! Girl, I have been there and done that with the "Exciting Relationship", ya know, "never a dull moment" and all that jazz.

I was so ready for a man who always keeps his word, who goes to work every day, rain or shine, sick or healthy. I was so ready for a man who took his responsibilities seriously and was not afraid to be an adult.

We've been married going on 3 years, with a little girl and a baby on the way. I've never been happier in ALL my life. He worries that I find him boring and I look at him like ! Iz you crazy??? I delight in his stability. He is the perfect husband and father.

If some tries to get at him, you will all see Joyousnerd on the news for cutting a like a deli ham, OK?
J/K not really.

This is my story too!!! He always talks about how his ex-girlfriends did him so wrong. I am like his first real girlfriend since High School. Although he bores me to death I think I will cut somebody like a deli ham if they try to mess with him. N/K (Not Kidding)

Thanks for the story.

 

[JuicesN'Berries]

DANG!! We definitely have alot in common, your man sounds like my first husband. I had gotten tired of the drama and games from other men, and found one the complete opposite, thinking that was the way to go. I didn't pick at him, I just kept leaving him, hoping he'd catch up. He was a good man at heart, but he just didn't do it for me. I wanted him to be like me, he wanted me to simma down. No way in the world that marriage worked. I think I may have damaged him, though. I got a mouth on me when I get riled up.

Me and hubby didn't start out as bf/gf. We were friends who kept running into each other over a period of 10 years. 3 1/2 years ago we ran into each other and haven't been separated since. We STILL stay up all night talking and laughing, and when we're apart, we're blowing up each other's text message and pics box. We work in two different fields, but we are both interested in one another, and our long term goals blend beautifully.

We truly compliment each other. He used to try to be a playa (don't tell him I said that), but he's just too kind-hearted. I was a playa, but got tired of the man-drama and pi$$ing contests. Both of us have used and been used, and kinda found ourselves along the way. He's right there with me when we're being social butterflies, but he's right there with me and just as comfortable at home, too.

You'll find your match, just don't hurt this one for not being the person you want him to be.

Double Dang!! (That was corny) We have too much in common!! You are so right and I guess I should take it from you since we seem to be so much alike. I need to leave him alone....and not drag him along until I find out what I wanna do.

I need somebody like your new Hubby....someone that is right there with me but does not overshadow me. Someone that I enjoy spending time with because I honestly don't enjoy his company that much. Thanks so much for your story and advice.

 

[Candy1978]

My grandfather, who is a very wise 80 year old man, who has nine children and had been married since the age of 14 ( my grand mother passed when she was 56) once told me this in regards to relationships. If he's ugly to you now, he ain't gonna get no cuter as time passes by, so if you don't like it know you ain't gonna like it later....I think those words of wisdom can be applied to anything that you don't like about your present relationship.

 

[MochaSilk]

My grandfather, who is a very wise 80 year old man, who has nine children and had been married since the age of 14 ( my grand mother passed when she was 56) once told me this in regards to relationships. If he's ugly to you now, he ain't gonna get no cuter as time passes by, so if you don't like it know you ain't gonna like it later....I think those words of wisdom can be applied to anything that you don't like about your present relationship.

Your grandfather's awesome. Wow, that wisdom....

 

[MochaSilk]

Double Dang!! (That was corny) We have too much in common!! You are so right and I guess I should take it from you since we seem to be so much alike. I need to leave him alone....and not drag him along until I find out what I wanna do.

I need somebody like your new Hubby....someone that is right there with me but does not overshadow me. Someone that I enjoy spending time with because I honestly don't enjoy his company that much. Thanks so much for your story and advice.

You're so welcome, JB!!! Glad I was able to help!

OH! Have a wonderful time on the islands!! **mumbling, trying not to be jelly cuz you're going to Jamaica soon. It's been TOO long since I've been on the islands.**

 

[JuicesN'Berries]

Update: Ok so we talked and have decided that we want to try to work this out......Especially me, after reading all these responses that I got from this thread. I don't want to lose him...he is special, and I guess I have been taken him for granted. What's really funny is that I think he got a hold of this thread.......in the words of my parents "he's starting to smell his self"! So its time for me to straighten up and act right.

He told me that he will do what he needs to in order to be more "lively" but I must remember that he can only be himself. I will be going to visit him and his family on friday. I feel like this visit will be a determining factor in our relationship. Seeing each other will give us the time to "really" talk and work things out.

My next issue is my lease......I didn't renew my contract, and he wants us to get an apartment. I will have to make a descision quickly, being that I have to find a place before August. He is pretty adamant about us moving in together......for some strange reason he has trust issues with me and I think he wants us to live together so he can keep an eye on me. I don't know what to do about this situation......but I feel like he is giving me an ultimatum (sp). I think he feels that if we don't move in together then I'm not really serious about us. I don't know.......rent would be alot cheaper...I pay $650 for my one bedroom, as an undergrad I know I need to save money wherever I can......And I don't want roommates.....the only females I like are you guys.....Decisions Decisions......