We are at the Crossroads (Me and My Man)

[LocksOfLuV]

i understand it's easier said than done, but most things in life are that way erplexed

basically, you can't have your cake & eat it too JNB, that's unfair to both of y'all

you're gonna drive him away with these games you are playing: breaking up with him, complaining about how boring he is, the comparisons etc...

it's obvious you don't know what you want & you're stringing him along while you decide, plus you're blaming your indecisiveness on his being "boring" to take the pressure off of you

if you care for him like you say, don't do that

be real with yourself & decide what you really want, if you decide it's your relationship you have to give it 100% & cut out all the bullsh!t

sorry if i'm debbie downer in this piece but i've been there done this & got ALL of the parting giftsi can tell you exactly where this is headed & it AIN'T fun-land...

I can appreciate this too. I really agree!

 

[Summer_Rain]

Um hmm Cuz he shole is sessy. If you let him go and I was single I would sop him up with a biscuit! :eyebrows2

But I agree with Summer overall ( I am really riding her jock today but she is really on point).

lmao!! girl...I've been peepin her BF since she put him in her siggy! I'm WAITING for her & RIG to mess up...I need me a lil tenderoni! I'll fix 'em up real good for u JB and send him back all types of saucy!

 

[JuicesN'Berries]

Hmmm.... ok... maybe I should PM you so if this gets a bit too deep, I apologize....

Where's your father? Did you grow up with him? Was he in your life? is he in your life now? Is he still on the planet (alive) or is/was there an estrangement?

One consistent thing I see among us women is that even from an early age (and I mean EARLY!), we respond to attention from men. Hopefully the attention is healthy, but many times it is unhealthy and it triggers a series of unhealthy thoughts and behaviors that don't get figured out until well into adulthood when the relationship we're sincerely invested in to last comes along.

I suppose I notice this because I am one of the few out of one of my circle of sistergirlfriends whose dad was and still is present in my life. I didn't go through half the stuff they did, a lot of which was provoked out of wanting to fill the void of the healthy male/father figure....

A good man is a good man and dude sounds like a really good man.

You don't have to PM me, although I appreciate the consideration. I'm sure there are plenty of girls on here that need to hear your advice as well. But to answer your question my dad has always been in my life....He is actually one of the best dads in the world!!! My parents got divorced when I was 13 and me, my mom and two sisters moved 10 hours aways. Well there has not been a day since the day we moved that I have not spoken to him. My sisters and I frequently vistited him...So as far as him not being in my life...it was the complete opposite....he actually is the most influential person in my life.

But It is extremely funny that you say that because I too struggle with why I have so many issues with men. And I always say to myself...whats wrong with me..... my daddy was more than there for me. Me and my Father have had long talks about me and my relationships and he has come to the conclusion that I have self esteem issues...although I feel I don't. I really don't know what it is....

 

[winterinatl]

I see you answered my question.

Let's turn this thread around for a lil bit, and talk about YOU!! lol

James isn't bringing you any drama, you aren't worrying about him all up in the next chicks face, he respects and loves you and in the same breath you done compared him to your drama producing ex who we'll assume was always caught up in some mess, had you stressed out, hair falling out, etc...

you know how that sounds right? Maybe the "problem" isn't really James per se.......

of course i say all of that with hugs & kisses

This was what I was getting at. You don't want that drama back!! Boring is good!!

 

[PaperDoll]

Um hmm Cuz he shole is sessy. If you let him go and I was single I would sop him up with a biscuit! :eyebrows2

you see this JNB? (sorry L.O.L, gotta use you & summer as examples ) there will always be someone waiting in the wings to snatch up what you're playing around with...he hasn't realized that yet but once he does & it's a chick that thinks he can do NO wrong, realizes he's a good man & APPRECIATES it (cuz, really, you don't)...it's a wrap for you

you need to stop playing right now

 

[JuicesN'Berries]

Um hmm Cuz he shole is sessy. If you let him go and I was single I would sop him up with a biscuit! :eyebrows2

But I agree with Summer overall ( I am really riding her jock today but she is really on point).

lmao!! girl...I've been peepin her BF since she put him in her siggy! I'm WAITING for her & RIG to mess up...I need me a lil tenderoni! I'll fix 'em up real good for u JB and send him back all types of saucy!

Hey Hey now SummerRain and Locs of Luv......Get off my man.....I ain't let him go yet..........As far as ya'll are concerned you ain't never seen this thread and we are Married!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[DeepBluSea]

ITA with the advice you have been given. He maybe a good man but not the right man for you. In that case let him go and please don't hurt him.

 

[Summer_Rain]

You don't have to PM me, although I appreciate the consideration. I'm sure there are plenty of girls on here that need to hear your advice as well. But to answer your question my dad has always been in my life....He is actually one of the best dads in the world!!! My parents got divorced when I was 13 and me, my mom and two sisters moved 10 hours aways. Well there has not been a day since the day we moved that I have not spoken to him. My sisters and I frequently vistited him...So as far as him not being in my life...it was the complete opposite....he actually is the most influential person in my life.

But It is extremely funny that you say that because I too struggle with why I have so many issues with men. And I always say to myself...whats wrong with me..... my daddy was more than there for me. Me and my Father have had long talks about me and my relationships and he has come to the conclusion that I have self esteem issues...although I feel I don't. I really don't know what it is....

What I've found in my own experience is that dysfunction and "daddy" issues don't always have to come as result of a bad or negative relationship with daddy. It's often just the physical presence of a good daddy that damages so many of us in our formative years.

Good daddys who are in the home know how and when to curb a lot of the BS that teenage girls deal with while dating. Take two different women, one who grow up with a good daddy in the home and another who grew up with a good daddy, but he wasn't there now take a good guy and watch how he interacts with both women. While he may never be blatantly disrescptful or come sideways - the way he interacts with them will definitely be different. When a man knows that there is another man in the home who he will hold him accountable he acts differently.

Um yeah.....so I'm not really trying to force you to have 'daddy' issues - but I'm willing to bet that there are some there.

 

[JuicesN'Berries]

you see this JNB? (sorry L.O.L, gotta use you & summer as examples ) there will always be someone waiting in the wings to snatch up what you're playing around with...he hasn't realized that yet but once he does & it's a chick that thinks he can do NO wrong, realizes he's a good man & APPRECIATES it (cuz, really, you don't)...it's a wrap for you

you need to stop playing right now

Yeah I know......but believe me that boy knows the girls are on him. He always says "You wanna treat me like Sh*t, I'm trying to be with you, I can have all these H*es out here!!!"


Ok Ok I need to straighten up my act....but he really does need to liven up!!!!

 

[Summer_Rain]

Hey Hey now SummerRain and Locs of Luv......Get off my man.....I ain't let him go yet..........As far as ya'll are concerned you ain't never seen this thread and we are Married!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

mmmhmmm. Let him come to me all stressed out and in a time of need - imma reach out to him alright!! Mama has a nice soft ample bosom for him to lay his head on...and suckle as he sees fit! That baby needs to be nursed back to health!

You know what they say girl, what you don't do for your man....another woman.....

 

[Summer_Rain]

Yeah I know......but believe me that boy knows the girls are on him. He always says "You wanna treat me like Sh*t, I'm trying to be with you, I can have all these H*es out here!!!"


Ok Ok I need to straighten up my act....but he really does need to liven up!!!!

Well, the point could be made that maybe YOU need to settle down!!

 

[lnana04]

This thread is really good, and like JuicesN'Berries said, there are some that need to hear it.

 

[JuicesN'Berries]

What I've found in my own experience is that dysfunction and "daddy" issues don't always have to come as result of a bad or negative relationship with daddy. It's often just the physical presence of a good daddy that damages so many of us in our formative years.

Good daddys who are in the home know how and when to curb a lot of the BS that teenage girls deal with while dating. Take two different women, one who grow up with a good daddy in the home and another who grew up with a good daddy, but he wasn't there now take a good guy and watch how he interacts with both women. While he may never be blatantly disrescptful or come sideways - the way he interacts with them will definitely be different. When a man knows that there is another man in the home who he will hold him accountable he acts differently.

No I understand what you are saying....It is really the interaction between my father and a woman (my mother) that I'm missing. And even though my dad was a good dad he still was a player!! Thank God he is getting married in Jamaica in two weeks YaYYYYYYYYY I'm going to Jamaica (sorry had to brag). Damn I'm glad I got this out before the trip, you guys are really helping me....even if you are trying to take my vulnerable man!!!

 

[winterinatl]

JnB it really sounds like the two of you are on a totally different maturity level, and I honeslty don't see you changing that in yourself overnight. He will get frustrated trying to change you; you will grow to resent it.

I hate to say it (I TRULY TRULY hate to say it) but I really think you just need to get some more hard knocks, on your own. Sometimes the best lessons learned are those learned the hard way...they can be the most painful. Maybe breaking up with him and getting a less boring (read: jerk) of a man will remind you vividly of what you had.

I just don't think you are ready for this guy, and you comments in the thread to me show you don't have what is needed at THIS TIME to make it work with this guy. Perhaps you can do it in time before you ruin the relationship completley, but I don't know how. You attitude towards men and relationships must change on a very DEEP level.

 

[Summer_Rain]

No I understand what you are saying....It is really the interaction between my father and a woman (my mother) that I'm missing. And even though my dad was a good dad he still was a player!! Thank God he is getting married in Jamaica in two weeks YaYYYYYYYYY I'm going to Jamaica (sorry had to brag). Damn I'm glad I got this out before the trip, you guys are really helping me....even if you are trying to take my vulnerable man!!!

It's your fault for leaving that man vulnerable like that anyway!

But back to Daddy. We have a way of loving our parents, especially fathers&daughters then mothers&sons in such a way that we 'forget' that they are still men & women. You love daddy dearly as you should - he's the most influential man in your life as you said....but he's also a playa. The most influential man in your life is a (reformed, congrats on the nuptials) playa...so no wonder you found your ex so exciting and your current guy to be a bore!!

Send James my way, I'll pay for the ticket

 

[Summer_Rain]

JnB it really sounds like the two of you are on a totally different maturity level, and I honeslty don't see you changing that in yourself overnight. He will get frustrated trying to change you; you will grow to resent it.

I hate to say it (I TRULY TRULY hate to say it) but I really think you just need to get some more hard knocks, on your own. Sometimes the best lessons learned are those learned the hard way...they can be the most painful. Maybe breaking up with him and getting a less boring (read: jerk) of a man will remind you vividly of what you had.

I just don't think you are ready for this guy, and you comments in the thread to me show you don't have what is needed at THIS TIME to make it work with this guy. Perhaps you can do it in time before you ruin the relationship completley, but I don't know how. You attitude towards men and relationships must change on a very DEEP level.

mmmhmmm i agree with Winter...and in the meantime - send baby this way and I promise he'll come back more exciting than when he left!!

 

[VeeJai]

I agree with the ladies here. Perhaps the problem isn't James but its you. You expect him to act like your ex, but with that excitement came the pain and drama. Stable means just that, strong and sturdy. James is stable. Savor it and enjoy it and know that you deserve it. After all that mess with your ex anything would seem boring. But on the real, you should probably stop telling him that he's boring. It hurts his pride and his ego. If he loves you flaws and all, why can't you return the favor?

 

[JuicesN'Berries]

JnB it really sounds like the two of you are on a totally different maturity level, and I honeslty don't see you changing that in yourself overnight. He will get frustrated trying to change you; you will grow to resent it.

I hate to say it (I TRULY TRULY hate to say it) but I really think you just need to get some more hard knocks, on your own. Sometimes the best lessons learned are those learned the hard way...they can be the most painful. Maybe breaking up with him and getting a less boring (read: jerk) of a man will remind you vividly of what you had.

I just don't think you are ready for this guy, and you comments in the thread to me show you don't have what is needed at THIS TIME to make it work with this guy. Perhaps you can do it in time before you ruin the relationship completley, but I don't know how. You attitude towards men and relationships must change on a very DEEP level.

I understand what you are saying....but honestly I don't think that I'm the only one at fault because....He sincerely is boring not to mention some other things.....and thats not a cover up for something else that is wrong with the relationship. I understand that I have issues.....but believe me he does too. And this is not to play tit for tat...but you can only explain so much on the internet without getting too too personal.

Thanks for the advice.


Oh and SummerRain, I hardly ever go out myself....unless it is with him. He knows that....but somehow He makes it seem like I go out all the time....and by all the time I mean once a month. My friends stay looking for me ever since I have been with him.......... so I don't think that I need to settle down at all. And I DO NOT CHEAT ON HIM. Regardless of how bored I am!

 

[JuicesN'Berries]

mmmhmmm i agree with Winter...and in the meantime - send baby this way and I promise he'll come back more exciting than when he left!!

ok thats enough

 

[JuicesN'Berries]

I agree with the ladies here. Perhaps the problem isn't James but its you. You expect him to act like your ex, but with that excitement came the pain and drama. Stable means just that, strong and sturdy. James is stable. Savor it and enjoy it and know that you deserve it. After all that mess with your ex anything would seem boring. But on the real, you should probably stop telling him that he's boring. It hurts his pride and his ego. If he loves you flaws and all, why can't you return the favor?

This is very very very true....Thanks for the advice.

 

[Summer_Rain]

I understand what you are saying....but honestly I don't think that I'm the only one at fault because....He sincerely is boring not to mention some other things.....and thats not a cover up for something else that is wrong with the relationship. I understand that I have issues.....but believe me he does too. And this is not to play tit for tat...but you can only explain so much on the internet without getting too too personal.

Thanks for the advice.


Oh and SummerRain, I hardly ever go out myself....unless it is with him. He knows that....but somehow He makes it seem like I go out all the time....and by all the time I mean once a month. My friends stay looking for me ever since I have been with him.......... so I don't think that I need to settle down at all. And I DO NOT CHEAT ON HIM. Regardless of how bored I am!

I feel you. By settle down I meant in the way you treat him, specifically in the comparisons between him and drama man.

But regardless of all else that we've said here - the one thing that really sticks out to me is the fact that this guy brings out the best in you...thats a hard quality to find, especially in a man his age. So I'm pulling for ya'll

 

[winterinatl]

Still, my major point here is that you shouldn't accept something that you don't really like.

If the man is just too mundane for you (in any manner of fashion) he just is; there's no changing him or you. No matter if he is what everyone else considers to be a keeper or not. There is no reason for you to be sitting at home unsatisfied. Men don't do it, I damn sure won't!!

That's the lesson I have been working on all year, lol.

ETA: I have been agreeing with Summer's posts too . Libras think alike

 

[lnana04]

Still, my major point here is that you shouldn't accept something that you don't really like.

If the man is just too mundane for you (in any manner of fashion) he just is; there's no changing him or you. No matter if he is what everyone else considers to be a keeper or not. There is no reason for you to be sitting at home unsatisfied. Men don't do it, I damn sure won't!!

That's the lesson I have been working on all year, lol.

ETA: I have been agreeing with Summer's posts too . Libras think alike

That is very true!

 

[Summer_Rain]

Still, my major point here is that you shouldn't accept something that you don't really like.

If the man is just too mundane for you (in any manner of fashion) he just is; there's no changing him or you. No matter if he is what everyone else considers to be a keeper or not. There is no reason for you to be sitting at home unsatisfied. Men don't do it, I damn sure won't!!

That's the lesson I have been working on all year, lol.

ETA: I have been agreeing with Summer's posts too . Libras think alike

But JB has told us that she isn't necessarily dissatisfied - she just want him to bring the drama like the ex!! lol

 

[VeeJai]

np Niya I wish you the best of luck

 

[JuicesN'Berries]

Thank You for Pulling for us SummerRain i know you plotting on me, but you can't have him. Well I guess I need to hurry up and figure it out. He wants us to move in together in August......Decisions Decisions!!



BTW, That is my Daddy, me and my two sisters in my siggy!

 

[Summer_Rain]

Thank You for Pulling for us SummerRain i know you plotting on me, but you can't have him. Well I guess I need to hurry up and figure it out. He wants us to move in together in August......Decisions Decisions!!



BTW, That is my Daddy, me and my two sisters in my siggy!

mmhmm... I see you talkin to me! lol

Move in together? wow....you've got alotta thinkin to do missy!

 

[JuicesN'Berries]

np Niya I wish you the best of luck

Thank You VeeJai, I'm gonna need it!!! Because According to everyone here I am undeserving, unappreciative, immature, instigating poor excuse for a girlfriend (Not quite in those words). But its ok because he loves it. I just gotta learn how to love him for who he is.....starting now. Thanks again.

 

[JuicesN'Berries]

mmhmm... I see you talkin to me! lol

Move in together? wow....you've got alotta thinkin to do missy!

Yeah I'm talking to you!!!!! But seriously though, for someone who is treated so badly he sure is adamant about us getting a place together. I have some serious doubts. All though we have already did that for 5 months and it was not that bad.


SummerRain, you can have my Daddy if you want....He got money!!...Better Hurry up before June 30th!!

 

[Minx]

Where is Kinikakes?
Isn't she a psychologist/therapist?
I would be interested in her doing an online clinical assesment of you

I am curious as to your way of thinking and/or your motives for being
"on-again-off-again" with James other than him being "boring".

Do you feel any remorse for treating him that way, like he is at your disposal?
Are you ever curious as to how he feels about you comparing him to others or putting him down by calling him boring?
Do you believe that it is alright to demean or belittle someone who is simply being themselves?
Do you have any empathy for him at all?

I would really like to know the answers to those questions.
Depending on your answers, I'm thinking, hmmmm, narcissistic personality disorder?

But, you can't go by me.
I am not qualified to make those assessments.
I'm only a psych student in my senior year; that's why am calling on Kinikakes!

You seem to be a smart lady in that you can identify that something is "wrong" with your attitude towards this man.
I applaud you for coming to that conclusion on your own.

This is a man that you say loves you and treats you well.
Therefore the issue may not be James, per se.

James appears to be, based on your description, a decent, stand up guy, very grounded, and very mature for twenty-two.
Perhaps, that is your definition of "boring"?

Is there something, somewhere within you that rejects those qualities in a man?
Are you rejecting him because on some level you do not feel you deserve to be treated well?

Are you simplying longing for your ex and just using James to past the time, and therefore not really in love with him at all?
Maybe James is just a "safe" alternative for you.

You're comfortable with him right now because he's familiar and he's sure to be around, which is why you can cut him loose weekly, but then you go running to snatch him up again...even though you're not all that happy?

This situation seems to be more about you and how you perceive and receive James, rather than James himself.

I am in no way throwing stones, just trying to dig deeper.
Perhaps some serious soul searching/inner work may be in order.

With the love of Christ,
dk