Marriage and money

[LongiLox]

Bunny,

You are right. A date has been set for the official wedding but, at this point I'm kind of ready to give up.

I have already been approved for an apartment and am looking to move in the near future because, of being fed up. I'm just disappointed.

Plus he's a foreigner so that's the other part of the equation that makes this relationship so difficult. Surely, I'm no fool but I do love him. I don't mean to sound like this but, if this love is so genuine what was the rush in the first place.
Plus he needs the citizenship I don't.

I need to do some serious praying because, I know when I do go it won't be pretty when I go.

I really don't want to influence you with my own personal opinion, but from what you've said so far, it sounds like you really need to get out and not look back.

 

[Nella]

Why are you choosing to marry this man? This is a choice. Is it because he asked? If so, that's not good enough.

In the beginning it wasn't like this it all changed after I moved in five months ago. I dont know what happened but, it surely isn't what I signed up for.

 

[Nella]

Someone mentioned to do a background check - how do you have one done on a foreigner? I don't know if its that extreme but, since it was mentioned what harm would it be.

 

[awhyley]

Depending on the country, it may be very easy or very difficult to gain access to certain information; but you will want to know the following;

- Whether he's been married before (you seem relatively young, but I don't know about your soon to be spouse)

- Whether he has children back home, YOU NEED TO KNOW THIS!!!

- His relationship with his family, have you met them before?

- Whether he has a criminal record, which I doubt since he's over there, but ya never know

- Etc.

(Where he from?)

 

[Nella]

Depending on the country, it may be very easy or very difficult to gain access to certain information; but you will want to know the following;

- Whether he's been married before (you seem relatively young, but I don't know about your soon to be spouse)

- Whether he has children back home, YOU NEED TO KNOW THIS!!!

- His relationship with his family, have you met them before?

- Whether he has a criminal record, which I doubt since he's over there, but ya never know

- Etc.

(Where he from?)

He's from Zimbabwe. I'll be checking the web to see but, I hadn't considered this before. More so because, I thought our feelings were mutual.

 

[p31woman]

Nella I agree with all of the ladies. Nothing new to add except I hope things get better for you! (((HUGS)))

 

[UmSumayyah]

Bunny,

You are right. A date has been set for the official wedding but, at this point I'm kind of ready to give up.

I have already been approved for an apartment and am looking to move in the near future because, of being fed up. I'm just disappointed.

Plus he's a foreigner so that's the other part of the equation that makes this relationship so difficult. Surely, I'm no fool but I do love him. I don't mean to sound like this but, if this love is so genuine what was the rush in the first place.
Plus he needs the citizenship I don't.

I need to do some serious praying because, I know when I do go it won't be pretty when I go.

Those who know me know I don't curse but...



at the bolded....


HELLZ to the F'ING NAW!
Don't marry this fool!

Pack your stuff and get to stepping while you still have some dignity and sense of self.

 

[UmSumayyah]

So he's in a hurry to get married so he can get his citizenship?

Does he consider marriage the joining of 2 people who love and commit to each other or a permanent roommate situation?

He considers it allowing her to be grateful to save some money until he gets his papers and rolls out.

 

[FlowerHair]

I would have to agree with UmSumayyah...
Plus, if he NEEDS a citizenship and still treats you this way...
I wish you all the best! :Rose:

 

[UmSumayyah]

i'm not married, but two red flags instantly popped into my head reading this thread:

-he is in a rush to get his citizenship (this doesn't sound like a good situation. what does he see the purpose of the marriage as, to get his papers, or to strengthen the union between you two. does "til death do you part" cross his mind? if i were you i would do a background check to make sure he doesn't have another situation in the country he came from)

-he spends more on his sister than you? naw, this is another red flag to me. is his sister in some sort of desperate situation or something? i think his priorities are definitely switched here.

i think you need to think long and hard and to pray over this decision. it sounds like your man has a lot of baggage that isn't going away if you decide to wed.

Not to get all suspicious, but sometimes the "sister" in these situations is really a "wife."

 

[FlowerHair]

Not to get all suspicious, but sometimes the "sister" in these situations is really a "wife."

That's exactly what I was going to ask! Is his sister REALLY his sister?!

 

[UmSumayyah]

In the beginning it wasn't like this it all changed after I moved in five months ago. I dont know what happened but, it surely isn't what I signed up for.

What happened is his mask is slipping because he figures you are a sure bet now.

 

[drasgrl]

Not to get all suspicious, but sometimes the "sister" in these situations is really a "wife."

Oh SNAP!

 

[naturalmanenyc]

It's not the same situation but I do know of a man who married his longtime GF's sister in order to get the sister citizenship. Well, the sister/wife ended up treating him so much better than his GF that he stayed with her and they are still living as a married couple. He brought his wife to our wedding.

Talk about a citizenship scam going wrong

Not to get all suspicious, but sometimes the "sister" in these situations is really a "wife."

 

[beebstt]

well zimbabwe is a hard situation. i doubt you can get anybody official to do a background check given that mugabe is not allowing any anything to function. maybe be discreet about the way you go about this. try to get in touch with someone who knows about his situation and is not necessarily loyal to him. and ask them questions and tell them to connect you to this "sister" of his.make sure he doesn't find out.

i know plenty of folks who have other wives in their home country and deceive women in this country to "marry" them. i would be very very careful if i were you. i also know of other "marriages" where the guy was straight forward and simply offered to pay the woman $10,000- $25,000+ to "marry" him with no misconceptions of it being a love marriage. do your research girl, and make the decision that is best for you and your future.

 

[treybaby2005]

He's from Zimbabwe. I'll be checking the web to see but, I hadn't considered this before. More so because, I thought our feelings were mutual.

When you said Zimbabwe,I threw up in my mouth a little.My girlfriend got married to this african fool to get his citizenship and he cheated less than six months of the marriage.
Not saying your df is like him,but those red flags were there with my gf and she ignored them just to be married.And he was married in his country with a wife that he supossedly divorced after he got here.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

I don't know of anyone personally, but a former friend says that her sister was paid $10,000 to marry some guy about 10 years ago. That was prior to 9/11 so I am no so sure how easy it is to get citizenship for someone just via marriage.

A coworker married recently (she was born outside the US) and it took him nearly 1 year to get his wife to the US. And this was a legit married where they knew each other for years and loved each other.

i know plenty of folks who have other wives in their home country and deceive women in this country to "marry" them. i would be very very careful if i were you. i also know of other "marriages" where the guy was straight forward and simply offered to pay the woman $10,000- $25,000+ to "marry" him with no misconceptions of it being a love marriage. do your research girl, and make the decision that is best for you and your future.

 

[fattyfatfat]

I agree with the other posters. The title of this thread says "marriage and money" but you mentioned him needing citizenship. It seems like marriage and money isnt even the issue. You need to leave him ASAP and let him find someone else to help him with his citizenship.

did he offer you any money by the way?

 

[jamaicalovely]

Wow, sounds like it's time to pack up girlfriend.

That "sister" does sound suspicious.

This doesn't sound good at all.

 

[Ms_Delikate]

Hate to be harsh but I feel you need to reconsider if this is the type of guy you want as a husband. Also maybe re think your living arrangements. Your car is broken down and he did even look at it for you or at least offer to have it towed to a mechanic. Does not sound like husband material to me He refuses to help with housework and he lives there uh no. It looks like you have more to worry about than merging finances.

This is an excellent response. Be very, very careful with the man that you decide to marry. If your man doesn't care enough to look after your car and help in the house before you are even married wait until he really gets "settled"

 

[AceH]

OMG, the ladies have offered you so much good advice. After reading through the OPs post, that song by Ludacris comes to mind... "Rollout Rollout" (okay, so I had a cocktail)

Anyways, I read that OP is already approved for another apartment. Well, sounds like you KNOW what you want to do - heck, you already have one foot out of the door. Sounds like you really love this guy, yet I'm sure you love yourself more I wish DH would just let my car sit somewhere and me be without transportation. :210:

I will leave it at this is your life, and you know your situation/history better than any of us. I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do

 

[DSP]

This man is not husband material AND he may have an ulterior motive. No man who is in a rush to marry for love will treat you like an inconvenience with a vagina.

Do you really need a background check to know he isn't acting right? Marriage will not cure his attitude, plus you'll be legally and financially tied to him. There's a reason you're worried about merging your money. Listen to that inner voice.

You deserve a man who behaves honorably and will cherish you, Nella. Please don't rush into anything more with this guy.

[I'm trying really hard to be diplomatic here. In my head I'm yelling "Run Nella! RUUUUUUN!" erplexed]

 

[firecracker]

Sweetie move into that apartment and don't marry that boy. He isn't really that into you and only wants those citizenship papers. Don't feel bad. Be glad he showed you who he really is before you really make a big mistake. You have no reason to try to check his background he already showed you who he is. Experiences good and bad are what allows us growth and become self loving independent women.

Oh after you move out tell that fool go find someone to sell him citizenship.

 

[UmSumayyah]

Oh yeah, and move out when he is not in the apartment, especially if you think he is going to give you trouble.

 

[Casarela]

Hi hun ,


heres a biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig HUG


But lets talk some serious businnes now, I dont know your whole situation however from what youve posted so far and especially what i quoted is not right . DONT MAKE EXCUSES FOR HIM!!! Why? The man sounds careless how much does it cost to care??? Nada. And you think this guy will change for the best when he will have more money....mmm I doubt. As bad as it may sound but youre better off alone than being with someone whos careless. Please lets not forget that YOU CANT CHANGE A MAN!! Whats in it for you????

Bunny , thanks so much for your response. I guess I got ahead of myself when I said gold digger. I don't ask for money but, was just shocked that when my car broke down he did nothing to help. Instead he put tires on a truck that didn't need them. New brakes on his car that he didn't need and got his backup sensors fixed at the dealership so that he would have a reason not to help me. I was baffled.

I think that kind of really got to me. I have a headlight that needs to be changed. I bought the light but he doesn't have the time to change it.

I know right now I'm in a bad situation and I'm ashamed of it. If I stay I know I shouldn't expect much. I don't know if anything is going to change. He says once we have our budget for purchasing a house together and trips and such being done things would be better because money is most important.

I pay 35% of the rent. The groceries and part of the electricity.Maybe he feels like he is doing too much. Hell those groceries aren't cheap either.

I still don't see him as a provider. I guess that's the problem.

 

[NessaNessa]

Please reconsider merging your money/life with this man.

First of all, he need citizenship. Secondly, he knows he need citizenship and still treats you unfavorably. Dont do it. Go with your gut!!!!

 

[LongiLox]

If you do decide to leave and know he's going to get violent when you try to leave, you might want start plotting your escape now and don't let him know what your intentions are. You might want to move your things out of the house when he's not there, or have a couple of big strong men that you know and trust go with you. And don't let him know where your new apartment is. Be careful and stay safe!

 

[Nella]

Ladies,

Thanks so much for all of your advice as I know my gut feeling has to be telling me the truth. I can see it's a train wreck waiting to happen so I'm going to walk out on faith and trust in God as he is the provider and will make certain that no harm comes to me.

I posted my situation here because, it was bothering me. I appreciate your support and your contributions to this thread.


Thanks,

Nella

 

[Zaynab]

First, I co-sign everything that everyone has said already.

Second, why would the term "gold digger" even cross your mind in this situation?


Finally... what is he bringing to the relationship? If the division of labor has you doing the household chores, then he should be providing in other ways... how is he showing you that he is capable of being a husband, which in turn, means that he is supposed to be a provider?

ITA. That is what I was thinking. Some men have dropped the bar so low, hey are making women feel like doing the bare minimums is even too much. No man, would have let his gf or wife's car sit for a few days.

 

[Zaynab]

Yes, I can see why you feel the way you do... this is a tough one because I know you want to make it work but as long as the status quo remains, there will be problems.

I brought up the "gold digger" thing only because I find that we (black women) are so afraid of being considered that term that we don't get the things that a provider/husband SHOULD be gladly giving to us... if your car was broken and your husband was in that provider role, you'd have every right to ask for money/assistance... Black women can't win for losing, it seems... just wanting basic things suddenly makes us "gold diggers."

(sorry, that's my own personal rant... let me get back on topic! )

I guess the question is, what is you two's plan for the future? Is marriage set or is it going to happen just "someday?" The reason I ask is because I can see this living together situation dragging out for as long as he wants it because he's getting over quite well right now. Sure, he's paying more rent than you, but he was paying 100% before, buying groceries and paying bills and doing everything to keep up the house... now he's only paying 65%, not buying groceries and only 1/2 the electricity PLUS he gets a live-in maid/housekeeper/etc., to boot! It's really a great deal for him!

People can go a long time saying that they're saving up for a house and then they'll get married yet, but has he started actually doing this or is this all talk?

You don't have to answer these questions to me or us on the board, but all of these things, plus the car situation, are definitely things to be considered as you try to figure out what your next move should be. If you decide to remain in this relationship, can you at least move out of his place?

I think the worst possible thing for you is to get caught in the wifey role while he still acts like Mr. Bachelor, and it seems like living together has created this dynamic!

Ahh...Thanks.