Marriage and money

[Nella]

Is money the most important part of your marriage? I feel like respect, communication and being loved is what comes first.

I'm young and will be married soon and right now I feel a little uncomfortable merging my money with his. We've had a few problems and its regarding the relationship.

Since we moved in things have been different such as chores, cooking, and etc.

I don't like cooking everyday and asked him to help. He doesn't want to. I clean and he doesn't want to split the chores in half. I don't if maybe I'm just not ready to be a wife.

My car broke down and sat at my moms for a few days and he didn't offer to help or go look at it so this is partly why I just don't feel like the relationship is going to work.

Am I wrong for feeling this way. I'm not stingy but, right now I just don't feel comfortable buying or putting my money with his because, I don't know if its going to work.

 

[spelmanlocks]

These can become major issues in marriage. Everything you listed here my husband and I discussed in our pre-marital counseling and I would really suggest you all get counseling first. I didn't feel comfortable merging my money with my husband either, but in pre-marital counseling we sat down and made a budget and talked about finances a lot, so now I feel really comfortable with our money being together. They also talked about how you should not ignore red flags with a person, so make sure you clear up any misunderstandings before you walk down the aisle.

 

[lexi08]

Hate to be harsh but I feel you need to reconsider if this is the type of guy you want as a husband. Also maybe re think your living arrangements. Your car is broken down and he did even look at it for you or at least offer to have it towed to a mechanic. Does not sound like husband material to me He refuses to help with housework and he lives there uh no. It looks like you have more to worry about than merging finances.

 

[Ms Red]

It sounds like you are listening to your gut instinct (God-given intuition), which is a very good thing. You are young, but not naive. If I were in your situation, I would not enter into marriage with these types of red flags. Maybe counseling could help or as you said in your post, maybe this is not the relationship for you (let alone marriage). Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

 

[drasgrl]

Is money the most important part of your marriage? I feel like respect, communication and being loved is what comes first.

I'm young and will be married soon and right now I feel a little uncomfortable merging my money with his. We've had a few problems and its regarding the relationship.

Since we moved in things have been different such as chores, cooking, and etc.

I don't like cooking everyday and asked him to help. He doesn't want to. I clean and he doesn't want to split the chores in half. I don't if maybe I'm just not ready to be a wife.

My car broke down and sat at my moms for a few days and he didn't offer to help or go look at it so this is partly why I just don't feel like the relationship is going to work.

Am I wrong for feeling this way. I'm not stingy but, right now I just don't feel comfortable buying or putting my money with his because, I don't know if its going to work.

I just heard a statistic yesterday that 40% of divorce is caused by money. Not to say that your relationship is doomed but just be aware it can be a huge part. You definitely need to talk about how the money thing is going to work beforehand. Do you need to combine all your money? I'd still keep all my accounts separate, he can have his account and then we'd have a joint account. What are his ideas?

The bolded is by bf exactly. I got sick of cooking every day yeah he takes me out to eat sometimes but he cannot cook and I swear he will learn if it's the last thing he does. He helps me clean sometimes but I have to really get on him about it. It usually happens when I'm at the point of anger and practically yelling that he will finally help me.

I'm not living with him now but when I go back I already made it clear that there will be changes and I'm not doing the majority of things around the house anymore.

We can't tell you what to do in your relationship. Talk to him and tell him what your expectations are. If he's not willing to make some changes then you really need to ask yourself are you willing to continue with the way things are and put up with his behavior for the rest of your life?

It's good you are questioning now. I'd rather see you break an engagement (if need be) than to get swept up and get into a situation where you are not 100% sure.

 

[NYAmicas]

Is money the most important part of your marriage? I feel like respect, communication and being loved is what comes first.

I'm young and will be married soon and right now I feel a little uncomfortable merging my money with his. We've had a few problems and its regarding the relationship.

Since we moved in things have been different such as chores, cooking, and etc.

I don't like cooking everyday and asked him to help. He doesn't want to. I clean and he doesn't want to split the chores in half. I don't if maybe I'm just not ready to be a wife.

My car broke down and sat at my moms for a few days and he didn't offer to help or go look at it so this is partly why I just don't feel like the relationship is going to work.

Am I wrong for feeling this way. I'm not stingy but, right now I just don't feel comfortable buying or putting my money with his because, I don't know if its going to work.

*Hugs* The better question is if he's ready to be a husband.
Money is something that needs to be discussed before you tie the knot. While it's superficial compared to communication and respect, it's an important aspect of life period.
Honestly, I'd be looking at some other aspects of the relationship and asking a few personal questions. Your car breaking down is a big for me. Since I dont know the whole story Im just going to say that it's pretty odd that your fiance didnt step in and offer a ride or anything when your car broke down. Not helping with the cooking, chores... It doesn't seem like the problem is you Nella.

 

[Nella]

Ladies, I really appreciate your input. I had sat down with him and discussed my feelings and the way I feel I should be treated and he said that money is most important and all of the other stuff is small.

I don't feel like I'm a gold digger or anything but there are some things that a husband should be responsible for like making sure his wife is safe and etc.

I know deep down I don't like the way things are headed. He didn't want to go through counseling but I feel we need to. I have even considered moving out because, I feel like I could do the same by myself and wouldn't have to feel like I'm sharing my bed with a roommate while he is reaping the most benefits.

I yell and scream often and am seriously thinking about turning my back on this. Things are great for the first couple weeks and then not so great after we have paid the rent.

I can't believe I'm posting this here but I just need to get this off my chest.

He does more for his sister than he does for me.

 

[FlowerHair]

Money and chores are just a few things that need to be discussed in detail before moving in together.

 

[awhyley]

I don't like cooking everyday and asked him to help. He doesn't want to. I clean and he doesn't want to split the chores in half. I don't if maybe I'm just not ready to be a wife.

My car broke down and sat at my moms for a few days and he didn't offer to help or go look at it so this is partly why I just don't feel like the relationship is going to work.

This doesn't sound like a money problem. He's just not considerate enough of you as he should be. If he gave a damn, he would at least show some concern even if he couldn't fix it himself, and did you know about his stance on the chores before the relationship got serious? Sorry to say, but sounds like he wants a lover and maid. Being a wife doesn't make you either of these things automatically.

 

[likewtr4chklit]

Is money the most important part of your marriage? I feel like respect, communication and being loved is what comes first.

I'm young and will be married soon and right now I feel a little uncomfortable merging my money with his. We've had a few problems and its regarding the relationship.

Since we moved in things have been different such as chores, cooking, and etc.

I don't like cooking everyday and asked him to help. He doesn't want to. I clean and he doesn't want to split the chores in half. I don't if maybe I'm just not ready to be a wife.

My car broke down and sat at my moms for a few days and he didn't offer to help or go look at it so this is partly why I just don't feel like the relationship is going to work.

Am I wrong for feeling this way. I'm not stingy but, right now I just don't feel comfortable buying or putting my money with his because, I don't know if its going to work.

Red flags sweety, marriage is hard to begin with, so to go into it with huge red flags waving in your face is asking for trouble believe me.

ETA: You have the right to marry a man who lives up to your standards and meets the necessary criteria you DO NOT HAVE TO SETTLE.

 

[Nella]

Red flags sweety, marriage is hard to begin with, so to go into it with huge red flags waving in your face is asking for trouble believe me.

ETA: You have the right to marry a man who lives up to. your standards and meets the necessary criteria you DO NOT HAVE TO SETTLE.

You are so right about that. I don't know why I blame myself. I'm disappointed and some what miserable. I guess I'm sad that things are going to work. Before we got a place together his house was clean. Every since we moved in he just doesn't do it.

There's a lot more to this craziness and I just can't believe I got caught up. I have never been with a man like this. I got the shock of a lifetime. I regret ever moving in with him in the first place.

 

[Bunny77]

I don't feel like I'm a gold digger or anything but there are some things that a husband should be responsible for like making sure his wife is safe and etc.

First, I co-sign everything that everyone has said already.

Second, why would the term "gold digger" even cross your mind in this situation?


Finally... what is he bringing to the relationship? If the division of labor has you doing the household chores, then he should be providing in other ways... how is he showing you that he is capable of being a husband, which in turn, means that he is supposed to be a provider?

 

[Bunny77]

You are so right about that. I don't know why I blame myself. I'm disappointed and some what miserable. I guess I'm sad that things are going to work. Before we got a place together his house was clean. Every since we moved in he just doesn't do it.

There's a lot more to this craziness and I just can't believe I got caught up. I have never been with a man like this. I got the shock of a lifetime. I regret ever moving in with him in the first place.

Unfortunately, it sounds like you've been playing the role of wife without actually being one... this can be one of the dangers of moving in together, especially if there's no discussion of what's expected from each person.

I do hope it works out for you Nella!

 

[NYAmicas]

You are so right about that. I don't know why I blame myself. I'm disappointed and some what miserable. I guess I'm sad that things are going to work. Before we got a place together his house was clean. Every since we moved in he just doesn't do it.

There's a lot more to this craziness and I just can't believe I got caught up. I have never been with a man like this. I got the shock of a lifetime. I regret ever moving in with him in the first place.

I sincerely say that I'm glad it's come up before you got married and had kids with him. Think of the state you'd be in then.
In any case, I hope whatever you decide makes you happy.

 

[Butterfly08]

Unfortunately, it sounds like you've been playing the role of wife without actually being one... this can be one of the dangers of moving in together, especially if there's no discussion of what's expected from each person.

I do hope it works out for you Nella!

ITA! I doubt his behavior will get any better on the other side of marraige, if you guys ever make it there. As someone else asked, what are you getting out of this? Do you want to have to constantly nag your dh to help with cooking and cleaning? Do you want to be stranded somewhere with a broken down car while he sits on his arse like nothing is wrong and leaves you to fend for yourself?!

It will only get worse.

 

[Keen]

I'm not married so I don't really have much input in the subject. I just wanted to say that studies show the #1 reason for divorce is Money.

 

[Nella]

First, I co-sign everything that everyone has said already.

Second, why would the term "gold digger" even cross your mind in this situation?


Finally... what is he bringing to the relationship? If the division of labor has you doing the household chores, then he should be providing in other ways... how is he showing you that he is capable of being a husband, which in turn, means that he is supposed to be a provider?

Bunny , thanks so much for your response. I guess I got ahead of myself when I said gold digger. I don't ask for money but, was just shocked that when my car broke down he did nothing to help. Instead he put tires on a truck that didn't need them. New brakes on his car that he didn't need and got his backup sensors fixed at the dealership so that he would have a reason not to help me. I was baffled.

I think that kind of really got to me. I have a headlight that needs to be changed. I bought the light but he doesn't have the time to change it.

I know right now I'm in a bad situation and I'm ashamed of it. If I stay I know I shouldn't expect much. I don't know if anything is going to change. He says once we have our budget for purchasing a house together and trips and such being done things would be better because money is most important.

I pay 35% of the rent. The groceries and part of the electricity.Maybe he feels like he is doing too much. Hell those groceries aren't cheap either.

I still don't see him as a provider. I guess that's the problem.

 

[Bunny77]

Bunny , thanks so much for your response. I guess I got ahead of myself when I said gold digger. I don't ask for money but, was just shocked that when my car broke down he did nothing to help. Instead he put tires on a truck that didn't need them. New brakes on his car that he didn't need and got his backup sensors fixed at the dealership so that he would have a reason not to help me. I was baffled.

I think that kind of really got to me. I have a headlight that needs to be changed. I bought the light but he doesn't have the time to change it.

I know right now I'm in a bad situation and I'm ashamed of it. If I stay I know I shouldn't expect much. I don't know if anything is going to change. He says once we have our budget for purchasing a house together and trips and such being done things would be better because money is most important.

I pay 35% of the rent. The groceries and part of the electricity.Maybe he feels like he is doing too much. Hell those groceries aren't cheap either.

I still don't see him as a provider. I guess that's the problem.

Yes, I can see why you feel the way you do... this is a tough one because I know you want to make it work but as long as the status quo remains, there will be problems.

I brought up the "gold digger" thing only because I find that we (black women) are so afraid of being considered that term that we don't get the things that a provider/husband SHOULD be gladly giving to us... if your car was broken and your husband was in that provider role, you'd have every right to ask for money/assistance... Black women can't win for losing, it seems... just wanting basic things suddenly makes us "gold diggers."

(sorry, that's my own personal rant... let me get back on topic! )

I guess the question is, what is you two's plan for the future? Is marriage set or is it going to happen just "someday?" The reason I ask is because I can see this living together situation dragging out for as long as he wants it because he's getting over quite well right now. Sure, he's paying more rent than you, but he was paying 100% before, buying groceries and paying bills and doing everything to keep up the house... now he's only paying 65%, not buying groceries and only 1/2 the electricity PLUS he gets a live-in maid/housekeeper/etc., to boot! It's really a great deal for him!

People can go a long time saying that they're saving up for a house and then they'll get married yet, but has he started actually doing this or is this all talk?

You don't have to answer these questions to me or us on the board, but all of these things, plus the car situation, are definitely things to be considered as you try to figure out what your next move should be. If you decide to remain in this relationship, can you at least move out of his place?

I think the worst possible thing for you is to get caught in the wifey role while he still acts like Mr. Bachelor, and it seems like living together has created this dynamic!

 

[Nella]

Bunny,

You are right. A date has been set for the official wedding but, at this point I'm kind of ready to give up.

I have already been approved for an apartment and am looking to move in the near future because, of being fed up. I'm just disappointed.

Plus he's a foreigner so that's the other part of the equation that makes this relationship so difficult. Surely, I'm no fool but I do love him. I don't mean to sound like this but, if this love is so genuine what was the rush in the first place.
Plus he needs the citizenship I don't.

I need to do some serious praying because, I know when I do go it won't be pretty when I go.

 

[Divine Inspiration]

Ladies, I really appreciate your input. I had sat down with him and discussed my feelings and the way I feel I should be treated and he said that money is most important and all of the other stuff is small.

I don't feel like I'm a gold digger or anything but there are some things that a husband should be responsible for like making sure his wife is safe and etc.

I know deep down I don't like the way things are headed. He didn't want to go through counseling but I feel we need to. I have even considered moving out because, I feel like I could do the same by myself and wouldn't have to feel like I'm sharing my bed with a roommate while he is reaping the most benefits.

I yell and scream often and am seriously thinking about turning my back on this. Things are great for the first couple weeks and then not so great after we have paid the rent.

I can't believe I'm posting this here but I just need to get this off my chest.

He does more for his sister than he does for me.

Wait, what?

I would be taking a step back to complete reconsider this situation.

The bold = Money is NOT the most important aspect of a marriage, and for him to admit that to you...well, I don't know. Unless you agree, I think you should proceed with caution. In your OP, you stated that respect, communication, and love are most important and I agree with you. I think it is EXTREMELY important that the 2 of you share the same values because there are so many ways for his perception of money being #1 to negatively impact the marriage. If money is most important, he should be taking care of your car, the rent, and then some.

To the orange, pleeeease don't ignore that. That's your guardian angel...your intuition will never lie to you. Ever.

To the blue, say what? If you have expressed concerns, he should be willing to address them AND take the necessary action for the 2 of you to get on the same page. Counseling is a reasonable suggestion. If he can't see and appreciate that, then...

Regarding house duties, girl, please just be real with yourself about how many dishes you want to wash and how many casseroles you want to make because if he is not doing it now, he is not going to magically become Mr. Clean after the wedding. He, for whatever reason, believes that as a single man he needs to keep a tidy place but can be a slob and have a maid as long as you're around. If you're not ok with it, don't do it...he needs to agree to help or hire help. Period. Unless you are a stay at home gf/wife, you should not be slaving over the house every day in addition to all of the other things you have to do. There should be balance...maybe you alternate dishes..or maybe you cook and he takes care of trash, lightbulbs, etc. You are not his mother, and he needs to know that being a HUSBAND will require that he cover you and honor you in a proper way.

Your discomfort with the financial issues doesn't make you stingy or a golddigger...it makes you smart. You understand the implications of marital finances, and you're covering your bases. There's nothing wrong with that.

I'm not going to say break up, but I will say think very long and very hard about whether the life you have with him now is the one you'll still want this time next year and five years from now and ten years from now. You have to set the standard from the beginning because he will not be trying to hear anything about changing once you're married.

And don't beat yourself up. Applaud yourself for being brave enough to confront all of this before the marriage. You're a smart lady. Don't be afraid to do what you need to do for you.

 

[Divine Inspiration]

Plus he needs the citizenship I don't.

So he's in a hurry to get married so he can get his citizenship?

Does he consider marriage the joining of 2 people who love and commit to each other or a permanent roommate situation?

 

[SimpleKomplexity]

I'm not merging my money with some man. I saw it happen in my family. My dad took out lets say a very nice and thick piece of change and spent it on a house he doesn't even own anymore without permission. We will ahve a merged account, but you're krazy as h*** if you think i'm putting my whoel paycheck in there. I will have my own account and he will have his. Our merged money will be money saved for Misc thing, such as repairs around the house, car, or emergency money.

 

[tiara76]

does seem motivations and concepts and definitions of marriage, love and relationships are really not on the same page......

concur with what everybody has said in this thread

one mistake alot of women and men make regarding marriage is thinking that afterwards whatever concept of marriage they personally have in their heads that the other will automatically "adhere" and fall into the "role" they think the other should be playing....regardless of everything they were or were not before marriage....

the idea of pre marital counseling is a great one.....people so often are nowhere near on the same page regarding marriage and fail to communicate truthfully to the other BEFORE marriage where their minds and expectations and wants are

but in a case like this...your intuition is speaking very loud and clear, learning to trust it is sometimes hard and sometimes going thru experiences we ignored it on help us in the long run so that we REALLY know how to trust it and know that its guiding us for our own better good, but when one trusts it without doubt you will know what you need to do for yourself

wish you all the best

 

[beebstt]

i'm not married, but two red flags instantly popped into my head reading this thread:

-he is in a rush to get his citizenship (this doesn't sound like a good situation. what does he see the purpose of the marriage as, to get his papers, or to strengthen the union between you two. does "til death do you part" cross his mind? if i were you i would do a background check to make sure he doesn't have another situation in the country he came from)

-he spends more on his sister than you? naw, this is another red flag to me. is his sister in some sort of desperate situation or something? i think his priorities are definitely switched here.

i think you need to think long and hard and to pray over this decision. it sounds like your man has a lot of baggage that isn't going away if you decide to wed.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

Marriage is certainly NOT all about money. Poor people and rich people get divorced just the same. Yes, having money can make life easier but not if you are with a person who does not spend wisely or does not use their money to provide for the welfare of the family...but rather on tire/rims that they don't need.

RED FLAG!!!! Dude needs citizenship and seems to be running you to the altar to get it. Don't do it girl!!!

If he is not living up to your expectations now, it will only get worse if you get married. He is on his "best behavior" now so just count on him being even more of a slob and less helpful to you if you marry him.

I cannot even imagine DH not helping me out if my car broke down & making excuses so as to NOT help me. If I had a headlight out on my car, DH would be pressing me to take the SUV so that he could fix the light on the car.

Maya Angelou said it best - When a person shows you who they are, believe them! He has shown his true self and thank God it was before you married him, made a family together, or committed to a 30 year mortgage.

Bunny , thanks so much for your response. I guess I got ahead of myself when I said gold digger. I don't ask for money but, was just shocked that when my car broke down he did nothing to help. Instead he put tires on a truck that didn't need them. New brakes on his car that he didn't need and got his backup sensors fixed at the dealership so that he would have a reason not to help me. I was baffled.

I think that kind of really got to me. I have a headlight that needs to be changed. I bought the light but he doesn't have the time to change it.

I know right now I'm in a bad situation and I'm ashamed of it. If I stay I know I shouldn't expect much. I don't know if anything is going to change. He says once we have our budget for purchasing a house together and trips and such being done things would be better because money is most important.

I pay 35% of the rent. The groceries and part of the electricity.Maybe he feels like he is doing too much. Hell those groceries aren't cheap either.

I still don't see him as a provider. I guess that's the problem.

 

[frizzy]

Nella.....don't....

 

[LongiLox]

Is money the most important part of your marriage? I feel like respect, communication and being loved is what comes first.

I'm young and will be married soon and right now I feel a little uncomfortable merging my money with his. We've had a few problems and its regarding the relationship.

Since we moved in things have been different such as chores, cooking, and etc.

I don't like cooking everyday and asked him to help. He doesn't want to. I clean and he doesn't want to split the chores in half. I don't if maybe I'm just not ready to be a wife.

My car broke down and sat at my moms for a few days and he didn't offer to help or go look at it so this is partly why I just don't feel like the relationship is going to work.

Am I wrong for feeling this way. I'm not stingy but, right now I just don't feel comfortable buying or putting my money with his because, I don't know if its going to work.

@ the bolded: remember that the definition of a wife is not being a maid. It's not your duty to cook and clean. Those are things that you both do because you love each other. He should be willing to help and you should not feel that you have to bear the burden all by yourself.

@ the italicized: this is just a big no no. I feel that any man that truly cares about you would have taken care of this and you won't even have to ask him.

Good luck.

 

[MCMLXXII]

Ladies, I really appreciate your input. I had sat down with him and discussed my feelings and the way I feel I should be treated and he said that money is most important and all of the other stuff is small.

I don't feel like I'm a gold digger or anything but there are some things that a husband should be responsible for like making sure his wife is safe and etc.

I know deep down I don't like the way things are headed. He didn't want to go through counseling but I feel we need to. I have even considered moving out because, I feel like I could do the same by myself and wouldn't have to feel like I'm sharing my bed with a roommate while he is reaping the most benefits.
chest.

He does more for his sister than he does for me.

Why are you choosing to marry this man? This is a choice. Is it because he asked? If so, that's not good enough.

 

[LongiLox]

Ladies, I really appreciate your input. I had sat down with him and discussed my feelings and the way I feel I should be treated and he said that money is most important and all of the other stuff is small.

I don't feel like I'm a gold digger or anything but there are some things that a husband should be responsible for like making sure his wife is safe and etc.

I know deep down I don't like the way things are headed. He didn't want to go through counseling but I feel we need to. I have even considered moving out because, I feel like I could do the same by myself and wouldn't have to feel like I'm sharing my bed with a roommate while he is reaping the most benefits.

I yell and scream often and am seriously thinking about turning my back on this. Things are great for the first couple weeks and then not so great after we have paid the rent.

I can't believe I'm posting this here but I just need to get this off my chest.

He does more for his sister than he does for me.

All those things are important, not just the money. And yes, there are certain things a husband should do for his wife.

 

[LongiLox]

You are so right about that. I don't know why I blame myself. I'm disappointed and some what miserable. I guess I'm sad that things are going to work. Before we got a place together his house was clean. Every since we moved in he just doesn't do it.

There's a lot more to this craziness and I just can't believe I got caught up. I have never been with a man like this. I got the shock of a lifetime. I regret ever moving in with him in the first place.

I'm so sorry that you feel this way. We all make mistakes. You will get over this eventually. Be strong.