Make him feel like a man

Perfexion

Perfexion

Well-Known Member
Before I met my husband I was single for ten years and he was happily married to a white woman. He had two jobs so that she didn't have to work. They both always wanted children and she wanted to be a stay at home mom. He didn't think twice about letting her quit her job even though they struggled financially. It turns out she was infertile which kinda started all their marital problems and ultimately lead to their divorce. While all that was going on, I was finishing off a few degrees, moving my way up the career ladder, and traveling the world.

While we were dating the fact that he was such a good provider and big family man was appealing to me and the fact that I was so worldly and successful appealed to him. However, as soon as we got married and moved in together everything changed. He was unemployed for the first 9 months of our marriage. He actually got a job on an ultimatum because I was ready to leave him. Even though we talked about having children, at the time when we got pregnant I actually contemplated termination. I couldn't imagine having to physically carry the baby while working full time, and then financially supporting the whole family while he sat at home. Right now he is working, but I still pay most of the bills. If he can't afford to pay a bill one month then I just pay it. I don't want our lights to get cut off just because he's in charge of that bill. Why should we struggle when we don't have to?

When I went home for Thanksgiving (without him) my family gave me a little intervention about my marriage. My sister said that he acts like a bum because I don't treat him like I need him. I already had my own fully established life by the time he got into the picture. She said that his ex wife was probably way more dependent on him and that made him feel like a man so he just naturally stepped up. My cousin thinks he just treated his ex wife better because she was white but that's a whole different debate. Does anyone here feel that you have to downplay your independence in order to have a successful relationship?
 
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Oh honey, that's a doozy. No, you don't have to downplay your independence. As a matter of fact, he should uplift you for it. I understand he is going through a hard time but he should be proud of how amazing you are! Is his salary that much lower that he cannot pay the light bill? Have you told him how you felt? Is he possibly suffering from a depression? I know there is only but so much you can say without writing an auto-biography but I am just trying to piece everything together. I hope that things get better.
 
Just want to say that the way he is acting is not your fault. Your family seems to be blaming you for his laziness, not fair.
 
Is he unable to pay bills due to salary or unwilling to pay bills?i believe there is a huge difference,aside from money issues how is he as a husband? Is he supportive, loving, devoted to his family? Why didn't he attend Thanksgiving with you?
 
He seems as if he's just lazy...

Sorry to talk about your DH like that but it takes a special type of man to feel as if he could just stay home while his woman pays all the bills. Seems like a personal problem to me
 
Right now he is working construction, which is what he did when he was married to his ex wife, but the job that he ran out and got when I threatened to leave him was at a drug store. He was making a little over minimum wage. My salary is close to six figures. He had that job for six months before he got back into construction. He only went out and looked for a better paying job because I was on maternity leave which was unpaid and we were burning through my savings. He's a good guy otherwise. I do think the fact that he isn't a better provider depresses him a bit but I think that should be motivation to go to school or something. I guess he doesn't see it that way. It was a fight for a minute to get him to pay bills because he was just used to not paying bills while he was on unemployment. He went out and spent his money on stupid stuff (like a $60 plant for my office that died within a week because I'm never in my office, and tons of cheap costume jewelry that I would never wear and boxes of bottles of wine for us). Plus after he paid the bills he had probably less than $50 left until his next pay day. And onyxdreams he chose to work for Thanksgiving so that's why he didn't come home with me.
 
intergalacticartist said:
He seems as if he's just lazy...

Sorry to talk about your DH like that but it takes a special type of man to feel as if he could just stay home while his woman pays all the bills. Seems like a personal problem to me
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But he wasn't always lazy. He went from busting his butt working two jobs so his ex could sit at home and play with her cervical mucous to sitting at home himself and watching me bust my butt at work until I was 37 weeks pregnant. Something had to have changed.
 
Perfexion said:
But he wasn't always lazy. He went from busting his butt working two jobs so his ex could sit at home and play with her cervical mucous to sitting at home himself and watching me bust my butt at work until I was 37 weeks pregnant. Something had to have changed.
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Do you know what he used to work as?

What attracted you to this man in the first place? I'm about to send you a PM
 
Perfexion said:
But he wasn't always lazy. He went from busting his butt working two jobs so his ex could sit at home and play with her cervical mucous to sitting at home himself and watching me bust my butt at work until I was 37 weeks pregnant. Something had to have changed.
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:dighole::dighole::dighole:

How long did you date? Was he working the entire time?
 
Maybe you just aren't explaining the situation correctly, but I do think you are being harsh. He was unemployed. Times are hard. I know women whose husbands have been unemployed for years, since 2008. Its really sad. Is it just that he was unemployed or that he didn't want to work? You were going to leave him for being unemployed for 9 months? And are you blaming him for not being able to afford bills?

I agree slightly with your sister, it sounds like you are asserting yourself as the "successful" one and that can be dangerous in terms of his feelings.

Also, I don't think its healthy to continue to compare your marriage to his former one. 1. You were not there are are hearing information from one side, way after the fact 2. Again its a different relationship, your reason for him to do something cannot be "well you did it for your ex-wife" He is with you now.
 
I'm sorry but I think you need to tell him just that. (When I met you you were family orientated and a go getter. I admired how well you cared for your family,that's what attracted me and will keep me.) Tell him without being nasty and turning him off from listening. Leave nothing for him to guess because men are dense.
 
I agree this is not your fault. AGAIN this is not your fault. Don't go blaming yourself for your lazy husband. As a man his pregnant wife working her bones should make him feel terrible. Also, no offense but I personally would have never even married him after finding out him and his first wife basically divorced because she couldn't have children, shouldn't their love overcome adversity? :perplexed

Pregnant you unwillingly being the primary bread winner should have emasculated him and made him step up and desire to be better. Hopefully DH will realize what he is doing and the resentment that is surely brewing inside you and do something about it.
 
Perfexion said:
Yes, he had two jobs while we were dating too. We had a long distance relationship for years but from the time he moved to my state and we got married was only a few months.
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So he moved and wasn't able to find employment. For a man who took great pride in working two jobs so his wife would stay at home, I'm sure his ego has been deflated. He's probably feeling like a failure (on some level).
How have you approached this with him?

I don't think he's a bad guy.
 
deltagyrl said:
So he moved and wasn't able to find employment. For a man who took great pride in working two jobs so his wife would stay at home, I'm sure his ego has been deflated. He's probably feeling like a failure (on some level).
How have you approached this with him?

I don't think he's a bad guy.
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Gee, I never thought of it that way. I guess that's why it's always good to get different perspectives.
 
Based just on the op, I would suggest a book called 'The Surrendered Wife.' Let me go read the replies now...

Eta: 1. :dead: @ 'playing with her cervical mucus'. Nooooo, not the cervical mucus!

2. The moving thing reminded me of my brother and his ex wife. They married young and he worked and raised the baby to send her back to school but he never went back himself (we kept telling him...). They ended up in a similar situation, except he always busted his tail to make sure he had at least one job. They moved three times following her career. The relationship started to deteriorate somewhere between the second and third moves. It was sad to watch, esp for my niece. :nono:
 
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ETA: I had a Madea moment...of sorts...I'm calming my post down...a little bit...
NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOO!!!
Look back at HIS life with her. He was working 2 jobs...white woman (negro syndrome to do above and beyond when a white woman is the partner). The fact that she turned up ill reproductively says a lot about his commitment to marriage and in general. He left because she couldn't have a child. You are there for the good and the bad? What about his vow? Fast forward to you, independant woman, smart, loving and wanting family, that was your first and most important red sign. He stops working. :look: He wants a kid...still unemployed while you are the earner. :look:

The worst advice ANYONE could ever give you is that it's your fault for not coddling him and stroking his balls. When is a man going to stand up as a man without a woman egging him on? Namely, his momma? And for Black people to sh*t and piss on another Black woman telling her he's messed up cuz she doesn't need him more? Who will provide for the kid in the meantime between not knowing if this man is going to get a job?

GAWD...

Please don't assume responsibility for his guilt. Now having read your 3rd post, I see that you are 6 figures and he has insecurity about that. Didn't he know this in the beginning? That's not a good man, I'm sorry to tell you thusly. Where are you in the equation of his ***-ups? A freaking non-factor, according to him. Stop falling for it! And don't take advice of people who grate with your inner sense of strength, pride and common common sense!~ You cannot make a prince of a donkey.

Don't elicit more advice from them (family)...they are leading you to emotional attrition. :nono: I say this out of anger that someone has twisted your mind in all this and misguided you. I am angry at THEM. Get yourself back, for the sake of you and your child. Do what you have to do...you already know what that is.Not telling you to leave him, but you already know inside what it is you need to do. Do it. And G-d be with you.:nono:


 
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Lawd...I just cannot take it...


He crumbles with her strength....but buys her off irresponsibly with cheap gifts that could be savings. GAWD! He has serious emotional problems. Please get help.
 
auparavant said:
ETA: I had a Madea moment...of sorts...I'm calming my post down...a little bit...
NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOO!!!
Look back at HIS life with her. He was working 2 jobs...white woman (negro syndrome to do above and beyond when a white woman is the partner). The fact that she turned up ill reproductively says a lot about his commitment to marriage and in general. He left because she couldn't have a child. You are there for the good and the bad? What about his vow? Fast forward to you, independant woman, smart, loving and wanting family, that was your first and most important red sign. He stops working. :look: He wants a kid...still unemployed while you are the earner. :look:

The worst advice ANYONE could ever give you is that it's your fault for not coddling him and stroking his balls. When is a man going to stand up as a man without a woman egging him on? Namely, his momma? And for Black people to sh*t and piss on another Black woman telling her he's messed up cuz she doesn't need him more? Who will provide for the kid in the meantime between not knowing if this man is going to get a job?

GAWD...

Please don't assume responsibility for his guilt. Now having read your 3rd post, I see that you are 6 figures and he has insecurity about that. Didn't he know this in the beginning? That's not a good man, I'm sorry to tell you thusly. Where are you in the equation of his ***-ups? A freaking non-factor, according to him. Stop falling for it! And don't take advice of people who grate with your inner sense of strength, pride and common common sense!~ You cannot make a prince of a donkey.

Don't elicit more advice from them (family)...they are leading you to emotional attrition. :nono: I say this out of anger that someone has twisted your mind in all this and misguided you. I am angry at THEM. Get yourself back, for the sake of you and your child. Do what you have to do...you already know what that is.Not telling you to leave him, but you already know inside what it is you need to do. Do it. And G-d be with you.:nono:
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:urock::thankyou:


My response got lost, but it was in the same vein as yours.

I've had two friends who have gone through something similar, although no children were involved. They got into rlsps with BM who had non-BW exe's and these men had been doing the most when in rlsps with those women.

However, when they got into the rlsp with my friends, the effort never seemed as strong. My BW friends were expected to pull weight that they didn't expect from their former non-black GF's.

Also these segments of BM never seem to date the black woman equivalent of the white/non-black women they had dated in the past.

Eg. The OP's hubby, didn't go for the needy black equivalent of a gf/wife who wanted to be a SAHW/M and not on a high professional track.

Caveat: I'm not saying all BM with past IR rlsps do this, but there is enough of a certain segment of them for patterns to be noticed.
 
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Sounds like you may not have been equally yoked from the beginning, whereas his ex-wife was more along his speed.
Do you still respect him as a partner, husband, father, etc? Do you still love him? I know for me, once the respect is gone, love don't live here no mo'. And respect (also for me) is tied into a man pulling his weight and taking care of his responsibilities.
 
Again OP needs to make clear: is he unemployed or not working? Those are two different things. I don't think anyone is making her feel "its her fault" but if he is going through a rough time then have some sympathy. She leaving because he doesn't have a job is like him leaving because wife #1 was infertile (did he leave or was it mutual?). If he is just not working to be lazy then thats one thing. But he works in construction and that's a field that is almost dead in the water right now. Man could be depressed like others said.
 
.....Deleted.....

Not sure if my honesty about marriage is appropriate for this thread.

I tend to really over-speak my mind sometimes. :grin:

OP, good luck and I hope everything works out!
 
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@sunnieb

How fair is that? Speak your mind. I wanna hear. You should have read my original before the ETA: it was rather brutal.

NijaG

One thing though, I don't equate a SAHM as someone needy. It's a very tough and demanding job and you never have vacation, never have off-time. It requires 100% of your life even after the kids are grown. So, imho, the comparison between the white gf being needy versus the professional moving up the corporate chain is not a point I wanted to make...just clarifying in case someone sees my post as such. There are simply different lifestyles as a wife. He failed the both of them...miserably. :nono:
 
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auparavant - :)

Cliff notes version (kinda) - I'm sick and tired of the wife being held responsible for her husbands ish when she's being normal. Now we all know those bad wives, I'm not talking about them. I'm talking about the wives/mothers who are supportive and loving.

Husband starts acting up - everybody starts looking at the wife. What did she/didn't she do? What can she do to fix it? Bump that ish! Yes, support your husband. Let him know you love and appreciate him. But dammit, sometimes those jokas act the hell up and it was NOTHING the wife did!!! Aaaarrrgggghhhhh!!!!!
 
Including her needing to have a crystal ball to avoid all troubles with any man.
applause.gif




I will say, though, that anytime a man leaves somebody cuz they are physically incapable of having children, I would wonder why he would flock to another and how I'd measure up. Huge red flag....
 
thought you found yourself a unicorn huh? :giggle:

LHCF rules are if you are a unicorn you can only procreate with unicorns, so you messed up already; don't worry LHCF would let you know how to get rid of him and then you will be a single mother and undateable (is that a word?)...but guess what? at least your future unicorn would know that you are not barren. :yep:

May the force of unicorns be with you
 
Are you all on the same wave length regarding everything else in your life together? Or are you two generally on two different plains?
 
I should clarify. He didnt dump her because she couldnt have a baby. The stress and frustration of not being able to have kids put a strain on their marriage and they went their separate ways. It was actually an ugly divorce. They weren't on good terms when they broke up but according to him it was a mutual split.
 
Perfexion, These women on here will have you single. (Note how quickly the thread turned into yet another 'he ain't ish-fest'.) If you actually want to stay with this man, the belligerence in this thread will not help you do acheive that goal. You titled it, 'make him feel like a man', right? To do that, he has to feel needed and, as of right now, he obviously does not. The book I rec'd does have some 'interesting' parts (ie, give him control of the money), so take what you need and leave the rest.

Re: bm stepping up their game for ww. Unpopular opinion alert: when you're projecting 'strong black woman', you can't expect a man to trip over himself trynna help you out. You look like you got it (and enjoy having it). That Dita pic with the guys running over to pick up her umbrella says it all, which is why I said it should be an instructional photo. The advice in this thread is the type of ish you hear from women who don't know how to 'work' a man. I'm no expert, but I am self-aware enough to know what I don't know and attempt to rectify it.

Zaynab, what say you?
 
Maybe you two should go to some sort of counseling. He's probably depressed about all of the changes in his life and not being able to be the man he needs to be. Good luck.
 
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