Looking Back On The One You Didn't Marry Knowing What You Know Now...

[caribeandiva]

I wanted to marry my first love but after 10 years of me waiting, hoping and praying it'd happen it never did. I was devastated. A few months later I found out that dude was a serial cheater and was basically bad news. If I had married him: I'd be depressed, overweight (I eat when I'm stressed), not as well travelled, addicted to something or another to numb myself, a mom who let herself go, divorced from him or maybe even dead from all the health issues stress brings. Looking back I thank God it never worked out with him! God knows what He is doing!

So ladies, reflecting back on your past relationships, if you had married "him" knowing what you know now, How would your life be different? Are you grateful it didn't work out?

 

[sweetvi]

Yes. My ex from a few years back. He was possessive and Jealous and I ignored the red flags. Had I stayed, he would of destroyed my self esteem and I would of been depressed n unhappy. He married someone who looks similar to me lol. Figures


My guy who I lost my virginity too. I found out he had more kids then mentioned and had no real job lol.
Fast forward, he still doesn't have a real job and has a bunch of kids. I was naive though lol

 

[caribeandiva]

Yes. My ex from a few years back. He was possessive and Jealous and I ignored the red flags. Had I stayed, he would of destroyed my self esteem and I would of been depressed n unhappy. He married someone who looks similar to me lol. Figures


My guy who I lost my virginity too. I found out he had more kids then mentioned and had no real job lol.
Fast forward, he still doesn't have a real job and has a bunch of kids. I was naive though lol

Dude is a liar and is still unemployed? How does he keep finding women to let him hit it raw?

 

[ChasingBliss]

The man I was first engaged to..looking back. I think if I had had my mess together, I would have been happily married to him. He had everything going for him and right now he is doing GREAT. It was me *smh*
I am married now to someone who also has his stuff together (as well he should at our age) but that road was very rocky in the first few years...in terms of how we got along.

 

[caribeandiva]

The man I was first engaged to..looking back. I think if I had had my mess together, I would have been happily married to him. He had everything going for him and right now he is doing GREAT. It was me *smh*
I am married now to someone who also has his stuff together (as well he should at our age) but that road was very rocky in the first few years...in terms of how we got along.

It's hard looking back and realize that you were the problem

 

[sweetvi]

Dude is a liar and is still unemployed? How does he keep finding women to let him hit it raw?

He just had another baby . These women are loving the looks and he can throw it down in the bedroom too. Thank God I ran because he wanted me to be his wife n have his kid. I think it was more because I had a good career and he saw ching ching ching and naivety. Girl... I had no experience with men.. this is a result of being too sheltered and having overprotective parents

Oh and he is Haitian..enough said

 

[caribeandiva]

Oh and he is Haitian..enough said

I'm not surprised

 

[ChasingBliss]

It's hard looking back and realize that you were the problem

I spent years regretting that loss. YEARS.

 

[**SaSSy**]

I dodged several bullets...he never married any of his BMs (still never married), and still into that hustle street racing life.

 

[LovelyRo]

I'd be a financially secure adulterer.

 

[Maracujá]

My first and only relationship, about a decade ago, did not last. He was insecure, hateful, verbally abusive, physically abusive and had gender issues.

Needless to say, had I married him, I would've been more than miserable. Especially since I'm a fun loving sista! Not a day goes by that I'm not reminded of one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I don't miss him, I miss what could've been: I once heard a lady at my previous job bragging about how her first was her one and only. I think every woman dreams of that. But alas...I call it a lesson learned.

 

[sweetvi]

My first and only relationship, about a decade ago, did not last. He was insecure, hateful, verbally abusive, physically abusive and had gender issues.

Needless to say, had I married him, I would've been more than miserable. Especially since I'm a fun loving sista! Not a day goes by that I'm not reminded of one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I don't miss him, I miss what could've been: I once heard a lady at my previous job bragging about how her first was her one and only. I think every woman dreams of that. But alas...I call it a lesson learned.

Oh wow sis. You haven't dated since?

 

[Kimbosheart]

I grew up reading romance novels and I always fell in love with the hero. And at the same time I was always ready for the next hero to love.

There's only one in my past who I could've married but he still loves a girl I once was and not the woman I am still becoming.

 

[Maracujá]

Oh wow sis. You haven't dated since?

I have but nothing much came out of it. I did a two year dating fast between 2014 - 2016 and haven't dated since then. Focused on my purpose for the moment.

 

[caribeandiva]

I'd be a financially secure adulterer.

Do elaborate

 

[caribeandiva]

I dodged several bullets...he never married any of his BMs (still never married), and still into that hustle street racing life.

How old is this fool? I'm assuming at least in his 30s

 

[caribeandiva]

I have but nothing much came out of it. I did a two year dating fast between 2014 - 2016 and haven't dated since then. Focused on my purpose for the moment.

I did a 3 year dating fast after the "relationship" i mentioned above failed. It was the best decision I made because I had a lot of healing to do. I needed to learn why did I let someone string me along for that long and why did I play along? I'm grateful for that experience because it's made me wiser. Like @sweetvi said, having overprotective parents is a curse sometimes. There are things that you need to know so you can protect yourself. They think they're doing the right thing but their overprotectiveness ends up hurting you in the end. Sometimes I wish I was more street smart and less book smart.

 

[caribeandiva]

I grew up reading romance novels and I always fell in love with the hero. And at the same time I was always ready for the next hero to love.

There's only one in my past who I could've married but he still loves a girl I once was and not the woman I am still becoming.

I wonder why he's so stuck in the past

 

[sweetvi]

I did a 3 year dating fast after the "relationship" i mentioned above failed. It was the best decision I made because I had a lot of healing to do. I needed to learn why did I let someone string me along for that long and why did I play along? I'm grateful for that experience because it's made me wiser. Like @sweetvi said, having overprotective parents is a curse sometimes. There are things that you need to know so you can protect yourself. They think they're doing the right thing but their overprotectiveness ends up hurting you in the end. Sometimes I wish I was more street smart and less book smart.

Yes but we have to be careful. When we take a break for too long then we become fearful and more avoiding. I did fasts as well which helped but when it is time to get up and moving, do it ladies.
It's not right for many of us black women to be single and throw ourselves in our studies only. God created love.

Keep the dialogue coming

 

[hopeful]

I grew up reading romance novels and I always fell in love with the hero. And at the same time I was always ready for the next hero to love.

There's only one in my past who I could've married but he still loves a girl I once was and not the woman I am still becoming.

Girl! Romance novels will have you all messed up .

The one that got away was a sweetheart, emotionally available, cared about my feelings, but was very unattractive. I wanted the hero, the charmer, instead. The sweet guy still crosses my mind from time to time.

 

[Kimbosheart]

I wonder why he's so stuck in the past

He and a few others are in love with the version of themselves they were when with me. Making a man feel good about himself and manly used to be second nature when I was younger. I've been off the market for sometime but there are a few men in my past where I broke the mold for them. I'm in some of the feminine belle threads because i think working and my profession have eroded some of that natural skill. Plus it's fun trying it out on men in the wild.

 

[caribeandiva]

Yes but we have to be careful. When we take a break for too long then we become fearful and more avoiding. I did fasts as well which helped but when it is time to get up and moving, do it ladies.
It's not right for many of us black women to be single and throw ourselves in our studies only. God created love.

Keep the dialogue coming

My fast ended 3 years ago I have dated and been in relationships since. If I'm to be completely honest with you all, I think fasting for that long hurt me in a way. I got way too comfortable being single. I started becoming fearful of going back out there since I was so deeply hurt before. Even now I'm too quick to drop guys because I'm so comfortable being alone. Relationships are what's uncomfortable for me now. Which kinda defeated the purpose of my fast.

My original plan was to go on a dating fast for 6 to 12 months but I got so comfortable that I extended it for 2 more years. I got yanked out of it by a sexy marine I met at a concert and we went out on a date that same night. I don't know if it was my 3 year drought, the fact that this dude was a fantastic kisser and knew just how to touch me, but I was ready to have sex with dude that same night!! Lawwddd... He reawakened that part of me that was lying dormant for so long. I missed being kissed, held and touched by a man. So what I'm saying is it's ok to fast but don't fast too long. You can still heal and go on dates at the same time. No one is perfect.

 

[sweetvi]

My fast ended 3 years ago I have dated and been in relationships since. If I'm to be completely honest with you all, I think fasting for that long hurt me in a way. I got way too comfortable being single. I started becoming fearful of going back out there since I was so deeply hurt before. Even now I'm too quick to drop guys because I'm so comfortable being alone. Relationships are what's uncomfortable for me now. Which kinda defeated the purpose of my fast.

My original plan was to go on a dating fast for 6 to 12 months but I got so comfortable that I extended it for 2 more years. I got yanked out of it by a sexy marine I met at a concert and we went out on a date that same night. I don't know if it was my 3 year drought, the fact that this dude was a fantastic kisser and knew just how to touch me, but I was ready to have sex with dude that same night!! Lawwddd... He reawakened that part of me that was lying dormant for so long. I missed being kissed, held and touched by a man. So what I'm saying is it's ok to fast but don't fast too long. You can still heal and go on dates at the same time. No one is perfect.

Lol you see

 

[MzLady78]

My first and only relationship, about a decade ago, did not last. He was insecure, hateful, verbally abusive, physically abusive and had gender issues.

Needless to say, had I married him, I would've been more than miserable. Especially since I'm a fun loving sista! Not a day goes by that I'm not reminded of one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I don't miss him, I miss what could've been: I once heard a lady at my previous job bragging about how her first was her one and only. I think every woman dreams of that. But alas...I call it a lesson learned.

Wow. My last commmited relationship was over a decade ago as well, and my ex had all the same traits, in addition to being financially irresponsible. We definitely wouldn't have made it.

 

[LovelyRo]

Do elaborate

I don't care what they say... size DOES matter!

 

[caribeandiva]

I don't care what they say... size DOES matter!

Yes it does!!

 

[caribeandiva]

Girl! Romance novels will have you all messed up .

The one that got away was a sweetheart, emotionally available, cared about my feelings, but was very unattractive. I wanted the hero, the charmer, instead. The sweet guy still crosses my mind from time to time.

what a dilemma indeed. I don't think I could do it either. One of my friends is in this situation right now with a new dude. She asked for my advice. I told her to get to know him better. Only time will tell if she can overlook his looks (see what I did there ) or nah.

 

[PeaceLover]

My ex-fiancé...ooh chile...I'll be stressed to the max. Struggling financially & probably dead. I barely had to strength to leave him, but thank God I did or I wouldn't be happy now!

 

[SurferBabe]

Great thread!

I'd be married to a guy who adores me, but I would be feeling trapped. For example, I'd still be in my hometown because he never wanted to live too far from his family. He also wasn't a provider financially, and even now, from what I've heard about him, I'd still be outearning him. Plus he had this side of him that was judgemental, and it would come out anytime someone challenged him. He felt like he was smarter than everyone around him and felt intimidated by successful men.

Sometimes I look back and wonder if I should have stayed. I wasn't happy at the time because I was the breadwinner and he lacked ambition, but we were young and still trying to find ourselves. Since I called off the engagement, I've traveled, lived in other cities, lived abroad, entered a career that I love, and had some amazing experiences... but my dating life has been non-existent since him. I've been single for about 5 years now with no prospects in sight and I'm starting to doubt if that will ever change. I hate that my failed dating life makes me doubt that any other man could love me like he did. It's almost like he won in the end because I haven't found a better man. When I left I felt a weight being lifted off of me. I felt good about leaving. I'm hoping that in time I will start to reap the rewards of putting myself first in that moment.

 

[sweetvi]

Great thread!

I'd be married to a guy who adores me, but I would be feeling trapped. For example, I'd still be in my hometown because he never wanted to live too far from his family. He also wasn't a provider financially, and even now, from what I've heard about him, I'd still be outearning him. Plus he had this side of him that was judgemental, and it would come out anytime someone challenged him. He felt like he was smarter than everyone around him and felt intimidated by successful men.

Sometimes I look back and wonder if I should have stayed. I wasn't happy at the time because I was the breadwinner and he lacked ambition, but we were young and still trying to find ourselves. Since I called off the engagement, I've traveled, lived in other cities, lived abroad, entered a career that I love, and had some amazing experiences... but my dating life has been non-existent since him. I've been single for about 5 years now with no prospects in sight and I'm starting to doubt if that will ever change. I hate that my failed dating life makes me doubt that any other man could love me like he did. It's almost like he won in the end because I haven't found a better man. When I left I felt a weight being lifted off of me. I felt good about leaving. I'm hoping that in time I will start to reap the rewards of putting myself first in that moment.

Don't settle!

Believe that you deserve the best