Looking Back On The One You Didn't Marry Knowing What You Know Now...

[hopeful]

@SurferBabe
You did the right thing. You would have left him sooner or later. He just still seems like a catch because you haven't dated much since him. Once you start dating again, and you will, you will see that you made the right choice. I wouldn't give up any of those experiences you just shared. You should be proud of yourself. You probably haven't dated much because you've been so busy living your amazing life.

 

[caribeandiva]

Great thread!

I'd be married to a guy who adores me, but I would be feeling trapped. For example, I'd still be in my hometown because he never wanted to live too far from his family. He also wasn't a provider financially, and even now, from what I've heard about him, I'd still be outearning him. Plus he had this side of him that was judgemental, and it would come out anytime someone challenged him. He felt like he was smarter than everyone around him and felt intimidated by successful men.

Sometimes I look back and wonder if I should have stayed. I wasn't happy at the time because I was the breadwinner and he lacked ambition, but we were young and still trying to find ourselves. Since I called off the engagement, I've traveled, lived in other cities, lived abroad, entered a career that I love, and had some amazing experiences... but my dating life has been non-existent since him. I've been single for about 5 years now with no prospects in sight and I'm starting to doubt if that will ever change. I hate that my failed dating life makes me doubt that any other man could love me like he did. It's almost like he won in the end because I haven't found a better man. When I left I felt a weight being lifted off of me. I felt good about leaving. I'm hoping that in time I will start to reap the rewards of putting myself first in that moment.

I think it's your feeling of guilt that's keeping you single. Just because he was good man doesn't mean he was good for you. His lack of ambition is a turn off and you would've left him anyway. You did the right thing.

 

[caribeandiva]

@SurferBabe
You did the right thing. You would have left him sooner or later. He just still seems like a catch because you haven't dated much since him. Once you start dating again, and you will, you will see that you made the right choice. I wouldn't give up any of those experiences you just shared. You should be proud of yourself. You probably haven't dated much because you've been so busy living your amazing life.

Agreed. Keep doing you. You'll find yourself in a relationship when it's time. Just keep living life to the fullest

 

[PeaceFlow]

I'd be looked after but bored with no sex life.

Lovely guy but not for me.

 

[LostInAdream]

1st- I'd be in jail or a psych ward! He was an insecure, narcissist, cheater, habitual liar and a dope boy.

2nd- I'd be happy I suppose. He was a good guy just young and inexperienced. He did anything I asked but was a bit immature. He tried to reconnect a few times over the years. He's married with 3 kids now and doing extremely well for himself.

3rd- I'd be very happy. He was an awesome provider, kind, heart of gold, great listener, and amazing in bed. However, it was long distance and we were both in the military plus I got stationed further away. He's divorced and has 1 kid.

 

[ivyness]

I'd be married with kids with a man who took care of every need. He was perfect. But the even more perfect man in my life my dad died and made me mess it up. And I left him. Now someone else is living my life.

I'm not saying I'm still in love with him because I'm not. I'm just saying that life doesn't stop because of grief and don't push people away.

 

[KidneyBean86]

I would have been married to a serial cheater with no ambition or drive even though he was an accountant. It wasn't until after I moved that I realized how emotionally abusive he was.

I was young and naive about relationships but I know better now

 

[Shiks]

Figuring out how to get 6 baby mamas into my family dynamic, have separate finances/make sure my own kids did not lack because of his CS payments and miserable. So glad I walked away from that.
Second,happy with an ugly man. I think I would have pushed him to be better do more with his life.

I am now ready to get married and dating for marriage.Fingers crossed I learned from those experiences

 

[caribeandiva]

Figuring out how to get 6 baby mamas into my family dynamic, have separate finances/make sure my own kids did not lack because of his CS payments and miserable. So glad I walked away from that.

Good call on both these men

 

[caribeandiva]

I'd be married with kids with a man who took care of every need. He was perfect. But the even more perfect man in my life my dad died and made me mess it up. And I left him. Now someone else is living my life.

I'm not saying I'm still in love with him because I'm not. I'm just saying that life doesn't stop because of grief and don't push people away.

That's rough. Grief is one of those things you can never know how you will react. It's even tougher when it's your dad.

 

[caribeandiva]

I would have been married to a serial cheater with no ambition or drive even though he was an accountant. It wasn't until after I moved that I realized how emotionally abusive he was.

I was young and naive about relationships but I know better now

Are accountants serial cheaters? cuz the dude I wanted to marry is also accountant. No ambition is a no go for me too. You gotta want way more out life than what you have now

 

[movingforward13]

So ladies, reflecting back on your past relationships, if you had married "him" knowing what you know now, How would your life be different? Are you grateful it didn't work out?

My first love GH... had I married him, I would have been in an emotionally abusive relationship and one of us would have been in jail. He got my close friend pregnant which started a lot of drama. Took me YEARS to get over it. I thought he was the best too- great job, clean cut, handsome- I loved that man.

 

[SurferBabe]

I'd be looked after but bored with no sex life.

Lovely guy but not for me.

What's with the lovely guys lacking that IT factor? They know how to be available emotionally, but life with them leaves a lot to be desired.

 

[caribeandiva]

My first love GH... had I married him, I would have been in an emotionally abusive relationship and one of us would have been in jail. He got my close friend pregnant which started a lot of drama. Took me YEARS to get over it. I thought he was the best too- great job, clean cut, handsome- I loved that man.

Please say it wasn't while he was with you?

 

[movingforward13]

Please say it wasn't while he was with you?

Yep- he took me to my prom while he was f&cking her behind my back. She knew we were together but she wanted what she wanted and didn't care about our four year friendship.

Karma got her though- after she got pregnant, he and her got into some domestic altercation. He left her and they both ended up in years of court battles, custody and child support. She went on to have another baby by another man, never once married.

 

[movingforward13]

And we almost got engaged right before I found out she was pregnant. He came to my house crying the day he found out, didn't tell me but make some passionate love. I found out a month later why when she mailed a letter to my house to tell me.

 

[movingforward13]

Mind you I was 18 when all this was going on. I moved out (emancipated minor before hand), had my own place, my car, job, going to community college, taking care of my daughter. I didn't know any better and didn't have an older woman to help me leave the Jerry Springer drama I was involved in.

 

[intellectualuva]

The first one that proposed I'd out earn him significantly and be miserable that I couldn't/wouldn't be able to lean on him in all the ways that matter to me. Plus his baby mama was crazy. She tried to kill him and got him fired from several jobs.

The first man I actually wanted to marry: Financially ok, but sexually starved......maybe an adulterer.

My most recent ex: Financially ok, but we would eventually end because I needed more than he was willing to give. I'd settle until I was tired of settling.

Moving, opening myself up to new experiences and meeting my current SO.....it all worked out for the best.

 

[BlueEra]

I'm very glad I dodged a bullet. The I thought I would eventually marry ended up marrying a woman who settled since they have a child together.

Before he proposed to her he called me to let me know and see how I felt about it and if I would be upset (I wasn't). He called me the night before the wedding upset that we never made it work and saying he felt like he was making a huge mistake (eye roll).

He still sends me long emails/texts from time-to-time saying how he wished we could've worked out and he misses me (blah). I feel like if he wasn't doing this to me he would be doing it to someone else. I'm sure he definitely still has some side pieces and probably thinks he can wear me down, but I'm far removed from him.

 

[caribeandiva]

And we almost got engaged right before I found out she was pregnant. He came to my house crying the day he found out, didn't tell me but make some passionate love. I found out a month later why when she mailed a letter to my house to tell me.

She mailed a letter to your house, didn't even have the guts to call you to tell you? Since this was high school and all, I understand where her maturity level was at. She wanted your man even though you and her were friends for years. Smh Glad you left that Jerry Springer drama behind! I don't try to get revenge on people. I let my best friend, Karma, handle it for me.

 

[caribeandiva]

I'm very glad I dodged a bullet. The I thought I would eventually marry ended up marrying a woman who settled since they have a child together.

Before he proposed to her he called me to let me know and see how I felt about it and if I would be upset (I wasn't). He called me the night before the wedding upset that we never made it work and saying he felt like he was making a huge mistake (eye roll).

He still sends me long emails/texts from time-to-time saying how he wished we could've worked out and he misses me (blah). I feel like if he wasn't doing this to me he would be doing it to someone else. I'm sure he definitely still has some side pieces and probably thinks he can wear me down, but I'm far removed from him.

Then he should've had the balls to 1: wear a condom instead of hitting it raw, 2: not propose to a placeholder, 3: cancel or back out of wedding to said placeholder and 4: get a divorce!! Ok.. lemme get off my soapbox now. He's human too and we all make mistakes.

 

[BlueEra]

Then he should've had the balls to 1: wear a condom instead of hitting it raw, 2: not propose to a placeholder, 3: cancel or back out of wedding to said placeholder and 4: get a divorce!! Ok.. lemme get off my soapbox now. He's human too and we all make mistakes.

Exactly. No one forced him to marry her. He did it out of his own free will, so I have very little sympathy for him.

 

[ItsMeLilLucky]

Yea, I'd probably be in jail. I barely survived our relationship and I wanted to shoot my child's father after all he did to me. Good thing I was pregnant and didn't wanna have my baby in jail..

 

[BrickbyBrick]

Saw an ex at the Vitamin Shoppe the other day with another woman. He and the other woman were the only other customers in there. Didn't recognize him at first until he stopped me to talk. The awkward part was I had seen him with his arm and hand on the woman's hindparts a few minutes earlier, and I happen to know his wife. That wasn't his wife with him. Definitely wasn't his daughter either. Gonna go ahead and say my life is pretty good without him.

ETA: He sent the woman to the car before approaching me.

 

[Nicarie]

Ex-fiancé #1- I'd be a miserable pastor's wife side-eyeing my husband because he slept with the church secretary... usher board president....and the lead praise singer...

Ex-fiancé #2- I'd be struggling trying to make ends meet because all his money goes to support his 5 children fathered OUTSIDE of his marriage

My boo-thang--- perfection

 

[movingforward13]

She mailed a letter to your house, didn't even have the guts to call you to tell you? Since this was high school and all, I understand where her maturity level was at. She wanted your man even though you and her were friends for years. Smh Glad you left that Jerry Springer drama behind! I don't try to get revenge on people. I let my best friend, Karma, handle it for me.
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This was back in 2002/2003 when we were 18. She didn't have a car (probably wouldn't have rode the bus to my house) and I changed my number so she couldn't call me.
Looking back on it- who mails letters any more? That feel weird typing it lol. My have times changed.

I am very fortunate I stayed on the right path. Because I promise you- I would have been in Niantic (a woman's prison) back then if I acted on my anger. No MAN is EVER worth it.

 

[caribeandiva]

Yea, I'd probably be in jail. I barely survived our relationship and I wanted to shoot my child's father after all he did to me. Good thing I was pregnant and didn't wanna have my baby in jail..

Saw an ex at the Vitamin Shoppe the other day with another woman. He and the other woman were the only other customers in there. Didn't recognize him at first until he stopped me to talk. The awkward part was I had seen him with his arm and hand on the woman's hindparts a few minutes earlier, and I happen to know his wife. That wasn't his wife with him. Definitely wasn't his daughter either. Gonna go ahead and say my life is pretty good without him.

ETA: He sent the woman to the car before approaching me.

He's got a lot of nerve! I wonder if the wife knows.

Ex-fiancé #1- I'd be a miserable pastor's wife side-eyeing my husband because he slept with the church secretary... usher board president....and the lead praise singer...

Ex-fiancé #2- I'd be struggling trying to make ends meet because all his money goes to support his 5 children fathered OUTSIDE of his marriage

My boo-thang--- perfection

Double . Cheating pastor. Child support for 5 kids?!

 

[RoundEyedGirl504]

He would have drowned me emotionally and spiritually. You cannot be all things to any person, it's going to leave them frustrated and you drained. He eventually got married after a lot of drama, and as far as I know they're separated because he seems to now have become a philanderer.

 

[Maracujá]

I did a 3 year dating fast after the "relationship" i mentioned above failed. It was the best decision I made because I had a lot of healing to do. I needed to learn why did I let someone string me along for that long and why did I play along? I'm grateful for that experience because it's made me wiser. Like @sweetvi said, having overprotective parents is a curse sometimes. There are things that you need to know so you can protect yourself. They think they're doing the right thing but their overprotectiveness ends up hurting you in the end. Sometimes I wish I was more street smart and less book smart.

I wholeheartedly agree and concerning the latter: better late than never. I see some women still making these mistakes in their 40s and beyond, I truly hope that won't be me.

My eyes have been opened, I used to be so engulfed in my own business that I forgot the world around me. I took people at face value instead of digging deeper. The only reason why I even got in the relationship in the first place is because things at home were not going well, my mom became mentally ill and would hold loud monologues all throughout the night, it was a nightmare.

Right now I'm just pouring it all out to my community, so many of us are struggling with health and finances, it's so sad.

 

[caribeandiva]

The only reason why I even got in the relationship in the first place is because things at home were not going well...

I think that's the number reason women get into bad relationships. I know that was very true for me too. It's a coping mechanism. Something relationships were never meant to be.