Long relationships with no marriage in sight..

[HairQueen]

Hi All

How long is too long?

1.Ladies who want to get married - how long could you stay with a man without him marrying you? (especially if you are over 30 like me with no kids and want to have them and feel your body clock is ticking).

2. Do you think the older you get the less time it should take to decide if someone is right for you and same for him? I mean how long does a man need to decide? What I REALLY DON'T understand is when they got kids with a woman but STILL don't want to get married any time soon, I mean if he can have kids with you he is connected to you now for the THE REST OF THIS LIFE anyway!!!

3. On the flip side, I have heard of some couples who are VERY HAPPY together for 10 or 15 years or something without getting married then they get married and all of a sudden they break up 2 years later or something!! Why do you all think this??

I am looking forward to the replies on this one

 

[foxxymami]

Hi All

How long is too long?

1.Ladies who want to get married - how long could you stay with a man without him marrying you? (especially if you are over 30 like me with no kids and want to have them and feel your body clock is ticking).

2. Do you think the older you get the less time it should take to decide if someone is right for you and same for him? I mean how long does a man need to decide? What I REALLY DON'T understand is when they got kids with a woman but STILL don't want to get married any time soon, I mean if he can have kids with you he is connected to you now for the THE REST OF THIS LIFE anyway!!!

3. On the flip side, I have heard of some couples who are VERY HAPPY together for 10 or 15 years or something without getting married then they get married and all of a sudden they break up 2 years later or something!! Why do you all think this??

I am looking forward to the replies on this one

Normally, that's because one of them (the man or the woman) didn't want to get married all along. They went along with the wedding to appease the other person. If they both of them really wanted to marry each other, it wouldn't have taken 10 and 15 years

 

[Kalayani]

2 years, any longer i`m wasting my time.

 

[Caramela]

If you worked for a company with subpar pay and no oppurtunity for advancement, common sense tells you to start pursuing another job... same principle for relationships. When you see it isn't going anywhere, then you need to make a move. Why do women make this harder than it has to be?

 

[Bunny77]

Why do women make this harder than it has to be?

Cause they loooooooooooooooooooove him.

To answer your questions, OP..

1. I say two years. And we should at least be discussing OUR future together by the end of year 1... he should be speaking of our life together... that way, by the end of year 2 (if not earlier), I will be expecting a proposal. It won't be, "Okay, it's year 2, what's he gonna do?"

Looking at my guy friends who are engaged/married, they began talking about marriage with their GFs well before they proposed, so the GFs knew it was coming.

2. Most definitely! And it does seem that men in their 30s who want to commit will do it REAL quick! It's like something goes off in their heads and says, "Okay, I'm ready now!" And they make it happen.

3. I agree with what Foxxy said, plus I think that no matter how long a relationship might be, when it switches to marriage, there's a mental shift. In a long-term relationship, no matter how committed, you can't help but have a sense that you can "get out" whenever you want. In marriage, it's like, no way. I mean yeah, you can get divorced, but that's waaaay harder than leaving a non-marital relationship.

So, why do those marriages break down so quickly? I think the folks realize the greater level of responsibility they have and they decide quickly that they can't handle it... so they behave differently... and the marriage falls apart.

 

[caligirl]

I say after one year of dating I expect to be engaged and married a year later.

 

[Caramela]

Cause they loooooooooooooooooooove him.

What's loooooooooooooovvvvvve got to do with it? Got to do with it?

 

[Farida]

What's loooooooooooooovvvvvve got to do with it? Got to do with it?

I think she was being sarcastic.

 

[Farida]

How long is too long?

1. If I was over 30 and wanted a child I would probably not wait more than 3 years. By at least the end of the 1st year the man should be talking about our future. By the end of year 2 there should be a proposal. Year 3 would be time to plan a wedding, get counseling, etc.

2. Do you think the older you get the less time it should take to decide if someone is right for you and same for him?
I believe the older you are the less time it should take. Even still, I don't believe, personally, in marrying someone you've known for less than a year. When you get older you are more settled in life, career-wise, education-wise, and you know yourself and what you want in life better than lets say a 16 or even 20-year old.

I mean how long does a man need to decide?
Most mature men tell me they know in a year if they can see themselves married to a woman or not.

What I REALLY DON'T understand is when they got kids with a woman but STILL don't want to get married any time soon, I mean if he can have kids with you he is connected to you now for the THE REST OF THIS LIFE anyway!!!
I totally agree! People have different opinions but IMO having a child with someone is a huge commitment. If you are married you have no obligation to maintain contact with an ex after a divorce, but a child will ALWAYS be yours. Always!

3. On the flip side, I have heard of some couples who are VERY HAPPY together for 10 or 15 years or something without getting married then they get married and all of a sudden they break up 2 years later or something!! Why do you all think this??
I believe it is because they got married because it was expected of them. Or one partner did not really want to get married and just gave in to please the other one. Sometimes it is because after being with someone that long people get attached and they can't imagine life without that person. This doesn't necessarily mean you love the person enough to marry them. You are just used to them. Also, a lot more is expected of you from everyone once you are husband/wife. A certain level of freedom is curtailed.You can't use the "well, we're not married" excuse.

 

[SqrpioQutie]

1. I say two years. And we should at least be discussing OUR future together by the end of year 1... he should be speaking of our life together... that way, by the end of year 2 (if not earlier), I will be expecting a proposal. It won't be, "Okay, it's year 2, what's he gonna do?"

ITA!!

as far as the other questions, i've always been pretty "running on instinct" when it comes to the men i deal with... i instinctively start the relationship and i instinctively end them.. lol... but generally i know pretty quickly what i want with a particular person... i don't think age really has anything to do with it... i think that when a man or woman finds that right fit for them or it's just truly, in their eyes, "time" to settle down, they are able to make the decision quicker...

now the being together for umpteen years and then getting married only to break up soon after is ridiculous to me... those situations seem like they're getting married because it's expected and not because they truly want to... i think it's more that it's apparently not what they (as a couple) wanted to do from the beginning (or else they would have long before they do), so they (as a couple) aren't going to be happy in that kind of relationship (marriage)...

 

[Bunny77]

I think she was being sarcastic.

Exactly.

I'm thinking about women on all those talk shows (and in real life) who will complain that their man beats them, cheats on them, etc., etc., and when someone asks why they're still with them, the answer is... "Because I looooooooooove him."

ugh.

 

[14got]

I have never and will never understood living with a man for years
altering your body by having his fathead babies
playing the role of wifey without the benifits of marriage

not Kei
I want more

 

[sonce]

Hi All

How long is too long?

Six months is too long to go without mention of something serious. Two years is too long to go without being engaged.

1.Ladies who want to get married - how long could you stay with a man without him marrying you?

If a guy doesn't start signaling within the first few months that he wants me for keeps (as in we become exclusive and he starts talking about what marriage between us would be like), I will exit stage left very quickly and I won't come back.

2. Do you think the older you get the less time it should take to decide if someone is right for you and same for him?

Yes and no. Yes, because if you want to get married and you have a certain age range in mind, then as you near the end of your range, you should not let men waste your time. No, because ideally, in the first place, you shouldn't be wasting your youth with men who waste your time. So, ideally, if marriage is your goal, you should know (from the age at which you start dating) how long you are willing to wait and what kind of person you are looking for. That way you do not have to wait until you are older in order to start setting timelines.

I mean how long does a man need to decide?

Who cares. If he's not working on my timeline then he needs to go find someone else.

 

[SEMO]

Six months is too long to go without mention of something serious. Two years is too long to go without being engaged.

If a guy doesn't start signaling within the first few months that he wants me for keeps (as in we become exclusive and he starts talking about what marriage between us would be like), I will exit stage left very quickly and I won't come back.

Yes and no. Yes, because if you want to get married and you have a certain age range in mind, then as you near the end of your range, you should not let men waste your time. No, because ideally, in the first place, you shouldn't be wasting your youth with men who waste your time. So, ideally, if marriage is your goal, you should know (from the age at which you start dating) how long you are willing to wait and what kind of person you are looking for. That way you do not have to wait until you are older in order to start setting timelines.

Who cares. If he's not working on my timeline then he needs to go find someone else.

I agree with you and Bunny77. I think 2 years is the maximum amount of time to spend on a relationship before moving on, but even before that time (in the first year) a man should be making his intentions clear.

I think it's sad that many women who want to get married waste most of their 20's and early 30's with a man hoping he will marry them only to find she's wasted her years and youth on him.

 

[caramelcutieinva]

wow ... reading some of the responses in here were surprising

Maybe I am just weird. I can honestly say the reason we are not married is my choice. I would rather not be married at this time and have communicated this to my SO and my family. I see little or no reason to be married. I can't see that it changes anything really except for how you file taxes or an ability to add them on your insurance.

my SO and I have been on and off about 4 years. 1 of them we were in college. 2 of them we spent long distance. We just finished a year of living together in October. We learned a whole lot from living together.


Looking back ... there was no way I would have been eager to or interested in marrying him after 6 months or even a year.

 

[MizAvalon]

If you worked for a company with subpar pay and no oppurtunity for advancement, common sense tells you to start pursuing another job... same principle for relationships. When you see it isn't going anywhere, then you need to make a move. Why do women make this harder than it has to be?

This makes complete and total sense.

 

[MizAvalon]

wow ... reading some of the responses in here were surprising

Maybe I am just weird. I can honestly say the reason we are not married is my choice. I would rather not be married at this time and have communicated this to my SO and my family. I see little or no reason to be married. I can't see that it changes anything really except for how you file taxes or an ability to add them on your insurance.

my SO and I have been on and off about 4 years. 1 of them we were in college. 2 of them we spent long distance. We just finished a year of living together in October. We learned a whole lot from living together.


Looking back ... there was no way I would have been eager to or interested in marrying him after 6 months or even a year.

This isn't the same, IMO. You see no reason to be married, this question is asking those who want to be.

 

[caramelcutieinva]

This isn't the same, IMO. You see no reason to be married, this question is asking those who want to be.

It wasn't meant to be the same .... it was my response to what I read. I think .... I stated that

I also explained my personal take on marriage.

 

[gabulldawg]

I'm beginning to think that I'm wasting my time... Me and my SO have been together for a little over 3 years now. HE was the one talking about marriage and me being his future, etc. NOW it's as if he never brought it up! He no longer drops hints about a proposal or anything like that. I recently went off on him because I feel as if he is making excuses about us not getting married - money being the main one. The newest one is that he feels that neither one of us is ready for marriage. I think he's starting to back out on me, but he keeps insisting that he still wants to be together. I want to get married for religious reasons. I want to move in and start a life together and that can't happen until we get married...

 

[lveurslf]

I think it depends. When I was 20-21, I was not trying to marry although I had a long term boyfriend. Now that I'm older, I'm not about to be some dude's gf for 3+ years. 2 years is long enough. After that he got to SOGOTP.

 

[aja1121]

I think it depends. When I was 20-21, I was not trying to marry although I had a long term boyfriend. Now that I'm older, I'm not about to be some dude's gf for 3+ years. 2 years is long enough. After that he got to SOGOTP.

ITA!!! It depends on age, after 25....3 years is the maximum for me, after 1 year future plans need to be discussed.

 

[chellero]

The man should be mentioning marriage within the first year and proposing by the end of year two. It doesn't take that long for grown folks to figure out if they want to be with each other.

 

[reallynow]

The man should be mentioning marriage within the first year and proposing by the end of year two. It doesn't take that long for grown folks to figure out if they want to be with each other.

Exactly! We all know that men decide pretty quickly if they want to marry a woman or not, everything else is just semantics. Don't let men fool you with the okey doke-MEN KNOW! Age is a factor but if we are talking two adults-please 2 yrs needs to be the max.