Marriage clock

[DirtyJerzeyGirly]

yeah, there is some truth to this... Even arseholes ideally prefer a woman w/ little to no kids. We're like a dying breed, so when dudes hear you have no children, I think they favor that. This isn't to say they'd turn down a woman w/ kids at all, but I find some of them perk up a bit when they see you are childless.

LOL So true! And hell I'll keep it real. Whenever I hear of a guy not having any kids I perk up too!

 

[Britt]

Right. I know it's possible biologically, but that's not what I want.

As far as the adoption thing, that was more just a preliminary search to see what agencies were out there, what the process is like, etc. I'll give it another year or 2 before I start to feel like I really need to seriously look into in.

Exactly.. it's possible, doesn't mean you want it. I feel the same way too! LOL! Give it a bit more time, you just never know.

Exactly. It's like they've hit the lottery.

Oh absolutely! They could be trife their damn selves but will perk up when they find out you have no kids. Oddly, I find there's a whole lot of men on BPM w/ no kids and these are men 30-36 years old. I've spoken to several that don't have any. None of them have turned out to be a match.. but they def don't have kids and they all seemed pleased that I have none either.

 

[MzLady78]

Exactly.. it's possible, doesn't mean you want it. I feel the same way too! LOL! Give it a bit more time, you just never know.



Oh absolutely! They could be trife their damn selves but will perk up when they find out you have no kids. Oddly, I find there's a whole lot of men on BPM w/ no kids and these are men 30-36 years old. I've spoken to several that don't have any. None of them have turned out to be a match.. but they def don't have kids and they all seemed pleased that I have none either.

It's funny, I definitely feel like out of all the sites I've been on, BPM has a good selection on guys who look good on paper. But that seems to be where it ends, which is why I downgraded my account. NOTHING was panning out with the guys on there.

 

[Thiends]

interesting. i will be checking for the replies in this thread because im starting to wonder if its time for me to grow up some when it comes to guys and dating. im only 24, but im thinking i need to start having experience with serious relationships. before you know it im gonna look up and be 30...

mischka: Girl, this is the exact age at which you should start getting serious if you want marriage and a family. Don't you let those boys waste your time and don't you waste your own time either.

 

[zzirvingj]

That's nothing. After holding a friend's baby a few weeks ago, I got so depressed I actually cried.

But yeah, as much as it sucks, I definitely have to co-sign that being single is being better than being married to the wrong person. I know a few people in that situation and unfortunately, their solutions aren't to work on the marriage or leave, it's to cheat. And it's hard not to internalize all that stuff and start to feel like what's the point when NO ONE around you seems to be happy in their marriage and EVERYONE seems to be cheating.

I can really relate to the bolded.

 

[MzLady78]

I can really relate to the bolded.

It's crazy. I had NO idea it was so bad until I started hanging out with people who were much older than me. And I never knew guys were so bold with it, like you know exactly who the side chick is but couldn't pick the wife out of a line up.

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

I feel like this. The sad thing is I'm only 23 but my facebook feed is full of people I went to high school with talking about their upcoming weddings or getting engaged. I stupidly feel like time is running out because by 23 my mom and sister were married with kids.

You're not the only one. I'm 23 too and people from Jr High and HS are married with kids and it makes me think time's running out. My mom was married to my dad at 21. I'm in grad school so I don't have much time to really put myself out there. Interestingly the people my age who are married barely got through college if they even went. It's just a matter of putting things in perspective.

 

[Glib Gurl]

I’m in the same boat, I’m in my early 30s and it’s hard for me not to feel like some sort of a weirdo for not being married with kids.

--

Sometimes I feel that if it wasn’t for this forum. I would assume I’m some sort of alien life form.

It's interesting because I actually feel the opposite of the bold. Like the fact that so many women here are married and with children emphasizes that "No, Glib Gurl . . . it's not that black women aren't getting married. It's just YOU that's not getting married." erplexed Not that I have any ill will towards the wives and mothers here, but it definitely busts the myth that black women - particularly black women with educations and who have their stuff together - are doomed to be single. I felt similarly when I met my new sister-in-law (to be ) and her friends . . . all were educated, many were full-figured, and all were married . . . a few also had kids. So yeah. Definitely making me rethink some things and forcing me to figure out what I need to change in order to land my man. *lol*

 

[Britt]

It's funny, I definitely feel like out of all the sites I've been on, BPM has a good selection on guys who look good on paper. But that seems to be where it ends, which is why I downgraded my account. NOTHING was panning out with the guys on there.

Yep, I been on for about 2 months... and my luck has been dismal. Granted, I am picky about what I find attractive... but nonetheless, I've spoken to a few guys who weren't my 'prototype' and even given the nice one a try which turned out to be a big fat disaster. However, on paper he was good. There's another one on there who I find very attractive, def my type, and he's good on paper... but he's flakey... so .. umm yeah

 

[Rastafarai]

I'll be real honest here: looks have alot to do with your ability to attract more men. The more men you're able to net, the higher the probability of finding a suitable mate. We all know men are visual creatures. All I'm saying is maybe its time to exchange those baggy sweats for a pair of fitted jeans. Maybe its time to hit that gym, lose a few exta pounds, get a new hair color and/or get a makeup consult. The frumpy look just won't cut it.

It may also be worth examining what type of persona you exude. If most of your body language and conversations convey a woman who lacks self-esteem or is entirely negative, it will turn men away.

I'm just saying ladies, your focus may be misdirected.

 

[Rastafarai]

Definitely making me rethink some things and forcing me to figure out what I need to change in order to land my man. *lol*

It may be the attitude, Glib.

 

[Maracujá]

I guess it depends on where you live, I know of at least three different cases where a childless man married a woman with at least one child, meanwhile I'm 25, childless and have been single for like 5 years.

 

[BlackHairDiva]

It's interesting because I actually feel the opposite of the bold. Like the fact that so many women here are married and with children emphasizes that "No, Glib Gurl . . . it's not that black women aren't getting married. It's just YOU that's not getting married." erplexed Not that I have any ill will towards the wives and mothers here, but it definitely busts the myth that black women - particularly black women with educations and who have their stuff together - are doomed to be single. I felt similarly when I met my new sister-in-law (to be ) and her friends . . . all were educated, many were full-figured, and all were married . . . a few also had kids. So yeah. Definitely making me rethink some things and forcing me to figure out what I need to change in order to land my man. *lol*

Interesting, the ones in my environment are the opposite of the bolded. They are somewhat educated meaning they have HS diploma and are engaged or married and are going to university or college part time. I'm the opposite.. I'm single now and deep inside I kind of want to be because I want to make sure that I do my Master degree first. That way I have nothing stopping me. Once i star t my master's Im ok with being engaged and married but baby number one will be towards the end of my very last semester of my program.


I'm also trying to figure out what is going on. What I need to change..i know trust is one thing because I don't not trust others easily. second I think my environment has a lot to do with it. I don't trust or let my guards down easily because a lot of people around know that my family live a comfortable life. I don't want be taken advantage of for that. That is why I strive to move out of the area and into a city where I am miss nobody and the Mr.right will have to love me for me without the stigma of the BlackHairDiva family.

 

[Qtee]

I have children and have never had a hard time finding a man to accept my children. Like I said I have been engaged twice..its about finding the right man and I dont have to settle because I have children...Thanks for all the responses..its good to know I'm not alone..

 

[greight]

That is also one thing on my mind as well. I also happen to be aware of how it can impact not only my well being, but the well being of the kids. Especially, if I have daughters. It will be a nightmare for them to dealing with daddy issues/ men issues. Don't want that , it can affect not only daughters, but grand daughters, great grand daughters, etc. Gotta choose wisely cause its not just your basket case and can be the basket case for the numerous generations

This is me to the last letter.

I can deal with loneliness as a single woman, but I won't be able to deal with my children going through the same hurdles that I've went through if I get married for the sake of. My one fear is to end up like the other women in my family. No bueno

I've been sifting through the mess (dating), but I know I'll be okay. I meet guys, so that's half the battle. I just need to practice my discernment.

But if I don't get married, I won't have children. I do want a family so it'll make me sad, but I'm dynamic enough to know that I'll be all right. I'll be fly and fabulous .

 

[greight]

I also kind of fell the same way at times. Sometimes I wonder what is going on. But I have gut feeling that god is keeping me aside for someone wonderful. Its almost like it's not a regular guy.

Keep with it

I just want to live a fabulous life filled with joy and laughter. It'd be great to share it with someone, but counting the minutes until the person comes is the same as counting down a birthday but not enjoying the days before it arrives.

Not sure if that makes sense.

I admit: I have had so many highs and lows with dating, meeting men. Some of it was my fault, some of it was theirs (trifling ninjas), but they all give me stories for me to look back on and laugh. Even when I'm sitting across a lovey dovey couple during my commute

 

[mischka]

Keep with it

I just want to live a fabulous life filled with joy and laughter. It'd be great to share it with someone, but counting the minutes until the person comes is the same as counting down a birthday but not enjoying the days before it arrives.

Not sure if that makes sense.

I admit: I have had so many highs and lows with dating, meeting men. Some of it was my fault, some of it was theirs (trifling ninjas), but they all give me stories for me to look back on and laugh. Even when I'm sitting across a lovey dovey couple during my commute

That BURNED MY SOUL!!!! The other week I went out alone to meet up with friends for dinner and there were so many people out that night all coupled up on the train (I guess it was date night). It was the first thing in a really long time that made me want to have a boyfriend. So I made sure to do the same sh8t when I had a date the other night

 

[Choclatcotton]

Precious ladies, please don't blame yourselves for not being married by 25. I wasn't married until 44, but, I never found anyone worth marrying and neither did he until God lead us to each other. On the other hand, We are in this predicament due to decaying values. Many men in our society no longer feel it necessary to marry since chronic dead end dating is the norm. Women are not respected and valued. Marriage is ridiculed in by comics and sitcoms. Nevertheless, all is not lost and not all men feel this way and there are men of value looking for a flavorful Black woman to wife. Never lose hope or give up.

 

[LovelyNaps26]

It's interesting because I actually feel the opposite of the bold. Like the fact that so many women here are married and with children emphasizes that "No, Glib Gurl . . . it's not that black women aren't getting married. It's just YOU that's not getting married." erplexed Not that I have any ill will towards the wives and mothers here, but it definitely busts the myth that black women - particularly black women with educations and who have their stuff together - are doomed to be single. I felt similarly when I met my new sister-in-law (to be ) and her friends . . . all were educated, many were full-figured, and all were married . . . a few also had kids. So yeah. Definitely making me rethink some things and forcing me to figure out what I need to change in order to land my man. *lol*

In real life I have a friend who is a junior professor, one who just completed residency, another who is starting residency, etc. and i'm finishing up my PhD. Up until 8 months ago we were all single. I met someone (online ) but seeing well educated, interesting, attractive women single can be a bit discouraging. yet, it makes me realize that I'm not some weird alien. for whatever reason it is what it is. I'm still in my 20s but looking at women in my circle (black women) who are in their early 30s, well educated and attractive I know more who are single than not. I live in Cambridge, MA so there are a good number of comparable (at least in terms of education) guys out there.

 

[Keen]

I have children and have never had a hard time finding a man to accept my children. Like I said I have been engaged twice..its about finding the right man and I dont have to settle because I have children...Thanks for all the responses..its good to know I'm not alone..

I think many posts are missing this point. If many single women in their 30s just wanted to get married for the sake of being married, many of them would have been married by now. Most of us have met many guys who wanted to get married but it's not just about getting married. It's about finding the right person.

 

[hopeful]

Umm, no, of course not. That's part of why I'm still single.

That's why I said it's been *my* experience. I hear plenty of women say they don't want to deal with a man with kids, but I haven't come across the reverse yet. Not to say that those men aren't out there, I know they are. But I'm not giving up my desire to have a child because my hypothetical husband who may never come MAY not want to marry a woman with a child.

But thanks for the well wishes.

I'm glad you don't plan to give up on your desire to be a mother. I think you would be a wonderful mother, and if the right guy comes along he will admire and adore you for adopting on your own. That shows great character IMO and it will make you be even pickier because the guy will have to be good for you and your child. And you will be more relaxed and less pressed because one of your greatest needs will be filled. Of course you don't adopt to be pickier or more relaxed but I believe that will be a natural outcome. Being a mother is one of the greatest gifts on this earth and there is no reason you should deny yourself that joy. And no reason a child in need should be denied having you for a mother.

 

[Etherealsmile]

Mine has been ticking for awhile now and I'm in my early 30s. But the reality is that I just don't come across many marriage-minded men. And even the ones who say they are seem to act very contradictory to that.

For now, I'm just trying to enjoy my life and not dwell on it too much because it really does depress me sometimes.

aww

 

[MzLady78]

hopeful, thank you so much your post. it means a lot to me and was a great start to my day!

 

[Ms Red]

To answer your question: Yes, my marriage clock is ticking (and baby clock) but what I do is thank God for His infinite wisdom-- I'm not divorced nor do I have children with past men who could really give a damn. I do pray for God to place the right man in my life (future husband) but I also THANK HIM for sparing me from great heartache and possibly having kids with men from past relationships who I know have NO business being the father of my future children.

I hope that made sense. I even put my intentions on my online profiles (seeking marriage-minded men only), drop the hint on a date (not the first couple but you know). If they want it too, they do, if they don't, let them go.

 

[Britt]

To answer your question: Yes, my marriage clock is ticking (and baby clock) but what I do is thank God for His infinite wisdom-- I'm not divorced nor do I have children with past men who could really give a damn. I do pray for God to place the right man in my life (future husband) but I also THANK HIM for sparing me from great heartache and possibly having kids with men from past relationships who I know have NO business being the father of my future children.

I hope that made sense. I even put my intentions on my online profiles (seeking marriage-minded men only), drop the hint on a date (not the first couple but you know). If they want it too, they do, if they don't, let them go.

Ms Red, thanks so much for this! This is a prayer I needed to read. It def resonates with me.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

I'm more worried about being married to the wrong person than a marriage clock.

Nothing will age you faster than a no good man.

Preach. I would honestly rather live life with no kids, no man, no husband....than be with someone I don't want and don't want me. Nothing like being with someone still feeling alone. *shrugs*

 

[Maracujá]

It gets even worse when other people start to monitor your marriage clock, ugh. Today a co-worker of mine suggested I go backpacking for work since I have no obligations (no SO) here anyway. Back in the days that would've made me sad, and I still have my off days sometimes, but I've decided to place it all in God's hands.

 

[MzLady78]

It gets even worse when other people start to monitor your marriage clock, ugh. Today a co-worker of mine suggested I go backpacking for work since I have no obligations (no SO) here anyway. Back in the days that would've made me sad, and I still have my off days sometimes, but I've decided to place it all in God's hands.

Some folks need to be kicked in their kneecaps.

 

[nik83]

It gets even worse when other people start to monitor your marriage clock, ugh. Today a co-worker of mine suggested I go backpacking for work since I have no obligations (no SO) here anyway. Back in the days that would've made me sad, and I still have my off days sometimes, but I've decided to place it all in God's hands.

The one's that monitor your clock, and seem to be more worried about you being married than you are, are the one's that aren't to happy in their own marriage, misery loves company. The one's who are happily married are the one's that are most supportive of you finding the right one than finding anyone. They actually know how much better it is to get the one, then to settle for fear of being alone. I tend to listen to them and take their advise.

 

[ChasingBliss]

I'll be real honest here: looks have alot to do with your ability to attract more men. The more men you're able to net, the higher the probability of finding a suitable mate. We all know men are visual creatures. All I'm saying is maybe its time to exchange those baggy sweats for a pair of fitted jeans. Maybe its time to hit that gym, lose a few exta pounds, get a new hair color and/or get a makeup consult. The frumpy look just won't cut it.

It may also be worth examining what type of persona you exude. If most of your body language and conversations convey a woman who lacks self-esteem or is entirely negative, it will turn men away.

I'm just saying ladies, your focus may be misdirected.

Agrees whole heartedly. You cannot attract what you are not. Be the thing(s) you want in another person.