Marriage clock

[Glib Gurl]

It gets even worse when other people start to monitor your marriage clock, ugh. Today a co-worker of mine suggested I go backpacking for work since I have no obligations (no SO) here anyway. Back in the days that would've made me sad, and I still have my off days sometimes, but I've decided to place it all in God's hands.

I *hate* that. Although it's unspoken, I do think a part of the expectation of my job is that you remain single and childless . . . most of the folks here either have no families of their own OR have children who are grown. Folks with little kids either up and leave or get demoted

It may be the attitude, Glib.

Well, according to this thread, it requires oh so much more.

 

[softblackcotton]

Precious ladies, please don't blame yourselves for not being married by 25. I wasn't married until 44, but, I never found anyone worth marrying and neither did he until God lead us to each other. On the other hand, We are in this predicament due to decaying values. Many men in our society no longer feel it necessary to marry since chronic dead end dating is the norm. Women are not respected and valued. Marriage is ridiculed in by comics and sitcoms. Nevertheless, all is not lost and not all men feel this way and there are men of value looking for a flavorful Black woman to wife. Never lose hope or give up.

I agree that you shouldn't rush marriage and end up with the wrong one. Most of the women in their 20's getting married now will likely be divorced in 5 years or less.

 

[Etherealsmile]

I agree that you shouldn't rush marriage and end up with the wrong one. Most of the women in their 20's getting married now will likely be divorced in 5 years or less.

I think you might be right, isn't the divorce rate much higher for those in their 20's than those who married 30+ and above?

 

[Bun Mistress]

Preach. I would honestly rather live life with no kids, no man, no husband....than be with someone I don't want and don't want me. Nothing like being with someone still feeling alone. *shrugs*

I know many very successful black women like this. Some of them are considering/getting a divorce currently. Settling is not worth it!

 

[Syrah]

I know many very successful black women like this. Some of them are considering/getting a divorce currently. Settling is not worth it!

Speaking hypothetically: what if we black women were willing to invest the same level of effort in finding and marrying the right man as we are in finding and locking down the right career?

 

[Syrah]

Agrees whole heartedly. You cannot attract what you are not. Be the thing(s) you want in another person.

This needs to be repeated.

And being educated, and financially stable isn't all we want, so we need to stop expecting that because we have a career, education and a decent FICO score that we are automatically all a man has ever wanted. It goes a LOT deeper than that. And as one becomes more discerning, good career/education/finances is simply scratching the surface.

 

[BlackHairDiva]

Keep with it

I just want to live a fabulous life filled with joy and laughter. It'd be great to share it with someone, but counting the minutes until the person comes is the same as counting down a birthday but not enjoying the days before it arrives.

Not sure if that makes sense.

I admit: I have had so many highs and lows with dating, meeting men. Some of it was my fault, some of it was theirs (trifling ninjas), but they all give me stories for me to look back on and laugh. Even when I'm sitting across a lovey dovey couple during my commute

It sort of makes sense. I know this is going to sound off. Yesterday, I realized something I think there is something that I'm doing that I should not do. I was coming out of the grocery store yesterday, and I could tell there was going to be some major thunder and lightening. The sound was crazy loud!!!! The sky was turning dark gray almost black. I was really scared. I checked and there was no bus coming in sight for an hour. So I decided to walk home since I could not wait an hour for the bus. I walked but I was very sceptical that I would be able to walk home without having to see thunder and lightning. For some reason, my gut feeling was telling me other wise. It’s like a little voice inside of me went:” When Are you going to start trusting in God? Walk if you trust him, he will make sure you are safe or stay at the bus stop for an hour and remain in distrust.”

Visually, when I looked and listen at everything around me it seemed like it was nearly impossible for the rain, the thunder and the lightening to start within minutes. I walked home quickly and prayed the whole way. I actually put my trust in god….as cheesy as it sounds. I made it home. There was not a drop of rain, no lightening, no thunder no nothing. The instant I closed my front door behind my back… the rain, lightening, thunder started.

So I guess I need to do the same with my love life, trust in god. Trust him no matter how things around me seem impossible and against me.

 

[BlackHairDiva]

In real life I have a friend who is a junior professor, one who just completed residency, another who is starting residency, etc. and i'm finishing up my PhD. Up until 8 months ago we were all single. I met someone (online ) but seeing well educated, interesting, attractive women single can be a bit discouraging. yet, it makes me realize that I'm not some weird alien. for whatever reason it is what it is. I'm still in my 20s but looking at women in my circle (black women) who are in their early 30s, well educated and attractive I know more who are single than not. I live in Cambridge, MA so there are a good number of comparable (at least in terms of education) guys out there.

Cambridge, MA... That's where I want to move!!! I have been wanting to move there since 2002!! I'm still working on that. I want to move there!! It's my dream. I'm currently saving money to move there!!! Lucky!!!

 

[greight]

Speaking hypothetically: what if we black women were willing to invest the same level of effort in finding and marrying the right man as we are in finding and locking down the right career?

I agree. If this were the case, I would have been golden at 20 .

But the problem is, there are a lot of self-help garbage or non-sense advice thrown out there. So even if you put in the effort, you still have to sort of wade through the mucky waters.

Furthermore, I think my parents did a disservice to me by discouraging me from dating. I was a good girl and followed their requests. I still can run game, but I used to feel so behind my peers.

If I have a daughter, I'll be teaching her how to discern men and male behavior early. Whenever she feels ready to date (after 15 or 16), I want her to start seriously thinking about what she wants in a man. Then she could invest her time wisely in finding him since she'll know what she wants.

Visually, when I looked and listen at everything around me it seemed like it was nearly impossible for the rain, the thunder and the lightening to start within minutes. I walked home quickly and prayed the whole way. I actually put my trust in god….as cheesy as it sounds. I made it home. There was not a drop of rain, no lightening, no thunder no nothing. The instant I closed my front door behind my back… the rain, lightening, thunder started.

So I guess I need to do the same with my love life, trust in god. Trust him no matter how things around me seem impossible and against me.

It's not cheesy, it's powerful. Sometimes you just have to remain calm. Come what may.

I'm not as anxious as I used to be the last few months. It's weird. I still hurry to finish up tasks and get things done, but I'm not so down on myself during the process.

 

[UrbainChic]

Furthermore, I think my parents did a disservice to me by discouraging me from dating. I was a good girl and followed their requests. I still can run game, but I used to feel so behind my peers.

I too was discouraged from dating. I was told by everyone from my parents to my grandma dont date until you are finished with school. Well 2 degrees later (and one more to come) I suddenly have all this pressure and people asking when am i going to settle down. All I can think of is how I was always the good one, and all my limited dating experience, and how that their own damn advice is part of why i only recently have started thinking about marriage seriously so why are they up my @$$. I dont worry too much about it though, my grandmother married at 28, which was ancient in her day, mostly because she also was finishing school! It runs in the family, yourself first, man second!

But I'm not giving up my desire to have a child because my hypothetical husband who may never come MAY not want to marry a woman with a child.

I totally hear you on that. Im a few years younger than you but i already decided that if I am not in even a committed relationship by 35, I am going to the sperm bank. I have some friends that have offered to give me sperm (and one of these friends is budding into something more so maybe he will get to make his donation the old fashioned way rather than via turkey baster)

I have a number of years ahead of me before 35, and though I am a traditionalist and come from a very traditional family, I know I will never give up that dream of motherhood. There is no age limit for true love, but as far as biology and reproduction, unfortunately there is (and increased risk) . I have a single cousin who is 40 who laments not having children bc she is waiting for everything to fall in the ”right order”, but i realize sometimes there is no such thing as the ”right” order. I've told my grandma and relatives, (briefing them on my priorities in case I need to enact this plan one day) and surprisingly they are very supportive, esp both my grandmamas who in the end, had failed marriages, but found the greatest treasure of these bad marriages to be their children and grandchildren.