Reflection
This all is so much mental and emotional work.
Simplicity.
I need that right now.
This all is so much mental and emotional work.
Simplicity.
I need that right now.
Letting Go With Positivity, Peace, Courage, And Interdependence
- Thread starter mysblossom
- Start date
C@ssandr@
formerly known as "keyawarren"
Reflection
This all is so much mental and emotional work.
Simplicity.
I need that right now.
I think simplicity is taking action.
You and I think alike. I see the rationalization and hashing it all out. But this is not actually doing something about it. Trust your gut and do what it is you think you need to do.
"Trust my gut." Many thanks. Others have PM'd me the same advice.
So what does my gut tell me?
The reason it's telling me that because I haven't seen any sense of URGENCY in this man about providing or even helping out financially: He let our phones and electricity get cut off in the winter without telling me it was pending . . . without trying to borrow the money from any of his family members or asking me if I could borrow it . . . just let us end up in the dark and without heat in the winter. And then just waited for me to get everything cut back on. And still after that, no job or serious job searching that he would let me see (only job searching that he argued was happening but that he couldn't share with me).
So my gut says, "Something weird is going on here. Weird for 1 year is one thing. Weird for 2 years is one thing. Weird for 3, 4, 5, 6 years with folks trying to help? That is something else."
Many thanks. Others have PM'd me the same advice.So what does my gut tell me?
- My gut is telling me that staying with DH will likely mean more months and years of going around in circles over this while I am the provider.
- My gut is telling me that if I want something different, my chances are VERY LOW of having something different with DH.
- My gut is telling me, "It is what it is, and THIS is what it is: Stay and work basically alone for everything you get and have, or leave and hope you get another chance at partnership and love. Those are your likely options. What is NOT A LIKELY OPTION is that this man will go out into the world, face the world, and become yours, his, and any children's provider."
- If there is some chance that these next few months usher in a change, my gut is telling me that it is a slight chance and that I need to stay focused on staying okay.
- My gut is telling me that until my husband sees me say, "I just can't handle this anymore," and watches me REFUSE TO HANDLE (i.e. be in) the situation, he won't know that I don't intend to handle the situation.
The reason it's telling me that because I haven't seen any sense of URGENCY in this man about providing or even helping out financially: He let our phones and electricity get cut off in the winter without telling me it was pending . . . without trying to borrow the money from any of his family members or asking me if I could borrow it . . . just let us end up in the dark and without heat in the winter. And then just waited for me to get everything cut back on. And still after that, no job or serious job searching that he would let me see (only job searching that he argued was happening but that he couldn't share with me).
So my gut says, "Something weird is going on here. Weird for 1 year is one thing. Weird for 2 years is one thing. Weird for 3, 4, 5, 6 years with folks trying to help? That is something else."
My heart is telling me, "Maybe he doesn't want to be here, in this situation with me? Maybe he's not interested in working hard with me and won't leave because he'd feel he was abandoning me (to take care of the nephews alone, etc.) or because he likes free food, phone, internet, etc. Maybe he really wants to leave, doesn't want to be in this, and that's part of what makes it hard for him to sacrifice (go to work) for us?"
Godsdaughter001
Well-Known Member
Not telling you to leave or stay ... But, if you leave him, he will have no choice but to get a job. No other family member will allow him to not work and live with them for as long. He won't have a choice.
I wish you were right, but I have evidence to the contrary. Most everyone thinks he will just cycle through his family: Few years with mom and dad again, few years with brother number 1, few years with brother number 2 . . . there's an empty, paid-for house in the family so he might go there if they were ever to get internet . . .
That's why I'm hoping THIS time he goes to stay with his aunt in an entirely different state, if he ends up moving and all. I hear she is no nonsense, but I don't know. Prayers, prayers, prayers.
Godsdaughter001
Well-Known Member
Do you think they would all be willing to take him in one after another? Also, how does his mom feel about him not working? Has she ever talked to you about it? Have any of his relatives said anything to you about it? Just curious.
In the beginning (year 0 - 2), when I would talk with his mom she would say, "Oh, I believe he's going to get something soon. He just needs our support. Etc." I would call her every few weeks to once a month, and she just kept saying that.
Then I left him that first time and really didn't talk to the family much.
The mom talked to me in depth during our last visit, and I was REALLY SHOCKED to hear what she thought of the whole thing. She had totally changed her tune! She told me that I just have to leave him to give him that wake up call that he needs. She's very, very, very worried about him, now. Among other things, she told me that maybe I was addicted to him.
O.M.G!
I cannot TELL you how terrible that made me feel. I was worried about "abandoning" their son while she was seeing that as being addicted to him.
That did something to me. Because in NO WAY am I addicted to this person. No, it's that I have felt trapped by scripture and have worried about his mental state. Oy. If he were to leave ME, I'd be scripturally free to move on to someone else. Not addicted. Not addicted. SO NOT ADDICTED.
I promised her, "You don't have to worry, Mrs. Blossom's Spouse's Mom. Now that I know that you guys are ready for him to hit rock bottom, that makes it easier! I am 100% okay with him leaving, especially if that's what's best for him, I promise, because nothing I do helps anymore."
She asked me, "Do you think you can talk him into just staying right now and not going back with you?" I tried and he wouldn't, but he did promise his mom he'd leave my state (here) by December if things weren't working out.
Everyone did a collectively sigh of relief and DH and I traveled back here to home state.
Also, his sister has talked with me, his dad has talked with me, and our sister-in-law talks with me on the regular about it.
- His sister doesn't get it and just thinks I should NOT lose out on my life dreams because he refuses to work. She says she's done with him.
- His dad just tells me, "I'm so disappointed, because we didn't raise him to be this way. And now you guys won't have children, so the last name will die out."
- Our sister-in-law NeNe has helped me keep my sanity. While I don't tend to talk to the family too much about it, she brings it up: "Okay, so what's going on with this situation now? What are his plans? What has he done? What about you? Etc., etc." She texts DH, constantly asking him to just leave and get his own self together.
ETA: Sis-in-law Nene told me, "You always give him a place to run to and hide, where he doesn't have to work. If you would stop . . ."
Sigh. Ouch. Cry.
I never felt that way, but I see her point of view completely now. It's one of the reasons why I don't see a separation as as bad a thing as some posters here do, though I understand their sense of it. If we were on year 3 I might be in a different space/place. But now?
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bklynbornNbred
Well-Known Member
I thought you were working on your paper???
This is why I asked questions for what you want are comfortable with (instead of my younger self jumping in with opinions). If in fact you were ok with this option and were just struggling with the "appearance" aspect then that would be your issue to deal with. But you have been clear that you are not ok and that's fine. You are slowly giving yourself permission to put yourself and your needs first.
This is why I asked questions for what you want are comfortable with (instead of my younger self jumping in with opinions). If in fact you were ok with this option and were just struggling with the "appearance" aspect then that would be your issue to deal with. But you have been clear that you are not ok and that's fine. You are slowly giving yourself permission to put yourself and your needs first.
bklynbornNbred
Well-Known Member
@strenght81 Did you read the other posts or responses? Why would you reinforce false belief that OP is in anyway responsible for her husbands lack of accountability to their marriage? Its been years since he has worked. At what point do you stop with the coddling and encouragement from an unwilling vessel?
bklynbornNbred
Well-Known Member
@mysblossom First belated Birthday Blessing to you!
I think you're starting to overthink this. Keep this all simple. Your husbands actions do not match his words.
He's a college educated man. He is well aware of changes that happen in the job market. If his field has changed how have the others that graduated with his major fared? Are they all unemployed or have they made appropriate changes? (These are rhetorical questions. On some level you have to accept that he is choosing to behave this way. The reasons are not yours to figure out).
I don't know if you watch Being Mary Jane but there was a scene in last week's episode where her brother discusses with her a certain type of man that is loathe to work for anything because he's had everything handed to him. When he's grown up with private school, ivy educated, well paid etc., they don't have to "fight" for women or things because usually when option goes another comes their way often without trying. They know they are "hot commodities" and this leads to an arrogance and laziness on their part. On some level your husband believes he doesn't have to do anything more for you and your allowing him to stay has reinforced that.
Unlike others, I don't think he is in any way homosexual or effeminate. (Most of the gay men I know work hard because they have very expensive tastes but that's for another thread.) There are many masculine men who love to cook and are giving to their wives. I think that he is well aware of your "language" even if you aren't and he uses it to manipulate you into what he wants - a mother caring for him not a wife who is looking to him to "head" the household. (What you wrote here doesn't match up with what you say the test said).
An oldest boy who grew up in a family of workers is well aware of what he needs to do. He is well aware of how a man that is preparing for children should behave.
You need to give yourself permission to allow others to worry about you. Your reaction to your cousin is still coming from place of trying to protect your husband vs. allowing him to reap what he has chosen to sow (which is nothing). You've gone well above agape love at this point and I wish his mother and sister were more forthcoming a lot sooner but you may not have been ready to hear it.
What I appreciate reading through all of this from afar is you have been more than fair in your depiction of him here. Many times people post situations so one sided that its hard to see how they got into a relationship at all. In spite of all that I've written here I still don't think he's a bad man but he's not the man for you. Were there flags you ignored? Possibly but that's neither here nor there. I don't see what more you can do when he's shown you that he's unwilling to change.
I don't think anymore talking needs to happen. Your husband knows what you want. He doesn't need to read any books that you have. Labeling his actions doesn't make what he has done excusable or right. You've told him what you need. Be prepared that once you do begin to enforce your separation he will panic and come back with promises and a plan. Don't let his words for the future discount what his past and current actions have already shown you.
Move in faith. God can't give you the gift of overcoming if you stay where you are. I'm praying whatever the answer is for you that you are open to receiving and acting on it. If you updated with a complete turnaround on his part I'd be happy for you. But please don't let fear of the unknown keep you stuck where you're not thriving. Also, when you are ready confide in your friends. Even just one that you give permission to let the others know what is really going on. You deserve to be surrounded by love and support. There is no reason to hide or be ashamed. You did nothing wrong.
(I think Joel Olsteen is ok for those that have a strong foundation in the Bible because you can discern where he glosses over and still appreciate the message. If you were a newbie to the faith I'd be more leery.)
I think you're starting to overthink this. Keep this all simple. Your husbands actions do not match his words.
He's a college educated man. He is well aware of changes that happen in the job market. If his field has changed how have the others that graduated with his major fared? Are they all unemployed or have they made appropriate changes? (These are rhetorical questions. On some level you have to accept that he is choosing to behave this way. The reasons are not yours to figure out).
I don't know if you watch Being Mary Jane but there was a scene in last week's episode where her brother discusses with her a certain type of man that is loathe to work for anything because he's had everything handed to him. When he's grown up with private school, ivy educated, well paid etc., they don't have to "fight" for women or things because usually when option goes another comes their way often without trying. They know they are "hot commodities" and this leads to an arrogance and laziness on their part. On some level your husband believes he doesn't have to do anything more for you and your allowing him to stay has reinforced that.
Unlike others, I don't think he is in any way homosexual or effeminate. (Most of the gay men I know work hard because they have very expensive tastes but that's for another thread.) There are many masculine men who love to cook and are giving to their wives. I think that he is well aware of your "language" even if you aren't and he uses it to manipulate you into what he wants - a mother caring for him not a wife who is looking to him to "head" the household. (What you wrote here doesn't match up with what you say the test said).
An oldest boy who grew up in a family of workers is well aware of what he needs to do. He is well aware of how a man that is preparing for children should behave.
You need to give yourself permission to allow others to worry about you. Your reaction to your cousin is still coming from place of trying to protect your husband vs. allowing him to reap what he has chosen to sow (which is nothing). You've gone well above agape love at this point and I wish his mother and sister were more forthcoming a lot sooner but you may not have been ready to hear it.
What I appreciate reading through all of this from afar is you have been more than fair in your depiction of him here. Many times people post situations so one sided that its hard to see how they got into a relationship at all. In spite of all that I've written here I still don't think he's a bad man but he's not the man for you. Were there flags you ignored? Possibly but that's neither here nor there. I don't see what more you can do when he's shown you that he's unwilling to change.
I don't think anymore talking needs to happen. Your husband knows what you want. He doesn't need to read any books that you have. Labeling his actions doesn't make what he has done excusable or right. You've told him what you need. Be prepared that once you do begin to enforce your separation he will panic and come back with promises and a plan. Don't let his words for the future discount what his past and current actions have already shown you.
Move in faith. God can't give you the gift of overcoming if you stay where you are. I'm praying whatever the answer is for you that you are open to receiving and acting on it. If you updated with a complete turnaround on his part I'd be happy for you. But please don't let fear of the unknown keep you stuck where you're not thriving. Also, when you are ready confide in your friends. Even just one that you give permission to let the others know what is really going on. You deserve to be surrounded by love and support. There is no reason to hide or be ashamed. You did nothing wrong.
(I think Joel Olsteen is ok for those that have a strong foundation in the Bible because you can discern where he glosses over and still appreciate the message. If you were a newbie to the faith I'd be more leery.)
Still working on it. It's faring alright! I definitely should not be posting as much as I am right now, though. I'm posting so, I believe, because I've just been holding so much of this inside -- rolling around in my heart and head -- driving me crazy almost. When I dump via posts, my mind is cleared for thinking and writing my paper, if that makes any sense.
But . . . I am DEFINITELY not being disciplined enough. Need to go cold turkey on the internet for sure, just for a spell.
Thank you!
I remember when I was gradually getting news of his co-workers new jobs. I was so frustrated and had the thought above. All that has sadly gotten washed away into worry. But, yes: They have adjusted. Sadly, I think what I'm doing here on this thread is hunting for responses like this that help me think straight again, because I'm having a hard time with circular thinking right now. When I read words such as those just above, I nod and feel so strengthened. I think I've lost a lot of my strength, and I'm trying to get it back, partially here. I should visit LHCF less and definitely post less at this moment (because of the paper), but that's part of the reason why I haven't: The gained strength means so much. Because the felt weakness has truly been debilitating. Yes, saw it (I don't really watch that show, so it's crazy that I saw it. I needed something to give my mind a break from writing the paper, and chose that episode to see what the show was about. MJ's brother said, "You got a buster, but that's okay." And some things about a man not having to show up, work hard for you, etc. I was listening! Yeah! Thanks! 
That's what I say, because the homosexual accusations do get a little concerning/distracting sometimes.Oh, @bklynbornNbred! Hugs, hugs, hugs, hugs, hugs. See, I think that everything you are saying is what I believe but don't want to permit myself to believe. It's the truth that I want to live in COMFORTABLY, but won't quite let myself, at least not without a lot of angst. Thank you for saying that he's a good man but perhaps just not for me. That's empowering for me as I've been so conflicted. That dissipates it a lot.
I really can't express how much I appreciate this post and you and you taking the time. I go back and forth about being glad about the thread and concerned that it's such a mental dump, but everyone's posts and PMs have made it worth it.
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Okay, sisters.
Folks are right: I'm ruminating a bit too much, promised myself I'd focus on my writing, and need to get offline!
It's Tuesday, October 27th. Paper is due on the 30th. I pledge to myself to not post at LHCF until this paper is done. If this situation is truly NOT my identity, then refraining from posting should be quite doable, yes?
Alrighty, then.
Until after the paper is submitted.
Bless you all!
Folks are right: I'm ruminating a bit too much, promised myself I'd focus on my writing, and need to get offline!
It's Tuesday, October 27th. Paper is due on the 30th. I pledge to myself to not post at LHCF until this paper is done. If this situation is truly NOT my identity, then refraining from posting should be quite doable, yes?
Alrighty, then.
Until after the paper is submitted.
Bless you all!
C@ssandr@
formerly known as "keyawarren"
SelahOco
Well-Known Member
Op, I thought I was a thinker. You think thru evrrything and are so logical and considerate. I've enjoyed reading your thought process.
I am learning that people will move on when they are ready to let go. And when you really let go, regrets subside, overthinking stops, and you focus on building your vision for your future.
God knows you're struggling with this. I think it is beautiful that you're moving forward scripturally.
I came to say that my grand mother in law wondered if her dh ever loved her because he would not work. They had 4 kids and he was a wonderful caretaker for them. He cooked, cleaned, made lunches, did hair...but he would not work.
Grandma told me that in her old age she can see how that could have worked, but she was so stuck on what other people were saying and what she was used to seeing in her home. She said looking back, it could have been a happy arrangement.
I realized listening to her that she may have accepted the arrangement had her husband been honest and talked to her about it. I think she felt forced into 'taking care of him' and never saw his contribution as a fair exchange. And it wasn't because they didn't both agree to it.
My DH works constantly. And I have a demanding career too. Sometimes, I wish one of us could stay home and if he would do it, I would let him. He probably wouldn't go for it and honestly, knowing that probably makes me more open to the idea.
No woman wants to feel that she is with a man who won't work for her. And if you want a husband who provides, you should have what you want.
I only share these stories because I'm always touched when a woman talks about how much her husband does for her. He seems like he is making you happy in nearly every way. If you had 4 kids and he held down the fort at home, could you ever see yourself and him being cool with that?
The CEO of one of our hospital systems here says her DH quit his job to stay home because she had the better, more agressive career. Her children love the arrangement.
If it's not what you want, then by all means disgard this entire comment. But I do wonder why he is reaisting work (arrogance, lazy, depression, fear, etc.) and what a different discussion might uncover if yall had it. Is there any way in which you wouldn't feel used or resent him staying home? Is there any way that it could benefit you/your career/your finances once kids and child care expenses come into play?
Would you trust him to keep your home in order? Would you still be attracted to him if he was an effective stay at home dad?
Just food for thought really.
I am learning that people will move on when they are ready to let go. And when you really let go, regrets subside, overthinking stops, and you focus on building your vision for your future.
God knows you're struggling with this. I think it is beautiful that you're moving forward scripturally.
I came to say that my grand mother in law wondered if her dh ever loved her because he would not work. They had 4 kids and he was a wonderful caretaker for them. He cooked, cleaned, made lunches, did hair...but he would not work.
Grandma told me that in her old age she can see how that could have worked, but she was so stuck on what other people were saying and what she was used to seeing in her home. She said looking back, it could have been a happy arrangement.
I realized listening to her that she may have accepted the arrangement had her husband been honest and talked to her about it. I think she felt forced into 'taking care of him' and never saw his contribution as a fair exchange. And it wasn't because they didn't both agree to it.
My DH works constantly. And I have a demanding career too. Sometimes, I wish one of us could stay home and if he would do it, I would let him. He probably wouldn't go for it and honestly, knowing that probably makes me more open to the idea.
No woman wants to feel that she is with a man who won't work for her. And if you want a husband who provides, you should have what you want.
I only share these stories because I'm always touched when a woman talks about how much her husband does for her. He seems like he is making you happy in nearly every way. If you had 4 kids and he held down the fort at home, could you ever see yourself and him being cool with that?
The CEO of one of our hospital systems here says her DH quit his job to stay home because she had the better, more agressive career. Her children love the arrangement.
If it's not what you want, then by all means disgard this entire comment. But I do wonder why he is reaisting work (arrogance, lazy, depression, fear, etc.) and what a different discussion might uncover if yall had it. Is there any way in which you wouldn't feel used or resent him staying home? Is there any way that it could benefit you/your career/your finances once kids and child care expenses come into play?
Would you trust him to keep your home in order? Would you still be attracted to him if he was an effective stay at home dad?
Just food for thought really.
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Layluh
Well-Known Member
Thank you so much. What a BEAUTIFUL post. 
Thanks!
Mm. You expressing that helps. The constant rumination: It'll stop when I'm just . . . ready.
Silent streaming tears. Thanks.
I feel he just decided, "Uggh. Working feels bad. But . . . You know what? I think I can get away with NOT working with this chick. I think I just might be able to! I'll just play word games with her ["you're too stressful to me for me to show you where I've applied"], do what I'm already good at doing [mopping, washing dishes, vaccuming, etc.], and let her tale run out and keep the lights. Yeah. I think I can do what I want to do, with THIS chick. Yeah!"
Now, he may not have that attitude along with those actions at all. But those actions speak such an attitude to me. The disrespect this represents from him toward me and my life and my dreams . . . it literally takes the breath out of me. To be this chick . . . it is one of the most self-esteem eroding things I've ever experienced. Can't believe my husband is the source of it. Doesn't seem to vibe with the definition/role "husband." I'm sure he's not even thinking or caring about that. He's just trying to keep this thing going for himself and doesn't have time/perspective to think about what this does to my feelings/soul.
Short of leaving, I certainly feel I am "forced" into taking care of him. My old roommate would NEVER have just stayed at the house, expected me to go out and work, expected me to provide her with food and internet and water and clothes and cell phone . . .
If we had 2 kids and he held down the fort at home I could see myself . . . not exactly being cool with it but dealing and saying, "
Okay. This works while the kids are not of school age."
But we have ZERO kids. So it's just a man sitting at home while the woman goes out and provides him a home, food, clothes, internet . . . Wooooooooo. I just lost my breath again.
Sometimes I look at DH and think, "
So, if you didn't KNOW me, what would you do? I mean, you're going to eat, just not on YOUR dime?" 
I was directing a learning center, and it was a pretty peaceful job compared to teaching in public school. Still, it disturbed me everyday that I would get up and see DH
while I showered, drove off to work, dealt with people, and earned that small salary that he cared not to supplement. I can only IMAGINE how I'd feel after going back to work full time as a public school educator watching DH playing video games as I scurry back-and-forth to work and teacher's meetings and professional development, etc.
It's terrible and soul-killing to give your body to someone whose actions keep letting you know: Your life and dreams and well-being are not worth me expending my body's energy on. But give me yours . . . AND go out and use yours to get us some food and pay our bills. See you when you get back, because, as you know, I'll be here!
And he may not have that flippant attitude at all. His actions reflect so, though, and it just FEELS that way after so long, now, and after so much side-stepping work-avoiding phraseology from him.
This was me financially, being in graduate school and working and dealing with my Harvard debt:
. His response in words and action? To support me 100% by helping me with MY job . . . but for sure not getting/having one himself.
Thank you for the food for thought. I really do wish I could be one of those women who do it, because that's one way that the problem just disappears. But I'm in education. It's grueling and doesn't pay much. I do need my spouse to also work. If I could've afforded things on my own, I probably would have had a child.
I love your post. Very sweet. Very thoughtful. Thank you for it!
Thanks!
Mm. You expressing that helps. The constant rumination: It'll stop when I'm just . . . ready.
Silent streaming tears. Thanks.
I feel he just decided, "Uggh. Working feels bad. But . . . You know what? I think I can get away with NOT working with this chick. I think I just might be able to! I'll just play word games with her ["you're too stressful to me for me to show you where I've applied"], do what I'm already good at doing [mopping, washing dishes, vaccuming, etc.], and let her tale run out and keep the lights. Yeah. I think I can do what I want to do, with THIS chick. Yeah!
" Now, he may not have that attitude along with those actions at all. But those actions speak such an attitude to me. The disrespect this represents from him toward me and my life and my dreams . . . it literally takes the breath out of me. To be this chick . . . it is one of the most self-esteem eroding things I've ever experienced. Can't believe my husband is the source of it. Doesn't seem to vibe with the definition/role "husband." I'm sure he's not even thinking or caring about that. He's just trying to keep this thing going for himself and doesn't have time/perspective to think about what this does to my feelings/soul.
Short of leaving, I certainly feel I am "forced" into taking care of him. My old roommate would NEVER have just stayed at the house, expected me to go out and work, expected me to provide her with food and internet and water and clothes and cell phone . . .
If we had 2 kids and he held down the fort at home I could see myself . . . not exactly being cool with it but dealing and saying, "
Okay. This works while the kids are not of school age."But we have ZERO kids. So it's just a man sitting at home while the woman goes out and provides him a home, food, clothes, internet . . . Wooooooooo. I just lost my breath again.
Sometimes I look at DH and think, "
So, if you didn't KNOW me, what would you do? I mean, you're going to eat, just not on YOUR dime?" I was directing a learning center, and it was a pretty peaceful job compared to teaching in public school. Still, it disturbed me everyday that I would get up and see DH
while I showered, drove off to work, dealt with people, and earned that small salary that he cared not to supplement. I can only IMAGINE how I'd feel after going back to work full time as a public school educator watching DH playing video games as I scurry back-and-forth to work and teacher's meetings and professional development, etc.It's terrible and soul-killing to give your body to someone whose actions keep letting you know: Your life and dreams and well-being are not worth me expending my body's energy on. But give me yours . . . AND go out and use yours to get us some food and pay our bills. See you when you get back, because, as you know, I'll be here!
And he may not have that flippant attitude at all. His actions reflect so, though, and it just FEELS that way after so long, now, and after so much side-stepping work-avoiding phraseology from him.
This was me financially, being in graduate school and working and dealing with my Harvard debt:
. His response in words and action? To support me 100% by helping me with MY job . . . but for sure not getting/having one himself.Thank you for the food for thought. I really do wish I could be one of those women who do it, because that's one way that the problem just disappears. But I'm in education. It's grueling and doesn't pay much. I do need my spouse to also work. If I could've afforded things on my own, I probably would have had a child.
I love your post. Very sweet. Very thoughtful. Thank you for it!
Well . . . if I took some time to switch into a more lucrative career and then we had kids and he took care of the home, I could deal.
BUT . . . not if I had to fund his life WHILE making the career switch (me working + me going to school + me feeding him). We'd have to separate for the 5 years the career changes requires, I'd have to NOT be the person feeding him for those 5 years, we'd have to reunite AND HAVE CHILDREN . . . and then I could say, "Money is not a stressor so I don't look to him to work. And besides, someone should stay home with the kids and he does an amazing job at it."
That's one of the reasons that I feel like we need to separate: Even though I now unexpectedly have these 2 nephews in my care, maybe I can still gradually transition into healthcare. One teacher did it! She just used the summers. Took her 5-6 years instead of . . . like . . . 3-4, I guess. But I know myself: I won't be able to provide for DH's livelihood with any sense of peace while also taking on the challenge of working and attending school.
I'm even worried about re-entering teaching: I can see the resentment and sense of "injury" going through the roof! Maybe better to just accept what DH is showing me and say, "Okay. Cool. Don't work. Fine. I gotta let go. I gotta stop torturing myself. I gotta leave you alone about all of this."
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SelahOco
Well-Known Member
You have a degree from Harvard? He ain't letting you go child. You're going to have to shake him. I know you'd have to shake me. 
You know in your heart what you must do. I know it is hard. But everything WILL work out for your good. And his too. He may finally get his ish together.
You know in your heart what you must do. I know it is hard. But everything WILL work out for your good. And his too. He may finally get his ish together.
You have a degree from Harvard? He ain't letting you go child. You're going to have to shake him. I know you'd have to shake me.
You know in your heart what you must do. I know it is hard. But everything WILL work out for your good. And his too. He may finally get his ish together.
I make the same salary as the teachers with a state college degree, LOL!
Thanks for asking!
Very unpolished, but all the ideas are there. So, hoping I get the green light to clean it up. Exciting!
SelahOco
Well-Known Member
I make the same salary as the teachers with a state college degree, LOL!
For now
. I'll check back in 10 years and see what youre doing.For now
This is the first time I've smiled and laughed out loud in a while. You are funny! Love you!
It's funny: The cousins in my family are very numerous and all very close. They are all balling! I'm the only one who went to the Ivy League, and I'm homeless and my spouse won't work!
Aaaaaaah. SMH.It is SO hard for me to write this, but I think I let this problem consume me instead of focusing on being on point.
Oh, GOSH, that makes me CRY. I need to get myself together and shake this identity/situation. It's like this thing has gotten IN me. I'm scared I can't shake this.
I'm scared it's getting too late.
ETA
Let me end on the positive though: One of my baller cousins said he'll invest in a learning center franchise with me. Friends and family were like, "That's it! That's the solution! You know your spouse will work his heart and soul out for you at that center. Do it!"
SelahOco
Well-Known Member
That might be the solution. If that is what you want to do and if you want to keep him (as is).
This is the first time I've smiled and laughed out loud in a while. You are funny! Love you!
It's funny: The cousins in my family are very numerous and all very close. They are all balling! I'm the only one who went to the Ivy League, and I'm homeless and my spouse won't work!
It is SO hard for me to write this, but I think I let this problem consume me instead of focusing on being on point.
Oh, GOSH, that makes me CRY. I need to get myself together and shake this identity/situation. It's like this thing has gotten IN me. I'm scared I can't shake this.
I'm scared it's getting too late.
ETA
Let me end on the positive though: One of my baller cousins said he'll invest in a learning center franchise with me. Friends and family were like, "That's it! That's the solution! You know your spouse will work his heart and soul out for you at that center. Do it!"
But don't feel you need to solve his problems or create opportunities for him. You don't have to fix him.
I have been married for 11 years and I spent the beginning of it being a victim to behavior I didn't like in my husband. I realized one day that I was hiding behind him being the 'bad guy.' As long as I had the 'problem of him' i stayed too busy to focus on myself. I stayed to busy to woman up and stand up for myself, and risk ending my marriage. So I endured things that were wrong for me. I enabled him. I was a martyr because it was easier than admitting my own fears and insecurities.
I'm not suggesting that this is you. I just present it in case you see yourself in my situation.
You'll know what's right and when you are completely at peace with your decision. You will be so resolute (either way) that no one will deter you. But as long as you're wrestling with your inner voice...that something in your spirit that says 'naw son' you will keep taking the test....till you learn whatever lesson you're supposed to get from this.
My best friend used to ask me "Selah...what is the lesson in this. What are you supposed to learn."
After a couple of years I knew the answer. I had to learn to trust myself more than I trust other people. Because my intuition is usually right, but I kept giving way to someone else's will, views and ideas of me. All along I knew the truth and set it aside in self doubt.
You contemplate. But inside ypu already know what you will do. And you will do it today or 20 years from now.
Trust yourself. God made you. You're not wrong.
During my marathon writing sessions, DH kept both nephews alone while I spent days away. He changed diapers. Bathed them. Did their school work with them. Fed them. Read teachers' notes. Created extra problems to help nephew's struggles in math. Asked me if he was writing them okay (I'm a math teacher). Found apps on the tablet to keep nephew entertained. Called me to root for me, "You got this! Keep writing! How's it going? Remember, it's okay not to be perfect. The kids are fine. You just keep writing!"
The woman who doesn't need a man to work would LOVE THIS MAN.
The woman who doesn't need a man to work would LOVE THIS MAN.
Yes, I think I grew up trained to believe that my salary (as a woman) was optional. I grew up thinking that as a married woman, I was just there to support and be a "helper." When I saw that my husband wasn't providing, I didn't woman up: I just became a perpetual prodder . . . and a victim.
I would NEVER have behaved the way I behaved . . . career-wise . . . had I been a single woman. And I can't really blame that on him. I chose to stay in the role of husband-prodder.
And then -- and I always get a really weird, prickly feeling in my neck when I admit this, even mentally -- I didn't want to be too successful. Something in me thought, "Well, that'll just make this WORSE." So instead, I said, "See, husband. I don't make a lot. What are you going to do?" And this is REALLY weird: The more money I make, the better he lives FOR FREE and the less need there would be for him to work. So in some CRAZY kind of way, I wasn't motivated to take on higher responsibility jobs that paid more.
I just wanted the liberty of working in my field, which is only lucrative if you jump out there and take the risk to own a learning center. I didn't want to worry about our financial success. I wanted my husband to do all that. I just wanted my salary to be "extra."
So now I "get" to be the whiner, "Well . . . we would be doing better except DH won't . . . "
Or I "get" to say, "Well, I'd be further along if it wasn't for my situation . . ."
The one thing I can say after saying all of that is this: You never could have CONVINCED ME that he would not use his brilliant brain to go out hard and earn money for us when he saw that I wasn't doing it. But now, my age has me PETRIFIED. Petrified enough to say, "Okay. No more playing around. How do I get the life I want? How DO I do this by myself?"
I should have just worked to be uber successful regardless, I know. My two besties from college did that. I'm hoping I get the chance to move from regret in this area to victory in this area. I feel so BEHIND, time-wise. But if I'm at least IN ROUTE . . .
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