Reflection
This all is so much mental and emotional work.
Simplicity.
I need that right now.
This all is so much mental and emotional work.
Simplicity.
I need that right now.
Reflection
This all is so much mental and emotional work.
Simplicity.
I need that right now.
My heart is telling me, "Maybe he doesn't want to be here, in this situation with me? Maybe he's not interested in working hard with me and won't leave because he'd feel he was abandoning me (to take care of the nephews alone, etc.) or because he likes free food, phone, internet, etc. Maybe he really wants to leave, doesn't want to be in this, and that's part of what makes it hard for him to sacrifice (go to work) for us?"
Not telling you to leave or stay ... But, if you leave him, he will have no choice but to get a job. No other family member will allow him to not work and live with them for as long. He won't have a choice.
I wish you were right, but I have evidence to the contrary. Most everyone thinks he will just cycle through his family: Few years with mom and dad again, few years with brother number 1, few years with brother number 2 . . . there's an empty, paid-for house in the family so he might go there if they were ever to get internet . . .
That's why I'm hoping THIS time he goes to stay with his aunt in an entirely different state, if he ends up moving and all. I hear she is no nonsense, but I don't know. Prayers, prayers, prayers.
Do you think they would all be willing to take him in one after another? Also, how does his mom feel about him not working? Has she ever talked to you about it? Have any of his relatives said anything to you about it? Just curious.
Do you think they would all be willing to take him in one after another? Also, how does his mom feel about him not working? Has she ever talked to you about it? Have any of his relatives said anything to you about it? Just curious.
My mom sees the pain I'm in. She asked me, "I know it's far-fetched and out there, but could you just work and let him take care of the children you would have, just so you get to be a mother?" I wish I could! I just can't. It just kills me. I just . . . can't.
Im glad you were able to open up and converse with your husband. I think the next conversation shouldn't be about him going out to find work and why he isn't working, it's putting stress and strain on your relationship. It's clear he is uncomfortable with not being able to provide for you and it doesn't help that your tone confirms your disgust with him.
Work on building your man's confidence in himself and in you. When you come home from work greet him with a hug and kiss. Look excited about coming home to him. Ask him about his day ( even though in your mind you may be thinking "all you did was stay home and do nothing" lol). Show him encouragement, praise him for the good that he has done for you and continue to pray for your situation. Also pray that you have restored faith in your man, love on him. Don't make the lack of employment festure in your mind. He will do right by you. It shows that he wants to but there is a block. Be the catalyst to remove it. Best of luck to the both of you
I thought you were working on your paper???
But you have been clear that you are not ok and that's fine. You are slowly giving yourself permission to put yourself and your needs first.
@mysblossom First belated Birthday Blessing to you!
He's a college educated man. He is well aware of changes that happen in the job market. If his field has changed how have the others that graduated with his major fared? Are they all unemployed or have they made appropriate changes? (These are rhetorical questions. On some level you have to accept that he is choosing to behave this way. The reasons are not yours to figure out).
I don't know if you watch Being Mary Jane but there was a scene in last week's episode where her brother discusses with her a certain type of man that is loathe to work for anything because he's had everything handed to him.
There are many masculine men who love to cook and are giving to their wives.
An oldest boy who grew up in a family of workers is well aware of what he needs to do. He is well aware of how a man that is preparing for children should behave.
You need to give yourself permission to allow others to worry about you. Your reaction to your cousin is still coming from place of trying to protect your husband vs. allowing him to reap what he has chosen to sow (which is nothing). You've gone well above agape love at this point and I wish his mother and sister were more forthcoming a lot sooner but you may not have been ready to hear it.
What I appreciate reading through all of this from afar is you have been more than fair in your depiction of him here. Many times people post situations so one sided that its hard to see how they got into a relationship at all. In spite of all that I've written here I still don't think he's a bad man but he's not the man for you. Were there flags you ignored? Possibly but that's neither here nor there. I don't see what more you can do when he's shown you that he's unwilling to change.
I don't think anymore talking needs to happen. Your husband knows what you want. He doesn't need to read any books that you have. Labeling his actions doesn't make what he has done excusable or right. You've told him what you need. Be prepared that once you do begin to enforce your separation he will panic and come back with promises and a plan. Don't let his words for the future discount what his past and current actions have already shown you.
Move in faith. God can't give you the gift of overcoming if you stay where you are. I'm praying whatever the answer is for you that you are open to receiving and acting on it. If you updated with a complete turnaround on his part I'd be happy for you. But please don't let fear of the unknown keep you stuck where you're not thriving. Also, when you are ready confide in your friends. Even just one that you give permission to let the others know what is really going on. You deserve to be surrounded by love and support. There is no reason to hide or be ashamed. You did nothing wrong.
(I think Joel Olsteen is ok for those that have a strong foundation in the Bible because you can discern where he glosses over and still appreciate the message. If you were a newbie to the faith I'd be more leery.)
@mysblossom First belated Birthday Blessing to you!
I think you're starting to overthink this. Keep this all simple. Your husbands actions do not match his words.
He's a college educated man. He is well aware of changes that happen in the job market. If his field has changed how have the others that graduated with his major fared? Are they all unemployed or have they made appropriate changes? (These are rhetorical questions. On some level you have to accept that he is choosing to behave this way. The reasons are not yours to figure out).
I don't know if you watch Being Mary Jane but there was a scene in last week's episode where her brother discusses with her a certain type of man that is loathe to work for anything because he's had everything handed to him. When he's grown up with private school, ivy educated, well paid etc., they don't have to "fight" for women or things because usually when option goes another comes their way often without trying. They know they are "hot commodities" and this leads to an arrogance and laziness on their part. On some level your husband believes he doesn't have to do anything more for you and your allowing him to stay has reinforced that.
Unlike others, I don't think he is in any way homosexual or effeminate. (Most of the gay men I know work hard because they have very expensive tastes but that's for another thread.) There are many masculine men who love to cook and are giving to their wives. I think that he is well aware of your "language" even if you aren't and he uses it to manipulate you into what he wants - a mother caring for him not a wife who is looking to him to "head" the household. (What you wrote here doesn't match up with what you say the test said).
An oldest boy who grew up in a family of workers is well aware of what he needs to do. He is well aware of how a man that is preparing for children should behave.
You need to give yourself permission to allow others to worry about you. Your reaction to your cousin is still coming from place of trying to protect your husband vs. allowing him to reap what he has chosen to sow (which is nothing). You've gone well above agape love at this point and I wish his mother and sister were more forthcoming a lot sooner but you may not have been ready to hear it.
What I appreciate reading through all of this from afar is you have been more than fair in your depiction of him here. Many times people post situations so one sided that its hard to see how they got into a relationship at all. In spite of all that I've written here I still don't think he's a bad man but he's not the man for you. Were there flags you ignored? Possibly but that's neither here nor there. I don't see what more you can do when he's shown you that he's unwilling to change.
I don't think anymore talking needs to happen. Your husband knows what you want. He doesn't need to read any books that you have. Labeling his actions doesn't make what he has done excusable or right. You've told him what you need. Be prepared that once you do begin to enforce your separation he will panic and come back with promises and a plan. Don't let his words for the future discount what his past and current actions have already shown you.
Move in faith. God can't give you the gift of overcoming if you stay where you are. I'm praying whatever the answer is for you that you are open to receiving and acting on it. If you updated with a complete turnaround on his part I'd be happy for you. But please don't let fear of the unknown keep you stuck where you're not thriving. Also, when you are ready confide in your friends. Even just one that you give permission to let the others know what is really going on. You deserve to be surrounded by love and support. There is no reason to hide or be ashamed. You did nothing wrong.
(I think Joel Olsteen is ok for those that have a strong foundation in the Bible because you can discern where he glosses over and still appreciate the message. If you were a newbie to the faith I'd be more leery.)
Op, I thought I was a thinker. You think thru evrrything and are so logical and considerate. I've enjoyed reading your thought process.
I am learning that people will move on when they are ready to let go. And when you really let go, regrets subside, overthinking stops, and you focus on building your vision for your future.
God knows you're struggling with this. I think it is beautiful that you're moving forward scripturally.
Grandma told me that in her old age she can see how that could have worked, but she was so stuck on what other people were saying and what she was used to seeing in her home. She said looking back, it could have been a happy arrangement.
I realized listening to her that she may have accepted the arrangement had her husband been honest and talked to her about it. I think she felt forced into 'taking care of him' and never saw his contribution as a fair exchange. And it wasn't because they didn't both agree to it.
I realized listening to her that she may have accepted the arrangement had her husband been honest and talked to her about it. I think she felt forced into 'taking care of him' and never saw his contribution as a fair exchange. And it wasn't because they didn't both agree to it.
. . .
I only share these stories because I'm always touched when a woman talks about how much her husband does for her. He seems like he is making you happy in nearly every way. If you had 4 kids and he held down the fort at home, could you ever see yourself and him being cool with that?
If it's not what you want, then by all means disgard this entire comment. But I do wonder why he is reaisting work (arrogance, lazy, depression, fear, etc.) and what a different discussion might uncover if yall had it. Is there any way in which you wouldn't feel used or resent him staying home? Is there any way that it could benefit you/your career/your finances once kids and child care expenses come into play?
Would you trust him to keep your home in order? Would you still be attracted to him if he was an effective stay at home dad?
Just food for thought really.
You have a degree from Harvard? He ain't letting you go child. You're going to have to shake him. I know you'd have to shake me.
You know in your heart what you must do. I know it is hard. But everything WILL work out for your good. And his too. He may finally get his ish together.
How did your paper turn out?
I make the same salary as the teachers with a state college degree, LOL!
For now . I'll check back in 10 years.
That might be the solution. If that is what you want to do and if you want to keep him (as is).
This is the first time I've smiled and laughed out loud in a while. You are funny! Love you!
It's funny: The cousins in my family are very numerous and all very close. They are all balling! I'm the only one who went to the Ivy League, and I'm homeless and my spouse won't work! Aaaaaaah. SMH.
It is SO hard for me to write this, but I think I let this problem consume me instead of focusing on being on point.
Oh, GOSH, that makes me CRY. I need to get myself together and shake this identity/situation. It's like this thing has gotten IN me. I'm scared I can't shake this.
I'm scared it's getting too late.
ETA
Let me end on the positive though: One of my baller cousins said he'll invest in a learning center franchise with me. Friends and family were like, "That's it! That's the solution! You know your spouse will work his heart and soul out for you at that center. Do it!"
That might be the solution. If that is what you want to do and if you want to keep him (as is).
But don't feel you need to solve his problems or create opportunities for him. You don't have to fix him.
I have been married for 11 years and I spent the beginning of it being a victim to behavior I didn't like in my husband. I realized one day that I was hiding behind him being the 'bad guy.' As long as I had the 'problem of him' i stayed too busy to focus on myself. I stayed to busy to woman up and stand up for myself, and risk ending my marriage. So I endured things that were wrong for me. I enabled him. I was a martyr because it was easier than admitting my own fears and insecurities.
I'm not suggesting that this is you. I just present it in case you see yourself in my situation.
You'll know what's right and when you are completely at peace with your decision. You will be so resolute (either way) that no one will deter you. But as long as you're wrestling with your inner voice...that something in your spirit that says 'naw son' you will keep taking the test....till you learn whatever lesson you're supposed to get from this.
My best friend used to ask me "Selah...what is the lesson in this. What are you supposed to learn."
After a couple of years I knew the answer. I had to learn to trust myself more than I trust other people. Because my intuition is usually right, but I kept giving way to someone else's will, views and ideas of me. All along I knew the truth and set it aside in self doubt.
You contemplate. But inside ypu already know what you will do. And you will do it today or 20 years from now.
Trust yourself. God made you. You're not wrong.