WHAT I REALLY THINK IS GOING ON, and WHETHER I COULD JUST ACCEPT a NON-WORKING HUSBAND
- I think my spouse got a taste of staying at home while I paid the bills and discovered that not working is more fun to him than working.
- I think he got USED to staying at home all day and doesn't want to be bothered with working, ESPECIALLY since I can afford an apartment for us, food for us, etc., etc.
- Because he doesn't need a home or children, because that would require that he HELP ME, he DEFINITELY has no interest in getting out there and making enough money for us to get pregnant, get a home, etc.
I wasn't planning on getting too deep into what I write below, but you can imagine that my husband's changed values and behavior had me FLOORED and PERPLEXED. I read scores of books, went to counseling, constantly talk with my marriage counselor psychologist friend, etc.
So here's what I REALLY think is the problem:
First, throw away your conception of what you THINK narcissism is/means. There is the lay person's use of the term, then there is the clinical meaning of the term. They are very, very, very, very different.
I believe my husband is a very sweet and kind person who has the clinical version of narcissism. As a result, I believe he has shut down work-wise. It is easier for him to stay away from that world and live in a fake world he creates to live in that doesn't confront his unemployment and what that might say about him.
I read the book "Narcissistic Lovers" and said "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Wow. Okay. THERE IS MY SPOUSE. He was injured as a child, and now he cannot handle situations that make him feel 'less than.'" Now I know why he works so hard not to keep butting up against an employment issue that makes him feel less than.
While I have great, great, GREAT sympathy for this, I'll be honest: I have a Harvard degree and I just work WHATEVER JOB. I have worked some really low-level jobs. I don't get to excuse myself from working.
No matter how well I believe I understand what's going on, I'm just not the kind of person that can handle going out to work all day while a man sits at home, even if he does all the housework and cooking and all. To be honest with you, even if he made only $15,000/year I could deal with that, though I'd be frustrated. It's the not working at all? At all? Who gets that luxury? I feel lived off of. And it won't go away.
My mom sees the pain I'm in. She asked me, "I know it's far-fetched and out there, but could you just work and let him take care of the children you would have, just so you get to be a mother?" I wish I could! I just can't. It just kills me. I just . . . can't.