Is your dh the youngest son/child in his family?
No . . . He is the second oldest of five. The oldest male. His older sister has some kind of development issue, so he was like the oldest.
Is your dh the youngest son/child in his family?
No . . . He is the second oldest of five. The oldest male. His older sister has some kind of development issue, so he was like the oldest.
A few people in my life have asked me if he might be a homosexual. They told me, "I don't mean ANY harm, but do you think he might be a closet homosexual?"
I can't imagine so. Like not at all. Excuse my bluntness, but he likes vijayjay too much.
But for the sake of argument imagine he is. I would still expect him to work!!! Women work. Homosexual men work. I just . . . Aaaaaaaaagh! (smh and giving a wry smile)
Very interesting. First born sons are usually take charge over achievers.
This is very interesting. He may not be homosexual but goodness he is extremely feminine from what you have described. WHATEVER his issue is, stay focused on YOU. You could go on for years trying to figure out what's up with him, why he does this and that. Heal YOUR heart, pursue your dreams. I know I wouldn't let no man keep me from being a mother.
Yes.
I am opening my mind, given the situation now, to other ways of becoming a mother AFTER I get myself together. Black children need healthy homes. If I become a mother, I want it to be a good situation for the child and not just be about my desire.
I have quite a few adoptions in my family. And who knows? If I triumph over this situation in a timely fashion, I may even get to have my own.
You made the best decision you could with the knowledge and experience you had at the time.
You sharing may help someone else.
Hi. Thank you so much for the message. I've been at the hair salon getting my hair done for my birthday, so I have time to respond while I'm under the dryer.
He grew up watching all the men around him work and take care of their families. His dad continues to work in a separate city from the mom, but they are together. He comes home on the weekends.
My spouse has two brothers. They work and take care of their families.
I get you, I used to be a permissive person because I confused it with being a loving and understanding partner (it isn't). Unfortunately, those of us who act like this do put ourselves in a pickle because people understand we will default to being loving and understanding rather than firm and erect the boundaries that we need to make ourselves secure and taken care of. From now on, you need to offer that same love and understanding to yourself and allow yourself to say "no" to situations that only serve to take away from the life you wish to build.
Wow, well it seems that you have done all you can. I'd suggest going to counseling one last time, but this time, he does not get to op-out of it. If he refuses, then you tell him that you will initiate separation. Counseling could help him get to the bottom of what his real issues are, while helping him improve his confidence, and empowering him to do what he needs to do. It would hopefully help you and him repair the marriage. Good luck, God bless.
Well, I have not done a good job of refraining from posting!
I know it's because my heart and mind are just SPILLING! Besides my hairdresser (who I've seen twice, the last time months ago), I haven't had anyone to talk to about all of this. I stopped talking to my church girlfriends a while ago. It just got too painful.
And talking about it instead of ruminating internally about it are two completely different things. My heart is starting to open up again. I have even started listening to a little bit of music again.
Today is my 40th birthday, so I'm making a commitment to myself to not be online all day but instead interact with the people and environment around me.
I'm not sure what Dh will do or say about today, but no matter what, I'll make it a good day.
Many blessings, ladies! Have a wonderful day.
@mysblossom just curious are you listening to this from a podcast or weblink? Or do you attend Lakewood?
I think you should pray for your situation. You never know God has in store. Also your husband might be going through some things that you aren't privy to. It's good to communicate showing genuine interest.
@strenght81, many, many thanks.
Your comment makes me realize that now that I'm so many years into this situation, my communication with him can't be really said to be characterized as genuine interest. It's always pretty cautious or pointed.
So I tried it a little bit this morning. I prayed and prayed before opening my mouth.
UPDATE: LATEST RELEVANT CONVERSATION WITH DH
Then DH spoke a little about his plans, about our roles in the marriage, and some other things.
- Me: "Can I ask you something? So, are you just basically done with going out into the work world if you don't find a job with specific features?"
- DH: "No. I realize now that I'm going to have to start over again in some new area. I was just trying to make my way back into my field and then the car happened and it just all got really challenging when I took that non-paying internship."
- Me: "So in your dream world, you are not a house husband?"
DH: "What?!?? No. No. Where is this coming from? Has something happened to make you think I'm not going to follow the plan -- to work with your Dad, get a car that just runs, and start temping if I can't find anything?"- Me: "Nothing new has happened. I'm just reading 'The Queens Code' and learning about how critical it is for masculine guys to be a provider . . . To provide in all sorts of ways. I'm just wondering if I can help."
When he finished, I took a deep breath and said, "I'm just wondering about your priorities."
DH: "My priorities?"
And then the alarm went off. Time to get older nephew ready for school.
Next time we talk, I'll share with him how it seems like he prioritizes his comfort-level (job-wise) over providing, and how that makes me feel. (I have done this before, of course). Then I will bring up the marriage counseling/class.
We'll see! For those of you who might be worrying that I'm getting sucked in again or too hopeful, don't worry! I'm in a good place. A really good place. I'm okay if he starts getting it together, and I'm okay if he doesn't.
There's too much beautiful, stress-free , peace-filled, fun living LEFT to live, and I'm ready.
Im glad you were able to open up and converse with your husband. I think the next conversation shouldn't be about him going out to find work and why he isn't working, it's putting stress and strain on your relationship. It's clear he is uncomfortable with not being able to provide for you and it doesn't help that your tone confirms your disgust with him.
Work on building your man's confidence in himself and in you. When you come home from work greet him with a hug and kiss. Look excited about coming home to him. Ask him about his day ( even though in your mind you may be thinking "all you did was stay home and do nothing" lol). Show him encouragement, praise him for the good that he has done for you and continue to pray for your situation. Also pray that you have restored faith in your man, love on him. Don't make the lack of employment festure in your mind. He will do right by you. It shows that he wants to but there is a block. Be the catalyst to remove it. Best of luck to the both of you