Hi,
@bklynbornNbred. Thank you so much for the post.
Can you explain a bit more about the mismatch you see?
Regarding #19, what I mean is if he says he'll take out the trash, I don't have to wonder. If he says he'll wash the car, done, no question.
But things centered around working? Submitting a job application? Etc? Oh, the lies. The games. I cry JUST typing that.
We have read the 5 Love Languages.
He said he didn't feel any of the 5 were his way of receiving love, but if "forced" to choose one it would be physical touch. He gives love via acts of service.
I receive love via words of affirmation. I give love via gifts.
Did you actually do the quiz? When I first read the book it was mind blowing. The next shock was doing the quiz and realizing how they didn't match up to what I had assumed my answers would be.
Its important to not only discuss the "types" but what the actual definition of achieving those goals mean.
I do believe his language is acts of service.
I think you receive love through gifts (or its ranked higher then you are aware since you self describe as giving love that way) which is why you are conflicted regarding his acts of service (which seems like gifts).
There is a HUGE mismatch between what was acceptable as a poor college student and what is acceptable as a grown married head of household husband. All the things that he does means nothing when the standards have changed. He seems to be operating on what used to be acceptable vs. what you need as an evolved couple. The employment/being a provider is being used as a red herring from what seems to be at hand the disparity between your goals as a couple. If you all were on the same page he'd understand that his word is bond. He's not currently doing what he says he would do at top notch so #19 is false. If he was paying attention to how his behavior was truly distressing you he'd change his behavior so #20 is false. #22 is also neither here nor there because broke people survive not budget.
I'm not saying this to be mean but couching your language isn't helping him understand how frustrated you are. He will look at long list of stuff he's doing right and wonder what you complaining about instead of realizing that all those things are actually ranked below being a provider. It seems somewhere in your truth that being a provider (heck just meeting you half way) is important. One has to be employed to provide gifts so the cutesy handmade things just aren't enough now (& there's nothing wrong with that).
If you rearranged the list you wrote where does being a provider fit in and how would the numbering change? Label all of those things using the 5 and see where the mismatch is (if there is a mismatch).
What is truly important to you now and in the future? Are those goals even on his radar? You said you want to own a home. Is he fine with apartment living? Does he even know what owning a home entails? Did he share you dreams of travelling or does he not even have a passport or share your curiosity for other cultures?
You can't deal with the problem if you aren't identifying what the problem is. It doesn't seem as if he believes not working is a problem. And for you acts of service includes providing for your family. Those two roads will never meet.
Saying the words are not enough. You don't have to post it here but dig into what those words mean for you
in actions then see how much of the list is really appropriate to you. Then be honest about what is or is not being met. He's sulking because it appears that he's doing a lot when based on what you shared here he's actually focusing on the wrong things.
I don't think what you were feeling was envy. I think you were recognizing what is possible when you are evenly yoked.
Yes anything is possible when you have a willing partner but the only one that can answer is refusing to go to counseling which is his choice and speaks volumes about where he places getting out of this rut and relieving the pressure on you. He may be the perfect house husband for a type A with the booming career that doesn't mind holding the financial load and wants to be catered to. That doesn't mean he's the right match for you. Or maybe he is and you have to work out in your head what you say you want and what you are actually ok with (as far as being the bread winner and appearances). Keep digging to find your truth.