Letting Go With Positivity, Peace, Courage, And Interdependence

[mysblossom]

Do you still attend your childhood church (denomination)?

Understand there are different interpretations many which leave women at a disservice.

I don't believe in any God that forces women to stay in dysfunctional or dangerous marriages (or dooms them to spinster hood either). You need to dig deep and talk to your God and listen to what is said to you not rely on what you were taught especially if its not sitting right with your spirit.

You can't work on a marriage when your husband refuses to. Marriage is a partnership and he's breaking every biblical reference to how husband are supposed to honor their wives. No believer should be throwing verses at you about your responsibility if they're not also digging in your husbands behind for not holding up his end of the partnership.

Love the post and questions. Will reply tomorrow!

 

[hopeful]

ITA with everything @bklynbornNbred said. Very thoughtful and loving post.

 

[mysblossom]

Do you still attend your childhood church (denomination)?

Understand there are different interpretations many which leave women at a disservice.

I don't believe in any God that forces women to stay in dysfunctional or dangerous marriages (or dooms them to spinster hood either). You need to dig deep and talk to your God and listen to what is said to you not rely on what you were taught especially if its not sitting right with your spirit.

You can't work on a marriage when your husband refuses to. Marriage is a partnership and he's breaking every biblical reference to how husband are supposed to honor their wives. No believer should be throwing verses at you about your responsibility if they're not also digging in your husbands behind for not holding up his end of the partnership.

Hi, @bklynbornNbred . Thank you SO much for the post and questions. It helps to read them and answer them and process both the questions and answers.

1. The church/denomination SO drills all of those principles/rules about men and their responsibilities that I had never even SEEN this situation before: a non-retired, non-working man. So then I just wasn't prepared for any of my spouse's behavior or issues.
2. Everybody knows that my husband's behavior violates biblical scripture and beyond that just basic common sense, love, etc. Everyone is disgusted by it and feels so outdone. Even his parents and brothers and sisters, who are not "church people."
3. I am the only woman I know whose spouse doesn't work. And it's hard. (But I know I can be okay and be there for myself!)
   
4. When I was a much younger woman, after I left home, I branched started attending DIFFERENT sorts of christian churches.
5. No matter what denomination you attend, you still have to interpret for yourself those scriptures. You might appreciate this: There's a christian book I read that has THIS formula: Husband not working = financial abandonment = behavior of a non-believer = proof spouse is a non-believer = your non-believing spouse has left you = you scripturally get to divorce AND get remarried.

Specifics/other:

1. My husband is not a part of my childhood church/denomination. (So he doesn't submit to the authority of the men at church.)
2. My childhood church/denomination DRILLS, DRILLS, DRILLS into the man that a man must love his wife as Christ loves the church.
3. That church DRILLS into everyone that if a man does not work he should not eat.
4. That church does not teach that if the man violates a scripture (doesn't work), then the woman can then violate a scripture (get divorced instead of just separated . . . due to spouse not working instead of due to infidelity). That church tells the woman to follow the scripture and separate if she can't stay. Don't stay in harm's way. Many people in many of this denomination are now starting to just say, "To H*LL with those scriptures. I'm doing me." or "It can't really mean that, so I'm going to do what I want to do, what makes me feel loved or free." I AM FINE WITH THAT and GET IT 100%. Most of my girlfriends who are RIDICULOUSLY happy in their marriages are each on their second marriages. They weren't raised to be allowed to get remarried. They were brought up just like me but would rather take a chance that those scriptures are archaic or that God will just say, "Never mind. I forgive you. Those scriptures were just there, but no one is going to enforce them." Or something like that. Some of them feel that when they left their first husbands (separated), he likely had sex with someone. They consider that their ticket/pass out and permission to divorce.
   [/LI

 

[mysblossom]

. . . Continued from last past . . .

That all said, I feel like I've put in enough time and effort on the situation and am ready in December to say either:

• "Great, you've made enough money and purchased a car and have been submitting job applications at real jobs even if they are low-paying." OR
• "Thanks so much for trying this last time. I'm sorry it isn't working out here. I'm sorry you couldn't take the ___ job and the ___ job and the ___ job. I know that now you are going to try in ____ (whatever state)." . . . And legally separate, explaining to him that I have to separate now after this many years with someone who could have worked but would not because the job's status was more important than not leaving his wife to do it alone.

IMPORTANT: I have already told him about his behavior's violation of scripture, how I'm violating scripture by being with someone who won't work and allowing him to eat, how I don't feel like I'm married but single and being used, how he must work or I'm out, etc.

I just think he doesn't believe me . . . doesn't believe that I'll ever permanently leave . . . because I've been working so hard to not HAVE to. He's gotten comfortable. He knows the scriptures I'm dealing with, I guess.

So all I can do now is just leave.

My instant reflections:

• This is pretty simple: My spouse doesn't work for some reason. It's been so long a time now that I give. That's why I contacted my lawyer cousin, looked into the divorce care group, created this thread (my original post is simply about moving forward), etc.
• Most christian women tell me things like, "You're not innocent in this. If you change, he'll change." Keeping open to their perspective and not assuming I'm not part of the problem, I've been trying to ascertain my "blame" so that I can help, can grow, and can not experience this again. It seems VERY IMPORTANT for these christian women to hear me say, "Here's my blame. Here's my part." Most of my christian male friends are disgusted by that and tell me, "Blossom, I'm going to work REGARDLESS of my wife's mouth, behavior, etc. I just love myself and my wife TOO much to even put her in a position to have thoughts like, 'What are my responsibilities in keeping my husband from working?' Get the ___ outta here. HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU, Blossom, not like I love my wife. I could never watch my wife going through what you go through. And if I didn't love her, I'd work for MY OWN SELF-CARE."
• Something is really wrong. Whatever it is, it's too big for me and he won't talk to others. My thirties are over in a few weeks. I've spent them dealing with this. I don't know what's ahead, but I gotta try to get to the other side.

I have to overcome a lot of obstacles, and I have to deal with mentalities, scripture, and being VERY different from those around me (the elders/women in my life just don't accept remarriage and all of that) . . . but I've started!

 

[mysblossom]

Someone PM'd me about judging other christians.

I apologize for giving this impression, but I don't judge other christians! I'm just a human, not in position to judge anyone.

I don't think there are hierarchies of "better christians" that follow the bible better and all of that. I don't think I'm better than any other christian because I'm haggling with these scriptures.

I was only explaining the MINDSET I was raised to have about divorce and remarriage so that people would understand what I'm internally battling.

Actually, going through all of this made me agnostic for a spell!

The language I used in the post above such as:

"To H*LL with those scriptures. I'm doing me." or "It can't really mean that, so I'm going to do what I want to do, what makes me feel loved or free." I AM FINE WITH THAT and GET IT 100%. Most of my girlfriends who are RIDICULOUSLY happy in their marriages are each on their second marriages. They weren't raised to be allowed to get remarried. They were brought up just like me but would rather take a chance that those scriptures are archaic or that God will just say, "Never mind. I forgive you. Those scriptures were just there, but no one is going to enforce them."​

. . . that language is me sharing what some of my girlfriends have told me when I asked them, "How did you free yourself to divorce and remarry?"

I understand that people are free to interpret the scriptures how they believe is best. When you hear 25+ years' worth of dogmatic sermons from age 5 and up, it just takes a second to start thinking differently.

 

[mysblossom]

Op, I wouldn't go as far to say that your husband doesn't love you, but I would say that he may be depressed/discouraged and so I feel a little compassion for him. Working and providing is tied to a mans ego. He most likely feels horrible about his situation and is immobilized from discouragement.

With that being said, its been too long. You can't help him from the inside and the situation is also wearing on you. I don't think an ultimatum is necessary because he isn't and wasn't in a position to provide for quite some time. Talk to him, tell him what you're going through and just go.

I know its easier said than done though

@keyawarren,

Thank you so much for the post. Very helpful. Means a lot. Back atcha!

 

[Kimbosheart]

Please don't let anyone's opinion on your day to day life be a factor in deciding how you want to live it. Only you have to wake up next to that man day after day, or go to work to support him. No one elses opinion should matter.

 

[bklynbornNbred]

I didn't see anything in your post as judging. And I don't see need for anyone to PM you to chastise you on your experience.

Let me add new chorus. You are not responsible for someone elses behavior. Being a martyr does not make you a better believer. At least the men in your circle have it right.

From my experience when one has been raised in faith and the customs of their church turns on them when they are in need it leads to separation from God just when you need Him the most. Try not to confuse the two (your faith vs church) as you navigate this unknown road to your new normal.

I'm shaking my head at the women blaming you. I'm glad the men in your circle recognize that. I believe you'll figure out your next steps. You'll be scared because it's different but lean in and go through. You may not envision the other side yet but trust that you're gonna be ok.

 

[mysblossom]

Especially for those struggling with something similar, the books below have helped me TREMENDOUSLY during this whole ordeal. The last one is especially helpful for those who are in a situation they find frustrating but "stay-worthy" because they are not in danger and it's not damaging but simply difficult.

The first, second, and fifth books below are helpful whether you are a christian or not, but they do contain scriptures (which you can COMPLETELY ignore if you like).

The third and fourth books helped me to recognize my spouse.

ETA: The third book changed my life and was the beginning of me understanding exactly what I'm dealing with and why nothing seems to help. It is the ONLY reason I had the ability to move past all of my strict christian upbringing and think, "Well this changes things."

Critical, surprising content from the third book (in my own words . . . it's been awhile since I read it):

• Some people love themselves too much, seeking to make up for love they didn't get before.
• Some people love themselves too little (because they didn't receive appropriate love). They then inappropriately constantly seek levels of adoration and respect (and avoid anything that makes them feel "less than" in their eyes in any form).
• These people are often addicted to adoration and respect. You cannot have an adult conversation with them to confront any shortcomings they might have. This violates their need to always be loved, adored, and esteemed very, very highly. They will create a false world, false inflated sense of self, etc.
• Less than 1% of these people change. They don't see themselves as being in error, for they cannot afford/stomach that. So they can't change since they can't ever have been in the "wrong" or have needed to make a change.

God bless!

1. Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No

2. Not Under Bondage: Biblical Divorce for Abuse, Adultery, and Desertion

3. Narcissistic Lovers: How to Cope, Recover, and Move on

4. Deal Breakers: When to Work on a Relationship, and When to Walk Away

5. Thriving Despite a Difficult Marriage

 

[mysblossom]

Just had to share before I cease posting for the day and get onto my project . . .

In the book Deal Breakers: When to Work on a Relationship, and When to Walk Away, the author discusses 5 types of unhealthy men (I'm sure she doesn't think that covers it all, but it was a helpful start):

1. The Scriptwriter (everything gets re-explained and re-framed to mean something else, and it's a crazymaker! Example A: Not working is GOOD, and working would be bad. Even 5+ years into the situation. Example B: Other men of course need to work in 5+ years. Myself? Money from a low-level job in the meanwhile would NOT help as much as me holding out for a "good" job. So yes, no job IS better than a job right now. )
2. The Man in Charge
3. The Man without Fault
4. The Invisible Man
5. The Little Boy Who Poses as a Man

A person can be a combination of more than one of these.

The author is BLUNT! This book helped me to smile as I was crying -- in a good way. It helped me see that I was not crazy and to be able to name and recognize some of what I was seeing. Then she goes on to discuss what a healthy man is, how to be ready for one and to seek one. VERY POSITIVE stuff if you decide you want to try again. Some people are fine staying unattached, which is cool, too.

 

[JudithO]

@myblossom

~Hugs~ Quick question - what does he do right? Even before your nephews became your responsibility?

 

[mysblossom]

@myblossom

~Hugs~ Quick question - what does he do right? Even before your nephews became your responsibility?

Hi, @JudithO . Thank you for the hugs and the questions.

What does he do right? (Please excuse my typos. I'm typing fast!)

1. I am a maaaaaaaaaajor talker. This man listens to me talk for hours at a time, and actually listens. He remembers it all, asks questions, supports, etc.
2. If I'm sick, he cares for me like he has a PhD in nursing. Has cleaned my vomit and vomit-filled sheets many times. Has washed my behind. Does this EASILY with love.
3. This person cares for my family members. My family of origin is very, very, VERY unhealthy. They can be extremely damaging, damaged, wearisome people. He cares for them like they are his own. He spends time for them, puts furniture together for them, checks on them, listens to them, etc., etc.
4. This man attends church with me even though he grew up in a "scary, hell-fire-and-brimstone" church. After church we talk about the sermon because he knows I love it.
5. This man gets my sense of humor. It is VERY dry.
6. If I woke him up at 3:13 AM this morning and said, "I'm feeling troubled. Can we listen to 70s music right now?" He would open his crazy, extensive collection of music, find the 70s music, and sing all the lyrics by heart to me.
7. This man specializes knows my feelings and moods before I do. If I'm frustrated, I might not even realize it before he's put a cup of my favorite tea . . . with just the right amount of honey and sugar in it . . . in front of me.
8. This man makes me feel wonderful as I lose and gain weight throughout life. He helps me keep up with my measurements, but only if I want to. If I don't want to get on the scale but don't want to gain too much, he'll look at my weight without telling me the number. When I gain weight, he says stuff like, "I like it! Yum. Look at those new boobies!" (I'm a tiny A/B cup.)
9. If I mention something off hand even if I just mumble it (example: "I need to get that new vacuum cleaner . . ."), I'll have a text with info about it before the end of the day. Back when he was working, I'd often have the item!
10. This man knows how to make love to a woman. I'm (almost) overwhelmed!
11. This man keeps up with my intellect, talks news and politics and pop culture with me, etc. I'm a Harvard grad and we don't compete. I haven't used a big word or concept YET that has baffled him. When I talk about object-oriented programming, he talks back to me about it.
12. Cooks. And is super at it. I don't do a bit of it, and even before he lost his job if I were tired he'd do so and tell me, "Just rest. I got it."
13. Cleans. And is super at it. I don't do a bit of it, and even before he lost his job if I were tired he'd do so and tell me, "Just rest. I got it."
14. I don't know what it is to open a door . . . not a car door, a house door . . . He opens them all.
15. I don't know what it is to pump gas . . . He always does this.
16. Spends hours proofreading my writing, listening to me talk about my research, being a sounding board for my research thoughts and ideas, etc.
17. This man is KIND TO EVERYONE we meet. One time a group of flaming homosexual men walked toward us in the mall. All the folks -- especially the men -- that we were with started talking about them like they deserved to go to actual hell or something and weren't worth ______. Not my husband. He just smiled kindly. I was floored at everyone's behavior. My spouse treats EVERYONE like they are worth talking to, etc., etc. He doesn't laugh at people with disabilities, problems, or differences. He's just not ever going to do that, and it's so naturally a part of him. One of my FAVORITE things about him. He honors people just because they are people. It's a really beautiful thing.
18. This man takes care of himself. He cooks healthy so that we can eat healthy.
19. If this man says he will do something, he does it. Top notch quality.
20. This man pays attention. And pays attention to details.
21. This man helped me transition from relaxed to natural. Over-complimented me while I was insecure. Smelled my hair like he was overdosing and smiled and bear-hugged me when I had my TWA and was super insecure. Last night he took out a couple of my SSKs gently. I got impatient and told him to just cut the third one. He said, "You sure? I can try again later?" I said, "Just cut it." He said, "Okaaaaaaaay. If you say so. It's your baby. " Point is, he's patient and giving.
22. This man can budget and is frugal . Every dime we have is a dollar.

I could go on and on and on and on.

 

[mysblossom]

One of my girlfriends (divorced and remarried), said our relationship suffers from role reversal. It's a cool label, but does not stop the problem.

 

[mysblossom]

@JudithO , I've got to share this one.

We started dating in college.

For my 21st birthday, I was not able to go home and was many, many miles away from home so no one could visit me.

I had no idea it was coming, but my husband (then my boyfriend) sent me a box to arrive exactly on my birthday. A balloon and ribbons were attached to it, and it contained among other things:

• a handwritten, 21-page letter doused in his cologne (21 pages for 21 years of age, and his handwriting is very tiny)
• a stuffed bear also doused in his cologne
• jewelry
• a card

I opened the box in my tiny little dorm room in cold, dark Massachusetts, alone on my big birthday. All of a sudden my boyfriend's smell engulfed my senses and my dorm room. I read the letter while hugging the bear . . .

That's just one example of one of scores and scores of things he's done. And that was when he was only 21.

 

[ChasingBliss]

Im jumping from post to post and confusing the heck out of myself...especially after post #42. I think I will make some nice yogi tea and take my time with this thread. And read posts in proper order.

 

[mysblossom]

Im jumping from post to post and confusing the heck out of myself...especially after post #42. I think I will make some nice yogi tea and take my time with this thread. And read posts in proper order.

 

[JudithO]

Hi, @JudithO . Thank you for the hugs and the questions.

What does he do right? (Please excuse my typos. I'm typing fast!)

1. I am a maaaaaaaaaajor talker. This man listens to me talk for hours at a time, and actually listens. He remembers it all, asks questions, supports, etc.
2. If I'm sick, he cares for me like he has a PhD in nursing. Has cleaned my vomit and vomit-filled sheets many times. Has washed my behind. Does this EASILY with love.
3. This person cares for my family members. My family of origin is very, very, VERY unhealthy. They can be extremely damaging, damaged, wearisome people. He cares for them like they are his own. He spends time for them, puts furniture together for them, checks on them, listens to them, etc., etc.
4. This man attends church with me even though he grew up in a "scary, hell-fire-and-brimstone" church. After church we talk about the sermon because he knows I love it.
5. This man gets my sense of humor. It is VERY dry.
6. If I woke him up at 3:13 AM this morning and said, "I'm feeling troubled. Can we listen to 70s music right now?" He would open his crazy, extensive collection of music, find the 70s music, and sing all the lyrics by heart to me.
7. This man specializes knows my feelings and moods before I do. If I'm frustrated, I might not even realize it before he's put a cup of my favorite tea . . . with just the right amount of honey and sugar in it . . . in front of me.
8. This man makes me feel wonderful as I lose and gain weight throughout life. He helps me keep up with my measurements, but only if I want to. If I don't want to get on the scale but don't want to gain too much, he'll look at my weight without telling me the number. When I gain weight, he says stuff like, "I like it! Yum. Look at those new boobies!" (I'm a tiny A/B cup.)
9. If I mention something off hand even if I just mumble it (example: "I need to get that new vacuum cleaner . . ."), I'll have a text with info about it before the end of the day. Back when he was working, I'd often have the item!
10. This man knows how to make love to a woman. I'm (almost) overwhelmed!
11. This man keeps up with my intellect, talks news and politics and pop culture with me, etc. I'm a Harvard grad and we don't compete. I haven't used a big word or concept YET that has baffled him. When I talk about object-oriented programming, he talks back to me about it.
12. Cooks. And is super at it. I don't do a bit of it, and even before he lost his job if I were tired he'd do so and tell me, "Just rest. I got it."
13. Cleans. And is super at it. I don't do a bit of it, and even before he lost his job if I were tired he'd do so and tell me, "Just rest. I got it."
14. I don't know what it is to open a door . . . not a car door, a house door . . . He opens them all.
15. I don't know what it is to pump gas . . . He always does this.
16. Spends hours proofreading my writing, listening to me talk about my research, being a sounding board for my research thoughts and ideas, etc.
17. This man is KIND TO EVERYONE we meet. One time a group of flaming homosexual men walked toward us in the mall. All the folks -- especially the men -- that we were with started talking about them like they deserved to go to actual hell or something and weren't worth ______. Not my husband. He just smiled kindly. I was floored at everyone's behavior. My spouse treats EVERYONE like they are worth talking to, etc., etc. He doesn't laugh at people with disabilities, problems, or differences. He's just not ever going to do that, and it's so naturally a part of him. One of my FAVORITE things about him. He honors people just because they are people. It's a really beautiful thing.
18. This man takes care of himself. He cooks healthy so that we can eat healthy.
19. If this man says he will do something, he does it. Top notch quality.
20. This man pays attention. And pays attention to details.
21. This man helped me transition from relaxed to natural. Over-complimented me while I was insecure. Smelled my hair like he was overdosing and smiled and bear-hugged me when I had my TWA and was super insecure. Last night he took out a couple of my SSKs gently. I got impatient and told him to just cut the third one. He said, "You sure? I can try again later?" I said, "Just cut it." He said, "Okaaaaaaaay. If you say so. It's your baby. " Point is, he's patient and giving.
22. This man can budget and is frugal . Every dime we have is a dollar.

I could go on and on and on and on.

Given all this information, he seems like he is a really good man, but is struggling with something deep inside. If regardless of all other qualities, a man must financially provide for you for you to feel happy, then you should at least get some space away from him and help/let him figure things out from a distance. If you decide to stay, you have to embrace that he may never work, and you may have to be the sole provider for your family until the end of time. Then again, there is absolutely nothing God won't do, so if I were you, I'd get on my knees and fast and pray on this man's behalf until God intervenes.

 

[mysblossom]

Given all this information, he seems like he is a really good man, but is struggling with something deep inside. If regardless of all other qualities, a man must financially provide for you for you to feel happy, then you should at least get some space away from him and help/let him figure things out from a distance. If you decide to stay, you have to embrace that he may never work, and you may have to be the sole provider for your family until the end of time. Then again, there is absolutely nothing God won't do, so if I were you, I'd get on my knees and fast and pray on this man's behalf until God intervenes.

Thank you for this, @JudithO. I really appreciate it, and it encourages me.

Many, many blessings!

 

[mysblossom]

Greetings, all.

I hope this post finds you well.

I have been married for about seven years to a really nice and giving man who does not provide. My spouse does everything you could imagine desiring from your spouse, except work and provide.

I need to let go, move forward, and get back out there very strongly in the job market so that I can obtain whatever I dream of for myself. I know I can do it.

It would be great to have a place to receive encouragement, receive inspiration, celebrate, cry, get and give advice, etc. I'm hoping this thread can be that space for myself and others who either have done it or are doing it.

 

[bklynbornNbred]

Have you ever read book/done the exercise the 5 Love Languages (by Gary Chapman)? If not give it a read.

You have a long list of wonderful qualities regarding your husband but your posts don't match up with regards to the aspects of what is bothering you. I have an idea but I don't want to influence you before you actually take the quiz. There is no wrong or right answers just what is true for you. If you've never heard of the book it explains what "speaks" to one person isn't always the right way to express to another. When we know our respective languages it becomes easier to communicate.

I think there is a mismatch with what you and your husband are doing and actually hearing (receiving) from one another (especially #19). Being able to express what is specifically troubling to you may help you both through this impasse or decide if you ultimately will take a break.

If you've read/done exercise see if you can get husband to do the quiz. He doesn't sound like a bad guy but only you can ultimately decide what you are willing to live with if nothing changes on his part.

 

[mysblossom]

Have you ever read book/done the exercise the 5 Love Languages (by Gary Chapman)? If not give it a read.

You have a long list of wonderful qualities regarding your husband but your posts don't match up with regards to the aspects of what is bothering you. I have an idea but I don't want to influence you before you actually take the quiz. There is no wrong or right answers just what is true for you. If you've never heard of the book it explains what "speaks" to one person isn't always the right way to express to another. When we know our respective languages it becomes easier to communicate.

I think there is a mismatch with what you and your husband are doing and actually hearing (receiving) from one another (especially #19). Being able to express what is specifically troubling to you may help you both through this impasse or decide if you ultimately will take a break.

If you've read/done exercise see if you can get husband to do the quiz. He doesn't sound like a bad guy but only you can ultimately decide what you are willing to live with if nothing changes on his part.

Hi, @bklynbornNbred. Thank you so much for the post.

Can you explain a bit more about the mismatch you see?

Regarding #19, what I mean is if he says he'll take out the trash, I don't have to wonder. If he says he'll wash the car, done, no question.

But things centered around working? Submitting a job application? Etc? Oh, the lies. The games. I cry JUST typing that.

We have read the 5 Love Languages.

He said he didn't feel any of the 5 were his way of receiving love, but if "forced" to choose one it would be physical touch. He gives love via acts of service.

I receive love via words of affirmation. I give love via gifts.

 

[mysblossom]

This morning I struggled with envy, but I hope I did a good job of praying and managing my own thinking . . . so as to get to a better place. Sigh. BABY STEPS.

What happened was that I checked FB. I saw one of my girlfriends from college on a marriage anniversary trip with her husband in Paris. I saw one of my old boyfriends and his wife on her birthday trip in Las Vegas. He called her his queen. I saw an old friend of mine sharing a photo that her husband took. She said, "King just HAD to take a photo." She was on her way to a social event.

All of these couples work together and have a lot. I am very able to be happy for them, to celebrate with them, to be proud of such beautiful black love. But I felt some kind of way as I walked downstairs to start working on my research project and my husband stayed in bed playing that video game he always plays, waiting for baby nephew to wake up.

Why isn't he up on the computer trying to figure out how to become a provider again? Why doesn't he want to help me get a house? If I ever get a house, why is it that I have to be the one to do it, by myself?

I'm an educator. I have debt from keeping us afloat while my husband didn't work. He promised he would help me pay it back.

I prayed. I told myself that I need to keep working on ACCEPTANCE: If I, I, I want a house, the reality is that it's on me and I can no longer look to my husband and internally whine. There are PLENTY of women in this world who . . . if the man won't . . . live as a single woman and just DO IT. It's up to ME to get what I dream of, and to grow up.

A MAJOR SOURCE OF STRESS
Teaching school has changed and became soul-killing. Before my nephews' mom died, I had developed a financial/career plan: I was going to transition from education into healthcare. I was excited. Now I'm looking around trying to figure out WHEN I'm going to do all of this, and when my look falls upon my husband sitting around on the internet or playing video games . . . It just KILLS me.

I think MUCH of this will stop once I see myself making headway toward having a home and traveling, because it's the fear of being homeless and of being too poor to travel that stings the most. I don't know why it's those two, but you know that activity they have you do where they ask you, "What do you want?" "Now why?" "Now why is that?" and "Why is that?" until you can't answer any more and that's just it?

The final answers for me are owning a lovely home and traveling. Of course, I want to be in a position to be able to help my loved ones, too, but as far as what makes me personally happy, it's those two.

So I need to stop staring at DH and photos of friends' husbands who provide this for their wives and just be on the path to accomplishing things, enjoying the journey.

Woooosaaaaaah.

 

[hopeful]

It is almost impossible for a woman to take care of herself and a grown man financially. Unless that is how she is built. Some women are. It's an agreement they make. They have kids. She works. He's the primary caretaker. Everyone is happy. But MOST women are not built for that kind of life. My dh loves it when I sleep in when he heads to work. Most women will be rolling their eyes at their husband just like you. How you feel is super normal. The jealousy you feel when reading about other couple's traveling is normal . You are human, a wife, and female. It's okay. I really hope you get your happy ending.

 

[ElizaBlue]

You've gotten some great posts with great questions and advice. I can see from your writings and your research you are not without great resources and the ability to discern exactly why this is not working for you.

If this were the man for you....you would not be so miserable. But for him...any woman will do because he only requires to be accepted as unemployed. Let him find another willing provider. But you need a man you will respect because he warrants such.

Water always finds it's level...this man has you out of balance.

 

[mysblossom]

You've gotten some great posts with great questions and advice. I can see from your writings and your research you are not without great resources and the ability to discern exactly why this is not working for you.

If this were the man for you....you would not be so miserable. But for him...any woman will do because he only requires to be accepted as unemployed. Let him find another willing provider. But you need a man you will respect because he warrants such.

Water always finds it's level...this man has you out of balance.

@ElizaBlue!

I keep reading through your post again and again. It just melts away the perpetual anxiety this situation has given me.

I read it . . .

close my eyes . . .

visualize being fly and single, building myself up and having fun meeting new guys, not weighed down by the pain of knowing I pay for the livelihood of some one who doesn't care enough about me to earn money . . .

and life seems hopeful again.

This situation obliterates so much, particularly my sense of momentum. I'm constantly having to reiterate to myself that I am worth working a job for, this issue is about this man.

I truly feel like I am my spouse's mother, sister, and friend . . . and sometimes HUSBAND . . . but not his wife exactly. I feel relief at the thought of even going out on a date with someone who wants to BE A HUSBAND, not just HAVE A WIFE.

Respect. You really nailed it for me with that word.

Hugs, hugs, hugs.



Your post helps stave away mental confusion.

 

[Godsdaughter001]

Thank you for this, @JudithO. I really appreciate it, and it encourages me.

Many, many blessings!

I'm with @JudithO. Before I read how he treated you, I felt like I could actually feel your frustration. However, after reading about his other qualities, and what a good man he is - other than his lack of employment- I see how conflicted you must feel. Does your religion promote fasting and praying? Have you ever fasted and prayed to God regarding your marriage? I really think this would be helpful to give you more clarity.

I have some questions:
How long has your husband been without a job? 5+ years? Also, how long did he work (total years) while you were married?

What was his excuse for not going to marriage counseling?

ETA: it seems like you have clarity already. When I wrote this post, I hadn't finished reading the thread yet. The fasting and praying I mentioned, I am referring to your thoughts about remarriage. I would listen to God's word not the church views. I am a Christian and I know a lot of times some religions enforce man made rules that are not a part of God's plan. And yes, I know of the scripture your church is referring to.

 

[mysblossom]

Quick reply post while I'm waiting in line:

I'm terrible at tracking time. I misspoke earlier:

We have actually been married for 8 . . . almost 9 years. He worked for 2.5 . . . almost 3 of those if I'm remembering correctly.

My childhood church has had a few sermon series on fasting, but it's not too emphasized. I'm open to it.

My 40th birthday is on the 24th. After that, I'll try a season of fasting and prayer.

I wish I could shake my lack of confidence in his current plan. I have made up my mind, though: He won't know that the lack of income is a deal breaker if I don't behave like it is.

His amazing treatment has kept me confused and made me feel like it would be mean to leave because he's doing everything else he can and showing care in every other area. It's just had me so conflicted. However, I've gotten to the point now where I believe he won't work a "real" job and earn a "real" income, so I'm willing to see if official separation will help both me and him.

That's why my OP and the thread title reads like it does.

December/January is the next major time frame! Eesh! My aim is to use this thread and prayer to stay resolute and joyful instead of feeling defeated.

 

[bklynbornNbred]

Hi, @bklynbornNbred. Thank you so much for the post.

Can you explain a bit more about the mismatch you see?

Regarding #19, what I mean is if he says he'll take out the trash, I don't have to wonder. If he says he'll wash the car, done, no question.

But things centered around working? Submitting a job application? Etc? Oh, the lies. The games. I cry JUST typing that.

We have read the 5 Love Languages.

He said he didn't feel any of the 5 were his way of receiving love, but if "forced" to choose one it would be physical touch. He gives love via acts of service.

I receive love via words of affirmation. I give love via gifts.

Did you actually do the quiz? When I first read the book it was mind blowing. The next shock was doing the quiz and realizing how they didn't match up to what I had assumed my answers would be.

Its important to not only discuss the "types" but what the actual definition of achieving those goals mean.

I do believe his language is acts of service.

I think you receive love through gifts (or its ranked higher then you are aware since you self describe as giving love that way) which is why you are conflicted regarding his acts of service (which seems like gifts).

There is a HUGE mismatch between what was acceptable as a poor college student and what is acceptable as a grown married head of household husband. All the things that he does means nothing when the standards have changed. He seems to be operating on what used to be acceptable vs. what you need as an evolved couple. The employment/being a provider is being used as a red herring from what seems to be at hand the disparity between your goals as a couple. If you all were on the same page he'd understand that his word is bond. He's not currently doing what he says he would do at top notch so #19 is false. If he was paying attention to how his behavior was truly distressing you he'd change his behavior so #20 is false. #22 is also neither here nor there because broke people survive not budget.

I'm not saying this to be mean but couching your language isn't helping him understand how frustrated you are. He will look at long list of stuff he's doing right and wonder what you complaining about instead of realizing that all those things are actually ranked below being a provider. It seems somewhere in your truth that being a provider (heck just meeting you half way) is important. One has to be employed to provide gifts so the cutesy handmade things just aren't enough now (& there's nothing wrong with that).

If you rearranged the list you wrote where does being a provider fit in and how would the numbering change? Label all of those things using the 5 and see where the mismatch is (if there is a mismatch).

What is truly important to you now and in the future? Are those goals even on his radar? You said you want to own a home. Is he fine with apartment living? Does he even know what owning a home entails? Did he share you dreams of travelling or does he not even have a passport or share your curiosity for other cultures?

You can't deal with the problem if you aren't identifying what the problem is. It doesn't seem as if he believes not working is a problem. And for you acts of service includes providing for your family. Those two roads will never meet.

Saying the words are not enough. You don't have to post it here but dig into what those words mean for you in actions then see how much of the list is really appropriate to you. Then be honest about what is or is not being met. He's sulking because it appears that he's doing a lot when based on what you shared here he's actually focusing on the wrong things.

I don't think what you were feeling was envy. I think you were recognizing what is possible when you are evenly yoked.

Yes anything is possible when you have a willing partner but the only one that can answer is refusing to go to counseling which is his choice and speaks volumes about where he places getting out of this rut and relieving the pressure on you. He may be the perfect house husband for a type A with the booming career that doesn't mind holding the financial load and wants to be catered to. That doesn't mean he's the right match for you. Or maybe he is and you have to work out in your head what you say you want and what you are actually ok with (as far as being the bread winner and appearances). Keep digging to find your truth.

 

[bklynbornNbred]

You posted as I was typing so I wanted to add - he has wasted six of your good egg years. Those are not coming back. He is well aware of steps, foundation needed in order to provide for children. If that was a goal he respected his actions would be different. Don't be fooled by his interest in your nephews.

You dated in college were you dating all those years between undergrad and marriage in your 30's? Did he have a child with someone else? It just doesn't seem right that someone that shared goals would all of a sudden change gears and behave in a manner that is so far to the left of actually achieving them.

 

[hopeful]

Nice post @bklynbornNbred . I like how you think.