Letting Go With Positivity, Peace, Courage, And Interdependence

[bklynbornNbred]

I'm glad your paper went well.

It's never too late to change direction. Never. Just make sure you're thinking of solutions for you not with expectation that husband will participate.

You've been honest with yourself regarding not wanting to handle a household where you hold financial responsibility. It's ok. No need to force situation you're not comfortable with because others have done it. Unless something on his end significantly changes I don't see resentment going away if he worked for you especially if he's once again dependant on your sweat equity. Accept that it's not your responsibility to find solution for him.

You have the skills, determination & yes that Harvard degree. Utilize your resources & work your alumni network. It's never too late. Your road to success is just a little different. Straight lines are boring anyway. Trust that the same God that has protected you through this trial will promote you now that you're open to new possibilities.

 

[mysblossom]

I'm glad your paper went well.

It's never too late to change direction. Never. Just make sure you're thinking of solutions for you not with expectation that husband will participate.

You're wonderful, @bklynbornNbred.

I need to THINK that way. I really need to get that deep down inside me. It's not too late to change directions.

Unless something on his end significantly changes I don't see resentment going away if he worked for you especially if he's once again dependant on your sweat equity. Accept that it's not your responsibility to find solution for him. .

One of my good friends said, "Excuse me! Why did you say, 'He could work for me.'? Why didn't you say, 'We'd both be working at the center we'd own together . . .'?"

I'd really have to maintain a partnership mentality to make the situation healthy for the both of us. We'd need to be partners. And I have no doubt he'd work his behind off there. Once hired, the man works! When I taught school, the man was like a teacher's aide and a half.

You have the skills, determination & yes that Harvard degree. Utilize your resources & work your alumni network. It's never too late. Your road to success is just a little different. Straight lines are boring anyway. Trust that the same God that has protected you through this trial will promote you now that you're open to new possibilities.

"Straight lines are boring anyway." Where is the "sashay, sashay" emoticon?!?? Well, yes, I can!

I really love your spirit! Your posts are so encouraging. What kind of work do you do, if you don't mind my asking?

The encouragement I get from this thread reminds me that I really need to follow through on folks' advice herein to get connected with others: My alumni network, Meetup, a group or two at church, etc.

Feeling MUCH better at the moment. Not matter how long the good vibe feeling lasts, I'm going to bask in EVERY second of it.

 

[strenght81]

Thank you for the advice and well-wishes, @strenght81 !

Do you mean to say that my WORDS confirm disgust with him, or my tone?

You wrote: "Show him encouragement, praise him for the good that he has done for you and continue to pray for your situation. Also pray that you have restored faith in your man, love on him." I feel like I did that for month 1, month 2, month 3, month 4, month 5, month 6, month 7, month 8, month 9, month 10 . . . month 27, month 28 . . ." and that this has yielded a person COMFORTABLE with the situation . . . a person who felt I must be okay with everything despite my saying the contrary.

Now we are on month ____??? 67? 70??? I've lost track.

I do agree that I shouldn't ruminate on this as much as I do. It would be WONDERFUL if he could get unblocked. I am not sure how I can remove the block (have offered to purchase him a car, help pay for education or certification and he can repay me if that's the issue, family has offered him job hookups, etc., etc.), but I am open to the fact that God can do anything.

I think he has to remove the block. I'm here for support, though. I guess I am feeling like it's coming down to the last few months and he deserves really clear talk and knowledge of my feelings and of how this all REALLY looks and affects LIVES. (And, yes, he HAS had such clear talk all along from various sources: his family members, my family members, me, friends of his, etc.).

I'm going to pray and meditate on your words, though. I know that many times we can't see ourselves. What I feel is simply CLEAR talk might additionally display disgust, and I don't mean to display disgust, only gravity.

ETA:
I do admit I feel disgust when he starts using words to stave off working.

I've always been a believer that our thoughts are expressed through our actions. Yes I do think your words show disgust because you are disgusted with a man who does not work therefore the way you phrase your words will reflect this.

By showing him encouragement you are deflecting from the situation and exuding positivity. I know you heard of that expression "whatever you focus on grows" If you continue to focus on him not working it will continue to be an issue. However, if you focus on the positives your husband not working will no longer be a factor. He will either get a job, him not being employed will no longer affect you as you will come to terms with it, or you will divorce this man and not have to deal with it anymore. This is what happens when we pray and not focus on the results. Answers will come about naturally.

In addition you may want to look deeper (if you haven't already) into how this situation is feeding you? Sometimes we stay stuck in a situation because it allows us to "hide" from ourselves, it may allow us to feel important or whatever. The point is if it didn't serve you in some way you wouldn't do it. Look into your childhood and adulthood experiences and factor in why you have put yourself in a compromising situation which allows you to continuously feel bad about yourself.

By no means am I telling you to take my advice but after seeing the movie 'War Room' it has changed my views on marriage and the type of advice I give to married people. So many people will tell you to leave your man and they wouldn't leave theirs.

From my observation of this thread you spend a lot of time getting opinions from people about your marriage. Whether it's from the discussion board, people here Pm'ing you, friends calling you to discuss your situation, etc. it only makes sense since they were invited to the conversation. I would suggest you do more talking to God, reading the bible along with meditation and leave folks out of your marriage. Let God do his job without the input of others (books, people, TV shows, etc) in your ear causing you to be indecisive. Let him work. Take a break from your friends and this message board about your marriage unless you are asking for prayer only. You see, the difference is if you ask for prayer it is aligned with your desires but if you ask for opinions you get tugged and pulled in any and every direction. Be specific and focus. I truly believe you will have your answers sooner that that way, operating on a clear mind

 

[mysblossom]

I've always been a believer that our thoughts are expressed through our actions. Yes I do think your words show disgust because you are disgusted with a man who does not work therefore the way you phrase your words will reflect this.

By showing him encouragement you are deflecting from the situation and exuding positivity. I know you heard of that expression "whatever you focus on grows" If you continue to focus on him not working it will continue to be an issue. However, if you focus on the positives your husband not working will no longer be a factor. He will either get a job, him not being employed will no longer affect you as you will come to terms with it, or you will divorce this man and not have to deal with it anymore. This is what happens when we pray and not focus on the results. Answers will come about naturally.

In addition you may want to look deeper (if you haven't already) into how this situation is feeding you? Sometimes we stay stuck in a situation because it allows us to "hide" from ourselves, it may allow us to feel important or whatever. The point is if it didn't serve you in some way you wouldn't do it. Look into your childhood and adulthood experiences and factor in why you have put yourself in a compromising situation which allows you to continuously feel bad about yourself.

By no means am I telling you to take my advice but after seeing the movie 'War Room' it has changed my views on marriage and the type of advice I give to married people. So many people will tell you to leave your man and they wouldn't leave theirs.

From my observation of this thread you spend a lot of time getting opinions from people about your marriage. Whether it's from the discussion board, people here Pm'ing you, friends calling you to discuss your situation, etc. it only makes sense since they were invited to the conversation. I would suggest you do more talking to God, reading the bible along with meditation and leave folks out of your marriage. Let God do his job without the input of others (books, people, TV shows, etc) in your ear causing you to be indecisive. Let him work. Take a break from your friends and this message board about your marriage unless you are asking for prayer only. You see, the difference is if you ask for prayer it is aligned with your desires but if you ask for opinions you get tugged and pulled in any and every direction. Be specific and focus. I truly believe you will have your answers sooner that that way, operating on a clear mind

I think I needed to hear all of that, @strenght81. Thank you!

 

[strenght81]

I would like to put this out there before anyone else tries this again. Do not private message me about my advice to mysblossom's situation or anyone's situation and the advice I should be giving. You will be ignored! Everyone here is an adult and is able to make their own decisions to discuss their relationship status or not. I do not expect anyone to take my advice but it won't stop me from putting it out there. @mysblossom it appears a lot of people are invested in your relationship @Godsdaughter001 being one of them. My opinion remains and people being confused about my recent thread and the advice I have given in this one is not my concern. So please do yourself a favor and let it go! LHCF is known for turning things ugly fast, people get attached and emotional, holding grudges over postings. it's important the vulnerable understands that.

 

[strenght81]

I think I needed to hear all of that, @strenght81. Thank you!

You're welcome lovebug!

 

[mysblossom]

I am fine with the diversity of thoughts on the situation, and I don't feel swayed in any particular direction from anything anyone's posted. I think very carefully . . . move pretty slowly . . . tend to err on the side of giving people the benefit of the doubt, etc.

Even though it was a little scary sharing, I'm glad I created this thread because it's helped me see myself and my husband and my faith a little more objectively. I'm reaching the point where there's not too much more I can discuss . . . it's just time to be a plus in my husband's life over the next few months while he implements this latest plan of his.

I'm really GRATEFUL to have had the chance to discuss some things here. I needed to see how conflicted I've been, how circular my thinking has been, etc.

There's a scripture that says, "A double-minded man is unstable in all his ways."

I've felt pretty double-minded about SO MUCH for so long now. I'm just trying to move beyond that.

SOME GOOD NEWS:
DH and I had a great conversation this morning. He really wants my nephews to be okay and sees how concerned everyone is over them, and he asked me a lot of questions about what he can do to best help me help them. He and I have always talked very deeply about our individual and joint spiritual lives. He really can hang with me on the intellectual spiritual side of things. I'm really grateful, because I can't imagine that too many folks could (beliefs-wise), would, or would want to.

Anyhoo, I was talking to him about the concept of heaven . . . how some people believe that it's not just a final destination and that the scriptural phrase "we are citizens of heaven" is speaking to the christian's ability to reside in heaven, metaphorically and so forth. I shared that a lot of people balk at such thoughts, but that regardless, I was going to start living in my faith in a place of expectancy, faith, peace, hope, etc. The christian should have the power to live such a heavenly/heaven-like life, regardless of the circumstances. But that would require faith, trust, wisdom, gratitude, etc.

I said, "So I'm not going to spend the next few months worried about why you prefer to work with my Dad instead of just taking any job. I'm just going to be happy and give myself permission to be. If you think you're seeing a change, or that I'm no longer worried about the situation because I don't care, it's not that: I've just decided that I can feel okay even if everything is not okay." He let me finish and then said: "Your dad makes a lot of money. I just want to make sure that I earn enough for a little starter car, and I felt I could do that much more quickly working with your dad. Your dad is excited about what my computer skills can add to his business, and take a look at what I've planned out already . . ." He had a gleam in his eye. "The temp agencies around here seem to be hiring again, and I know I'll have a car sooner than later."

Earlier I had told him, "You have to come and see this movie with me that I'm going to see, and you can't say no. It's called 'The War Room,' and it's one of those 'Fireproof'-like movies, but you can't say no." He just rolled his eyes while laughing in a "Okay, I guess . . . I give" kind of way.

No matter what happens over the next few months, we are doing our "live in heaven" pledge together. I'm in a good place.

Thank you all for your wonderful words. You've really helped someone from afar, and I deeply appreciate it!

God bless!