Last Out of the Closet-Bisexual Men

[deltagyrl]

Well, I was specifically thinking about men who like having sex with men and women, but who would flee from the label of being bi, because of the stigma attached to it, esp. in the black community.

And you know, that's a good point. :scratchch I don't know - I think even still, those heteros might fall in love with someone of the OS, yes? I rank it - sex -> love -> partner.

And true, not everyone - no matter what their orientation - is interested in partnering with others. I forgot about them. I think that if you can form an emotional attachment - anything beyond just getting yo nut - then, yeah, take the appropriate label. But then, there are some folks who just don't love other people either, aren't there?
I don't know.....you're making me think.

Yeah black men and their resistance to labels.

I guess I'm wondering if being bi means that you must a). like same-sex sex, b). be able to form an emotional attachment with members of the same sex and c). want to? Is it a little more fluid???

I'm starting to understand (and believe) men who purport that although they like sex with men they want to build lives, relationships and families with women.

I have a female co worker who dates men but, on occasion, has sex with women. She's like, "I don't wanna marry (or date) them I just like what they have going on down there."

I'd say those men and my co-worker are bi.

Does that make sense?

 

[JustKiya]

That makes perfect sense, to me. I was saying in the Kinsey thread that it's so fluid, and just having three boxes for every 'flavor' of sexuality/emotionality and the combinations there-of is rather - limiting. We just do the best with what we have.

 

[shortycocoa]

I absolutely agree with this. I am bisexual myself and as a female I have had to deal with all kinds of negative stereotypes. And it's true that neither the the gay or straight community really accepts you. Everyone wants you to pick a side. People are way more accepting about being gay than they are about being bi.


Exactly, the only female celeb that I can think of from the younger generation who is probably truly sapphic-inclined is Lindsay Lohan and I don't think she ever came out but she did acknowledge her girlfriend at the time. I don't see the influx of women declaring to be bisexual for show as there being a rise in tolerance of the sexuality. It is anything but and has, I think, made things worse for bi women in particular because people don't take them seriously. It is seen as something entertaining for the man and phony.

I worry about the conversation that I will have to have with a boyfriend or girlfriend about my sexuality and I know that my bisexual guy friends worry about the same thing.

I don't know how I missed this post! More excellent points. We are constantly labeled as not knowing what we want, confused, or some other derivative of that. There has never been any confusion on my part, I'd like to think that everyone else who doesn't understand it is confused. And usually, that is correct. I remember one of my LESBIAN friends told me once that I was confused and didn't know what I wanted. I was really appalled that that comment was coming from her, someone within the LGBT community. It just goes to show that Ravengirl's point is very accurate.

To add to what you were saying about not being taken seriously or just being looked at as "entertainment" for men, you're totally right about that as well. People don't take us seriously, and sometimes that comes from the very same people we end up having relationships with. Men say that they are cool with it and they can accept it, because they think it is all just about sex. Most men have the fantasy of being with 2 women at the same time anyway, so a lot of them will say they don't mind. But it does end up screwing with their minds; some of them are just not strong enough to admit it.


Even that movie "Trois" that came out in 1999-2000 touched on that a little.

As far as the conversation you will have to have with your mate, that is a really hard conversation to get through. I haven't always had the best of luck with it, and if you would like me to elaborate further then I will.

I'm late to this thread, but Kiya and ravengirl said everything I wanted to say.

Explaining bisexuality can be frustrating, even if you're talking to well meaning people.

I've gotten the whole "you don't know what you want" or "you dont know you want to be with a woman/don't know if you're bi if you havent had sex w/ her" Really? Was your sexuality up in the air until you lost your virginity?

Yeah, I just went way off track, so I'm gonna shut up now

No, girl....let's keep the conversation going. I appreciate your thoughts! It is frustrating indeed, but at the end of the day either somebody gets it or they don't. If they still don't get it, I have no problem having these types of conversations because I think it's important to dispel the "myths" or stereotypes of bisexuality. I know who I am and I am comfortable with that. If they're not, then they can keep it moving.

Also, for those that have an emotional attachment to both....how do or did you decide which sex to seek a LT relationship...how did you know it would be the opposite sex versus the same sex.

I mean, is it like " I like men 70% but women only 30%?"

I can imagine it might be that way for some people, and a lot of heterosexual people will make the argument that if you have a higher preference for one sex then you should just claim the sexuality that coincides with the dominant preference. In your example, a heterosexual person would argue that since you make a statement that says "I like men 70% and women 30%" you should forget about the 30% and just identify with being straight. It is not that cut and dry. We happen to be attracted to people that just happen to be male and female.

For me, it boiled down to the person I was drawn to the most. At the time that I met my husband, I was playing the field and seeing both men and women. When I met him though, I was just drawn to him more so than everyone else who happened to be on my roster at that time, so I shut everything else down to pursue a relationship with him. I didn't even reveal that I was bisexual until we had been together for a year. That was an internal struggle that I had been going through for a while, and I decided that was something that I needed to tell him. He took it very hard and it was not an easy conversation to have, but it needed to be said.

I could see myself saying that to someone. I've always thought that bisexuality WAS ABOUT SEX. Especially for the males that just want to see two women (DH included) together. What do call the guys?

My sister operates several adult novelties shops which I am a partner. We went to Vegas for the "convention" this year and of course "2 chicks and a d$$K" is advertised everywhere and it's about sex. The folks that come to the shops and want to leave flyers advertising a "whatever party"...it's about sex. I've just never seen or thought there was any emotional attachment to it.


Especially with young girls....I'm talking about high schoolers...it's seems like it's the latest fad...everybody can't be mix or a red bone but anybody can pretend to be BI.
.

If two guys just want to see 2 girls together, I would think that that is more like voyeurism. But most times, they don't want to just see 2 girls together, they want to participate and they want their mate to take an active role in the tryst and not just look like she's dying for it to be over. And most times when 2 girls get together, it is not always about sex, the same way that when two heterosexual people get together it is not always about the sexual aspect unless it is a jump off.

 

[Transformer]

I want to thank everyone for the "maturity" of this thread. It's really been enlightening for me. At my age, and in my business....you think you know EVERYTHING. Wrong!

 

[Honey Bee]

I'm not bi, but... uh.... I thought a lot of this was well known.

eta: I thought it was very grown-up of him to tell her the truth at such a young age. Now, that's taking care of it up front so it don't stick out the back. Since they were already in love, she was smart to marry him, cuz you know for a fact: he will always keep it 100.

 

[JustKiya]

I want to thank everyone for the "maturity" of this thread. It's really been enlightening for me. At my age, and in my business....you think you know EVERYTHING. Wrong!

I'd like to thank YOU for asking such insightful and mature questions, as well. Usually, these type of topics get ran off the track before any solid knowledge can be dropped, so thank you again for making it possible.

I'm not bi, but... uh.... I thought a lot of this was well known.

Girl, no. Especially within the black community, there is a LOT of misunderstanding and out and out falsehoods believed about bisexuality.
And if your expose to bisexuality is limited to what's in the media? Well, it makes sense. And that's one of the things that many homosexual 'throw' at bisexuals - the fact that we can 'pass' as straight, and sometimes do, unless we are openly bi. They often feel like it gives us an 'out', so we don't have to deal with the orientation issues. *shrug* Sometimes they are right, but a lot of times, when we are out - well........... here comes the assumptions.

 

[shortycocoa]

Yeah black men and their resistance to labels.

I guess I'm wondering if being bi means that you must a). like same-sex sex, b). be able to form an emotional attachment with members of the same sex and c). want to? Is it a little more fluid???

I'm starting to understand (and believe) men who purport that although they like sex with men they want to build lives, relationships and families with women.

I have a female co worker who dates men but, on occasion, has sex with women. She's like, "I don't wanna marry (or date) them I just like what they have going on down there."

I'd say those men and my co-worker are bi.

Does that make sense?

It makes sense to me too...I've also heard a lot of my gay male friends say the same thing--that while they are in the lifestyle right now, they do eventually want to be married and have children with a woman. And those same men have told me some salacious stories about the married men they were meeting that were looking for sex from them. These married men all had wives who had no idea that they were going out at a certain time at night to meet gay men for sex.

And they would all put on this front as if they were nothing but heterosexual the next day. It's real and it happens. That was probably hard for the guy from the article to be so open with his wife about that, but there are a lot of people who never reveal that part of their lives to their mates.

There are also heterosexual men who just like being penetrated with dildos or butt plugs, or just like or even prefer oral sex from a gay male. That's their preference...who are we to judge? EVERYONE has preferences, no matter what sexuality they identify with.

That makes perfect sense, to me. I was saying in the Kinsey thread that it's so fluid, and just having three boxes for every 'flavor' of sexuality/emotionality and the combinations there-of is rather - limiting. We just do the best with what we have.

can you post the link to that thread?

 

[JustKiya]

can you post the link to that thread?

Here ya go!! http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=480042

 

[Meritamen]

Also, for those that have an emotional attachment to both....how do or did you decide which sex to seek a LT relationship...how did you know it would be the opposite sex versus the same sex.

I mean, is it like " I like men 70% but women only 30%?"

Sorry I'm late on this. I haven't made a conscious decision to be with one or the other. When I was first dealing with the realization of my sexuality (which I struggled with big time) I did try to gauge my attraction by percentages but I now think that it's unnecessary. I like who I like. I know it sounds cliche but a person's gender isn't a factor to me.
In general I feel more attracted to women. I have just become interested in dating and can see myself with either a man or a woman. It doesn't matter. It kinda sucks that I can't have a Massachusetts wedding where I live but that's okay.

I gave this deeper thought this morning. I'm still hung up on the term "openly bisexual" but he is monogamous.

Could I be "openly adulterous" but monogamous? If you aren't pursuing relationships with anyone how can you be "openly ?? I contend that it is the act not the thought that define labels.

What was meant by saying that he is "openly bisexual" is that he is not closeted. That he is out of the closet. You're probably equating it to an "open relationship" but what he is saying is that most people, or at least family and friends, know that he is bi.
Like I wouldn't say that I'm openly bi or out (even though I just came out to all of LHCF lol) because I'm not out to most of my friends and family and I definitely wasn't out at work. Hope that makes sense.

 

[Honey Bee]

Girl, no. Especially within the black community, there is a LOT of misunderstanding and out and out falsehoods believed about bisexuality.
And if your expose to bisexuality is limited to what's in the media? Well, it makes sense. And that's one of the things that many homosexual 'throw' at bisexuals - the fact that we can 'pass' as straight, and sometimes do, unless we are openly bi. They often feel like it gives us an 'out', so we don't have to deal with the orientation issues. *shrug* Sometimes they are right, but a lot of times, when we are out - well........... here comes the assumptions.

You're right, I just thought that now, in these "modern times", people would be more aware. I'm kinda sad they're not. Then again, as a kid (in Manhattan, in the 80's) my mom's bestie was a fabulous gay man, so... I never grew to think of sexuality in boxes. The fluidity was very clear to me.





Hmmm. In writing that, I felt like a white person talking about black people and I'm just now 'getting' the comparisons to racism. Hmmm. I learned something after all.

 

[Meritamen]

As far as the conversation you will have to have with your mate, that is a really hard conversation to get through. I haven't always had the best of luck with it, and if you would like me to elaborate further then I will.

Please do elaborate. I haven't had much luck with bringing up my sexuality to lesbians. They always ask and then don't like the answer, so needless to say I don't phone numbers. I know a lot of lesbians think bi women are going to cheat and leave them for a man or that we're crazy. It's not fair! Give me a chance.
But I have more luck with guys. They get excited by it because what they hear is "I'm cool with threesomes" and that is just as annoying.

... a lot of heterosexual people will make the argument that if you have a higher preference for one sex then you should just claim the sexuality that coincides with the dominant preference. In your example, a heterosexual person would argue that since you make a statement that says "I like men 70% and women 30%" you should forget about the 30% and just identify with being straight. It is not that cut and dry. We happen to be attracted to people that just happen to be male and female.

Exactly. I used to feel that I should just say that I'm gay because it would be "easier" but it still felt like I was lying. I'm not going to deny my feelings just because other people aren't comfortable with it.

 

[JustKiya]

You're right, I just thought that now, in these "modern times", people would be more aware. I'm kinda sad they're not. Then again, as a kid (in Manhattan, in the 80's) my mom's bestie was a fabulous gay man, so... I never grew to think of sexuality in boxes. The fluidity was very clear to me.





Hmmm. In writing that, I felt like a white person talking about black people and I'm just now 'getting' the comparisons to racism. Hmmm. I learned something after all.

*grin&nod* Those comparisons always made sense to me, though I usually get e-stoned when I mention it. *has a flashback* *shudder* But yes - that's one of the things that always lightweight baffled me about how the AA community tends to address/handle/view alternative sexual orientations - how can a oppressed minority chose to oppress another minority? *shrug*

 

[Transformer]

You're right, I just thought that now, in these "modern times", people would be more aware. I'm kinda sad they're not. Then again, as a kid (in Manhattan, in the 80's) my mom's bestie was a fabulous gay man, so... I never grew to think of sexuality in boxes. The fluidity was very clear to me.





Hmmm. In writing that, I felt like a white person talking about black people and I'm just now 'getting' the comparisons to racism. Hmmm. I learned something after all.

Girl,

My best friend for 35 years is a gay male and I dont' know this stuff. But I came from the world of "bi-poles" where something is either "on" or "off." I admit, I have allowed the media to define "bisexual" for me and I thought if you were "openly" that meant that you were engaging in the behavior....but the thing about ....can you be a heterosexual and virgin.... was a good analogy.


I also have to come out of my closet of shame. I lost a very good friend of 20 years over her bisexuality. I thought she was a liar, really gay, and that I really didn't know her. It's hard to believe but I felt more betrayed than her husband. My DH told me my behavior was nonsense but I stuck to my position anyway. She was going to name her DD after me.....and I blew it!

 

[Honey Bee]

*grin&nod* Those comparisons always made sense to me, though I usually get e-stoned when I mention it. *has a flashback* *shudder* But yes - that's one of the things that always lightweight baffled me about how the AA community tends to address/handle/view alternative sexual orientations - how can a oppressed minority chose to oppress another minority? *shrug*

Honestly, I still feel a little... "unsettled", I guess, by the analogy. As I work it out in my head, I think the feeling stems from my belief that black Americans, and by extension, black people, are unique, and special in this world, because we stand out visually (mostly). Not better or worse of course, just different, and more easily/widely oppressed. Because gay or bi people could technically, possibly, if they really had to, "pass". They might in their mouth a little when they do it, but it could possibly be done.

Does that make sense? How do you reconcile it? Is there a better, more direct racial analogy?


eta: I forgot, EbonyBee, that's crazy, and unfortunate, but I'm glad you shared it. The worse part is, she's probably a zillion times more hurt than you are. Her heart is probably broken. I hope this thread gives you a tiny bit more insight, and you call her to apologize. Go get your friend!

 

[JustKiya]

Honestly, I still feel a little... "unsettled", I guess, by the analogy. As I work it out in my head, I think the feeling stems from my belief that black Americans, and by extension, black people, are unique, and special in this world, because we stand out visually (mostly). Not better or worse of course, just different, and more easily/widely oppressed. Because gay or bi people could technically, possibly, if they really had to, "pass". They might in their mouth a little when they do it, but it could possibly be done.

Does that make sense? How do you reconcile it? Is there a better, more direct racial analogy?

No, not really. And I think that's usually where most people run into a wall of uncertainty about the comparison.

I'm of the opinion that if you even have to considering 'passing' - there is an issue. And passing can be as subtle as not having family pictures on your desk, to as blatant as marrying a woman knowing damn well you are gay.

The fact that it's easier to hide the difference, in my opinion, is an excuse to make their oppression seem less oppressive, if that makes sense.

And it's not a direct/equal comparison, anymore than people who try to tie the Holocaust to the Slave Trade can make a direct/equal comparison between the two. It's just the closest historical phase that can be related. Not identical, but closer than almost anything else.

ETA: Oh, wow, Ebony - call her. Seriously, call her, and apologize for your assumptions & ignorance. I hope you can rebuild your relationship with her.

I nearly puked when I came out to my best friend, because I was horrified that her reaction would be to cut me off, or to assume that I wanted in her pants. Thankfully, she laughed at my stress, called me sister, and gave me a hug - but it was harder than coming out to my mom was.

 

[Honey Bee]

No, not really. And I think that's usually where most people run into a wall of uncertainty about the comparison.

I'm of the opinion that if you even have to considering 'passing' - there is an issue. And passing can be as subtle as not having family pictures on your desk, to as blatant as marrying a woman knowing damn well you are gay.

The fact that it's easier to hide the difference, in my opinion, is an excuse to make their oppression seem less oppressive, if that makes sense.

And it's not a direct/equal comparison, anymore than people who try to tie the Holocaust to the Slave Trade can make a direct/equal comparison between the two. It's just the closest historical phase that can be related. Not identical, but closer than almost anything else.

@1st, you meant that in response to the 'able to pass' theory, right?

@2nd, you'll get no argument from me on that point, of course that would be a major freakin issue, but I mean, in the heat of the moment, say a gang of malcontents wanted to beat/harrass/whatever some black people, we're pretty obvious. Meanwhile, if there were a gay couple who didn't engage in a lot of PDA, they could avoid the beatdown, if they really wanted to, which is a whole 'nother can of worms.

@3rd, please explain. Do you mean, for example, it's not easy to track the gay population's income growth? Like, it's hard to track trends because they're not a visually obvious group?


As I ruminate on this some more (I don't get to use that word enough, lol), it occurs to me that being gay/bi would actually be more difficult than being black, because your parents aren't (necessarily) gay, and that network isn't there from a young age. Aha! Maybe it's more like being a poc adopted by white people and raised in a white area. (???) Better?

 

[*~*Afrolicious*~*]

I could never date anyone that's bisexual. It would disturb me too much knowing that while I'm watching "I, Robot" and thinking naughty thoughts about Will Smith that my SO is daydreaming about being infiltrated by Will. I appreciate everyone's differences and accept any friends of mine that came out as bi, but I know what I want and I want a heterosexual husband.

I do respect the couple in the story for being open and honest and creating a marriage plan for them that works

 

[JustKiya]

@1st, you meant that in response to the 'able to pass' theory, right?

@2nd, you'll get no argument from me on that point, of course that would be a major freakin issue, but I mean, in the heat of the moment, say a gang of malcontents wanted to beat/harrass/whatever some black people, we're pretty obvious. Meanwhile, if there were a gay couple who didn't engage in a lot of PDA, they could avoid the beatdown, if they really wanted to, which is a whole 'nother can of worms.

@3rd, please explain. Do you mean, for example, it's not easy to track the gay population's income growth? Like, it's hard to track trends because they're not a visually obvious group?


As I ruminate on this some more (I don't get to use that word enough, lol), it occurs to me that being gay/bi would actually be more difficult than being black, because your parents aren't (necessarily) gay, and that network isn't there from a young age. Aha! Maybe it's more like being a poc adopted by white people and raised in a white area. (???) Better?

No, the first was to your comment as to whether there was a better/more direct racial analogy - sorry.

2nd - excellent point. And I'm certain you weren't saying this, but it doesn't make the malcontents cool. Saying 'well, just hide' isn't really a - functional/longterm solution, ya know?

3rd - No - I think that it makes it 'easier' to say/believe things in your second point - well, since they can hide, they have it 'easier', and shouldn't compare themselves to the Civil Rights struggle. The thing that makes me giggle with that, as well, is that a lot of the leaders of the CR struggle could almost pass themselves.

Not only are they not gay, they are likely to consider you being gay as a sign of their own failure, and something that can be....... eradicated from you.
It would be like a black mother trying to scrub the black off of her child, ya know? At least in the POC situation, usually the adoptive parents accept and support the fact that their child is 'different' in some ways.

 

[Honey Bee]

I nearly puked when I came out to my best friend, because I was horrified that her reaction would be to cut me off, or to assume that I wanted in her pants. Thankfully, she laughed at my stress, called me sister, and gave me a hug - but it was harder than coming out to my mom was.

Awwwww, but I could so see that as being more of a scary situation. I mean, your mom "has" to love you, "no matter what", right? But a bestfriend can run out the room screaming like Bill's wife on TB this week, and nobody will call her "a bad person". Well, people might, but she don't have to care.

My quarter sister (long story, lol) came out to me, and it was anti-climactic cuz I think she thought I was gonna freak. I was like, cool, you got a girlfriend? And then she pinky-swore me not to tell our big brother cuz he really be thinking he somebody daddy.


eta: I'm thinking about what you said ^^^, especially "@3rd" and after. Let me marinate on that for a minute.

 

[shortycocoa]

Please do elaborate. I haven't had much luck with bringing up my sexuality to lesbians. They always ask and then don't like the answer, so needless to say I don't phone numbers. I know a lot of lesbians think bi women are going to cheat and leave them for a man or that we're crazy. It's not fair! Give me a chance.
But I have more luck with guys. They get excited by it because what they hear is "I'm cool with threesomes" and that is just as annoying./QUOTE]

Yeah, we (as bisexual women) have it bad either way. The lesbians don't trust us and think we're going to leave them when we get ready for a man, or that they are lacking and can't ever measure up or offer us the same things that a man can. Then the men say they can deal with it because they're looking at it as a sex issue, and then when you want to not be with a man anymore because you've fallen for a woman, their ego is busted. I never understood why a lesbian would date a bisexual woman, and if she wanted a woman that just wanted women then she should date a lesbian woman like herself. But even that can be complex because lesbians still have to worry about their mates cheating with other women.

It is annoying to have "the talk" with a guy who is quick to jump on board because they see it as an opportunity for them to have a threesome...but most times if a bisexual woman is revealing the fact that she is bisexual to a male, it doesn't mean that she is automatically gung ho about having a threesome. I think some males miss the mark and fail to see that point.

I had an experience where I told a male I was seeing that I was bisexual (actually I didn't have to really reveal it....he came out and asked me) and he took it as an automatic license to go scouting for women for us to sleep with. Suffice it to say, that threesome never unfolded and we parted ways after a while. I always felt like he wanted to be with me for different reasons, one of them being that he liked the novelty and the "priviledges" he thought he was going to get out of me being bisexual and couldn't really go deeper than that to see me as a real person with feelings, etc. that he could get to know and build a relationship with.

There was really not much to that talk. Another time, when I was in college, I was dating another guy that I tried to discuss my sexuality with and he blew me off. He treated me and what I was trying to tell him as a big joke and he was really disrespectful and dismissive. That relationship didn't last either, for that and other reasons. I had met someone else (who happened to be a female) and I told him I didn't want to be with him anymore because I had met a girl that I really liked.

At that point he tried to act all brand new like he didn't know what time it was or that I didn't try to disclose my sexuality to him early on. He took it upon himself to go home and tell everybody he could find that "I was dyking" and was not into men anymore. Then fast forward a few years later...I met my husband (who was just my bf at the time) and I ran into my ex boyfriend at Wal*mart and he saw me with my bf and he looked confused as hell! The look on his face was priceless. To outsiders looking in, they do expect you to just "choose one side of the fence" but it just so happens that we have chosen. Our side of the fence just looks different from everyone else's.

Anyway, the girl I was dating thought that I was heterosexual and that she "turned me out" which is a whole 'nother can of worms...and then when I revealed to her that she was not the first woman that I had been with or desired to be with, it became a problem. She became even more insecure. I guess she was also a lesbian who was expecting me to "choose sides" so to speak, or maybe she expected that just because I was with her I wouldn't have had any more desire to be with men.

We broke up after 2 years....

When I got out of college I met another guy and we went on a few dates and I told him. He also didn't take it seriously. I pretty much had those same types of experiences and just decided to keep it to myself. But then before I met my husband I struggled with it again and felt like to not acknowledge that is denying a big part of who I am.

I talked to a lot of friends and it was split down the middle. Half of them told me not to tell him and half of them told me I needed to tell him and I should have told him a long time ago, especially if the relationship was that serious. So I told him. He took it really hard and was upset about it but it opened up a lot of other discussions and we're married now.

He did tell me that if I had disclosed my sexuality to him when we first met, he would not have wanted to continue pursuing a relationship with me. It hurt, but I appreciated his honesty. He tells me now that there is nothing I could tell him that would make him look at me differently or love me any less.

He has jokingly asked me on numerous occasions if I used to be a man or a serial killer.

I told him the answer to both of those questions is no. He said he knows everything he needs to know about me then. Come this August, we will have been together for three years. We've only been married since December though.

So my advice to you is if the person is mature and you sense that they can handle it, try to have the discussion early. If it's somebody who really loves you or is really into you then it won't matter. But they do need to know, because you are taking a choice away from them. That's the only thing that I regret about my experience with my husband, and we have had that discussion also.

The worst thing you could do is not discuss it and then waste time with the wrong person , or discuss it with the wrong person, because in my opinion, everybody does not need or deserve to know. I had to learn that lesson the hard way as well.

Exactly. I used to feel that I should just say that I'm gay because it would be "easier" but it still felt like I was lying. I'm not going to deny my feelings just because other people aren't comfortable with it.

My husband still doesn't understand this aspect of it. He has asked me numerous times why I am still calling myself bisexual if I am married to him and he is a male. The plain and simple answer is that that is not who I am and who I identify with. We haven't had that conversation in a while, so I don't know if he really gets it or if it's just something he can only tolerate to discuss in small doses. Either way he says I have helped him clarify a lot of stereotypes and misconceptions that the media perpetuates about bisexuality.

Girl,

My best friend for 35 years is a gay male and I dont' know this stuff. But I came from the world of "bi-poles" where something is either "on" or "off." I admit, I have allowed the media to define "bisexual" for me and I thought if you were "openly" that meant that you were engaging in the behavior....but the thing about ....can you be a heterosexual and virgin.... was a good analogy.


I also have to come out of my closet of shame. I lost a very good friend of 20 years over her bisexuality. I thought she was a liar, really gay, and that I really didn't know her. It's hard to believe but I felt more betrayed than her husband. My DH told me my behavior was nonsense but I stuck to my position anyway. She was going to name her DD after me.....and I blew it!

Thanks for sharing that story! I agree with the other ladies; I think you should call her (if you still have her number) and make amends. Just explain to her that you were in a different place in your life and didn't understand a lot of things. People fear what they don't understand. I think she would be open to hearing from you. Now go get your friend back!

 

[Transformer]

No ladies, I don't think the relationship can be redeemed. I was a complete A$$. She told me as we were having lunch, she was on a business trip to my town. I acted all calm and supported in the restaurant but was actually apalled. I was so upset that I fishtailed my truck AND ran out of gas.

I then distanced myself by being highly critical of her actions about anything. Some months later she moved to my town and I was impatient and not really a good friend. I justified this by saying she was stupid for allowing herself to get played by a mutal acquaintance of ours....he introduced her to the other lady and he shot pictures of them together which infuriated me.

I really thought it was about sex, because for YEARS she had confided that her boyfriend/DH wasn't well equipped and didn't please her in bed....and my view was that if it's about sex....teach him how to perform oral sex...because that's the commonality. Now ladies it didn't help that I told her not to marry this guy BECAUSE SEX WAS AN IMPORTANT PART OF MARRIAGE! I then got mad her DH when he was so accepting.

We still aren't speaking...but I'm willing to give her a call.

 

[ladysaraii]

I'm so late coming back, but I want to touch on some of the things mentioned upthread

I could see myself saying that to someone. I've always thought that bisexuality WAS ABOUT SEX. Especially for the males that just want to see two women (DH included) together. What do call the guys?

My sister operates several adult novelties shops which I am a partner. We went to Vegas for the "convention" this year and of course "2 chicks and a d$$K" is advertised everywhere and it's about sex. The folks that come to the shops and want to leave flyers advertising a "whatever party"...it's about sex. I've just never seen or thought there was any emotional attachment to it.


Especially with young girls....I'm talking about high schoolers...it's seems like it's the latest fad...everybody can't be mix or a red bone but anybody can pretend to be BI.
.

I think that is part of people's confusion. I think of sexuality as attraction first and foremost, because who you are sleeping with and who you want to be sleeping with can be two different things. ie gay men who marry women for social reasons.

And to some extent I think it's a fad to be bi...or rather its a fad to APPEAR to be bi these days. Which, as a bi woman, is really annoying b/c no one takes real bisexuals seriously.

I've had a lot of people tell me that they don't beleive that bisexuality actually exists (which is always special, i mean how are you going to tell me what I am) and I do think this mess contributes to that.

*grin&nod* Those comparisons always made sense to me, though I usually get e-stoned when I mention it. *has a flashback* *shudder* But yes - that's one of the things that always lightweight baffled me about how the AA community tends to address/handle/view alternative sexual orientations - how can a oppressed minority chose to oppress another minority? *shrug*

I think Wanda Sykes touched on it when she came out and she said discriminatoin is discrimination. I dont think anyone is saying that the gay population has the same history as the black community, but there are some shared elements there. besides, at the end of the day, I dont have time to play 'my oppression was worse than your oppression' games. it just holds us all back.

Please do elaborate. I haven't had much luck with bringing up my sexuality to lesbians. They always ask and then don't like the answer, so needless to say I don't phone numbers. I know a lot of lesbians think bi women are going to cheat and leave them for a man or that we're crazy. It's not fair! Give me a chance.
But I have more luck with guys. They get excited by it because what they hear is "I'm cool with threesomes" and that is just as annoying.


Exactly. I used to feel that I should just say that I'm gay because it would be "easier" but it still felt like I was lying. I'm not going to deny my feelings just because other people aren't comfortable with it.

I'm still in the newly coming out and meeting people phase, so this should be interesting. but I hear a lot that gay women dont want to date bi women b/c we might leave them for a man. I'm like I could leave you for another woman so how does that make it any better?'

This has been a lovely discussion ladies!

 

[shortycocoa]

I'm so late coming back, but I want to touch on some of the things mentioned upthread



I think that is part of people's confusion. I think of sexuality as attraction first and foremost, because who you are sleeping with and who you want to be sleeping with can be two different things. ie gay men who marry women for social reasons.

And to some extent I think it's a fad to be bi...or rather its a fad to APPEAR to be bi these days. Which, as a bi woman, is really annoying b/c no one takes real bisexuals seriously.

I've had a lot of people tell me that they don't beleive that bisexuality actually exists (which is always special, i mean how are you going to tell me what I am) and I do think this mess contributes to that.


I'm still in the newly coming out and meeting people phase, so this should be interesting. but I hear a lot that gay women dont want to date bi women b/c we might leave them for a man. I'm like I could leave you for another woman so how does that make it any better?'

This has been a lovely discussion ladies!

you made some good points! I've had people tell me the same thing...that they don't think bisexuality exists and that we are "claiming" to be bisexual because it is more socially acceptable or that we are afraid of the stigma and ramifications that come with being a lesbian. It's all frustrating.

Then you have the influx of men who don't understand, especially when they see porn or lesbians in real life who get down with sex toys and whatnot. Some of my own friends have asked why is it that women do that, and why not just go be with a man?

I also agree with what you said about it being a fad to be bi or appear bi...and my mom even made a point a while back when a lot of people (male and female) were coming out of the closet. She was just like, "is that the style these days, or the thing to do?"

And regarding your last point about leaving a woman for another woman or man, that's so true too! I have said that to people a lot. It makes men and women wary of us. Sometimes men are more wary than the women because it really sinks in to them that we have options, and we're not afraid to explore those options.

Good luck with coming out and meeting people. It's not always easy but you always have our support!

I love the discussion...just thought I'd re-state that so let's keep it going. I think it's nice that the thread turned into something positive when it was looking like it could have been a bad train wreck.

 

[Guapa1]

Agreed.

It's so interesting to me how people will come down on couples who decide to proactively discuss and come to an agreement about the status and definition of their relationship, while so many others operate under assumptions that may or may not be shared by their partner.

My friend and I were talking about this, but not about sexuality. There were stories in the tabloids about how crazy the actress Helen Bonham Carter and her husband are because they live in separate houses. I think it's fab, they've communicated and found something that works for them, what's wrong with that?

I'm still learning about this, my cousin was dating a woman for a good couple years and I had assumed she was gay. Then she started talking about settling down and marrying a guy and I was like

Now she's single and dating, it's still really surreal to hear about her date with a guy that was great, or one with a girl that was bad. Joke is man or woman, the dating scene seems pretty dire!

 

[Celestial]

I didn't bother to read the whole thing. I had to stop. This bisexual man that this woman is married to is sexual promiscuous like all gay/bisexual men and there is no way he is living a monogamous relationship with his wife. No Way! That woman better get tested for AIDS and file for divorce. For that woman to think that he is being monogamous and isn't sexual promiscuous further proves that women really aren't aware of homosexual/bisexual behavior. That woman better get tested. Her story isn't uncommon since a lot of women are married to bisexual/homosexual men. They may pretend that they don't know but it is hard for me to believe a woman can live with someone who is bisexual and don't have any suspicion of his "unusual" behaviors and habits. I'm certain this man is screwing her up the rear. The best and easiest way to catch AIDS. I feel sorry for the woman.

 

[Celestial]

maybe i missed it, but i didn't see anything in the article to suggest that he is actively engaging in relationships with other men.... the article specifically stated that they've had an 18 yr monogamous relationship... so while he's attracted to both men and women, i don't see anything suggesting that she's "sharing" her husband with anyone...

Oh she's sharing her husband! Bisexual/homosexual men are sexual promiscuous and in now way that man is just laying up with his wife. There's no way that man lived a monogamous relationship with that woman for 18 years. That man is creeping with other men and I hope that women get tested. Bisexual/homosexual men almost never wear condoms.

 

[Celestial]

I wasn't able to read the entire article. I'm feeling sick. How the hell can she compare her husband being bi to not taking out the trash. This man is trash and he is gay. She's desperate to stay with him and she must not value herself to feel like its acceptable to share her husband with another man. She better pray she doesn't get sick from it. As soon as I read that he's a doctor for the gay community I already knew.

Your thoughts are correct. I feel sorry for so many women. I'm not surprised that some posters don't find anything wrong with this and actually believe that bisexual man lived a monogamous life with his wife for 18 yearserplexed. All I have to say is I hope she doesn't have AIDS.

 

[Celestial]

Very interesting article. I'm glad he came out to her because he gave her a choice. I'm not sure what I would do in the same situation. It's easy to say I'd walk away, but y'all who have been in love know it's not that simple.

Love is a choice. It can be simple if the individual really wants it to be. You can choose to stop loving at any given time for any reason. It's really a choice.

 

[Celestial]

Guys,

I admit that I'm confused. They uses the term "monogamous marriage" but he is "openly bisexual." Are they playing with terms? Its really hard for me to take the sink, line, and hooker and believe that he hasn't engaged in sexual trysts with men....just call me skeptical.

You're another smart one. I think your skepticism is on the right track. I feel so sorry for women who see this as "cute" and okay.

 

[Celestial]

Bisexual does not = loose and unable to control sexual urges.

Yes it does. All bisexual men and women cannot control their sexual urges and they are addicted to sex.