Ladies....why am I single?

Missi

Missi

New Member
I know ur thinking somethin is wrong w/ me but its not me (hope not). I'm 22 yrs old, I graduate in Dec '10 w/ BS in CJ, working on becoming a forensic investigator...I'm a nice girl...my parents raised me well, smart, I can cook, always kind to others, etc.

So why am I single?

I have no idea where to meet educated guys who want a relationship. I did meet 1 guy..graduated and got a manager position @ walgreens. Has himself together & his own place @ age 23. He's extremely cocky and it didn't work out.

I know what I want and I can't find it. Where should I look, how do I search?
 
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Why would we think something is wrong with you? Have you read any of the many threads with women asking the same question - where the quality men at?
 
-Let go of the "woe is me" attitude.

-Be proactive. I don't live in NJ so I know nothing about the social scene but you have to venture out. Go to nice lounges, bookstores, coffee shops, professional events, games, etc. Men are out there.

You are still in college..are you involved in any clubs? Branch out if not.
 
Since you're still in college, have you REALLY tried looking there? You're in the prime area to meet educated men, so it's definitely a starting point. It gets harder to find them once you're out of college. Make sure to hang around areas near the college as well...HTH
 
Stay away from self involved guys. They are way too blind to the fact that a good girl may be standing in front of them, they may not be ready, or they will be more than willing to corrupt you. Look for qualities inside of him (which can sometimes be hard for a 22 yr old t o do). Enjoy your time with your girlfriends and the boys will flock to you.. You can have your pick when that happens. Hope all makes sense.
 
I remember one time when I feeling was pretty distraught about the fact that I wasn't in a relationship and wasn't meeting men I would consider relationship material. I heard about some book called "Why Am I Still Single" or some such thing and went to the book store to buy it.

When I went up to the counter this older, white man who was working there took a good look at me and then looked at the book and said. "My dear, I can't sell you this book because you don't need it, you're lovely just as you are and any man worth a d*mn can see that....there are some great books here look around and I'm sure you'll find something else to buy". Turns out the guy was the owner of the store and kind of a local legend in the community.

I didn't buy the book and ended up getting another book that I'm sure served me better. But I've often thought about his comment, particularly when I was in a dating dry spell.

So OP, I will pass on his wisdom to you as well...."You are lovely just as you are any man worth a d*mn can see that"....Go out and live your life to the fullest (classes, travel, volunteering, other great adventures), be open and confident, and you will certainly attract a man worthy of you.
 
Don't even bother asking this question. You are single because you haven't met the right person yet. It doesn't mean something is wrong with you.

Just enjoy life. Stop looking. Stop wondering why you are single. When you focus on it, it makes things that much slower to happen. My mother always said a watched pot never boils. That's true. Enjoy this time you have now to do whatever you want without answering to anyone.
 
chocolat79 said:
Since you're still in college, have you REALLY tried looking there? You're in the prime area to meet educated men, so it's definitely a starting point. It gets harder to find them once you're out of college. Make sure to hang around areas near the college as well...HTH
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My school is dominately white :93%: to be exact...I am attracted to white guys also but I prefer black...and the quality of black guys on my campus is not good at all.

I'm also apart of a sorority, and a senior so I know majority of the black guys (who live on campus) and let me tell you... to the frats...its all about having the prettiest gurl...everyone else smokes weed, non matured, or just not my type.
 
i don't think this board is the right place for that question. :) we hardly know you.

you are young. 22 is young. you have a lot of time to meet guys. really. it's when you get older that you can start to -really- worry.

but don't worry. enjoy your life and do the things that make you happy.
 
ambergirl said:
I remember one time when I feeling was pretty distraught about the fact that I wasn't in a relationship and wasn't meeting men I would consider relationship material. I heard about some book called "Why Am I Still Single" or some such thing and went to the book store to buy it.

When I went up to the counter this older, white man who was working there took a good look at me and then looked at the book and said. "My dear, I can't sell you this book because you don't need it, you're lovely just as you are and any man worth a d*mn can see that....there are some great books here look around and I'm sure you'll find something else to buy". Turns out the guy was the owner of the store and kind of a local legend in the community.

I didn't buy the book and ended up getting another book that I'm sure served me better. But I've often thought about his comment, particularly when I was in a dating dry spell.

So OP, I will pass on his wisdom to you as well...."You are lovely just as you are any man worth a d*mn can see that"....Go out and live your life to the fullest (classes, travel, volunteering, other great adventures), be open and confident, and you will certainly attract a man worthy of you.
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OMG...tear. this is just what i needed to fix my little frustration...thank you for your kind words. Law of Atrraction - i needed to hear that.

thank you everyone
 
Would you consider online dating?

Go to new places and make some new friends. New friends can mean a new social scene which could be exactly what you need right now.

Venture outside of your comfort zone.
 
I believe myself to be a late bloomer at least in relation to my friends, I didn't have a proper date till I was 19. First thing I learnt is to relax and be myself, and stop overthinking stuff.

To meet the kind of guys that would appeal to you I say go to places where you're likely to meet them certain bars in nice residential neighbourhoods, not "poser bars" (not clubs-though I had a wonderful relationship with someone I met at a club), restaurants, house/friend's celebrations, weddings, gallery showings, fashion events, nice parks, fun comedy nights etc. In fact my girls and I used to take turns picking quirky nice activities to do and we met a LOT of cool guys/people that way.
 
You're not supposed to be looking/searching for him. Work on building your qualities and skills, and he'll come along. Get your career going, buy your own home, buy the Range, learn to cook foods from around the world, travel and enjoy "you". Trust me, you won't have to find him, he'll find you.

Men love to see a woman doing her thing, doing it well and to be happy doing it. Have your short term and long term goals and keep working towards improving you. Men are intrigued by what they don't know, and feed off of confidence and a woman that's sure of herself.
 
GreenD said:
You're not supposed to be looking/searching for him. Work on building your qualities and skills, and he'll come along. Get your career going, buy your own home, buy the Range, learn to cook foods from around the world, travel and enjoy "you". Trust me, you won't have to find him, he'll find you.

Men love to see a woman doing her thing, doing it well and to be happy doing it. Have your short term and long term goals and keep working towards improving you. Men are intrigued by what they don't know, and feed off of confidence and a woman that's sure of herself.
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Looking was how I found the man I'm about to marry in four months, in addition to all the other stuff that you mentioned.

If I hadn't been looking, I'd probably still be single and wondering why.

So, if a woman has herself together and is living a full life, but still has not had Mr. Wonderful enter her life, I'd say that looking would probably be a good idea.
 
LoveisYou said:
Bunny how did you go about looking
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Online dating, matchmaking, singles events, general young professionals events.

I never chased men, but I was determined to do things that would help me meet men that I wouldn't normally encounter otherwise. Because I don't care how much you do for yourself -- there's always going to be groups of men that you just won't encounter UNLESS you specifically make it a point to put yourself in places where they might be.

After that, I let them ask me out, etc. But I at least made sure that I was in their presence!
 
Bunny77 said:
Looking was how I found the man I'm about to marry in four months, in addition to all the other stuff that you mentioned.

If I hadn't been looking, I'd probably still be single and wondering why.

So, if a woman has herself together and is living a full life, but still has not had Mr. Wonderful enter her life, I'd say that looking would probably be a good idea.
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Congratulations on your engagement, I'm glad you found what you were looking for!! While we don't share similar experiences, to each her own. It's great to know both options work, as I'll be married 5 years this year.

OP, do what works best for you and keep us posted with how things work out!!
 
GreenD said:
Congratulations on your engagement, I'm glad you found what you were looking for!! While we don't share similar experiences, to each her own. It's great to know both options work, as I'll be married 5 years this year.

OP, do what works best for you and keep us posted with how things work out!!
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Thanks! :)

And I think the bold is key.

I know that people have ended up in wonderful relationships and marriages in a variety of ways (not looking, looking), so that's why I always try to present my perspective.

I was a person who did everything that was suggested above in terms of working on being the best possible woman that I could be and was also someone who took people's advice to not "focus on men" while I was getting my education.

So while it was good that I was never all caught up or distracted by some silly boy when I was in high school and college, I started noticing after a while that I was doing all the things that everyone said would cause men to supposedly notice me... and I was still single into my late 20s-early 30s. All of that awesomeness I was building up over a decade and they STILL weren't "finding me."

I think that sometimes, women can come off as being so DISinterested in a relationship that men pick up on that... and DON'T approach.

In the OP's case, I definitely don't think there's anything wrong with her being single and it might not be the right time for her to have a relationship. But, if she's anything like how I used to be -- sooooo focused on doing me and not exactly in places where I could meet men -- then she might do well to put a deliberate focus on socializing more with the opposite sex and then seeing what happens from there.

Whatever though, I know we all wish her the best!
 
Bunny77 said:
Thanks! :)

And I think the bold is key.

I know that people have ended up in wonderful relationships and marriages in a variety of ways (not looking, looking), so that's why I always try to present my perspective.

I was a person who did everything that was suggested above in terms of working on being the best possible woman that I could be and was also someone who took people's advice to not "focus on men" while I was getting my education.

So while it was good that I was never all caught up or distracted by some silly boy when I was in high school and college, I started noticing after a while that I was doing all the things that everyone said would cause men to supposedly notice me... and I was still single into my late 20s-early 30s. All of that awesomeness I was building up over a decade and they STILL weren't "finding me."

I think that sometimes, women can come off as being so DISinterested in a relationship that men pick up on that... and DON'T approach.

In the OP's case, I definitely don't think there's anything wrong with her being single and it might not be the right time for her to have a relationship. But, if she's anything like how I used to be -- sooooo focused on doing me and not exactly in places where I could meet men -- then she might do well to put a deliberate focus on socializing more with the opposite sex and then seeing what happens from there.

Whatever though, I know we all wish her the best!
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I agree, and thanks for clarifying!! I was thinking there's some overlap/confusion in what we're both saying. When I mention "doing you", I mean going out and enjoying life because YOU want to, you know? Being consummed with you first and foremost, and guys second. Like if you're genuinely interested in... say basketball, why not get season tickets? Or if you love cooking, why not take a culinary arts class? In either case you're not necessarily "looking" to meet guys, but you're taking part in something you're genuinely interested in doing. So while you're there cheering on your favorite team or making the bomb souffle, meeting a guy is an added bonus, it's just not the primary reason you go to the game or the class.

Please forgive me, but I chuckled at the bolded. I think a lot of women take this literally, and I honestly didn't get it until after I graduated from college. I figured this out, and it made a hellavu lot more sense when I swore off of guys and just viewed them as play things/accessories, and focused on me, me, me, me. I made a calendar for the next 6 months of all the things my friends and I were going to do (as a group and individually), and I'd actually started doing them. My calendar consisted of having a toy/martini parties, traveling, going on shopping trips, spa trips, etc. My goals consisted of finishing my master's, buying a townhouse (I was preparing to stay single for a while) and living it up!! My plans were modified a couple of months into all of this once DH came, and the rest is history.

So I say this all to say that when I started (literally) dating, spoiling and really focusing on myself, guys took notice, and you will definitely have options. OP, what are some things you enjoy doing? Whatever they are, get out there and enjoy it! You never know who may share similar interest.

In finding you, you'll find him. (Yeah I watch too much Half & Half, but it's the first time that statement made sense). :grin:
 
We're probably hijacking this poor girl's thread... :lol:

But I think I might need to clarify a little more too.

GreenD said:
I agree, and thanks for clarifying!! I was thinking there's some overlap/confusion in what we're both saying. When I mention "doing you", I mean going out and enjoying life because YOU want to, you know? Being consummed with you first and foremost, and guys second. Like if you're genuinely interested in... say basketball, why not get season tickets? Or if you love cooking, why not take a culinary arts class? In either case you're not necessarily "looking" to meet guys, but you're taking part in something you're genuinely interested in doing. So while you're there cheering on your favorite team or making the bomb souffle, meeting a guy is an added bonus, it's just not the primary reason you go to the game or the class.
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I completely agree with this!!! And I can say that at least in my case, this is exactly what I did. I got involved with things that I enjoyed simply for the purpose of enjoying them, not looking for men. My fiance said that he liked that about me, so I completely support this! :)

Please forgive me, but I chuckled at the bolded. I think a lot of women take this literally, and I honestly didn't get it until after I graduated from college. I figured this out, and it made a hellavu lot more sense when I swore off of guys and just viewed them as play things/accessories, and focused on me, me, me, me. I made a calendar for the next 6 months of all the things my friends and I were going to do (as a group and individually), and I'd actually started doing them. My calendar consisted of having a toy/martini parties, traveling, going on shopping trips, spa trips, etc. My goals consisted of finishing my master's, buying a townhouse (I was preparing to stay single for a while) and living it up!! My plans were modified a couple of months into all of this once DH came, and the rest is history.

So I say this all to say that when I started (literally) dating, spoiling and really focusing on myself, guys took notice, and you will definitely have options. OP, what are some things you enjoy doing? Whatever they are, get out there and enjoy it! You never know who may share similar interest.

In finding you, you'll find him. (Yeah I watch too much Half & Half, but it's the first time that statement made sense). :grin:
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Now, this is where there might be a bit of a misunderstanding here. :) Some women never swear off guys because men weren't really around in the first place. What if you've ALWAYS been focusing on you, you, you and doing all of those things that we agree on (I traveled up a storm, bought a house, etc.), and the man DOESN'T come along? Oh, and I did date... had fun too... didn't get too serious about any of them... well, okay, just one (lol), and still, the right man didn't come.

There are plenty of fun, emotionally healthy, active and wonderful women who are not hung up on men and doing all of the things that have been suggested who DON'T have the right man "just come along." The right men DON'T notice, and the women DON'T have options.

In my case, the men came when I put an ad on an online dating site and went to a singles' group, told the organizers that I wanted to meet someone and get married, and they introduced me to a man they knew who said the exact same thing. By finally putting the focus on being in a relationship instead of continuing to "do me," I finally ended up with Mr. Right.

I just don't think that emotionally healthy women who have a full life focused on themselves need to sit around if nothing is happening with their love lives and keep waiting when there are things they can do to meet a man in the meantime. Just because it happened for others when they weren't looking doesn't mean it's a universal rule... otherwise, a whole lot more women that I know, at least, would be married now!

Edited to add: The original poster is 22, so I think she has a lot of time to just enjoy life and see what happens naturally, so to speak, with men and relationships. I wouldn't be too worried about this if I were her right now... a few years later and same ole', same ole'? Then I'd suggest doing more.
 
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22 is a wonderful age! Start your career and your life. Get to know the one who arranges all lasting marriages and He will reveal to you his plan for your life, whether it is to be married now or later. God Bless!
 
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