http://www.racialicious.com/2007/06/06/know-your-place-woman-bets-meet-the-faith-on-black-marriage/
[Warning: Long post. You might want to grab a snack…] BET has been dead to me for a while now.
I would have to say I stopped watching BET in high school. With the occasional channel flick to check out music videos, nothing on BET interested me. Not 106 and Park, not BET Nightly News. Nothing.
So imagine my surprise when my best friend called me up and told me to turn on BET, like ASAP.
“They are talking about the state of black marriage!” she yelled, then hung up the phone.
I flipped over to the channel, fearing the worst.
On BET’s Meet the Faith, host Dr. Ian Smith hosted an honest and forthcoming discussion about marriage in the African-American community.
From the tone of the panel to the how the subject matter was covered, it is obvious that we have a long way to go.
The show was set up with two short segments - one black woman’s testimony about marrying outside of the race and an attorney’s venture into blind dating, along with BET personality Cheming interviewing people on the street about their thoughts and feelings about marriage.
The main event, however, was the panel discussion. Ian Smith hosted the discussion, and the featured guests were Dr. Tiy-E Muhammed (billed as an Author and Relationship Expert), Lauren Lake (a legal analyst) and Thomas Lopez-Pierre, Owner of the Harlem Club.
Automatically, I am put on edge. What kind of conversation happens in a 2-on-1 setting? One would at least imagine you would put an equal number of guests when discussing matters of gender.
Some key quotes from the discussion (and a little bit of my reactions) are as follows:
“Black men don’t want a partner, they want wives.” — Lopez-Pierre
It should be noted that Lake jumped all over him for making this assertion. Lopez-Pierre went on to argue that a partner indicates an equal. While I could not catch everything he said (which is why I can’t quote this part), he stated that having an equal or a partner basically means he has to respect the time of his partner, which would mean he would need to do things to help out like make dinner, or clean the house, which is something he refuses to do. Ergo, he wants a wife - not a partner. Lopez-Pierre talks about his relationship with his wife as an example. It is interesting to see where he draws the distinction - a partner is someone you have to pay attention to, a wife is a person who accommodates her man. This perspective is revisited later in the broadcast.
“Every man in his soul wants to be with one woman, one you can trust.” — Muhammad
Muhammad says this, but later alludes to issues women have, like dating outside of their race or not being able to take care of men the way they “should” be taken care of. Every man wants to be with one woman - eventually, and that woman has to be the epitome of femininity and blackness.
The conversation zigzags a bit at this point, which leads to Lake referencing slavery, and its historical ties to forging strong women who were forced to step up to the plate. While I do agree with her assessment, the comment makes me wince a bit - it reminds me of the split-personalities black women experience within our selves. On one hand, there is the strong black woman archetype - she needs no man because she can do everything herself. On the other hand, there is that need to prove that a black woman still is a woman - hence Lake’s assertion that she takes care of her man. She repeatedly references doing things “for her man” - but isn’t it taxing to be expected to do everything?
“A lot of black women today are putting career before family.” — Tiy-E Muhammad
Again, it is the black women’s fault for the dismal state of marriage. This harkens back to the gender roles discussion. Lopez-Pierre also gave his two cents, saying that while he wants his wife to work outside the home, it should be obvious where her priorities lie.
“You can find women who are hot, intelligent - but have the wrong attitude.” — Unknown
I did not catch the commenter who said this quote, but it was either Muhammad or Lopez-Pierre (most likely the latter.) Again, the focus comes back to black women having the wrong attitude about marriage - but what is the right attitude? To be willing to lay aside everything you worked for in order to have a functional relationship?
Lopez-Pierre again takes another opportunity to drive home his opinion that women need to focus more on being wives and supporting their husbands. Apparently, that will enable women to catch a good man. (Interestingly enough, none of these men mention the need to be financially independent as one of the triggers of modern feminism was women being abandoned by the husbands they devoted themselves to, becoming destitute and dealing with the double blow of emotional pain and financial stress.)
“We spend more time planning our wedding than we do on our lives.” –Muhammad
Muhammad makes an excellent point here, explaining how priorities are often skewed when entering a marriage. People are often caught up in the moment, and fail to have the important discussions about things that ultimately impact the marriage - each partner’s expectation in housekeeping, financial contributions, childrearing, and the roles to be adopted in the household.
“If I cheat on my wife, it is not a reason for her to divorce me…if a wife cheats on her husband, she would be a whore.” –Pierre-Lopez
WTF, man.
The conversation continued to be very woman-focused. The panelists eventually delved into the “black woman marrying outside their race” issues. The overwhelming encouragement - from both the panelists and the BET conclusion - is that women should be patient.
Muhammad seriously questioned if dating outside the race a is realistic option.
Again, WTF, man.
Obviously, it is an option and has been an option as long as humans have found ways to mingle with each other. It was absurd to me to see a relationship expert act like dating outside of your ethnic group was an strange and new trend.
BET also aired a short segment around this part of the discussion, covering the testimony of a black woman who found love with a white man. While the woman encouraged black women to open their horizons, Muhammad seemed to be dead against the idea.
The idea of interracial dating/marriage double standards was also brought up for discussion. Apparently, the panel believes that men are judged more harshly than women for dalliances outside of their race. I disagree - while men may be on the receiving ends of snap judgments, women also feel the wrath of men when they chose to date outside their race. And if you are dating outside of your race, and the guy happens to be white…you might as well wear a tee-shirt with “race traitor” branded on you. Men will be quick to dismiss you as “the girl who dates white boys.” The judgments work both ways, panelists.
[Warning: Long post. You might want to grab a snack…] BET has been dead to me for a while now.
I would have to say I stopped watching BET in high school. With the occasional channel flick to check out music videos, nothing on BET interested me. Not 106 and Park, not BET Nightly News. Nothing.
So imagine my surprise when my best friend called me up and told me to turn on BET, like ASAP.
“They are talking about the state of black marriage!” she yelled, then hung up the phone.
I flipped over to the channel, fearing the worst.
On BET’s Meet the Faith, host Dr. Ian Smith hosted an honest and forthcoming discussion about marriage in the African-American community.
From the tone of the panel to the how the subject matter was covered, it is obvious that we have a long way to go.
The show was set up with two short segments - one black woman’s testimony about marrying outside of the race and an attorney’s venture into blind dating, along with BET personality Cheming interviewing people on the street about their thoughts and feelings about marriage.
The main event, however, was the panel discussion. Ian Smith hosted the discussion, and the featured guests were Dr. Tiy-E Muhammed (billed as an Author and Relationship Expert), Lauren Lake (a legal analyst) and Thomas Lopez-Pierre, Owner of the Harlem Club.
Automatically, I am put on edge. What kind of conversation happens in a 2-on-1 setting? One would at least imagine you would put an equal number of guests when discussing matters of gender.
Some key quotes from the discussion (and a little bit of my reactions) are as follows:
“Black men don’t want a partner, they want wives.” — Lopez-Pierre
It should be noted that Lake jumped all over him for making this assertion. Lopez-Pierre went on to argue that a partner indicates an equal. While I could not catch everything he said (which is why I can’t quote this part), he stated that having an equal or a partner basically means he has to respect the time of his partner, which would mean he would need to do things to help out like make dinner, or clean the house, which is something he refuses to do. Ergo, he wants a wife - not a partner. Lopez-Pierre talks about his relationship with his wife as an example. It is interesting to see where he draws the distinction - a partner is someone you have to pay attention to, a wife is a person who accommodates her man. This perspective is revisited later in the broadcast.
“Every man in his soul wants to be with one woman, one you can trust.” — Muhammad
Muhammad says this, but later alludes to issues women have, like dating outside of their race or not being able to take care of men the way they “should” be taken care of. Every man wants to be with one woman - eventually, and that woman has to be the epitome of femininity and blackness.
The conversation zigzags a bit at this point, which leads to Lake referencing slavery, and its historical ties to forging strong women who were forced to step up to the plate. While I do agree with her assessment, the comment makes me wince a bit - it reminds me of the split-personalities black women experience within our selves. On one hand, there is the strong black woman archetype - she needs no man because she can do everything herself. On the other hand, there is that need to prove that a black woman still is a woman - hence Lake’s assertion that she takes care of her man. She repeatedly references doing things “for her man” - but isn’t it taxing to be expected to do everything?
“A lot of black women today are putting career before family.” — Tiy-E Muhammad
Again, it is the black women’s fault for the dismal state of marriage. This harkens back to the gender roles discussion. Lopez-Pierre also gave his two cents, saying that while he wants his wife to work outside the home, it should be obvious where her priorities lie.
“You can find women who are hot, intelligent - but have the wrong attitude.” — Unknown
I did not catch the commenter who said this quote, but it was either Muhammad or Lopez-Pierre (most likely the latter.) Again, the focus comes back to black women having the wrong attitude about marriage - but what is the right attitude? To be willing to lay aside everything you worked for in order to have a functional relationship?
Lopez-Pierre again takes another opportunity to drive home his opinion that women need to focus more on being wives and supporting their husbands. Apparently, that will enable women to catch a good man. (Interestingly enough, none of these men mention the need to be financially independent as one of the triggers of modern feminism was women being abandoned by the husbands they devoted themselves to, becoming destitute and dealing with the double blow of emotional pain and financial stress.)
“We spend more time planning our wedding than we do on our lives.” –Muhammad
Muhammad makes an excellent point here, explaining how priorities are often skewed when entering a marriage. People are often caught up in the moment, and fail to have the important discussions about things that ultimately impact the marriage - each partner’s expectation in housekeeping, financial contributions, childrearing, and the roles to be adopted in the household.
“If I cheat on my wife, it is not a reason for her to divorce me…if a wife cheats on her husband, she would be a whore.” –Pierre-Lopez
WTF, man.
The conversation continued to be very woman-focused. The panelists eventually delved into the “black woman marrying outside their race” issues. The overwhelming encouragement - from both the panelists and the BET conclusion - is that women should be patient.
Muhammad seriously questioned if dating outside the race a is realistic option.
Again, WTF, man.
Obviously, it is an option and has been an option as long as humans have found ways to mingle with each other. It was absurd to me to see a relationship expert act like dating outside of your ethnic group was an strange and new trend.
BET also aired a short segment around this part of the discussion, covering the testimony of a black woman who found love with a white man. While the woman encouraged black women to open their horizons, Muhammad seemed to be dead against the idea.
The idea of interracial dating/marriage double standards was also brought up for discussion. Apparently, the panel believes that men are judged more harshly than women for dalliances outside of their race. I disagree - while men may be on the receiving ends of snap judgments, women also feel the wrath of men when they chose to date outside their race. And if you are dating outside of your race, and the guy happens to be white…you might as well wear a tee-shirt with “race traitor” branded on you. Men will be quick to dismiss you as “the girl who dates white boys.” The judgments work both ways, panelists.
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It's the same foolishness on a different day. 
