Keeping it Real IRL- Do You Tell Your Girlfriends: "He's Just Not That Into You"

[Cincysweetie]

I've noticed that y'all keep it real (too real? lol) on the board when it comes to members' relationship issues. I'm just wondering if y'all are like this with your friends IRL (in real life)? I have a friend who is wasting her time chasing after a dude who is obviously just not into her. She called me today all excited that in her words she "took control of the situation" and initiated scheduling a dinner meeting with the guy (a meeting that he said would happen back in May) and I just couldn't share her enthusiasm. I tried...but I've made these same mistakes in the past and I don't want to see her travel down the same path. She's such a sweet girl that deserves a good man who wants to spend time with her, and this guy just isn't it. I was thinking earlier how if this same situation was presented on the board I would've been told her GIRL K.I.M.!!! I just couldn't get those words out when I was on the phone with her and I almost feel like I did a diservice to her as a friend by not keeping it real with her.

So anyway, back to my original question...do y'all keep it real with your friends IRL the same as on the board?

 

[Lilakoi’s_Sister]

if it's that same friend that i always have to tell "he just wanted that a**. you shouldn't have given it up so soon. do better next time," then no i don't keep it real. i just nod my head and say, "well if that's what you want to do..." but if it's someone that actually seems to have a grasp on reality then i will tell them what i think in a honest, slightly tough way.

 

[bimbabe]

I try to
But the same way posters on here be making excuses for their men my friends do the same sometimes.
So you try to be supportive and pray that it works out how it should.

 

[Cincysweetie]

if it's that same friend that i always have to tell "he just wanted that a**. you shouldn't have given it up so soon. do better next time," then no i don't keep it real. i just nod my head and say, "well if that's what you want to do..." but if it's someone that actually seems to have a grasp on reality then i will tell them what i think in a honest, slightly tough way.

She is not that friend...she is the friend that's a little naive, mixed with a some hopeless romantic, and a heap of super nice and optimism. But this has happened before! I think because some guys take advantage of those qualities. I think it's great that she has that outlook on life, I just wish those qualities wouldn't...cloud her judgement. I guess when it's all said and done she's an adult...and makes her own decisions. I probably won't say anything...

 

[Cincysweetie]

I try to
But the same way posters on here be making excuses for their men men friends do the same sometimes.
So you try to be supportive and pray that it works out how it should.

I think that's probably the best route in this case. Especially since MY judgement is probably clouded b/c I think the guys is a jacka$$! Maybe he's gotten his ish together over the last six months....

 

[Lilakoi’s_Sister]

She is not that friend...she is the friend that's a little naive, mixed with a some hopeless romantic, and a heap of super nice and optimism. But this has happen before! I think because some guys take advantage of those qualities. I think it's great that she has that outlook on life, I just wish those qualities wouldn't...cloud her judgement. I guess when it's all said and done she's an adult...and makes her own decisions. I probably won't say anything...

i have a friend like that too. she ended up marrying the guy despite what i said. if i had to do it again i probably would not have said anything either.

 

[Iansan]

Only if they ask, I don't typically give unsolicited advice or opinions...

 

[sr24]

Yea ITA...only if they ask as well...because sometimes you have to let other people experience certain things so THEY know when they are making a mistake...because you can tell somebody a million times that the guy isnt into them but they arent going to believe you until they see it through their own eyes

 

[glam-]

I've tried to gently convey that to friends, y'know, ask some pointed questions to get them thinking, but it rarely works. They don't usually see until it's too late.

When I've gone further with the tough love it felt horrible to me, although I think because I don't do it much, my message sunk in a little- but grown folks will only change course in their own time.

 

[Divine Inspiration]

Only if they ask, I don't typically give unsolicited advice or opinions...

I agree with this for folks I don't know well. Cincy, I agree with you that you did a disservice to her by not telling her the truth.

My friends know that I am not about appearances and partial truths. It is my obligation, IMO, as a good friend to tell the truth whether they want to hear it or not and regardless of what their opinion will be. I believe that's the difference between friends and associates...associates often tell you what you want to hear while friends tell you the truth.

 

[MizAvalon]

I did once with a friend and she didn't like it at all.

This was 3 or 4 years ago and the guy is still stringing her along.

I keep my mouth shut now.

 

[Filmatic]

Friends already know if they don't want an honest answer don't come to me.

I told chick he was trying to trap her by secretly trying to get her pregnant, she was stupid for leaving the dude that treated her right for him, don't marry him, the kids would look like him and he's NOT cute, just plain RUN. Did she listen? No.

So now she is stuck in a marriage with a man that is emotionally abusing her. I keep my mouth shut.

Don't even get me started on the other chicks. If they don't listen I keep it moving.

 

[Theo]

I certainly do with my real friends.... but I try to say it in the nicest way possible. I don't really believe in being brutally honest.... why not just be honest?

 

[Syrah]

I agree with this for folks I don't know well. Cincy, I agree with you that you did a disservice to her by not telling her the truth.

My friends know that I am not about appearances and partial truths. It is my obligation, IMO, as a good friend to tell the truth whether they want to hear it or not and regardless of what their opinion will be. I believe that's the difference between friends and associates...associates often tell you what you want to hear while friends tell you the truth.

Just wanted to add that my friends know me - they don't call me if they want someone to blow smoke, cuz that's just not what I do...

 

[HeChangedMyName]

I try to
But the same way posters on here be making excuses for their men my friends do the same sometimes.
So you try to be supportive and pray that it works out how it should.

and I thank God that my friends IRL are the same. Thanks to them---and some of my online friends, I have gotten out of some ungodly relationships.

 

[JustKiya]

I think I'm more blunt in person and if I really care about you than I am online, so yeah, I'll tell my girlfriends what I really think about their relationships - I don't care if you asked for advice or not, if you keep coming to me whinging bout the same ish, I'm going to give you an earful.

I'm trying to tell one of my girls now that her husband don't give a ish about her, and her mama is telling her the same thing - but ah, love. I really worry about her when he comes back from Iraq - man ain't wrapped tight.

 

[Ms Red]

If asked by a close friend, I would give her my honest opinion.

My close friends give me theirs.

 

[LovinLocks]

Don't know if your friends situation is still a "situation"; but, I would S T R O N G L Y encourage her to read Greg Behrendt's book. Girrll, that booked helped me so much in '06. I recommend it to every woman, along with books by Michelle McKinney Hammond . I would INSIST that she read that book. It's not a hard read, and she can finish it in a couple of hours.

 

[*5+5]

I use to "keep it real" but not anymore. I have a friend that isn't talking to my right now for keepin' it real w/her and it's been about 3months now. Dude is thuggin' her out pretty severely and I just couldn't take it anymore. I guess I kept it too real.

Sad thing is, now I tell my girlfriends to talk to someone else about it. I'm too afraid of saying the wrong things and my heart won't let me lie.

They have a running joke now where they say don't ask 5+5, she'll tell u...girl it's aight stay w/him, he blackened your eye? Oh well hang in there

I don't understand females that get all upset w/u about this type of stuff...I love for people to give it to me str8, I can count on my sister for that, she'll get the truth told

 

[Keen]

Funny you mention that. I was talking to my roommate about my current relationship. She said she didn't want to say anything BUT she want me to think about what would I say to someone in the hair board in that situation. I was like . She straight out call me out. So I had to had to give myself a pep talk.

 

[CurliDiva]

Most of my friends (and myself included) are so excited about the guy that they have rose-colored glasses on.

Meaning a bad habit is "cute" or "unigue" when you first get together. It only starts to bug yo when the haze wears off and you come up for air!

As a friend, I feel I should be there for support but every adult needs to make there own decisions, especially in relationships.

 

[blkbeauty]

It strongly depends on the situation. Sometime, honesty is needed. I had a friend who was repeatedly cheated on. It had gotten to the point where I had to speak up in a non confrontational way.

However, for the most part I stay out of it. I have learned the "hardway" how you can tell someone that the other person is no good for them and it backfires. One, they will take sides with their SO and turn their back on you for telling them the truth or they'll listen leave and then 2 months down the line the couple is luvy duby again. Also, although my relationship is fairly good, its not excellent therefore I will not proceed to give THAT type of advice unless my situation is perfecto!

In most cases I pray or give advice only from what I am familar in my own experiences.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Umm...Usually I'll "keep it real" and be honest with my friends when it deals with important stuff. But if it's something having to do with a guy that she likes, and is chasing after, then I won't just dash her hopes and dreams to pieces.

Instead of just plain out saying: "girl...that guy is SOOO not into you! Move ON already!", I'll just suggest that she doesn't chase after him, and allow HIM to make the moves and pursue her. Because, who knows?? Maybe this guy IS into her, but is getting turned off from her chasing after him. I dont' know. I usually don't like to state absolutes when it's dealing with OTHER people and their feelings, because honestly, I don't really know 100% what that guy is feeling for my friend. I can take a pretty good guess by his actions (or lack thereof), but I wouldn't bet my life on it! The truth of the matter is, we don't know WHAT someone is really thinking/feeling unless they tell us.

But, I would tell her in a heart-to-heart way that pursuing guys just did not work for me in the past, and that she should slow her role down, and let him pursue her. I'd honestly tell her to cool it, and that if he's interested in her, then he will eventually show it. But I don't think I would have the heart to just tell her outright that some guy is NOT into her. She may get defensive, hurt, or feel like I'm not on her side. I know when I was smitten with a guy, it would hurt me when people would make negative comments like this, because I knew what I was personally experiencing.

So....I don't know, I guess it just depends on the situation. If it's just about some guy, and not a matter of life/death/or something that involves her safety, then I'll just give her some friendly advice, mixed in with my OWN personal experiences in life. But if it's something/someone that could potentially harm her, then I'd be VERY serious, and VERY firm.

 

[MD_Lady]

...So anyway, back to my original question...do y'all keep it real with your friends IRL the same as on the board?

I'll give an honest answer to an honest question, but I don't give unsolicited advice (especially since most folks are really looking for validation anyway).

 

[HeChangedMyName]

Don't know if your friends situation is still a "situation"; but, I would S T R O N G L Y encourage her to read Greg Behrendt's book. Girrll, that booked helped me so much in '06. I recommend it to every woman, along with books by Michelle McKinney Hammond . I would INSIST that she read that book. It's not a hard read, and she can finish it in a couple of hours.

2006 was that year. That book had a lot of brothers heated. It also helped me out of a bad situation. It didn't all set in at once, but the more I refered back to the book the more I was like. . . . I'm out!!! I was also on Michelle Hammond that year. "What to Do Until Love Finds You" is an amazing book.

 

[daydreem2876]

I am honest with my friends IRL but I also think there is a way to go about it. A friend of mine always prefaced these conversations with "I can't tell wheter not not to stay with you man and I will be here to support you no matter what you choose but this is what I see..." This gives us a way to be honest with one another, express our concerns, and agree to disagree on how we handle our personal lives. But, frankly I thank God that the few friends I friends who care enough about me to be honest with me and call me on my ish (and I in turn for them) than people who just tell me what I want to hear and offer no support at all

 

[TLC1020]

I try not to be judgemental b/c my relationship is not perfect either but I can't help but say -->he's showing you better than he can tell you<--and mostly leave it at that.. A person is not tired until they are really tired and fed up... So until then I just say really.. wow.. forreal... geesh

 

[Mai Tai]

I only keep it real if my friend asks for advice, and even then I always ask first, "Can I be honest?" If they just need someone to vent to, then I just listen...

A lot of people really do not want to hear the truth so it depends in if my friend is really ready and open to hear what I have to say.

 

[glamazon386]

I have but it didn't go over well. You can't tell grown folk what to do. Now I only give my opinion when asked unless it's really out of control.

 

[Cincysweetie]

I have decided not to say anything, unless and until she asks my advice- which she hasn't. At the same time, I'm not gonna sit up there and say "Oooh girl, I'm so glad y'all are working it out, etc." I'll just smile and knod because I don't think that she really wants to hear what I have to say. I also don't want to come off as being negative. Thanks ladies for all of your responses.