It's Easier to be Natural If...

[Irresistible]

Yep... I really think this is true.

I have no regrets going and staying natural because I see the overall benefits on my hair. However, I wish people would be a little more open minded when it comes to the way someone wears their hair. I think natural hair is sometimes considered "unkempt" in some peoples minds. My mother is natural but wears her hair flatironed. The other day she was out minding her business and it was raining outside. A man (with a relaxer) walked up to her and told her she needed a touch up.

Thats a dang shame!

I live in So Cali too and IMO its pretty diverse although definitely favorable of relaxed hair more. I have deep rooted fears I will be out one night with my pressed/reverting hair (it almost always does some reversion) and someone wil clown my openly and the whole crowd will fall out laughin

 

[Syrah]

What you're talking about has to do more with how much of you self-esteem you attach to your hair and less to do with your hair....ya know? I say that because I've been there. After a year of being natural, I started thinking "why did I do this to myself". My friends were all rockin these cute relaxed styles and my hair was in buns...constantly, cuz I couldn't do anything with it.

I had to learn to a) do me and b) appreciate what I've got going on.

And I know it's a process. I completely understand where you're coming from. You've got to let go of what people tell you is beautiful and start doing what you feel works for you - whatever IT may be.

I started wearing my hair thick - combing it out, adding some leave-in and throwing on a headband and calling it day. Surprisingly, I started getting compliments. LOL - fools in LA started calling me "African Queen" - thugged out, white t-shirt wearing, chains hanging type fools - cuz my hair is so thick.

But hey, it's me...

...and I like it.

 

[Syrah]

I also live in so cali - i feel like it's either permed hair with weave or curly natural "prideful" sisters. Nothing in the middle. In terms of style you're either a video chick or India Arie.... fashionable (like straight out of USWeekly) or soulful.

Which gave me fits because when I stopped perming, my hair was neither. My hair didn't curl up into a cute poof. And it was too thick (and not enough curl) to rock some Kelis-like styles.

 

[pretty_nappy_hair]

Poohbear,
I agree. I think young people get their hair hangups from home more than from society. If a child is taught at home that her hair is beautiful as is then she will probably be less likely to relax or not be comfortable in her own hair. A lot of young girls are relaxed at young ages. My aunt relaxed my hair I think at five (my texture hadn't even changed yet). Yes society and the media play huge roles but the biggest influence starts at home with MOMMY DEAREST. just my ramblings

 

[Cheleigh]

Just tagging in on the age aspect of this topic.... If one were to do a quick historical overview, it would confirm the point that hair issues run much deeper with the older/earlier generations in comparison to younger counterparts.

ITA. When I mentioned age, I wasn't talking about generational differences per se. I was thinking more about self-esteem related to physical beauty. Most of us over ((cough cough)) 30s realize that we are no longer the youngest, hottest woman in the room. We can't rely simply on our physical assets to attract people, because that just doesn't cut the mustard anymore. Also, if you've gained any wisdom and experience in your 20s, you notice a freedom in your 30s because you (should have) moved to a different point in how you define your own beauty and your own value advantages.

Of course, this is a generalization. There are plenty of women in their teens and 20s who have it together, and plenty of women in their 30s and 40s who don't have a clue.

When I decided to transition, how men/people would percieve my relative attractiveness was not a factor at all--I didn't even think about it. In fact, it wasn't until I visited hair boards that I realized that it was a factor for many people in deciding whether to go natural or not. Only then did I give it any thought.

 

[Papoose]

I'm in Detroit and its basically the same here. But I have also noticed more people wearing their hair natural or wearing weaves to achieve a natural look. It's definately regional.

I wonder for the ladies who have transitioned if you get a different type of guy approaching you now that you are natural?

It does make a difference. I think natural hair weeds out the riff-raff. Overall, I think the caliber and character of the men that approach me has improved. I will say that people of other races compliment me more on my hair. I've found that Black women Have been most critical of my appearance. I always have "sistas" looking at me like I need to run to get a tub of creamy crack ASAP!

 

[mahogany66]

Hello, Mahogany66... in a perfect world, the "hair is hair" remark would work. However, we live in a world and society that VALUES certain looks and in turn, DEvalues other looks. In this case, long and straight (and white) trumps short, textured, and black. Period. It is what it is.

In light of my "resistance" against the norm, it does provide the opportunity for me to be more "in tune" with myself, because I am no longer trying to be and do like everybody else. As of today, my hair has been relaxed WAY MORE than my hair has been natural, so it's been an intense transition. I do not "hate" those with relaxed hair. Actually, I "pity" (excuse me: have compassion for) those who don't know any better (and I mean those who only know their hair as relaxed) because the programming and conditioning (no pun intended) has been SO INGRAINED into them that they... well... amen....

Let me be clear: my points DO NOT APPLY to those who have experienced their hair natural and then went back to relaxed hair. At least those who have done this have been on both sides of the fence, if you will, and they are making a conscious decision to do so, understanding the risks of chemical use.

I understand where you are coming from but I choose not to be in box and judge people by how they wear their HAIR . I feel that being 'In-tuned" with yourself has more to do with your mentality and not what you choose to put in your hair once it comes out of your scalp... I could never PITY someone because they choose to STAY relaxed there is too much going on in the world to be concerned with something sooo small. There are alot of GREAT woman who choose to relax who does not DESERVE pity!!!

 

[PaperClip]

I think natural hair weeds out the riff-raff. Overall, I think the caliber and character of the men that approach me has improved. I will say that people of other races compliment me more on my hair.

Good that the riff-raff is being weeded out!!!! LOL! I agree that people of other races (male and female) compliment my hair (along with my skin).... I would say that this hair transition is affecting my overall health as I am more conscious about what I put into my body....

 

[Country gal]

, . On the other hand, I have had to decide if I want to be natural for me or other people, and wean my self off of having others validate me and my choices. In the end I'm choosing to embrace me and validate my own choices for my own style and lifestyle.

Great response

 

[Country gal]

Love your attitude countrygal! I didnt learn to love and accept natural hair until I moved from CA to MI. I am naturally around more AA then Hispanics. In CA Hispanics and Asians dominate the beauty scene and long silky straight hair was the preferred choice. Hollywood dosent help either. I found , growing up that most AA seemed to be clueless as to their hair texture and needs. Many just threw in a braid or weave. Most had relaxers. I was one of the relaxers. When I moved to the midwest more AA had more of a sense of black hair textures, options and i noticed all types of black textures. Some where totally natural, pressed relaxed, bantu knots, twists etc. curly waves. I was so impressed it caused me to completely abandoned relaxers and go natural. I press in the winter and gel in the summer. I love the natural wave pattern and kinky texture that my hair has! I love being AA and appreciate the difference. I feel more accepted here than in CALI hairwise. THere is a all around beauty of a Black women and Im finally feelin it! the confidence is magnatizing

Thanks

 

[pretty_nappy_hair]

Why do you think that is? I mean people of other races give more compliments to our natural hair than we can.

 

[1QTPie]

Sarafina, You dont have to defend your hair choices here. I dont think she meant to come across condescending. She was just being informative and stating facts, tho that is not always apparent in text.


I had been thinking of going natural since my first attempt 10-15 years earlier and after I found this site and realized I could transistion and not just BC like I did the first time I got really excited. THEN I started reading other women's experiences: husbands getting mad or leaving, coworkers freaking out, people thinking you were lesbian or militant, strangers feeling free to make comments or insult you. I almost chickened out. I didnt realize that natural black hair was such a powerful statement, that it held such policital sway, that people were actually threatened by it and had stong opinions about it. I was just looking for a way to not be dependent on relaxers and wanted to get out of the bondage of having to HAVE to relax my hair. Over all I'm glad I stopped relaxing but my cousin pressed my hair for my moms funeral service last week (my mom didnt care for my natural hair as well as relaxed and I wanted to honor her) and I was able to keep it looking nice with a couple of touch ups from a flat iron. I got so many compliments. I really miss that. I get compliments natural, especially my two strand twist, but I dont hear it every day like I used to as a relaxed head. On the other hand, I have had to decide if I want to be natural for me or other people, and wean my self off of having others validate me and my choices. In the end I'm choosing to embrace me and validate my own choices for my own style and lifestyle.

So sorry to hear/read of your mom's passing. May she rest in peace and I hope that you and yours are doing well.

 

[PaperClip]

Why do you think that is? I mean people of other races give more compliments to our natural hair than we can.

1. Other races don't have the same hair hang-ups/issues/programming as Black folks (women in particular).

2. Maybe the way our hair was when we entered the planet DOES LOOK THE BEST and therefore we look our best when the hair is chemically untreated? (Hmmmm....)

3. Maybe a person of color whose hair has looser curls has the best of "both" worlds?

4. Maybe those (or SOME of those) who wear their hair natural seem to exude a confidence and positive attitude that comes from a conscious choice that says "I'm doing me and I love me"? (Not saying that people with relaxed hair can't also have this same confidence).

1 is a statement; 2, 3, and 4 are only speculations on my part.

 

[OneInAMillion]

It does make a difference. I think natural hair weeds out the riff-raff. Overall, I think the caliber and character of the men that approach me has improved. I will say that people of other races compliment me more on my hair. I've found that Black women Have been most critical of my appearance. I always have "sistas" looking at me like I need to run to get a tub of creamy crack ASAP!

.

You're absolutely right! I'm not natural, but when I went to Sally's last week to pick up some supplies, the two Black women at the register were astounded. They asked me how can I possibly deal with natural hair, and at my age, why hadn't I considered a relaxer. I was wearing two braided plaits, and my hair is texturized. Meanwhile, same day I went to work and my BF, and all my White coworkers were in love with my new style.

I just mentioned this to say that yes, Black women are probably the ones who will have the most to say about the state of our hair. That in itself is a major problem, what we see in each other.

 

[Country gal]

*Sarafina*
I certaintly cannot relate to anything you've just said, and I have that 4a/b type natural hair. I do not care what anyone thinks about my appearance or my hair. And I think you missed the point of the 'feeling ugly' thread...it wasn't about feeling ugly because of natural hair, it was feeling ugly period, regardless of if your hair is relaxed or natural. From my experience, I've actually gotten more positive comments from blacks and whites alike. Yes, I've gotten negative comments like from my father when I went natural, but I was never emotionally distraught by anything negative. Yes, it can affect you in some way, but it didn't get me down.
I do not get this idea about being less attractive because of your hair type. Everyone has different personal preferences of what they are attracted to or not attracted to. Not all men (black men in particular) hate 4a/b hair. Some men don't even care what your hair looks likes. Its just this social ideology that you need to get rid of out of your minds.
Until women are strong enough to accept themselves and truly accept their hair as it is and let go of what others may or may not think and get rid of this 'good hair' ideal, that's when it can be easier to go natural.
Plus, what's so hard about it? You were born with natural hair. Okay, don't tell me...its harder to manage. Well, what other excuses are we going to come up with? And how can anyone answer that question of 'is it easier to go natural if you have that 'good hair'?' see, it all goes back to you're idea of what hair type you find more attractive. If you don't like your natural hair or you're not ready to go natural, examine yourself first. Get rid of these ideas and negative emotional things that are keeping you down about your hair texture. Its just hair. All hair types, naturally straight, naturally wavy, naturally curly, and naturally kinky are all beautiful. God created them all and they all have a unique presence in this world. Not all kinky haired women are without a man. Not all kinky haired women are emotionally distraught. Try it before you put it down like its hard to do. No hair texture is better than another, and once you realize that, it will be easier for you to go natural.

*Poohbear*

I couldn't have said any better.

 

[senimoni]

Relaxed head checking in. Short story....yes I would go natural if I had 3b/c hair.

 

[theAlist]

..... house. I had so many complements. I just knew folks would be like what the heck did you do to your hair.One of my white coworkers was like I love your hair. How did you get it to do that? I was thinking sometimes we are our own worst critiques.

Seemingly sweet- Natural hair is really a mental transition. To me of us have a relaxed mind but trying to go natural. When you learn to love yourself completely than you will get over the hang ups. I could very well not have any hair. I could lose my hair to a battle with chemo. Does it make me less beautiful?

Yes, I agree with the bold. I really had to get out of my "relaxed mind". With the pressure from my bother and my mom and dad, I would have gone back to a relaxer 4 months ago...but everyday I am learning something new about my natural texture...and everyday I love it more and more and the more I love it...the more my family starts to love it. Its all a mind game.

 

[Poohbear]

1. Other races don't have the same hair hang-ups/issues/programming as Black folks (women in particular).

Hey RelaxerRehab. I see that you said this is just a speculation. I wanted to respond to this particular one. I can tell you for a fact that this speculation is untrue. Check out some white women hair sites about hair issues. And especially some Indian websites like http://www.indiaparenting.com which has a link about hair and refers to straight hair being more preferred. There's even issues about skin lightening on that site.

 

[curlilocs]

I was beautiful when I had natural HAIR and I am beautiful with RELAXED hair. I HATE it when "naturals" feel that they are "more intuned" with themselves because they choose not to RELAX. HAIR IS HAIR and as long as we take care of it then 'IT'S ALL GOOD'!!!!!

You know I'm glad to read this comment. That emhasizes some of what I was saying. IT shouldn't matter what you do to your hair. We should wear the hair, the hair shouldn't wear us.

 

[PaperClip]

Hey RelaxerRehab. I see that you said this is just a speculation. I wanted to respond to this particular one. I can tell you for a fact that this speculation is untrue. Check out some white women hair sites about hair issues. And especially some Indian websites like http://www.indiaparenting.com which has a link about hair and refers to straight hair being more preferred. There's even issues about skin lightening on that site.

Hey, Poobear!

Actually this was the one statement that I deemed true for Black folk. I would suspect that other ethnic groups have similar issues and concerns, but not the same depth as Black folk.... Our "stuff" goes back to slavery times and no other ethnic group has faced such oppression and cultural rape as Black folk. With the Native Americans (genocide), they got pushed off their land; at least the Native American reservations have some form of cultural preservation; similar to the Jews (Holocaust) and Asians (concentration camps). (By NO MEANS am I discounting any of these human devastations!).

Even with the influx of Indian populations to the United States, again, there is a cultural preservation present. Even the Indian Parenting web site you referenced, there's the underlying message that when they deal with the mainstream population, there's a preferred look of straight hair, but when they go back home to their own culture, the hair is appreciated, for the most part. (And for all I know, there may be some hair hate going on, I really don't know because I'm not immersed in that culture)

But us, esp. Black women, as it has been said in this thread, there's very little appreciation for the variety of textures.

 

[Aubergold]

i think it would be easier for me if my hair was 3b. sad I know

 

[Soleado]

Hey RelaxerRehab. I see that you said this is just a speculation. I wanted to respond to this particular one. I can tell you for a fact that this speculation is untrue. Check out some white women hair sites about hair issues. And especially some Indian websites like http://www.indiaparenting.com which has a link about hair and refers to straight hair being more preferred. There's even issues about skin lightening on that site.

Anywhere there has been European colonization you will find folks that are struggling to maintain that standard of beauty. People from India have some of the same issues that we do in regards to features due to the British colonization there. Believe it or not a lot of Indian woman relax there hair as well.

My opinion on this as it has already been said is that it boils down to confidence and a healthy self-esteem. I don't understand why anyone would feel that they are not pretty unless they have straight hair??? I think the reason people coined the phrase "natural" for those of us without relaxed hair, is because this is the hair that our DNA produces. If you DNA does not produce straight hair then yes, it is not inherently yours. I could go out right now and get Lasik surgery to correct my vision, but that would not refute the fact that if I had a child I would pass on to him my bad eyesight.

This has been a great and informative post but it makes me sad. We as black people have made great strides. We know longer believe the lies that were told that were not human or smart, or capable of accomplishing great things. However, this lie that our hair types are ugly we cling and hang on to for dear life. This lie has been passed on from generation to generation. I doubt it will ever die out because we won't let it.

I think it would be nice for everyone to go natural at least once so that you could truly know what grows out of your head and how to effectively groom and take care of it. If you have children you will eventually have to deal with it and it would be better to have a good understanding and application.

Nevertheless, I know that not everyone is o.k with going natural and everyone has varying reasons for relaxing.

 

[Soleado]

You know I'm glad to read this comment. That emhasizes some of what I was saying. IT shouldn't matter what you do to your hair. We should wear the hair, the hair shouldn't wear us.

I agree. I hate when other naturals feel the need to psycho-analyze people's reason for relaxing their hair. This is especially of woman that they don't know and have never talked to.

However on the flipside of this, I have have seem far too many black woman who looked like or were 50 strands of hair from looking like Homer Simpson. NO JOKE!!! Yet these woman still had relaxed hair!!! If it were me I would grow that relaxer out with the quickness and at least try to preserve what hair follicles I had left. It is amazing and sad to me that women would rather be bald or balding, but they are gonna keep that straight hair no matter what!!

 

[Country gal]

Wantlonghealthyhair- Thank you, sweetie.\

Joyus- I agree. We need to stop basing our decisions on what men think. You are giving someone power that very well may not deserve it.

Soleado said ” I think it would be nice for everyone to go natural at least once so that you could truly know what grows out of your head and how to effectively groom and take care of it. If you have children you will eventually have to deal with it and it would be better to have a good understanding and application.” This is so true, Soleado. So many of us do not know our true hair textures.


I don’t believe it is an issue with your age. I see many older women that claim they would never go natural or go back to sporting a fro. If anything I see more younger folks rocking naturals.

 

[Poohbear]

Hey, Poobear!

Actually this was the one statement that I deemed true for Black folk. I would suspect that other ethnic groups have similar issues and concerns, but not the same depth as Black folk.... Our "stuff" goes back to slavery times and no other ethnic group has faced such oppression and cultural rape as Black folk. With the Native Americans (genocide), they got pushed off their land; at least the Native American reservations have some form of cultural preservation; similar to the Jews (Holocaust) and Asians (concentration camps). (By NO MEANS am I discounting any of these human devastations!).

Even with the influx of Indian populations to the United States, again, there is a cultural preservation present. Even the Indian Parenting web site you referenced, there's the underlying message that when they deal with the mainstream population, there's a preferred look of straight hair, but when they go back home to their own culture, the hair is appreciated, for the most part. (And for all I know, there may be some hair hate going on, I really don't know because I'm not immersed in that culture)

But us, esp. Black women, as it has been said in this thread, there's very little appreciation for the variety of textures.

Yes, this is true too! Now I see where you're coming from.

 

[PaperClip]

I think it would be nice for everyone to go natural at least once so that you could truly know what grows out of your head and how to effectively groom and take care of it. If you have children you will eventually have to deal with it and it would be better to have a good understanding and application.

ITA with this....

 

[Poohbear]

Anywhere there has been European colonization you will find folks that are struggling to maintain that standard of beauty. People from India have some of the same issues that we do in regards to features due to the British colonization there. Believe it or not a lot of Indian woman relax there hair as well.

My opinion on this as it has already been said is that it boils down to confidence and a healthy self-esteem. I don't understand why anyone would feel that they are not pretty unless they have straight hair??? I think the reason people coined the phrase "natural" for those of us without relaxed hair, is because this is the hair that our DNA produces. If you DNA does not produce straight hair then yes, it is not inherently yours. I could go out right now and get Lasik surgery to correct my vision, but that would not refute the fact that if I had a child I would pass on to him my bad eyesight.

This has been a great and informative post but it makes me sad. We as black people have made great strides. We know longer believe the lies that were told that were not human or smart, or capable of accomplishing great things. However, this lie that our hair types are ugly we cling and hang on to for dear life. This lie has been passed on from generation to generation. I doubt it will ever die out because we won't let it.

I think it would be nice for everyone to go natural at least once so that you could truly know what grows out of your head and how to effectively groom and take care of it. If you have children you will eventually have to deal with it and it would be better to have a good understanding and application.

Nevertheless, I know that not everyone is o.k with going natural and everyone has varying reasons for relaxing.

I agree with this totally!

It would be nice for all black women to see what its like to deal with their natural hair before unconsciously relaxing it continuously...

 

[so1913]

I agree. I hate when other naturals feel the need to psycho-analyze people's reason for relaxing their hair. This is especially of woman that they don't know and have never talked to.

However on the flipside of this, I have have seem far too many black woman who looked like or were 50 strands of hair from looking like Homer Simpson. NO JOKE!!! Yet these woman still had relaxed hair!!! If it were me I would grow that relaxer out with the quickness and at least try to preserve what hair follicles I had left. It is amazing and sad to me that women would rather be bald or balding, but they are gonna keep that straight hair no matter what!!

Co-signing Sally dropping in...

Soledo, you've made excellent comments in your last two post.

In regards to the bolded part, July 4th weekend this occurred...I have a friend who's hair is breaking off TERRIBLY due to over processing, it looks horrible. Another MALE friend and I suggested to her that she should take a break and try the natural route, at least to grow her hair out healthy and recover. I ask her can her natural hair look that much worse than her broken off, damaged realxed hair???

Her response....

"I can't, my hair is nappy, I don't have hair like yours, I got that N*GGER hair (hee hee)"

I BLEW UP on her, I was offended by it, she really didn't see what was wrong with what she said and kept on giggling about her comments....

How I interpreted it was that in her mind her natural, unstraightened hair made her a "N", that's the term she associated her natural hair with.

This is the mindset she has as well as others, and not to offend anyone by this, it seems like a common mindset of people in the south from my personal experience (she's from NC, I went to school in the south). Like you said, wish the mindset would change, but I don't think WE will let it.

 

[Crackers Phinn]

JCoily and nurse98, I'm not understanding this "yung'n" comment. I don't know how much older you all are, but I'm 22 years old and feel the same way as you all. I did not have more to overcome when I went natural. I didn't even care about what the society thinks or what the media portrayed. So what are you all talking about? I think age is truly irrelevant to your natural hair journey and challenges. I'm sure you can find some people 30 and up who are bounded by the society's standards of beauty.

I'm going to hold firm here. I very rarely read posts from 30+ women whose entire day/week/transition was ruined by folks talking about their hair regardless of hair type. BTW - <I will admit, I check birthdates when I read some posts so that I can get a better idea of what I'm dealing with.>

BTW - I believe age factors into hair goals across the board regardless of hair type. I haven't read many entries where older women on the board say that they are embarking on their haircare journey to 'prove to everyone that black women can grow hair'. Nope, that line tends to come from the youngsters. Why? Cause these are the folks who haven't learned yet that it's not about proving something to other people.

Are there exceptions to the rule. Yep, but an exception is not the norm. I belong to other hair boards and I know that you are too. You don't notice a pattern between the folks who feel a burning need to recruit new nappies (misery loves company, or 'let's feel persecuted together') and the folks who are laissez faire about being naturals. Check the birthdates for your answer.

 

[Crackers Phinn]

When I decided to go natural last year, that was not the problem in my case. My probelm was dealing with society's perception (or Southern California standards to be specific).

See, I live in Southern California and my perception is that a toned body trumps a hairstyle any day.