"It’s about women who have enough value and respect for themselves"

mallysmommy said:
Bumping. Would love to hear from you ladies who mastered the ideals presented in this book. My problem is that im so dang clingy. Its not so much that id do anything for a man just to satisfy him or keep him but more of something that i like to do for myself. I want to call them everyday and spend hrs on the phone. And if they want to do something at the last minute i would want to go not for them but because i would rather spend time with them than anything else.
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mallysmommy, I cannot say I have MASTERED anything. I am a work in progress. :) I think you have some work you need to do on yourself first. I am glad you can see your behavioral patterns. Some people never do and end up perpetually stuck in an abusive (not necessarily physical) cycle.

Men love a woman that has her own life. Now, if you had a girlfriend that always wanted to spend hours on the phone with you, always hang out with you and had no life outside of you, how would you feel? Perhaps smothered, right? Or annoyed? It might start to become less of a joy spending time with her when you actually were available. Men are the same. A BIG part of having things to do is not to impress a man but to nourish and fulfill yourself. A man is not supposed to BE your life but he is there to enhance what is already going well for you.

As for the last minute thing, if that happens by chance and you two are already further along in a relationship that is okay. But if you are getting to know a man and he is making last minute plans, most likely his "priority" had plans. When men do that, they want to see how much they can get away with dealing with you. You show a man how to treat you. If he sees you are a woman with standards and a schedule, he will fall into line.

I hope you know hon I am NOT saying this from a high horse or with condescension. I have made the mistakes I discussed and have learned from experience. LOTS of experience and I am continuing to learn. :yep:

Do you realize that most men do not rearrange their lives for women? They live their lives and however a woman can fit, is what works for them. If he is going to shoot hoops with his boys and you call wanting to go fabric shopping, he is not going to give his boys a rain check.

Do you have interests that keep you busy for your self-development? Perhaps: yoga, knitting, zumba, reading, et cetera? If not, if you find something you like it will make you less clingy and busy. And what about girlfriends to hang out with? They also keep you busy, happy and young. I find that clingy women do not have many activities outside of their man, which is what keeps them in their current state.

I wish you all of the best. :grin: :yep:
 
mallysmommy said:
Bumping. Would love to hear from you ladies who mastered the ideals presented in this book. My problem is that im so dang clingy. Its not so much that id do anything for a man just to satisfy him or keep him but more of something that i like to do for myself. I want to call them everyday and spend hrs on the phone. And if they want to do something at the last minute i would want to go not for them but because i would rather spend time with them than anything else.
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This used to me. Then i became single, developed interests, and read a few blogs...and although it's not a walk in the park because my default setting is to want to be with him regardless of what we're doing, i've learnt how to say no to spending every waking moment with a man.
I make plans for my life and live it, and he finds where to fit in. This is what 'chasing' means to me. For example, I love running errands with my man (i hate dates) so i tell him what imma be doing, say over the weekend. If he doesnt offer to join me then i dont ask. If a man REALLY wants to spend time wirh you, he'll find a way to do it, you shouldnt have to fall over backward to get time with him.
Disclaimer: i dont suggest errands instead of dates :nono:
 
mallysmommy said:
Bumping. Would love to hear from you ladies who mastered the ideals presented in this book. My problem is that im so dang clingy. Its not so much that id do anything for a man just to satisfy him or keep him but more of something that i like to do for myself. I want to call them everyday and spend hrs on the phone. And if they want to do something at the last minute i would want to go not for them but because i would rather spend time with them than anything else.
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I haven't mastered it yet but I am testing what I have learned with a new guy now. I am codependent so maintaining a healthy relationship is not easy for me. You really need to focus on yourself. Before you even think about pursuing something with someone else, work on building yourself up. Find a hobby. Focus on your goals. Strengthen your relationship with God (if you're religious). All of these things will make you appear more valuable to men. YOU are more important.

Make sure this man is a luxury in your life, not a necessity. You don't need him to survive. So that means do not make plans surrounding him. If he wants to make plans with you he will. If he wants to spend time with you he will. Men are that basic lol Give him space from time to time. Don't create habits of always hanging out and talking everyday. Once you do that, you are creating expectations for that person. You expect them to call, text, hang out as much as you do. Everything should be mutual and balanced. So if he's not calling you, don't call him to figure out why. Focus on your life first.

Make sure he knows you're capable of walking away at any given time. Don't remind him with words though; use your actions. Once he sees he can't manipulate you, he'll start treating you with respect. Or if he's an egotistical a$$, he'll chuck up the deuces and find someone he can. If you come across one of those say good riddance and keep it moving!

I have a lot going in my life and I'm focusing on the things I love. This guy has added to my life but I do not make him the center of it at all. If he doesn't call, I don't read into why he didn't. Remember that men are disposable so you don't have to give your all to just one person. Unless you know without a doubt they are your soulmate.
 
miss cosmic said:
Men dont respond to words they respond to action.

So true.
I am the type of person that spells things out over and over. I'm learning that this comes across as nagging, where i thought i was just being upfront about my expectations. I'm learning that good men know how to treat their women and if i'm not being treated the way i want after succintly stating my needs, it's not because he doesn't get it, but simply because he can't be bothered.
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Ummm... Could you kindly log out and get to writting a book on relationships? Okthanksbye.

I was one who thought being upfront about my expectations was enough, and I never understood why they sometimes just didn't "get it."
 
Great thread :yep: I loved both books. I got WMLB after college when I was trying to figure out the dating game. And really...just human behavior in general. I've found that alot of her principles (and I think she even states it in the last chapter), relate to how you deal w/ people in general.

The WMMB I got a few years afterwards and while a few of the principles were redundant, it confirmed that you basically keep the same "skills" intact as some of the married PP's have said.


Though I have since lost both books, there are some principals that I have always kept close. I haven't reread the 100 points in the OP, but I do remember the:

- Men respond to no contact....your silence is oh so golden
- In general, if you feel you're jumping through hoops, you probably are and need to step back....really the whole balance and know-how of the "pull-back" is key.
- If you find yourself worried/wondering why he isn't paying attention to you, start paying attention to yourself. So true. Again, the pullback.


And in WMMB....towards the end of the chapter, there's a lil section I bookmarked. It basically told you how to walk away from a relationship. But it was a piece that was so heart-warming b/c you think of the b**** as this cold-hearted thing w/ no feelings, but here you feel like..."okay, everybody feels like this":


.........damn I can't find the quote online. I was trying to google it. If someone has the WMMB book, can you quote pg210 (according to amazon). Where it says: "A b**** has strength of conviction. As painful as it is....."



Okay. I might go ahead and pick these books up.
 
I'm struggling with this divine and I'm seeing how it impacts my relationship. Unfortunately SO is very much attracted to scarcity and me, well I'm like the other poster who would rather do every and anything with him. The way I look at it is, if I want it to work I have to be that *****.

I spoke with a friend of his who was telling me he told him how much he should value me etc. he used an example of how he has to beg and nag his wife to do the smallest thing for him like buying shoelaces. SO told him that he doesn't ask for anything, I just already know how to "take care of him"
Lololololol silly silly me. I have to fall back HARD!
 
ive already read this book after my friend begged me to read it. i told her im à *itch refering to thé book.
i have always been à person that wont run behind à guy,even if i liked him i loved my liberty,doing what i want when i want and always independant.
im with my hubby and i remember not calling him,going out with my girls. hé used to call.and ask for us to.meet up i said no if i already had plans made,hé begged but i still said no some other time. i left him.liberty... i really recognized myself in the book. so funny to me.

it worked for me although i was just being myself.

my friend on thé otherside gives everything to the guy so fast and lives for him like at 95%! her relationships never worked up to now. i told her to read thé book she forced me to read. think more of herself rather than making all your plans depending on thé guys timetable.
 
in all my relationships when i dint really care...like i was not looking for à futur husband it turned out that the men wanted it to be serious,wanted to present me to their moms or family. i was definetly not ready for that! but they were.
really weard.....
 
Ive found that im standing my ground more. Ive been incorporating some of these ideas with family and friends as well. Ive also realized that I was too nice in some past relationships, granted I never stayed in relationships where I was being treated like a doormat, but,I also didnt speak my mind much. I wish I read this book when I was a teen, pre-dating years. Ive been paying close attention to others relationships and realized that some men will stay with a doormat, but the males that are in those relationships never marry those women. And those are the same females that complain day in and day out about the same things over and over again.
 
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I needed to re-read this thread (and book) again. Went on one date with a guy and had to be a b!tch because he acted like he didn't know how to treat a woman. Thanks again!
 
LOL, very good book. I read it and found I basically did everything in the book she said not to do. It was an eye opener. I was very young then, but I got the picture quickly. It can take years of unwinding to stop being "nice".
 
I read both books years ago. I loved them and she gives great advice. I will be re-reading my copy at home.

Now 2 examples:

When I didn't apply her principles:
I was in love with this dude even though we never went out. He would call me every other year or so to keep tabs on me. Every time he called I made myself available, talked to him for hours, divulged way too much info too soon and basically told everyone how much I liked him. He hinted that he wanted to make things more serious between us. He never did AND I PUT UP WITH IT. Eventually I got some self-esteem, told him that i refuse to talk to him because he was living with a girlfriend and haven't heard from him since.

When I applied the principles (although unknowingly)
I was dating this really good looking guy who I knew was a player. I told him up front that I'm not looking for anything serious. I stayed busy, went out with friends and had a blast. I ignored his calls often and called him back if I felt like it. He got really possessive, wanted me to check in with him, asked to meet my family and wanted a serious relationship!! Umm what?! I was baffled. In the end it didn't work out but my sister kept telling me: He wants what he can't have. Wow.
 
I didn't read all of these but the ones I did I fail on a lot of these. I think being available to my husband whenever he needs/wants has back fired.

I'll be applying everything on this list. Not for him but simply because I'm tired of doing my all for someone who takes it for granted.
 
Basically treat a guy the same way you d treat someone you don't like that much .
Be charming,feminine,bubbly ,fun but essentially dont care whether you re going to see him or not , whether he calls or not ,they should be out of your mind until they pop back up . Once you get to that level you re good .If you think too much about a guy or analyze his actions and words you re in a weak spot ,step back.
 
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