Is It A Red Flag If A Guy...

[Dposh167]

I'm not sure what to think about that because most women I know want a relationship ultimately with the person they are dating. Plus, I don't feel like he really answered the question. Like is he trying to say all the feelings were unrequited? They all had somebody else on the side? I just find it odd that he spent five years dating and having sex with people and didn't make a connection or nobody wanted a relationship. I'm still confused and on the fence. I mean I guess you're supposed to sew your oats in your twenties, but my heart just doesn't work like that so I don't understand it.

well the bolded is where the disconnect is. You don't operate like that but he does. and there are a lot of young people out there who have casual sex or relationships without commitment. I would judge him on where he stands now at 26.

 

[Bunnyhaslonghair]

Ok. So I'm not hesitant because I'm judging him for having sex (even though if he was promiscuous that's a turn off). That's not my point. What gave me pause is that how he is possibly having sexual relationships and dating for years on end yet says he hasn't found someone worth being in a relationship with. He never said he took a break from relationships. He said he hasn't found any of the women worth even entering a relationship with.

That I find odd considering it's been 5 years. (Of looking for one and sex'n)

 

[*~*Afrolicious*~*]

Ok. So I'm not hesitant because I'm judging him for having sex. That's not my point. What gave me pause is that how he is possibly having sexual relationships and dating for years on end yet says he hasn't found someone worth being in a relationship with. He never said he took a break from relationships. He said he hasn't found any of the women worth even entering a relationship with.

That I find odd considering it's been 5 years.

How long has it been since your last relationship? What was your longest time in between relationships?

 

[Bunnyhaslonghair]

I'm not writing him off because of it, I'm just wondering if our personalities in the way we view dating and relationships are too different and may become an issue. For example, he may not be as emotionally available as I'd like. Or not take dating as seriously as I do.

Hopefully I'm making myself clear.

 

[toaster]

Yeah. I don't see anything wrong with having casual sex as long you're not leading people on and are protecting yourself. I think it's hard for girls to understand because we don't tend to do it, but it's pretty normal for guys.

When they decide they want to settle down, they usually do. It's not a long and drawn out decision the way it is for women. If he's looking for and willing to be in a monogamous relationship I wouldn't really think twice about it.

 

[hopeful]

I'm not writing him off because of it, I'm just wondering if our personalities in the way we view dating and relationships are too different and may become an issue. For example, he may not be as emotionally available as I'd like. Or not take dating as seriously as I do.

Hopefully I'm making myself clear.

Just relax. Go on the date and see how it goes. You don't know if you even like him or if he will like you. You will have to try not to over think. You aren't going to get all of your answers in a day. Or maybe you already know he isn't the one and you want a more serious guy or one who only had serious relationships. If that's the case, save yourself and him and wait for someone else. Otherwise, relax, go on the date, and have fun.

 

[Bunnyhaslonghair]

I'm ok lol. I'm just explaining why I asked because people seem to have a lot of follow up questions. I'm not stressing over this at all. I hardly know the dude. Idk if I'll even take him up on the date. People seem to have misconceptions why I asked so I'm simply explaining myself. I know that makes it seem like I'm waiting with baited breath but I'm not. I was just wondering if it said something about his emotionally availability in case I need to look out. Thanx to everyone who answered the OP.

 

[Mai Tai]

I'm ok lol. I'm just explaining why I asked because people seem to have a lot of follow up questions. I'm not stressing over this at all. I hardly know the dude. Idk if I'll even take him up on the date. People seem to have misconceptions why I asked so I'm simply explaining myself. I know that makes it seem like I'm waiting with baited breath but I'm not. I was just wondering if it said something about his emotionally availability in case I need to look out. Thanx to everyone who answered the OP.

I completely understand what you are saying. The 2 bolded statements show me that you may be overthinking things a little bit though. You barely know him yet are already scrutinizing his words as opposed to taking the time to get to know him, looking at his actions and seeing how he treats you. It is not abnormal for a man or woman in their early 20s to date around and while your feelings on his possible promiscuity are valid, getting to know him truly will be the only way to determine if it was just a phase or a serious character flaw.

Just like @hopeful said, you should go on a date with him and have a good time. Laugh and talk and look cute, yet pay attention.

 

[Fine 4s]

There are pros and cons to both sides IMO. A guy who's been with less than 10 women over the age of 35 would make me wonder if he wants more 'experiences.' Or, it's my paranoid mind thinking so.
I don't care how many women he's slept with so long as he's disease-free and I'd expect the same reaction towards me.

 

[lux10023]

Bunny

I totally get what your referencing

Women tend to give men excuses... Oh that behavior is normal or he is young... Um no!

In 5 yrs not one got damn consistent relationship ? Bruh

Even if he says he dated one of those women for a year but if he felt " none were worthy" to me I would make a mental note and file that away

Also I like that your intuition is kicking in here and you want to align yourself with a man whose dating style resonates with yours
Trust your intuition and enjoy the dating process

I understand exactly what you meant

And don't let ppl tell you it's "ok" that a man in his early twenties is sleeping around
Not every man goes about life on that manner

Not everybody is a heaux ho or ho ho ho lmao
I don't know why ppl think that.... Lol

I'm not writing him off because of it, I'm just wondering if our personalities in the way we view dating and relationships are too different and may become an issue. For example, he may not be as emotionally available as I'd like. Or not take dating as seriously as I do.

Hopefully I'm making myself clear.

 

[Reinventing21]

I don't think it is unusual at that age to not have been in a committed relationship for the last five years if he is an ambitious person. What I bothers me MORE is his statement about not having found anyone "worthy" enough. That mindset is a red flag to me. He could have said he hasn't found anyone compatible or anyone that clicks, but to say "unworthy" tho? Ummm...no.

 

[Kindheart]

No. I don't think so either. I think it is a sign of maturity not to get into a relationship just for the sake of it. One can date without getting serious and all that it entails.

Maybe he knows what he's "looking for" just because he wants a relationship doesn't mean he'll jump right into one, however, he's used to dating around afterall and will hold off until he is sure he's found "the one".

But again, not a flag I don't think.

I agree ,but I also find this is the type of guy who always searches for something better ,tends to idealise a lot and may have commitment fears

 

[beingofserenity]

I'm almost exactly like him, except my number is prob lower. I haven't been in a super, rock solid committed relationship yet.

 

[DarkJoy]

I'm ok lol. I'm just explaining why I asked because people seem to have a lot of follow up questions. I'm not stressing over this at all. I hardly know the dude. Idk if I'll even take him up on the date. People seem to have misconceptions why I asked so I'm simply explaining myself. I know that makes it seem like I'm waiting with baited breath but I'm not. I was just wondering if it said something about his emotionally availability in case I need to look out. Thanx to everyone who answered the OP.

You know what OP, I see your red flag. At least a yellow one. I don't buy in to the "boys will be boys" rhetoric. TBH I prolly wouldn't date him. At least not for long.

The flag is not the casual sex. It's labeling so many women he did sleep with as not worth it. Like it's not him, its all those women. Emotionally unavailable? Unrealistic? Judgemental? Idk but it's a turnoff.

If he'd just said that he wasn't into a relationship at the time that's one thing but to blame the women and devalue them is another.

 

[MD_Lady]

IMO, there's nothing odd or alarming about someone between the ages of 21 through 26 being unattached.

 

[CurlyMoo]

...hasn't been in a relationship in 5 years? The guy in question is 26. He says he's looking for a relationship now. He seems like a cool laid back person. I know there's nothing wrong with it. I'm just wondering what was he doing for 5 years, lol.

Not a red flag, people are not forced nor obligated to be in a long term relationships until they are ready for them.
I haven't been in one longer than your friend and I haven't ho'ing.
But I might start........

 

[CurlyMoo]

So I asked him about it. I'm impatient. He basically said that he was dating during that time. Some he was having sex with and some he was not. He said he has not found anyone "worth" being in a relationship with.

I asked him why not. His response:

"Maybe because they already had someone just waiting for them to come around. Some I weren't sexual with we just didn't click at all"

. I'm not sure what to think about that because most women I know want a relationship ultimately with the person they are dating. Plus, I don't feel like he really answered the question. Like is he trying to say all the feelings were unrequited? They all had somebody else on the side? I just find it odd that he spent five years dating and having sex with people and didn't make a connection or nobody wanted a relationship. I'm still confused and on the fence. I mean I guess you're supposed to sew your oats in your twenties, but my heart just doesn't work like that so I don't understand it.

I understand it.
I'm confused, did you want him in a relationship or not?
Did you want him having sex or celibate?
Do you really like this guy?

 

[BlueSage]

Is it a red flag when you first meet a guy and all he does is talk about his self????? Granted its only been a couple of days but dude has not asked me ANYTHING about myself..doesn't know if/where I work, where I went to college...nothing! And I'm not the type to volunteer any information so if you don't ask...you may never know when dealing with me.

 

[hopeful]

Is it a red flag when you first meet a guy and all he does is talk about his self????? Granted its only been a couple of days but dude has not asked me ANYTHING about myself..doesn't know if/where I work, where I went to college...nothing! And I'm not the type to volunteer any information so if you don't ask...you may never know when dealing with me.

I think so. It's certainly a red flag if you are looking for a serious relationship with someone who is interested in you as a person. At the same time, you don't want to be interrogated and reveal too much about yourself too soon. Seems to me that it should be a slow give and take, back and forth, respectful exchange of information.

For now let him keep talking. I wouldn't try to force my information on him. If after a couple more days it's still all about him then I would fall back, especially if he hasn't asked you out on a decent date, and followed through.