I'm So Disappointed In My Close Friend

KammyGirl said:
Other than her telling you about it, did you two discuss it? She says there's no good black men and then purposefully chose an unavailable one. What is she expecting to get out of this? Is she just looking for companionship and thinking she'll just accept anything she can get? I've never been as judgmental about women that do this sort of thing. While I definitely don't condone it, I've found most of these women are choosing this as a punishment if you will for themselves. They are mistreating themselves intentionally. The thing is to find out why? Once they figure these things out a married man would be a hell of a lot less appealing.

On another note: Does anyone else find some of the relationship books depressing? I have sworn up and down that I would never read a single one. And right now I'm reading calling in the one. It's a good read but it does change my mood every now and then. And sometimes not for the better.
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I don't know that she had to read the book so much but just engage in conversation our other friends were having even as a married woman I wanted to know what they were talking about. I didn't find them depressing and I was thinking about sharing some this information with my children. Of course, everything isn't pertinent but some of this information was good and I think like with anything you pick and choose what would be beneficial to you.
 
Don't stress yourself trying to keep the secret. Let her know that if you are asked point blank, you'll tell the truth (if that's the case). Tell her that you won't help her with these shenanigans in any way either. She needs to keep you out of it and not give you any updates about the affair.

That being said, people fail and disappoint us all of the time. That's life. It doesn't sound like a pattern with her. Maybe help her address the underlying issues? If it becomes a pattern, then distance yourself from her.

ETA: I know myself and my facial expressions. Knowledge of the affair would be alllll over my face. I'd try to avoid him, especially in public.
 
That's hard, but I was in a similar situation with a friend of mine years ago. I 100% disagree with telling her secret. That has a lot of negative ramifications that come with it and I don't believe you should have to deal with that. Besides, if you don't know the wife then Idky that would be so hard to keep quiet?

In my situation, I told my friend the straight up truth, prayed with and for her, since she also has a Christian background. She didn't stop the affair then, but she stopped a few months later and got her life re-aligned with God. Unfortunately, it was already too late at that point and she had to deal with the consequences, but at least she made it right with God.

If your friend has ANY kind of spiritual life, I would approach it from that aspect. I wouldn't distance myself from her Bc ppl need good ppl. You'd be surprised how many women - married and all - never called my friend out for her shenanigans...they said don't do it but kept entertaining her stories.
 
KammyGirl said:
On another note: Does anyone else find some of the relationship books depressing? I have sworn up and down that I would never read a single one. And right now I'm reading calling in the one. It's a good read but it does change my mood every now and then. And sometimes not for the better.
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And messes with your subconcious if you're not careful. However, I did read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" and it was awesome! I still reread different parts now and again. It's more about communication between the sexes. I understand little things, for example, like why my dad kept telling my mother to quit her job for years and she kept looking at him like o_O.
 
silverbuttons said:
I understand why you're disappointed, but I don't understand why you would be burdened by this.

You don't have to keep it a secret, just respect her privacy and help her through this phase in her life.
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I agree. People disappoint you and themselves everyday. I wouldn't wear this like my own personal shame or burden. You can do that without approving of or co-signing on the behavior.

OP Should continue to a be a friend. The woman will need one when it blows up.
 
This thread made me think about how I would react in a similar situation.

I wouldn't drop a long-term friend over it. Friendships go through rough times and you get over them. I wouldn't take this situation personally at all. I'd be disappointed definitely but not enough to end the friendship.

I can think of way more things, more personal actions directly against me, that would end a friendship.

ETA: I can understand distancing yourself for a while, work through your emotions about it since you are disappointed in her.
 
So what's her story? Is she not interested in anyone else? Has anyone else been interested in her? How did she meet him? Does she work with him and spend most of her time around him and feels he's safe? Is she getting out to meet eligible good men? I don't know how she figures a cheating married man is good. I can imagine the sob stories he gives her about his marriage. She seems to be making an excuse about no good black men, to justify that she just wants this one.
 
syze6 said:
So what's her story? Is she not interested in anyone else? Has anyone else been interested in her? How did she meet him? Does she work with him and spend most of her time around him and feels he's safe? Is she getting out to meet eligible good men? I don't know how she figures a cheating married man is good. I can imagine the sob stories he gives her about his marriage. She seems to be making an excuse about no good black men, to justify that she just wants this one.
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There are quite a few men who are interested in her but she claims she doesn't like them but she doesn't know them. She said the two bm are nerdy. She's not interested in dating out but she also has some interested suitors. One of the bm is 41 a surgeon, divorced because his wife cheated~ she said he worked too much. He is one of the nicest men that you'll ever meet and he has two kids. Faithful, generous and loyal to a fault he wanted to work things out with his wife but it didn't work. I know of three men who wanted to date her but because they don't have enough swag she doesn't want them. Stupid, yes. The other men are successful too but I don't know them personally, so I can't speak about their character. She doesn't work with him but we went to a class reunion and found out he lives in the same area as us. I've heard these sob stories myself and I told him if he was that unhappy to do something about it because I didn't want to discuss how unhappy he is at home. Her comment about there are no good black men is nonsense.

There are no excuses~she wanted to do this.
 
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tibb1908 said:
There are quite a few men who are interested in her but she claims she doesn't like them but she doesn't know them. She said the two bm are nerdy. She's not interested in dating out but she also has some interested suitors. One of the bm is 41 a surgeon, divorced because his wife cheated~ she said he worked too much. He is one of the nicest men that you'll ever meet and he has two kids. Faithful, generous and loyal to a fault he wanted to work things out with his wife but it didn't work. I know of three men who wanted to date her but because they don't have enough swag she doesn't want them. Stupid, yes. The other men are successful too but I don't know them personally, so I can't speak about their character. She doesn't work with him but we went to a class reunion and found out he lives in the same area as us. I've heard these sob stories myself and I told him if he was that unhappy to do something about it because I didn't want to discuss how unhappy he is at home. Her comment about there are no good black men is nonsense.

There are no excuses~she wanted to do this.
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Wow at some of her excuses.
 
tibb1908 said:
There are quite a few men who are interested in her but she claims she doesn't like them but she doesn't know them. She said the two bm are nerdy. She's not interested in dating out but she also has some interested suitors. One of the bm is 41 a surgeon, divorced because his wife cheated~ she said he worked too much. He is one of the nicest men that you'll ever meet and he has two kids. Faithful, generous and loyal to a fault he wanted to work things out with his wife but it didn't work. I know of three men who wanted to date her but because they don't have enough swag she doesn't want them. Stupid, yes. The other men are successful too but I don't know them personally, so I can't speak about their character. She doesn't work with him but we went to a class reunion and found out he lives in the same area as us. I've heard these sob stories myself and I told him if he was that unhappy to do something about it because I didn't want to discuss how unhappy he is at home. Her comment about there are no good black men is nonsense.

There are no excuses~she wanted to do this.
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She only likes unavailable men because she's emotionally unavailable herself.
 
tibb1908 said:
There are quite a few men who are interested in her but she claims she doesn't like them but she doesn't know them. She said the two bm are nerdy. She's not interested in dating out but she also has some interested suitors. One of the bm is 41 a surgeon, divorced because his wife cheated~ she said he worked too much. He is one of the nicest men that you'll ever meet and he has two kids. Faithful, generous and loyal to a fault he wanted to work things out with his wife but it didn't work. I know of three men who wanted to date her but because they don't have enough swag she doesn't want them. Stupid, yes. The other men are successful too but I don't know them personally, so I can't speak about their character. She doesn't work with him but we went to a class reunion and found out he lives in the same area as us. I've heard these sob stories myself and I told him if he was that unhappy to do something about it because I didn't want to discuss how unhappy he is at home. Her comment about there are no good black men is nonsense.

There are no excuses~she wanted to do this.
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She don't want to be saved :lol:
 
caribeandiva said:
She only likes unavailable men because she's emotionally unavailable herself.
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I agree or she doesn't feel like she deserves love. At 37 those reasons she made up sound juvenile. She sounds like she wants a player. She doesn't understand that the flashy guys with swag......are aka the cheaters/liars/losers. Someone her age with a different mindset would have already been married by now based on all the options she had.

My coworker has been dating a guy for 2 years with no title that she knows has a girlfriend. I got her on a dating site and she got so many hits and matches.....her response "I don't like any of them". Girl if I could high jack her profile and catfish some of these dudes she matched with I would. Good looking successful guys that look like they about something. Some women just like misery and pain.
 
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tibb1908 said:
There are quite a few men who are interested in her but she claims she doesn't like them but she doesn't know them. She said the two bm are nerdy. She's not interested in dating out but she also has some interested suitors. One of the bm is 41 a surgeon, divorced because his wife cheated~ she said he worked too much. He is one of the nicest men that you'll ever meet and he has two kids. Faithful, generous and loyal to a fault he wanted to work things out with his wife but it didn't work. I know of three men who wanted to date her but because they don't have enough swag she doesn't want them. Stupid, yes. The other men are successful too but I don't know them personally, so I can't speak about their character. She doesn't work with him but we went to a class reunion and found out he lives in the same area as us. I've heard these sob stories myself and I told him if he was that unhappy to do something about it because I didn't want to discuss how unhappy he is at home. Her comment about there are no good black men is nonsense.

There are no excuses~she wanted to do this.
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Her excuses are ridiculous. What does she want? o_O Does she know? I agree with her not being emotionally available so she wants other emotionally unavailable men. She's not hurting for quality men she wants this. I always say this, birds of a feather flock together. If he's cheating on his wife with your friend, they're cut of the same cloth character wise.

I can understand you not wanting to abandon her but don't feel bad about distancing yourself because it sounds like this is taking an emotional toll on you.
 
Bunnyhaslonghair said:
I'm sorry you're going through this. I have no advice to offer but I'm wondering how my aunts stay getting remarried later in age. It seems so easy for them to get back boo'd up after divorce :look:. Maybe your friend needs to change/expand her circle. I'd rather date out than share a man.
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Bunnyhaslonghair said:
I'm not going to negate anyone else's experience. I just don't see it being this extremely hard IRL as it's talked about on LHCF for me and mine. I see black women of all ages dating and marrying and remarrying. Women I know who are single in older age usually are because their relationship didn't work, not because they can't find suitors. I will take this to mean we are lucky in my bubble.
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It is much easier to cycle through serious, long-term relationships or re-marry than it is for a perpetually single person to enter the market. People partner up and break up in cycles. Your aunts and other taken people around you just so happened to have been taken when the market was sparse and became single again at the opportune time. Plus, because they've been seriously partnered or married most of their lives, they are always around commitment-minded individuals by default. I've noticed this with my married and partnered acquaintances as well. They've always been in some sort of relationship. Past a certain age, a perpetually single woman or man has a slim chance of gaining entry into the market unless they buckle down and make it a priority. Most perpetually single men are single for a reason. Quality men don't stay single for long and they gravitate towards women who have always been in a relationship it seems.

But this is nothing new. Society has always acknowledged that there would be a lack of men suitable for marriage and family-- so in the past the outliers were sent to war, took up jobs that removed them from mainstream society (whaling/cattle-handling), or lived as outlaws or pirates. Now they are free to roam as freeloaders and effboys :look:. Numerous, but not suitable for courtship. So the ratio has always been unfavorable for women. Back in the day, unmarried women either entered convents, took up a trade, turned to prostitution, became entertainers, or settled for being a mistress or courtesan like OP's friend. Unmarried women have always been numerous in western civilization, it is only now that they have a voice.

OP, when this ends, I doubt your friend will be able to bounce back emotionally. She's playing a dangerous game. I hope she wakes up.
 
ScorpioBeauty09 said:
Her excuses are ridiculous. What does she want? o_O Does she know? I agree with her not being emotionally available so she wants other emotionally unavailable men. She's not hurting for quality men she wants this. I always say this, birds of a feather flock together. If he's cheating on his wife with your friend, they're cut of the same cloth character wise.

I can understand you not wanting to abandon her but don't feel bad about distancing yourself because it sounds like this is taking an emotional toll on you.
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Supposedly a husband.
 
SurferBabe said:
It is much easier to cycle through serious, long-term relationships or re-marry than it is for a perpetually single person to enter the market. People partner up and break up in cycles. Your aunts and other taken people around you just so happened to have been taken when the market was sparse and became single again at the opportune time. Plus, because they've been seriously partnered or married most of their lives, they are always around commitment-minded individuals by default. I've noticed this with my married and partnered acquaintances as well. They've always been in some sort of relationship. Past a certain age, a perpetually single woman or man has a slim chance of gaining entry into the market unless they buckle down and make it a priority. Most perpetually single men are single for a reason. Quality men don't stay single for long and they gravitate towards women who have always been in a relationship it seems.

But this is nothing new. Society has always acknowledged that there would be a lack of men suitable for marriage and family-- so in the past the outliers were sent to war, took up jobs that removed them from mainstream society (whaling/cattle-handling), or lived as outlaws or pirates. Now they are free to roam as freeloaders and effboys :look:. Numerous, but not suitable for courtship. So the ratio has always been unfavorable for women. Back in the day, unmarried women either entered convents, took up a trade, turned to prostitution, became entertainers, or settled for being a mistress or courtesan like OP's friend. Unmarried women have always been numerous in western civilization, it is only now that they have a voice.

OP, when this ends, I doubt your friend will be able to bounce back emotionally. She's playing a dangerous game. I hope she wakes up.
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This sounds super depressing and I truly believe anyone would experience dating hardships if they believed it would be that difficult. Not saying that you told lies or anything, Bc honestly IDK much about it, but I've always seen all kinds of women across all age groups be single and get married. So something else is up other than good timing.

But OP's friend sounds like she has had some pretty decent options, but idk. My friend had lost a lot of weight and also lost her mind in that for a couple of years...she went reckless to prove to herself she was great sexually. Which was crazy, but that's how she said she ended up in her mess.
 
My friend actually had a baby with her married man. I remember her telling me about her laughing about how he would be sitting in her apartment ignoring his wife calling him on his cell phone. He blew smoke all in her ear,, telling her she would be a good wife and yadda..yadda. The affair was easy since he worked in the building she lived in...so all out access to her.

She ended up pregnant and all hell broke loose. He distanced himself real quick and she was left vengeful and angry. Him and the wife are no longer together and he STILL is not with my friend. In situations like that I just ask them not to talk about it to me. I hate when women paint rainbows of a married cheating man. They fail to realize that EVERY moment will be a great moment when they get together. He gets to be a totally different person around you. What ever could you find to disagree about. When you actually have them on your own, you get to see EXACTLY what the wife had all along. I couldn't be with a man who I know used to sneak away to be with me away from his wife... I couldn't trust him!
 
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MissNina said:
This sounds super depressing and I truly believe anyone would experience dating hardships if they believed it would be that difficult. Not saying that you told lies or anything, Bc honestly IDK much about it, but I've always seen all kinds of women across all age groups be single and get married. So something else is up other than good timing.

But OP's friend sounds like she has had some pretty decent options, but idk. My friend had lost a lot of weight and also lost her mind in that for a couple of years...she went reckless to prove to herself she was great sexually. Which was crazy, but that's how she said she ended up in her mess.
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She just wants this man however she gets him...all the rest are excuses and justification. Good luck!
 
I think it's a good idea to keep your distance from her. I'm sorry you're being exposed to her activity. She kept it a secret all this time. She might as well have kept it to herself. This is really sad. I'm sure his wife knows something is wrong but since he is around on the weekends he is essentially keeping her in confusion. Men who do this are actually abusing their wives. He is betraying her, lying to her, gaslighting her, etc. He's a POS. Hopefully your friend will wake up. But it sounds like she is very immature and like someone said, emotionally unavailable herself. I also hope the wife figures things out, leaves him, and makes his life a living hell:).
 
I had a close friend of mine decide she was in love with a married man 6 years ago. I was shocked because her own marriage ended after she walked in on her then husband and best friend in bed.
When I realized she was convinced it was true love and had no intention of ending things, I told her I wouldn't be in her life anymore but I would be 'here' whenever she came to her senses. Of course their relationship didn't last and about a year later she contacted me telling me I had been right. It's one of the few times I didn't want to be right. I just wanted her to be safe and properly loved by a deserving man.
 
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