I'm FINALLY Calling it Quits!!!!

When would you tell him?

  • See Yaaaa!!!!

    Votes: 8 10.8%

  • Give him 30 days notice

    Votes: 41 55.4%

  • Tell him now and get it over with!

    Votes: 25 33.8%
  • Total voters
    74
  • Poll closed .
MrsHdrLe

MrsHdrLe

Well-Known Member
I've been with my soon to be ex SO for eight years. We get along well, no bickering or fighting or drama. He's a decent guy, but he went through a bad marriage and I don't think he wants to do it agin, even though he tells me different. Yet, he's not making any moves. I think I'm done waiting. We've been living together for two years now and I know if I want to marry I've got to let this thing go.

My question is when and how do I tell him? I've already started looking for an apt. of my own. I need two to three months to save up first and last and finish off my expensive classes ( the goal is to get to the top of the pay scale and I'll be there around June).

We split the cost of the house (it's his) and before I moved in, he kept roomies b/c I don't think he can handle it on his own. He even talks about buying a second house together, but no marriage talk (WTDaylights????) So I don't want to leave him in a financial lurch, but I'm worried that if I tell him now of my plans, things will be ugly between us.

Sorry this is so long, but the gist is, should I prepare him now, or should I just let him come home one day and find me packing? I think that would be kind of mean and selfish, but I just can't do drama.

What would you do?
 
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I'd definitely give him notice, especially since he depends on your income and the relationship isn't toxic.

Good luck to you!
 
He is your landlord so technically all he needs is 30 days notice. Put it in writing. Look for an apt (don't tell him) and move. Give him notice after you secure anything of value elsewhere (storage, friend's place, etc).
 
Wait until you get your money saved up for the 2-3 months and found suitable alternatives, before you give him 30 day notice. I think however the bigger issue is that you both need to sit down and talk seriously about the direction of your rlp.
 
Sweet C. Make sure you can function on your own with backup in case things do go according to plan...talk to him about how you feel. That you feel he's giving you lip service and you want to get married...
Good luck, O.P!
~*Janelle~*
 
Thanks all. Sweet C, I think he sees this coming, and uses it as an excuse, "We're not married b/c you seem like you're already gone....blah blah blah" I'm not trying to hear anymore of this. I don't care to be married to someone who didn't/doesn't want to "do right by me" anyway.:hand: I just don't want him to turn around and say, "Fine get out tonight!!" That, I'm not quite ready for.
I appreaciate your comments. Keep 'em coming we're at 50/50:look:
 
The moment I read 8 years...I was thinking, "she better move on..." good for you!

Do you have anyone you can stay with? I say tell him now so he can start making arrangements. I don't know about you, but it'd be tough for me to try and pretend until June.

You know him well, it has been 8 years. If you think he will make you miserable and you don't have anywhere you can go in the interim, you may just have to suck it up till June and not say anything.
 
I would give him 30 days notice, or more if necessary. It's not as if you don't get along with him, so there is no reason not to be civil.
 
Tough one, I dont know how I would handles this. It deoends on what your able to do right now. If he did get funky and say get out now, what would you do? If you wait til last minute then that leaves him in a funk...I say stack your money, and discuss your concerns, so when you do finally tell him he wont be surprised our caught off guard. Good Luck!
 
Stop waiting so long. You've already waited 8 years. Tell him it's over and go live by a friend or parent.
 
I say that you get ready to leave and then give him a 30 day notice. That way if he puts you out, you have funds to move. And if he needs you to stay a little longer until he finds a roommate and you feel comfortable with that, you can.

I know you guys aren't working out romantically, but I'm assuming you still consider him a friend.
 
I wouldn't give him any notice. I would leave. That makes the bigger impact, IMO. I'm not trying to be mean but you giving him notice may give the impression that you're trying to scare him into a larger commitment. I know you're worried about his finances, I think you need to worry more about your peace of mind. After 8 years you've paid your dues.
 
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I made the mistake of telling a live-in that it wasn't working out and that I would be moving out in 6 months when my sublet came free. It was rough going. Then a month before I moved into the sublet, I came home to find the locks changed and my belongings in plastic garbage bags in the vestibule. Give him 30 days tops.

Good for you for making this decision. After 8 years it has to be really tough.
 
I would act like everything was fine and then when he's at work I'd be ghost. When he comes back home he'll lose his mind. I don't want to be financially involved with someone who doesn't want to make a commitment to me. I've watched too many judge shows to know it makes things stickier. He's not dumb. He know what he's doing.
 
Sit him down and give him 30 days notice. (unless you think he would flip out and mistreat you during that last 30 days...in which case, you move asap on the sly and leave a letter).

Explain to him that, while you love him, it is clear to you that the two of you do not share the same vision for your future. That your future includes building a family and a life together in love and marriage. That you have a vision for how things will look in your life -- you are going to build with a husband and move into the future working a plan together. And, that you only hope for the best for him. And, that you want happiness for him as you want it for yourself.

Then...stick to your plan like your life depended on it. Don't go back on your word. Don't let him talk you out of it. Do not worry about your decision. There will be nothing from him that will change your scenario except a ring and a date...STAT. If he brings anything less than that to the table when trying to convince you to stay...just consider what it would feel like for you to waste another EIGHT years waiting around and feeding him free milk...that should help keep you focused.

I am proud of you. You are strong and doing the right thing. I'm sure that this will all turn out fine one day soon. :bighug:
 
I believe that you need to communicate with him. Sometimes people believe that everything is okay even when its not. I would talk to him and if the conversation doesn't move in the direction that you want then I would let him know that you are leaving. Definitely give him notice. I am a firm believer in doing things right. Best of luck to you and I know that you will be alright....
 
Angelicus said:
Stop waiting so long. You've already waited 8 years. Tell him it's over and go live by a friend or parent.
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LivingDoll said:
I wouldn't give him any notice. I would leave. That makes the bigger impact, IMO. I'm not trying to be mean but you giving him notice may give the impression that you're trying to scare him into a larger commitment. I know you're worried about his finances, I think you need to worry more about your peace of mind. After 8 years you've paid your dues.
Click to expand...

I agree with LivingDoll and Angelicus:yep:, excellent advice. I intially voted for 30 days notice but after reading their replies I think they are right. If you live with a friend/relative/parent, perhaps you can still give him one last month's rent.
 
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Eventhough you've all giving different advice, I thank you for sharing your opinions. I already asked a family friend if I could stay w/ them and they said of course. I am still looking, but again the money sitatuion is not right now. I am going to give him 30 days notice next month and if I need to, I'll go stay with friends until my money's right. Thanks for your well wishes. I hope things work out fine. I hope he recognizes that we have been good friends for a long time and is able to remain civil and respectful. God Bless All
 
YEA!!! I found my place. Still haven't told him. I'm giving him my 2 week notice Friday (I've been packing on the DL) My plan is to do it over a weekend so I can move if neccessary. I am sooo outta here! I dream about coming home to my own little place and being ALONE!!!. I picked a great apt. in the heart of downtown (L.A.,CA.) It has great views, it's closer to work, church, family, and shopping (I might need a lil "therapy" Nothing crazy, I've got to furnish my new pad, but I'm really excited!!!)
 
angiet1985 said:
YEA!!! I found my place. Still haven't told him. I'm giving him my 2 week notice Friday (I've been packing on the DL) My plan is to do it over a weekend so I can move if neccessary. I am sooo outta here! I dream about coming home to my own little place and being ALONE!!!. I picked a great apt. in the heart of downtown (L.A.,CA.) It has great views, it's closer to work, church, family, and shopping (I might need a lil "therapy" Nothing crazy, I've got to furnish my new pad, but I'm really excited!!!)
Click to expand...

Thats awesome! Thanks for keeping us updated. I'm glad you're getting out. Please let us know how he reacts once you tell him you're leaving. :yep: I'm curious.
 
If you feel really bad about the money situation, and IF you can afford it.. maybe you can give him part of the rent or food money and leave immediately. So you're both giving "notice" and leaving at the same time!
 
honeycomb719 said:
Tough one, I dont know how I would handles this. It deoends on what your able to do right now. If he did get funky and say get out now, what would you do? If you wait til last minute then that leaves him in a funk...I say stack your money, and discuss your concerns, so when you do finally tell him he wont be surprised our caught off guard. Good Luck!
Click to expand...
I agree. I wouldn't say a word now and save up and by the time I was comfortable with my savings, THEN I would give a 30 day notice.
 
OP-

I just wanted to say GOOD FOR YOU!!! I had went through something similar back in 2007. I broke off a 10 yr relationship with someone who I loved dearly. We also lived together. It was a horrible breakup, but at the end I realized things happen for a reason, because now I am engaged to be married to my new SO.

At any rate, 8 years is a LOOONG time for him to still be hurt over a past marriage and/or holding onto fears of any kind.
 
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