I'm so sad and need advice

[hopeful]

So many red flags

My mom met a man very quickly after my father died, I was about 11. We moved down south with this man and that was such a terrible relationship. And we were kind of stuck I wish my mom had just chilled for a little while or did more trips. I think she wanted to be taken care of soon as my dad was a great provider but it just didn't work out.

Think of yourself and your kids and just take your time.

to the red part. If a women loses a good man who is a great provider it is very difficult to duplicate that situation. I have found that you MIGHT find a good man that you can trust to be around your kids, and who loves you and your kids, BUT it is very difficult to find one who can also provide as well or who is willing and able to provide as well. IDK it's something about the one with whom you loved first, with whom you had children with, with whom you knew from way back when...I really think that things usually work out the way things did for JewelleNY's mom, it's unfortunate but I do believe that is true.

It's important for divorced mothers to believe that they can create a beautiful life for themselves and their children whether she remarries or not.

 

[IMFOCSD]

I guess I will be the lone dissenter. You just met him in April, that is only 4 months. While you may like him, I don't think 4 months is long enough to get to know a person. Of course he seems like a prince since your children's father wasn't taking care of business.

Personally I would give it a year and if he still feels the same, then make that move. Change is good but I think you are moving too fast. I would say the same thing even if children weren't involved.

Good luck on whatever decision you make. I wish you the best.

ETA: I have gone back and read the other post that you have started and lets just say I am really SMH. I really REALLY wish you the best.

Thanks for the response and the advice. Yeah it seems hard to believe that you can care for a person so much after just 4 months but it is possible. We spent everyday together literally within the these 4+ months. We were actually talking longer than that but did not make things official until April. I met him in 2003 but I was with someone else and so was he. If I decide to move to Texas it won't be until the beginning of next year. I said November at first but I may just wait until income tax time. Idk yet. we talk about the situation thoroughly everyday and we agreed to wait until he gets his own place. I talked to him earlier today and He has been looking for jobs and has a second interview tomorrow. I praying for him.

Thanks again

 

[IMFOCSD]

A few questions:

1) Does this guy have a car? You said you let him use yours to run a few errands.
2) Does he have a phone? You said he called you on someone elses phone while he was travelling to Texas.

While things may be hard in Ohio, a man who has 2 kids but no phone or car would worry me. I definitely wouldn't consider moving until he was able to acquire basic necessities - a car and phone being on that list.

Hi poetist thanks for responding, no he does not have a car but he had his own place and was paying bills ie rent, lights, gas etc. I can't judge that because I have a car but not my own place. He has a phone but it won't work all the way in texas. He was with a phone company which is only located in or around Ohio.

 

[IMFOCSD]

I usually try not to give advice because I am not the best at it nor am I perfect- but if he loves you and you love him why not do it right. Plan to be with him but before you live with him marry him. You have little eyes watching you so seal the deal before uprooting your life and your kids life.
Just my thoughts....

Thank you for your input I greatly appreciate it. When he was here in Cleveland we stayed together at his house all the time, me and my kids and we spent the night often so its really nothing new. I understand exactly how you feel because it is a sin and I am very much aware of that. We all sin in different ways, not using that as an excuse but we do plan on getting married and we are both very spiritual. I'm going to take everyones advice into consideration and make a smart decision.

 

[IMFOCSD]

Hmmm, something doesn't seem quite right about this. If you are planning to move there, shouldn't he want you to come down and scout it out ASAP?

Aside from that, I really don't think 4 months is anywhere near long enough to be considering moving to another state with a man, especially when you have 3 children. Have you run a background check on him? Seen a recent credit report? Is he paying child support for his children? Don't let love blind you to your responsibility of keeping your children safe and secure. This just sounds like a set-up to a lifetime movie.

Hi, we have been knowing each other for a while. Idk why I said I met him in April...lol. He does pay child support for his daughters, he was honest about his background and told me he made mistakes in the past and payed his dues. Unlike many men he learned from his mistakes and changed his ways. I have been on many job interviews with him and he was constantly passing out his resume (which is very impressive might I add). there is really nothing going on here in Cleveland so he did some research and made a move to a place with a good job market. He is very responsible and in many ways unlike any man I have ever met.

 

[IMFOCSD]

I had totally forgotten about that. I remember people were telling her to chill and focus on herself an the kids.

OP, this is not a good idea AT ALL. Pump the brakes. Aside from all the red flags (he has no car, no phone, kids with two different women, doesn't want you to come visit, no job, etc. etc.), you need to take some time to get on your own two feet.

Don't do this! You're sn is IMFOCSD, you need to be fully FOCUSED on your 3 children and getting yourself together. From your previous threads about your ex and the car situation, it appears that you don't have the best decision making skills. You need to get yourself and your life together before even thinking about a man. You also need to get in some counseling ASAP. If you had time to hang out with this man every day for 4 months, then you definitely have time to seek out a support group.

Hello, I could be wrong but I feel that you are being very judgmental...you don't really know me to be suggesting that I need counseling. I am a very focused person I made mistakes in the past and been through things but you live and you learn. I'm used to people judging me...thats life but I honestly don't care about peoples negative fews. Thanks for the response.

 

[msa]

Hello, I could be wrong but I feel that you are being very judgmental...you don't really know me to be suggesting that I need counseling. I am a very focused person I made mistakes in the past and been through things but you live and you learn. I'm used to people judging me...thats life but I honestly don't care about peoples negative fews. Thanks for the response.

Well at first I was going to say I'm not being judgmental...but that would be a bold faced lie.

Either way, good luck. You're definitely going to need it.

 

[IMFOCSD]

Well at first I was going to say I'm not being judgmental...but that would be a bold faced lie.

Either way, good luck. You're definitely going to need it.

um sure...I'm not a fan of luck but I am a fan of prayer. God Bless!

 

[Christelyn]

I guess I will be the lone dissenter. You just met him in April, that is only 4 months. While you may like him, I don't think 4 months is long enough to get to know a person. Of course he seems like a prince since your children's father wasn't taking care of business.

Personally I would give it a year and if he still feels the same, then make that move. Change is good but I think you are moving too fast. I would say the same thing even if children weren't involved.

Good luck on whatever decision you make. I wish you the best.

ETA: I have gone back and read the other post that you have started and lets just say I am really SMH. I really REALLY wish you the best.

You aren't the only dissenter. I agree with you. You have three kids, and while you're happy in this relationship, you have to think about them. Uprooting children is VERY stressful, and to do it for someone you've only known for four months without a lifetime commitment is a gamble your kids can't afford to take. I know it's hard when your heart is involved, but please don't take your kids' feelings for granted. I myself have had to make a lot of sacrifices for my oldest child (staying in a state when I'd like to move) so that she can be near her father because it is what's best for her. My new husband just had to deal.

 

[msa]

um sure...I'm not a fan of luck but I am a fan of prayer. God Bless!

Definitely need that...for the sake of your kids, I hope this works out the way you want it to.

 

[song_of_serenity]

Something doesn't quite seem right about this.

And yes, we have to take your other thread into play because just about 4 months ago, you were questioning if to return to your ex. This man is a rebound. You've got rose colored glasses on and he's perfection in your eyes.

He could quite possibly be GREAT. However, the story he gave about you not visiting since you'll be a distraction kinda makes me go . I understand it'll be "hard" to leave someone you love and then go see them just to leave again, but geeze. It's better than NOTHING especially if you guys have been around each other just about 24/7 as you stated.

It has been FOUR. MONTHS.
FOUR MONTHS AGO you were torn up about your idiot ex.

And adding to it, you have CHILDREN. Your family is where you are. Say you uproot your children and move...things don't work out. Then what? would it be worth it? I say, as another poster did, give it a year. See where he takes things. Long distance CAN WORK if both parties are willing! Do the visits!! Then again he doesn't want you to?

Sometimes separation can allow you to see things clearer. I hope things go well, OP...For the sake of your children.

 

[Serenity_Peace]

GO. AND. BE. WITH. YOUR. MAN!!!!!!!

 

[Serenity_Peace]

^^^^ ETA. Didn't see Song_of_Serenity's post before I posted my response. Perhaps you should do a bit more thinking about your situation before making such a drastic change for you and your children. I'll say a prayer. :blowkiss:

 

[IMFOCSD]

I want to for the last time clarify some things. I have been knowing him since 2003, we talked for a while before we made the relationship official which happened in April. Trust and believe my kids are good, I have been a mother for almost 8 years and they are still alive, healthy, happy and have the things that they need so, I am doing something right. My kids are going to stay taken care of regardless of where I am and who I am with.

Thanks to all the ladies who gave positive advise and support. If you disagree with what I am doing it is a way to do it without being rude and judgmental. People need to quit acting like they are perfect. I have been on this earth for 28 years, I have been a member of this board for 4+ years, I make 2 threads pertaining to things I went through and all of a sudden people feel I need counseling or I have low self esteem or I need a role model...man o man. It is what it is. I'm going to keep praying, I'm going to keep pushin, keep doin me, and keep living.

Thanks again ladies.

 

[IMFOCSD]

GO. AND. BE. WITH. YOUR. MAN!!!!!!!

Thank you for the POSITIVE RESPONSE, I really appreciate it.

 

[SVT]

OP, I hope things work out exactly as you envision.

Everybody: When requesting advice on personal issues you WILL get any and ALL suggestions. That's just how we do on LHCF.

Thanks.