I was just looking for toilet paper...

[Intuitive630]

Honestly ladies I was. Yesterday he left me alone in his house (something he often does) and I was looking for some tp, I took a glimpse in the closet and before I know it I'm looking down at a shoebox filled with pictures, letters, and momentous from and with his ex.

Me and my BF dated for 4 months before deciding to be exclusive a month ago. So far he has told me he loves me and introduced me to his parents.

In conversation he told me he and his ex broke up in 2009 because weren't making plans for the future... Just having fun. However one the cards from her read, "thanks for going to counseling with me, I see myself spending the rest of my life with you." the was also a 4 page front and back bulleted list of memories they shared.

Sry for so much text but there's so much on my mind right, I really don't know what to do. What would you do in a situation like this. Is it normal for him to hold on to these things?!

ETA: I really appreciate all of the feedback from this thread. I've had a lot to think about and I feel really bad for nosing around. That was wrong. Don't do it! I hate to say it but SOMETIMES ignorance is bliss, and guilt free is conscience peace.

My eyes are wide open though...

 

[kandake]

what was the date on the letter about counseling?

 

[Intuitive630]

what was the date on the letter about counseling?

My mind was in a frenzy, I think it said 2009 but there was also a birthday card from her from this year.

 

[Leesh]

Honestly, It sounds like he wasn't being too truthful with you. It kinda sounds like he's holding onto something Dear to him that he lost. Going to counseling doesn't equate to "Just Having Fun". It was more serious than that, at least for her it was. How long were they together? I'd say, Keep your eyes open, I mean it's not much to say, cause he's gonna tell you what he thinks you want to hear.

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

he leaves to'lit paper in a shoebox? yeah, ok...

why u trippin? u gettin all worked up for nuffin cuz u went and opened pandora's box.

did u ever find da to'lit paper? erplexed

u know what they say -- idle time is da devil's time shuga.

 

[southerncitygirl]

he lied to you, i wonder what else he's lied about or will he try to pursue her again while he's with you. be on guard! i believe that the universe meant for you find that box.

 

[kittenz]

I don't think you should have opened the box ( I would have but it's still wrong). Your relationship is still pretty new. I wouldn't say anything and wait until he feels comfortable opening up to you more about his past. If he never does, you now the truth and can make your own decisions. It's not like the letters were recent. Seems like he's loved before- which just shows you he knows how.

Give him a chance and stop snooping. Wishing for the best for you.

 

[Intuitive630]

Hey some ppl keep tp in the closet. I had no intentions of snooping but really a shoebox with no lid and a picture of you and your ex sitting at the top in the middle of the floor with the closet wide open... Temptation got the best of me.

That's besides the point I definitely feel lied too. Im just not sure of what to do. Leave him alone now or get my heart broken later.

 

[Windsy]

Well....

1) you snooped so you find what you find
2) she said thanks for going to counseling with me; there wasn't anything saying what the counseling was about or if it was couples counseling.
3) It's perfectly ok to hold on to memories from a past relationship until you feel it's time to throw them away; for some people it's part of the healing process.
4) I don't know what you can say because you snooped; if you bring this up you also has to be open to him being angry with you for snooping.


The relationship is still new; keep this in mind.

 

[kandake]

IDK. I don't really see any red flags. Maybe they went to counseling because they weren't on the same page. Honestly, I don't think guys tell the full truth about their ex's anyway. They try to down play it or they leave out information as to why they split. I don't condone it but it's pretty common. It's up to you to decide if you're ok with the lack of info. he provided about the nature of their relationship. Why don't you talk to him about it. I wouldn't tell him that you snooped. Just have a general relationship conversation and try to get him to share more info. about his ex.

ETA: Men spend years with women "just playing around" while the unsuspecting woman thinks it's headed for marriage. They may genuinely like/love these women but see no future with them. We talk about it ALL THE TIME on this forum. Basically, my point is that he may not have been lying.

 

[Intuitive630]

I don't think you should have opened the box ( I would have but it's still wrong). Your relationship is still pretty new. I wouldn't say anything and wait until he feels comfortable opening up to you more about his past. If he never does, you now the truth and can make your own decisions. It's not like the letters were recent. Seems like he's loved before- which just shows you he knows how.

Give him a chance and stop snooping. Wishing for the best for you.

Thank you so much for your wise words. I will take them to heart and see how things play out. From what he's shown me he definitely knows how to love, up until yesterday I really couldn't have asked for more. I'd been thanking God every night, but likeThatJerseyGirl said I gave into the Devil's suga.

 

[caltron]

I would bring it up with your SO just because it obviously bothers you, but I think the stuff you found in that box is harmless. He was in a serious relationship in the past, and it seems like he has moved on. If he were still talking to his ex on a regular basis, or spent a lot of time going through the box, I might be concerned. He sounds like he got all that stuff, put it in a box, and put it away.

Just because he's keeping it doesn't mean he's pining for her or that those were happy memories. I still have pictures and things of my ex scattered around and for me it's not me wishing I were still with him, but just a reminder of all of the things I've been through and how far I've come. I only look at them when I'm digging around for other stuff and just can't bring myself to throw it away because that part of my life made me who I am today. Dh would come across stuff from time to time and at first it bothered him just like it did you and I told him he could just throw it away. I don't think it bothers him anymore the longer we have been together.

 

[Intuitive630]

he leaves to'lit paper in a shoebox? yeah, ok...

why u trippin? u gettin all worked up for nuffin cuz u went and opened pandora's box.

did u ever find da to'lit paper? erplexed

u know what they say -- idle time is da devil's time shuga.

Girl No I ain't find it! LOL I hauled butt home and held it for the 20 minute ride!

 

[Intuitive630]

Double Post

 

[Intuitive630]

Well....

1) you snooped so you find what you find
2) she said thanks for going to counseling with me; there wasn't anything saying what the counseling was about or if it was couples counseling.
3) It's perfectly ok to hold on to memories from a past relationship until you feel it's time to throw them away; for some people it's part of the healing process.
4) I don't know what you can say because you snooped; if you bring this up you also has to be open to him being angry with you for snooping.


The relationship is still new; keep this in mind.

I don't think you should have opened the box ( I would have but it's still wrong). Your relationship is still pretty new. I wouldn't say anything and wait until he feels comfortable opening up to you more about his past. If he never does, you now the truth and can make your own decisions. It's not like the letters were recent. Seems like he's loved before- which just shows you he knows how.

Give him a chance and stop snooping. Wishing for the best for you.

IDK. I don't really see any red flags. Maybe they went to counseling because they weren't on the same page. Honestly, I don't think guys tell the full truth about their ex's anyway. They try to down play it or they leave out information as to why they split. I don't condone it but it's pretty common. It's up to you to decide if you're ok with the lack of info. he provided about the nature of their relationship. Why don't you talk to him about it. I wouldn't tell him that you snooped. Just have a general relationship conversation and try to get him to share more info. about his ex.

ETA: Men spend years with women "just playing around" while the unsuspecting woman thinks it's headed for marriage. They may genuinely like/love these women but see no future with them. We talk about it ALL THE TIME on this forum. Basically, my point is that he may not have been lying.

I would bring it up with your SO just because it obviously bothers you, but I think the stuff you found in that box is harmless. He was in a serious relationship in the past, and it seems like he has moved on. If he were still talking to his ex on a regular basis, or spent a lot of time going through the box, I might be concerned. He sounds like he got all that stuff, put it in a box, and put it away.

Just because he's keeping it doesn't mean he's pining for her or that those were happy memories. I still have pictures and things of my ex scattered around and for me it's not me wishing I were still with him, but just a reminder of all of the things I've been through and how far I've come. I only look at them when I'm digging around for other stuff and just can't bring myself to throw it away because that part of my life made me who I am today. Dh would come across stuff from time to time and at first it bothered him just like it did you and I told him he could just throw it away. I don't think it bothers him anymore the longer we have been together.

Thank you ladies, I REALLY appreciate your responses and words of wisdom. I really needed to hear it right now. I will take all it into consideration as we move forward.

And to be totally honest.... I do the same thing, I'm very nostalgic and keep memories from my past too from all (with the exception of two) of my exes all the way back from high school. I feel no emotional attachment to any of them and I agree with caltron those experiences have really shaped me into who I am today I really learned a lot from them. So maybe he and I have that in common as well.

*taking a deep breathe and moving forward*

Thank you again

 

[Melody.Monroe]

Women are different: I am different. I ONLY hold on to things if I still care to look at them. If I am over someone or trying to heal from them I throw away ALL that reminds me of the person. My memories will serve me well and once those memories fade then I'm even better. I am sentimental. And for me getting rid of things helps me get over it. Burn it, tear it, rip it, whatever - but mess won't be sitting around reminding me of a relationship that didnt work out - regardless if it ended on good or bad terms. There is no need for me to look back. I understand people are different.

As far was what I would do in this exact situation - I'd put it in my back pocket (figuratively speaking) and wait until it is okay (which I dont know when that would be since you should have ignored the open box) to discuss it...

 

[hopeful]

I don't think you have anything to worry about. This is not a red flag to me. Enjoy your new relationship and being exclusive. Don't go looking for problems girl. If there is an issue with the ex I believe something much more tangible will surface. He sounds like he is ready to move on and have a nice relationship with you.

 

[Intuitive630]

I don't think you have anything to worry about. This is not a red flag to me. Enjoy your new relationship and being exclusive. Don't go looking for problems girl. If there is an issue with the ex I believe something much more tangible will surface. He sounds like he is ready to move on and have a nice relationship with you.

Thank you. I'm ready to move forward too, this is my first relationship since 2007 and if things work out it could potentially be the best. A good man is hard to find, and other than that I really have NOTHING negative to say about him. He is wonderful. I really want to see where things are gonna go.

 

[dm81]

he leaves to'lit paper in a shoebox? yeah, ok...

why u trippin? u gettin all worked up for nuffin cuz u went and opened pandora's box.

did u ever find da to'lit paper? erplexed

u know what they say -- idle time is da devil's time shuga.

Anyway, this reminds of the episode of My Wife and Kids when Jay found the pic of Michael's ex Sharon...

It's nothing, let it go.

 

[Grand Prix]

I'm surprised most of you think it's so terrible to snoop around in a new SO's appartment.. I remember this one thread where a poster said that she found a large collection of gay porn on her new boyfriend's laptop.
Would people then still say, you weren't supposed to find out about that, so put it in the back of your mind for now?

I'd hate to admit that I snooped around, but it's not like you were looking in some well hidden place. If you don't tell him about it now, it might feel like to you that you are both carrying a "lie".
I have a box with stuff of my first bf, even some crushes. If SO ever found that box, I would simply tell him who they were and that I just like to keep those things because it was part of my life/growing up. He might be able to give you a similar answer and make you feel much better.

 

[kandake]

I'm surprised most of you think it's so terrible to snoop around in a new SO's appartment.. I remember this one thread where a poster said that she found a large collection of gay porn on her new boyfriend's laptop.
Would people then still say, you weren't supposed to find out about that, so put it in the back of your mind for now?

I'd hate to admit that I snooped around, but it's not like you were looking in some well hidden place. If you don't tell him about it now, it might feel like to you that you are both carrying a "lie".
I have a box with stuff of my first bf, even some crushes. If SO ever found that box, I would simply tell him who they were and that I just like to keep those things because it was part of my life/growing up. He might be able to give you a similar answer and make you feel much better.

I think that was mentioned in a thread I started re: snooping.

 

[lesedi]

I will snoop. New SO's need to not leave me alone in their flats.

 

[Windsy]

I'm surprised most of you think it's so terrible to snoop around in a new SO's appartment.. I remember this one thread where a poster said that she found a large collection of gay porn on her new boyfriend's laptop.
Would people then still say, you weren't supposed to find out about that, so put it in the back of your mind for now?

I'd hate to admit that I snooped around, but it's not like you were looking in some well hidden place. If you don't tell him about it now, it might feel like to you that you are both carrying a "lie".
I have a box with stuff of my first bf, even some crushes. If SO ever found that box, I would simply tell him who they were and that I just like to keep those things because it was part of my life/growing up. He might be able to give you a similar answer and make you feel much better.

As long as you are prepared to deal with what you find, don't find and your new SO's reponse then get your snoop on.

The problem with snooping is that people get all bent out of shap when they go looking and find something they didn't want to find. Snoopers need to be willing to accept the outcome their snooping will produce.

 

[CurlyMoo]

OP I would not mention it to him. It sounds like a set up anyway. He knew it was there and that you were in that apartment. The fact that he didn't have it padlocked speaks the the fact that he really didn't care and might be throwing it away soon. In fact it may be gone the next time you visit. If he's not throwing it away then that's his business, his past.

He is with you now and that is what matters. Unless you found something that he recently wrote to her saying he wants to be with her don't worry yourself over the feelings of an ex. He introduced you to his family, and spoke of being exclusive. He wants you. I say, take it one day at a time because like others have posted it's still a fairly new relationship. Good luck to you.

 

[Xavier]

Now I am seeing why people joke on here about LHCF keeping people single. Where is the lie that the guy told??? Many people hate to revisit their past. Maybe the girl did hurt him? Maybe it was more serious than what he told you OP but that doesn't mean that he still wants to be with her. I say do not mention going through his box. He trusted you enough to leave you alone in his home and you don't want to betray his trust by snooping again. Let it go and if he is lying and this ex means more to him than what he is letting on, you will know.

 

[CurlyMoo]

Honestly, It sounds like he wasn't being too truthful with you. HOW? OP didn't say she found something that suggested his feelings were anything other than he has stated to her. The feelings, actions of an ex has no bearing on what the guy was feeling then and now.


It kinda sounds like he's holding onto something Dear to him that he lost. We really don't know this either. He has a box of stuff from his ex, on the floor of a closet, unlocked and easy to get to. Not hidden in his bedstand drawer wrapped in silk linen. I see no emotion tied to this.


Going to counseling doesn't equate to "Just Having Fun". No it sounds like the woman had some issues and he was helping with it. All we know is that he went to counseling with her. Again where is the emotion and committment in this other than the fact he was being helpful. She sent a letter thanking him. Sounds like she may have had to twist his arm to go. But again speculation.


It was more serious than that, at least for her it was. Unless we learn otherwise, how she felt and what it meant to her, doesn't matter. It still says nothing about what she meant to him and how he feels for her now. We still haven't heard anything that would negate him telling her that he was "Just having fun." What HE feels about OP and is the relationship going the way she wants it to, is the only thing OP should concern herself with.


How long were they together? Again, unless OP and her man want to discuss their past relationships and how long they were in them. That really doesn't matter. Because we all know a man can have a 10 marriage and actually not be all that into his wife from the get go.


I'd say, Keep your eyes open, I mean it's not much to say, cause he's gonna tell you what he thinks you want to hear. Eh, we don't know character. OP should know that better than anyone and again more speuclation which is not useful nor gets us closer to the truth of the matter.

Leesh, I'm not being confrontational and I know OP has made her decision. I just feel sometimes we as women don't work from what we know and go with assumptions. We let our imaginations take over and that may not be what's happening at all. It's a farily new relationship only time will tell.

A lot of women get tripped up with what the other woman is doing when in fact it doesn't matter unless he's doing it with her. OP is in a relationship with the guy, not his ex. So the feelings and intentions of the ex has absolutely nothing to do with OP's relationship with this man.

Like another poster mentioned, the guy could feel one way while the girl feels another. Happens all the time. Her writing a letter thanking him to go to counselling means she might of asked him to go, whereas he may not have gone with her otherwise. Pure speculation at this point. Who knows it's not worth the worry because honestly she's still getting to know this man.

 

[CurlyMoo]

Now I am seeing why people joke on here about LHCF keeping people single. Where is the lie that the guy told??? Many people hate to revisit their past. Maybe the girl did hurt him? Maybe it was more serious than what he told you OP but that doesn't mean that he still wants to be with her. I say do not mention going through his box. He trusted you enough to leave you alone in his home and you don't want to betray his trust by snooping again. Let it go and if he is lying and this ex means more to him than what he is letting on, you will know.

I agree. People have bad experiences and begin to equate those actions with other men when it may not really apply. I totally understand, I have done this and still have to catch myself. So they are speaking from experience, but the problem with that is it's speculation and jumping the gun. Just because it barks like a dog doesn't mean it's a dog. Could be a gifted cat.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aP3gzee1cps

 

[Mai Tai]

OP...I would keep your mouth closed about the box, but your eyes open. You all have only been dating for 4 months, and still learning about each other.

This is a forgivable occurrence, however, watch your man. Give him a chance to prove his true character...bad or good...

 

[SurferBabe]

Now I am seeing why people joke on here about LHCF keeping people single. Where is the lie that the guy told??? Many people hate to revisit their past. Maybe the girl did hurt him? Maybe it was more serious than what he told you OP but that doesn't mean that he still wants to be with her. I say do not mention going through his box. He trusted you enough to leave you alone in his home and you don't want to betray his trust by snooping again. Let it go and if he is lying and this ex means more to him than what he is letting on, you will know.

Did you read all of the responses? Most people said it was nothing. Only a couple said is was a red flag.

 

[Xavier]

Did you read all of the responses? Most people said it was nothing. Only a couple said is was a red flag.

My comment was based on only reading the OP and then the few responses after it. I read the entire thread after posting.