I Get It ... He's Just Not That Into Me

[TinyBlu]

Thanks to the ladies for helping slap me into reality. I am still REALLY hurt that this guy dropped me like a bad habit after he got the panties (I thought waiting would make a difference), and I am still shocked that he would treat me the way he did-job loss or not.

Does anyone have a bad guy detector? If so I need one!

To think... I thought a 35 year old single father and little league coach (now an unemployed one) would be MATURE!! I guess I was wrong.

I am trying to stay busy, but I still think about him all the time. It truly was the best 6 months of my life. In time I will get over it.

I thought about emailing the guy and letting him know how hurt I was, but I really don't think he cares. Such is life... oh well...

 

[LadyPaniolo]

OMG! What a jerk that guy is! That is awful... I hope it starts to hurt less. If it were me he had done that to... I would find a way to get him back some kind of way. It wouldn't be nothing nice either.

 

[Kerryann]

Girl you will be good just make sure you walk outside with your ef em girl attitude and attire every single day you will feel good in no time

 

[Taliah]

Just write the email and send it to yourself just to get it out and then let it go. Please don't send him an email.

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

Chile, whateva you do, DON'T send that e-mail letting him know that he had that power over you and got the best of you. You'll be playing yourself big time.

6 months? Dayum, dat dyck musta been good, but i understand chile... uh huh...sho do. But just because he's 35 and coaches little league doesn't mean he's mature.

Don't worry, he'll be calling. I don't care what happens, dem bamas ALWAYS call back...I don't care if it's 6 months to a year from now..they'll call off da "hey, wassup...I haven't heard from you in a while....blah blah blah".... they'll call wif dat bullshyt.

I'm curious to know what happened.....

 

[PeanutButterandHoney]

Don't even write it.
That part of your life is OVER.
Whether it be GOOD, bad, whatever, it's over!
The past is a preservative, you can NEVER change it.
Analyze what you did wrong and why/how you attract losers (we all do, but after the initial attraction, we must learn skills to keep them away)
Analyze what skill you will need to keep them at a distance.
if you find that you need certian skills, develop and/or build on them.
Let it go.
Do not allow that 6 months manifest itself into your even longer future.

 

[mw138]

......

 

[locabouthair]

I think most women deal with this at one point or another. You meet a man you really like but he doesnt feel the same.

I've been there. Just be happy he's out of your life and you didnt waste anymore time with him. And if he calls you, ignore it. DONT TALK TO HIM. DONT TRY TO BE FRIENDS.

((HUGS))

 

[TinyBlu]

Chile, whateva you do, DON'T send that e-mail letting him know that he had that power over you and got the best of you. You'll be playing yourself big time.

6 months? Dayum, dat dyck musta been good, but i understand chile... uh huh...sho do. But just because he's 35 and coaches little league doesn't mean he's mature.

Don't worry, he'll be calling. I don't care what happens, dem bamas ALWAYS call back...I don't care if it's 6 months to a year from now..they'll call off da "hey, wassup...I haven't heard from you in a while....blah blah blah".... they'll call wif dat bullshyt.

I'm curious to know what happened.....

Same old shyt, different day. We worked for the same company. He pursued me relentlessly for a while. He was SO sweet at first. He flew me to his city, wined and dined me (and I told him I was looking for friendship) and was such a gentleman. He came to my city the following month and we did the expensive date the first night, then had the cheap, chill at home date the next... was still a gentleman. Didn't mind sleeping in the other room. Over the next few months, he and I went on a mixture of dates... chilled at the crib sometimes and did it up big at other times. He didn't even try to kiss me until three months in. We would talk until 4 AM. He would hold my hand, open doors for me, introduce me to his fellow coaches, cook me dinner... all while still being the gentleman. By month 4, we would sleep in the same bed, but he would just hold me. Finally, in month 5, he came to a 5K I was running and met the fam. Everyone loved him, and he told me he was proud of me. He was so supportive and kind... I broke down and took it to the physical level that night. We then went on vacation together two weeks later. It was beautiful. People were asking us if we were on our honeymoon he was so attentive and sweet. When we got back, I felt a little change, but I tried to ignore it. About a month later, he came to see me for Christmas and the whole weekend was just... awkward. I tried to talk about it, and he just shut down on me. Then he stopped calling. Three days after that, he lost his job. We have had one phone conversation since then where he told me he was having a hard time dealing with the job loss and I have tried my hardest to be supportive, but he has has no real contact with me since then. I know this is long, but I just can't understand how a guy can go from sugar to shyt that quickly.

I can understand the difficulty with the job loss, but I don't understand the cutting me out of his life. My only deduction is that He's Just Not that into me. It hurts like he**.

 

[Glib Gurl]

Same old shyt, different day. We worked for the same company. He pursued me relentlessly for a while. He was SO sweet at first. He flew me to his city, wined and dined me (and I told him I was looking for friendship) and was such a gentleman. He came to my city the following month and we did the expensive date the first night, then had the cheap, chill at home date the next... was still a gentleman. Didn't mind sleeping in the other room. Over the next few months, he and I went on a mixture of dates... chilled at the crib sometimes and did it up big at other times. He didn't even try to kiss me until three months in. We would talk until 4 AM. He would hold my hand, open doors for me, introduce me to his fellow coaches, cook me dinner... all while still being the gentleman. By month 4, we would sleep in the same bed, but he would just hold me. Finally, in month 5, he came to a 5K I was running and met the fam. Everyone loved him, and he told me he was proud of me. He was so supportive and kind... I broke down and took it to the physical level that night. We then went on vacation together two weeks later. It was beautiful. People were asking us if we were on our honeymoon he was so attentive and sweet. When we got back, I felt a little change, but I tried to ignore it. About a month later, he came to see me for Christmas and the whole weekend was just... awkward. I tried to talk about it, and he just shut down on me. Then he stopped calling. Three days after that, he lost his job. We have had one phone conversation since then where he told me he was having a hard time dealing with the job loss and I have tried my hardest to be supportive, but he has has no real contact with me since then. I know this is long, but I just can't understand how a guy can go from sugar to shyt that quickly.

I can understand the difficulty with the job loss, but I don't understand the cutting me out of his life. My only deduction is that He's Just Not that into me. It hurts like he**.

That is crazy - I cannot believe men actually do this (I thought this was just crap Eddie Murphy made up for Boomerang ) I'm so sorry, hon. Even if he wasn't "the one," nobody wants to be rejected . . . emotions should not be played with!

(((Hugs)))

 

[chocolat79]

Awww..... it'll get easier. I know it doesn't seem like it right now, especially since everything was going great, but you'll start to feel better day by day. My ex and I just broke up too and I still think about him, but less and less everyday. You'll make it through...just hang in there

 

[Kurlee]

wow OP. That is crazy. For him to do all that and then disappear, is just . It's not your fault. You were careful and I think, according to what you wrote, he was showing interest and doing all the right things. There is nothing else you could have done. Sometimes people are just deceitful and it doesn't make you dumb to "fall for it". Some people are just good manipulators. I know ur hurting right now but don't turn into robocop when it comes to men. When the right man comes along, you will be able to enjoy them without fear.

 

[Bunny77]

Thanks to the ladies for helping slap me into reality. I am still REALLY hurt that this guy dropped me like a bad habit after he got the panties (I thought waiting would make a difference), and I am still shocked that he would treat me the way he did-job loss or not.

Does anyone have a bad guy detector? If so I need one!

To think... I thought a 35 year old single father and little league coach (now an unemployed one) would be MATURE!! I guess I was wrong.

I am trying to stay busy, but I still think about him all the time. It truly was the best 6 months of my life. In time I will get over it.

I thought about emailing the guy and letting him know how hurt I was, but I really don't think he cares. Such is life... oh well...

Wow, I'm sorry about that. I'm also glad you figured out that this was no mere "break," and that breaks after six months are utterly ridiculous and a sign that it's over. (And you weren't even exclusive the whole time either!)

Bad guy detector... well, here are a few questions I have for you that might help for the future.

-About waiting for sex... now, I think it's so mentally immature to be 35 and doing the hit-quit thing like you're some horny teenager who's discovering sex for the first time, so he gets the screwface for that.

My question to you though is, what did "waiting" entail? Did he seem to pressure you too much about wanting to get some? Did he push the boundaries each time or let you set the tone? Or did you do a thing where you were "waiting," but there were other activities taking place in that period?

The only reason I'm asking is because some men will know they can hold out for a while if they think they're getting close, or they'll temporarily settle for other activities in the meantime. I know that when I wanted to wait, I would watching the man's behavior and listen to his words VERY closely to see if he was giving off any red flags to show that he wasn't really respecting my wishes, but was just "holding out," so to speak, until he could potentially hit.

-When you all were together, I'm sure you had a lot of fun, but how much did you all talk about your future together? I'm sure he said he was ready for something serious or "real," but did he make moves to show you this? Did you meet any family members of his? Did he include you into both the fun and mundane parts of his life? Did he make sacrifices for you or do things that made your life better, but provided no benefit to him (like fixing stuff at your house, etc.)? A mature man of his age usually will move quickly in word and deed to show how serious he is with a woman... and serious conversations usually take place about a future together around a 5-9-month mark.

-Okay, so was he financially stable? That's great that he was a Little League coach, but was that a full-time job? If not, what's up with that? Did he have other employment? If not, that was a BAD sign right there.

Other thoughts... was he ever married? I'm just saying, you seem surprised that a 35-year-old single father would do this, but if he's a never-married 35-year-old single father, then he'd be EXACTLY the candidate I'd have in mind to do this, really. In his adult life, he never saw fit to settle down with one woman? Like the mother of his child?

And PLEASE don't e-mail him.

Chin up... you'll be alright.

 

[ambergirl]

I don't know why, but I'm getting the he had someone else all along vibe.

 

[IMFOCSD]

Same old shyt, different day. We worked for the same company. He pursued me relentlessly for a while. He was SO sweet at first. He flew me to his city, wined and dined me (and I told him I was looking for friendship) and was such a gentleman. He came to my city the following month and we did the expensive date the first night, then had the cheap, chill at home date the next... was still a gentleman. Didn't mind sleeping in the other room. Over the next few months, he and I went on a mixture of dates... chilled at the crib sometimes and did it up big at other times. He didn't even try to kiss me until three months in. We would talk until 4 AM. He would hold my hand, open doors for me, introduce me to his fellow coaches, cook me dinner... all while still being the gentleman. By month 4, we would sleep in the same bed, but he would just hold me. Finally, in month 5, he came to a 5K I was running and met the fam. Everyone loved him, and he told me he was proud of me. He was so supportive and kind... I broke down and took it to the physical level that night. We then went on vacation together two weeks later. It was beautiful. People were asking us if we were on our honeymoon he was so attentive and sweet. When we got back, I felt a little change, but I tried to ignore it. About a month later, he came to see me for Christmas and the whole weekend was just... awkward. I tried to talk about it, and he just shut down on me. Then he stopped calling. Three days after that, he lost his job. We have had one phone conversation since then where he told me he was having a hard time dealing with the job loss and I have tried my hardest to be supportive, but he has has no real contact with me since then. I know this is long, but I just can't understand how a guy can go from sugar to shyt that quickly.

I can understand the difficulty with the job loss, but I don't understand the cutting me out of his life. My only deduction is that He's Just Not that into me. It hurts like he**.

I know exactly how you feel I am in a similar situation except my ex moved out of town, went from nothing to something & changed on me & my friends/fam did not like him 2 well. He had a arrogant, I know everything mentality & was very judgmental of everyone but himself.. I guess I dodged a bullet because he had some very negative characteristics as well as his sweet side. Sent me a rude & arrogant break up text about 2 weeks ago...it gets easier. I didn't understand because we were so close, best friends, inseparable. Like your ex he was so sweet & loving...I like the bolded...so true.

You will be okay & please don't send him an e-mail..I thought about doing that..often actually but something holds me back...Thank God. Just realize that what he did speaks volumes about his character...he's not worth it. You will be okay.

 

[ThickHair]

........ He flew me to his city, wined and dined me (and I told him I was looking for friendship) and was such a gentleman.

-When you all were together, I'm sure you had a lot of fun, but how much did you all talk about your future together? I'm sure he said he was ready for something serious or "real," but did he make moves to show you this?
Chin up... you'll be alright.

See above, she said she was looking for FRIENDSHIP. I see it as she changed her mind and may not have told him. If that is the case, TinyBlu has her hand in the demise of the nonrelationship. If she changed her stance and TOLD him, then he was just being a donkey.

Ladies you can't flip the script and not tell the guy, so he has the option to figure out what HE wants to do also.

 

[song_of_serenity]

You didn't post this story on BHM did you?
In any event, you got the answers you need. Sorry it went down that way, I have to also factor in what Thick Hair said...but if you guys were exclusive, then he is just all sorts of wrong. Here is a *HUG* and I pray you have speediness in emotional resolution for that healing heart!

 

[Bunny77]

Sorry TinyBlu, I was writing my post as you were posting! You probably answered all of my questions in that post!

 

[MissJ]

I don't know why, but I'm getting the he had someone else all along vibe.

Because they didn't live in the same state, all she knew was what he told her. Of course he wouldn't tell her about any other woman/women. He probably didn't lose his job, either. That's why I don't do long distance. Too much room for BS!

 

[MissJ]

See above, she said she was looking for FRIENDSHIP. I see it as she changed her mind and may not have told him. If that is the case, TinyBlu has her hand in the demise of the nonrelationship. If she changed her stance and TOLD him, then he was just being a donkey.

Ladies you can't flip the script and not tell the guy, so he has the opionion to figure out what HE wants to do also.

They were exclusive, or so he said...

 

[MissJ]

Chile, whateva you do, DON'T send that e-mail letting him know that he had that power over you and got the best of you. You'll be playing yourself big time.

6 months? Dayum, dat dyck musta been good, but i understand chile... uh huh...sho do. But just because he's 35 and coaches little league doesn't mean he's mature.

Don't worry, he'll be calling. I don't care what happens, dem bamas ALWAYS call back...I don't care if it's 6 months to a year from now..they'll call off da "hey, wassup...I haven't heard from you in a while....blah blah blah".... they'll call wif dat bullshyt.

I'm curious to know what happened.....

She posted 2 other threads prior to posting this one:

Break: http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=434868

Update: http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=436504

 

[IMFOCSD]

You will be fine...TRUST! Just focus on you & know that this too shall pass. Someone stated in another thread "A woman's rejection is God's protection" this saying has given me so much strength & now I'm getting me together & getting ready for some summer fun (I know by then, I will feel so much better)

I will pray for you.

 

[TinyBlu]

See above, she said she was looking for FRIENDSHIP. I see it as she changed her mind and may not have told him. If that is the case, TinyBlu has her hand in the demise of the nonrelationship. If she changed her stance and TOLD him, then he was just being a donkey.

Ladies you can't flip the script and not tell the guy, so he has the opionion to figure out what HE wants to do also.

No script flipping here. I am VERY up front about boundaries. Once we got physical, I came right out and asked him what the "rules" were. Being in my mid-30's I know that the dynamics of relationships have changed, and sleeping with someone doesn't make them your man. HE said he wanted to lock things down. Ladies...he even said MONOGAMY!!! I even gave him the option to notify me if things changed in that area. How much more open could I have been?

 

[TinyBlu]

Test Reply... Having technical issues...

 

[TinyBlu]

In response to your questions!

My question to you though is, what did "waiting" entail? Did he seem to pressure you too much about wanting to get some? Did he push the boundaries each time or let you set the tone? Or did you do a thing where you were "waiting," but there were other activities taking place in that period?

Waiting was truly waiting. There was no high school heavy petting or second base/third base stuff. He was a true gentleman the whole time and NEVER
Pressured me to do anything. In fact, he told me he enjoyed the fact that
we were getting to know each other on a friendship level first.

The only reason I'm asking is because some men will know they can hold out for a while if they think they're getting close, or they'll temporarily settle for other activities in the meantime. I know that when I wanted to wait, I would watching the man's behavior and listen to his words VERY closely to see if he was giving off any red flags to show that he wasn't really respecting my wishes, but was just "holding out," so to speak, until he could potentially hit.

Nope. Not the case here.

-When you all were together, I'm sure you had a lot of fun, but how much did you all talk about your future together? I'm sure he said he was ready for something serious or "real," but did he make moves to show you this? Did you meet any family members of his? Did he include you into both the fun and mundane parts of his life? Did he make sacrifices for you or do things that made your life better, but provided no benefit to him (like fixing stuff at your house, etc.)? A mature man of his age usually will move quickly in word and deed to show how serious he is with a woman... and serious conversations usually take place about a future together around a 5-9-month mark.


We talked about EVERYTHING. Our values and beliefs, views on children, both our
desires to get remarried, etc. He couldn’t introduce me to his family because they
live on the West Coast, but all of his close friends near and far knew about me. He
had introduced me to his fellow little league coaches when I went to his games (as
his GF), so I don’t think I was a well kept secret. The only person I had not met
was his son, and I was not ready to do that, so that didn’t bother me.

As for doing those “little things”… how much time you got? He drove 4 hours to see
me run a race. He knew I had shin splints so he bought me some special gear to
wear that would prevent them. When I would go see him, he would cook breakfast
for me. Warm up my car and have a travel mug waiting for me in the car when I left.
When he would come see me, he would help clean up after I cooked, take out the
trash, replace light bulbs and loose doorknobs WITHOUT me asking. This guy
was no buster.

-Okay, so was he financially stable? That's great that he was a Little League coach, but was that a full-time job? If not, what's up with that? Did he have other employment? If not, that was a BAD sign right there.

As far as I could tell, he was financially stable. Up until December, we worked for
the same company, and we are in a very lucrative industry. He disclosed that he
was unemployed for 6 months prior to securing the job with our company, but he
appeared to be bouncing back rather well. Ironically, he did disclose that during his
lay off, he basically lost everything including a (according to him) rather superficial,
materialistic girlfriend who allegedly left him during his lay off. I’m thinking that
has something to do with his pulling back, but cutting me off totally seems rather
extreme. It’s painful.

Other thoughts... was he ever married? I'm just saying, you seem surprised that a 35-year-old single father would do this, but if he's a never-married 35-year-old single father, then he'd be EXACTLY the candidate I'd have in mind to do this, really. In his adult life, he never saw fit to settle down with one woman? Like the mother of his child?

Yes. He and the mother of his child were married for 5 years, and he has been
divorced for 6 years. He has a 10 year old son.

So does this make it clearer why this whole thing is a shock? I really didn’t
think I was that naïve at my age.

 

[Mrs. N Lugo]

No script flipping here. I am VERY up front about boundaries. Once we got physical, I came right out and asked him what the "rules" were. Being in my mid-30's I know that the dynamics of relationships have changed, and sleeping with someone doesn't make them your man. HE said he wanted to lock things down. Ladies...he even said MONOGAMY!!! I even gave him the option to notify me if things changed in that area. How much more open could I have been?

You do know that things can change and you guys just might end up together. The only reason I say that is because 2 months after casually dating (we were intimate) my now husband, he stopped calling and we stopped hanging out. I was very hurt. But I let it go. He would still come to my office and stare at me or he would send me a text telling me how nice I looked. But the physical contact stopped completely with no explanation.


When we first began dating he was a Public Defender (a broke lawyer, lol). When he came back into my life a few months later he had moved on to a good position at a private law firm. He was finally making good money and he could afford to take me out more often. DH told me he knew he was going to marry me when he first laid eyes on me, but with his salary as a Public Defender he couldn't support a wife. He needed to focus on landing a good position that would allow him to provide for us. So he shut down and stopped calling me until he got his stuff together. I had no clue what was going on an I never questioned him, I just gave him his space.

I know my post is all over the place but my point is, it just might not be the end. My hubby an I met in October 2005. He stopped calling and hanging out with me in December 2005 (but he still had goo goo eyes for me). Lord knows I was hurt. I would pray about our situation daily. Something in me said he is the one, even when we stopped hanging out. February 2006 he asked me out to dinner and I said yes. From that day on we were inseparable and we married 7 months later in a private ceremony.

If you feel like he is worth it, give him his space so that he can get himself together. Pray on it an allow God to work. If it's meant to be it will be. But continue to do you.

 

[natumer]

OP: I am sorry *hugs*. Some guys just like the chase. They like to find a woman who is not into them at first and find "pride" in conquering them, and once they do they are not interested and ready to move to the new/next conquest. That's sad! you would think at 35 he would GROW UP and realize how stupid that is.

 

[ebonylocs]

I agree with the below. I don't necessarily think it's that he's "not that into you." Some men can be *really* sensitive about a woman they esteem seeing them down, broke and unemployed. They feel like it impairs their manhood or something. He might be extremely depressed and feeling self doubt, especially since you said he was unemployed previous to getting the job he just lost. Maybe after all the wining and dining and trips, he doesn't want to seem diminished in your eyes when he can't keep that up anymore. I'm not saying that you should invest anything in waiting around for this guy to come back, but I don't think you should necessarily assume that he is a jerk and doesn't care about you. (But then, you know him and your relationship better than any of us do.)

You do know that things can change and you guys just might end up together. The only reason I say that is because 2 months after casually dating (we were intimate) my now husband, he stopped calling and we stopped hanging out. I was very hurt. But I let it go. He would still come to my office and stare at me or he would send me a text telling me how nice I looked. But the physical contact stopped completely with no explanation.


When we first began dating he was a Public Defender (a broke lawyer, lol). When he came back into my life a few months later he had moved on to a good position at a private law firm. He was finally making good money and he could afford to take me out more often. DH told me he knew he was going to marry me when he first laid eyes on me, but with his salary as a Public Defender he couldn't support a wife. He needed to focus on landing a good position that would allow him to provide for us. So he shut down and stopped calling me until he got his stuff together. I had no clue what was going on an I never questioned him, I just gave him his space.

I know my post is all over the place but my point is, it just might not be the end. My hubby an I met in October 2005. He stopped calling and hanging out with me in December 2005 (but he still had goo goo eyes for me). Lord knows I was hurt. I would pray about our situation daily. Something in me said he is the one, even when we stopped hanging out. February 2006 he asked me out to dinner and I said yes. From that day on we were inseparable and we married 7 months later in a private ceremony.

If you feel like he is worth it, give him his space so that he can get himself together. Pray on it an allow God to work. If it's meant to be it will be. But continue to do you.

 

[tiara76]

this sounds like it could easily be a

he's too into you situation

whatever the case you have to let him go and get himself together

alot of men guage their self worth and how valuable they are to a woman by his income and ability to take care of her esp if he is into her, if he's been rejected before by a woman he was into because he lost his job or ability to give her material goods its a major blow to his self esteem and can easily affect his behaviors in future relationships

its not uncommon men run when they have their own insecurities and think they aren't worthy of the woman they feel is worth so much

 

[TinyBlu]

You do know that things can change and you guys just might end up together. The only reason I say that is because 2 months after casually dating (we were intimate) my now husband, he stopped calling and we stopped hanging out. I was very hurt. But I let it go. He would still come to my office and stare at me or he would send me a text telling me how nice I looked. But the physical contact stopped completely with no explanation.


When we first began dating he was a Public Defender (a broke lawyer, lol). When he came back into my life a few months later he had moved on to a good position at a private law firm. He was finally making good money and he could afford to take me out more often. DH told me he knew he was going to marry me when he first laid eyes on me, but with his salary as a Public Defender he couldn't support a wife. He needed to focus on landing a good position that would allow him to provide for us. So he shut down and stopped calling me until he got his stuff together. I had no clue what was going on an I never questioned him, I just gave him his space.

I know my post is all over the place but my point is, it just might not be the end. My hubby an I met in October 2005. He stopped calling and hanging out with me in December 2005 (but he still had goo goo eyes for me). Lord knows I was hurt. I would pray about our situation daily. Something in me said he is the one, even when we stopped hanging out. February 2006 he asked me out to dinner and I said yes. From that day on we were inseparable and we married 7 months later in a private ceremony.

If you feel like he is worth it, give him his space so that he can get himself together. Pray on it an allow God to work. If it's meant to be it will be. But continue to do you.

That is so encouraging. Thanks! This is the first time that I have ever felt this way. Usually if someone asks me for space I tell them where to go, but this felt so different to me. It's been hard, but I can't let go. You may just be right. I am going to continue to stay busy and keep the faith.