I feel so bad for her

[Aniyasmommy]

My uncle just called me and told me that my cousin just had her fifth child. No one in her family knew she was pregnant and she delivered the baby in her home cut the cord etc.

Me and her are not close AT ALL. There has always been friction between us and we dont know why .erplexed We just arent comfortable around each other anymore. I remember when she had her first child and she came to my house to visit with my mom and brother and show off her baby. I didnt even lay eyes on the child because she just ignored me like I wasnt even there. That was a really long time ago but Im still sorta angry about it. I just think it was very foul .

She had so much potential ,super smart,pretty as all get out and IMO her life is in shambles. She had her fifth child by the same man and she is not with him . He is dating someone else . She knew she was pregnant and kept it a secret probaly because she is ashamed . She goes to school and works but what man wants a woman with 5 kids ?? I know there are some men who may not mind but it's not very realistic she will find a quality man that is willing to take all that on.The father of her children is a bum and I dont know why he wont marry that girl . You can give her five beautiful children and see nothing wrong with her being a "babymama" . SMH .

I saw pictures of all her kids on her myspace and they are gorgeous . I want to say something to her but I dont know what to say. We have not even said "hi" since we were 10 or 11 years old and were both in our mid 20's.

We used to be close back in the day but as soon as we hit about 10 or 11 we havent even said hello. Our family was still close and I saw her through the years but we never said hi to eachother ...we just watched our parents interact . She has always remained friends with my older brother . I think that if I send her a message on myspace like hi how are you it most likely will be ignored.

 

[Renovating]

You said you two are not close and you are still angry about the way she treated you when she had her first child (which must have been a long time ago if she has five now), so I am confused about about why you want to talk to her.

 

[Thann]

Just let it go.

You two grew apart and since you still feel a certain way towards her, move on. You can't save everyone.

 

[Blaque*Angel]

Life is too short, She is your cousin. Just let it go!!

Send her a message on MYSPACE! Let her know that you want to try and sort out the relationship, And you will be there for her and her children.

She could be going through any depression right now. Home birth alone and cutting the cord? Something is not right with that.

As I said before, Life is far TOO short..You do not want to have regrets in the future.

you obviously still love her or you would not have started this thread!

 

[locabouthair]

You could contact her if you want just to say hi how are you but I wouldn't bring up her situation.

She's in her mid 20's so she is grown enough to make her own decisions, even if it means having 5 kids and not being married. Thats her choice.

 

[♥Lamaravilla♥]

Well at least all the babies have the same daddy, thank God for small mercies....

 

[awhyley]

^^^ Now if she'll just realize that that won't make them a family, and that he just won't wise up because she had another one of his kids, she'll be on the road to recovery.

OP, I think that long ago she saw that you guys were on different paths and that she resented you for it. Whether it's wise to contact her, I don't know.

 

[Bachelorette]

Well at least all the babies have the same daddy, thank God for small mercies....

not sure if you were being funny girl but i laughed anyway


obviously yolu're dying to communicate so you might as well say hi

 

[deltagyrl]

My uncle just called me and told me that my cousin just had her fifth child. No one in her family knew she was pregnant and she delivered the baby in her home cut the cord etc.

Me and her are not close AT ALL. There has always been friction between us and we dont know why .erplexed We just arent comfortable around each other anymore. I remember when she had her first child and she came to my house to visit with my mom and brother and show off her baby. I didnt even lay eyes on the child because she just ignored me like I wasnt even there. That was a really long time ago but Im still sorta angry about it. I just think it was very foul .

She had so much potential ,super smart,pretty as all get out and IMO her life is in shambles. She had her fifth child by the same man and she is not with him . He is dating someone else . She knew she was pregnant and kept it a secret probaly because she is ashamed . She goes to school and works but what man wants a woman with 5 kids ?? I know there are some men who may not mind but it's not very realistic she will find a quality man that is willing to take all that on.The father of her children is a bum and I dont know why he wont marry that girl . You can give her five beautiful children and see nothing wrong with her being a "babymama" . SMH .

I saw pictures of all her kids on her myspace and they are gorgeous . I want to say something to her but I dont know what to say. We have not even said "hi" since we were 10 or 11 years old and were both in our mid 20's.

We used to be close back in the day but as soon as we hit about 10 or 11 we havent even said hello. Our family was still close and I saw her through the years but we never said hi to eachother ...we just watched our parents interact . She has always remained friends with my older brother . I think that if I send her a message on myspace like hi how are you it most likely will be ignored.

Ouch.
I actually know 2 women (4 kids each) who've recently married good men.

Now, I'm no advocate of having a gang of kids OOW but to suggest that women with OOW kids will forever be manless or only able to snag a raggedy man ain't true.

Exception vs the rule? Maybe.

 

[Demi27]

Well at least all the babies have the same daddy, thank God for small mercies....

I feel horrible because I was thinking sarcastically and thought the same thing too.

OP, I agree with other posters above. Life is too short. It's still bothering you, but you have to try and let it go. I would send her a message saying whatever you're going to say and just leave it at that. If she responds, great and the two of you can take it from there. If not, you've done what you can and she will just have to live with her choices. It's apparent she's not all too happy with them because she hid her pregnancy.

 

[Livingmylifetothefullest]

Is there a reason you want to talk to her so bad? She doesn't talk to you, you don't talk to her so keep it that way. If I haven't spoken to someone since 10-11 y/o then I surely have no desire to when in my 20s.

 

[SelahOco]

^^^ Now if she'll just realize that that won't make them a family, and that he just won't wise up because she had another one of his kids, she'll be on the road to recovery.

OP, I think that long ago she saw that you guys were on different paths and that she resented you for it. Whether it's wise to contact her, I don't know.

I think it's a case of children hearing adults talking. If they were close one day and then the next acting funny, one or both of them likely heard something they shouldn't have. The adults may have even been comparing her to her cousin "You should be more like xyz..."

OP, if you want to reach out but don't need a response from her, just text or email her and say "I love you. I know we're not as close as we once were but I love you and I want you to know that."

 

[ang3lface816]

I'm surprised that some don't think you should talk to her. It's not like you really fell out you just grew apart and more distant.. You probably thought she was acting funny one day and stopped talking, and she probably did the same.. Or vice versa

I'm not a "family" person.. not really.. But I would say, send her a message.. and if she acts dumb.. then thats on her. It's not your fault at that point.

And dang.. I feel sorry for her too and idk her.
** women need to stop letting these men knock you up with no commitment.. Being a baby mama is not the bizness**

 

[MoniintheMiddle]

OP, do you want to reach out to her to let her know you're here for her or are you expecting an apology of sorts for the past (I ask that because you did mention that you are still angry about it). IMO, the woman has 5 kids and is probably not thinking about what happened between the two back then. I hope that you can forgive and move on and if you decide to contact her, do it out of honest concern for her without bringing up the past....just a thought

 

[january noir]

Send her a HAPPY NEW YEAR greeting via MySpace. Wish her health and happiness and let her know that you think her children are beautiful. Just like you shared with us.

I agree with most here, life is short and mend relationships if you can.

At least you can say you tried to normalize relations and let the owness be on her if she doesn't try to meet you halfway as well.

Do either of you have any idea why she dislikes you? You may have done something that rubbed her the wrong way and she's letting it fester all these years.

You guys should sit down and have a heart to heart eventually.

 

[Bachelorette]

Ouch.
I actually know 2 women (4 kids each) who've recently married good men.

Now, I'm no advocate of having a gang of kids OOW but to suggest that women with OOW kids will forever be manless or only able to snag a raggedy man ain't true.

Exception vs the rule? Maybe.

The women you know are DEFINITELY exception(s)

 

[BlkHoneyLuv2U]

The women you know are DEFINITELY exception(s)

Adding to her exception, I also know two women with 4 kids each who met and married great guys. One is a former member here. Both married white men though, dont know if that make a difference or not in that they both had four oow kids then met and married white guys who legally adopted their black kids as their own and proceeded to have a fifth kid for their white husbands. One has been married six years the other five years.. ...Ahhhh theres still hope for your cousin.

 

[MissYocairis]

Speak to her. There's no reason for the estrangement except foolish pride/ego. Both of yours. Neither one of you has a reason not to be speaking to the other. It's time to behave as adults and just speak. SPEAK TO EACH OTHER. Be the bigger woman. This is your family. And, she is hurting and you want to reach out in your heart of hearts, so do it. I guarantee you, you will not lose your dignity nor an ounce of stature by speaking to her.

I always wonder about family divisions like this, especially when there's no strong reason for them.

 

[MD_Lady]

I understand your feelings because I have a similar relationship with some members of my family. I don't think there's any harm in giving her a quick call to say hello and check in on her and her family. Maybe, at some point in the future, the two of you will be able to talk about what the underlying issue is. If she isn't receptive, I don't think you should pursue a relationship with her. Unfortunately, blood ties don't always lead to a bond.

 

[PeanutButterandHoney]

Why do you want to make up with her?

 

[song_of_serenity]

Op, if after everything you want to reach out to her, it may be for a reason. Who knows what the future holds...I have seen too many situations with people flinging themselves on an open casket bawling but it was too late... Please contact your cousin.
The worse you can get is no response and then you know it's done for. And it wouldn't be anything new to you. I hope you two can mend things. It's not like you fell out...just fell apart. Keep us updated!!

 

[Aniyasmommy]

Thank you everyone for your advice . Im going to answer your questions. I dont really know what happened between us to cause this riff. One year we were absolutely fine and the next year she wanted absolutely nothing to do with me. She contuinued to be friends with my brother. It's not something I think about on a daily basis for the most part I dont think about her at all but when my uncle called and told me about it It just bought it all back up. I would honestly like to know why she dislikes me the way that she do. I dont think it's a jealously thing. Growing up she was always the star of attention . She's the lightest,slimmest ,prettiest girl in the family and she was also very smart and got the good grades. One year she came down for a visit and was totally uninterested in me. Throughout the years my brother mentioned her alot because they stayed friends and I would physically see her but she never even glanced at me . She totally ignored me and I was feeling like WTF did I ever do to you ?

I honestly want to know why she hates me.What did I do to her back than? I think back and I cant remember a single thing Ive ever done to her. She was always my favorite cousin and even though everyone treated her like gold I never had any jealously towards her whatsoever.

I kinda hate her now for the way she turned on me. I did something rather foul to her a couple years back . I spoke to my brother on the phone one day and he was bragging about her saying "haha ____ still doesnt talk to you..
She hates you for some reason" and I said "Did she say why she hates me I never did nothing to her???" and he said " I dunno she just do . She hates you"

I was so angry because I feel like she isnt justified . I went on her myspace page and read her blog. She said she loves her kids and her ex boyfriend and she wishes he would stay home instead of out with some white girl..I did a little investigating and found the white girl's myspace. I took her picture and mimicked her myspace page and I sent my cousin a message. It was very foul . I said I got your man keep popping those babies out because he's still with me and he loves me and you look like a dumbass pining for him all over your myspace like those kids gonna make him stay . She wrote back saying I could keep him she doesnt want him she's moving on . I wrote back yeah you moving on cause he's with me you bald headed ***** . All those years and you still cant grow your hair past your ear ?

At the time I thought it was funny and justified it by saying well she does'nt like me for no reason so Im gonna give her a reason to make her hate me. She never knew it was me that sent the message because i havent been in contact with her for years . I recently just spilled the beans to my brother about what I did and he went off on me . He said she called him crying and telling all her business. I was cold hearted at the time and I basically rolled my eyes .Why couldnt' she call me ? Why she speaks to everyone in my family BUT me ? What could I have possibly done at 10 years old to make her hate me like this ? Last year our uncle mailed my brother a plane ticket to go visit them and he didnt mail me one. My brother came back home bragging and saying how he loved her kids and how they had such a great time. I asked him if she said anything about me and he said " she dont think about you girl you aint nothing to her "


WTF??? Why doesnt this chick like me?What could I have possibly done at 10 years old to make this chick act like this towards me after all these years ? I cant think of anything. I know I did the myspace thing but other than that I havent done anything.

 

[NYAmicas]

I kinda hate her now for the way she turned on me. I did something rather foul to her a couple years back . I spoke to my brother on the phone one day and he was bragging about her saying "haha ____ still doesnt talk to you..
She hates you for some reason" and I said "Did she say why she hates me I never did nothing to her???" and he said " I dunno she just do . She hates you"

I was so angry because I feel like she isnt justified . I went on her myspace page and read her blog. She said she loves her kids and her ex boyfriend and she wishes he would stay home instead of out with some white girl..I did a little investigating and found the white girl's myspace. I took her picture and mimicked her myspace page and I sent my cousin a message. It was very foul . I said I got your man keep popping those babies out because he's still with me and he loves me and you look like a dumbass pining for him all over your myspace like those kids gonna make him stay . She wrote back saying I could keep him she doesnt want him she's moving on . I wrote back yeah you moving on cause he's with me you bald headed ***** . All those years and you still cant grow your hair past your ear ?

At the time I thought it was funny and justified it by saying well she does'nt like me for no reason so Im gonna give her a reason to make her hate me. She never knew it was me that sent the message because i havent been in contact with her for years . I recently just spilled the beans to my brother about what I did and he went off on me . He said she called him crying and telling all her business. I was cold hearted at the time and I basically rolled my eyes .Why couldnt' she call me ? Why she speaks to everyone in my family BUT me ? What could I have possibly done at 10 years old to make her hate me like this ? Last year our uncle mailed my brother a plane ticket to go visit them and he didnt mail me one. My brother came back home bragging and saying how he loved her kids and how they had such a great time. I asked him if she said anything about me and he said " she dont think about you girl you aint nothing to her "


WTF??? Why doesnt this chick like me?What could I have possibly done at 10 years old to make this chick act like this towards me after all these years ? I cant think of anything. I know I did the myspace thing but other than that I havent done anything.

At the bolded.erplexed There's a whole lotta strange family dynamic going on here. Im glad you acknowledged that Myspace thing was foul. Truth is sometimes people will just not like you. It doesnt sound beneficial to me for you to pursue finding out why. Sending her a nice message might work but if it doesnt just let it go. 5 kids, she has more than enough on her plate.

 

[Aniyasmommy]

At the bolded.erplexed There's a whole lotta strange family dynamic going on here. Im glad you acknowledged that Myspace thing was foul. Truth is sometimes people will just not like you. It doesnt sound beneficial to me for you to pursue finding out why. Sending her a nice message might work but if it doesnt just let it go. 5 kids, she has more than enough on her plate.

I know she does i'd still like to know why though. Im simply bothered by it all. I dont go on myspace or have a page . I havent even looked at a myspace page in like a year. I find it to be so juvenile now but back than I was the person with the page and a million friends . I just looked at my brother's page and she is his top friend and he is her top friend...I read the comments ...lots of loving family type comments .Im annoyed by it . Im not going to lie. She just logged on today. I dont know if I want to go through making a myspace page just to send her a message . I may ask my brother to send her a message for me later on tonight . If I dont do that than Ill make a page and contact her myself. Ill send something simple like "hey how are you I heard you had another baby congratulations i hope you and baby are ok . TTYL " She may or may not respond...Im leaning towards not but ill see.

 

[deltagyrl]

The women you know are DEFINITELY exception(s)

Perhaps. I do think it's more common than most would care to believe.
Meh. I hate the whole stance (on this board and irl) that a woman who has a child(ren) should curl up in a little ball and die. I meet a lot of single moms who have just given up on being loved by someone because society tells them that they are damaged goods. I hate that.

OP, not sure why you want to reach out. Good luck with that.

 

[PuddingPop]

Thank you everyone for your advice . Im going to answer your questions. I dont really know what happened between us to cause this riff. One year we were absolutely fine and the next year she wanted absolutely nothing to do with me. She contuinued to be friends with my brother. It's not something I think about on a daily basis for the most part I dont think about her at all but when my uncle called and told me about it It just bought it all back up. I would honestly like to know why she dislikes me the way that she do. I dont think it's a jealously thing. Growing up she was always the star of attention . She's the lightest,slimmest ,prettiest girl in the family and she was also very smart and got the good grades. One year she came down for a visit and was totally uninterested in me. Throughout the years my brother mentioned her alot because they stayed friends and I would physically see her but she never even glanced at me . She totally ignored me and I was feeling like WTF did I ever do to you ?

I honestly want to know why she hates me.What did I do to her back than? I think back and I cant remember a single thing Ive ever done to her. She was always my favorite cousin and even though everyone treated her like gold I never had any jealously towards her whatsoever.

I kinda hate her now for the way she turned on me. I did something rather foul to her a couple years back . I spoke to my brother on the phone one day and he was bragging about her saying "haha ____ still doesnt talk to you..
She hates you for some reason" and I said "Did she say why she hates me I never did nothing to her???" and he said " I dunno she just do . She hates you"

I was so angry because I feel like she isnt justified . I went on her myspace page and read her blog. She said she loves her kids and her ex boyfriend and she wishes he would stay home instead of out with some white girl..I did a little investigating and found the white girl's myspace. I took her picture and mimicked her myspace page and I sent my cousin a message. It was very foul . I said I got your man keep popping those babies out because he's still with me and he loves me and you look like a dumbass pining for him all over your myspace like those kids gonna make him stay . She wrote back saying I could keep him she doesnt want him she's moving on . I wrote back yeah you moving on cause he's with me you bald headed ***** . All those years and you still cant grow your hair past your ear ?

At the time I thought it was funny and justified it by saying well she does'nt like me for no reason so Im gonna give her a reason to make her hate me. She never knew it was me that sent the message because i havent been in contact with her for years . I recently just spilled the beans to my brother about what I did and he went off on me . He said she called him crying and telling all her business. I was cold hearted at the time and I basically rolled my eyes .Why couldnt' she call me ? Why she speaks to everyone in my family BUT me ? What could I have possibly done at 10 years old to make her hate me like this ? Last year our uncle mailed my brother a plane ticket to go visit them and he didnt mail me one. My brother came back home bragging and saying how he loved her kids and how they had such a great time. I asked him if she said anything about me and he said " she dont think about you girl you aint nothing to her "


WTF??? Why doesnt this chick like me?What could I have possibly done at 10 years old to make this chick act like this towards me after all these years ? I cant think of anything. I know I did the myspace thing but other than that I havent done anything.

And you really dont know why she wont speak to you? Even she was going to ever speak to you again, this shenanigin may have killed the chances.
She definitely knows about this. If she and your brother are as close as it seems, he definitely told her about this.
Anyway, the past is the past. I still think its a good idea to reach out to her to try to restore your relationship. I can't hurt.

Im wondering why your uncle called to tell you about the newborn. Maybe he wants you to reach out ot her too?

Is this the same Uncle that sent your brother the plane ticket?

 

[Bachelorette]

Perhaps. I do think it's more common than most would care to believe.
Meh. I hate the whole stance (on this board and irl) that a woman who has a child(ren) should curl up in a little ball and die.

No one is saying that. This person's situation goes way beyond just being a regular single mom.

If I were a man I'd be very leery of a woman who has FIVE kids by some dude who's not even in a relationship with her not to talk of marriage.

OP, I dont know why you kept asking your brother about her. He obviosuly got off on the the dumb lil fight going on between you two. wouldnt surprise me if he lied about alll that stuff just to make you feel bad.

anyway that's by the by. send your message. hopefully you'll feel better when you do.

 

[deltagyrl]

No one is saying that. This person's situation goes way beyond just being a regular single mom.

If I were a man I'd be very leery of a woman who has FIVE kids by some dude who's not even in a relationship with her not to talk of marriage.

OP, I dont know why you kept asking your brother about her. He obviosuly got off on the the dumb lil fight going on between you two. wouldnt surprise me if he lied about alll that stuff just to make you feel bad.

anyway that's by the by. send your message. hopefully you'll feel better when you do.

"What man wants a woman with 5 kids?" "DEFINITE exception(s)."

Something about those statements lead me to believe that there may be a belief (on the boards and irl) that most single moms should forget about having a man b/c, after all, they have child(ren) OOW.

All I'm saying is that it isn't true and in bothers me when women start believing that they are somehow less than because they are single moms. Lots of women with children meet men who want to marry them and take care of their kids.

I am not saying that you feel this way or that the OP feels this way but it is an attitude that I've noticed (on the boards and irl).

 

[Aniyasmommy]

And you really dont know why she wont speak to you? Even she was going to ever speak to you again, this shenanigin may have killed the chances.
She definitely knows about this. If she and your brother are as close as it seems, he definitely told her about this.
Anyway, the past is the past. I still think its a good idea to reach out to her to try to restore your relationship. I can't hurt.

Im wondering why your uncle called to tell you about the newborn. Maybe he wants you to reach out ot her too?

Is this the same Uncle that sent your brother the plane ticket?

No that was a diffrent uncle. That uncle was the uncle that lives near my cousin and they live in Boston. The uncle that called to tell me about her having another baby was the uncle that lives near me . I think it was more of a just heard the news so imma call and tell it type deal .

I dont know if my brother told her or not.When I told him about it he got very upset and told me he was going to tell her immediately. I told him she wont believe you and when he said yes she will believe me I just said I dont care if you tell her. I dont think he told her for the simple fact that he's a huge gossipmonger and he would've reported to me what she said . Im gonna call my brother and ask him if he told her about it.

 

[anon123]

I was so angry because I feel like she isnt justified . I went on her myspace page and read her blog. She said she loves her kids and her ex boyfriend and she wishes he would stay home instead of out with some white girl..I did a little investigating and found the white girl's myspace. I took her picture and mimicked her myspace page and I sent my cousin a message. It was very foul . I said I got your man keep popping those babies out because he's still with me and he loves me and you look like a dumbass pining for him all over your myspace like those kids gonna make him stay . She wrote back saying I could keep him she doesnt want him she's moving on . I wrote back yeah you moving on cause he's with me you bald headed ***** . All those years and you still cant grow your hair past your ear ?

Damn! erplexed Honestly, if I were her, of all the people to reach out to me, I'd want you to be the last. Just being honest. If you could do something that mean, maybe that's a general part of your personality that has been manifesting itself since you were a kid. Maybe you've always been mean and that's why she doesn't want to be close to you. Being truthful here . . .