I feel so bad for her

[Aniyasmommy]

"What man wants a woman with 5 kids?" "DEFINITE exception(s)."

Something about those statements lead me to believe that there may be a belief (on the boards and irl) that most single moms should forget about having a man b/c, after all, they have child(ren) OOW.

All I'm saying is that it isn't true and in bothers me when women start believing that they are somehow less than because they are single moms. Lots of women with children meet men who want to marry them and take care of their kids.

I am not saying that you feel this way or that the OP feels this way but it is an attitude that I've noticed (on the boards and irl).

I know ALOT of dudes that dont mind a woman with kids BUT they are not quality men. They just have no problem laying up with a woman with kids. Im a single mom and I have kids. I come across alot of dudes that constantly ask me out. I always decline because IMO they are not quality. Dont ask me for my number and call me at 10:30 am on a Monday afternoon...Im thinking why arent you at work? Oh you'll call me back in 30 minutes? Shouldnt you be at work in the morning? I see alot of dudes that prey on single women with kids. They think that if they be with us we will treat them like gold for the simple fact they dont mind if we have kids running around. Uh Uh playa you got to be bringing something to the table. I dont need another mouth to feed and just because your s.e.x game is alrite dont mean everything else is going to slide.

I see so many single moms with dudes that are bums and they have the nerve to be demanding bums

 

[deltagyrl]

I know ALOT of dudes that dont mind a woman with kids BUT they are not quality men. They just have no problem laying up with a woman with kids. Im a single mom and I have kids. I come across alot of dudes that constantly ask me out. I always decline because IMO they are not quality. Dont ask me for my number and call me at 10:30 am on a Monday afternoon...Im thinking why arent you at work? Oh you'll call me back in 30 minutes? Shouldnt you be at work in the morning? I see alot of dudes that prey on single women with kids. They think that if they be with us we will treat them like gold for the simple fact they dont mind if we have kids running around. Uh Uh playa you got to be bringing something to the table. I dont need another mouth to feed and just because your s.e.x game is alrite dont mean everything else is going to slide.

I see so many single moms with dudes that are bums and they have the nerve to be demanding bums

Not speaking of bums. Single women with NO kids get with bums too...

 

[Aniyasmommy]

Not speaking of bums. Single women with NO kids get with bums too...

No doubt about that lol but I just think that when a woman has kids she should be more picky about her mate . All of my friends just get with any ole dude that gives them attention erplexed

 

[Detroit2Dallas]

I know ALOT of dudes that dont mind a woman with kids BUT they are not quality men. They just have no problem laying up with a woman with kids. Im a single mom and I have kids. I come across alot of dudes that constantly ask me out. I always decline because IMO they are not quality. Dont ask me for my number and call me at 10:30 am on a Monday afternoon...Im thinking why arent you at work? Oh you'll call me back in 30 minutes? Shouldnt you be at work in the morning? I see alot of dudes that prey on single women with kids. They think that if they be with us we will treat them like gold for the simple fact they dont mind if we have kids running around. Uh Uh playa you got to be bringing something to the table. I dont need another mouth to feed and just because your s.e.x game is alrite dont mean everything else is going to slide.

I see so many single moms with dudes that are bums and they have the nerve to be demanding bums

Not trying to be funny, but your ANSWERING the phone which probably means YOU arent at work . Plus there are more shifts then the morning shift so...

 

[HeChangedMyName]

Well, I'm an advocate for family to act like family. I can't imagine not speaking to or acknowledging a family member. If you feel in your heart that it is time to break the silence and reconnect, then do it.

Don't judge her about her situation in particular, but just let her know that you want to get back to being cousins. Start from there. That's all you can really do.

 

[imaccami]

Maybe someone spread a rumor about you when you were 10, possibly even your brother. It just seems weird that your brother would get so much "joy" or care in a happy way that she won't talk to you.

Maybe when you were 10 someone lied to her and told her that you did something that you didn't do

 

[Renovating]

I know she does i'd still like to know why though. Im simply bothered by it all. I dont go on myspace or have a page . I havent even looked at a myspace page in like a year. I find it to be so juvenile now but back than I was the person with the page and a million friends . I just looked at my brother's page and she is his top friend and he is her top friend...I read the comments ...lots of loving family type comments .Im annoyed by it . Im not going to lie. She just logged on today. I dont know if I want to go through making a myspace page just to send her a message . I may ask my brother to send her a message for me later on tonight . If I dont do that than Ill make a page and contact her myself. Ill send something simple like "hey how are you I heard you had another baby congratulations i hope you and baby are ok . TTYL " She may or may not respond...Im leaning towards not but ill see.

Based on the last contact you had with her through myspace, I wouldn't use myspace to reconcile and I definitely wouldn't use the bolded phrase, as it could be perceived as sarcasm. If you sincerely want to get to the root of the issue, then call her and have a heart to heart.

 

[Aniyasmommy]

Not trying to be funny, but your ANSWERING the phone which probably means YOU arent at work . Plus there are more shifts then the morning shift so...

Im not asking for any guy to support me so my answering the phone is irrelevant. If you are a single guy with no kids there is no reason for you to be at home calling me 24/7. I live near this dude so I know he doesnt work a night shift because he called me at night as well .In fact after I told him I wasnt interested he played on my phone for a few days until he met the next girl. He called and hung up all times of the night .

 

[Aniyasmommy]

Maybe someone spread a rumor about you when you were 10, possibly even your brother. It just seems weird that your brother would get so much "joy" or care in a happy way that she won't talk to you.

Maybe when you were 10 someone lied to her and told her that you did something that you didn't do

I would'nt put it past him. We used to fight over her. I used to tell him she liked me the most and he would tell me that she liked him the most . It's just strange that she ignores me all these years and still contuinues to talk to him like they are bff's .

 

[SelahOco]

Thank you everyone for your advice . Im going to answer your questions. I dont really know what happened between us to cause this riff. One year we were absolutely fine and the next year she wanted absolutely nothing to do with me. She contuinued to be friends with my brother. It's not something I think about on a daily basis for the most part I dont think about her at all but when my uncle called and told me about it It just bought it all back up. I would honestly like to know why she dislikes me the way that she do. I dont think it's a jealously thing. Growing up she was always the star of attention . She's the lightest,slimmest ,prettiest girl in the family and she was also very smart and got the good grades. One year she came down for a visit and was totally uninterested in me. Throughout the years my brother mentioned her alot because they stayed friends and I would physically see her but she never even glanced at me . She totally ignored me and I was feeling like WTF did I ever do to you ?

I honestly want to know why she hates me.What did I do to her back than? I think back and I cant remember a single thing Ive ever done to her. She was always my favorite cousin and even though everyone treated her like gold I never had any jealously towards her whatsoever.

I kinda hate her now for the way she turned on me. I did something rather foul to her a couple years back . I spoke to my brother on the phone one day and he was bragging about her saying "haha ____ still doesnt talk to you..
She hates you for some reason" and I said "Did she say why she hates me I never did nothing to her???" and he said " I dunno she just do . She hates you"

I was so angry because I feel like she isnt justified . I went on her myspace page and read her blog. She said she loves her kids and her ex boyfriend and she wishes he would stay home instead of out with some white girl..I did a little investigating and found the white girl's myspace. I took her picture and mimicked her myspace page and I sent my cousin a message. It was very foul . I said I got your man keep popping those babies out because he's still with me and he loves me and you look like a dumbass pining for him all over your myspace like those kids gonna make him stay . She wrote back saying I could keep him she doesnt want him she's moving on . I wrote back yeah you moving on cause he's with me you bald headed ***** . All those years and you still cant grow your hair past your ear ?

At the time I thought it was funny and justified it by saying well she does'nt like me for no reason so Im gonna give her a reason to make her hate me. She never knew it was me that sent the message because i havent been in contact with her for years . I recently just spilled the beans to my brother about what I did and he went off on me . He said she called him crying and telling all her business. I was cold hearted at the time and I basically rolled my eyes .Why couldnt' she call me ? Why she speaks to everyone in my family BUT me ? What could I have possibly done at 10 years old to make her hate me like this ? Last year our uncle mailed my brother a plane ticket to go visit them and he didnt mail me one. My brother came back home bragging and saying how he loved her kids and how they had such a great time. I asked him if she said anything about me and he said " she dont think about you girl you aint nothing to her "


WTF??? Why doesnt this chick like me?What could I have possibly done at 10 years old to make this chick act like this towards me after all these years ? I cant think of anything. I know I did the myspace thing but other than that I havent done anything.

Do you and your brother get along? What you're describing is odd to me. If this hurts you, its seems only right that it would hurt your brother and he'd try to help you get to the bottom of what's happened.

The myspace thing was bogus, but I can understand your frame of mind and why you did it. That was very hurtful though.

Sounds to me like your cousin is in love with a man who won't commit to her and she probably doesn't feel like she can talk to or take counsel from anyone.

If she gets her mind right, someone will marry her. There are many men who love to feel needed and loved by a woman who wants him. Kids don't always stop that, especially if the man has kids of his own.

**Exception Alert** The 40 year old woman across the street has 5 kids and a 30 year old man married her and takes care of all her kids.

 

[SelahOco]

I know she does i'd still like to know why though. Im simply bothered by it all. I dont go on myspace or have a page . I havent even looked at a myspace page in like a year. I find it to be so juvenile now but back than I was the person with the page and a million friends . I just looked at my brother's page and she is his top friend and he is her top friend...I read the comments ...lots of loving family type comments .Im annoyed by it . Im not going to lie. She just logged on today. I dont know if I want to go through making a myspace page just to send her a message . I may ask my brother to send her a message for me later on tonight . If I dont do that than Ill make a page and contact her myself. Ill send something simple like "hey how are you I heard you had another baby congratulations i hope you and baby are ok . TTYL " She may or may not respond...Im leaning towards not but ill see.

Why don't you just ask her why she doesn't seem to like you. Just ask her.

 

[MissYocairis]

Damn! erplexed Honestly, if I were her, of all the people to reach out to me, I'd want you to be the last. Just being honest. If you could do something that mean, maybe that's a general part of your personality that has been manifesting itself since you were a kid. Maybe you've always been mean and that's why she doesn't want to be close to you. Being truthful here . . .

Agreed. That was pretty mean, OP. I understand you know it was mean and you aren't like that now but...wow. That was really nasty and something like that, I wouldn't forget...even though she doesn't know....she may have felt years and years earlier that you were feeling some kind of way about her. So she stopped dealing with you. If you decide to reach out, be sure to do it out of genuine love and concern and not with an expectation of how she should respond. Really, I think there is a real reason she stopped dealing with you and maybe you don't really recall the incident...that's unfortunate when family parts in such ways. Can you think back to something you may have said when you were younger that may have been offensive? (even though you may not have considered it offensive?)

 

[suburbanbushbabe]

There's a reason you want to reach out to her. It's the love in your heart that is stronger than any slight she may have offended you with in the past. You may not know why, but reach out anyway. If she had her baby alone, she needs more of a helping hand than a myspace hello. Just tell her you want to let the past be the past, mend fences and offer your help.

What I want to know is, where was your uncle when she was delivering?? That family sounds cold.

 

[goodmorningruby]

Those silly social networking sites really know how to bring out the child in grown folks, don't they? I also thought it was ironic that you took a cheap shot at her ear length hair and now you're here....but I digresss. That Myspace incident is not cool, and if your cousin was informed or deduced on her own that you were behind it, then I could understand why she is avoiding you. I'm glad you've acknowledged that was a bad move. Hopefully you've forgiven yourself for that.

My suggestion would be for you to reflect on your feelings towards her and if they are of the hostile variety, you might want to consider forgiving her for whatever wrongs you feel she has done to you. This way if and when you finally have a conversation with her your pride/ego won't be in the way of a potential reconciliation. Also, she will sense that you reaching out to her is sincere, and not a ploy to patronize her or cause more drama. And if you forgive her a weight should be lifted off your shoulders, because she won't possess that power of negativity in your life anymore.

Make a phone call to her. Communication through the internet is sometimes very impersonal and the both of you could easily get misimpressions. Let her know right off the bat that you aren't calling to further injure your relationship. Tell her exactly what you told us---that you were told she had a baby and make yourself available to her as a support system during this difficult time. Don't make her feel like she has to accept you reaching out to her, because it's likely she won't be ready for all that yet. And it takes two to tango, so I hope she can be an adult about the situation---don't go in having really high expectations. If she clearly and strongly expresses no interest in salvaging the relationship with you then maybe a bridge needs to be burned. You can only do so much.

 

[Bachelorette]

"What man wants a woman with 5 kids?" "DEFINITE exception(s)."

.

did you have a problem with women on here who said they wouldnt date a man with one kid not to talk of multiple kids?

 

[Bachelorette]

Maybe someone spread a rumor about you when you were 10, possibly even your brother. It just seems weird that your brother would get so much "joy" or care in a happy way that she won't talk to you.

agreed. Sorry OP, dont trust your brother at all

and frankly I think you need to stop asking your brother about her. He's getting off this riff. Stop talking to him about her and iof he mentions her, act like you dont care to know anything

if you really wanna know about her life, ask her yourself

 

[deltagyrl]

did you have a problem with women on here who said they wouldnt date a man with one kid not to talk of multiple kids?

Nope. Don't have a problem with men who don't wanna date women w/ kid(s), either. Free country.

I do take issue with the attitude that men or women with kids should probably resign themselves to being without a spouse because, geesh, what good man or woman would want them? I see that alot here and irl.

And again, I'm not saying that you or OP feel this way.

 

[ladysaraii]

Nope. Don't have a problem with men who don't wanna date women w/ kid(s), either. Free country.

I do take issue with the attitude that men or women with kids should probably resign themselves to being without a spouse because, geesh, what good man or woman would want them? I see that alot here and irl.

And again, I'm not saying that you or OP feel this way.

I dont think its about telling people with children they should 'curl up in a ball and die' but it's about being realistic.

How many people on here and irl say they refuse to date someone with kids? Does that mean they will never find a quality spouse, No. Does it mean they should stop looking, No. It just means that their chances might be a bit lower than someone with no kids or less kids. Same for people with certain education levels, jail records, or other things that we discuss here.

Example, I'm overweight. Does that mean I'll never find a spouse? No. But it means that it might lower the pool of interested people. It's just being realistic.

 

[ladysaraii]

OP- call/email her if you like. I'm of the frame, I would keep it moving. I have a cousin I used to be close to until she decided she thought I was stuck up and said something I didn't (I was talking to both her and my aunt at the same time so I think some conversations got confused). She's never said anything to me about it, I know b/c she mentioned it to my sister who didn't even believe that I'd said it. I've never said anything to her.

I guess my thing is if you can't approach me and tell me why you have an issue with me so we can resolve it, then oh well. I'm not crying about it. That might be petty, but I get tired of being the bigger person all the time.

 

[Lady Esquire]

This has been going on for so many years and it sounds like you're still not over it. It seems like even though you're cousins, the family interacted enough to make you two develop some sort of sibling rivalry (or something close). Clearly something happened, either in her head or something you are in denial about or just cannot remember.

Your hands are not clean here either, with some of your actions toward her. So with that being said, since you both acted foolishly, you're on an equal playing field. Use that and this new birth to make a genuine attempt at expressing your concern for her situation and your many years of rivalry. Its okay to squash beef. You may just develop a friendship. If not, at least you can have some closure and move on.

 

[deltagyrl]

I dont think its about telling people with children they should 'curl up in a ball and die' but it's about being realistic.

How many people on here and irl say they refuse to date someone with kids? Does that mean they will never find a quality spouse, No. Does it mean they should stop looking, No. It just means that their chances might be a bit lower than someone with no kids or less kids. Same for people with certain education levels, jail records, or other things that we discuss here.

Example, I'm overweight. Does that mean I'll never find a spouse? No. But it means that it might lower the pool of interested people. It's just being realistic.

I don't disagree with anything you've said here.