I am being seriously pursued. Now, what next?

[mango387]

Man likes me, treats me, etc. He will be moving several states away within the next six months. I don't want to move (Long story). Would you let an otherwise good man go for that? (He is looking for marriage, and he is really expressing interest. I'm the one dragging my feet a bit).

Background: The man will be working at an international level. His career will start a few states away, then progress to international (he hopes). I have moved around for so long that I'm happy to be at home. I am willing to move one to two states north, south, or over. What do you think?

 

[BeautifulFlower]

If you are feeling him that much and he's trying to wife it, I'd get that ring and follow him wherever he goes.

I am in a similar situation. My SO aint moving no time soon but he's already expressed that he'll be moving overseas and hinted that he anticipates his wife going with him. So if he wife, guess where I'll be....wherever he is.

If its true love, thats not easy to come by. So if I gotta pack up to be where my man is, I'm packing up.

But if you can't accept the vision he has for his life for yourself, then cut it now. You'll only grow further apart over time.

 

[mango387]

^^^I guess I would feel bad, because I know so many people who just want a decent man to express interest in them. To add more background, I am in my twenties, but my parents are much older. I am close to them now, but if I were away...So far, they are in good health though. Plus, I really like the South a lot.

I hate that things become more complicated the older that you get.

 

[qchelle]

Do you want to marry him?

 

[Lenee925]

How long have you known him?
Has he proposed?
How often would he be away on business, and does that concern you?

Piggybackign off qchelle...do you love him enough to marry him just because he's moving and you don't want to lose a good man?

 

[mango387]

Do you want to marry him?

I just met him a few months ago, so I don't know him enough to say "Yay" or "Nay." I have never met his family, because they are from another country. Family tells me a lot about a person. Also, this is the first person I have ever dated who was not Black American. He's Kenyan, so I am very nervous. He does want to get married, because he is in his early thirties. He wants to start a family. BTW, I've checked him out a bit, and he's not just trying to get quick papers.

I want to get married, but I feel like I need to do a little more maturing to actually get married AND stay married. That may not sound good, but I'm being honest.

 

[AstroQueen77]

ahh..let him go. It dosen't seem like he is the love of your life. Also, African men tend to have strict expectations about what they expect out of a wife...its more about what they want and what their traditions call for more than anything else. Of course, there are exceptions. You need to get to know him more and meeting his family is a must.

 

[mango387]

AstroQueen, I don't want be back in here five years later crying about being 31 and unmarried though...

 

[Honey Bee]

^^^ If this is your over-riding concern, I don't think you should go. Let him go head on and find somebody willing to travel, or have babies, or whatever it is he wants.

 

[AstroQueen77]

I hear you Mango. But please, don't marry out of lack or in fear that you won't find anyone later. That is one of the worst reasons to marry. It seems like he appears to be a good catch, but that you dont know him too well yet.

Get to know the man first. Maybe try doing the long distance thing for a bit.

 

[mango387]

^^^ If this is your over-riding concern, I don't think you should go. Let him go head on and find somebody willing to travel, or have babies, or whatever it is he wants.

Honey Bee, I appreciate your input. Would you (if you knew me IRL) look at me sideways for that, because I do know that I am not quite ready? I feel like I should be ready, because I am in my mid-twenties...The truth is the truth though. Maybe two years from now, I would be gung ho. Right now, IDK.

BTW, I know I might sound really immature right now, but I truly believe in the permanence of marriage. I don't take it lightly at all, BUT I also don't want to "out think" myself out of a possibly good relationship.

 

[Mai Tai]

AstroQueen, I don't want be back in here five years later crying about being 31 and unmarried though...

Ok so do you want to just get married...or get married TO HIM?

I ask because I don't think its good to marry a man just because he asked, and you fear the future as an unmarried woman. You want to marry the man that fits.

I also not understanding how any of this is even in question when he has yet to express his intent to marry YOU, or if he even wants you to move with him.

Mentioning the "M" word in the same sentence as you, and actually making a plan to make you his wife are two different things so...

 

[mango387]

Let's just put it this way. He stated that he wants me (mango and not just some woman one day) to become Kikuyu as well. He's said more than this, but you are right. He has not pulled out a ring, so maybe I'm getting ahead of myself.

 

[VelvetRain]

AstroQueen, I don't want be back in here five years later crying about being 31 and unmarried though...

Sweetheart you need to do what is right for you presently.. How are you truly feeling about this man? Are you really ready for the commitment of marriage and all that entails if he was to ask you in the very near future? It really sounds like you are not ready from what you have posted so far.It's perfectly fine you are at a different place in your life from where he appears to be now.I remember seriously dating a guy when I turned 30 who was really for marriage. I wasn't ready for that type of relationship at the time. Marriage was the furthest thing from my mind at that point because of the lack of maturity I had and generally not wanting that type of commitment.

Besides you're still young. You have a lot of time to grow spiritually and emotionally to really understand what it is you desire in a partner and want you can offer as well. Settling now out of fear is really not the best option.

 

[Mai Tai]

Let's just put it this way. He stated that he wants me (mango and not just some woman one day) to become Kikuyu as well. He's said more than this, but you are right. He has not pulled out a ring, so maybe I'm getting ahead of myself.

Exactly...

Spend time getting to know him, dating him, having fun with him, etc. Believe me...if he is serious about marrying you, he will propose WELL before he moves.

I also need you to truly decide if you are ready to be married. Do not wait until he presents a ring to figure this out. Make sure you are open and honest with him and if you conclude that you are not ready, please don't stick around, lead him on, or accept an engagement ring.

 

[Honey Bee]

Honey Bee, I appreciate your input. Would you (if you knew me IRL) look at me sideways for that, because I do know that I am not quite ready? I feel like I should be ready, because I am in my mid-twenties...The truth is the truth though. Maybe two years from now, I would be gung ho. Right now, IDK.

BTW, I know I might sound really immature right now, but I truly believe in the permanence of marriage. I don't take it lightly at all, BUT I also don't want to "out think" myself out of a possibly good relationship.

I would not look at you sideways in real life. I'm real big on people just keeping it really real with themselves, and you don't sound ready. There's nothing wrong with that. Heck, I've been with my SO 10 years, and I just got ready, lol. (I'm 29, btw) I wouldn't recommend my path for most, but you sound like I sounded a few years ago. The circumstances are probably different (I was dealing with a new disability), but, at the time, I had the guy I wanted and he was doing okay financially, I just didn't think I was prepared to leave my mother's house yet, if that makes sense. I also believe in the permanence of marriage and I think I really coulda messed something up in an effort to live up to what other people thought I should have been doing at the time.

It's your life, and you have to be able to live with the choices you make, whatever they are. If you're feeling unsure about this guy, marriage-wise, I'd keep it long distance until I felt that burning desire to be with him. That's the sign you should be looking for. If it ain't there, it ain't there. :gallicshrug:

 

[VelvetRain]

Exactly...

Spend time getting to know him, dating him, having fun with him, etc. Believe me...if he is serious about marrying you, he will propose WELL before he moves.

I also need you to truly decide if you are ready to be married. Do not wait until he presents a ring to figure this out. Make sure you are open and honest with him and if you conclude that you are not ready, please don't stick around, lead him on, or accept an engagement ring.

As always Mai Tai your the voice of reason. Off topic but I love your blog!

 

[mango387]

Thanks ladies. I have been open with him about my feelings, and he says that he understands. He also stated that I have some really good characteristics/qualities, so he's willing to stick around basically. I know that eventually he or I will HAVE TO decide, but at least he does know my thoughts.

 

[Honey Bee]

Thanks ladies. I have been open with him about my feelings, and he says that he understands. He also stated that I have some really good characteristics/qualities, so he's willing to stick around basically. I know that eventually he or I will HAVE TO decide, but at least he does know my thoughts.

@ 1st bolded, the decent ones usually are, that speaks to his character. +1

@ 2nd bolded, ita, but now's the tricky part. Notice if he starts being 'extra' (gifts, dates, whatev), cuz that's just trynna change your mind. Don't fall for the okie-doke. If he's just normal, that's good, cuz it implies he's just being himself, giving you a chance to see the 'real him' and all that, not playing games.

Keep us posted.

 

[Theo]

I wouldn't move for a man that I'm not engaged to.

 

[Katherina]

I agree with Honey Bee's posts.

A personal story:
A former mentor of mine scared me into getting back together with a man by saying that I wouldn't find anyone else to marry me. It resulted in misery and heartache. And once the heartache subsided, I did find someone else.

Please don't get married out of the fear that you won't find anyone else. Doing things out of fear isn't very useful in the long run. Plus, it's also probably not useful to believe that you're immature for not being ready for marriage right now. Everyone's different. One step at a time. Don't rush yourself into regret. Be in tune with your intuition.

 

[Honey Bee]

I agree with Honey Bee's posts.

A personal story:
A former mentor of mine scared me into getting back together with a man by saying that I wouldn't find anyone else to marry me. It resulted in misery and heartache. And once the heartache subsided, I did find someone else.

Please don't get married out of the fear that you won't find anyone else. Doing things out of fear isn't very useful in the long run. Plus, it's also probably not useful to believe that you're immature for not being ready for marriage right now. Everyone's different. One step at a time. Don't rush yourself into regret. Be in tune with your intuition.

"Fear is the mind-killer."

 

[RegaLady]

I had a couple men who wanted to marry me before I met DH, and I wasnt't ready for them. So don't worry, you will find someone in which you will know is the man for you.

 

[anon123]

Let's just put it this way. He stated that he wants me (mango and not just some woman one day) to become Kikuyu as well. He's said more than this, but you are right. He has not pulled out a ring, so maybe I'm getting ahead of myself.

Oh, is he a native Kikuyu speaker? I'm a linguist looking for one of those.

On the topic, I don't think you should move. He hasn't even proposed. You're still young and can find the one you really want to marry. You barely know him and don't know if you really want him. You sound ambivalent, and you said yourself that you weren't ready. I wouldn't advise uprooting your life for such a situation.

 

[ThickHair]

I wouldn't move for a man that I'm not engaged to.

I am not moving until vows are exchanged. I have read about some long engagements that didn't end in marriage.

 

[mango387]

I have had spotty internet access recently. I am not moving anywhere without the title Mrs. before my name. I just know that he wants this relationship to progess quickly. That's why I posted this thread.

Anyway, Mwedzi, he is Kikuyu.

You want me to hook you up with him, girl? I mean for research purposes you know . Hmmm. Seriously, though "pm" me if you need access to more Kikyu speakers living in the US.

There is enough love in the world for everyone.

ETA: Mango is playing matchmaker again!!!