How important is a man's career? Am I being superficial?

[MD_Lady]

He mentioned the radiology tech program when we first got together (6 months ago) and still nothing has happened. This makes me feel like he's just talking. Now, he's talking about going back to bartending so he'll have more time to go to school. I'm taking it with a grain of salt since I haven't seen movement yet...

I was going to ask a question, but the quote above told me everything I needed to know. You all really do want different things and I'm glad you realized this before it was too late.

 

[CandiceC]

I agree with the other advice here.


How are you going to handle the car issue when you break up with him? Is he almost done paying for it?

 

[VelvetRain]

is he showing initiative or is he just talking about what he would like to do? is it just his title or are you really concerned about the amount of money he will be able to contribute? those would be my questions. if he is making an honest effort in his life and will we be okay with what he brings in coupled with what i bring in. im at a point in my life where how a man treats me is more important than other factors. ive been with wealthy emotionally detatched arseholes who treated me like crap/property. though they were "balling" i was miserable.

This right here is a great response. Stop being so darn focused on what a man does for a living. Just because he is where he is at now doesn't mean things won't change in the future. It's important to know that a man has some ambition in life and has solid goals and a plan to get to them. Most black women refuse to see a mans potential and for this very reason let alot of good ones slip away and then wonder why they are still single later in life wondering why marriage has eluded them.

To the best possible man your degrees won't even matter. Having a degrees doesn't make you all that special. What matters is do you have the potential to be a great wife, nuturing spirit to a family/ children, and supportive to your potential mate while having a great relationship with God.

 

[firecracker]

OP I think you know what you need to do but after you do something about that car he is buying from you. You live and you learn. Good luck.

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

Oh and yes, I'm being honest I would feel embarrased introducing him to my family/friends/colleagues....all of whom have good jobs. It's just not a good match for me.

I feel the same way.

But to speak to the OP's situation, I'm driven, ambitious and very goal oriented. I'm working on my JD after finishing my Masters and I'm making moves to work in the field I want after I graduate. My eventual goal is to open a research firm. I'm not even attracted to men without goals or not working toward them. I like men who are doers. I've met a lot of guys who say they're planning to go to law school or business school or some kind of school, yet are doing nothing to make it happen or are half-a$$ing it.

I'm passionate about what I love to do and want a man who is the same.

 

[Fine 4s]

I'd say I'm accomplished (hmmm...) with much more in store in the future and I've been where you are. I've dated about two losers who are...wait for it...still losers.
So, based on my experience, I wouldn't stay.

My last and current relationships were/are with men who although did not complete their college degrees were/are very goal oriented and have steady careers. My current's been in the field for 17 years with an expected retirement in the next 5-7 years.
From the profile you painted, it doesn't seem like he's ready to be serious...about anything right now and that's HIS life, he can do that. Honestly a bit jelly that he's been able to life the life he has. In the meanwhile, you keep climbing that ladder guuuuuuuuuurl

 

[1QTPie]

Follow your instincts. If you don't want a man with a blue collar job, then don't settle. If finances are more important than love, WAIT. You will find the right one. And you work in a position that should allow you to network with like-minded individuals, so network, find someone your speed.

Don't feel bad about your choices. You can be friendly with him, go out occasionally, but keep looking for what you want.

 

[TruthInLove]

This right here is a great response. Stop being so darn focused on what a man does for a living. Just because he is where he is at now doesn't mean things won't change in the future. It's important to know that a man has some ambition in life and has solid goals and a plan to get to them. Most black women refuse to see a mans potential and for this very reason let alot of good ones slip away and then wonder why they are still single later in life wondering why marriage has eluded them.

To the best possible man your degrees won't even matter. Having a degrees doesn't make you all that special. What matters is do you have the potential to be a great wife, nuturing spirit to a family/ children, and supportive to your potential mate while having a great relationship with God.

Thank you for this post! It was exactly what I was thinking, but you said it so much better.

 

[nappystorm]

I don't look at career, per se, but more at work ethic and providership. Will you work? Will you provide? I need him to understand that even if I make more, it's still primarily his job to work and care for the family. Not only that, but I can't get with a man that is comfortable accepting money and gifts from a woman (unless it's his bday or something). I will take a hard working provider making 40k before I will a stingy dude making 100k. My dad taught me that able bodied men aways worked so I can't get with Mr Finding Myself. I also know men with great careers, making great money that wouldn't buy a beech a fish sammich. Can't get with that either. Having said all that, I say the dude in the OP is a fail.

 

[nappystorm]

This right here is a great response. Stop being so darn focused on what a man does for a living. Just because he is where he is at now doesn't mean things won't change in the future. It's important to know that a man has some ambition in life and has solid goals and a plan to get to them. Most black women refuse to see a mans potential and for this very reason let alot of good ones slip away and then wonder why they are still single later in life wondering why marriage has eluded them.

To the best possible man your degrees won't even matter. Having a degrees doesn't make you all that special. What matters is do you have the potential to be a great wife, nuturing spirit to a family/ children, and supportive to your potential mate while having a great relationship with God.

You know what, a year ago, I would have given you a sideeye. Lol. Sometimes we get so caught up in dollars and degrees, we miss the humanistic aspect of it all. I know I have. Working in the ER made me reevaluate my priorities. We have well off people that will drop their loved ones off and get the hell on until it's time to pick them up. Sometimes they won't even do that! We also have men I wouldn't have even considered dating (salesmen, factory workers, waiters) that will come up stay with their loved ones until the wee hours of the morning. In a perfect world, I will find both but if I had to choose, it would be the factory worker sleeping on the foot of my hospital bed.

 

[NijaG]

This right here is a great response. Stop being so darn focused on what a man does for a living. Just because he is where he is at now doesn't mean things won't change in the future. It's important to know that a man has some ambition in life and has solid goals and a plan to get to them. Most black women refuse to see a mans potential and for this very reason let alot of good ones slip away and then wonder why they are still single later in life wondering why marriage has eluded them.

To the best possible man your degrees won't even matter. Having a degrees doesn't make you all that special. What matters is do you have the potential to be a great wife, nuturing spirit to a family/ children, and supportive to your potential mate while having a great relationship with God.

1st Bolded: Sorry, but I think this is the most stupid, harmful, nonsensical and detrimental advice ever to be given to the African American women collective in general.

2nd Bolded: Too many black women are getting involved with men based on this so-called potential that never gets ACTUALIZED. They then find themselves saddled with passive-aggressive man-child who keep acting up because they know deep down they are not on the level of their female partners.

Also, even if the man does Actualize this Potential, general life observation and for many women experience has shown that it does not benefit majority of women to help a man in any major way when it comes to his life goals.

GOD gave Adam a career path and made sure he was good at it before creating Eve for him.

3rd Bolded: Hmmmmm..... maybe it's me, but I'm getting some neg vibes from that sentence towards educated black (AA) women. I guess educated AA men are more special than their female counterparts, because I sure do see a lot of fuss being made about them in their community.

 

[firecracker]

This right here is a great response. Stop being so darn focused on what a man does for a living. Just because he is where he is at now doesn't mean things won't change in the future. It's important to know that a man has some ambition in life and has solid goals and a plan to get to them. Most black women refuse to see a mans potential and for this very reason let alot of good ones slip away and then wonder why they are still single later in life wondering why marriage has eluded them.

To the best possible man your degrees won't even matter. Having a degrees doesn't make you all that special. What matters is do you have the potential to be a great wife, nuturing spirit to a family/ children, and supportive to your potential mate while having a great relationship with God.

Thank you for this post! It was exactly what I was thinking, but you said it so much better.

I can understand to a degree what you are saying VelvetRain but in this situation it really doesn't apply. She should not waste time on him because he has already shown her who he is. Everyone has a preference weather it be white collar, blue collar, tall, short, no children, etc. Everyone may not be at the same place but its up to each of us to show and prove. We all know the saying "actions speaks louder than words". Some women don't mind fixer upper and may have the patience for that but if a male or female knows that isn't their personality its best to move on. Being single or never married isn't a death sentence but I know what you are saying. I think its a individual thing. As long as the person with potential isn't a leech off the other person it may not be a problem. Black women shouldn't lower their standards or dumb down just to have a man but they should look at inner qualities and work from there. I think the 5 Languages Of Love can help determine what is most important to each individual.

 

[VelvetRain]

As you can see firecracker my views don't represent the norm especially on longhaircareforum. I look at relationships in an entirely different way. Besides it's my opinion. I don't need you or anyone else here to agree with them. Have a wonderful day

 

[MzLady78]

I know someone who is currently in school for the first time at 36, despite working 2:00-midnight, trying to keep up with 4 kids and all THEIR school stuff and outside activities and barely having any time for himself. One day he told me he was thinking about enrolling, the next time we discussed it, he had registered for classes.

If he hasn't made moves in 6 months, he probably won't.

 

[nappystorm]

I can understand to a degree what you are saying VelvetRain but in this situation it really doesn't apply. She should not waste time on him because he has already shown her who he is. Everyone has a preference weather it be white collar, blue collar, tall, short, no children, etc. Everyone may not be at the same place but its up to each of us to show and prove. We all know the saying "actions speaks louder than words". Some women don't mind fixer upper and may have the patience for that but if a male or female knows that isn't their personality its best to move on. Being single or never married isn't a death sentence but I know what you are saying. I think its a individual thing. As long as the person with potential isn't a leech off the other person it may not be a problem. Black women shouldn't lower their standards or dumb down just to have a man but they should look at inner qualities and work from there. I think the 5 Languages Of Love can help determine what is most important to each individual.

I agree. The dude in the OP seems more like a Frankie (in Disappearing Acts) rather than a Martin (Martin Lawrence Show). Both men were less educated, worldly, and sophicated than their women but they were two entirely different kinds of brothas. A Martin? I can get with all day, everyday. A Frankie? No maam.

 

[MzLady78]

I agree. The dude in the OP seems more like a Frankie (in Disappearing Acts) rather than a Martin (Martin Lawrence Show). Both men were less educated, worldly, and sophicated than their women but they were two entirely different kinds of brothas. A Martin? I can get with all day, everyday. A Frankie? No maam.

Good analogy. My ex-bf was a Franklin.

 

[MrsMe]

I can understand to a degree what you are saying VelvetRain but in this situation it really doesn't apply. She should not waste time on him because he has already shown her who he is. Everyone has a preference weather it be white collar, blue collar, tall, short, no children, etc. Everyone may not be at the same place but its up to each of us to show and prove. We all know the saying "actions speaks louder than words". Some women don't mind fixer upper and may have the patience for that but if a male or female knows that isn't their personality its best to move on. Being single or never married isn't a death sentence but I know what you are saying. I think its a individual thing. As long as the person with potential isn't a leech off the other person it may not be a problem. Black women shouldn't lower their standards or dumb down just to have a man but they should look at inner qualities and work from there. I think the 5 Languages Of Love can help determine what is most important to each individual.

I love that response. I can see and understand both sides of the fence, but in the end, it's a personal choice that women have to live with.
I have the 5 L of L and it was an eye opener for me.

Sent from my iPad using LHCF...if only it would stop correcting what I write.

 

[nappystorm]

Good analogy. My ex-bf was a Franklin.

Mine too child. And he had the nerve to be offended everytime I watched D.A. Unfortunately, though, I dogged alot of Martins because I couldn't tell the difference.

 

[FelaShrine]

Only in the West is such "superficial"

 

[misskris816]

I haven't responded to all the posts, but I am reading them all. I appreciate your experiences, thoughts, etc..

His mom actually works at the same company with me. We are meeting for coffee at 1 and will probably get on this topic at some point. (she's neutral when it comes to discuss potential downfalls.)

I do know what I need to do...

 

[loved]

29 is too old for him to be at this stage in his life. The economy is not great and some people who have worked hard are stumbling now, but his record doesn't speak well for his potential as a suitable mate.

The funny thing is that down the road a man like this will resent you for being more successful and end up cheating on you with Corner Store Sue to boost his ego.

 

[hopeful]

To be honest with you, the last 2 successful men I dated were not very attentive...borderline a-holes. Even though he didn't have the education/career requirements, I felt that I should at least try something new. I thought his patience and being attentive would be enough.
Unfortunately, it's not.

But you threw the baby out with the bath water. The last two guys you dated were not attentive, so decide to not date inattentive men. You decided to not date an inattentive or successful man. I guess in your mind you felt they were not attentive because they were so successful? Perhaps you could date someone a little less successful, but your decision was so extreme, a bartender with no degree or car? Why not instead of a partner in a law firm, just a lawyer, or instead of a CEO, VP or senior-level manager? But the main lesson from here on is early on to look out for inattentiveness and lack of ambition. I don't think you will ever be satisfied with this guy.

 

[Bublin]

I am 36 years old.
Noway, hosay am I dating someone for his potential. I already have and so should he.

I can't stand to hear some 40 year old man with a receding hairline and grey hairs sprouting, telling be 'bout 'his ambitions and business ideas'. Get outta here.

 

[Browniee]

If there's anything working at a fast food job taught me it was defienetly this: just because someone has a basic job, or I guess doesn't have a career, it doesn't mean they aren't happy or a good support system. Some of my coworkers were 30,40 plus and you know why they worked with me? Because they wanted to be there, they were content with there jobs, and happy with themselves. Now I'm not saying that simply being with a man who is happy withhimself is enoguh, but its possible he is trying his best, and is okay with where he is at this point in his life. I noticed you said he wanted to go to school to be a radiologist, so why not support him? I get that you did it yourself, you know, took care of you, and actually I'm quite proud of you, but not everyone has the strength to get up and do these things themselves. If anthing, it seems like you've got a catch, I mean the man has a job, cares for his mother, and is willing to go back to school. If you want a man who's already made that's fine, but if your willing to help build him, then stay. Do whatever you think is best. Best of luck.

 

[UmSumayyah]

He shouldn't talk about radiology if he doesn't want to do it. Does he need her to research schools, fill out the application for him and buy him a laptop with a padded backpack and sharpen his pencils for him too?

There is nothing wrong with him selling cars or bartending or any other honest work. Nothing wrong with being happy with it, either. It doesn't mean she has to be happy with it.

 

[NijaG]

He shouldn't talk about radiology if he doesn't want to do it. Does he need her to research schools, fill out the application for him and buy him a laptop with a padded backpack and sharpen his pencils for him too?

There is nothing wrong with him selling cars or bartending or any other honest work. Nothing wrong with being happy with it, either. It doesn't mean she has to be happy with it.

Co-sign

The OP has to take a deep and honest look (which is what she's doing) at what she wants in her life. 8 out of 10, situations like her own don't work out very well.

Too many women waste a lot of years and situations in cases like this and end up on the negative side of things. When a couple with this type of unequal match don't have children, things generally seem okay. However, once a kid comes into the picture, believe me it's a whole other game.

 

[Renewed1]

NijaG I agree with your whole post.

Especially the Adam and the career path.

1st Bolded: Sorry, but I think this is the most stupid, harmful, nonsensical and detrimental advice ever to be given to the African American women collective in general.

2nd Bolded: Too many black women are getting involved with men based on this so-called potential that never gets ACTUALIZED. They then find themselves saddled with passive-aggressive man-child who keep acting up because they know deep down they are not on the level of their female partners.

Also, even if the man does Actualize this Potential, general life observation and for many women experience has shown that it does not benefit majority of women to help a man in any major way when it comes to his life goals.

GOD gave Adam a career path and made sure he was good at it before creating Eve for him.

3rd Bolded: Hmmmmm..... maybe it's me, but I'm getting some neg vibes from that sentence towards educated black (AA) women. I guess educated AA men are more special than their female counterparts, because I sure do see a lot of fuss being made about them in their community.

 

[Curlykale]

I don't know about who should do what and when, but...A man in my opinion CAN have made mistakes. The ability to solve problems and work hard does count more than how much money you have at the moment in my humble opinion. Little or big facts show it (not words, because some people do not give the same value you give to words).
A woman often has the elements to judge the maturity or will power of a man but sometimes idealization OR bank accounts get in the way, and both things are misleading if you want to know who a person is.
If you look at the facts and completely ignore words and numbers, it is more difficult to see a potential that isn't there.

When I was younger I used to think words had the same meaning for everyone. Now I only take them seriously when I know the person very well and I know how he/she/values them. As for numbers, they are an even more excellent way a man can have to convince a woman that he is the one when he isn't the one at all.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

I swear ya'll are posting movie scripts and not real life. Wasn't this the theme of the Tom Cruise movie, "Cocktail"?

I think you have your answer. He is not the type of man you want, albeit a nice, attentive man for someone else. His ambition is just not in line with yours and that's okay. However, you should know this from working around successful corporate type men, they can be jerks and think the measure of a man is the amount of money he makes. A successful, corporate type does not always make for the most attentive husband. They tend to focus on career then family.

There can be a balance but most of the super ambitious men that I know, and the ones it seems you prefer, are about career 95% and family 5%. I am talking investment bankers, doctors and law firm partners.

Yes, you can have it all. Love and emotional support are nice but that does not pay bills.

I have found that small business owners have a better balance with work/family. I am not sure why that is the case but it's something I've noticed. Maybe because they spend so much time with their family to get their small business off the ground?

 

[Mortons]

I wouldnt mind a person who is getting themselves together, but a bartender who got fired for doing birthday shots with his mother? Ummm no.
There is a certain kind of work ethic I am looking for. If they are bartending, in school for a degree, actively working to do better and reach their maximum potential I would be ok with that. I am willing to actively grow with my partner. However, someone who is all talk and no true game is an immediate no. Whether I was working fast food or building the business I am trying to build today, I was doing the best I could at it, and my hard work and determination was always noted and appreciated. Dont settle for someone who doesnt have what you know you need.