I am a very Lonely person

MDreamz

MDreamz

New Member
I hate to admit it but I am a very lonely person and it scares me to death. I am 32 with absolutely no friends. I have no one I can confide in or talk to when I am feeling down. I have no social life what so ever and have panic attacks when I attempt to be social. I am usually talked about instead of talked to. I feel like a social freak. I work with young children and that seems to be the only social skills I have. But in a group of grown folk I was end up invisible. What can I do? Am I crazy? Any advice welcomed. I really want to fix this.
 
I found this article written by someone else. I forwarded this article to a friend of mine over 44 years of age who recently wanted to know why she did not have a lot of female friends. It was a question I did not want to answer.:sad: I told her the truth. She cried. She stated wanted to change. I hope this helps:grin:


  1. Be yourself, or be true to yourself. A true friend will like you for who you are, not who you pretend to be.
  2. Being Yourself is Not the Solution. It's the Problem. Learn to Change.
    www.ThePopularClub.com
  3. Spend more time around people. If you want to make friends, you first need to put yourself out there somehow in order to meet people. Friends seldom come knocking on your door while you sit at home playing computer games.

  4. Join an organization with people who have common interests. You don't necessarily have to have a lot of common interests with people in order to make friends with them. In fact, some of the most rewarding friendships are between two people who don't have much in common at all, but if you like a specific topic, try searching for just a location. It's a great way to meet new local people! Social networking sites such as Face Book, twitter and My Space are great way to meet new people and learn more about the people you meet.

  5. Join a sports team. A common misconception about this is that you have to be really good at playing a particular sport in order to make friends with others on the team, but not all teams are so competitive. As long as you enjoy the sport and support your teammates, joining a local team with a laid-back attitude could be a great way to make new friends.

  6. Volunteer. Volunteering is a great way for people of all ages to meet others. By working together you build bonds with people, and you might meet others who have a passion for changing things the way you do—a common cause.

  7. Talk to people. You can join a club, go to school, or go to church but you still won't make friends if you don't actually talk to people. By the same token, you don't have to be involved with an organization to be social, and any time you talk to someone, you have a chance at making a lasting friend. You can talk to anybody: the clerk at the video store, the person sitting next to you on the bus, or the person in front of you on the lunch line. Don't be too picky. Most conversations will be a dead-end of sorts--when you may never talk to that person again, or you just remain acquaintances--but once in a while you'll actually make a friend.
  8. Make eye contact and smile. If you have an unfriendly countenance, people are less likely to be receptive to your friendship. Be approachable by not squinting (get some glasses), looking bored, frowning or appearing blankly deadpan, folding your arms or hanging out in a corner; such habits may make you look troubled or disinterested.
  9. Start a conversation. There are many ways to do this; a comment about your immediate environment (The weather is a classic: "At least it's not raining like last week!"), a request for help ("Can you help me carry a few boxes, if you have a minute?" or "Can you help me decide which one of these is a better gift for my mom?") or a compliment ("That's a nice car." or "I love your shoes."). Follow up immediately with a related question: Do you like this warm weather? What kinds of gifts do you normally buy for your mom? Where did you get shoes like that?
  10. Make small talk. Keep the conversation light and cheery. Even if you're complaining about something, make sure it's something you're both dissatisfied with, and emphasize the positive—how such a situation can be avoided in the future, or alternatives. Bounce a few words back and forth for a little bit. Many conversationalists say that it is good to follow a 30/70 (30% talking, 70% listening) pattern during small talk when possible.

  11. Introduce yourself at the end of the conversation. It can be as simple as saying "Oh, by the way, my name is...". Once you introduce yourself, the other person will typically do the same. Remember his or her name! If you show that you remembered things from your past conversation(s) with the person, not only will you look intelligent but he or she will see that you were paying attention and are willing to be a true friend.
  12. Initiate a get-together. You can chat your heart out but it won't get you a friend if you don't open up the opportunity for another conversation or meeting. This is especially important if you meet someone who you aren't otherwise likely to meet again. Seize the day!
  13. If you've discovered that the person you're talking to has a common interest, ask him or her more about it and, if appropriate, whether they get together with others (in a club, for example) to pursue this interest. If so, this is a perfect opportunity to ask about joining them. If you clearly express interest (when? where? can anyone come?) they'll probably invite you. If you have a club, band, church, etc. that you think they might enjoy, take the opportunity to give them your number or email address and invite them to join you.

  14. Ask them out for lunch or coffee. That will give you a better opportunity to talk and get to know each other a little bit better. A good way to extend yourself is to say: "Hey, well, I've got to go, but if you ever want to talk over lunch or coffee or anything like that, let me give you my number/e-mail address." This gives the person the opportunity to contact you; they may or may not give you their information in return, but that's fine. Maybe they don't have time for new friends—don't take it personally! Just offer your contact info to whoever seems to be potentially a good friend, and eventually somebody will get in touch.
 
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  1. [FONT=&quot]Be a good friend. Once you've started spending time with potential friends, remember to do your part (e.g. initiating some of the activities, remembering birthdays, asking how the other person is feeling) or else the friendship will become unbalanced and an uneasiness or distance is likely to arise.[/FONT]
  2. [FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Be reliable[/FONT][FONT=&quot]. If you and your friend agree to meet somewhere, don't be late, and do not stand them up. If you're not going to make it on time or make it at all, call them as soon as you realize it. Apologize and ask to reschedule. Don't make them wait for you unexpectedly; it's rude, and it is certainly not a good way to launch a potential friendship. When you say you'll do something, do it. Be someone that people know that they can count on.[/FONT]

  1. [FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Be a good listener. Many people think that in order to be seen as "friend material" they have to appear very interesting. Far more important than this, however, is the ability to show that you're interested in others. Listen carefully to what people say, remember important details about them (their names, their likes and dislikes), ask questions about their interests, and just take the time to learn more about them. You don't want to be the guy or girl that always has a better story than anyone else or that changes the subject abruptly instead of continuing the flow of conversation. These people appear too wrapped up in themselves to be good friends--"one-ups-man-ship" is a put down.[/FONT]

  1. [FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Be trustworthy[/FONT][FONT=&quot]. One of the best things about having a friend is that you have someone to whom you can talk about anything, even secrets that you hide from the rest of the world. The key to being a good confidante is the ability to keep secrets, so it's no secret that you shouldn't tell other people things that were told to you in confidence. Before people even feel comfortable opening up to you, however, you need to build trust. Be honest about yourself and your beliefs, and don't gossip about others or spread rumors or they will think you like stories better than friends.[/FONT]

  1. [FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Be there for the person[/FONT][FONT=&quot]. You've probably heard of fair-weather friends. They're the ones who are happy to be around you when things are going well, but are nowhere to be found when you really need them. Part of being a friend is being prepared to make sacrifices of your time and energy in order to help out your friends. If a friend needs help with an unpleasant chore, or if he or she just needs a shoulder to cry on, be there.[/FONT]

  1. [FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Choose your friends wisely[/FONT][FONT=&quot]. As you befriend more people, you may find that some are easier to get along with than others. While you always give people the benefit of the doubt, sometimes you realize that certain friendships are unhealthy, such as if a person is obsessively needy or controlling towards you, constantly critical, or introducing dangers or threats into your life. If this is the case, ease your way out of the friendship as gracefully as possible. Preoccupy yourself with other things, such as a new volunteer opportunity, so that you can honestly say that you don't have enough time in your schedule to spend time with them (but don't substitute their time for time with other friends; they may notice and become jealous, and more drama will ensue). Cherish those friends you make who are a positive influence in your life, and do your best to be a positive influence in theirs.[/FONT]

  1. [FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Friends of a Friend"If you have a friend who knows some good people that you aren't acquainted with, ask them to invite those people to hang out with the two of you[/FONT][FONT=&quot]. It is a great way to make some friends who have common interests[/FONT]
 
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I know how you feel. I think it may be a confidence problem. You need to gain more confidence. Once you do that people will seek to be your friend.

I speak from experience.
 
Thanks ladies. I just feel like a misfit. Not just women, men also. When I walk in the room, it's like the plague has entered. The only time people talk to me is when the want something. When they get what they want then poof...gone. SMH
 
^^^ It may be a combination of things, both lack of confidence and maybe a genuine issue since you experience panic attacks when you try to be sociable. Please consider seeing a therapist. Things like this have a way of feeding on themselves: the more isolated you feel the more isolated you become. Working with a therapist may help you break out of that cycle.
 
Are they definitely talking about you or do you think and feel they area talking about you? I know social anxiety can make you overanalyse stuff and be a bit paranoid about something like that. In any case, I agree with the seeking help. Sometimes talking to someone about it makes you realise that things may not always be the way they seem.

MDreamz said:
Thanks ladies. I just feel like a misfit. Not just women, men also. When I walk in the room, it's like the plague has entered. The only time people talk to me is when the want something. When they get what they want then poof...gone. SMH
Click to expand...
 
The ladies gave you sound advice. I am so sorry you feel so alone and like you don't fit. I think joining a organization, club or sports league could help you make friends easily as you would share some of the same interest. Have you thought about joining a Book Club, going on a group excursion, volunteering for different organizations or events that you maybe interested in? You have to put yourself out there. It will be much easier if you seek out things of interest so you'll meet like minded people. Best of luck to you. Get proactive and remember you won't find friends inside the house. You have to get out. Your in NYC that isn't a hard thing to do. You guys have alot of options. Have you ever tried attending one of the LHCF meet up? They are usually great fun and you can connect with like minded women. You know we love talking bout all things hair, men, education and life in a bubble. LOL
 
I see you live in Brooklyn. Are you originally from there? Do you have family? I have a friend in Rockland County and she is looking for friends too.
 
I'm kinda like you in a way except once someone finally approaches me and we start talking, others will notice and want to come over and start talking to me too which in turn, causes me to shut down because 1) I don't like being surrounded by lots of people and 2) I like to get to know someone one-on-one first.

I wish I could be more social but I've come to accept that it's just not me.
 
MDreamz said:
Thanks ladies. I just feel like a misfit. Not just women, men also. When I walk in the room, it's like the plague has entered. The only time people talk to me is when the want something. When they get what they want then poof...gone. SMH
Click to expand...
Yeah same here, when they need their psychologist, then they use me. After that, poof. I thought I was the only like this.
 
blackmaven said:

  1. www.ThePopularClub.com
Click to expand...


  1. ^^^this author's link seems highly manipulative. he's teaching people how to exploit people to enhance their own social life..interesting

    imo op a good place to start is w/ people already in your life- siblings, cousins, etc. do stuff w/ them and in turn try to connect w/ some of their friends and slowly you can see your circle expanding...your social life wont change if you dont do stuff, so remain active and go to events.
 
MDreamz said:
I hate to admit it but I am a very lonely person and it scares me to death. I am 32 with absolutely no friends. I have no one I can confide in or talk to when I am feeling down. I have no social life what so ever and have panic attacks when I attempt to be social. I am usually talked about instead of talked to. I feel like a social freak. I work with young children and that seems to be the only social skills I have. But in a group of grown folk I was end up invisible. What can I do? Am I crazy? Any advice welcomed. I really want to fix this.
Click to expand...

all the ladies have given you great advice, i'm so sorry about what you're going through.know that with you living in brooklyn, i try to plan nyc meetups at least once a month when you get the courage to come to one and we would love to have you. i suggest that you begin listening to audiobooks by louise hay here are a few:
101 power thoughts
anger releasing
the power of you spoken word
the power is within you

i listen to these at night during bedtime and in the morning on the way to work:yep: i think this will also help. when you go to therapy please don't let them drug you up:nono: too many side effects....maybe there's a support group for people with social anxiety, try doing a goggle search. know that we are here for you girlie!
 
Livingmylifetothefullest said:
I'm kinda like you in a way except once someone finally approaches me and we start talking, others will notice and want to come over and start talking to me too which in turn, causes me to shut down because 1) I don't like being surrounded by lots of people and 2) I like to get to know someone one-on-one first.

I wish I could be more social but I've come to accept that it's just not me.
Click to expand...

I thought I was the only one like this. I have my friends but I'm not good in large social settings and I avoid them like the plague when possible if I don't know a lot of people. I shut down too if I'm with too many people I don't know well.
 
Girl you aren’t missing out. Most people suck anyway! LOL Okay seriously, it sounds like you are just shy. It happens. Some of the ladies have already given some great advice. What do you like to do for fun? Start socializing honey! You are still young! Don’t kick the bucket before your time. Hang out, go wine testing or do one of those travel groups. That’s a great way to meet interesting people. I went on a wine tour solo to Spain and came back with a bunch of new friends. Another great way to meet people is to volunteer for a worthy cause. What better way to meet quality individuals? If you want some more tips feel free to send a PM!
 
Co-signing with the ladies above saying to connect more in smaller groups. I've never liked large crowds of people, I hate having to talk loudly to be heard, I much prefer talking to just a small group of friends.

Ask someone interesting to join you for a cup of coffee or tea. Don't be discouraged if the first few people say no. Maybe they won't, but don't let it stop you if it happens.

Another thought is to join a gym, yoga class, some sort of group physical discipline. The endorphins you create from the exercise will make you feel good, and that often will attract more people around you. Don't give up! :bighug:
 
MDreamz said:
I hate to admit it but I am a very lonely person and it scares me to death. I am 32 with absolutely no friends. I have no one I can confide in or talk to when I am feeling down. I have no social life what so ever and have panic attacks when I attempt to be social. I am usually talked about instead of talked to. I feel like a social freak. I work with young children and that seems to be the only social skills I have. But in a group of grown folk I was end up invisible. What can I do? Am I crazy? Any advice welcomed. I really want to fix this.
Click to expand...

Do not be afraid to seek the help of a licensed therapist who can help you walk through the fears that have kept you from happiness. Crazy? No, crazy is when one needs help for a very serious problem but never gets help....not even asking about what to do to heal. So don't hesitate to contact a therapist because what you have described is a very serious emotional state....very serious.
 
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blackmaven said:
I found this article written by someone else. I forwarded this article to a friend of mine over 44 years of age who recently wanted to know why she did not have a lot of female friends. It was a question I did not want to answer.:sad: I told her the truth. She cried. She stated wanted to change. I hope this helps:grin:


  1. Be yourself, or be true to yourself. A true friend will like you for who you are, not who you pretend to be.
  2. Being Yourself is Not the Solution. It's the Problem. Learn to Change.
    www.ThePopularClub.com
  3. Spend more time around people. If you want to make friends, you first need to put yourself out there somehow in order to meet people. Friends seldom come knocking on your door while you sit at home playing computer games.

  4. Join an organization with people who have common interests. You don't necessarily have to have a lot of common interests with people in order to make friends with them. In fact, some of the most rewarding friendships are between two people who don't have much in common at all, but if you like a specific topic, try searching for just a location. It's a great way to meet new local people! Social networking sites such as Face Book, twitter and My Space are great way to meet new people and learn more about the people you meet.

  5. Join a sports team. A common misconception about this is that you have to be really good at playing a particular sport in order to make friends with others on the team, but not all teams are so competitive. As long as you enjoy the sport and support your teammates, joining a local team with a laid-back attitude could be a great way to make new friends.

  6. Volunteer. Volunteering is a great way for people of all ages to meet others. By working together you build bonds with people, and you might meet others who have a passion for changing things the way you do—a common cause.

  7. Talk to people. You can join a club, go to school, or go to church but you still won't make friends if you don't actually talk to people. By the same token, you don't have to be involved with an organization to be social, and any time you talk to someone, you have a chance at making a lasting friend. You can talk to anybody: the clerk at the video store, the person sitting next to you on the bus, or the person in front of you on the lunch line. Don't be too picky. Most conversations will be a dead-end of sorts--when you may never talk to that person again, or you just remain acquaintances--but once in a while you'll actually make a friend.
  8. Make eye contact and smile. If you have an unfriendly countenance, people are less likely to be receptive to your friendship. Be approachable by not squinting (get some glasses), looking bored, frowning or appearing blankly deadpan, folding your arms or hanging out in a corner; such habits may make you look troubled or disinterested.
  9. Start a conversation. There are many ways to do this; a comment about your immediate environment (The weather is a classic: "At least it's not raining like last week!"), a request for help ("Can you help me carry a few boxes, if you have a minute?" or "Can you help me decide which one of these is a better gift for my mom?") or a compliment ("That's a nice car." or "I love your shoes."). Follow up immediately with a related question: Do you like this warm weather? What kinds of gifts do you normally buy for your mom? Where did you get shoes like that?
  10. Make small talk. Keep the conversation light and cheery. Even if you're complaining about something, make sure it's something you're both dissatisfied with, and emphasize the positive—how such a situation can be avoided in the future, or alternatives. Bounce a few words back and forth for a little bit. Many conversationalists say that it is good to follow a 30/70 (30% talking, 70% listening) pattern during small talk when possible.

  11. Introduce yourself at the end of the conversation. It can be as simple as saying "Oh, by the way, my name is...". Once you introduce yourself, the other person will typically do the same. Remember his or her name! If you show that you remembered things from your past conversation(s) with the person, not only will you look intelligent but he or she will see that you were paying attention and are willing to be a true friend.
  12. Initiate a get-together. You can chat your heart out but it won't get you a friend if you don't open up the opportunity for another conversation or meeting. This is especially important if you meet someone who you aren't otherwise likely to meet again. Seize the day!
  13. If you've discovered that the person you're talking to has a common interest, ask him or her more about it and, if appropriate, whether they get together with others (in a club, for example) to pursue this interest. If so, this is a perfect opportunity to ask about joining them. If you clearly express interest (when? where? can anyone come?) they'll probably invite you. If you have a club, band, church, etc. that you think they might enjoy, take the opportunity to give them your number or email address and invite them to join you.

  14. Ask them out for lunch or coffee. That will give you a better opportunity to talk and get to know each other a little bit better. A good way to extend yourself is to say: "Hey, well, I've got to go, but if you ever want to talk over lunch or coffee or anything like that, let me give you my number/e-mail address." This gives the person the opportunity to contact you; they may or may not give you their information in return, but that's fine. Maybe they don't have time for new friends—don't take it personally! Just offer your contact info to whoever seems to be potentially a good friend, and eventually somebody will get in touch.
Click to expand...

You could pick one thing on this list and try it for 2 weeks. As you get more comfortable, try something else on the list.
 
MDreamz said:
Thanks ladies. I just feel like a misfit. Not just women, men also. When I walk in the room, it's like the plague has entered. The only time people talk to me is when the want something. When they get what they want then poof...gone. SMH
Click to expand...

Watch your thought and make certain thoughts like "plague has entered the room" forbidden. Letting yourself think negative self defeating thoughts while putting yourself in social settings is a recipe for disaster.

Now if you have time warped back into a group with a high school cliquish mentality, graciously look at your cell phone, look urgent, and say you have to leave. :lachen: But in most cases, it's really not about you.
 
Your never alone as long as your here with us!!!...you can hit me up anytime!!!!...and I live the next state over!!!...when I go to NY to get my hair done I will let you know!!!...we can do lunch!!!!....your alright!!!!
 
I second the posters that mentioned getting the help of a therapist.

I would tell you to get involved in more social settings, but it sounds like something about the people/thoughts/environments are exactly what might be triggering your social anxiety. So I have the feeling if it was as easy as going out more and talking to people more, that you would already be doing it. I think you need the help of a professional to figure out what is the root of this problem so that you can actually function in and look forward to social settings.

In the meantime while you're looking for a therapist why not try joining an organization or group that focuses on anxiety or social phobias or making friends? Sorry, I can't think of what these groups would be called (maybe someone else can chime in with suggestions) but I'm sure a local meetup.com search would find some groups of people who are going through what you're going through - this way you might be able to get some counseling *and* make friends at the same time? :yep:

Congrats on deciding you actually want to make change! That's a big step in itself. (((hugs)))
 
I just read the thread and I just want to say I am touched by how all you guys responded to this woman. Truly kind words and real help and suggestions were given. Good job guys for being kind human beings!

As for the OP, I used to have panic attacks as well, some were so bad I ended up in an emergency room twice. I know how you feel.!!!! Guess what tho' like the ladies said half of the battle was admitting you want change, thats when things started to change for me. You'd be surprised what a little therapy can do. I foresee you having oodles of fun very soon!!! Sending you love!!!! ( And i second what the lady said don't let them drug you up they tried that mess with me!! No siree bob!!! You will be just fine without them.
 
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