I am a very Lonely person

[nikolite]

You've gotten some great advice. But to actually start doing something, first make a list of "small talk" questions and comments. I know it sounds silly, but I had to do this at one point. I realized I was socially awkward a lot of times because I never knew what to say while those who make friends very quickly are just good at small talk. So in some situations you just have to know what to say.

Some examples are:

1. Complain about the weather. It seems most people like to complain about rain and such, but you can also talk about how its finally sunny out.
2. Give compliments. This is the easiest. Compliment a woman's shoes, hair, taste in clothes, etc.
3. Bring up a movie you just saw and how good/bad it was (even if you didn't see the movie last night and really saw it a month ago, say you did anyway--people love to talk about popular movies). This is good for when people you already come into contact with ask how was your weekend or whatnot.
4. Actually tell how you are doing. Most people ask "How are you?" Even if they don't mean it, I used to always say "Fine. how are you?" and be on my way. But I've found that people actually like to hear others stop and tell them exactly how they are, or things about themselves. It makes them feel like they are a good listener/friend, and when you open up, you appear more vulnerable, which makes them want to open up to you and be vulnerable. So next time someone asks, say something like "I spent Friday night trying to find something to do and ended up wasting gas" or "My cat has been ruining my apartment." Be open and tell the truth about yourself so that they can relate to you.
5. Ask questions. Many people love to hear themselves talk and they love to feel like they are helping someone. So ask if a coworker got a project in on time, ask about the music at a party, ask how someone got started working at your job/in your field, ask whether someone liked the show you just saw. It may be easier to start out talking to people this way by being the listener. Throughout the conversation, ask more questions and details about the persons answers without getting too personal. And then be ready and willing to answer when they begin to get curious about you.

If need be, make up generic responses for some of these, just until you get the hang of it. Nothing too far-fetched but have an idea of certain things to say to carry on a conversation.

Force yourself to say at least one thing on this list each day (or each week if its easier for you to start out that way), even if that means you have to strike up a conversation at a grocery store. Realize that most people are just as nervous as you are, we all just reach a point where we don't care if other people notice, and then we realize that no one is paying attention to us. Make a game or challenge out of talking to at least one person each day. Also, smile a lot wherever you go.

Since you are a naturally shy/quiet person, I would also approach talkative people if I was you. They are the ones that are most attracted to quiet people and usually click well with you because you don't have to talk as much, but they love a good ear. Approaching another quiet person may sometimes lead to more awkwardness.

 

[Ivonnovi]

Sweetie, I'd put good money on the idea that you are an "Introvert"; and, maybe an "extreme version of one. NO PROBLEM

The following book was helpful for me, it didn't cure me but it provided a lot of insight and guidance on being comfortable being me, and on why I may be perceived a certain way.

The Introvert Advantage, Marti Olsen Laney, (9780761123699) Paperback - Barnes & Noble​

I find prologned exposure in Social situations to be draining, and I need to be by myself to "recharge". In my line of work that attitude is problematic. /\ /] This book was the 1st reference I found to put those feelings into words for me, ..... It's a good read, and I highly recommend it.

Check out the reviews!

 

[bbdgirl]

The ladies that responded are dead on. And also of note is that you may be an introvert. I am well, not extremely so but I do find socializing to be draining at times. Alot of these suggestions are worth trying. Start out slow and dont be too critical of yourself because the truth is that most of us are feeling some level of social anxiety everyday. You are not alone. If you want to meet up at the next NYC meet up I will meet you there. I suffer from a little shyness too, which is why I have yet to show up a a meet up. But they sound like a blast, and we'll get to talk about hair; which I love. Hope to see you there

 

[awhyley]

*OP, you've received great tips in this thread. You have it better than most, as you're in NYC, where there are millions of people! (A great place to try out these tools, and where LHCFers meet on a regular basis). In terms of your social anxiety, chat with a therapist if you try these hints, and you notice that things are not getting better. Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years are coming up, great occasions to chat people up, i.e. 'what are you doing for the holidays?, etc., but if you don't get yourself out there, you'll never know. Let us know how you get on.

The only time people talk to me is when the want something. When they get what they want then poof...gone. SMH

Yep, story of my life.

Yeah same here, when they need their psychologist, then they use me. After that, poof. I thought I was the only like this.

Nope, there are more of us like this. I wondered whether it's because we give the impression that we're busy or can't be bothered. As the master of the one-word answer, I've always wondered if that contributed to the lack of conversation engaged in. (eta: who am I kidding, I'm sure it is)

5. Ask questions. Many people love to hear themselves talk and they love to feel like they are helping someone. So ask if a coworker got a project in on time, ask about the music at a party, ask how someone got started working at your job/in your field, ask whether someone liked the show you just saw. It may be easier to start out talking to people this way by being the listener. Throughout the conversation, ask more questions and details about the persons answers without getting too personal. And then be ready and willing to answer when they begin to get curious about you.

This is where I have trouble. I don't want to ask anything because I feel that I may inadvertently cross the line. I figure that if I do, they'll tell me, but still, it makes me uncomfortable, so I stopped asking.

 

[Freespirit02]

I'll be your friend!
I'm always looking for new friends..because..well I don't have many! You can write me whenever you want to talk!

 

[Nix08]

Number 5 on this list is KEY! Ask people about themselves, they love it...at the end of the conversation they may know nothing about you but they'll love you because you showed interest in them.

You've gotten some great advice. But to actually start doing something, first make a list of "small talk" questions and comments. I know it sounds silly, but I had to do this at one point. I realized I was socially awkward a lot of times because I never knew what to say while those who make friends very quickly are just good at small talk. So in some situations you just have to know what to say.

Some examples are:

1. Complain about the weather. It seems most people like to complain about rain and such, but you can also talk about how its finally sunny out.
2. Give compliments. This is the easiest. Compliment a woman's shoes, hair, taste in clothes, etc.
3. Bring up a movie you just saw and how good/bad it was (even if you didn't see the movie last night and really saw it a month ago, say you did anyway--people love to talk about popular movies). This is good for when people you already come into contact with ask how was your weekend or whatnot.
4. Actually tell how you are doing. Most people ask "How are you?" Even if they don't mean it, I used to always say "Fine. how are you?" and be on my way. But I've found that people actually like to hear others stop and tell them exactly how they are, or things about themselves. It makes them feel like they are a good listener/friend, and when you open up, you appear more vulnerable, which makes them want to open up to you and be vulnerable. So next time someone asks, say something like "I spent Friday night trying to find something to do and ended up wasting gas" or "My cat has been ruining my apartment." Be open and tell the truth about yourself so that they can relate to you.
5. Ask questions. Many people love to hear themselves talk and they love to feel like they are helping someone. So ask if a coworker got a project in on time, ask about the music at a party, ask how someone got started working at your job/in your field, ask whether someone liked the show you just saw. It may be easier to start out talking to people this way by being the listener. Throughout the conversation, ask more questions and details about the persons answers without getting too personal. And then be ready and willing to answer when they begin to get curious about you.

If need be, make up generic responses for some of these, just until you get the hang of it. Nothing too far-fetched but have an idea of certain things to say to carry on a conversation.

Force yourself to say at least one thing on this list each day (or each week if its easier for you to start out that way), even if that means you have to strike up a conversation at a grocery store. Realize that most people are just as nervous as you are, we all just reach a point where we don't care if other people notice, and then we realize that no one is paying attention to us. Make a game or challenge out of talking to at least one person each day. Also, smile a lot wherever you go.

Since you are a naturally shy/quiet person, I would also approach talkative people if I was you. They are the ones that are most attracted to quiet people and usually click well with you because you don't have to talk as much, but they love a good ear. Approaching another quiet person may sometimes lead to more awkwardness.

 

[BLESSED1]

i hv no more advice to add cuz i think everyone's advice is on point. Just wanted to send hugs to you Mdreamz, i feel the same way sometime since moving hundreds of miles away by myself in my late 20's, i think it gets harder to make new friends the older you get but it can be done. PM me if ever want to talk, and hugs to the other ladies who feel lonely too

 

[BullGirl2010]

^^^ It may be a combination of things, both lack of confidence and maybe a genuine issue since you experience panic attacks when you try to be sociable. Please consider seeing a therapist. Things like this have a way of feeding on themselves: the more isolated you feel the more isolated you become. Working with a therapist may help you break out of that cycle.

I could not agree more.

I have been exactly where you are and I know that it's a sad place to be. I benefited greatly from therapy and I think you would as well. Sweetheart, I know that it is tough but you have to take a first step. This is a great one. I see that you are in Brooklyn. I am more than happy to PM some resources you may want to look into in NYC. Have you thought about meeting up with the LHCF girls during the meet-up? There is another one 12/10 in Manhattan. I will be there for that one. I would love to have you come out and join us. You will get tons of support from the other ladies and make some instant friends. I know that it's not easy to put yourself out there but know that you will receive tons of support from all of the ladies on this forum as well as the group of NY ladies. Just think about it. I am lifting you up in prayer.

:blowkiss:

 

[MDreamz]

Thank you all so much. Ladies of LHCF, you are all truly the best. I'm sitting here in tears reading all the response. Thank you all for reaching out and most important, making me feel normal. God Bless you all.

 

[nikolite]

This is where I have trouble. I don't want to ask anything because I feel that I may inadvertently cross the line. I figure that if I do, they'll tell me, but still, it makes me uncomfortable, so I stopped asking.

You're not likely to cross the line at all. That may be all in your head. But this is why its important to write down your limits before hand. Find out what is too personal and what is not. Usually, if they've mentioned something its okay to ask them further about it, but you'll learn to read ques on when to stop. For instance, if they evade a question then leave it alone and move on. But its okay to ask questions, people usually love it. Even if you do cross a line, its really no big deal as long as you don't push it further.

Questions I'd refrain from asking are those about the death of a loved one (but its okay to pause and stay quiet for a while and allow them to volunteer info--sometimes speaking about a dead loved one is therapeutic) or about any problems with a spouse. Besides that you're probably in the clear.

Nope, there are more of us like this. I wondered whether it's because we give the impression that we're busy or can't be bothered. As the master of the one-word answer, I've always wondered if that contributed to the lack of conversation engaged in. (eta: who am I kidding, I'm sure it is)

Yep. That's exactly right. Not only do introverts sometimes appear busy, but short, one word answers appear like you are closed off to friendships. Opening up and talking about yourself is sometimes the best way to get others to do the same to you. If they see you as a psychologist, then they know the relationship is a one-way relationship, which is hard to keep up. They actually want to be your psychologist sometimes too.

 

[nikolite]

Thank you all so much. Ladies of LHCF, you are all truly the best. I'm sitting here in tears reading all the response. Thank you all for reaching out and most important, making me feel normal. God Bless you all.

Yes, this is VERY NORMAL. Remember: the only difference between the sociable ones and the awkward ones are that the sociable ones don't care what people think about them. But they are just as nervous, awkward, and trying to figure out what to say/do as the quiet ones. Only a small few are naturally talkative, charismatic and wide-open without needing to prep themselves beforehand or without years of practice.

I used to be very quiet and had no friends either (I still have very few). But the only difference between the old me and the new me is that I stopped giving a damn. I was my same old awkward, weird, goofy self but I just let it out for everyone to see without caring anymore. And then the friends came streaming in because I gave people a chance to like me for me.

You are definitely not alone. Everyone just reaches that milestone at different times in their lives. I'm glad you're ready to do so too.

 

[makeupgirl]

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. I understand you completely. Remember that you're never alone because Christ is always around. He said, he will never leave us nor forsake us.

 

[MDreamz]

Thanks ladies. I appreciate this.

 

[Grand Prix]

I’ve struggled with this for a long time and still do. I can’t stand to walk in a room with more than two people I don’t know well, public speaking makes me nauseous, the list goes on.. I don’t even like to post too often.

But I’d like to share my experience with you, just so you know you’re not alone and that there are things you can do to make it all less difficult.

I remember this being a big issue for me during my first year in college and even after years of daily contact with all my fellow students, I didn't made any actual friends.
However, next to my studies I got a job as a receptionist that first year. I was so terrified of all those people coming up and talking to me and being the center of attention, I actually kept deodorant with me because I was sweating so much. But it was a great job and I of course needed the money, so I kept to it and I’m so glad I did.
I still plan on talking my way out of going to the Christmas dinner, but I do know people are fond of me. Which, sometimes, still surprises me.

Here’s a few things I worked on:
-I became the queen of small talk. And a very enthusiastic one at that. Even when you’re talking about the weather (as mentioned a couple of times before), you can really engage into an actual conversation. “Ohhhh my goodness, it’s SO cold out today!! How I wish it were spring already! Remember last winter, gosh all that snow!”
“I just LOVE when it’s all sunny out like this!” *BIG smile*
People are likely to respond the same as you, chances are they’ll laugh or at least smile and this is something I love doing.

-Speaking of smiling.. When you greet someone, act like you’re actually happy to see them. Smile with your entire face, eyes, teeth showing, etc., simply mean it. People often have a soft spot for people who smile and you seem so much friendlier and approachable when you do.
Sometimes I also simply smile when I can’t think of anything to say. Strangely, that’s okay.

-Remember people’s names and a few details about them. Next time you see them you can say “Hi Bob, how’s your baby?” People can go on and on once you show them you care.

-When people ask how you are or how your weekend was or something similar, add an interesting detail about yourself that you feel good about. For example if somebody asks me how my weekend was, I’ll comment on the weather lol and tell them I went riding with my horse.
As soon as people start to ask about my horse, I somehow relax because it’s something familiar. As if my thoughts can go to a happy place. I tell them about him (with a big smile) and they’ll remember something about me that they might think is nice, interesting and maybe ask about again. Other people like to have a reason to engage in some small talk too..

In short, just be friendly, smiley and interested in people.
I now love my little job (no more deodorant), people from all over the world (it’s an international company) remember and know me as that enthusiastic vibrant girl. When they tell me this, I make sure I repeat it in my mind so I won't forget. I really need it when I walk into that room full of people of who I'm sure really don't care for my presence.
Sometimes you need to regain confidence in the possibility of people liking you.

I still haven’t mastered speaking to groups, I still find an excuse for nearly every party I'm invited to go to, but I feel I’ve come a long way and can go even further.

Just hang in there and remember that people generally like people. And those who don’t, don’t deserve to be your new friend!

 

[MDreamz]

Thanks Grand prix.

 

[petiteNunique]

Hi, i just wanted to say i know exactly how u feel...it can be lonely....i know this may sound crazy to some but you can meet friends off line...I am a very quiet person around people i do not know, which has prevented me from making friends up until recently. I got tired of not having as many friends so i stared going on the platonic section of craigslist..you can look each other on facebook and then decide to start texting, talking, on the phone or meeting up..u just have to be a good judge of character. I hope this helps!

 

[calmsensual1]

You can always join a meetup group on meetup.com

 

[LifeafterLHCF]

OP all the advice I can give is be you..don't try to be anyone other than you..bring your true persona out for the world to see..when we try to be this or that it hard to try to be something..Im a textbook extreme introvert but when I tell people that they look at me like you lying..I had to master me bc being little miss peppy or chatter box or anything other than me just didn't suit me..Love yourself and it will be easy to show the world the same..

 

[Bnster]

Thanks ladies. I just feel like a misfit. Not just women, men also. When I walk in the room, it's like the plague has entered. The only time people talk to me is when the want something. When they get what they want then poof...gone. SMH

It can also how you look at things. It sounds like you are uncomfortable in your own skin - "... it's like the plague has entered." Don't feel like that. When the opportunity comes strike up a conversation or join a group in theirs. If you know their names start off saying hi, how are things? A nod of acknowledgment. When you talk about yourself leave off anything negative, people really don't want to get into your business when you are in acquaintance stage.

"... they get what they want then poof... gone." Maybe it is true in a work situation and maybe some people have no class. Others who are raised properly will make the small talk but you need to engage them for a bit.

I think if you start thinking more positive, become more or appear to be more confident you will see changes in your life. A little bit more out going will help and a smile that reach your eyes will definitely help. If you can work with kids and they see the joy in you, adults will too when you open up to them.

You are beautiful and have lots to offer others.