Husbands that reject natural hair

[vivadiva85]

I'm the observative (sp) type so here goes:

I like how everyone (generalization, but you get me) is over IR threads, but this thread totally evolved into one.

 

[Bunny77]

I'm the observative (sp) type so here goes:

I like how everyone (generalization, but you get me) is over IR threads, but this thread totally evolved into one.

We. Just. Can't. Stop. It!

I think we're back on track now though.

 

[MissYocairis]

My SO has let me know outright that he is not in agreement with me going natural.....or me wearing braids. weaves, or phony ponies.....luckily, when he mentioned he was thinking of shaving all his hair off and going bald, I was able to FORBID him in kind. *wink* He's an angel but he can be a BRAT.

 

[Much2much41]

I'm not married, but my friend would LOVE for me to cut all my hair off and go natural. I told him I'm not cutting my hair off for him unless we at least get engaged, cause the next man might like long hair

 

[FeelinIt]

just playing devil's advocate, those "other" race men can't really be faulted for holding their own women's hair as a beauty standard. If white men prefer "caucasian type hair", whatever that is, then that would at least make sense on some level. Now if black men prefer "caucasion type hair" over what "typically" grows out of the head of their women then they are adhering to someone else's beauty standard.
*I know I am using a lot of sterotypes here, sorry *

I also have to agree and say most black men prefer straight hair and do not care for natural 4a/b hair. While I was fully natural, most of the men asked me when I was going to do something with my hair.

We have to understand that most of the negative comments rather they be, you are so black, blah, blah, blah or your hair is so nappy blah, blah blah, come from our own. Sorry to say that but it is soo true. Not one black male likes my natural hair.....NOT ONE!

 

[FeelinIt]

I RESPECTFULLY disagree, those "beauty standards" aren't necessarily created by black mean, but they are surely ones who follows them, and veeerry closely mind you.

From my experiences, I have to agree with this also.

Maybe she is dealing with some very open minded black men because the ones I know always need me to "do something with that".

 

[FeelinIt]

And yeah, I don't really know either... I also don't think a WM has to prefer a BW to not have a hair texture preference, but if he chooses to go out with one, he's probably going to be more accepting of her differences, hair texture included.

I just think that in terms of there being a general issue about liking/disliking the look of certain textures of black hair, it's more of a black community thing. Kinda like Asians debating whether rounder eyes are prettier and if they're too dark or not -- I honestly don't think that white people are thinking in those terms when they looking at Asian women -- the issue is one that concerns only folks in the Asian community.

Individual issues in "minority" communities about beauty standards don't really translate into the "majority" community, I don't think.

As for me, whoever I go out with, they better accept my hair, cause I'm not changing it! What they're seeing now is what they're gonna get!

It's funny you say this and not to veer off the topic to much but I was watching a DVR'ed episode of the Oprah show tonight and Suchin Park, a VJ for MTV was talking about the crease above the eye she has always obsessed and wanted. She talked about taking pictures when she was younger with her eyes all wide open to make them look bigger. She also stated that in the Asian community here in the US and abroad, eyes are a big thing with them like our hair is to us. To them they want to look as Western as they can and that crease above the eye helps to create that look.

Heck they even go so far as to put tape above the eye to create this crease and put makeup over it. And then there are the surgeries.

Now when she said this, to me it was the weirdest thing ever and I thought she was beautiful just the way she was. And Oprah and the general public had NO IDEA and didn't notice the difference.

All of that is to say that although we make it a major big deal with regards to our hair, we really should not expect others to make such a big hoopla about it. They probably don't see the big deal and don't notice or care. As long as it looks nice what's the big deal?

 

[mango387]

^^^You are so right on the post before your previous one FeelinIt. I had an African-American male boss who had the nerve to tell me that my neat cornrowed, then-natural bun was a "sistergirl" hairstyle, but I never heard him talk about the black woman at the job with platinum blond, relaxed broken off hair. I guess it was because it was straight.

 

[carcajada]

Your DH is such a cutie pie. I bet yall have a ball together!

Thanks. Sometime, too much fun.

 

[hopeful]

I was really afraid my dh would hate my hair when I went natural. In the past whenever I talked about it he was always like why? He even hated braids too. Well, it finally came to pass that I HAD to go natural, I didn't have a choice, so I sat him down and told him I needed to bc and get a fresh start, I was so nervous. He was like you gotta do what you gotta do. And that was it. When I bc'd the 2nd time I didn't even discuss it with him and he didn't even bat an eye.

The funny thing is that I think he would prefer that I have relaxed hair but he loves ME so much that it just doesn't matter. What matters is that I'm happy and that I'm doing what is best for me. I am still the same person, my hair is just different than it used to be. I think my love for him has actually deepend because of his acceptance of my natural hair because it was just one more thing to show how much he cared about me.

 

[Tamrin]

As Im sitting here reading this thread and my SO is here (watching a vampire movie) I asked him which does he prefer natural or relaxed. He looked at me and asked if Im thinking about it. He says he has no preference because his mother has been natural all her life. And he enjoys playing with my two inches of New growth (which he keeps track of). I guess Im lucky.

 

[Bint Yusef]

Mine is about to go crazy with me talking about possibly relaxing mine. He is very much against it. I may have to come here with husband drama, if I decide to relax.

I could never be with a man who has any strong preference against what is inherently and intrinsically Black. That screams issues to me and ones I cannot deal with.

 

[PinkPeony]

Just wondering ( I know no one will admit it) but what if someone's white husband didn't like natural hair? Is that bad?

Or what if the SO had type 2c/3a hair himself (along with the rest of his family)? What that be considered a form of self-hate, even tho kinky isn't a part of him?

DH met me with highly textured hair similar to firecrackers and we fell in love.
He loves it when my hair looks a mess but he usually doesn't like natural hair.
I'am NOT 100% sure about that one tough since *I'am sorry* he can't really focus on the hair alone
If I show him pics of hair only it's JUST hair to him.
If the hair is on a very attractive women it's HOT if she's not he doesn't like it.
I showed him diff. textures, lengths and so on and all the hair types(3a-4a) he liked where on women I know he finds attractive so I guess that's not REALLY an answer since the same hairtypes were not SO hot o women he found less attractive
His mayor turn-off is really short,shaved hair on women.

 

[Ayeshia]

I don't know. Sometimes I do braidouts on soaking wet hair to create the appearance of a tighter texture (it looks cool, and it makes me appear to have even more hair) and I get nothing but compliments.

I think it might go back to the whole "Do men like the untamed look" thing. Big hair, wild hair, curly hair, nappy hair ( I refer to my own hair as nappy) seems to be a big turn on for men in general.

the guy im talking to now prefers my hair curly...and asked if there were ways to make it bigger and wilder than what it already is . He is very in tune with the jist of black hair since he went to beauty school to become a barber. But with all the WM I have dated they all expressed that my hair is what initally attracted them to me, so I know for me that they love the hair . BM have never expressed that they disliked like my hair, but they all have inquired when and if Im going to relax/press it out anytime soon. All of the white men I have dated made it clear that they do not like wigs or weaves....so if they clearly have a problem with that, I dont see why they would be quiet about natural hair texture.

But I honestly do think that BM have a bigger issue with natural black hair than WM's do. of course not all white men glorify natural hair and I wasnt trying to make it out to be that way. I just think if I had relaxed hair, I would have a gazillion more inquiries about who what where when and why I do that to my hair....and it would annoy the ish out of me

 

[Hidden_Angel]

the guy im talking to now prefers my hair curly...and asked if there were ways to make it bigger and wilder than what it already is . He is very in tune with the jist of black hair since he went to beauty school to become a barber. But with all the WM I have dated they all expressed that my hair is what initally attracted them to me, so I know for me that they love the hair . BM have never expressed that they disliked like my hair, but they all have inquired when and if Im going to relax/press it out anytime soon. All of the white men I have dated made it clear that they do not like wigs or weaves....so if they clearly have a problem with that, I dont see why they would be quiet about natural hair texture.

But I honestly do think that BM have a bigger issue with natural black hair than WM's do. of course not all white men glorify natural hair and I wasnt trying to make it out to be that way. I just think if I had relaxed hair, I would have a gazillion more inquiries about who what where when and why I do that to my hair....and it would annoy the ish out of me

I PERSONALY think its not so much a matter of them hateing it moreso the length of it... because seeing a waist length hair from the back can be....... very...... erm appealing to a man then seeing short hair...

 

[bLackButtaFly]

Sometimes I just think men are fickle creatures. they like what they like until they don't. But when I was transitioning I met a guy, but when he met me I had my hair in braids, but I told him up front that I was going natural, and I didn't have alot of experience with it, just so he knew. He was like it's no big deal. However when I took the braids out he had a bunch of little jokes about it. NAppy this yada yada, and it made me mad on top of some other things, so we stopped speaking. About six months later we went on a date and he was like your hair's grown it looks so nice yada yada, so i guess it depends. I've had other bf/s or guys I was communitcating with who couldn't get enough and one very nice one who asked if I would carry his children ( I turned him down) after he saw my hair, so I think it's to each his own with hair stuff.

 

[Ayeshia]

I PERSONALY think its not so much a matter of them hateing it moreso the length of it... because seeing a waist length hair from the back can be....... very...... erm appealing to a man then seeing short hair...

yeah the length of the hair is pretty universal my guy hates my weave but loves the length though

 

[Hidden_Angel]

yeah the length of the hair is pretty universal my guy hates my weave but loves the length though

Yep they are like "why you gotta be wearing a weave but drooling over how long it looks...

I really like your sewin im thinking about getting my hair down like that

shorter length though.. like collar bone

 

[prettykinks]

My DH loves, loves, loves my natural hair. He had a fit when I bought up putting a relaxer in my hair. He says he doesn't want me to mess up my fro with chemicals. Whenever I change my hairstyle he will take pics for me and send to other women in his family or friends he knows that need help with their hair. He is always giving out our number telling people to get advice for their hair. He is too silly

 

[mkh_77]

Dh would be extremely upset if I were natural. He doesn't like the look of natural hair at all.

This sentiment would make me very sad. It would also make me hesitant about bringing female children into the relationship. This is just my opinion, and I am glad my husband does not feel this way about my natural hair.

 

[klassykutie]

This sentiment would make me very sad. It would also make me hesitant about bringing female children into the relationship. This is just my opinion, and I am glad my husband does not feel this way about my natural hair.

I agree.

There are so many things that women tend to settle for in men as far as physical attributes, and yet, they trip over things like natural hair. I cut my hair and began transitioning after I met my SO. He didn't warm up to it at first because it was drastic, but he still supported me. He actually likes my big natural hair than my straight hair now.And he has come to appreciate why I did it. My hair before was long, but it was thin and damaged. He tells me he is happy I made that change. So if he didn't like natural looks AT ALL, and this is how I heard him speak before I transitioned I am not sure if he and I would have worked out. It makes me wonder like would you support me if I had cancer and lost all of my hair or something similar to that nature.

 

[bravenewgirl87]

This might seem very harsh, but this is a MAIN criteria when i choose my potential mate.

1. WE DON'T DISCUSS MY PHYSICAL APPEARANCE.
If i mention, " i think i am getting chubby; I need to work out," i don't want you responding back. Its rethorical--basically meaning that i am lamenting to myself. I don't want you to tell me, "oh, you're so beautiful just the way you are". Lets get real, i don't care what you think of my looks at the point in time...i am judging myself and doing what I think is best for myself. Same theory applies to my hair.

LocksOfLuv, in response to your question:

My ex, who was white, didn't like me with short hair. He never really said much about it or pushed the issue, (but, that is his personality. He is very mild-mannered and not dominant) but he subtly expressed his distate for my new cut. He didn't think it was ugly, he just wanted something to grab on to or play with. When he realized that I was happy and confident with my short hair... he backed off. Honestly, he was more in shock as to how much it cost me to get in my hair done. I honesly don't think white men care so much about how your hair gets long... as much as they may care about how long it gets. Most of the ones I know are accustomed to long hair and find it hard to deal with short hair. But, then again, the right man wouldn't really care about how your hair looks...IMO. After all, its just HAIR! I mean, you do have a pretty face, right? (disclaimer: the guys who i actually DATE are more "urban" than white; walking around here with dreads, brush cuts, "waves", and basically understand/willing to learn about black hair. The ones who have a huge issue with short haircuts or "ethnic" styles are casual friends and i would never give them the time of day).

My current bf doesn't care not one bit about my hair. He loves the braids; thinks the dreds would be different, but doesn't really care. He is on the fence about going bald... but he would still like it because he loves me for me. He understands my problem about my thick hair (honestly, every black dude understand my dilemma with my thick hair), realizes himself "this chicks hair is too thick too be relaxed", and encourages my transition. (He is Haitian).

 

[missann]

This sentiment would make me very sad. It would also make me hesitant about bringing female children into the relationship. quote]

Ditto. I was shocked when I read that. Like someone else said, to verbalize hatred for something so inherently black is numbing. It's like voicing disgust with darker skin. I know many of us harbor a dislike of it; but I still think many are embarrassed to proudly profess that sentiment.

 

[bravenewgirl87]

This sentiment would make me very sad. It would also make me hesitant about bringing female children into the relationship. quote]
It's like voicing disgust with darker skin.

Oh...but you would be surprised as to how many. I mean, i had a Q-dawg look at me like i had spat in his face because i asked him if he wouldn't consider a dark woman.
No offense to the lady whoose husband said it, not talking about you at all...Just a thought posed by the experience i had last week in the afformentioned sentence:
But, has anyone noticed that a lot (not all!) of dark-complected men seem to have a HUGE issue with anything inheritly black? I have met some chocolate men who don't like weaves, love straight hair, light-skinned women, light colored eyes, bi-racial women, interracial relationships, hates dreads, natural hai, etc.... everything and anything except for "black"

 

[missann]

But, has anyone noticed that a lot (not all!) of dark-complected men seem to have a HUGE issue with anything inheritly black? I have met some chocolate men who don't like weaves, love straight hair, light-skinned women, light colored eyes, bi-racial women, interracial relationships, hates dreads, natural hai, etc.... everything and anything except for "black"

YES! I've noticed that and it is soooo obvious. Especially when I see light-skinned men almost invariably coupled with dark-skinned women. The phenomenon is striking.

 

[Minx]

Mine is about to go crazy with me talking about possibly relaxing mine. He is very much against it. I may have to come here with husband drama, if I decide to relax.

I could never be with a man who has any strong preference against what is inherently and intrinsically Black. That screams issues to me and ones I cannot deal with.

Amen to that!

There is something very unnatural about rejecting who we are naturally.......



dk

 

[Kurlee]

This sentiment would make me very sad. It would also make me hesitant about bringing female children into the relationship. quote]

Ditto. I was shocked when I read that. Like someone else said, to verbalize hatred for something so inherently black is numbing. It's like voicing disgust with darker skin. I know many of us harbor a dislike of it; but I still think many are embarrassed to proudly profess that sentiment.

I AGREE TOTALLY, I never understood dudes who don't accept natural hair regardless of whatever texture it may be. It's like saying what u naturally are needs to "fixed" to be attractive or accepted. This mindset and lack of self-acceptance seems like its never going away. And no i'm not a natrual hair nazi. I love all styles, sometimes i jus question the why behind it, cuz sometimes, if we are honest with ourselves the WHY can uncover ideas we don't want to admit to ourselves.

 

[Kurlee]

Oh...but you would be surprised as to how many. I mean, i had a Q-dawg look at me like i had spat in his face because i asked him if he wouldn't consider a dark woman.
No offense to the lady whoose husband said it, not talking about you at all...Just a thought posed by the experience i had last week in the afformentioned sentence:
But, has anyone noticed that a lot (not all!) of dark-complected men seem to have a HUGE issue with anything inheritly black? I have met some chocolate men who don't like weaves, love straight hair, light-skinned women, light colored eyes, bi-racial women, interracial relationships, hates dreads, natural hai, etc.... everything and anything except for "black"

I see this soooooooooooooo much, my mom call it "putting milk in ur coffee". In her time, shes from a much older generation,she said this skool of thought was common.

 

[Dare~to~Dream]

I have to add that when we started dating he had a bald head. Then several months later he started wearing a wave cap all the time. I HATED it! I even told him. He even purposely embarrassed me by showing up at our house, with my dad there, wearing that thing. My daddy said that he looked like Heckle and Jeckle.

Who could forget "The Wave Cap Guy"? Sorry that it didn't work out though.

 

[Mahalialee4]

Hmmm... in a way, I can understand if you met a man while you were relaxed that he might be upset if you one day decide to go natural and do a big chop. Obviously when he approached you, it was because he liked the look that you had and you are now doing a "bait-and-switch." It's like if my man did a major change midway through our relationship and changed a feature that attracted me to him in the first place... I'd be a little bothered. So I'm not ready to just crucify a man for that in the beginning...

HOWEVER, I think if a woman wants to go natural, her SO/DH needs to eventually grow to accept it. Maybe not love it, but accept it... I say this only because many women's choice to go natural isn't a frivolous one -- there are usually economical, time-saving and wholistic reasons behind it. I don't think many men understand how much time and effort it truly takes to maintain a great-looking head of straightened hair... and some of the annoyances that come with it (not being able to scratch the head a few days before the relaxer, potential scalp burns, potential breakage, etc., etc.)

A woman who wants to do this needs to sit down with her husband and have a talk about why this is important to her and the last thing he needs to do is "forbid" her to do it... I wish a fool would try to forbid me to do something... then if he keeps insisting, maybe she should tell him to pay for all of her styling and upkeep costs since this is something he wants for her and even suggest that he also get a perm/texturizer so that he can understand what she has to go through and why she wants to change.

Most reasonable men would eventually get the point if presented that way and once the woman becomes comfortable in her natural hair and can style/maintain it well, he might be surprised how nice it can look.

Luckily I won't have this problem -- dudes see me now with my natural hair and they can figure out at the beginning whether or not they're interested... one wasn't, and I wasn't offended... I'd rather him not be interested from jump than have to deal with the hair issue in a relationship!

That would kind of be like dating and being attracted to a guy with gorgeous dreads and as soon as you married, he chopped them off, saying he was just tired of them...and you were just getting in to them. Just My opinion...but I wonder why women make their "hair preference" a make or break it deal " with their men and are "disappointed" or outraged when the men do the same. This is not aimed at ANYONE Personally ON THIS POST AT ALL. Just curious