Husbands that reject natural hair

[emerald06]

But, has anyone noticed that a lot (not all!) of dark-complected men seem to have a HUGE issue with anything inheritly black? I have met some chocolate men who don't like weaves, love straight hair, light-skinned women, light colored eyes, bi-racial women, interracial relationships, hates dreads, natural hai, etc.... everything and anything except for "black"

I must say I have noticed this, especially with some men in the south. It's almost like they're trying to compensate for their "deficiencies". It's disturbing to say the least.

 

[Kurlee]

That would kind of be like dating and being attracted to a guy with gorgeous dreads and as soon as you married, he chopped them off, saying he was just tired of them...and you were just getting in to them. Just My opinion...but I wonder why women make their "hair preference" a make or break it deal " with their men and are "disappointed" or outraged when the men do the same. This is not aimed at ANYONE Personally ON THIS POST AT ALL. Just curious

For most women, going natural requires a lot of adjustment mentally and socially that man cutting his hair off doesn't really experience. He doesn't face the social stigma a lot of women face from their peers and family who make think that natural hair is unattractive. I find it so odd that our hair is such a big deal. White women, dye, perm, bleach, relax their hair and for us to just rock what our hair naturally is, gets such a backlash. I honestly feel a man who is so grossly opposed to a woman being her real self has issues with himself.

And I hate the word preference when it comes to these issues. If you don't like what grows out of your head naturally and HAVE to change it every 8 weeks before the roots get tooo "wavy" there's a problem with that. Really think about it. Every time your hair grows and shows a little of itself you undo it with the quickness, like its a disease you're tryna stop from spreading. I see so many beautiful relaxed heads on this board and they appear to be confident women who just enjoy having their hair realxed as a a style option and that's cool, cuz it looks good and in some ways relaxed hair can be easier to deal with on a regular basis, however, if that's all it is, a hairstyle, to you or ur man, cool. But judging from some of the comments I've read on here over the years, for some, its a lot deeper than a hairstyle.

Edited: Autocorrect jacked me up

 

[carcajada]

This sentiment would make me very sad. It would also make me hesitant about bringing female children into the relationship. This is just my opinion, and I am glad my husband does not feel this way about my natural hair.

Why would it make you sad? I'm genuinely interested.

 

[carcajada]

Oh...but you would be surprised as to how many. I mean, i had a Q-dawg look at me like i had spat in his face because i asked him if he wouldn't consider a dark woman.
No offense to the lady whoose husband said it, not talking about you at all...Just a thought posed by the experience i had last week in the afformentioned sentence:
But, has anyone noticed that a lot (not all!) of dark-complected men seem to have a HUGE issue with anything inheritly black? I have met some chocolate men who don't like weaves, love straight hair, light-skinned women, light colored eyes, bi-racial women, interracial relationships, hates dreads, natural hai, etc.... everything and anything except for "black"

I just worked with a light skinned man from New Orleans who wanted to keep "nappy" hair (his words) out of his family, so he never even looked at dating black women who weren't of mixed heritage and really light skin. He turned his nose up at a picture of my husband and asked why I'd want to have kids with him. Where I'm from, almost everybody has color issues.

 

[Blackbird77]

Hmmm... in a way, I can understand if you met a man while you were relaxed that he might be upset if you one day decide to go natural and do a big chop. Obviously when he approached you, it was because he liked the look that you had and you are now doing a "bait-and-switch." It's like if my man did a major change midway through our relationship and changed a feature that attracted me to him in the first place... I'd be a little bothered. So I'm not ready to just crucify a man for that in the beginning...

HOWEVER, I think if a woman wants to go natural, her SO/DH needs to eventually grow to accept it. Maybe not love it, but accept it... I say this only because many women's choice to go natural isn't a frivolous one -- there are usually economical, time-saving and wholistic reasons behind it. I don't think many men understand how much time and effort it truly takes to maintain a great-looking head of straightened hair... and some of the annoyances that come with it (not being able to scratch the head a few days before the relaxer, potential scalp burns, potential breakage, etc., etc.)

A woman who wants to do this needs to sit down with her husband and have a talk about why this is important to her and the last thing he needs to do is "forbid" her to do it... I wish a fool would try to forbid me to do something... then if he keeps insisting, maybe she should tell him to pay for all of her styling and upkeep costs since this is something he wants for her and even suggest that he also get a perm/texturizer so that he can understand what she has to go through and why she wants to change.

Most reasonable men would eventually get the point if presented that way and once the woman becomes comfortable in her natural hair and can style/maintain it well, he might be surprised how nice it can look.

Luckily I won't have this problem -- dudes see me now with my natural hair and they can figure out at the beginning whether or not they're interested... one wasn't, and I wasn't offended... I'd rather him not be interested from jump than have to deal with the hair issue in a relationship!

It should go like this: "Okay, I need to see a stylist once a week. If you want me to keep my hair straight, give me the money to get my hair done. I shouldn't even have to ask you for it. If I have to ask you for it/you don't have it/you argue with me about the money, I'm going for the big chop!"

 

[LocksOfLuV]

That would kind of be like dating and being attracted to a guy with gorgeous dreads and as soon as you married, he chopped them off, saying he was just tired of them...and you were just getting in to them. Just My opinion...but I wonder why women make their "hair preference" a make or break it deal " with their men and are "disappointed" or outraged when the men do the same. This is not aimed at ANYONE Personally ON THIS POST AT ALL. Just curious

EXAAACTLY! I agree with you. It seems like ALL aspects of dating people here make the issue from a woman's perspective a big deal, but expect a man to just 'deal' with women's issues. It's like they expect men to kiss our asses, but never the reverse and that we should never put up with any of their imperfections.

It's ALWAYS like this here. ALWAYS. And I don't know why?!

 

[LocksOfLuV]

Why would it make you sad? I'm genuinely interested.

Don't worry about it. Seriously. You just got married and the last thing you need to be hearing is someone tell you why your man is "sad" and/or filling your head up with negativity about your husband. He is a good man for YOU and that's all that matters. YOU are the one that lay down with him every night, no one else. So what anyone else thinks shouldn't even matter. Especially on an issue about hair. I refuse to let someone tell me my man is "sad" about a hair preference. Not gonna happen .

 

[klassykutie]

I just worked with a light skinned man from New Orleans who wanted to keep "nappy" hair (his words) out of his family, so he never even looked at dating black women who weren't of mixed heritage and really light skin. He turned his nose up at a picture of my husband and asked why I'd want to have kids with him. Where I'm from, almost everybody has color issues.

Lord.....

Sounds like he was mad at your husband cause he got you

You and your husband do make a beautiful couple, despite this man's ignorance.

Everyone has color issues where I am from, too. I can see why he is brain-washed if he is from New Orleans. I am from Louisiana, as well, and my father is a Creole. My dad's family has always been color struck, and my mother barely passed the paper-bag test

 

[missann]

Why would it make you sad? I'm genuinely interested.

Not to speak for mkh, but the sentiment does verbalize self-hatred. Like you said, most have color issues. That's saddening. The co-worker who degraded nappy hair and dark skin voiced a sad commentary. A little girl with nappy hair and/or dark skin and negroid features growing up around that sentiment will likely drift into an "I'm black and ugly" self-image that is often perpetuated by other black folks. Again, that's very sad.

 

[Tenejita10473]

For most women, going natural requires alot of adjustment mentally and socially a man cutting his hair off doesn't really take alot of "brain power" out of him. He doesn't face the social stigma alot of women face from their peers and family who make think that natural hair is unattractive. I find it so odd that our hair is such a deal. White women, dye, perm, bleach, relax their hair and for us to jus rock whut our hair naturally is gets such a backlash. i honestly feel a man who is so grossly opposed to a woman being her real self has issues with himself.

And i hate the word preference when it comes to these issues. If u don;t like what grows out of ur head naturally and HAVE to change it every 8 weeks before the roots get tooo "wavy" theres a problem with that. Really think about it. Everytime ur hair grows and shows a little of itself u undo it with the quickness, like its a disease ur tryna stop from spreading. I see so many beautiful relaxed heads on this bored and they appear to be confident women who jus enjoy having their hair realxed as a a style option and thats cool, cuz it looks good and in some ways relaxed hair can be easier to deal with on a regular basis, however, if thats all it is, a hairstyle, to u or ur man, cool. But judging from some of the comments i've read on here over the years, for some, its a lot deeper than a hairstyle.

Amen Amen Amen

 

[carcajada]

Don't worry about it. Seriously. You just got married and the last thing you need to be hearing is someone tell you why your man is "sad" and/or filling your head up with negativity about your husband. He is a good man for YOU and that's all that matters. YOU are the one that lay down with him every night, no one else. So what anyone else thinks shouldn't even matter. Especially on an issue about hair. I refuse to let someone tell me my man is "sad" about a hair preference. Not gonna happen .

Dang, Locks! Good lookin out! I'm just a busy bee prober, especially when I see certain things. I'm too goofy to take comments on here that seriously. Shucks, in 4 weeks I'll relax my hair and have dh flatiron it w/o giving it a second thought. Then I'll have him help me chop some of those damage areas I told you about....

eta: I think this damage came from my wedding hair style. Plastered with gel like I wanted, but caused more breakage than what it was worth!

 

[carcajada]

Lord.....

Sounds like he was mad at your husband cause he got you

You and your husband do make a beautiful couple, despite this man's ignorance.

Everyone has color issues where I am from, too. I can see why he is brain-washed if he is from New Orleans. I am from Louisiana, as well, and my father is a Creole. My dad's family has always been color struck, and my mother barely passed the paper-bag test

Thanks for the compliment. After the job was over, the guy was still trying to talk to some asian girl. Keep in mind, this man is also only 5'5''. Need I say more?

I went to a prom in LA 8 years ago and was shocked. Here in Texas, I'm considered light skinned. In LA, I'm brown! I was like dang, can people keep these categories straight?

I have to admit, when I go to san fransico and places where they don't seem to care about skin as much as they do here, I'm impressed. Some parts of the country are slowly evolving. But, here, it doesn't matter what shade I am, the lady at the store who wants to watch me shop and ignore her white customers will remind me that I am still black to her. Regardless.

 

[bravenewgirl87]

I just worked with a light skinned man from New Orleans who wanted to keep "nappy" hair (his words) out of his family, so he never even looked at dating black women who weren't of mixed heritage and really light skin. He turned his nose up at a picture of my husband and asked why I'd want to have kids with him. Where I'm from, almost everybody has color issues.

Good looking out. Congrats on the marriage. BTW: I am stay the heck out of this thread and away from you until you get RID of that SIGGY!

AWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!(runs out of thread screaming)

 

[mkh_77]

Don't worry about it. Seriously. You just got married and the last thing you need to be hearing is someone tell you why your man is "sad" and/or filling your head up with negativity about your husband. He is a good man for YOU and that's all that matters. YOU are the one that lay down with him every night, no one else. So what anyone else thinks shouldn't even matter. Especially on an issue about hair. I refuse to let someone tell me my man is "sad" about a hair preference. Not gonna happen .

Actually, I never posted that her man is sad. I never posted anything negative about her husband at all. I wrote that his feelings about natural hair would make me sad. I also posted that that was just my opinion to which I am entitled.

If you are going to instruct other members to ignore my posts, please at least attribute correctly to me/my posts those things you believe should be ignored. You clearly mis-read what I posted.

 

[mkh_77]

Why would it make you sad? I'm genuinely interested.

It would make me sad because in that situation I would feel that he genuinely dislikes and is denying a basic part of who I am, and I would feel encouraged to continually cover up that part of me to keep him happy, which in turn would make me sad.

Again, this is my opinion and I am not writing anything negative about your husband. I want to make this clear for those who didn't get it the first time.

 

[Ayeshia]

Actually, I never posted that her man is sad. I never posted anything negative about her husband at all. I wrote that his feelings about natural hair would make me sad. I also posted that that was just my opinion to which I am entitled.

If you are going to instruct other members to ignore my posts, please at least attribute correctly to me/my posts those things you believe should be ignored. You clearly mis-read what I posted.

thats how I took it as as well...Even if I thought her hubby was indeed sad I wouldnt say that on this board...no reason to cuz we're not married to her she is. So i understood what you were trying to say.

 

[mkh_77]

thats how I took it as as well...Even if I thought her hubby was indeed sad I wouldnt say that on this board...no reason to cuz we're not married to her she is. So i understood what you were trying to say.

Thank you!

 

[carcajada]

Good looking out. Congrats on the marriage. BTW: I am stay the heck out of this thread and away from you until you get RID of that SIGGY!

AWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!(runs out of thread screaming)[/B][/COLOR]

*chases bravenewgirl with siggy .gif and a picture of Rosie O'Donnel*
mm hmm. I remember you, amongst most of the world, don't like Rosie.

 

[carcajada]

thats how I took it as as well...Even if I thought her hubby was indeed sad I wouldnt say that on this board...no reason to cuz we're not married to her she is. So i understood what you were trying to say.

I read her comment as meaning that if her SO said that, it would make her sad. I assumed (because of noticing the responses from natural ladies) that it would be sad because she was natural, but I asked why instead of assuming. My follow up would be: If she were relaxed, would it be as sad to her?

Then I read Lock's comment as a combination of what could/would/has occur(ed) on the board when some people start talking about self hatred and yadda yadda yadda based on one comment. I guess my brain is split.

 

[mkh_77]

I read her comment as meaning that if her SO said that, it would make her sad. I assumed (because of noticing the responses from natural ladies) that it would be sad because she was natural, but I asked why instead of assuming. My follow up would be: If she were relaxed, would it be as sad to her?

Then I read Lock's comment as a combination of what could/would/has occur(ed) on the board when some people start talking about self hatred and yadda yadda yadda based on one comment. I guess my brain is split.

Yes, if my husband made the comment you said yours did, that would make me sad. And, if I were relaxed, and my husband made that same comment, that would still make me sad because I would still see that as a rejection of me at the most basic level. What if I were not always able to relax my hair (if I were relaxed)? What then? Is he going to want to relax our child's hair just because he can't stand natural hair? What kind of message does that send to the child?

As to LocksOfLuV's post, again, she clearly mis-read what I initially posted. Her post in no way speaks to my initial post about how I would feel hearing that comment from my husband.

 

[Ayeshia]

I read her comment as meaning that if her SO said that, it would make her sad. I assumed (because of noticing the responses from natural ladies) that it would be sad because she was natural, but I asked why instead of assuming. My follow up would be: If she were relaxed, would it be as sad to her?

Then I read Lock's comment as a combination of what could/would/has occur(ed) on the board when some people start talking about self hatred and yadda yadda yadda based on one comment. I guess my brain is split.

I get you, I would feel the same way relaxed though. Its not just because Im natural that I would feel that way. Just to know that my hubby would think my hair was an absolute mess 4 weeks post relaxer would make me wonder about why it's bothering him so much. And most importantly how his views be projected on to our children. Would he argue me down to compromise the health of our little girls hair just because he doesnt like to see natural hair?

 

[carcajada]

Yes, if my husband made the comment you said yours did, that would make me sad. And, if I were relaxed, and my husband made that same comment, that would still make me sad because I would still see that as a rejection of me at the most basic level. What if I were not always able to relax my hair (if I were relaxed)? What then?

that's so interesting to me. I think it's more basic to men than it is to us women about hair. It's as if a change in hair will change how attracted they are initially (before they get use to it or if they get use to it). So, to me, these men are just working with the visual. They are not making deep meaningful connections about our hair like some of us do. Okay, let me just speak for dh since not all men are the same.

 

[carcajada]

I agree.

There are so many things that women tend to settle for in men as far as physical attributes, and yet, they trip over things like natural hair. I cut my hair and began transitioning after I met my SO. He didn't warm up to it at first because it was drastic, but he still supported me. He actually likes my big natural hair than my straight hair now.And he has come to appreciate why I did it. My hair before was long, but it was thin and damaged. He tells me he is happy I made that change. So if he didn't like natural looks AT ALL, and this is how I heard him speak before I transitioned I am not sure if he and I would have worked out. It makes me wonder like would you support me if I had cancer and lost all of my hair or something similar to that nature.

I think that SOs that really care about their woman will put medical and other issues in front of their attraction to hair. I asked dh the same question you brought up about cancer (especially since my dad has cancer and lost all his hair).

Me: so what if I had cancer like dad and was bald?
dh: I'd make sure your head was waxed everyday with a nice shine to it.


He doesn't want me to take the fate of my hair into my own hands and drastically cut out what he's attracted to, but you better believe I'd take him up on that head waxing job if I ever was bald!

eta: I just asked this over the phone and now his whole office is wondering what we're talking about.

 

[carcajada]

I get you, I would feel the same way relaxed though. Its not just because Im natural that I would feel that way. Just to know that my hubby would think my hair was an absolute mess 4 weeks post relaxer would make me wonder about why it's bothering him so much. And most importantly how his views be projected on to our children. Would he argue me down to compromise the health of our little girls hair just because he doesnt like to see natural hair?

That's a good point. I think finding out exactly why the guy doesn't like the natural hair look would be important.

I almost got snippy when, on Mother's Day, dh said he didn't want his son to walk around with his hair like "that" (referring to his 1 year old cousin who is in the soft baby afro stage). I was like, "what are you talking about?" At first I thought he had lost his mind, but then he was like, "they need to put some lotion or something on it because it's going everywhere and it looks like his head is sweating." wth? Sometimes it's not as deep as we try to make hair issues be.

 

[camellia]

I think that SOs that really care about their woman will put medical and other issues in front of their attraction to hair. I asked dh the same question you brought up about cancer (especially since my dad has cancer and lost all his hair).

Me: so what if I had cancer like dad and was bald?
dh: I'd make sure your head was waxed everyday with a nice shine to it.


He doesn't want me to take the fate of my hair into my own hands and drastically cut out what he's attracted to, but you better believe I'd take him up on that head waxing job if I ever was bald!

eta: I just asked this over the phone and now his whole office is wondering what we're talking about.

Awwww! True love!

 

[Hidden_Angel]

haha im mad at that waxed clean and shiney!.... aw he luvs you

 

[klassykutie]

I think that SOs that really care about their woman will put medical and other issues in front of their attraction to hair. I asked dh the same question you brought up about cancer (especially since my dad has cancer and lost all his hair).

Me: so what if I had cancer like dad and was bald?
dh: I'd make sure your head was waxed everyday with a nice shine to it.


He doesn't want me to take the fate of my hair into my own hands and drastically cut out what he's attracted to, but you better believe I'd take him up on that head waxing job if I ever was bald!

eta: I just asked this over the phone and now his whole office is wondering what we're talking about.

OOOOOOoooo....I am sorry, I am def. NOT trying to start nothing betwix you and the DH, and at work, either

I can understand where your DH is coming from, because if it is not what he likes, it just isn't. I am assuming you have never been a natural , so of course, it might not sit too well with him. You have beautiful straight hair, and that is just what he is used to. There is nothing wrong with that at all.

I am just one of those "what if" people. I just think about what if I had to do this or that to my physical features, would you like how I look if my features had to be altered?

My SO is not perfect, and I have disagreed with him on many things when it comes to how he prefers I look. I just remind him that until he is sportin a six pack that he needs to leave me be.

 

[Naijaqueen]

My friend's husband loves her natural hair but I know some guys who would go crazy if their wives went natural.

 

[Jada]

My boyfriend is white and encourages me to wear a fro. He's cool with relaxed hair but he loves the afro.

 

[BklynHeart]

My friend's husband loves her natural hair but I know some guys who would go crazy if their wives went natural.

Yep, and even though my hubby doesn't say it he's one of them. When I first met him my hair was mid-back length. Since then, I've cut it to neck-length and now it's arm-pit length but now I'm transitioning, and I'm 4B. I lifted the back of my braids and asked him what kind of hair I got going on back there ('cause I know what his answer was going to be) and he yelled out "K-NAPPY!!". I know if I had 3B hair it wouldn't be a problem at all going natural.