How to spot a NARCISSIST and why you attract them!

How is everyone doing these days?

I have a woman friend at work who divulged that she had been involved with a man for the last six month. She described the hell she had been through and could not understand what she was dealing with at all. As she spoke and I helped her make sense of it all, she cried and said it was as if I was in her relationship and knew him like the back of my hand... I did...all narcs are the same to varying degrees. She was dealing with a straight up narcissist and knew nothing about this devil created personality disorder. I realize that a lot of men and women have no clue about these spawns when they encounter one. I really wish more people would use the internet to educate themselves. I have gained tons of knowledge on these emotional vampires...more than I could ever get otherwise.
Since my talking to her, she has done the research and told me that she feels so much better being able to put a name to the face of this personality disorder. Prior to that she stated that her spirit had been killed off by this relationship.
 
I am doing so much better since I walked away from narcissistic significant other last year. I stopped dating for a while, just to get myself and my head together. I was angry for a long time about this relationship, with myself for putting up with the nonsense for so long, for missing or better yet ignoring the signs. But I am in a much better mental place and it feels good. From what I hear from my friends and family, he is on the warpath to getting my phone number to call me. Everyone that knows the both of us, refuse to give it to him, but I already decided that I could never go back to him. To go back means to re-enter the exact cycle of BS and I can't bring myself to entertain that thought.
 
I'm now confident my ex is a narcissist. All these things describe him so much and I never realized it. He told me he was a great man, he walked away to teach me a lesson, and he repay affection if his woman deserves it. He even called himself needy and demanding. It's all coming to light.

He's already got a new girl he's parading around as his future wife. But they just met 4 weeks ago and a) met the same day we broke up b) started their relationship on a lie and is still lying. It's all you're my queen, I love you, God put you in my life, etc, etc. Gifts and ish. And she feels the same (don't ask how I know all that). I'm embrassed to even say what I've done for him these past years. He really really thinks he's a great guy. I'm like "no way". Oh and he's has a drinking problem/borderline alcoholic. New chick thinks he's been "sick". Oh he's sick alright.

Ugh. Just ugh.
 
God_Favor said:
Being with a narc was like living in hell for me. I never knew what I was going to get..the highs the dreadful lows... the daily blames of his day going bad.... the abusive yelling demanding I listen and threatening looks after I tried to state my point..... always being dismissed...... having to pretend I was happy because he was having a happy moment.... the list could go on forever......
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It ended with me at rock bottom . But , now I'm climbing my way back up!
 
Again, religious or not, I think we can all agree that this personality disorder is created by the devil himself straight out of the depths of hell. It's a special kind of sickness. It doesnt take the victim out right away for what good would that do. In stead it slowly kills. At some point we were all frogs in that lukewarm pot of water.

This is the type of disorder that has the victim seeking therapy to undo the psychological garbage inflicted. You question yourself for months even years sometimes. These freaks of hell will usually manage to mix in some good things to make you ask yourself if you are making a mistake and being too soft or sensitive.

The worst kind of narcisisst male is the man who does provide for his wife/household, a man of his word, gives you anything you want or need. Has a great job, makes good money, has everyone thinking he is so smart and giving. Mixes in enough of his narc tendancies when dealing with others that all they see is , "yeah, he's a great guy, he tells it like it is and some folks need that" ...This way he can rant at you that he is just as real to his friends and family as he is to you. NOT! Just a sick cycle. That type of narc will have you questioning the very essense of your being. BUT....it does end. When you get out of your feelings and into your sensibility...it does END. The tables may not turn becaus narcs rarely care if you bounce...but you will still be free.

In the honorable (yet cringe worthy moment because a baby said it) words of Young Thug's daughter...."a muvvafukkatiiied"
 
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ChasingBliss said:
Again, religious or not, I think we can all agree that this personality disorder is created by the devil himself straight out of the depths of hell. It's a special kind of sickness. It doesnt take the victim out right away for what good would that do. In stead it slowly kills. At some point we were all frogs in that lukewarm pot of water.

This is the type of disorder that has the victim seeking therapy to undo the psychological garbage inflicted. You question yourself for months even years sometimes. These freaks of hell will usually manage to mix in some good things to make you ask yourself if you are making a mistake and being too soft or sensitive.

The worst kind of narcisisst male is the man who does provide for his wife/household, a man of his word, gives you anything you want or need. Has a great job, makes good money, has everyone thinking he is so smart and giving. Mixes in enough of his narc tendancies when dealing with others that all they see is , "yeah, he's a great guy, he tells it like it is and some folks need that" ...This way he can rant at you that he is just as real to his friends and family as he is to you. NOT! Just a sick cycle. That type of narc will have you questioning the very essense of your being. BUT....it does end. When you get out of your feelings and into your sensibility...it does END. The tables may not turn becaus narcs rarely care if you bounce...but you will still be free.

In the honorable (yet cringe worthy moment because a baby said it) words of Young Thug's daughter...."a muvvafukkatiiied"
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This is a great post!
 
Confused: When you are with a narcissist, you just stay CONFUSED.

I read tons and tons of books on narcissism trying to understand the narcissist in my life.

Then I read THIS BOOK, and EVERYTHING made sense. Not only did I understand the narcissist, how he worked, and myself, but I learned why he was the way he was and why less than 1% of narcissist can get real help. Plus: The book didn't put narcissists down but focused on the humanity of everyone involved while mincing no words.

My soul did a DEEEEEEEP exhale while reading it. Gave me all the strength, peace, light, clarity, and power I needed.

Once I learned from this book the type of SUPPLY the narcissist always needs and how he was hunting within me for it . . . Oh, man!

Best definitions, explanations, examples, stories, and advice EVER. I highly suggest it (have bought a few copies for dearly loved women in my life and they have thanked me for years over it.
 
mysblossom said:
Confused: When you are with a narcissist, you just stay CONFUSED.

I read tons and tons of books on narcissism trying to understand the narcissist in my life.

Then I read THIS BOOK, and EVERYTHING made sense. Not only did I understand the narcissist, how he worked, and myself, but I learned why he was the way he was and why less than 1% of narcissist can get real help. Plus: The book didn't put narcissists down but focused on the humanity of everyone involved while mincing no words.

My soul did a DEEEEEEEP exhale while reading it. Gave me all the strength, peace, light, clarity, and power I needed.

Once I learned from this book the type of SUPPLY the narcissist always needs and how he was hunting within me for it . . . Oh, man!

Best definitions, explanations, examples, stories, and advice EVER. I highly suggest it (have bought a few copies for dearly loved women in my life and they have thanked me for years over it.
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Just read a free sample of this book and I will be purchasing. Thanks for sharing it.
 
Two interesting things I learned:
  1. There's a spectrum from "has narcissistic qualities/tendencies" to "has full blown, clinically diagnosable Narcissistic Personality Disorder."
  2. People with NPD can be really, really nice people. Sweet. Helpful. Giving. The person in my life with NPD is absolutely harmful and crazy-making WHILE being super sweet, helpful, and giving. The rules of regular living (you gotta be an adult, don't live off of others, the rules apply to you too) . . . he will likely NEVER truly feel he is not excused from them. Meanwhile, everyone else around him suffers greatly. I mean GREATLY. But he's kind as all get out! CRAZY-MAKING, I tell ya. It's a merry-go-round that is VERY DIFFICULT to notice at first and to get off of. You and everyone else just keeps thinking, "But he's so sweeeeeet." You cannot ask him to be an adult, though! Oh, no! Do that, and you've offended him. How DARE YOU intimate that ANYTHING he does is not okay. Genuinely hurt, this person cannot stop excusing him from responsibilities that all adults must take on, and he is injured when confronted. You feel like you're dealing with a 14-year old. You keep thinking, "Surely this can't be!"
 
Here's something I just read as part of my healing process. I don't have the mental energy right now to go through the back story, but this paragraph resonated with me.
"You have to think back and recall just how uneasy you felt in this relationship, how YOU were continually accepting the negativity that always seemed to be present when you were together. Think about the lies, betrayal, put downs and so many other things that just weren’t normal to a loving relationship. You worked your hardest at rationalizing and justifying this LOVE and continually tried to fix this distorted relationship (love) rather than accepting the truth from your intuition shouting out at you. You STILL keep justifying that it was love and you must have overlooked something or other that could have fixed everything! WHO was making you try so hard to fix this? Who was telling you everything was wrong and it was YOUR fault? Who never put an effort into allowing you to voice normal concerns? Who silenced you over and over again and why? The truth is that this could never have turned out any different than what it did because it was meant to be temporary! What about the new supply and how quickly this Narcissist JUMPED right into that relationship! Where is/was the love that you kept fighting for? It was NEVER there in the first place!"

It was from this link.
 
OneShinyface said:
Here's something I just read as part of my healing process. I don't have the mental energy right now to go through the back story, but this paragraph resonated with me.
"You have to think back and recall just how uneasy you felt in this relationship, how YOU were continually accepting the negativity that always seemed to be present when you were together. Think about the lies, betrayal, put downs and so many other things that just weren’t normal to a loving relationship. You worked your hardest at rationalizing and justifying this LOVE and continually tried to fix this distorted relationship (love) rather than accepting the truth from your intuition shouting out at you. You STILL keep justifying that it was love and you must have overlooked something or other that could have fixed everything! WHO was making you try so hard to fix this? Who was telling you everything was wrong and it was YOUR fault? Who never put an effort into allowing you to voice normal concerns? Who silenced you over and over again and why? The truth is that this could never have turned out any different than what it did because it was meant to be temporary! What about the new supply and how quickly this Narcissist JUMPED right into that relationship! Where is/was the love that you kept fighting for? It was NEVER there in the first place!"

It was from this link.
Click to expand...

Helpful website, @OneShinyface .

Thanks for sharing!
 
Ok I am halfway through this book. Didn't think I could learn anything new after all the research I've done over the years but I did. So far, I got to step into the mind and life of a little narc in the making...how the split occurs.
Fricking Fascinating and depressing to the core. *smh*

My god there is a certain strength of peace in knowledge. I seriously want to do bodily harm to all the women who raise boys into disgusting narcissistic men.
 
ChasingBliss said:
Ok I am halfway through this book. Didn't think I could learn anything new after all the research I've done over the years but I did. So far, I got to step into the mind and life of a little narc in the making...how the split occurs.
Fricking Fascinating and depressing to the core. *smh*

My god there is a certain strength of peace in knowledge. I seriously want to do bodily harm to all the women who raise boys into disgusting narcissistic men.
Click to expand...

Depressing to the CORE isn't it? Smh. My mom read the book straight through. I had to put it down for a while when I was partway through it. I was just THAT SAD about NPD and its effects. That they can hardly RECOVER! Oh! Oy! Oh! Mmmmmmm. SMH.

But yes, you are right: There IS a certain strength of peace in knowledge. I honestly can't IMAGINE my life without having the knowledge in that book. Surely I would have gone bananas by now.

Today I found out that the NPD in my life had constructed yet another fake layer in life to believe in to explain why it is better for him NOT to be a grown up. While it hit me to the CORE to find out, I was able to recover because I just understand EXACTLY what this person's mission in life is now, why it is DISGUSTING to everyone else and not to him, and why he must hold on to the fake life for dear life.

I just get it now. THERE IS NO RESOLUTION HERE. Very, very, very, very sad and depressing and disheartening. At least I know, though. At least I'm not holding out for growth, honesty, adult behavior, and change.
 
mysblossom said:
Depressing to the CORE isn't it? Smh. My mom read the book straight through. I had to put it down for a while when I was partway through it. I was just THAT SAD about NPD and its effects. That they can hardly RECOVER! Oh! Oy! Oh! Mmmmmmm. SMH.

But yes, you are right: There IS a certain strength of peace in knowledge. I honestly can't IMAGINE my life without having the knowledge in that book. Surely I would have gone bananas by now.

Today I found out that the NPD in my life had constructed yet another fake layer in life to believe in to explain why it is better for him NOT to be a grown up. While it hit me to the CORE to find out, I was able to recover because I just understand EXACTLY what this person's mission in life is now, why it is DISGUSTING to everyone else and not to him, and why he must hold on to the fake life for dear life.

I just get it now. THERE IS NO RESOLUTION HERE. Very, very, very, very sad and depressing and disheartening. At least I know, though. At least I'm not holding out for growth, honesty, adult behavior, and change.
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Yes the saddest thing....no resolution. I mean how could there be? If they are constantly changing the script, the story to protect their false selves...YOU will always lose.
 
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ChasingBliss said:
Ok I am halfway through this book. Didn't think I could learn anything new after all the research I've done over the years but I did. So far, I got to step into the mind and life of a little narc in the making...how the split occurs.
Fricking Fascinating and depressing to the core. *smh*

My god there is a certain strength of peace in knowledge. I seriously want to do bodily harm to all the women who raise boys into disgusting narcissistic men.
Click to expand...
Can you elaborate on this a little more? Is this preventable? Is there something that parents are doing wrong?
 
I think I'm going to add that, being the daughter of a narcissist will make you more susceptible to attracting narcissistic mates.

I have had more than my fair share I believe...all because I was always trying to please my mate like I did my narcissistic parent...


Eta ^^^ about women raising narcissistic men, is not necessarily true. Life circumstances can make a narcissist, or a narcissistic or abusive parent can as well.

If you're the child of a narcissistic parent, you actually only have a 50% chance of becoming a narcissist, or you become a victim/martyr....the one perpetually pleasing a narcissist.
 
Thanks for sharing that, @metro_qt.

I'll add:

Some narcissists take advantage of Christians with certain types of beliefs. The narcissist in my life has hit the JACKPOT. Smh. Few in my Christian family can wrap their heads around his behavior, and many indicate that they won't give up on this narc and are in it for the long haul. This is PERFECT information for the NPD. He gets SO MUCH OUT OF THE FAMILY. I watch his mechanisms, and it just FLOORS ME how he can take and take and take . . . and explain away why HE doesn't have to live as an adult like everybody else.

I'm just floored and shaking my head right now at the serious harm this does. It has to be one of the saddest things I've ever experienced. Trying to save my life and future! Your prayers are much appreciated.
 
Jas123 said:
Can you elaborate on this a little more? Is this preventable? Is there something that parents are doing wrong?
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I'm sorry I shouldnt say just women. It could be any significant caregiver who does this to their child. Unfortunately that significant person is also damaged in some way. In this case this little boy's mother withheld validation from her child at a young age. When he was a baby, he'd be crying she didnt know what to do with him so she would put him back in the crib and let him cry until he fell asleep. She thought he was a beautiful child and would often fantasize about him being a movie star and making them rich or something. I'm so overwhelmed right now I dont even think I can explain it right...I copied and pasted a bit of it here. Jody is mom and Brandon the son.

Jody soon noticed that often she could not console Brandon when he cried, which she found very frustrating. She decided that when Brandon cried he needed to stay in his crib, which also allowed her to get things done. Her life was very difficult as a single mother. As time went on, she learned to ignore Brandon’s crying, and thought she had read somewhere that it was good for babies to cry. Many times Brandon cried himself to sleep, and the resulting peace and quiet was like paradise for Jody. Sometimes Jody wondered if she were a good mother, and then concluded that at least she was better than HER mother had been. However, when Jody rocked Brandon and talked about moving to California, Brandon did not cry. Jody felt a special mother-son bond was forming. When Brandon seemed cranky or was asking for attention, he was put in the crib.

When Jody felt lonely and hopeless and trapped, she rocked Brandon. During those times, Brandon instinctively responded to his mother’s nourishing, life-giving attention by smiling and cooing, and he quickly learned that crying would land him in the crib. In essence, Jody did not respond to Brandon’s emotions and needs just as her mother had not responded to Jody’s emotional needs. Nevertheless, Jody grew more attached to Brandon, and she began to see him as an important part of her future. Because his mother did not often comfort Brandon when he cried, he felt abandoned and alone many times during his childhood. His need for nurturing in general was often ignored, and the anxiety and emptiness he felt was more than he could bear. Brandon became desperate in his need to have his mother acknowledge his most basic feelings and comfort him. Jody, preoccupied with her own needs, relied heavily on her parenting technique of ignoring and separating when Brandon became “whiny” or “difficult.” Finally, as a reaction to the repeated emotional neglect, a part of Brandon “shut down” in much the same way that one goes into shock after a trauma. It could be said that the normal stages of child development were interrupted. Brandon was not truly able to trust that the most significant person in his universe recognized him, his feelings, his needs... everything that is a young child’s existence.


Zayn, Cynthia; Dibble M.S., Kevin (2010-11-01). Narcissistic Lovers: How to Cope, Recover and Move On (p. 69). New Horizon Press. Kindle Edition.
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Brandon’s very identity and sense of self would be scarred. The only other significant person left in his universe was himself, so Brandon retreated inward, thwarted in his attempt to “attach” to his mother in any real way. Brandon’s retreat inward could be seen as the first step in “splitting” his identity. This was not just a child becoming more resilient and emotionally self-reliant; it was not a way to cope with feelings of neglect by somehow comforting himself. Those skills do not emerge until a later stage of development. This change required that Brandon deny his true feelings altogether and that he place himself at the center of his universe, where existing alone he could develop ideal, grandiose, and magical fantasies that moved him away from the pain of his emotional neglect, and ever closer to an ideal image of himself. Brandon grew numb to his painful feelings of rejection in much the same way a neglected child in an orphanage eventually stops crying. It could be said that Brandon’s reaction to his trauma essentially re-constructed his personality at that point, and the effects of this splitting would haunt him his entire life. Another important factor in Brandon’s environment shaped his personality development profoundly: he learned that by focusing more and more on his mother’s feelings he was able to receive a special type of attention, for in this relationship of mother and son, the emotional needs of the mother were more important than the emotional needs of the child. His own true feelings now seemed unfamiliar and even strange to him, and his “true self ” became more distant and foreign. Since the expression of Brandon’s “true self ” had frequently led to removal from his mother and placement in the crib, and later his room, a new sense of self began to form. This “false self ” formed around Brandon’s grandiose and magical world in which he was the center. In time, Brandon’s “false self ” became powerful and altered its form in order to receive attention and adoration from his mother. Brandon formed a special identity— an identity that would reinforce his grand and powerful position as the center of his universe. He discovered vast reserves of attention and acceptance from his mother at certain times. That acceptance began at an early age when his mother rocked him and talked about their future together in California. From the time that he could understand them, Brandon heard messages that he was special, and that he was going to make them both rich and famous someday. Brandon’s sense of happiness, his fulfillment and his very identity, were groomed and shaped by his mother. In this family there was no place for feelings that were authentic and true. As a result, Brandon learned to live his life according to his “false self.”

Zayn, Cynthia; Dibble M.S., Kevin (2010-11-01). Narcissistic Lovers: How to Cope, Recover and Move On (pp. 70-71). New Horizon Press. Kindle Edition.
 
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My friend was married to a narc and he always made it seem as though he had such high standards with anything. Well she suspecting him of cheating and she was in denial because the woman that was presented to her by friends was this overweight young girl who no one felt was attractive. So because of his narc behavior and attitude she didn't believe it. Guess...who he was cheating with? Yep...the same one. I told her narcs portray and image but they will take attention from ANYONE!
 
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So I found a free book for download about NPD. I thought only my daughter's father was the only narcissist in my life. I got into it with my mother's wife and realized after all these years she is a narcissist. She fits what I was reading in this book so far. I knew she was controlling but after a three hour long debate with her I now realize it is way more than that. Not only that but I fed into her oon many different parts of the conversation which I know were gratifying for her. My mother has this attraction to these types. My father was one. Unfortunately I can't save her. I need to deal with my own life. My mother has also become non caring for me and my daughter and only showing care to her wife's family. I can deal with this but I refused to let my daughter be subject to this. It is sad these types will probably never realize what they are doing and seek help.

Now I know why I was kicked out when I was accepted to nursing school. No one can be "better" than the narcissist.
 
mysblossom said:
This article is a short read and identifies some of the tricky things narcissist say and how to DECODE them.

SMH. Sigh.

http://letmereach.com/2015/09/23/sh...s-of-narcissists-and-other-cheaters-and-users
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Those are interesting. Seems like all of those sayings are what most people say in dead end relationships and don't necessarily a narcissist make. Or maybe she is talking about narcissists and not NPD?

eta: the author seems to think anyone who is emotionally unavailable is a narcissist, which varies extremely from what clinical term defines one as and also what many are describing here. i looked at her education and she only has a bachelors of education- nowhere near the criterion to diagnose behavior or pathology. seems like she's saying any type of unwanted behavior = narcissist abuse :confused:. that's a very...ehhh where did she get that from?:eek::eek: how much money is she making off people lol.
 
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abcd09 said:
Those are interesting. Seems like all of those sayings are what most people say in dead end relationships and don't necessarily a narcissist make. Or maybe she is talking about narcissists and not NPD?

eta: the author seems to think anyone who is emotionally unavailable is a narcissist, which varies extremely from what clinical term defines one as and also what many are describing here. i looked at her education and she only has a bachelors of education- nowhere near the criterion to diagnose behavior or pathology. seems like she's saying any type of unwanted behavior = narcissist abuse :confused:. that's a very...ehhh where did she get that from?:eek::eek: how much money is she making off people lol.
Click to expand...

My apologies! I didn't check her credentials before sharing her link. She doesn't sound, from what you wrote, highly qualified.
 
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