How to spot a NARCISSIST and why you attract them!

[doriannc]

So an update. Just like clockwork, I got my stuff a few months back and what happens, he starts texting me again as if there was never a problem. He still isn't my Facebook friend.

I have moved on to some really awesome. But I guess my ex found because he updated his profile pic with a girl in it and started commenting on all of our mutual friends statuses.

He still keep on texting me. I would purposely be short and distant with responding. I saw that when I sent a text, he would answer within 1 or 2 minutes. I would took my time. Then I finally asked what was up, if he was dating and stuff. He said, he's dating a 21 year old because younger girls are easier to train. Ugh. Lol. Yep don't miss him at all.

 

[ChasingBliss]

So an update. Just like clockwork, I got my stuff a few months back and what happens, he starts texting me again as if there was never a problem. He still isn't my Facebook friend.

I have moved on to some really awesome. But I guess my ex found because he updated his profile pic with a girl in it and started commenting on all of our mutual friends statuses.

He still keep on texting me. I would purposely be short and distant with responding. I saw that when I sent a text, he would answer within 1 or 2 minutes. I would took my time. Then I finally asked what was up, if he was dating and stuff. He said, he's dating a 21 year old because younger girls are easier to train. Ugh. Lol. Yep don't miss him at all.

That poor young girl. When and I do mean WHEN she comes out of that relationship she will have a hellafied story to tell to somebody and a lot of mental undoing to deal with.

 

[doriannc]

That poor young girl. When and I do mean WHEN she comes out of that relationship she will have a hellafied story to tell to somebody and a lot of mental undoing to deal with.

I remember when I was 21 and naive. I told him to take care of her and don't hurt her. He's not worth the time. But of course he's cute and has money soo...

 

[ArrrBeee]

It hurt my head and heart to read this thread. I was married to one for 13 years and it almost destroyed me. There were so many times that I just wanted to end it all.

He used my Christianity against me and I really tried to make it work because I thought that it was the biblical thing to do. I decided to call it what it was, abuse. Then and only then, did I have the peace to leave.

I was so confused during these years. There was so much that I had to block out for the sake of my sanity.

I had a caretaking personality and I tried to make life easy for him. All that did was make my life hell.

I have been divorced for 5 years and I couldn't be happier. I look younger, my self esteem is where it should be and I have peace that surpasses all understanding.

I cut off all contact with him, only for him to show up at my job 2 years later. He was trying to leave a note on my car and I just happened to be leaving early. As I talked to him through the passenger side window, I listened to the crap excuses he was giving so that he could reestablish contact. He was kind of bending down as we talked. I didn't realize it but what he was doing was taking off his wedding band (yes, he found another victim who was sucked in by the big house and his job). I felt bile rise up in my throat at the fact that I spent my youth with this man. I really wish that I would have left sooner but I know that I left when I was strong enough.

Please ladies, if you see the red flags, don't ignore them. Keep your mouth shut, cut off all contact and peace out. ASAP. He was so charming and well spoken and seemed like a dream come true. Looking back, it was doomed and had we not moved in together (I wasn't a Christian then) I wouldn't have felt compelled to try and make it work.

 

[levette]

That's why we women have to use intuition and gut feelings if you know it ain't right end it.. And don't ever go back...then don't allow yourself to be abused emotionally or physically... It will kill your spirit unless you are very strong person.. I'm scared my son may end up being a narcissist or attracting a narcissist to his life.... Being single is not always the worst option

 

[Kindheart]

Ok ladies I need your help here ,can you tell me if these are signs of narc?
Very charming ,wants to start a relationship straight away ,talks about marriage on the first date ,very physically fit and vain, has tons of shirtless pics of himself ,comments on people s body (occasionally). Very into health . Extremely romantic from the get go and overall intense,say allthe right things ,wants to hold hands on first date ,says everything I need he ll give .

 

[Bublin]

Ok ladies I need your help here ,can you tell me if these are signs of narc?
Very charming ,wants to start a relationship straight away ,talks about marriage on the first date ,very physically fit and vain, has tons of shirtless pics of himself ,comments on people s body (occasionally). Very into health . Extremely romantic from the get go and overall intense,say allthe right things ,wants to hold hands on first date ,says everything I need he ll give .

Yes, those are narc signs. Very intense, doing all of what he knows a woman wants. Stick around and he'll say or doing something that will totally contradict the behaviour he's displaying right now.

 

[Kindheart]

Re: How to spot a NARCISSIST and why you attract them!d

Yes, those are narc signs. Very intense, doing all of what he knows a woman wants. Stick around and he'll say or doing something that will totally contradict the behaviour he's displaying right now.

Thank you Bublin ,I kinda figured it was too good to be true *deep sigh * he also kept pointing out how men were looking at me ,like I m some sort of trophy.


He was so amazing

 

[mensa]

Kindheart,

Three words: RUN, RUN, RUN!

Escape now before you start rationalizing why you should be involved with him.

I literally had to fast, pray, and go to therapy to get free from mine.

I was at his home visiting while he was on the phone ranting and raving with a lady at the utility company. (He was always very courteous with men, but rude and course with women, unless they were cute). Anyway, he broke out into his usual filibuster with her. All of a sudden I hear him say, "Hello," hello."
She hung up on him. I started teasing him that he talked so long that the lady hung up on him. Know what he said? "She hung up on both of us cause you heard her talking too."

 

[Bublin]

After all the experience I have with Narcs...I realised I met another one.
I'm so dumb.
Today I ended a short 4 month relationship and actually feel really good about it.

At one point this guy went into a rage, a complete rage. He left 4 consecutive voicemails cussing me out, shouting. I was in shock and it was over something that he said and I just wanted to get on with my working day and told him I would call him later that day to talk, when I had calmed down. Nope, he wanted it all in his time. Telling me to just over it so we can 'get on with it'.

The writing was on the wall from the beginning plus he had the usual thing that I tend to attract - no parents. His mum died when he was a baby and his dad didn't care. He was raised my his grandma but she died when he was 13. His uncle took over but he was a very difficult, annoying kid (his own words) and they didn't really love him, just took care of him.
Why do I always attract this kind of guy????

 

[Kindheart]

So we chatted tonight and he s talking about having children ...and he's going to make THIS RELATIONSHIP work! Oh my we only we out once ! Great date and great conversations BUT he seems a bit desperate for some sort of "supply" ,I almost feel like he s saying things expecting to say the same Back .

 

[Bublin]

So we chatted tonight and he s talking about having children ...and he's going to make THIS RELATIONSHIP work! Oh my we only we out once ! Great date and great conversations BUT he seems a bit desperate for some sort of "supply" ,I almost feel like he s saying things expecting to say the same Back .

Girl, I'm proud that you recognised and are asking about it now.
None of that is normal. My daughters dad said the exact same things and well...he's crazy and an ex.

The guy I just split up with said similar and well, he's crazy and an ex.

 

[Mitre]

What Attracts Narcissists www.createhealthylove.com
2. Attracting narcissists is one of the most common toxic patterns I see in my coaching practice. There are certain traits that magnetize narcissists towards us.
3. I’m going to briefly outline 3 common traits that attract narcissists. More detail at www.createhealthylove.com
4. The first trait that attracts narcissists: ● Being quick to give people the benefit of the doubt. ● Nice trait to have, but overrated.
5. ● When we give people the benefit of the doubt, we create a story about them ● Be neutral and allow people space to show true selves. ● Can then decide whether to stay or leave
6. Second trait that attracts narcissists: ● Being an emotional caretaker. ● Feeling responsible for other people’s emotional well-being.
7. ● Taking responsibility for fixing their problems. ● Not allowing them to feel any negative feelings ● Thinking it’s your job to make everything better for them
8. Narcissists expect emotional catering, so having this trait means you’re aligning yourself up for attracting a narcissistic partner.
9. The third trait that attracts narcissists: Being raised by narcissistic parents One or both parents were narcissists
10. ● From childhood, you were trained to believe only other people’s needs matter ● Not your place to have needs ● Take responsibility for meeting other people’s expectations, no matter how unreasonable
11. ● Believing your own needs and expectations, no matter how basic, are a massive imposition on others. ● Trained to meet other people’s needs, while being allowed to have none of your own
12. For more information on how to recognize and avoid toxic people, as well as how to overcome unhealthy relationship patterns, please visit: www.createhealthylove.com

 

[kweenameena]

We always talk about the narcissist not having empathy but ladies beware. The ex narc came back around and was talking all empathetic like. I almost thought he had become soft. I mean he said and was trying to do everything contrary to what narcs do.
He started being apologetic to people (and me).
He had seemingly become introspective.
He seemed patient.
He seemed amazingly different.

But when it came down to it....the facade didn't last.
I was almost fooled again.

But see the way my self-esteem is now set up.....

 

[kweenameena]

I want to share this here with you all since you all know some of my struggles with my momma.
Not sure if you all remember when I cut her off last year after she was driving recklessly and under the influence with my daughter.

Well, she has been through a lot of ups and downs since then and she is now walking away from her home. She's about 8 months behind. I hate that she's losing her home because her mortgage is much cheaper than the cost of renting a one-bedroom apartment. Plus the area she's in is building up like crazy and I feel like she's screwing herself. I don't have the money to get her caught up. Plus, I'm angry that she and my 2 adult brothers couldn't afford the mortgage. If I told you all how ridiculously cheap her mortgage is, you'd think I was lying.

I'm the oldest and always the savior. I'm trying to stay out of that role and mind my business. But it's hard to see my mother in such a difficult situation. But she's very toxic to me. She doesn't want to seem to help herself. So now she's abandoning her home and living with her girlfriend.

Please remind me to mind my business in spite of the fact that she's my mother.

 

[Layluh]

I want to share this here with you all since you all know some of my struggles with my momma. Not sure if you all remember when I cut her off last year after she was driving recklessly and under the influence with my daughter. Well, she has been through a lot of ups and downs since then and she is now walking away from her home. She's about 8 months behind. I hate that she's losing her home because her mortgage is much cheaper than the cost of renting a one-bedroom apartment. Plus the area she's in is building up like crazy and I feel like she's screwing herself. I don't have the money to get her caught up. Plus, I'm angry that she and my 2 adult brothers couldn't afford the mortgage. If I told you all how ridiculously cheap her mortgage is, you'd think I was lying. I'm the oldest and always the savior. I'm trying to stay out of that role and mind my business. But it's hard to see my mother in such a difficult situation. But she's very toxic to me. She doesn't want to seem to help herself. So now she's abandoning her home and living with her girlfriend. Please remind me to mind my business in spite of the fact that she's my mother.

Can you take over the payments and the deed?

 

[kweenameena]

I've considered that. But it would be hell trying to convince her that it's no longer her place. She'd try to at least rent a room because it has 5 bedrooms.
Also, I'm sure they would make me pay the past due amount. And I'm not ready to take over that much.

 

[Layluh]

I wuold try to negotiate with her and the bank, since the area around the house is rising in value. It's something that could really set you up for life if you can pull that off with them. And you can sell it in a few years and give a (small) cut to your mom. I mean, if she gon walk away from the house- at least get some money in the process to go on a nice vacation or something. Don't let her be stupid. Narcissists are selfish, just frame it in a way that gets her what she wants.

Is there anything that she wants? I would just come to her and be like look, I know you want this car, a lifetime supply of liquor, or whatever it is she wants. I'll take over the payments, we'll sell it in a few years so that you can have what you want. Don't talk about any of the benefits that you might get out of it though.


is it unbearable living with her if she rents a room? I'm completely unfamiliar with your situation and homeownership though so I may be way off base here.

 

[Katrice]

I want to share this here with you all since you all know some of my struggles with my momma. Not sure if you all remember when I cut her off last year after she was driving recklessly and under the influence with my daughter. Well, she has been through a lot of ups and downs since then and she is now walking away from her home. She's about 8 months behind. I hate that she's losing her home because her mortgage is much cheaper than the cost of renting a one-bedroom apartment. Plus the area she's in is building up like crazy and I feel like she's screwing herself. I don't have the money to get her caught up. Plus, I'm angry that she and my 2 adult brothers couldn't afford the mortgage. If I told you all how ridiculously cheap her mortgage is, you'd think I was lying. I'm the oldest and always the savior. I'm trying to stay out of that role and mind my business. But it's hard to see my mother in such a difficult situation. But she's very toxic to me. She doesn't want to seem to help herself. So now she's abandoning her home and living with her girlfriend. Please remind me to mind my business in spite of the fact that she's my mother.

Sorry your mother and brothers have allowed this to happen. But, it's not your responsibility. For your own sake - mind your business. No good will come out of this for you.

 

[Layluh]

Not sure if you all remember when I cut her off last year after she was driving recklessly and under the influence with my daughter.

Oh see...i completely skipped over this part on my phone earlier. Yeah err good luck OP.

 

[Country gal]

Let me ask you ladies ,how was your narci at the beginning?

Kindheart- He had issues with Alcohol. He gave me a sob story about wanting to change. He gave me a lot of attention. He didn't like for me to hug other people and was very jealous.

 

[awhyley]

If I told you all how ridiculously cheap her mortgage is, you'd think I was lying. [sic] But it's hard to see my mother in such a difficult situation. But she's very toxic to me.

Please remind me to mind my business in spite of the fact that she's my mother.

IT'S YOUR MOTHER'S LIFE, MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!!!

She created her own mess, its not your responsibility to bail her (or your brothers) out. Sounds like she likes to create drama, (for other people to fix). You have your own family to consider; she needs to learn her own life lessons. Her girlfriend will get tired of her soon enough and she'll have to buck up and get it together. You have your own struggles and shouldn't have to devote money, time or energy to her foolishness.

Can you take over the payments and the deed?

Why should she? Personally, I would let them let the bank take it, buy it and then rent it to the mother through a property management company or something. She would make excuses to someone else, like she would if she knew the daughter owned it.

Oh see...i completely skipped over this part on my phone earlier. Yeah err good luck OP.

eta: Exactly.

 

[BK Bombshell]

Sorry your mother and brothers have allowed this to happen. But, it's not your responsibility. For your own sake - mind your business. No good will come out of this for you.

IT'S YOUR MOTHER'S LIFE, MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!!!

She created her own mess, its not your responsibility to bail her (or your brothers) out. Sounds like she likes to create drama, (for other people to fix). You have your own family to consider; she needs to learn her own life lessons. Her girlfriend will get tired of her soon enough and she'll have to buck up and get it together. You have your own struggles and shouldn't have to devote money, time or energy to her foolishness.

Quoting for emphasis.

kweenameena
Your mother and brothers - assuming your brothers are grown - are three adults could not or would not get enough money together to pay what you say is a ridiculously low mortgage. That's not your problem. You have a daughter to take care of and I promise you, they will just drain you if you let them. People like that always find others to live off so don't worry about them. Focus on your own healing, stay strong and be a good example for your daughter of how to NOT be codependent. Your mom sounds a bit toxic and you dealing with the house situation will be inviting her back into your life to create more chaos. If you want the house, buy it after it's been foreclosed, but do not allow any of them to live there under any circumstances.

 

[DarkJoy]

I want to share this here with you all since you all know some of my struggles with my momma.
Not sure if you all remember when I cut her off last year after she was driving recklessly and under the influence with my daughter.

Well, she has been through a lot of ups and downs since then and she is now walking away from her home. She's about 8 months behind.

But she's very toxic to me. She doesn't want to seem to help herself. So now she's abandoning her home and living with her girlfriend.

Please remind me to mind my business in spite of the fact that she's my mother.

Wait.

I cant believe that folk suggest you help with the house.

SHE COULD HAVE KILLED YOUR DAUGHTER. AND SOMEONE ELSE!!

Shes not just toxic to you. Shes toxic to your family!

Will you put your daughter's child at risk of death like that in the future? Can you even fathom that? Thats the end of the line for me. I would never have spoken to her again.

Id let her and her house rot. kweenameena

 

[kweenameena]

Thank you ladies. I often struggle with feeling obligated to take care of her and be loyal to her because she birthed me. I can't lie, it's hard to see her struggle. But 3 adults shouldn't need me to save them. If I were living with her (instead of my brothers) she would have surely made me pay the mortgage myself. In fact, at one point, she asked me to move home and me and my daughter would take 2 of the 5 bedrooms but she wanted to charge me her full mortgage so she could "do what she wanted with her life". Meanwhile my brothers would have been loving there and paying nothing.

Sometimes I think I'm afraid of being as successful as I'd like to be out of fear of being obligated to take care of her. Because then, I wouldn't be able to say I couldn't afford to do so. It's amazing the mental blocks that happen from childhood because of narc parents.

 

[awhyley]

at one point, she asked me to move home and me and my daughter would take 2 of the 5 bedrooms but she wanted to charge me her full mortgage so she could "do what she wanted with her life". Meanwhile my brothers would have been loving there and paying nothing.

Good lord Some women truly love their sons and raise their daughters. She's probably the main reason that your brothers haven't taken any action steps in life. They feel that you and your mothers should bail them out of every scrape.

Sometimes I think I'm afraid of being as successful as I'd like to be out of fear of being obligated to take care of her.

Nah, you be as successful as you wanna be, don't let them hold you back. You're not obligated to be anyone's 401k. You have a daughter of your own to raise, to be a better example for and you need to be your best self for her.

 

[snugglez41685]

I had no idea where I should post this so I am posting it here. My narcissist ex's new girlfriend started working at my job. This is uncomfortable and doesn't feel right. Both of them knew I worked here so why would she try to get a job there? Then about a week later he shows up to the job to "pick her up." This made me very uncomfortable because he was also physically abusive as well. It broke my heart because he doesn't put this much effort into seeing our daughter. Through out this whole ordeal I have been very professional and cordial. I just know something is behind all of this.

 

[ChasingBliss]

I had no idea where I should post this so I am posting it here. My narcissist ex's new girlfriend started working at my job. This is uncomfortable and doesn't feel right. Both of them knew I worked here so why would she try to get a job there? Then about a week later he shows up to the job to "pick her up." This made me very uncomfortable because he was also physically abusive as well. It broke my heart because he doesn't put this much effort into seeing our daughter. Through out this whole ordeal I have been very professional and cordial. I just know something is behind all of this.

Yes, stay vigilant but act natural. I dont trust that mess either.

 

[kweenameena]

Update: The woman who birthed me saw that I'm now making art and doing art shows. My uncle sent her a pic of me at an art event. So she said, "oh, I know why she's not talking to me. She's trying to get skinnier so she can come back and flaunt it in my face when she has finished losing her weight". The angle of camera makes me look skinnier in the pic.
Ummm, no ****. You're the spawn of satan and you almost killed my d*mn daughter. Ugh.

 

[Smiley79]

@londontresses Thank you so much for this thread...I really enjoyed the video and it almost brought me to tears realizing the type of individuals I tend to attract. It starts with me in order to put an end to this pattern. Thanks again.