How to spot a NARCISSIST and why you attract them!

Layluh said:
Doubt it. I've been working hard at being as unappealing as possible- letting my mustache grow out, not cooking/cleaning at all etc. "Today he came home & said I have an idea for what you can do in november. Maybe you can live with your aunt & collect unemployment while working on your career switch." He said it very calmly almost kinda soft. no snark or anger in his voice. I think that was his way of telling me to shove it lol. I was like "yeah...that's an option." In my head I was like negro I'm already 10 steps ahead of you ***. I'm just trying to have a peaceful divorce at this point.
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Good, he knows it is inevitable then. Glad he's not trying any and everything to maintain control. Happy for you, take time and heal. Your going to love life without all the extra!!
 
Lately "soon to be ex" and I have been getting along cordially. I WAS in a place I could see him without getting angry. Last week I ask if he could look for some files (remember i moved out) I needed and he said "sure". This friday he called and asked a favor....wanted to know if i had money to buy our youngest slacks and shirt to go to church I said sure. I then asked if he found the files he said no. I asked he mined if i came by the next day to look for them because i knew they were there. He said

Him: We'll see
me: what's the issue
him: You said if we aren't talking about the kids we have nothing to talk about"
I call him because at this time I'm heated
me: What does me coming over there have to do with me talking to you. We don't have to say one word to each other while i look for my files!

He said something but at this point i was so fired up i can't remember what it was. I proceed to say...

ME: "so you can't do me the favor of allowing me to look for my files but you want me to do you a favor and buy clothes for our son because YOU are the one wanting him to go to church?"

Him: "Eyunka if you don't want to buy the clothes then don't"
me: Cool then don't come and get the money"

i hung up!!! Don't worry i will have the police at the house so i can get my records. A-hole
 
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You are giving your ex narcissistic supply ( attention) the more attention you give him the more narcissistic supply he will want. If I were you I would
1. collect all of my tangible item from his place, and I mean all of it, so that the above conversation will never occur again.
2. Get a third party involve so that if not all then most conversations are done through the third party. Example email, grand mother, courts, lawyer etc
3. Energetically you Are giving him narcissistic supply by thinking about him and writing about his action on this board. I know this may not make sense but on an atomic scale you are transferring energy thus giving him narcissistic supply.

Bottom line is you have to cut all contact. He will use the children against you know that understand it and move forward. If you stop giving him the drug he crave he will go elsewhere.

Melanie tonia website is an excellent place to start. She believe in the metaphysical world and associates narcissism with the need for energy.

Stop feed the beast.
 
Talked with my ex today about the house. He keeps telling me that I haven't learned my lessen. :lol: I've released everything to the universe, and now I have a date with someone new.
 
What I find odd is that they say Narcs are selfish and don't care about others. The one I knew had loads of friends that he would go to the moon and back for. Even though they never reciprocated his depth of friendship. I mean was loyal to them being childhood friends the whole nine. BUT...the man was so detached from flesh and blood it was ridiculous! He would give his last dollar to one of his boys but walk past a guy on the street in need and never look his way. So that definition is somewhat flawed!
 
He probably did all those things looking for approval or felt that without actually doing something for someone HE wasn't worthy.

On another note, I'm wondering if this narc thing is more complicated than it appears and that some folks labeled as such aren't really narcs just something else like .....arsehole maybe?
 
syze6 said:
What I find odd is that they say Narcs are selfish and don't care about others. The one I knew had loads of friends that he would go to the moon and back for. Even though they never reciprocated his depth of friendship. I mean was loyal to them being childhood friends the whole nine. BUT...the man was so detached from flesh and blood it was ridiculous! He would give his last dollar to one of his boys but walk past a guy on the street in need and never look his way. So that definition is somewhat flawed!
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Yes, he wants to maintain a facade with the outside folks who dont really know WHO he is (even those who have been his friends for years). He wants to be able to say, "See, you think Im f'd up but my friends love me" --trust me I know what I'm talking about lol.

Family/wife KNOWS your ***, you cannot fool them. So you give them the worst you possible..
 
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ChasingBliss said:
Yes, he wants to maintain a facade with the outside folks who dont really know WHO he is (even those who have been his friends for years). He wants to be able to say, "See, you think Im f'd up but my friends love me" --trust me I know what I'm talking about lol.

Family/wife KNOWS your ***, you cannot fool them. So you give them the worst you possible..
Click to expand...

You may be right, because everyone thought he was the kindest, sweetest, funniest, charming person in the world. His women coworkers would comment on how all the good ones were taken. No one had ONE bad thing to say about him. Behind closed doors he was a condescending, hot and cold, a$$hole. I literally got the the point, I no longer liked him as a person.

His friends could ALWAYS count on him for ANYTHING! It seemed when it came to those closest to him, he could care less about coming through. It was really strange to see how he could be so uncaring about his relationship with loved ones, but care so much about his friends. I mean his phone would constantly ring off the hook with guys wanting to hang and kick it. Then when the guys would go distant, it seemed he would actually get down about it. The man literally would be depressed if the friends he would do so much for would go distant. I'm like they have lives they are living outside of you. It seemed to bother him a lot. He could hurt his loved one and not apologize, but would be so willing to apologize if an outsider thought he had offended them! Very...strange person.
 
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^^^ the funniest and saddest thing of all is watching them empathize with a friend while knowing that if YOU had the same issue they'd be calling you all kinds of dumb and stupid for putting yourself through that. Because you know everything you experience (especially from them) is all YOUR fault.
 
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A narc can be from either side of the spectrum. Same thing just opposite extremes.

Wait, be positive, keep believing, and all will surely be yours. Sent from my iPhone using LHCF
 
I had to revisit this thread because my ex-narc really hurt me verbally. Like a dolt I have an inch and he took the entire solar system! The funny thing about him is that he is compassionate towards everyone but me. I could tell him something troublesome and I was an idiot BUT if it was someone else he would do carry them on his back if he could. He really did a number on me. It's as if my brain hurts.
 
I don't want to say much, but I was dating a narcissist about 3 years ago. The mini relationship lasted about 4 months. It started very fast. He was charming, sweet, caring, talking about marriage etc. The guy came on strong and acted like he adored me. Then got possessive....He called me 20 times a day and wanted to know all of my whereabouts. He attempted to separate me from my family and tried to consume all of my time. He then began to belittle me. He told me to cut my hair because it was too long, and Black men don't like women with long hair. I weigh 130 pounds and he began to call me fat. He told me that I had nothing to bring to the table. He became angry quickly. One day, I arrived at his house late and I looked at his eyes and I saw the devil and he twisted my arm! That day I went home and never came back. I blocked numbers, social media pages, etc.... 1 year later he called me from a new number and asked me where did I move too...I hung that phone up, blocked the # and never looked back.
The guy and his best friend were arguing at his house.....His best friend gave me a warning that day.... He said "one day you are going to see how mean and selfish he really is".

At that time I was working, in school, and lonely, so it was easy for me to fall for him. Within that short time (4 months) he did some damage to me. My self esteem was drained further....But I recovered.


The best way to avoid dating NARCISSIST is to keep your self esteem high, love yourself, and know your self worth. Narcissist are attracted to weaker individuals because they are easier to control.
 
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eyunka said:
Lately "soon to be ex" and I have been getting along cordially. I WAS in a place I could see him without getting angry. Last week I ask if he could look for some files (remember i moved out) I needed and he said "sure". This friday he called and asked a favor....wanted to know if i had money to buy our youngest slacks and shirt to go to church I said sure. I then asked if he found the files he said no. I asked he mined if i came by the next day to look for them because i knew they were there. He said

Him: We'll see
me: what's the issue
him: You said if we aren't talking about the kids we have nothing to talk about"
I call him because at this time I'm heated
me: What does me coming over there have to do with me talking to you. We don't have to say one word to each other while i look for my files!

He said something but at this point i was so fired up i can't remember what it was. I proceed to say...

ME: "so you can't do me the favor of allowing me to look for my files but you want me to do you a favor and buy clothes for our son because YOU are the one wanting him to go to church?"

Him: "Eyunka if you don't want to buy the clothes then don't"
me: Cool then don't come and get the money"

i hung up!!! Don't worry i will have the police at the house so i can get my records. A-hole
Click to expand...

Why does this sound just like conversations I would have with my daughter's father! We had this issue over my maternity pictures I paid for which he still has. Our convo was similar. After awhile I said screw the pics, I have the child and many more years with her.
 
greenmetro99 said:
I don't want to say much, but I was dating a narcissist about 3 years ago. The mini relationship lasted about 4 months. It started very fast. He was charming, sweet, caring, talking about marriage etc. The guy came on strong and acted like he adored me. Then got possessive....He called me 20 times a day and wanted to know all of my whereabouts. He attempted to separate me from my family and tried to consume all of my time. He then began to belittle me. He told me to cut my hair because it was too long, and Black men don't like women with long hair. I weigh 130 pounds and he began to call me fat. He told me that I had nothing to bring to the table. He became angry quickly. One day, I arrived at his house late and I looked at his eyes and I saw the devil and he twisted my arm! That day I went home and never came back. I blocked numbers, social media pages, etc.... 1 year later he called me from a new number and asked me where did I move too...I hung that phone up, blocked the # and never looked back.
The guy and his best friend were arguing at his house.....His best friend gave me a warning that day.... He said "one day you are going to see how mean and selfish he really is".

At that time I was working, in school, and lonely, so it was easy for me to fall for him. Within that short time (4 months) he did some damage to me. My self esteem was drained further....But I recovered.

The best way to avoid dating NARCISSIST is to keep your self esteem high, love yourself, and know your self worth. Narcissist are attracted to weaker individuals because they are easier to control.
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So sorry you went through this. And high self esteem is exactly what is needed. Thanks for sharing :)
 
idk why but when my bf broke up with me this week....and after crying and crying and such, and now accepting it....i think he was a narc as well. Did a number on me and while I was heartbroken we broke up, I'm kind of relieved because now I see all the GLARING RED FLAGS that should have made me leave a long time ago.
 
This thread is deep and I wish I had known about this in the 90's when I was single....its mentally draining to be with a narcissist you have to create your own joy and happiness because they put you down 99% of the time to lower your self esteem and break your spirit.. Only prayer makes things bearable...your only relief is to be away from them.. I wouldn't wish a narcissist on anybody I know firsthand the hell you go through
 
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I haven't been here in awhile and haven't read through all the posting so forgive me if this has been posted before. I just came this book (I swear I think they wrote this book about me) Stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist: How to end the drama and get on with life

Although I have been seperated from my estranged husband for almost a year. I still possess what i now know to be "caretakers personality disorder" and is spilling over in other aspects of my life. I thought i had codependency issues, not the case at all. I'm not even half way finished with the book but has definietly opened my eyes. Reading you guys post gave me affirmation i wasn't alone in the crazy rollercoaster narcissist can take you on, this book explains in detail how, why you are a caretaker and how to correct the problem. I highly recommend this book. Its a wonderful read
 
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eyunka
It's funny you posted this because I was just about to make a post saying it would be helpful to focus more energy on why some people attract and engage with narcissists. The why and how to heal or fix that would be very helpful in moving on and moving forward. Congrats to you for leaving and on continuing to heal.
 
syze6 said:
What I find odd is that they say Narcs are selfish and don't care about others. The one I knew had loads of friends that he would go to the moon and back for. Even though they never reciprocated his depth of friendship. I mean was loyal to them being childhood friends the whole nine. BUT...the man was so detached from flesh and blood it was ridiculous! He would give his last dollar to one of his boys but walk past a guy on the street in need and never look his way. So that definition is somewhat flawed!
Click to expand...

ChasingBliss said:
Yes, he wants to maintain a facade with the outside folks who dont really know WHO he is (even those who have been his friends for years). He wants to be able to say, "See, you think Im f'd up but my friends love me" --trust me I know what I'm talking about lol.

Family/wife KNOWS your ***, you cannot fool them. So you give them the worst you possible..
Click to expand...

syze6 said:
You may be right, because everyone thought he was the kindest, sweetest, funniest, charming person in the world. His women coworkers would comment on how all the good ones were taken. No one had ONE bad thing to say about him. Behind closed doors he was a condescending, hot and cold, a$$hole. I literally got the the point, I no longer liked him as a person.

His friends could ALWAYS count on him for ANYTHING! It seemed when it came to those closest to him, he could care less about coming through. It was really strange to see how he could be so uncaring about his relationship with loved ones, but care so much about his friends. I mean his phone would constantly ring off the hook with guys wanting to hang and kick it. Then when the guys would go distant, it seemed he would actually get down about it. The man literally would be depressed if the friends he would do so much for would go distant. I'm like they have lives they are living outside of you. It seemed to bother him a lot. He could hurt his loved one and not apologize, but would be so willing to apologize if an outsider thought he had offended them! Very...strange person.
Click to expand...

ChasingBliss said:
^^^ the funniest and saddest thing of all is watching them empathize with a friend while knowing that if YOU had the same issue they'd be calling you all kinds of dumb and stupid for putting yourself through that. Because you know everything you experience (especially from them) is all YOUR fault.
Click to expand...

greenmetro99 said:
I don't want to say much, but I was dating a narcissist about 3 years ago. The mini relationship lasted about 4 months. It started very fast. He was charming, sweet, caring, talking about marriage etc. The guy came on strong and acted like he adored me. Then got possessive....He called me 20 times a day and wanted to know all of my whereabouts. He attempted to separate me from my family and tried to consume all of my time. He then began to belittle me. He told me to cut my hair because it was too long, and Black men don't like women with long hair. I weigh 130 pounds and he began to call me fat. He told me that I had nothing to bring to the table. He became angry quickly. One day, I arrived at his house late and I looked at his eyes and I saw the devil and he twisted my arm! That day I went home and never came back. I blocked numbers, social media pages, etc.... 1 year later he called me from a new number and asked me where did I move too...I hung that phone up, blocked the # and never looked back.
The guy and his best friend were arguing at his house.....His best friend gave me a warning that day.... He said "one day you are going to see how mean and selfish he really is".

At that time I was working, in school, and lonely, so it was easy for me to fall for him. Within that short time (4 months) he did some damage to me. My self esteem was drained further....But I recovered.


The best way to avoid dating NARCISSIST is to keep your self esteem high, love yourself, and know your self worth. Narcissist are attracted to weaker individuals because they are easier to control.
Click to expand...

I today I was thinking about my ex but these comments snapped me in to reality QUICK. Minus the physical abuse (I'm so sorry you went through that) This was him TO A TEA. I feel when you date a narcissist you truly feel like its all in your head. I am so thankful for everyone sharing their stories. It is INSANE how similar these stories are to my experience with my ex :nono:
 
I don't like to diagnose anyone but I m pretty sure I know a man who is a narcissist ,he has no empathy and thinks he s G-d on earth .Never had serious relationships ,always denied any responsabilities for his actions (its always someone else s fault) sarcastic and mean ,put down alot and when make up for it with compliments sounding pretty sincere .Makes comments on people s looks ,into his body alot and has sadomasochistic tendencies .He called a woman he was seeing his "slave" . He likes weak women and despise any woman with a bit of carachter . Works hard but claims it to be very easy beacause ,you know ,everything is easy for Him.
 
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Funny thing is with them they will point out things with you that are a 100 times more wrong with them. Then when you call them out, they're like..."yeah but we are not talking about me right now. Why you always gotta do tit for tat"
Will argue you to the bone on what you just did...only to sneak improve a week later. I guess those are the narcs that really try....I guess...
 
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ChasingBliss said:
Funny thing is with them they will point out things with you that are a 100 times more wrong with them. Then when you call them out, their like..."yeah but we are not talking about me right now. Why you always gotta do tit for tat"
Will argue you to the bone on what you just did...only to sneak improve a week later. I guess those are the narcs that really try....I guess...
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Lmao! This is my daughter's father to the tee! I use to think I was the crazy one,smh. How do these type of personalities even live a happy life. I definitely see my ex being lonely, and miserable in the future if he keeps up with this,smh.
 
DarkJoy said:
Charming. Do it all. And in the end, proved the statement, "too good to be true."
Click to expand...

^^^^This. He was a charmer with big plans for us, wanted to get married and have kids right from beginning. Had all of these great ideas and plans. My first gift after our first date was a DKNY watch. He would get me flowers and pay for breakfast after we would leave work.

I believe most narcs are likely to turn into domestic violence offenders.
 
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snugglez41685 said:
^^^^This. He was a charmer with big plans for us, wanted to get married and have kids right from beginning. Had all of these great ideas and plans. My first gift after our first date was a DKNY watch. He would get me flowers and pay for breakfast after we would leave work.

I believe most narcs are likely to turn into domestic violence offenders.
Click to expand...

I never dated a narcissist but my father is one and this is what he projected to every one he met. They saw him as confident, generous and sweetly gregarious. Close the door and hes the opposite of all those things
 
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