How do you forgive?

[QueenFee]

I want to start by saying that this might be a long read as I haven't decided how much I will share.Forgive my spelling because it isn't the best and thank you for reading.


I grew up in a very abusive home, my father wasn't there in the early years. My mother was a heavy drinker and had a crack head bf who beat her all the time. He never beat my brother and I but he did "touch " me when I was about 2 up until I was six. It was more than touching, it was full fledged sexual abuse. As I grew older I believe I blocked it out, I always went to my special place when things were going wrong which led my family to believe I was "slow". After my mom put him out she continued with the heavy drinking all my life, she was very abusive both verbal and physical , she would binge drink with her friends for days. At age 7 and up I would be locked in the house or kitchen until it was clean. Sometimes when I said or did something she thought was stupid she would knock me out and I would lay there till I came too.

She was always very abusive towards me and loving towards my brother, when her next bf moved in with his three cousins she slept in her room with her man. My brother had his room and I slept amongst three strange men on the living room floor. One night one of them touched me on my bottom. I told her but she didn't care so I slept in the hallway from then on. I would tell my father who was in my life at the time what was going on, he always said I could come live with him but everytime I packed my bags he never showed up...I would cry and cry while my mother laughed and said I told u he didn't want u.

Fast forward...when I was 14 I remember all the details of my sexual abuse and shared them with my mother and she cried, but there was something about the way she cried that was odd. Like something out of a low budget film...at that point I just wanted to forget and I suppressed it off and on until one night at age 22 I felt a pain in my heart that was so great I couldn't take it. I cried for days straight because I knew that I couldn't run from it any longer. All these years of telling my mom it was ok and that I was ok were catching up to me...I called her one night crying like a baby and that is when she told me she knew...I knew that she knew because she would lay me next to her and do it...I would look over and see her face flinch as I wept from the pain.

But to hear here say it at that moment...things changed...I went from sad to mad as hell,I had a total break down. I lost my job, stopped talking to my friends. For a year I stayed in the home I shared with my bf and went through every emotion you can imagine. It even got to the point where I was talking to my self. I would hear voices telling me to kill her and turn myself in, just all the anger from the ill treatment from and trying like hell to wrap my mind around how u could listen to ur own blood being raped. It took God himself to lift me out of that situation, I was doing well until one day some chest pains over took me. I couldn't breath and I felt like my heart would explode. Long story short I have a heart defect because my mother drank heavily while she was pregnant with me. Something else she knew that she didn't tell me.

After all this I dnt talk to her the way I should...I could go years and not talk to her and I wouldn't feel anyway. I'm still pissed off about it all...I just want to forgive but how on earth do I do that when things keep coming out the woods?

 

[Xavier]

I only got half way through the story and my heart is aching. I am so sorry you experienced so much pain and discord in your life...(((HUGS)))

 

[F8THINHIM]

I am soooo sorry this happened to you! I commend you on your desire to forgive your mother. It is good that you realize that forgiving her will free you. You won't be stuck in anger and your health will be better for it. I suggest a good counselor who can guide you through the emotional rollercoaster that this process brings. I am praying for you!

 

[Xavier]

I am also working on forgiveness so I can not offer advice in that area, but with all that you have gone through I think that seeking some type of support group or a therapist, would be very beneficial in releasing some of that bottled up anger and resentment. Have you thought about talking with a professional? I am sure that they would have some suggestions on how to work towards forgiveness as well.

 

[awhyley]

It sounds as if your mother has alot of secrets, some of which she may never share with you. You may just want to cut her off in the long run. I agree with those who suggested therapy. It WILL help.

I could go years and not talk to her and I wouldn't feel anyway.

It's okay to feel that way. Don't feel because you don't have the standard mother and daughter relationship that's it something you should be chasing for. The forgiveness process should help you to move on, regardless of the bombs that she continually decides to drop on you. Only you can decide when to move on.

 

[JinaRicci]

QueenFee- I am so sorry. You are a very strong person to have moved past a lot of this & still want to forgive.

I think you would have to make the decision to forgive over and over because it would take a while. A counselor can help you learn how to let go so that you have control over the relationship. You can learn to forgive but not forget so that you prevent them from continuing to have the ability to hurt you.

 

[Sasha299]

I want to just give you a hug.

I think forgiveness is overrated. What is needed is letting go. I feel, just my opinion, nothing your mother can say or do will erase this betrayal. You will, for your own mental health, have to learn to live with the fact that your mom has this defect that has caused you to be hurt in unmentionable ways. Its hard and easy to be so filled with anger at her but what you do have to do is get help in dealing with that anger - channeling it in positive ways so that her defect, your abusers and those who knew but did nothing do not win in destroying you.

You are a strong and wonderful woman, you are worthy of so much love and protection that I pray that you know it and are able to get to a serene place.

 

[TayMac]

To forgive her does not mean you have to have a relationship with her. Forgive her for YOUR benefit and then do what you will...if it means cutting her off for your health and well-being until a time when you can/want to talk to her, so be it. But that is just my opinion.

Write her a letter (don't send it) about your anger, sadness, frustration etc.

If you have not had counseling, I think it would be big help. I'm so sorry for what you had to endure. I hope you can get on the path to healing.

 

[luckiestdestiny]

You need psychological help first off. You need to find a doctor to help you get through this. Forgiveness is something you'll have to decide if you want to do. I believe in forgiving for myself but not forgetting per se'. Forgiving is for you. You can't sit around seething (see mental health professional for how to release all that pent up stuff) in anger forever. Now as for forgetting.... Your mom is not someone you can be around nor trust...what if you have children? Would you trust her judgment with them? You may have to come to a realization that you can't have a relationship with her, or that if you do you'll have to distance yourself to make sure that you are safe (and your possible future family) physically as well as mentally and emotionally.

Your mental health is first and foremost paramount. There are free clinics if you have financial issues, if you're in school you can easily set up an appointment, and then of course you can also call your insurance company for a referral as well. Please get the help you need so that you can get your mental health together. The voices concern me...all this stress may have caused you to have a psychological condition. And please don't be ashamed if that's the case. If you have a problem there is help to get you on the right track and you should seek it out. I wish you the best.

 

[Ganjababy]

I am so sorry that you went through this. I wept after readfing your post. You have no control over your mothers behaviour or attitude towards you. Forgiving her will not magically make things better between the two of you. You do not owe her anything.

I have a problem with forgiveness because I always wonder if it means that the person who forgives allows the person that did the hurting the right to hurt -to inflict pain yet again. Therefore I prefer the word "letting go." For me, letting go means that you willl not allow the person that inflicted the hurt the power to ever hurt you again. You do this by ensuring that they do not come into your life unless they have shown remorse and have taken responsibility for the pain they inflicted. They also show this by a change in the way they relate to you- being considerate of your needs and respecting you as an individual. If the person that hurt you cannot treat you the way you deserve to be treated then you let them go.

I do not believe that blood is thicker than water. Sometimes the people who inflict the most pain on us are our blood relatives. It is therefore up to us, as adults, to decide if we deserve to be treated with respect and consideration. If our so-called blood relative continue to hurt us then they do not deserve a place in our lives.

Does your mother want your forgiveness? Do you think she is committed to forging a healthy relationship with you? Has she wholeheartedly taken responsibility for the awful childhood you had? Is she truly remorseful and does not have 100 and 1 excuses for being such a bad mother? If so then you can certainly forgive her. However if your answer is no to most of these questions then you owe this woman nothing and will only continue to feel the pain that was inflicted if you do not let it all go.

You ask how do you forgive? My answer is, the hurt do not owe those who hurt them forgiveness. It is the people who hurt you who should seek forgiveness. Is she seeking your forgiveness?

 

[phynestone]

I also suggest seeing a counselor. I'm still in shock after reading your post. Wow.

Forgiveness is a process. It's not only for the perpetrator, but the victim as well. You may never have a "normal" mother-daughter relationship. You may have to accept that. Forgiveness also doesn't mean you give people the opportunity to hurt you over and over again. You know your value and you need to protect yourself. Your mother needs serious help. I believe she may have had some type of trauma herself, physical, sexual or both. I am going to assume you are black...and unfortunately, many black families have a trend of not sweeping this matter under the rug by refusing to acknowledge the abuse and believing the victim. (I am well aware this takes place in many other races and cultures as well). You are a survivor!

 

[QueenFee]

Thank you ladies so very much for all the words of comfort, I really needed them at this point. Today was a hard day but deff not the hardest I've had. I have tried to seek help for this and when I did have insurance they only covered a hand full of Dr's. The first and last one I went to seemed to have problems himself, he started the session by telling me that no one feels sorry for me and basically had the "Get over it" attitude towards my situation. At this time I have some serious dental problems that I need to fix and no job so there is no money for therapy. After that experience with the last Dr I have been leery about seeing anyone but I know that God wants me too. He sends me signs in my dreams I think.

Like in all my dreams lately I've been running from the cops in a car, they never catch me but I know in a way that the police must represent my issues that keep creepin up on me.I have tried to be in my mothers life but I feel like she's using me, like for instance I live across town and don't have a car. My brother lives in the next room in her house and has three cars but she will call me and try to guilt me into catching three buses over to bring her soup and little dumb ish...I just don't want to feel this way but like you ladies said maybe we're not meant to have a normal relationship.

@ evsbaby

There are moments that she will act like she wants forgiveness but she is far too messy at this point.

When I was younger I would write her letters about how I felt and she would actually laugh at me, she ask me now if my life as a child was really that bad or ask is she was really a bad parent...In a tone of disbelief, I feel like she has lied to herself all these years about how she's been "doing what she had to for her children" When in reality she hasn't done much good.

The only times she acts remorseful is when I don't speak to her for an extended period of time, at this point I believe she's done with me which is a relief to me because I don't have to feel any kinda way about not talking to her.

It's like she has 1million excuses about why she "had to do what she had to do which was NOTHING", but when it comes to me I have no reason to feel the way I feel and no right to have feelings. It's like she expect me to sweep this under the rug like she has...

I think she wants my forgiveness but she is trying to gain that by buying me things. As a child I wore things from goodwill and hand me downs, my bother literally got everything he needed and then some. I remember shopping for my Christmas gifts on the clearance isle at thriftys and my brother having all the gifts under the tree. I was greatful to get gifts but if it was a week after the fact off the clearance isle I feel we both should have got our gifts there.

My brother always says we're not the same people and thats why I got treated different but that just hurts worse...This is so heavy ladies...I'm going to lay it down.

thank you all once again.ttyt

 

[luckiestdestiny]

Queenfe what about free health clinics. Can you see if they can refer you to a free mental health care clinic? You can always switch counselors if you feel that one isn't "right" for you so to speak as the last one was. I'm glad you want to work through issues with mom (at least with yourself, not necessarily through being around her)...and I hope you get the help you need. Dad is definitely no picnic in the park either, so i'm sure a good counselor will help you work through his abandonment. It seems to me that he realized you were living a horror story but did not step in to help at all and though your anger is directed at mom, he definitely shoulders blame as well.

As for couselors, you may find that you are more comfortable with one than another, but you should definitely not let one bad experience get in your way. This is a sad situation, but you definitely can rise above it and I will pray for you.

 

[QueenFee]

Queenfe what about free health clinics. Can you see if they can refer you to a free mental health care clinic? You can always switch counselors if you feel that one isn't "right" for you so to speak as the last one was. I'm glad you want to work through issues with mom (at least with yourself, not necessarily through being around her)...and I hope you get the help you need. Dad is definitely no picnic in the park either, so i'm sure a good counselor will help you work through his abandonment. It seems to me that he realized you were living a horror story but did not step in to help at all and though your anger is directed at mom, he definitely shoulders blame as well.

As for couselors, you may find that you are more comfortable with one than another, but you should definitely not let one bad experience get in your way. This is a sad situation, but you definitely can rise above it and I will pray for you.

Thank you so much for the prayers...I don't even speak to my father. Haven't for the past 2 years and some change...Tomorrow is my day to find some help,I'm going to call 211 which is a local help line where they direct you to free health care clinics and such. I tried to free clinic for my dental needs but they told me they couldn't help me and turned around and charged me $900 bucks for x-rays lmao. It's not funny but it kinda is. I will deff keep you all updated if it doesn't get too boring. Congrats on the engagement!

 

[Thiends]

QueenFee, everyone in this thread has given you wonderful advice. Forgiveness is not for the person who hurt you; It is for you. Forgiveness does not mean giving those who hurt you more opportunities to hurt you; Forgiveness is about taking responsibility. Part of that responsibility is laying down your hurt and setting yourself free from anger. Part of that responsibility is also about protecting yourself as you have not been protected; about forgiving yourself for whatever fault you have erroneously laid at your own doorstep for actions that are not your fault. But anyway, discussing forgiveness first is putting the cart before the horse IMO. First comes you and finding your way back to your feet even if others have pushed you to your knees.

I have two quotes for you that have helped me in some dark times:

"Resistance is the secret of joy." (Alice Walker)

This one is meaningful to me because it reminds me that I have to keep fighting. The greatest war we are all called to face is the war against ourselves; against those voices some hear audibly, but others hear only in their hearts. Those voices that tell us that we deserved to be hurt, that we will never be able to move on, that life will always hurt. I do not believe you can even begin to think about your mother before you have focused on yourself and healed yourself. You have to take back what was stolen from you: your strength, your sense of safety, your belief in love. You have to mother yourself as you were not mothered.

"Who knows what delicate wonders have died out of the world for want of the strength to survive." (Enter the Dragon)

This quote is meaningful to me because it reminds me that if I do not resist, if I do not fight, then I will not survive. Period. This fight with myself, with my experiences, is one that I must win for myself, because if I do not win it, I will be swept away. We do not have a choice and we are literally in a life or death struggle. I remember always that so many wonderful people, so many wonderful things, have been lost to the world for good because they could not find the strength to survive. There is no justice in this fact, but it is true nonetheless. Every day, I tell myself that I have the strength not only to survive, but also to thrive; I remind myself that I have no choice in this matter. I must find my strength or else I must die. You must tell yourself the same and then orient your entire life, muster all of your personal power, to push yourself to the surface. Picture yourself as a drowning person and then kick with all of your might so that the waters do not close over you forever.

You have this strength. As babies, we surged out of our mothers' birth canals and gasping, took our first breaths. No one did that for us. We did it for ourselves, and those us who could not do it died. You were able to open your lungs and force the air into your body so that you could survive; that is why you are alive today. That was the first war you waged and won, and so, you started life as a winner. Others came and tried to make a loser out of you, but even then, you survived them. If you could find the strength to survive when you were brand new to the world and seemingly helpless, and then could find that strength again throughout your childhood, then you can find it again and again, because it is within you. It is not lost; just hidden. All of life is the process of finding that place where others have concealed our personal power from us and then reclaiming that power that is our birthright.

You have to feel entitled about this. It is your right to live and live happily, and anyone, including your mother, who tries to deprive you of this right, must be banished forever. Forgiveness of others comes later. First, you have to survive to the day of forgiveness. Do whatever you have to do in the meantime. It is all about you. Let go of anger not to forgive your mother, but because anger is incompatible with the victorious life you deserve to live. Take the reins of your life not because of your mother, but because you have to take control in order to persevere. You might go through all the stages of grief and forgiveness as you heal, but the purpose has to be you; it has to be for yourself. Put aside your mother, brother, father, everyone for now, because you have to start with yourself.

Do you want to survive?

PM me at any time, if you ever need to talk or just vent.

 

[QueenFee]

QueenFee, everyone in this thread has given you wonderful advice. Forgiveness is not for the person who hurt you; It is for you. Forgiveness does not mean giving those who hurt you more opportunities to hurt you; Forgiveness is about taking responsibility. Part of that responsibility is laying down your hurt and setting yourself free from anger. Part of that responsibility is also about protecting yourself as you have not been protected; about forgiving yourself for whatever fault you have erroneously laid at your own doorstep for actions that are not your fault. But anyway, discussing forgiveness first is putting the cart before the horse IMO. First comes you and finding your way back to your feet even if others have pushed you to your knees.

I have two quotes for you that have helped me in some dark times:

"Resistance is the secret of joy." (Alice Walker)

This one is meaningful to me because it reminds me that I have to keep fighting. The greatest war we are all called to face is the war against ourselves; against those voices some hear audibly, but others hear only in their hearts. Those voices that tell us that we deserved to be hurt, that we will never be able to move on, that life will always hurt. I do not believe you can even begin to think about your mother before you have focused on yourself and healed yourself. You have to take back what was stolen from you: your strength, your sense of safety, your belief in love. You have to mother yourself as you were not mothered.

"Who knows what delicate wonders have died out of the world for want of the strength to survive." (Enter the Dragon)

This quote is meaningful to me because it reminds me that if I do not resist, if I do not fight, then I will not survive. Period. This fight with myself, with my experiences, is one that I must win for myself, because if I do not win it, I will be swept away. We do not have a choice and we are literally in a life or death struggle. I remember always that so many wonderful people, so many wonderful things, have been lost to the world for good because they could not find the strength to survive. There is no justice in this fact, but it is true nonetheless. Every day, I tell myself that I have the strength not only to survive, but also to thrive; I remind myself that I have no choice in this matter. I must find my strength or else I must die. You must tell yourself the same and then orient your entire life, muster all of your personal power, to push yourself to the surface. Picture yourself as a drowning person and then kick with all of your might so that the waters do not close over you forever. I thank you so much for this, it has so much meaning to me I can't even find the words to express how this made me feel...This is like a blue print to the healing process. Sometimes I find that I don't know where to start or what to do next. This is truly powerful information

You have this strength. As babies, we surged out of our mothers' birth canals and gasping, took our first breaths. No one did that for us. We did it for ourselves, and those us who could not do it died. You were able to open your lungs and force the air into your body so that you could survive; that is why you are alive today. That was the first war you waged and won, and so, you started life as a winner. Others came and tried to make a loser out of you, but even then, you survived them. If you could find the strength to survive when you were brand new to the world and seemingly helpless, and then could find that strength again throughout your childhood, then you can find it again and again, because it is within you. It is not lost; I thought it was lost for the longest time,kind of like I lost my identity and ability to be myself freely, there was a point in time where I would do what ever comes to my mind. I did everything I said I would and got everything I ever wanted because I had the strength then. Now I will be lucky if I have the strength to get out of bed in the morningjust hidden. All of life is the process of finding that place where others have concealed our personal power from us and then reclaiming that power that is our birthright.

You have to feel entitled about this. It is your right to live and live happily, and anyone, including your mother, who tries to deprive you of this right, must be banished forever. Forgiveness of others comes later. First, you have to survive to the day of forgiveness. Do whatever you have to do in the meantime. It is all about you. Let go of anger not to forgive your mother, but because anger is incompatible with the victorious life you deserve to live. Take the reins of your life not because of your mother, but because you have to take control in order to persevere. You might go through all the stages of grief and forgiveness as you heal, but the purpose has to be you; it has to be for yourself. Put aside your mother, brother, father, everyone for now, because you have to start with yourself. it's so hard for me to think positive, like when bad things happen my mind immediately say you deserved it. I really thank you for this you have no idea! I will print this out and read it often

Do you want to survive?

PM me at any time, if you ever need to talk or just vent.

Wow! Thank you so much,I am amazed...That was so powerful to read because it is a mirror of what I'm feeling. Like those feelings that I just can't find the words or even emotions to express....It's like you know exactly how I feel.

 

[thatscuteright]

I read your story and I am so sorry my dear. I just want to give you a big hug.

 

[**Tasha*Love**]

QueenFee I am so sorry to hear of what you have been through. Just because a woman gives birth to a child doesn't give her the right to claim the title "mother". Forgiveness and letting go is a process, it doesn't happen overnight. Lately I have found myself making a conscious effort every day to forgive those who have hurt me. I had made a habit of reliving the pains and hurts over and over - I want to be FREE! You really have to take it one day at a time.

Thiends last post was wonderful. I think of myself as a fighter and I don't plan on losing this battle. I am not sure where you are spiritually and what your taste in music is but I would suggest getting a copy of Kirk Franklin's last two CD's "Imagine Me" and "Fight of My Life". The messages in those CD's really inspired me to let go and start imagining myself in a better place.

You could have gave up long time ago but God kept you in the midst of it all. There is a wonderful plan for your life.

 

[kryolnapps]

I want to just give you a hug.

I think forgiveness is overrated. What is needed is letting go. I feel, just my opinion, nothing your mother can say or do will erase this betrayal. You will, for your own mental health, have to learn to live with the fact that your mom has this defect that has caused you to be hurt in unmentionable ways. Its hard and easy to be so filled with anger at her but what you do have to do is get help in dealing with that anger - channeling it in positive ways so that her defect, your abusers and those who knew but did nothing do not win in destroying you.

You are a strong and wonderful woman, you are worthy of so much love and protection that I pray that you know it and are able to get to a serene place.

This was key for me. I survived emotional and physical abuse, but nothing even near what you went through. My heart goes out to you. I tried forgiveness in what I use to think it meant: to absolve one of their faults toward you and to hug them and say I forgive you and start a fresh relationship with them.

But I realized after a long time of feeling angry, resentful, guilty, bitter, and miserable that I could not forgive, that this forgiveness thing was not for me. Not in that sense. I had to get better for ME. I had to let go for ME. I had to love ME. That doesn't mean 'forgiving' the abusers, it just meant taking away their power to hurt me further. It didn't happen overnight and without help, but I am there. I just needed to take the decision to stop trying to forgive and concentrate on ME.

I'll keep you in my thoughts.

 

[awhyley]

The first and last one I went to seemed to have problems himself, he started the session by telling me that no one feels sorry for me and basically had the "Get over it" attitude towards my situation.

Please, please, please do not be discouraged. Consider these blessings in disguise. Knowing that the therapist is not the right one for you, means that your search for someone that can and will really help continues. It can be a daunting task, but the relief or finding the proper person will be worth it. You're not looking for someone to 'baby' you, but rather help you in finding coping mechanisms to further your life. Best of luck.

I have tried to be in my mothers life but I feel like she's using me, like for instance I live across town and don't have a car. My brother lives in the next room in her house and has three cars but she will call me and try to guilt me into catching three buses over to bring her soup and little dumb ish ...

You're right. She's not only using you but also playing you against your own emotions. She only wants the normal mother/daughter relationship if it will benefit her. Her denial is deep. She desperately wants your validation (i.e. you doing stuff for her) to feel as if she was a good mother. She's not remorseful when you cut her off/not speaking to her/etc., she vex cause she realizes that you can't be controlled anymore. And you're right, she expects you to bottle our feelings like she bottled hers. I'm can almost guarantee that she was maltreated in her younger days. The difference between you and her is that you're ready to deal with your issues; she's not.

What does your brother mean when he says, 'yall aren't the same people'?

Let go of anger not to forgive your mother, but because anger is incompatible with the victorious life you deserve to live. Take the reins of your life not because of your mother, but because you have to take control in order to persevere.

Thiends, there was power in every word of your post, but I had to highlight the above because it is so critical. Anger just eats one up alive, and consumes any chance for loving, trusting relationships. OP, you're young, deal with these issues now, so that they're not passed down to your children.

 

[crlsweetie912]

Thank you so much for the prayers...I don't even speak to my father. Haven't for the past 2 years and some change...Tomorrow is my day to find some help,I'm going to call 211 which is a local help line where they direct you to free health care clinics and such. I tried to free clinic for my dental needs but they told me they couldn't help me and turned around and charged me $900 bucks for x-rays lmao. It's not funny but it kinda is. I will deff keep you all updated if it doesn't get too boring. Congrats on the engagement!

Are you in the dc/md/va area? LOTS of doctors/clinics have sliding fee scales where you pay according to your income. You might even qualify for medical insurance?

Let me just say that I know where you are coming from, and I feel for what you are going through. I think that dream is saying that you have to deal with this, because eventually it's going to catch up with you! And finding a great counselor is a process. The first, second, or fifth person might not be right, but it's worth it to keep looking...

 

[QueenFee]

Okay ladies I've found a therapist!!!! For FREE! YEY!

She's pretty cool, we went to the park today and talked there. I can already tell this will be a long road to travel because there is so much to overcome but my spirits are high=D. She has also assured me that she will be here as long as it takes which makes me happy. Today we worked on me accepting myself despite the things that I have been made to believe about myself...I'm actually happy which is rare for me! Thank you ladies for your help and encouraging words...I really appreciate it.

 

[awhyley]

That is FANTASTIC!!! I'm glad you posted, because I was thinking about you over the weekend. Finally, you see there's light at the end of the tunnel. I'm so happy that you and your new therapist clicked, and that you're happy.

Here's to a whole new you!