How do I get over being jealous of his ex?

glam-

glam-

Well-Known Member
I know its self-destructive and irrational, but I find myself comparing myself to her. She had a cooler car, a PhD whereas I have an MA. She was a good ol country girl, cussed like a sailor + therefore fit right in with his family, whereas I don't cuss and am a bit more shy. She could fry chicken + bake a ham, whereas I've done neither- though I can cook. They were together for 18 mos, lived together for a year and she got on great with his daughter. IMO, she sounds like the perfect girlfriend- but they didn't wed.

Now he's with me, he says I'm the most beautiful woman he's ever dated, his daughter likes me, we basically never fight and he's mentioned how he wants to marry me several times (unprompted by me). I know he loves me and that he's not even in touch with her. He's also forthright abt her flaws.

So, why do I feel insecure abt how she was such a better girlfriend? This is my first serious, serious relationship- maybe that's why... At any rate, how can I get over this? I know it's a toxic feeling. I'm really in love and don't want to ruin this.

Advice welcomed, but maybe I just needed to vent, too. I don't know. :perplexed:

*this is so unusual for me; I've never been jealous of a woman before because I know I'm pretty phenomenal + guys always tell me I'm the total package (and, so does he)
 
glam- said:
I know its self-destructive and irrational, but I find myself comparing myself to her. She had a cooler car, a PhD whereas I have an MA. She was a good ol country girl, cussed like a sailor + therefore fit right in with his family, whereas I don't cuss and am a bit more shy. She could fry chicken + bake a ham, whereas I've done neither- though I can cook. They were together for 18 mos, lived together for a year and she got on great with his daughter. IMO, she sounds like the perfect girlfriend- but they didn't wed.

Now he's with me, he says I'm the most beautiful woman he's ever dated, his daughter likes me, we basically never fight and he's mentioned how he wants to marry me several times (unprompted by me). I know he loves me and that he's not even in touch with her. He's also forthright abt her flaws.

So, why do I feel insecure abt how she was such a better girlfriend? This is my first serious, serious relationship- maybe that's why... At any rate, how can I get over this? I know it's a toxic feeling. I'm really in love and don't want to ruin this.

Advice welcomed, but maybe I just needed to vent, too. I don't know. :perplexed:

*this is so unusual for me; I've never been jealous of a woman before because I know I'm pretty phenomenal + guys always tell me I'm the total package (and, so does he)
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Actually... the bolded makes me think that she was the woman who would come on LHCF (or call up a girlfriend) and say,

"I have a great man. His family loves me. I can cook a mean ham and fry up the best chicken you've ever had. I have this many degrees. We've been living together for a year, but he just broke up with me! And now, he's thinking of marrying some chick he just met! After I invested all that in him! WTF? Men are dogs!"

In other words, sounds like she was playing wifey and wasn't the wife... and he obviously knew a long time ago that he wasn't going to marry her and just rode it out for a while until he was ready to move on (or she gave an ultimatum).
 
Bunny77 said:
Actually... the bolded makes me think that she was the woman who would come on LHCF (or call up a girlfriend) and say,

"I have a great man. His family loves me. I can cook a mean ham and fry up the best chicken you've ever had. I have this many degrees. We've been living together for a year, but he just broke up with me! And now, he's thinking of marrying some chick he just met! After I invested all that in him! WTF? Men are dogs!"

In other words, sounds like she was playing wifey and wasn't the wife... and he obviously knew a long time ago that he wasn't going to marry her and just rode it out for a while until he was ready to move on (or she gave an ultimatum).
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You may very well be right, Bunny. Her moving in with him was her idea (after only 6 months of dating, she said it would be so much cheaper for both of them) and he went along with it. They broke up when she started giving ultimatums about him giving her a ring because she was "ready to be married" and when he didn't bite, she said lets break up. He knew me before her, but I wasn't interested- I felt like he was trying to move me too fast. We've been "officially dating" for 11 months now- and you're right, though I care about him I am very careful not to play wifey.

It's strange, though I am jealous of her- I also feel bad for her because she kinda deserved to be wifey after all that. I think he would've married her, too, she just sold it to him the wrong way.
 
I feel u when I married my hubby his ex was in the pic all the time and they have a daughter 2gether. I think we both had problems with eachother. If my hubby was with me in a room and she came to his mom she would need to talk to him about their daughter. If we were is the bedroom changing she needed to talk to him. I am a jeans a sneakers kinda gal she likes to dress and wears makeup I just usually put lip gloss on and call it a day.

We both are fair skin so it was like for a period of 4 years and yes I said 4 years we both had issues. If I did not speak to her because I did not hear her or something she told my hubby. I felt insecure even though I am a beautiful woman. When I would go to his moms because that is where they both grew up in the same town wen she came it was like oh hey girl evey1 was so glad 2 c her (even though they talked about her wen she left) and the way their marriage ended with her sleeping with his bestfriend who was a pastor they always talked about that when I came because her husbands wife and my hubby wife were bestfriends and my hubby and her husband were bestfriends.

I still have some tingle when I c her as if mayb she looks better than me or my hubby will want her bak, but he assures me HELL NAW!:grin:

Sorry so long I guess I needed 2 vent 2. Be strong and know he is with u and he loves and that is what keeps me going. In the beginning my hubby had to really really make sure I knew he loved me. It was so bad yall she was horrible and hateful and she still is 2 some degree, but because my hubby is away thank God I don't have to deal with her and their daughter is 17 and he dos not have to talk with her. She used to take the phone from the daughter wen he called and just make a stink about anything. My hubby pays childsupport and would c his daughter everyother weekend and pick her up. The mom did not want us to have anything 2 do with the daughter. Wen my hubby would go to the school to c his daughter she had the school call her and she would sit in the corner while they visited and then leave wen he left she left. Thank God she got married last year and to our surprise she just left us alone. Almost!:lachen:
 
Krymsonkween said:
I feel u when I married my hubby his ex was in the pic all the time and they have a daughter 2gether. I think we both had problems with eachother. If my hubby was with me in a room and she came to his mom she would need to talk to him about their daughter. If we were is the bedroom changing she needed to talk to him. I am a jeans a sneakers kinda gal she likes to dress and wears makeup I just usually put lip gloss on and call it a day.

We both are fair skin so it was like for a period of 4 years and yes I said 4 years we both had issues. If I did not speak to her because I did not hear her or something she told my hubby. I felt insecure even though I am a beautiful woman. When I would go to his moms because that is where they both grew up in the same town wen she came it was like oh hey girl evey1 was so glad 2 c her (even though they talked about her wen she left) and the way their marriage ended with her sleeping with his bestfriend who was a pastor they always talked about that when I came because her husbands wife and my hubby wife were bestfriends and my hubby and her husband were bestfriends.

I still have some tingle when I c her as if mayb she looks better than me or my hubby will want her bak, but he assures me HELL NAW!:grin:

Sorry so long I guess I needed 2 vent 2. Be strong and know he is with u and he loves and that is what keeps me going. In the beginning my hubby had to really really make sure I knew he loved me. It was so bad yall she was horrible and hateful and she still is 2 some degree, but because my hubby is away thank God I don't have to deal with her and their daughter is 17 and he dos not have to talk with her. She used to take the phone from the daughter wen he called and just make a stink about anything. My hubby pays childsupport and would c his daughter everyother weekend and pick her up. The mom did not want us to have anything 2 do with the daughter. Wen my hubby would go to the school to c his daughter she had the school call her and she would sit in the corner while they visited and then leave wen he left she left. Thank God she got married last year and to our surprise she just left us alone. Almost!:lachen:
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Thanks for sharing your story, KrymsonKween. I'm glad to know I;m not the only one who has ever felt this way.
 
Girl, you are comparing yourself when you -- and any other woman, person, etc -- shold strive to become the best they are, and not the best against "others."

Focus on being the best you... stop tripping about the past.
 
Girl forget about that girl its you he wants no need to feel insecure whats wrong with you pat yourself on the back its rare that a man call a woman the total package so lets gets get ready to get married and put a smile on your face cause you the ish
 
If she was so great he would have stayed with her! You are in his life right now and he is talking about marriage. Keep your head up and stay positive. Try not to let her bother you. As for his family, in time they will see what a wonderful person you are that is why you are his girlfriend! HTH!!:yep:
 
Don't waste love or life on jealousy, envy, strife, and sadness. Enjoy your love, be sweet to and supportive of him and his blood family, and treat yourself well. God will bless you and your love.
Remember, you're only seeing things from one pov. My only advice is not to entertain listening to (nor revel in) bad/negative ventings on past relationships, I think it can drive more negative feelings. I never let my finacee bad mouth his ex, it makes me feel and look petty IMO.
Good Luck
 
I had this issue, and believe me I found it bizarre as well because I've never ever ever been the jealous type. In fact my exes have accused me of acting like I don't care about other women (I just never put any thought into it to be honest!). But I fell in love with this great guy, and I think that just because this man loved me so well, every woman he ever loved before me or had the potential to love after became a threat! lol.

I couldn't stand feeling the way I did, getting mad about any of his exes trying to contact him or accusing him of silly things. I was acting in ways that were so unlike me. When I got sick of it eating me away, I decided to address my self-esteem. And I thought my self-esteem was pretty decent before this mind you, but then I saw that I was basing it on external things. The fact that I was good looking, successful, a nice person, caring etc. So if there was another girl out there who was possibly all of that and maybe even on a higher level I thougt, and to top it all off, at one point in time managed to have the heart of the man I loved, well then it made sense that I would feel insecure.

When truth be told, WHO I AM has nothing to do with all that. Who I am is who I am inside. I realized that the spirit and soul God put inside me is just absolutely perfect and beautiful...period. It doesn't matter what his ex looks like or did for him, it doesn't matter what he did for his ex or even the feelings he had for her. When I go to that place where I realize that I've got it all inside because God's given it to me and I just thank Him for it, then I don't feel insecure/jealous anymore. I don't have to feel threatened. That was absolutely the only thing that worked for me. Not trying to wear more makeup or loose weight or change myself. Just accepting that all that of that amounts to nothing when I consider what I've got on the inside.

Hope that helps!
 
Thanks, ladies. I appreciate all your responses. You make excellent points and I will take them to heart- just focus on us, not anything in the past. :grin:
 
Why do you know so much about this woman? Is he talking to you about her? Prompted/unprompted?
 
Avaya said:
Why do you know so much about this woman? Is he talking to you about her? Prompted/unprompted?
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It's complicated. It started when we were just friends and she called my phone about their break-up. (I didn't know her, had never met her.) I called him, like why is this chick calling me? What is going on? He told me a lot abt their relationship then. Fast forward 6 months or more, we started going out from time to time and stories would come up in conversation. I fault myself for being nosy, but now I know too much.

Nowadays, if he mentions an incident that involved her, she is usually just a peripheral part of the story, not the main focus.
 
glam- said:
You may very well be right, Bunny. Her moving in with him was her idea (after only 6 months of dating, she said it would be so much cheaper for both of them) and he went along with it. They broke up when she started giving ultimatums about him giving her a ring because she was "ready to be married" and when he didn't bite, she said lets break up. He knew me before her, but I wasn't interested- I felt like he was trying to move me too fast. We've been "officially dating" for 11 months now- and you're right, though I care about him I am very careful not to play wifey.

It's strange, though I am jealous of her- I also feel bad for her because she kinda deserved to be wifey after all that. I think he would've married her, too, she just sold it to him the wrong way.
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Oops, meant to get back to ya!

I hope I made my point... that there's no reason to be jealous of anything and if your man wanted to be with her, he would have been with her a looooooooong time ago.

I guess that both her and your man kinda messed that one up. He went along with the program (although most men will if offered the chance), but she needs to take more control over her relationships too. So yeah, maybe she "deserved" to be wife in theory, he thought otherwise and she should have been able to read the signals.

Anyway, on a different note, what I find interesting about your post is that it just continues to confirm that women can get overly focused on feeling that they need to be Miss Perfect to "get a man." Not that you are ANYWHERE near chopped liver (actually, you're pretty top shelf, lol), but obviously, this other woman's Ph.D., mad cooking skills, etc., didn't make this particular man want to be with her. Meanwhile, you've got all these single women running around trying to become gourmet cooks or listening to men ask, "When you gonna cook for me?"... or in general, trying to show "what they bring to the table," when men ain't necessarily stressing about this in the same way.

I know PLENTY of women who can burn in the kitchen who are still single. I know plenty of women who bring little to the table who've been wifed up quickly. If a man wants you, he wants exactly what you got RIGHT NOW, and a lot of us would do ourselves some good to not be so concerned about "proving ourselves" to a man.

I'm not really directing this at you Glam... I just got off on a tangent!

The other thing I found interesting about this
 
Ije4eva said:
I had this issue, and believe me I found it bizarre as well because I've never ever ever been the jealous type. In fact my exes have accused me of acting like I don't care about other women (I just never put any thought into it to be honest!). But I fell in love with this great guy, and I think that just because this man loved me so well, every woman he ever loved before me or had the potential to love after became a threat! lol.

I couldn't stand feeling the way I did, getting mad about any of his exes trying to contact him or accusing him of silly things. I was acting in ways that were so unlike me. When I got sick of it eating me away, I decided to address my self-esteem. And I thought my self-esteem was pretty decent before this mind you, but then I saw that I was basing it on external things. The fact that I was good looking, successful, a nice person, caring etc. So if there was another girl out there who was possibly all of that and maybe even on a higher level I thougt, and to top it all off, at one point in time managed to have the heart of the man I loved, well then it made sense that I would feel insecure.

When truth be told, WHO I AM has nothing to do with all that. Who I am is who I am inside. I realized that the spirit and soul God put inside me is just absolutely perfect and beautiful...period. It doesn't matter what his ex looks like or did for him, it doesn't matter what he did for his ex or even the feelings he had for her. When I go to that place where I realize that I've got it all inside because God's given it to me and I just thank Him for it, then I don't feel insecure/jealous anymore. I don't have to feel threatened. That was absolutely the only thing that worked for me. Not trying to wear more makeup or loose weight or change myself. Just accepting that all that of that amounts to nothing when I consider what I've got on the inside.

Hope that helps!
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Excellent post! :clap: :clap: This is so very true! :yep:



Glam.... Don't worry, I've felt the same way too before. :hug2: Trust me, I've been jealous of exe's or even the ex's "new gf" before and it just made me feel very cruddy inside. :nono: I'm not even "the jealous type", and it's very RARE that I'm jealous over another female. I'm just not usually that way.

BUT! You know what I've realized? Now that I'm a little wiser, I've come to realize that jealousy is sometimes just a little "sign" that your brain is trying to tell you something. Maybe it's trying to tell me that I feel a little "inadequate" in these areas myself, and that perhaps I know I could do better, and so maybe I should just work hard to be the best ME that I can be!

For example, if you ever get jealous about a girl that seems to always "have it together", everything is on point, or this particular woman just seems so comfortable in her own skin, so confident, and so happy and care-free about her life, MAYBE this is a sign that I need to STEP UP my own game and give a little more attention to my outer appearance, pamper myself, focus on ME, get some new hobbies, take that class I've been putting off, smile more, and start being happier about my OWN life! ;)

Besides, jealousy is just an emotion. I believe that the more you pay attention to and focus on yourself and know that you're doing the best that YOU can do, the less you feel jealous of other people.

In addition, others have already mentioned it... It doesn't matter how many women your guy dated before you, the TRUTH of the matter is that he and she are no longer together ,and he is with YOU...not her. Got that?? ;)
 
Bunny77 said:
Oops, meant to get back to ya!

I hope I made my point... that there's no reason to be jealous of anything and if your man wanted to be with her, he would have been with her a looooooooong time ago.

I guess that both her and your man kinda messed that one up. He went along with the program (although most men will if offered the chance), but she needs to take more control over her relationships too. So yeah, maybe she "deserved" to be wife in theory, he thought otherwise and she should have been able to read the signals.

Anyway, on a different note, what I find interesting about your post is that it just continues to confirm that women can get overly focused on feeling that they need to be Miss Perfect to "get a man." Not that you are ANYWHERE near chopped liver (actually, you're pretty top shelf, lol), but obviously, this other woman's Ph.D., mad cooking skills, etc., didn't make this particular man want to be with her. Meanwhile, you've got all these single women running around trying to become gourmet cooks or listening to men ask, "When you gonna cook for me?"... or in general, trying to show "what they bring to the table," when men ain't necessarily stressing about this in the same way.

I know PLENTY of women who can burn in the kitchen who are still single. I know plenty of women who bring little to the table who've been wifed up quickly. If a man wants you, he wants exactly what you got RIGHT NOW, and a lot of us would do ourselves some good to not be so concerned about "proving ourselves" to a man.

I'm not really directing this at you Glam... I just got off on a tangent!

The other thing I found interesting about this
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This is so true Bunny! :grin: :clap:

So so so very true. That's why I love Sherry Argov's book WMLB. :giggle:

I have to admit, sometimes I get caught up too in the whole "what can I do to prove myself to this man??" kick. :nono: Especially if I'm REALLY REALLY feeling him. If I'm not feeling him too much, I don't even lift a finger...and guess what?? HE does most of the work!

I find it so funny that when I don't even do a single solitary thing to "prove" myself to a man that I'm not really feeling, the guy STILL ends up liking me! But when I REALLY like a guy, I feel like I have to "prove" my worth or something. ha! Go figure! :nuts:
 
glam- said:
You may very well be right, Bunny. Her moving in with him was her idea (after only 6 months of dating, she said it would be so much cheaper for both of them) and he went along with it. They broke up when she started giving ultimatums about him giving her a ring because she was "ready to be married" and when he didn't bite, she said lets break up. He knew me before her, but I wasn't interested- I felt like he was trying to move me too fast. We've been "officially dating" for 11 months now- and you're right, though I care about him I am very careful not to play wifey.

It's strange, though I am jealous of her- I also feel bad for her because she kinda deserved to be wifey after all that. I think he would've married her, too, she just sold it to him the wrong way.
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This is a similar situation to me and my hubby. He was young and with an older woman who played house with him and his family adored her. Soo she thought she had the ring on lock but during college he decided she wasn't the one for him. He even feels guilty sometime because she gave so much of herself to get him and it didn't pan out. :perplexed His family used ot call me princess because I wasn't catering to nobody. That girl would clean his mama's house. Hell I might marry her.
 
That woman may have a PH.d but he probably doesn't put that high on the list. She may cuss like a sailor like his family but a lot of men don't always want to marry women that mirror women in their family. Cooking is great but it doesn't keep relationships together. So it's all about what your man values, not what looks good on paper.

newbiemom said:
This is a similar situation to me and my hubby. He was young and with an older woman who played house with him and his family adored her. Soo she thought she had the ring on lock but during college he decided she wasn't the one for him. He even feels guilty sometime because she gave so much of herself to get him and it didn't pan out. :perplexed His family used ot call me princess because I wasn't catering to nobody. That girl would clean his mama's house. Hell I might marry her.
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I do feel bad when women have gone the extra mile for a man and it doesn't work out.. that really does suck. However, like Bunny was saying, it's easy to get caught up in a performance mentality when it comes to keeping a man's attention when the things we're working hard at aren't necessarily what that man is focused on.

Even though men claim not to be emotional, I do believe that one of the primary things they like about a woman is how she makes him feel about himself when she's around; also whether she is adding or detracting from his quality of life over time.

We women often focus more on gaining his approval and admiration than on how he's actually making us feel or whether he's bettering our lives.. that leads to a lot of misplaced energy and bad relationship decisions IMO. I know it has for me in the past...
 
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Raspberry said:
Even though men claim not to be emotional, I do believe that one of the primary things they like about a woman is how she makes him feel about himself when she's around; also whether she is adding or detracting from his quality of life over time.

We women often focus more on gaining his approval and admiration than on how he's actually making us feel or whether he's bettering our lives.. that leads to a lot of misplaced energy and bad relationship decisions IMO. I know it has for me in the past...
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This is so true, and I've heard this so many times. "How she makes the man FEEL", etc.

But what does that MEAN exactly?? Because, I see some women will gush all over a man, cater to his ego, compliment him, cook & clean for him etc, and he STILL won't end up getting serious with her or making her his wife. But yet, I'll see him go chase after the girl who doesn't give him too much time of day. :nuts:

So, how the woman makes the man "feel" must mean something different from what I'm thinking. :confused: I just don't get it!
 
Crystalicequeen123 said:
This is so true, and I've heard this so many times. "How she makes the man FEEL", etc.

But what does that MEAN exactly??

So, how the woman makes the man "feel" must mean something different from what I'm thinking. :confused: I just don't get it!
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You know, I think there's no real answer. The man just knows. And vice-versa.

I don't think I've acted any differently with other guys I've dated and my current boyfriend. However, with those other guys, it just didn't click for whatever reason. With this guy, it clicks perfectly.

I even sometimes question what made ME so special that this guy -- who I think is pretty awesome -- fell head-over-heels for. He's dated other women who I'm sure were great catches as well, but he was like, :ohwell: about them.

Then again, I've met really great guys who I know will make good partners for someone else, but they weren't for me.

I just say that the best thing to do is follow the guy's lead in such cases... if you (general you) are the one always doing all of these different things for a man and he just seems to take take take, then y'all aren't supposed to be together.

But if he's bending over backwards to cater to YOU, then obviously the way you are making him feel is making him want to be on you like white on rice... so stick with THAT dude! :lol:
 
Sooner or later you are going to get tired of this mental gymnastics you are playing with yourself. I get the feeling this may be your first serious relationship but did you do this with other females you know of like friends, classmates, teachers, family members, etc.

You will have to decide he is here with me I will make the best of this relationship and being with him.

Anything else is selling yourself, him and the relationship short. In other words you are setting this situation up for fail the longer you continue to compare yourself because you are seeing yourself as the inferior and that ALWAYS show up either intentionally or unintentionally.

You need to decide today that you will never do this again and everytime you begin to do this you remember this type of thinking is a recipe for disaster and I will have no part in ruining what is wonderful in my life because I am a strong black beautiful woman and I deserve the best.

You don't want to end up like some of these other women who have been discussed in the last few days in 6 day relationship giving up the goods and giving away cell phones to total strangers due to insecurity issues. That is so not the business.
 
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you will get over being jealous of her when you feel you are good enough as is for your yourself and for your man and cooking meals 24/7 or getting boatloads of degrees won't do that for you
 
I think that you should focus on you and your relationship. What makes you a great person, why it is that he is with you and not her. Not to mention that you must be bringing more to the table than you are saying that you are or that you realize. If she was that great he'd still be with her.
 
I think your first mistake is focusing so much on his ex GF. She did not deserve to be his wife simply because she convinced him to let her move into his place and they stayed together for 18 months (or even 18 years). He did not ask her to move in because he loved her, she did the asking and it was to save money. That is a huge difference and had he EVER married her given her admitted flaws, they probably would be miserable or divorced. She just was not the one for him no matter how much she tried to force it.

Focus on being the best you that you can be and do not worry about his ex GF since she is long gone.



glam- said:
I know its self-destructive and irrational, but I find myself comparing myself to her. She had a cooler car, a PhD whereas I have an MA. She was a good ol country girl, cussed like a sailor + therefore fit right in with his family, whereas I don't cuss and am a bit more shy. She could fry chicken + bake a ham, whereas I've done neither- though I can cook. They were together for 18 mos, lived together for a year and she got on great with his daughter. IMO, she sounds like the perfect girlfriend- but they didn't wed.

Now he's with me, he says I'm the most beautiful wman he's ever dated, his daughter likes me, we basically never fight and he's mentioned how he wants to marry me several times (unprompted by me). I know he loves me and that he's not even in touch with her. He's also forthright abt her flaws.

So, why do I feel insecure abt how she was such a better girlfriend? This is my first serious, serious relationship- maybe that's why... At any rate, how can I get over this? I know it's a toxic feeling. I'm really in love and don't want to ruin this.

Advice welcomed, but maybe I just needed to vent, too. I don't know. :perplexed:

*this is so unusual for me; I've never been jealous of a woman before because I know I'm pretty phenomenal + guys always tell me I'm the total package (and, so does he)
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glam- said:
You may very well be right, Bunny. Her moving in with him was her idea (after only 6 months of dating, she said it would be so much cheaper for both of them) and he went along with it. They broke up when she started giving ultimatums about him giving her a ring because she was "ready to be married" and when he didn't bite, she said lets break up. He knew me before her, but I wasn't interested- I felt like he was trying to move me too fast. We've been "officially dating" for 11 months now- and you're right, though I care about him I am very careful not to play wifey.

It's strange, though I am jealous of her- I also feel bad for her because she kinda deserved to be wifey after all that. I think he would've married her, too, she just sold it to him the wrong way.
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I will not co-sign with the "she wasn't all of that anyway" sentiment since I wasn't in a relationship with her. Three sides to every story, y'know?
For whatever reason, their thing didn't work out. It happens. *shrugs*
He has chosen you, enjoy it and work on feeling good about you, independent of this relationship. Confidence is sexy.
 
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MzLady78
MzLady78
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