Help please! I need advice (sorry it's long)

[Sashaa08]

This sounds like a train wreck waiting to happen. I'd run if I were you. Seriously.

Deltagyrl put it short and sweet-RUN!!!! Do not be stubborn and take on a do it yourself project. You CANNOT and WILL NOT change him! Trying to prove a point will result in low self esteem and heartache. I (and I am sure many other women on this board) have tried to fix a man because he had a rough childhood or other issues-you can be his friend, but at this point he is emotionally unavailable to you and cannot give you what you need, want, or deserve. RUN!!!!! No seriously. RUN!!!! And if he wants you bad enough, he will handle his business and chase you down!

 

[Bunny77]

I also wore plain old panties, nothing special. I have since changed in the 3 years we've been together, but it's NEVER been because he told me that he wouldn't be attracted to me if I didn't change those things.

Thanks for expanding on what I meant.

It's fine (and advised) for women to spice things up with their men... dressing up more, wearing fancier lingerie, etc., but there's a big difference between doing that and the OP's situation, in which a man is telling her that he can't be attracted to her if she doesn't change those things... come on now, what a cop out!

The red flags are all over the place, but the issue is whether or not the OP wants to purposely ignore them or not.

 

[stormy07]

I never said that he wouldn't be attracted to me if I didn't change those things.... he is sexually attracted to my personality and my shyness but he would be more physically attracted to me if I did spice things up sometimes. but he has told me that I shouldn't do those things for him but because I want to.

 

[tocktick]

This sounds like a train wreck waiting to happen. I'd run if I were you. Seriously.

agreed.

imo, he's dealing some some leftover issues in terms of his ex and lisa. who knows what other past emotional baggage he has? i guess everybody has a bit but we try to work them out when we are in a relationship or preferably, before we venture into one. at best, we do not start relationships with someone when we knowingly realise (and even admit openly) that we love someone else. dude sounds mad confused, imo.

it seems he's with you to fulfil the need to being a relationship yet at the same time isn't really satisfied in the choice that he's made hence the back handed compliments (he doesn't love you in "that" way but he does love you and is falling for you...um, come again? sounds like someone falling in love with their totally platonic friend and not someone their dating already) and dodging affection. his suggestion that you initiate the affection was only a sly plot to take some heat off him and so that he wouldn't need to be affectionate towards you, jmho. he knew you found it difficult so that bought him some time away from getting affectionate with you.

from what you've written he makes no sense. he needs to work on his own problems before trying to make things work with you. as for your friends/family thinking he's a good match; these people sometimes only see the surface of our relationships and the front that we provide to them. they are not always privy to the deeper issues and inner workings of them. you may "look" nice or even interact well with each other in front of others, which temporarily even fools you into thinking your relationship is great, but ultimately there are key problems with you guys.

like the delta gyrl stated, i would walk way. he sounds like his has manipulative traits coupled with the deep emotional scars of failed relationships and years of solitude/depression. not a good combo.

 

[gabulldawg]

Thanks for expanding on what I meant.

It's fine (and advised) for women to spice things up with their men... dressing up more, wearing fancier lingerie, etc., but there's a big difference between doing that and the OP's situation, in which a man is telling her that he can't be attracted to her if she doesn't change those things... come on now, what a cop out!

The red flags are all over the place, but the issue is whether or not the OP wants to purposely ignore them or not.

No, problem, girl!I knew what you meant. No man should ever make you feel low because of how you are.

 

[tocktick]

he's not sexually attracted to me cuz i'm always in jeans and a t shirt and plain ole' underwear....when i did dress a little bit more feminine he was turned on.....but it's just my fault cuz i was the one who pushed to get into the relationship...he was bunking it at first but now he is grateful....(his words) i know relationships take work and it's not gonna be perfect cuz well no one is
but i just don't wanna freaking miss out on what could be the best thing i find...cuz i don't have any other prospects....i'm not that social so i don't go out that much....i don't do the club/bar scene.....not in school and nobody my age at my job.....and anyone else i happened to meet or who has an interest in me has at least 3 kids!!!!!!! my best friend even said about how i manage to attract the guys with kids....

well then in essence, you are settling. you think your lack of social opportunity is what is leading you to not meet many men. so now that you've met a man despite this, you are clinging onto him even though you know (and not even on a "deep down" level any more) that he is not right for you. this is less about him and more about you, imo. like another poster said, you are the one who seeks out these half-arsed relationships.

he's stated he's not sexually attracted to you, your relationship is filled with bs mind games and you had to push him into this relationship. what more clues do you need to bail out now? because this is not the healthy foundation for a solid relationship.

i know it may be hard but think of it this way: 1) would you tell a friend in your situation to stay in her current relationship? 2) do you value yourself so lowly that you will stick with a man despite all the reasons listed above plus others you've mentioned? the negative in your relationship vastly outweigh the positives.

btw, like Bunny77 said, men don't really care all that much about simple underwear. if they find you sexually attractive, underwear is not an issue. yes, partners do like it when their women dress sexily but this should not be the only time that they ever get turned on by them. if people had to maintain that standard all the time then i know some men would not be getting sex that regularly because women are not just around to fill the function of bombshell/sexpot to her so. they have busy lives to lead also.

 

[Browndilocks]

I never said that he wouldn't be attracted to me if I didn't change those things.... he is sexually attracted to my personality and my shyness but he would be more physically attracted to me if I did spice things up sometimes. but he has told me that I shouldn't do those things for him but because I want to.

Sexually attracted to your personality & shyness??? Your boy can't have sex with your personality and shyness...


I'm sorry but that doesn't make sense to me. I hate to sound harsh but you're in denial. You have filled this thread with a bunch of replies that are nothing but excuses to justify your inadequate treatment by this joker. He's just not that into you and too much of an evasive punk to give it to you straight. Wake up.

 

[Extremus]

Deltagyrl put it short and sweet-RUN!!!! Do not be stubborn and take on a do it yourself project. You CANNOT and WILL NOT change him! Trying to prove a point will result in low self esteem and heartache. I (and I am sure many other women on this board) have tried to fix a man because he had a rough childhood or other issues-you can be his friend, but at this point he is emotionally unavailable to you and cannot give you what you need, want, or deserve. RUN!!!!! No seriously. RUN!!!! And if he wants you bad enough, he will handle his business and chase you down!

Sexually attracted to your personality & shyness??? Your boy can't have sex with your personality and shyness...


I'm sorry but that doesn't make sense to me. I hate to sound harsh but you're in denial. You have filled this thread with a bunch of replies that are nothing but excuses to justify your inadequate treatment by this joker. He's just not that into youand too much of an evasive punk to give it to you straight. Wake up.

Real talk!

 

[stormy07]

good news to report, he agreed to go to counseling together. and yeah call me stupid if you want but I'm too stubborn to give up yet. I love him. If only I had time to fully explain the whole situation cuz I think there's a bit of misunderstanding going on. but there's more to than what I've told here and I didn't explain it in the best way possible.

 

[gabulldawg]

good news to report, he agreed to go to counseling together. and yeah call me stupid if you want but I'm too stubborn to give up yet. I love him. If only I had time to fully explain the whole situation cuz I think there's a bit of misunderstanding going on. but there's more to than what I've told here and I didn't explain it in the best way possible.

Well that IS good news. Maybe you can now get to the bottom of his feelings toward you...