I really need to vent, need advice - so confused (LONG!)

[MissJ]

Before I even got to the end, I knew there was another woman. He contacted you for cheap and easy sex, sorry to say. (Not saying you are cheap and easy, but he would have had to wine, dine, and convince someone to give him all the benefits you gave him. It took him a while to find someone for that, and when he did...) He dropped you as soon as he found someone he wanted to be with. He was emotionally unavailable to you from the beginning, and you stayed available to him up until the end. I hope you don't waste any more of your time being available to him!

I feel so bad for you, a fellow MJ fan. Please read this thread: http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=464486&highlight=

I know many of us have been there before, so please use this as a learning experience not to get played again. This guy was not as good as you thought he was, and I hope you no longer think the world of him.

 

[MissJ]

I'm so sorry this happened, OP. I know it's gotta hurt like hell.

• He's a jerk because he knows how you feel for him and he took that for granted. He knew he was using you as an "in the meantime" girl, yet he continued to accept the gifts (your companionship, adoration and body).
  
• He used moving as an excuse because he wants to be with someone else and did not want to hurt your feelings or seem callous by saying, "I've found someone else."
  
• He also made it exceedingly easy for himself to do this by never committing to you this time around. You guys were always "just friends" this time around even though there were "benefits" that went along with it. That made it easy for him to rationalize his actions...he didn't owe you.
  
• No man turns down an intense sex life because it's too intense. He did that because she's demanding that they become exclusive or she's out. You need to be sure to do the same from here on out with every man you consider becoming intimate with. I don't care how long you've known him.

Love the bullet points. Very informative thread.

 

[MissJ]

Update

He text me this afternoon saying sorry for ignoring me yesterday and it was an awkward moment, do I have any free time to meet him this week, he wants to come over to mine. ohwell:

Gut feeling tells me I should text him to tell it's not a good idea right now... but maybe now's my opportunity to put an end to this once and for all and put him in his place?

Ignore him. Do not meet him. Pretend like he's dead to you. This guy is 40, an old school player, and he knows what he is doing by jerking you around. Don't let him do it.

 

[aribell]

You know what, even though it's hard, I kind of feel like it's not even worth feeling bad when someone has to purposely confuse and deceive in order to get what they want from you. It shows that they know that you wouldn't have anything to do with them if you knew their real agenda or their real heart. They know you're better than how they're treating you because they had to keep you in the dark to keep you in the situation. So what does that say about their character? They can't be genuine because they already know what's there would be rejected. If someone lies about themself it proves they know how wrong they are. So if you catch someone in a deception, what more is there to talk about? Unless they're about to fess up to who they are and have been and want to make amends for that, they're just attempting to perpetuate the deception and confusion. After the lights have been flipped on, there's no reason to turn them back off and pretend you don't know what's in the room, you know?

 

[dark_lovely]

I asked a guy friend for a male's perspective about your situation and this is what he had to say "You are going through the female version of what i am going through exactly...all i will say is wow, it took me seeing another person going through this to realize when im being basically used...i think u should have had sex with him in order to ease yourself, because yes i understand how much you care for him...but you should have let him go before he let you go....this may sound crazy but im kind of waiting for the same opportunity....for when the woman i care about comes back...i realize that she does not care for me like i do her but i will not allow myself to get heart broken again....what u did wrong was let your sexual relationship continue so long....if you had let him go first it would have showed him that you are not someone he could walk all over...yes i know you cared for him so much but trust me, you would feel much better about yourself knowing that you let him go instead of vice versa...now....dont contact him..most men, and i hate to admit this... but we are dogs...there is nothing there for you PERIOD...i know this will hurt to see but...well thats really it, its gonna hurt to see...time for us both to face reality...plus with time...you will find a better guy..i wanna thank you for making this post because u helped me help myself....and at the same time, help you"

 

[Superfly Sister]

My goodness, I woke up this morning to so many replies, I appreciate you all taking the time to respond ladies, I really do. From all perspectives, I value your points of view and it's helping me SO much, thank you.

The problem with me is I'm an over thinker, and for so long I've been considering what's been going on and I pretty much have been concluding the same thing for some time, he used me and I allowed him to. When we had that talk back in March I think I definitely should have called it a day. And you ladies were right, I knew what I was getting myself in to, and I really shouldn't be so upset over the situation... seeing him with the other woman, well... that tells me everything doesn't it?

Since Sunday I've just had so many thoughts running through my mind and all day yesterday I was on the brink of tears and choked with emotion. When I got home from work yesterday I let it all out and I sobbed for so long, I was so worn out by the end of it I actually had a good night's sleep!

This thread has been such a release for me, from the first long post I put everything out there, I held nothing back I really did want honest opinions and advice and I got it! THANK YOU. No words are too harsh and I didn't want sympathy and things to be sugarcoated - I appreciate the time. I woke up (VERY) early this morning and read through the whole thread again and the same thing keeps popping up, deep down I knew the answer and I think I was looking for confirmation. Like I said I'm an over thinker so I decided to write everything down on paper.... like I was having a conversation with him. I kept writing page after page after page, I found it incredibly theraputic. I'm not going to do anything with what I wrote down, it was for me. It wasn't a draft of a letter to him nor was it an outline for what I want to say to him if I saw him, which I don't want to do at the moment!

But still, I feel so foolish! I was a real mug. I really cared about him and I really should have saved my time and affection for someone far more deserving and would return it unconditionally. The bottom line is, I knew where he was at and I let him in to my life. I gave him the opportunity to use me again and I didn't put an end to it and there's was plenty of chances to. I think that's where my upset lies, not because he didn't to get serious with me and commit to me, I stupidly carried on where there was nothing worth carry on for and I didn't respect myself as well as I should have.

Sorry OP that this happened. I agree with the other posts and wanted to add my $.02. I agree that you were just the "filler" between his past rlp and his current rlp, unfortunately. He had history with you and he knew how you felt about him or at least hoped you'd still feel the same way and when you responded positively to his advances, he was set. It allowed him to be in the company of someone he knew and liked and didn't have to waste time on getting to know someone else and STILL not have a commitment. At some point while with you, he met someone whom he was interested in. He was still able to carry on his "situation" with you while getting to know this other woman better.

There is no need to put him in his place. You know what the deal is. He's with someone else and he isn't committing to a relationship with you. What else is there to say. Plus, texting after he got caught is very passive and he's probably just testing the waters to see if you're still speaking to him. If he really wanted to talk to you then he wuold have called or came by. My advice is to erase his text without responding. There's no need to engage any further unless you want to get sucked into this situation even more. You can get closure all by yourself.

I haven't responded to him. I have no intention of doing so.

Don't do it! Just delete his number and KIM! Everytime you talk to him, you inflate his little ego.

But if you do give in and talk to him, please keep posting the updates. This is actually fun.

I'm glad you find this fun! I'll definitely keep everyone updated.

Forget this dude.

You sound like your a loving and caring person...as wonderful as you may have thought he was, he obviously isn't. He was looking for a fling (hate to say that to you) and once he figured out what he wanted to do then you were no longer of any use to him.

Be glad you saw him with the other woman...now you can erase any thoughts of being with him in the future. I know that will take a while but at least you saw that with your own eyes and you now know he was lying and misleading you.

You didn't do anything wrong, there was NOTHING you could have said to change this situation. He was in the midst of something with his other relationship and decided on a whim that he wanted something else...well, with men it's never that simple. He wanted his cake, ice cream, extra frosting, and what ever the hell else he could get.

Thank you.

No sweetie...stop beating yourself up. You did NOTHING wrong. HE was the one in the wrong for leading you on. You just learned a lot of valuable lessons about men/relationships/life in general. Next time just know that if a man is asking you out or he's trying to sleep with you and he's still ENGAGED, then he's a jerk and a player. And if you allow this to continue, he won't respect you. Men don't respect women who don't put up clear boundaries. He did all of these things because you allowed him too.

Honestly, I really think you were in love with the "facade" or the potential of what he COULD be, and not really him...if that makes any sense???

I hope this doesn't sound too harsh, but I agree with ThickHair too. Honestly, men will only do what you ALLOW them to do. A man can sense what he can get away with by starting out slowly and gradually pushing the envelope.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bottom Line: The man who is the RIGHT man for you won't be making excuses as to why he can't be with you or why he can't see you. If anything, he'll be making excuses in order to see you, spend more time with you, be around you, etc.

I appreciate your honest words, thank you. The part of what I bolded could be part of the problem. When we split up I should have let it go, and whilst I did get round to thinking of him fondly, I should have left it at that instead if trying to make my idea of him a reality.

You're kidding me?? He's STILL trying to play two women?? Ugh...


Honey, I wouldn't even respond to that silly text. He wants to come over to your house? Ha....again...probably just wants to catch you in a vulnerable spot so that he can try and sweet talk you and do goodness knows what else.

I would delete his number, and KIM.

If you do have to respond with something I would simply say:

"I'm not sure what the point of us meeting or talking would be. You made your choice, and I've made mine. I'm too busy having fun meeting men who are truly into me and want to have a real relationship with me to be concerned with you. Take care!"

funny! But I don't think I'm going to dignify him with a response.

 

[TopShelf]

Men only understand SILENCE/NO COMMUNICATION...last word, first word...all mean that there are feelings there that he can possibly manipulate.

I hate that this happened to you but it will get better!!

 

[TeddyBear]

Value yourself more.. if a man treated your close friend or sister this way you wouldn't want him around them at all. Value yourself, be good to yourself and set limits with men and stick with it.

Don't give men of the past second chances, they're in the past for a reason.
VALUE yourself.. and let this toxic man go out of your life for good and start to appreciate yourself that you deserve to be treated with respect, kindness and love.


I hope you feel better in time!

 

[Naveah2050]

I am soo sorry this happened to you but he is a loser and you are lucky that God allowed you to see this before you committed yourself or made more of an effort to win him back once he moved home. Sadly I think some men, love being adored and cant help but always want to be thought of as a good guy and maybe on some level he knew you are too good for him and didnt have the balls to tell you the truth.

All I can say is that it happens to everyone at one point or another, its tempting to take an ex back just to get the upper hand and show them that you are now in control but you shouldnt blame yourself for not showing him you cared when he said he was moving(this was exactly what he wanted you to do) and although you dont feel it now you have been really strong to send the email saying you dont want to see him and to ignore his message.

Try not to give up on love, someone worthy of your love and respect will come along - any man that can look you in the eye and ignore you as he holds another woman's hand is unworth of even a second of your time.

 

[MissJ]

Don't put the blame all on yourself, and don't feel foolish either. The guy is older, more experienced, and he targeted you to pull these shenanigans with. He knew exactly what he was doing. I would like to think some men would not carry on this way with a woman even if he knew a woman would allow it. What ever happened to basic human decency?

 

[Superfly Sister]

Value yourself more.. if a man treated your close friend or sister this way you wouldn't want him around them at all. Value yourself, be good to yourself and set limits with men and stick with it.

Don't give men of the past second chances, they're in the past for a reason.
VALUE yourself.. and let this toxic man go out of your life for good and start to appreciate yourself that you deserve to be treated with respect, kindness and love.

I hope you feel better in time!

spot on, and thank you for put it like that! there's no way I'd want to see either of my sisters in a situation like this. Last year my best friend was being strung along by a guy who was seeing another girl, she was waiting for him to be with her, we had long convos about this and I told her to wise up and move on and find someone as special as she is, I told her straight and outright as well. Why on earth am I not taking my own type of advice!?!?!?

I'm sure I will, I got over him before I'll do it again, this thread is helping so much!

I am soo sorry this happened to you but he is a loser and you are lucky that God allowed you to see this before you committed yourself or made more of an effort to win him back once he moved home. Sadly I think some men, love being adored and cant help but always want to be thought of as a good guy and maybe on some level he knew you are too good for him and didnt have the balls to tell you the truth.

All I can say is that it happens to everyone at one point or another, its tempting to take an ex back just to get the upper hand and show them that you are now in control but you shouldnt blame yourself for not showing him you cared when he said he was moving(this was exactly what he wanted you to do) and although you dont feel it now you have been really strong to send the email saying you dont want to see him and to ignore his message.

Try not to give up on love, someone worthy of your love and respect will come along - any man that can look you in the eye and ignore you as he holds another woman's hand is unworth of even a second of your time.

Thank you so much

Don't put the blame all on yourself, and don't feel foolish either. The guy is older, more experienced, and he targeted you to pull these shenanigans with. He knew exactly what he was doing. I would like to think some men would not carry on this way with a woman even if he knew a woman would allow it. What ever happened to basic human decency?

I appreciate all your post, MissJ especially the post including the link to your thread, there are some real home truths through out, just what I needed!

 

[Superfly Sister]

He's been calling me now, I keep rejecting his calls. He leaves voicemail messages saying we need to talk things out. He's had plenty of time to talk, several months of my time to talk and get to know me.... yada yada!

I met up with a girlfriend yesterday, she's someone I've known longer than this guy in question and has seen me go through the motions when we first split up. She was so sweet, made me dinner (I even got dessert! ) let me talk and get everything off my chest, she listen and questioned me accordingly. Much of her responses mirrors everything that has been posted in this thread.

She's very much into astrology in a big way and she talked to me about my traits and characteristics, my positives and negetives and why I'm handling this situation the way I am. Generally, I don't know how I feel about astrology but from what I've read about myself, I'm a typical sag through and through, it's frightening how acurate it can be! Anyway, we talked about his personality, his behaviour is positives and negetives as a way to understand him and perhaps make sense of what he does and why he does it and the impact it has on me (he's the picture perfect Aries from what I've learned! yikes!!!) This isn't a way to EXCUSE him, no, not at all! but I can see where my friend is coming from and what's she's trying to explain to me.... everyone is different, we all have our own different personalities, upbringings and it's unfair to treat everyone the same. I really DON'T want to be one of those women who thinks all men are lying cheating, using, b@stards!!! I don't want to get in to that mind set of thinking negetively and being suspecious of ALL men I love men, they intregue and amuse me! men are complex, testing creatures but then again so are women and we know it!

Astrology aside, generally, I'm a very happy, content person. I'm not needy or clingy I love my freedom! I know what I want from life and I'm working my hardest to get there, I love to learn, I'm open minded and accepting. I live my life with honesty and integrity - I'm not perfect, I've said and done things that are wrong but I learn from that. I'm also very, very stuborn and I treat people how I wish to be treated, when I don't receive the courtesy and respect I've been given I do tend to take it personally, flip out and dish-out some very honest and harsh words. Because I'm so honest and I try to be genuine when I feel some isn't doing the same for me I hurt, I hurt really, really bad. I expect people to tell me what they REALLY mean not beat a round the bush and p!ss about trying to soften the blow - this doesn't do me any favours! I don't like to feel down, I don't like feeling depressed It really does feel like the worst feeling in the world and that's not me but being stong means my spirit won't be broken. I'm optimistic and see good in people and I guess that's why I bounce back and keep moving. This was how I was raised, strong, independent and to do the right thing by me.

I've been through more testing and potentially life changing situations than this and they're not even 'relationship' related. I'll be OK, I've gotten through nonsense before I can do it again. A situation like this isn't the making of me it's just a challenge I've got to get though

 

[ultrasuede]

He is totally insensitive and manipulative. What explanation can he give for totally ignoring you, a caring long term friend because he was with another woman. There is no excuse or plausible explanation for his behavior. I hope you continue to reject his calls. Maybe he gets a charge out of pushing you away and then reeling you back in for his own amusement.