Help please! I need advice (sorry it's long)

[stormy07]

Ok I still don’t know a lot of people around here but I need some advice…and hopefully ya’ll won’t think I’m completely pathetic.

Ok there’s this guy…we’ll call him ‘ethan’ I first met him feb of 06…at this point I wasn’t dating anyone. We started talking as friends as I got back with my off and on again ex we’ll call jackass…cuz well he was… long story short there jackass and I were together for a couple months but he got ‘sick’ but started using the situation as an excuse to not see me. We finally broke things off completely sept of 06. Now throughout this time ethan and I were becoming really good friends, he was always a shoulder for me to cry on. For awhile we stopped hanging out as often because we both realized that we were starting to care for each other deeper and we respected the fact that I was still ‘in the relantionship’ even though I was emotionally not in it anymore. Ethan and I had discussed the possibility of a relantionship once I healed from the jackass.

Ok fast forward to June 07, we started getting very close, constantly spending time together. Still discussing the possibility of a relantionship but I was being respectful and not rushing things (which I sometimes have a tendency of doing) because he said getting into a relantionship was a very scary thing for him because of what last girlfriend did to him (cheated with his friend who was close as brother, and had baby by him) this was 7 years ago… he has not had a relantionship, intimate or otherwise since then…ok fine…baby steps…cuz he was also dealing with slight depression and I was sorta guiding him out of it…… fast forward to the day b4 my bday….I get an email from this ‘friend’ of his we’ll call her Lisa..she says to please watch out for him cuz he’s really going thru something today. I’m like ok fine…I call him..finally drag it out of him that he ‘loves’ her but something didn’t work out so they have parted ways and now he’s crushed…….well I sorta lit into him and told him that it wasn’t fair to me to be pulling me along if he had feelings for lisa and that he needed to make a choice….well he did that nite…..they agreed to remain just friends and that he would give us a chance…..

Well in October we became official bf/gf …. Off and on we have this discussion about affection…..ok I love affection…….i love being hugged…I love being kissed……but it’s like pulling teeth to get any kisses……he said that I should try to initate sometimes…now I’m relatively awkward about giving affection but I said ok….so periodically I would try to initate a kiss which sometimes would be great but more often or not he would pull away saying the timing wasn’t right or something……so I stopped trying…..cuz hey if you keep pulling away there’s a reason why…and yeah it makes me a bit insecure….well it finally comes out that he doesn’t really know why he can’t really show me affection but he’s not physically sexually attracted to me….now grant you I’m not the skinniest chick in the world….far from it…but I’m athletic and I’m toning up…hell I take a martial arts class 4 days a week and bike ride 35-40 miles a week….(all of this we do together) but it’s like ok…..i know it’s too soon for sex but damn I’m not attractive enough to kiss…..that’s either shallow or cruel or something…..like he keeps saying about how scared he is to be in a relantionship to take things to the next step and it’s like ok it’s time to get over it! I’m scared as hell to but I’ve taken baby steps…….i used to be a total total tomboy but I’m trying to be a little bit more girly girl but it’s like no matter what I do there’s something else…… I guess I just wanna know if I’m wasting my time or what. This guy isn’t really like a typical guy…he’s sweet thoughtful and a total gentleman but he’s totally freaking passive aggressive but too nice……his usual answer for a problem is withdrawing or running away from it……I guess I should be glad he hasn’t run away yet……I think I’m not good enough for him but he thinks he’s not good enough for me but he doesn’t want anyone to really care for him so much…..i had said that I would give my life for him….i love him…..he said he would give his life for me….and we had a very strange encounter where I almost died but that’s another story but that nite I told him I loved him and he said that he just couldn’t say it….he said I know how he feels…but the next day he said he loves me but not that ‘way’ but he’s falling in love with me… I’m just frustrated….everyone thinks that he’s the one for me and I should hang onto him… my mom and my dad like him and think that we are meant to be together…and I do sorta agree cuz he is amazing…we make a great team together and we’re totally in tune with each other it’s just……gah….am I a total ******? Should I give up on him or should I hang in there?

 

[klb120475]

Girl...I don't know what to tell ya. All I know is I don't like pursuing...if he wants me he'll pursue me.

 

[deltagyrl]

This sounds like a train wreck waiting to happen. I'd run if I were you. Seriously.

 

[gabulldawg]

I agree that something isn't right about this. He's not over his ex, he's got psychotic issues, he's gay (?), something. What else do you know about his past? I also think it's a MAJOR red flag if the guy is telling you that he isn't sexually attracted to you. What more do you need to hear?? Do you want to risk him cheating on you because of that? I'm sure you can find a man that really wants you and that you don't have to beg for affection. Sometimes people are meant to be just good friends.

 

[stormy07]

well his family is dysfunctional as hell.....his dad beat his mom and his sisters and he has a scar from stepping in and protecting them when he was like 9. I've gotten him turned on...but I dunno my track record with guys sucks.. he's like a big ass kid tho...and I've called him out about it....he needs to step up and be accountable for things and he is working on it...veryyyyyy slowly but he back tracks

 

[gabulldawg]

well his family is dysfunctional as hell.....his dad beat his mom and his sisters and he has a scar from stepping in and protecting them when he was like 9. I've gotten him turned on...but I dunno my track record with guys sucks.. he's like a big ass kid tho...and I've called him out about it....he needs to step up and be accountable for things and he is working on it...veryyyyyy slowly but he back tracks

I'd hate to discredit someone because of their past alone, but it seems that this guy has issues from his past that are affecting his present life. Is that something you are willing to put up with, especially long term? And do you not think that you deserve better than him? I have a feeling that you do... But hey, I don't know the guy like you do. I can only go off of what you have said in the thread.

 

[stormy07]

he has issues I have issues....I know I have major issues...I'm insecure cuz of my weight....and my parents are divorced....but living together again and yeah it's just a mess and I'm terrified of ending up like them but maybe I don't deserve better...1st bf was white...played total mind games...2nd..black...tried to rape me....3rd...black...just up and disappearred when the college semester was over 4th....black...too old and ok yeah we had great chemistry...he was my first (at 22) but was never around and always had excuses....we were off and on for 2 years and it took me the better part of a year to realized that I deserved better than that...and now ethan... i should just be a freaking nun

 

[gabulldawg]

he has issues I have issues....I know I have major issues...I'm insecure cuz of my weight....and my parents are divorced....but living together again and yeah it's just a mess and I'm terrified of ending up like them but maybe I don't deserve better...1st bf was white...played total mind games...2nd..black...tried to rape me....3rd...black...just up and disappearred when the college semester was over 4th....black...too old and ok yeah we had great chemistry...he was my first (at 22) but was never around and always had excuses....we were off and on for 2 years and it took me the better part of a year to realized that I deserved better than that...and now ethan... i should just be a freaking nun

I know how you feel. It sometimes takes a while for the right one to come along. I'm not saying "ethan" isn't the right one, but you should just really sit down and think about what you really want in a relationship and compare it to what you are currently getting.

 

[stormy07]

yeah...the thing is maybe I don't know what I really want and maybe that's part of the problem

 

[strenght81]

I should be the last person to give advise on relationships cuz I got my own issuess. But it seems to me as if you already know this guy is not for you. To be honest it's best to leave him before you're head over heels. I do believe that men who are raised in abusive homes may become abuser themselves or have some other serious issues, so the paronoid side of me would run.

 

[stormy07]

that's the thing I am head over heels for him.......compared to the other guys he's a gem yes with issues.....but maybe it's my issues that are making things worse......maybe i am trying to move too fast....I dunno I'm just confused... nono:

 

[chichibean]

I understand your confusion. And the two of you may be shoulders for each other to lean on. There is no doubt that you share a friendship, but the fact that he is not sexually attracted to you is one reason that the relationship probably won't endure. You also have to consider that if you have issues and he has issues, you both need to work on yourselves. Being together may make you mutually dependent on eachother (as crutches) and that can overpower what should be a healthy relationship. You may be better off working on yourself and finding someone who is stable and solid to get involved with on a long-term basis.

 

[stormy07]

yeah and I know what you're saying makes sense but more or less it's been said that if I were more comfrtable with myself and dressed slightly sexier that he would be......cuz he has said he is sexually attracted to my personalilty just not the physical aspect right now..but he's willing to help me work on it

 

[Laginappe]

my track record with guys sucks..

Then I think you need to step back and look at yourself to figure out why you keep picking men who treat you this way. There's a pattern here and its not all about them.

From your posts all I see is you trying to overcome his rejection. That if you keep pushing and trying and changing and tweaking yourself he'll finally want you the way you want him. That's not healthy. You'll put in all of this effort to become what you think he wants, it still won't be enough and you'll end up hurt again.

The right guy for you is going to look at you and all you offer and love everything about it. You won't have to change. Its not supposed to be this stressful.

You have issues you need to work on before you'll ever be able to step into a healthy loving relationship. You've got to get some love for yourself first before you can expect anyone else to.

 

[stormy07]

I do agree with what you've said but I think I sorta see it as a growth experience...Ii've always been the loner tomboyish type I was never 'that girl' prolly never will be i'm not a very good dresser and i don't do much with my hair...so tweaking myself is more or less an experiment....i really have nothing to lose. and i had thought since i was alwys the dorky awkward goofy type that being with someone else like me would be good cuz we could work on our issues and support each other....and we are...but it's like we go 'round and 'round....... and I'm so frustrated....lol but everything in my life is frustrating me right now...... and I do love myself...I just frustrate myself cuz I don't know exactly who I am and I don't know how to find 'me' lol yeah I just shouldn't be in a relationship period

 

[Bunny77]

I do agree with what you've said but I think I sorta see it as a growth experience...Ii've always been the loner tomboyish type I was never 'that girl' prolly never will be i'm not a very good dresser and i don't do much with my hair...so tweaking myself is more or less an experiment....i really have nothing to lose. and i had thought since i was alwys the dorky awkward goofy type that being with someone else like me would be good cuz we could work on our issues and support each other....and we are...but it's like we go 'round and 'round....... and I'm so frustrated....lol but everything in my life is frustrating me right now...... and I do love myself...I just frustrate myself cuz I don't know exactly who I am and I don't know how to find 'me' lol yeah I just shouldn't be in a relationship period

Actually, yeah you have a lot to lose. More of your self-esteem.

I know some women who look straight up BUSTED and they have a man/men who are sexually attracted to them. Yes, you might need to work on your confidence or your look, but NOT to make "Ethan" want you. What "Ethan" is saying is an excuse... the fact is, he's simply not attracted to you in that way and he's trying to be "nice" about it (or not).

By him saying that if you did XYZ, he'd be attracted... that's really insulting. I'd be quite offended.

Plus, you should never be with a man (and a man should never be with you) to work on your issues and support each other... this whole paragraph you wrote really scares me because it shows that your head is completely in the wrong place regarding relationships and what you should put in (and get out) of a healthy relationship.

 

[envybeauty]

wow. so you really want to be with a man who doesn't love you for who you are right now. wow.

well, then don't plan on having his kid. what if you gain weight. what if you couldn't lose the baby fat fast enough. what if you had more than one kid. back to back. ouch.

also don't plan on having surgery or ever getting sick. some people gain weight from different medications and laying in bed all day is no way to burn calories.

basically don't plan on having rough times in life because if the bag of cookies is within reach or that pint of icecream is calling your name, then you'd be screwed. worse yet, he'd probably cheat on you with someone smaller than you.

not the life i would want to live, but to each her own. i would want someone to love me as i am so that i will want to be a better person for myself not for him. i want to enjoy life with someone and not harp on them not enjoying it with me.


ETA: OP, I have been where you are. i once dated a guy i thought was perfect (in all ways but one ). he was really a workout aholic though. so he wanted a really slim chick deep down. i'm a thick sista. i had to leave old boy alone (for that reason and the other one ). i then met another guy who i thought was better than the first. and get this...the second one was even more of a workoutaholic, but he didn't force his ways on me. he simply showed me how he takes care of himself and what he looks for in his diet. it was inspiring to me and the inspiration ALONE got me to change some of my eating habits. i watched my sodium and sugar levels without his doing. i learned so much from him that i wanted to learn even more just by being around him. both guys had the same issue but their approach to me was different.

 

[donna894]

I should be the last person to give advise on relationships cuz I got my own issuess. But it seems to me as if you already know this guy is not for you. To be honest it's best to leave him before you're head over heels. I do believe that men who are raised in abusive homes may become abuser themselves or have some other serious issues, so the paronoid side of me would run.

OT: Please don't think that way. None of our lives are perfect, but that doesn't stop us from looking out for and trying to support one another.. I'm glad you contributed to this thread. Your comments were on point.

 

[poetist]

yeah...the thing is maybe I don't know what I really want and maybe that's part of the problem

I think this may be part of the problem. From reading your post, you didnt seem to be convinced that he was the "one" or in love with him until this other chick popped up and he admitted that he had feelings for her. Then you seemed to want him to committ to trying to have a relationship with you.

As others have said, you guys seem to be that friend that the other can talk to about other relationships. Maybe you're mistaking the comfort that you get from being able to talk openly and honestly to him, with love.

I truly believe that part of dating and having friends is to determine who you are and what you want. You seem to be really sweet and fun and you should know that there is someone out there who will love and appreciate you just as you are.

 

[tenjoy]

Not to ruffle any feathers but............is he gay, in the closet or on the down low? Him not being intimite for 7 years????????

Also your falling for the HERO. Your problably forcing him into a relationship, when all he really likes is you and your time as a friend. Have you ever had male friends that were really like girlfriends. That is what he sounds like he wants to be. Not your boyfriend.

I say this with love.....not in a mean way at all.

 

[starfish]

OP: sounds like you have fallen in love with who you wish he was...rather than what is in front of you right now...a man that isn't physically sexually attracted to you, and has emotionally used you while pursuing a relationship with a woman ('lisa') who he is attracted to. I don't believe the 7 years with no intimacy crap for a minute.

Sounds like you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. Abuse comes in many many forms, and often times men from abusive homes love to say how they aren't like their father because they don't physically hit women or aren't verbally abusive and mean to women, but they are emotionally abusive in so many ways. It is abusive to tell you that something about you isn't right (your weight) , that YOU need fix something. You then start the "maybe if I do this, or maybe if I change that, he will love me' game. You make excuses for his behavior of not accepting who you are or wanting to be 'with' you, because he's such a nice man and everyone loves him. Subconcsiously he likes you walking on eggshells and feeling insecure. I've been there. It's unhealthy. Please stop now.

 

[hrtbndr21]

I don't think he is really ready for a relationship. It seems like he hasn't fully worked through his issues. Dealing w/ somebody like that is hard and his baggage might transfer over to you after it's all over. Be very careful... you may want to take a few steps back and reevaluate the situation. Also I wouldn't put the "the one" title on him from what you're telling us he has done nothing in your bf/gf relationship to deserve that title it only puts more pressure on you to "make it work". Hey even if it doesn't work you will meet somebody new it's not the end of the world. In my experience a man that really WANTS YOU will be just as crazy about you in sweats and a ponytail as in a dress and heels.

 

[stormy07]

I really appreciate everyone's advice, you've all been helpful and even though it's stuff that I don't really wanna hear I know deep down it's the truth. I'm going to sit down and have a long talk with him and ask him if he'd be willing to go to counseling together and separately...cuz I'm too stubborn to just up and give up yet...but if he doesn't agree to that then I will start preparing to end the relantionship.

my only thing is this tho...as far as the dressing sexier thing... what woman can honestly tell me that you can get and keep a man by always dressing in athletic pants or jeans and a t shirt all the time wit a non fancy bra and some plain bikini panties?

 

[KatKronicles]

To quote the guy in american gangsta " Quitting while your ahead, is not the same as quitting."

Just be friends

 

[sharentu]

Ok I still don’t know a lot of people around here but I need some advice…and hopefully ya’ll won’t think I’m completely pathetic.

Ok there’s this guy…we’ll call him ‘ethan’ I first met him feb of 06…at this point I wasn’t dating anyone. We started talking as friends as I got back with my off and on again ex we’ll call jackass…cuz well he was… long story short there jackass and I were together for a couple months but he got ‘sick’ but started using the situation as an excuse to not see me. We finally broke things off completely sept of 06. Now throughout this time ethan and I were becoming really good friends, he was always a shoulder for me to cry on. For awhile we stopped hanging out as often because we both realized that we were starting to care for each other deeper and we respected the fact that I was still ‘in the relantionship’ even though I was emotionally not in it anymore. Ethan and I had discussed the possibility of a relantionship once I healed from the jackass.

Ok fast forward to June 07, we started getting very close, constantly spending time together. Still discussing the possibility of a relantionship but I was being respectful and not rushing things (which I sometimes have a tendency of doing) because he said getting into a relantionship was a very scary thing for him because of what last girlfriend did to him (cheated with his friend who was close as brother, and had baby by him) this was 7 years ago… he has not had a relantionship, intimate or otherwise since then…ok fine…baby steps…cuz he was also dealing with slight depression and I was sorta guiding him out of it…… fast forward to the day b4 my bday….I get an email from this ‘friend’ of his we’ll call her Lisa..she says to please watch out for him cuz he’s really going thru something today. I’m like ok fine…I call him..finally drag it out of him that he ‘loves’ her but something didn’t work out so they have parted ways and now he’s crushed…….well I sorta lit into him and told him that it wasn’t fair to me to be pulling me along if he had feelings for lisa and that he needed to make a choice….well he did that nite…..they agreed to remain just friends and that he would give us a chance…..

Well in October we became official bf/gf …. Off and on we have this discussion about affection…..ok I love affection…….i love being hugged…I love being kissed……but it’s like pulling teeth to get any kisses……he said that I should try to initate sometimes…now I’m relatively awkward about giving affection but I said ok….so periodically I would try to initate a kiss which sometimes would be great but more often or not he would pull away saying the timing wasn’t right or something……so I stopped trying…..cuz hey if you keep pulling away there’s a reason why…and yeah it makes me a bit insecure….well it finally comes out that he doesn’t really know why he can’t really show me affection but he’s not physically sexually attracted to me….now grant you I’m not the skinniest chick in the world….far from it…but I’m athletic and I’m toning up…hell I take a martial arts class 4 days a week and bike ride 35-40 miles a week….(all of this we do together) but it’s like ok…..i know it’s too soon for sex but damn I’m not attractive enough to kiss…..that’s either shallow or cruel or something…..like he keeps saying about how scared he is to be in a relantionship to take things to the next step and it’s like ok it’s time to get over it! I’m scared as hell to but I’ve taken baby steps…….i used to be a total total tomboy but I’m trying to be a little bit more girly girl but it’s like no matter what I do there’s something else…… I guess I just wanna know if I’m wasting my time or what. This guy isn’t really like a typical guy…he’s sweet thoughtful and a total gentleman but he’s totally freaking passive aggressive but too nice……his usual answer for a problem is withdrawing or running away from it……I guess I should be glad he hasn’t run away yet……I think I’m not good enough for him but he thinks he’s not good enough for me but he doesn’t want anyone to really care for him so much…..i had said that I would give my life for him….i love him…..he said he would give his life for me….and we had a very strange encounter where I almost died but that’s another story but that nite I told him I loved him and he said that he just couldn’t say it….he said I know how he feels…but the next day he said he loves me but not that ‘way’ but he’s falling in love with me… I’m just frustrated….everyone thinks that he’s the one for me and I should hang onto him… my mom and my dad like him and think that we are meant to be together…and I do sorta agree cuz he is amazing…we make a great team together and we’re totally in tune with each other it’s just……gah….am I a total ******? Should I give up on him or should I hang in there?

okay i highlighted those areas because he was all strung out on this chick that he didnt tell you anything about. then you get involved with him but he isnt into you like 'for real'. something is not right with him, and he needs to really be honest with you. instead i think he is just stringing you along because he knows you really like him. not the other way around. dont let him use you like that.

 

[stormy07]

he's not sexually attracted to me cuz i'm always in jeans and a t shirt and plain ole' underwear....when i did dress a little bit more feminine he was turned on.....but it's just my fault cuz i was the one who pushed to get into the relationship...he was bunking it at first but now he is grateful....(his words) i know relationships take work and it's not gonna be perfect cuz well no one is
but i just don't wanna freaking miss out on what could be the best thing i find...cuz i don't have any other prospects....i'm not that social so i don't go out that much....i don't do the club/bar scene.....not in school and nobody my age at my job.....and anyone else i happened to meet or who has an interest in me has at least 3 kids!!!!!!! my best friend even said about how i manage to attract the guys with kids....

 

[envybeauty]

what advice are you seeking on here because you seem to have your mind made up? one post is that he is not attracted to you because you're not a slim chick. the next is that he is not attracted to you because you dress in jeans and a t-shirt. two different issues.

 

[stormy07]

I'm just trying to explain the situation more. it's all inter-related...prolly doesn't make sense because I'm not that good at commication...but the advice I've gotten so far has been great. so thanks and sorry for the inconvience

 

[Bunny77]

what woman can honestly tell me that you can get and keep a man by always dressing in athletic pants or jeans and a t shirt all the time wit a non fancy bra and some plain bikini panties?

Uh, I did.

I was in college and dressed like all the other college girls... and got a man... and kept him. I was the one who broke up with him a year later.

He said he liked that I looked like a cute college girl.

As for plain underwear, it's all gonna end up on the floor anyway, so men don't care!!!

He AND you are making excuses, for real now...

 

[gabulldawg]

Uh, I did.

I was in college and dressed like all the other college girls... and got a man... and kept him. I was the one who broke up with him a year later.

He said he liked that I looked like a cute college girl.

As for plain underwear, it's all gonna end up on the floor anyway, so men don't care!!!

He AND you are making excuses, for real now...

Yes I agree with this post. When I first met my SO I was pretty much the worst and laziest dresser EVER. I wore jeans just about everyday and thirts and sneakers. But he still was sexually attracted to me. I also wore plain old panties, nothing special. I have since changed in the 3 years we've been together, but it's NEVER been because he told me that he wouldn't be attracted to me if I didn't change those things.